Today I have experienced myself quite physically uncomfortable, with almost a hint of getting sick, like influenza. The primary experience have been being cold with heat flashes as well, especially around the head and ears and with the cold also around the head, but specifically in the hands. There was one moment, when I was chatting with V where I stopped experiencing the cold and only experienced the head around the head. At the moment both experiences are here simultaneously with a slight headache, pain in the tissue and bones under the left eyes, pain in my shoulders and neck and actually as I am writing this, I sneezed and it is as though it is “getting worse” – lol – by me writing about it and giving attention to it. So – what has happened today that has been different? Oh – and by the way, the experience was also here yesterday. So today I woke up late – I have been eating only pasta as I have no money and have decided to eat only what I have in the house.
So I had some whole-grain, yet wheat based pasta and it is one of the points on the blood-type diet lists that are not cool for the physical. Since I had the food and I wanted to eat it, I decided to experiment, eat it and see if it was in deed not cool for the physical. So I have been eating only pasta with pesto and besides that drinking coffee I borrowed from my mother, so ground coffee instead of my regular nescoffee. I have been stabilizing myself so not having these extensive energy-based experiences and so one of the points that might be causing my experience is simply the point of “getting more into” the physical mind – This is then besides the points with the food, sleeping and coffee.
I do almost never get sick, like with influenza or anything. If I experience anything it would be occasional headaches, menses cramps or general pain in the muscles and tissue. I wrote to someone today about the point of believing that we know what others are thinking about us and focusing on that, while it is actually revealing how we’ve seen/defined/experienced and judged ourselves and in that moment I had a realization about how I have done that myself.
For quite a while, and still sometimes, I would react to seeing people reacting to me and believing I have cancer because of the bald head. I have even received comments on Youtube from people asking me if I have cancer or telling me that when they see a woman with a bald head, they think of cancer. And I have not shared this point with anyone and when I have, I have either made fun of it or casually swooped over it – but I actually experience quite a lot of fear towards getting sick and specifically getting/having cancer. Why cancer? Probably because of the “statistical logic” that the fear can utilize as “reason” considering how many people get cancer and the fact that my mom have had breast cancer twice. But the primary reason is the belief that I will/would get cancer as a punishment. For a while, I was absolutely certain that I either would get or did have cancer basically because of the mistakes/fall that I have allowed. And the of course I would deteriorate and die.
Another point that also seems connected to this is that I have reacted to seeing old people with this desperate feeling of life running out, of it being too late. Also I have lost weight which is primarily do to me stabilizing my food-intake, but also within smoking instead of eating – and smoking has definitely also – though suppressed/denied/defined – “played a role” in the fear/belief of getting cancer.
When I look at my experience with Common Sense – it is caused by eating the pasta. Because it is the first day for quite a long time, where I have eaten something else than my usual rice-dish that is very nurturing and Supportive for the physical. The pasta, although so light it is, makes me feel hard and inflexible. So that is the “bio-logical-structural” perspective – however at a different “level” entirely – this cancer-fear-point seem to be quite relevant in relation to my experience.
Even if it is not about the cancer – meaning that I have either created/accumulated/manifested actual cancer or created an experience of being sick from the fear/belief of having/getting cancer – I can utilize this opportunity to release the point.
I have written about this before – never published it – as though publishing it would “make it real” and even though I wrote a long document about the points I saw within it, I stopped when I got to the point of Applying Self-Forgiveness on it.
The word “cancer” actually has an instant effect on me as resonant fear. This is also what I experience when I see people believing that I have cancer – usually they will fear to get it themselves or look at me with pity as “empathy”.
How I see cancer: As the punishment of Humanity – the inner punishment from “Life” – which indicates both Separation from and acceptance of being Separated from “Life”.
Cancer is when the body attacks itself and I remember a Desteni video where it said that the Physical would create cancer (or was that my interpretation?) if that was what it took to get the Being to Self-Honesty. So I basically expected that this would “happen to me”, like I have expected that all bad things would happen to me.
