Today I revealed and was exposed by/as/in my own backchat. It happened in one moment, where I due to specific events that occurred, I, amongst other points, realized that I was not applying myself fully. I have been circling this point, because I have not been satisfied with my application. I have seen points of laziness and within that arguing for my limitations through experiences of frustration, anger and self-pity – the exact words were like this: “how am I ever gonna be able to….. when …. And …..” – And just as when I saw the excuses I made in the mind as Back Chat thoughts when I had to shave, the same things happened here and I have been “hazed” about it = deliberate self-deception as “I don’t know what I am doing, I am just a little girl, wink, wink.”
Viktor also showed me that I was becoming demon-possessed by the point. It is not the first time either with an exact point like this – I see the point as a mountain that is impossible to climb – basically one can just insert one’s own “mountain” here …………… because it does not matter in actuality what the point is practically. It is about who I am within it. Alright so first I started panicking and felt extremely pressured and guilty and I also blamed someone else for placing unreasonable and unrealistic expectations and demands. The panic was towards the point of the point being something that “anyone can and should be able to do” and yet I experienced myself as entirely incapable of doing it, then bringing myself to a “then who am I in this?” – Question.
“What is it that I am doing wrong, not seeing?” Then what I saw was that it was not because I was not able or capable of doing it – it was because I am barely doing the things that I have agreed to do as it is and I have seen myself as able and capable of doing all of it – or at least that I should be – and that any “short comings” or saying no, would be a sign of my weak character. I have actually been panicking equally about ……. For quite a while now – lol – again, insert your own issue.
And I have not stood up or stopped up and directed myself within it based on the justification that I did not have time to stop up, that my fear and panic was not valid anyway – but what I did was to push the point away, like a mother pushing a child to the side and expected that I could “catch time” if I really streeeeeeeeetchhhhhed myself. Obviously it is not really working – as Viktor has been pointing out with me not cleaning the dishes properly because I am not here with the dishes because I am already in the mind running to the next point.
So I started looking at my days in general and what I participate within (who and how is the next point) and what I saw was a point – that – thank you back chat! – I had hidden from myself as self-dishonesty – which is that maybe I don’t spend hours doing “non-process” related stuff, but I do spend minutes on bullshit like shopping because of the experience of entertainment or watching American Idol or Americas Next Top model – not because I want to expose the bullshit, but because I am a sucker for it. And the 50 times I check my email – which I have written about, sorted and not yet walked – this all adds up to hours spend on waste and abuse as I’ve participated willingly and droopingly in the “festivities” that is this world-system in it’s total deception .
So I have allowed myself to spend a little extra time in the supermarket or gone to the second hand shop or something like that, only to be entertained – I am warming up to speaking about money – although I do never buy anything expensive and often I don’t buy anything at all and feel good about that. So these are hours and minutes that I could spend on that thing that I’ve believed that I did not have time for. Besides this – this is not even counting the “mental occupation”, only the physical behavior that could be different.
So I saw that I have been under the delusion that there is supposed to be something called “me-time” even though I have proved to myself over and over again, that I am best – when I am full on, no compromise or “side-shows” – simply straight-walking. However this is a point branching out on it’s own which I will have to come back to – because what I also see is that I have to explore and design for myself the perfect way to walk this, because when I have gone “all out”, I have gone into polarity as arrogance, invincibility and super-i-priority only to crash as hard.
It is also because I have acted out of self-interest and self-deception, so when I f.eks. watched a movie, it was to hide from something within/as myself – and so now I have to realign and redefine watching movies (and everything) to Common Sense, Self-Honest Self-Support, simply living flexible, effective and stable. It is specifically stability within self-trust that I see that I am “missing” because my focus has been on attempting to change who I am through and within and as the mind, through doing the right thing, saying the right things, looking like the right thing – totally busy so that I did not have to actually change myself in fact. This however I am busy as hell changing within my application from moment to moment.
What has assisted me has been to take showers and walks and while I walked and showered to apply self-forgiveness. So this is about accumulation as well. What I can see from my daily participation is that it is not optimal. When I see Viktor, who is working beside me, I see him getting a lot more done (I am saying seeing because I can see how it is a perception in/of/as comparison/competition) – what I see is that he sets himself a goal for the day and he gets it done. He rests more than I do, he work slower and more stable – while I experience myself as “having to be” in the highest gear the whole time and it is exhausting and unsatisfying when the result of “all my hard work” is not paying off. One part of it is definitely as I mentioned, wasted moments, breaths, minutes or even hours – where I’ve allowed myself to remain non-directive and thus directed by and as the mind, without actually Breathing Here in Self-Support and Self-Honesty.
What Viktor also does is that he has created a rhythm that fits him practically, where he writes everyday a post where he supports himself. With the length of posts that I often write and the amount of points I open up, it is simply not possible to do that everyday and to apply SF in writing on all points. So I have stuck to writing these long posts once every few days along side some equally long articles and then I have been applying SF out loud instead.
That has been awesome and it has been so awesome to do with Viktor, unconditionally, open, vulnerable, strong – saying: “is there something you require to forgive here?” and the other says: “Yes there is” and then we go. We have to however be very diligent with this because if we’re not here in the One Breath, the One Moment in full Self-Honesty and Self-Direction –the mind “subtly” takes over and build layers that then has to be released as well.
So back to the possession I allowed myself to become today – I was panicking and getting more and more anxious, feeling guilty and angry – instead of stopping up – Breathing and seeing that it was not real and that I was hiding myself from myself behind the experiences. This is one of the points that I am Here to script a correction for along with practically correcting my practical application so that I get what needs to be done, done – and stopping the abusive self-delusion of “my-time” – because there is no “my-time” as that will be the time used and spent on maintaining an abusive and delusional existence – and that is not what I am here for. That is not what I am here for.
I am quite satisfied with my Self-Forgiveness Application out loud – I am enjoying it and myself within it and there are no points of separation, ego or projection within and as it – it is me. And with Viktor it is cool as well. So the only thing I want to change with that is to be more specific, detailed and diligent within it so that no points are left un-directed ever.
“Who I am” during my day is often nervous, anxious and tense – focused on the “job”, the “task” the “mountain” of “duties” in which I have placed myself and placed “more” importance on myself – liking myself better as more when I felt busy – associating busy and fast with successful and strong. However I have now clearly shown myself that it is only when I slow down and when my starting-point is Here in Self-Honesty as Self-Support, that I am actually Changing, Moving and being Effective.
I Allow myself to focus my Self-Forgiveness out loud for and as myself – and to write the Self-Forgiveness out when it is specifically required that I write the patterns out. I experience a constant stress and pressure towards all the things that must be done and I require to sort this point out – because I do not accept myself as half-effective – that is not being effective at all.
So – It is a change of Who I am – that I – Discipline myself to Will to Create. I realize that I must accumulate this Point – that will not simply be here because I want it to – because I want to be different. I have accumulated me as who I have accepted myself as and thus I must accumulate me as who and what I will accepted myself as, as what is best for all.
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