In one of my latest videos I mentioned a document that I had written about Self-Suppression and Control. I lost the document and it is the second time that I have lost a long document due to me being too fast, opening and closing taps while listening to a video at the same time or something similar where I do three or four things at once.
This is not effective and “losing” the documents is specific as well – because I was not Walking the Correction of what I had written and so the document was in Fact “in vain”. However the Point in regards to Suppression and Survival has been quite prominent lately, meaning that I have started seeing to the extend I have Suppressed myself to survive. In correlation with this Point, another Point has also been coming up more intensely. It is about belonging to a group. I have written about it before, but thoughts and reactions have shown me, or rather I have shown myself through thoughts and reactions that this Points has had extensive influence on me, how I have perceived the world, myself and others. I have read other Destonians writing about how they’re attached to their families in extensive ways and I Realized that for me those survival attachments have equally been in relation to “the group”. Basically I would do anything to belong in the group, to be Accepted by the group, feared being cast out and rejected by the group. And the behaviors that I taught myself or copied from others and the personalities, fears and desires have carried through as entirely automated behavior. When I look at my backchat approximately 60 percent of it is in relation to survival in the group. The group are those I consider my peers in any given situation or circumstance. This Point alone has been a huge influence on me and further more – I have been unwilling to give it up. More or less every thought, every projection, every reaction, is about belonging to and surviving in the group. Then there is a next level which is about gaining power in the group, advancing. It is fascinating because it also explains how I have been stuck between wanting others to lead me or leading others, because that is exactly a group-behavior or a group-personality as well.
One of the points I have been unwilling to give up has been the point about eloquence, intelligence and humor. The Mind/ego/personality explains it like this: “Because I have fought so hard to get in that position – if I give it up, I will be back to where I started” – Where I started was experiencing myself awkward and uncomfortable in the group, being detached, not understanding the rules or codes and thus feeling like an outsider or exposed to being rejected and cast out. There is actually a specific memory connected to this point. I was standing in a group, I was around 8-9 years old and I could not understand what was going on. In that moment I decided that I would learn the rules of the game. It took me many years, but in the end I somewhat perfected it to a personality that could be accepted and even applauded by others.
It was all a construct, a deliberate design to survive. I liked it – I liked being “on the beat”. I have seen the same in fashion – it is about being in front of what is going on, being in front of the race. I also see how I placed extensive value in belonging to the group, because I found little security or value in my family-life. What is so insane is that everyone probably experienced exactly the same, believing that the others had it all in control, while actually the group was made up from the collectively submission to it, the collective belief in it. This is why I have refused standing alone- because through-out my life, belonging to the group has been one of the single most important points. Later I developed the rebel and the secret life as a sort of fuse for the compromise I “had to” make to the group. So – I have written about this before. What is it that I am still holding onto? Or still believing in?
Well first of all the experience of myself within the starting-point of the on-set into compromising for the group is still “existent” – So I still experiencing myself as not belonging to the group, as akward and embarrassing/embarrassed at myself. The belief is still influencing me that it is only through the group’s acceptance and approval of me that I can become worthy. Even as I write this, the thoughts are running: “I have already written about this, but I have not walked through it effectively, they will think I am an idiot and a loser”. Alright – so this is simply One single point from which I have spun an entire personality and self-definition based on how I Accepted myself.
How did I come to Accept myself as awkward and a loser? There is definitely a point in relation to the clothes I wore. I got teased by the others because my clothes were not “fashionable” and it took me many years to understand some form of fashion. Even if I have believed I have understood it, I still do not experience myself able to “fit into the image”.
It is as though the awkwardness cloaks me and only in brief moments have I experienced myself “fitting the image” and boy did I SUCK it in when I did. This also explains why I always dream about expressing myself Physically – the dream that keeps repeating in different scenarios: I am expressing myself and breaking the boundaries of what is Physically possible, experience myself floating, flowing, graceful, limitless, often flying or doing moves that is not currently possible. However this is not so much the subject of the dream, because it simply feels natural and I am enjoying the movement of myself as the Physical. But – in the dream it switches to me trying to impress others with my moves and then I “lose” the expression. In the dream I do not Appreciate or give value to Self-Enjoyment and Self-Movement and only see it as valuable if others are impressed by it. So this is the awkwardness, the desire to “fit in” and the polarity of the experience of awkwardness as “grace” and the inner conflict which is basically the Point that I have never Allowed myself to Face – am I enough? Again the thoughts go: “this is absolutely stupid, I know that this is not common sense, they will see that I am a loser, quick: hide!”
To change the dream, I would remain within my Self-Enjoyment of Self-Movement. I would explore and expand the movements simply moving myself. There are no others. The scenario of the dream actually goes again in my writings – and what the dream reveals to me, what I reveal to myself through the dream, is a point of ego. I am Breathing now – somewhat Stable. This is cool.
Is the Point Clear? This is about my Starting-Point because I have Realized that this is a One eyed-Monster of and as me, where everything I have said and done has been from a Starting-Point of “fitting into” and belonging to the group, advancing in the group, not being rejected by the group. And so my motivation has been self-interest, separation and energy – therefore I have not been consistent or stable. I have been addicted to the feeling of high when I was appreciated and accepted in the group and I have been stuck in the fear of being rejected, exposed and ridiculed as the polarity.