Now – I have seen (not fully realized) something for myself – and that is that I am currently not Walking Here in this Process to Birth Life from the Physical as such – because from a certain Perspective, I do not understand what that means – Actually that is arguing for my Limitations – because I know exactly what that means – However this is not yet a Point I have fully Allowed myself to Embrace, Walk and Trust myself within and whenever I hear Destonians speak about “certainty” I react – because I do not experience certainty.
So – within looking at that, what I did see was – that as the worst case scenario which is where we are not able to Walk this Process through to Completion as a Complete Alignment to Equality as All Here is not Acceptable. As much as I can dwell on idea(l)s about what Birthing Life from and as The Physical means (Indicating Separation) – I have not fully stood One and Equal to and as that Point. But the Point that I can and Will Stand One and Equal to, Right Here, Right now – no exceptions – is to do whatever it takes, whatever is necessary – to Stop what is Here as what we have Accepted and Allowed Ourselves to Exist as.
I do not Accept myself or ourselves or this world or any other part of us to continue into infinity (as this magic-trick of stretching into time and space) the way that we are currently existing. I do not see/realize/experience a certainty within myself – and therefore I can see (with the Assistance from those that have Walked before me) the possibility of us “missing” this opportunity and having to “wait” another trillion years (again in this absurd time and space magic-trick) – before getting to the same point again. Alright – this is not even relevant as I am speculating into points that I have little Self-A-Whereness of at the Moment.
The Point I Stand To state – is that I can most definitely say that I do not and will not Allow myself to Continue existing as I have Accepted and Allowed myself to exist.
So from that Perspective – Cancer is invited and Embraced – from another Perspective, Cancer represents the parasitic way we as Humans have Accepted and Allowed ourselves to Exist – taking over the organism, as this world, as our Physical body and literally killing it through copying ourselves (with no practical function what so ever) into All that is Here – (as the mind, infecting the Physical)
So – I Embrace myself as Cancer as the Solution – The Destruction of that which does not belong in the Physical and I renounce myself as the Cancer as that which does not belong in the Physical, yet have managed to Manifest itself Here anyway, without any Practical Function – only destruction and deterioration.
This is about Brutality – about Destruction and being Destroyed and I see how I can Change my Starting-Point within and as Cancer from Destruction to Support. I have not Allowed myself to be Brutal – because the only brutality I have Allowed has been as the Cancer parasite of and as the Mind. I have not fully understood the Brutality of Life Supporting Life to Stand up. I have Simply not been Willing to.
So – this is my certainty.
Now I again Face the Fear/belief of getting/having Cancer – Can I Self-Honestly say that I don’t Care?
The core points within the fear of getting/having cancer is:
1. Fear of consequence/beliefs about manifested consequence
2. Fear of getting sick – what does this imply?
3. Cancer as a symbol
4. Fear of “missing out” through dying/missing my “chance”
5. Fear/belief of having made irreparable mistakes/fall – that which can not be forgiven
6. Regret – “loss” – missing the “dearly departed”
7. Physical deterioration
8. Seeing others see me as having cancer
It is clear that “that which not can be forgiven” is a HUGE motherfucker of a self-deception as arguing for my limitations – and as I have proven to myself, it does not actually matter what I have done – I have believed/feared this anyway. And as such I have paved a path for myself, where I would create/manifest a “reality” accordingly. So another Point I have seen is that fears/desires and beliefs are connected, so where there’s a fear, there’s a desire and a belief as well, connected into a relationship “bounce”. So I can look out for this as I am Applying Self-Forgiveness on these points because the fears are easy enough to spot and the beliefs as well, but I have not yet mentioned the desires. Also – beliefs indicate Separation as they are formed only within the individuality/personality. If there is something that I don’t’ KNOW – as Standing One and Equal as that Point as myself, it is because I have separated myself from it, whether I remember consciously at the moment or not, thus beliefs sort of “surrogate” for this in a twisted and separated way, because it is only related to personality-mind-created points in relation to the past, but imposing and being accepted as though it is Real and true – exactly as the cancer “takes over” the body through copying itself into and onto all the other cells of the body, as though they can “take over from here” while in fact, they cannot and serve not Practical purpose. Interestingly enough, they pain is loosening in my neck and shoulders. I do not experience myself as inflexible as before. I still experience cold hands, but also the heat around the head is dissipating. The slight headache is also still here, however I experience it as “coming from” the tension in the shoulders as well as tension in the forehead.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, what’s the reason for my fall?