I am Here to Change my Application to that of Support and Stability. Self-Support and Self-Stability. The platform is Here and I am Grateful for it, because there are not any questions about what to do or how – it is Simply a matter of Practicing and becoming effective within it.
Where do I experience Self-Enjoyment and Self-Movement, but do not appreciate it and then Compromise it for the sake of being appreciated by the group? LOL – in writing, in videos, in moving myself. When I study there is absolutely no pay-off because I don’t give value to the knowledge anymore, only as ego sees it as an opportunity for advancement within the group – FUCK – LOL.
When I am to prioritize and decide what to do and when to do it during a day, I usually have chosen this Starting-Point over Supporting and releasing myself from and as the Mind. This means that my Starting-Point has been ego – What happens when I give this up? LOL – the thoughts say: “then there is nothing more to live for” – Ha Ha COOL!
I have argued for my limitations too long – and I have existed in and as this fake-ass personality submission too long. What I can do is to nip this in the butt, meaning that every time I see myself Participating from this Starting-Point – I STOP. I locate and allocate myself as Self-Enjoyment, as Self-Stability. So I bring myself back Here. I am not Here to satisfy an ego or a fear or a desire – they are based on a miss-calculated equation that I am Separate – therefore they are not Real. And it is my Responsibility to make sure that this is what I Live – or I will continue to live in and as a miss-calculation.
I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Walk the Correction I have scripted for myself in relation to having submitted myself to the group to survive
I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Participate in my world and reality from a Starting-Point of desiring to belong to the group, to be accepted and appreciated by the group, of the fear of being rejected by the group and thus not being able to Survive
I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to place value on the group as being Superior and thus Accepting myself as inferior to the group
I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept myself within and as the starting-point of and as ego as surviving in the group as Superior to Participating as an Equal in the group within and as the purpose of Stopping the Mind and the World-Systems of and as Abuse and Separation
I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be and become pre-occupied, possessed and obsessed with “fitting into” and “belonging” to a group
I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Submit myself to the belief that if I am not Accepted in a group, that I will not Survive
I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to submit myself as inferior to the ego as superior
I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to protect and defend myself as the ego and the starting-point of participating within and from ego based on the belief that “I must survive at all costs”
I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be and become obsessed with surviving
I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Realize that I have existed only to Survive through the group
I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deceiving myself and another as myself into believing that I was Participating from a Starting-Point of Self-Honesty and Equality, when in fact I was Participating from a Starting-Point of Accepting myself as ego
I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to abuse and use and misrepresent the group for self-interest
I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in shame of having abused, used and misrepresented the group for self-interest
I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to submit myself to the group
I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Realize that the groups is created through my participation in it, my submission to it and my acceptance of it as superior because of the belief that the only way to survive is through the group
I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Stop myself when I experienced myself “on top” and “high” and “superior” within and as Participating in the group from a starting-point of advancing as ego and instead having allowed myself to indulge in and submit myself to the experience
I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to hold onto and not be willing to let go of the experience of myself as “eloquent” within the justification that I was successful within this and that it thus heightened my chances of surviving and also within this I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear that if I were to let go of this personality-experience-definition of and as myself as “eloquent” that I would go back to experiencing myself as awkward and an outsider – instead of realizing that the entire starting-point has been accepting, defining and experiencing myself as awkward and an outsider and that I have thus not until now let go, believing myself to be in fact what I experienced myself as
I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear being exposed, ridiculed, judged and rejected as awkward, a loser, a nerd, an idiot by others –when in fact I have already accepted myself as awkward, a loser, a nerd, an idiot by myself and thus ridiculed, judged and rejected by myself
I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to realize that the experience, judgment, definition and acceptance of myself as awkward, a loser, a nerd, an idiot, is not who or what I really am and that they are dirty tricks of the ego playing parts of me out against each other, to spur the fear of not surviving and the desire to be on top
I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to let go of the desire to become accepted and successful within the group, because I believed that were I to do that, I would be back with “my old sorry self” – instead of realizing that Facing myself as “my old sorry self” is necessary for me to Realize that this is not Who I am and take Self-Responsibility for having Accepted, defined, judged and experienced myself as that, as Real – so that I can Stop and appreciate, Move, express myself Here – in Equality and Physicality, Equal and One with what is Here
I am Grateful to those that have Walked before me – and those that are Walking as Examples – because I find much Support in your Words and Examples. I Change my Participation in and from this Moment on to be that of Support and Assistance to All as myself in Humbleness and Gratitude.
I Revoke the Desire to belong to the Group and I Stand Equal to and as the Group – both as the Group that we’ve designed to keep us Enslaved to the Fear of not Surviving and The Group that has Come together to Stop the Mind and the Systems of Fear, Suppression and Abuse.
I Dedicate Every Moment to Walk this Process and I Dedicate Every Moment I have allowed myself to Walk as Ego in Fear, Separation and Self-Interest – To Correcting myself to What is Best for All – To Live, Exist and Breathe Here, in and as The Physical