1 having or showing an excessively high opinion of one’s appearance or abilities.
2 producing no result; useless. having no likelihood of fulfilment: a vain boast.
Quite fascinating this point as it is actually revealing two points within one – and as I participate in the first, I create the second definition. And also this phrase: “having no likelihood of fulfillment”
I react to as a fear and a belief – so what is the hidden desire behind this point?
It is not to be seen – as I have mirrored before – that is “too easy”
The desire to be full-filled – to “birth myself as life from the physical” – OH MY GOD! How could I not have seen this Point? I have not allowed myself to, as simple as that – It does make sense however how I have not been able to Stand Equal and One to this Point – because I have been looking at it in Separation and from within and as the mind and within energy in the relationship triangle of Fear/belief/desire – and obviously – self-interest = Accepting myself as the manifestation of Separation.
So what is my idea/belief/desire about “birthing myself as life from the physical” – That I will be whole, that magical wonderful things will happen – it is again the point of ascension and “aspiration” – which literally means “hope” and also indicates again the acceptance of Self as Separate
The definition of which is – roll out the red carpets: “1530s, “action of breathing into,” from L. aspirationem (nom. aspiratio), noun of action from pp. stem of aspirare (see aspire). Meaning “steadfast longing for a higher goal, earnest desire for something above one” is recorded from c.1600 (sometimes collectively, as aspirations).”
So I desire to “act of breathing into Life” – Aspiring to “become” – although I am already Here and thus within this Denying myself entirely, as shown by making idea(l)s about the physical, about life, as this magical, wonderful occurrence, while on the other side, fearing it and also fearing the polarity of inflexibility, immovability, deterioration, loss, that it is too late.
So does this mean that the desire to “Acting as breathing into Life” (as ideas about what Standing up and “birthing Self as Life from the Physical” means) is an equivalent of the Fear of getting cancer?
Because Cancer “happens” – as I have believed it to be a punishment from life, while aspiration within this definition (revealing the self-deception of hope) is about ACTING – as Self – STANDING AS SELF and thus as my new definition of Cancer as Life destroying that which is not Life.
I have written myself into an enigma – which is not Practical – thus I have made a “mystery” about these Points that are not Actually or Really mysterious – why? Because I want to “live up to” process. GOD DAMN IT! There is no Process if I am not Walking Process as myself, which is why I Changed my Starting-Point to Standing as Stopping what is Here – but how can I then within that deny myself in Birthing myself as Life from the Physical – is that not exactly arguing for my Limitations? Thus saying that I am apparently “too small” for such a “big task” within a false modesty and false humility?
I have compared myself to those that I see/define/idealize as “Walking this Process without Compromise” and I want to be like them. Meaning: I aspire to become like them, I hope to become like them – a total self-deception – because within that I have denied myself.
What is it that I have not yet Embraced? Vanity was the reason for my fall – That makes complete sense. The desire to “become” and the fear of it being “too late” as the main ways I have argued for my limitations in and as Self-Deception and also distracted and pre-occupied myself from Focusing on what IS relevant – which is: Stopping what is Here as how and what I have Accepted and Allowed myself to become SO THAT LIFE CAN BE BORN FROM THE PHYSICAL .
Thus – This entire writing is about Re-Defining Words – as Living Actions – As Living Statements of Who I am and How I gonna be and Who and What I Will and Will NOT Accept myself as and Accept within and as my world and Reality
Cancer: From the parasitic occupation of the Mind on Life – as serving no Practical Reason and the Fear and manifestation of it being too late – To the manifested consequence as Brutal Self-Support that remove All that is not Life from the Equation
Aspiring: From Hoping to “make it” and dreaming about being “Whole” – about “Becoming”- separating Self from the Process of Standing up as Life in Self-Responsibility and Equality – to The Action of Breathing Life into Life – Which is what this Process is all about – The action is not a doing – It is a BEING – Thus removing the “vanity” and “in vain” out of the Equation and Standing as BEING in full Awareness, Embracing, Sounding All that is Here in Self-Responsibility.
Alright – so – what are the Practical Correction of these Realizations?
Firstly – a Point I have Realized is that I, in my writings, try to grasp it all in one moment, rather greedily and desperate within and through the fear of “not making it” as equivalent to it being “too late” – in which I indicate that I believe and accept that this Process is Directed by something/someone outside Separate from me – Thus this is the first point of my Agenda.
I Stand to take this Process into my own hands.
I Stop Self-Uncertainty and Self-Doubt Because I Realize that these are Self-Manipulation of and as holding onto and within Self-Limitation and Self-Denial
It is I Who must Value myself as Life through Practically Living and Walking the Realizations that I Stand up within and as in Seeing who and what I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be and become and who and what I Will Accept and Allow myself to be and Exist as
This is the Point I have not Allowed myself to Live: Certainty – Wholeness – Being – Actual Self-Responsibility – Self-Sufficiency
By Allowing myself to Create and Participate Fear of Loss I am Actually creating that which I fear – allowing myself to become that fear of loss
Separate myself from that which I fear losing – because if I Stand Equal with and as that point, no Separation can exist
Fear of loss exists only within and as separation as the Desire for “connection” indicates an acceptance of being and existing as Disconnected
I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear getting/having cancer and within this I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear facing this fear, both within myself and within exposing this fear to myself
I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear facing the fear I have accepted and allowed to participate within and as, as the fear that if I were to admit to myself and expose that I feared getting/having cancer, I would make it “more real” – when in fact it was the fear and the suppression of the fear and thereby my participation in the fear as real – that manifested the point of cancer in the first place
I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to expect myself to get cancer within having accepted and allowed myself to create a belief that cancer was/is a punishment that “life” (read: god) place on those that have fallen (read: “sinned)
I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to separate myself from manifested consequence as cancer within believing and fearing that cancer could be exposed upon me/infused within and as me, by someone, something else, outside separate from me, as the god that judges his children
I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Realize that I am the Directive Principle of Manifested Consequence and that I am the Creator and Acceptor of manifested consequence
I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Realize that if I were to get/have cancer it would be myself that have/had created and manifested it, either through fear/belief or through manifested consequence (probably of suppression) or as a Self-Support for me to Realize myself Here as Life
I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to create and manifest the necessity for cancer as a system of “self-cleansing” – simply because I have not been Willing to Face myself and Stand up in Self-Honesty, Self-Responsibility Equal and One, Here as Life
I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to exist as a cancer on this Earth – and thus within fearing Cancer, actually fearing Facing myself as the manifested consequence of and as who and what I have Accepted and allowed myself to be and become, as a parasitic “life-form” believing itself to superior to the entire Organism as Life, as this Earth and all Life Here, as though it could superimpose itself on Life and take over, while in fact it’s only “function” was as a destructive “copying-mechanism” that serves no Practical or useful purpose for Life in any way what so ever
I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to become infected by and manifest myself as Cancer as who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become – as an automated system-robotic copying-mechanism within and as a manifestation of self-delusional superiority superimposing myself on the Physical and by doing so, destroying and deteriorating what is Here as Life – as the very manifestation of Separation of and as who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become
I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Stand One and Equal to the Cancer that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be and become, as the manifestation of the Human Being, as all of humanity and within and as me as a singular cell of Cancer, created only to copy myself – only motivated and inclined by the “drive” to copy myself
I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear that cancer would spread through out my Human Physical body and that with it, I would deteriorate and Die and within this not Realizing that this is exactly what we as Humans are existing within and as, what we are doing to the planet and ourselves as the Physical – through existing within and as the Mind as the manifested automation of the copying-mechanism of superiority in and as Separation of and as Ourselves Here as Life
I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Separate myself from the Directive Principle of and as The Process of Stopping the Mind, Standing up as Life and Birthing myself Here in and as The Physical – within believing and accepting myself to believe, as an argument for my Self-limitation and inferiority to the system, that it is something, someone else, outside Separate from me that is the Directive Principle of the Process of me as Self, Standing up from within and as the Mind, as who and what I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be and become – and thus within this having denied, refused and Abdicated Self-Responsbility for and as who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become – for Stopping myself as the Mind, as the cancer-infestation of the systematic robotic copying-mechanism – for Birthing myself as Life from and as The Physical
I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate – and thus validate – self-doubt and self-uncertainty within and as Birthing myself as Life from and as the Physical – which is in Fact another Self-Manipulation within arguing for and as my limitations – which is in fact not wanting to take Self-Responsibility and Standing up
I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Allow my Directive Principle to be based on and as what I fear, desire, experience and want – instead of Standing Firm within Walking This Process – and also Walking into “the unknown” within and as Self-Trust and Establishing Self-Certainty
I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Realize that if Self-Certainty is “not Here” it is not because Self-Certainty is thus “not possible” or that I am “unable to reach” Self-Certainty – It is Simply because I am the One Who have to Establish Self-Certainty within and each Step that I am Walking as a Re-Design, a Re-Creation, a Re-Programming, a Re-Alignment, a Correction of who and what I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be and become – THAT is Self-Responsibility
I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to exist in “vain” – as Vanity – within and as placing value only on that which I “present myself as” – Thus the Present that I accept myself as – the now – and I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Realize that behind this “presentation” is the Starting-Point of having Accepted myself as “less” and as “not whole” – therefore always only “aspiring” – always only a “candidate” and not a Can-Do-That or a Breath-In-Action
I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to be and Exist as Self-Sufficient and within that having deliberately denied myself to exist and be Self-Sufficient because I believed I would lose something, were I to Accept myself as “sufficient”
I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to exist within and as “vain” as pointlessness, as “having no likelihood of fulfilling” – instead of Realizing that this is a Self-Deception as Separation that I have created and manifested myself within and as, within and as and from the starting-point of “vanity” – (The presents are always “more” before they are unwrapped – when they are unwrapped, they become simply “things” – equal to all the other things” – but when they are still wrapped, they are mysterious and special)
I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to refuse to Give myself to myself, through giving myself the opportunity to Breathe myself Here – and thus having refused to Give myself to myself as Life – thus refusing to Give Life to Life – existing on artificial “respiration” being “hooked up” forever to a Machine having to Breathe for me, because I have refused to Breathe for myself
I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Realize that I have Allowed myself to be “taken over” by and as an infestatious “life-form” that I have willingly submitted myself to and as, within the refusal to Face myself in Self-Honesty and Stand up in Self-Responsibility to Correct myself
I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Allow the Mind to be and become the Directive Principle of and as me – as though the mind has invaded me as a Superior nation, when in Fact, I was the one who wanted to Abdicate Self-Responsibility and “dream away” and thereby allowed the mind to infect me as me, become me and the Directive Principle of and as me
I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear and believe that this Self-Forgiveness is “in vain” because I do not experience a Release or a “heightened awareness” as Self
I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be and become – and validate myself – as the manifestation of “dissatisfaction” – as “disconnection” – as “un-wholy” – as Separate, when in fact no matter who and What I Accept and Allow myself exist as – I am Whole, as that
I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Realize that I Can Change my “Wholeness” from perceiving/experiencing/believing/perpetuating/accepting and Manifesting myself as “un-whole” to Simply Accept the Wholeness of and as Who I am (I wrote Human) and within Breath, as a Moment, Change and Correct myself into the Wholeness of Equality through not Accepting myself as Separate or “un-whole” and through Facing that which as and of myself I have accepted and manifested as “unwhole” and Separate.
I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Desire a Release within and as this Self-Forgiveness and within this I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Desire the Self-Forgiveness to “do something for me” – and thus within that Separating myself from myself as the Action/Acter of and as Self-Forgiveness – which Stands Whole and Full – as I am the Directive Principle of this Action as myself and thus there is nothing “more” than What is Here
I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Desire “more” than what is Here within and from the Acceptance of and as myself as “lack”, as “unwhole”, as “unable to be fulfilled”
I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in an experience of and as self-doubt because I do not experience a release within and as this Self-forgiveness – and a self-doubt towards “where do I now Stand” – Instead of Realizing that as I have Scripted this Self-Forgiveness, I must now Live it into Equality as myself –and that can only be one One Breath at the time – and that the protection out/into the future of “Wondering” what I am going to do next – is a validation of this Self-doubt and the belief that it is someone/something else that is Directing me – when I am In Fact- Slowly but Surely – able and capable of Directing myself
This is exactly the point of uncertainty – which I have before experienced through and as Inferiority – but which I see now, is actually Self-Deception within arguing for my limitations and creating backdoors for myself to make mistakes, fall and make excuses when/if I do so
I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that the self-uncertainty – as conditioning – and compromise – was righteous and valid because I was inferior, when in Fact this inferiority as a justification for self-uncertainty, as self- conditioning (self-containment/confinement = arguing for self-limitation) and Self-Compromise was how I Deceived myself into giving up on myself and justified giving up and Abdicating Self-Responsibility as created backdoors for myself to “use” in the future so that I could justify my “fall” and “mistakes” with claiming to be inferior and Flawed
I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deceive myself into believing, accepting and thus justifying myself as inferior instead of Realizing that the acceptance of and as myself as inferior was a Self-Manipulation to escape and avoid Standing Self-Responsible for Facing and Correcting what I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be and become
I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to create back-doors for myself through participating in and allowing thoughts, experiences and protections of self-uncertainty and self-doubt, facilitated by the belief and acceptance of and as myself as inferior, into the future – so that I could justify making excuses, mistakes and falls for myself
I Stop all reactions to Cancer – as Cancer is not Separate from or as me – I Stand One and Equal to The Cancer I have Become within and as this World, Within and as My Human Physical Body and I Stand One and Equal to The Cancer as the Cleansing of myself through Brutal Self-Honesty and Manifested Consequences so that I may Stand up and Birth myself as Life From the Physical, within and as Equality as All Life Here, Equal and One
I let go of this Self-Forgiveness and I Dare myself to Stand in the Face of myself – I Dare myself to Correct myself and to not allow myself to make any back-doors as future projections of self-uncertainty and self-doubt facilitated by the acceptance of myself as inferior and Separate/separated
I am Here – in and as the Fullness and Wholeness of What and how and Who I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Become – And I Stand Correcting myself, Stopping myself as The Mind, as The Cancer that I have Allowed myself to become – To Stand up as Life, Fresh, New, Immediate, Whole and Sound – In and as Equality as Who I am Here as Life.
(Update: Aproximately 3 hours after writings this – After I had written this, the experience of “being sick” dissipated with the coldness in my hands – However I started experiencing first Pain/Anxiety in the Solar Plexus and then a very specific pain in my left knee cap/bone as well as in one my left rib bones – if anyone reading this can Assist me in understanding why these specific points “activated” after I had written this – you are more than welcome to Share Here – Thanks!)