I WANT ATTENTION – I WANT TO BE SEEN – I WANT TO BE HEARD – I WANT TO BE TOUCHED
Today this Point opened up in multiple facets. I am Here looking at how most effectively bringing myself to a Point of Clarification and release. It is a personality – It is at the level of automation because I find it difficult to Stop, even though I see that it is not Real, that it is not Common Sense and that it is not Best for All. I have been holding onto this Person-all-I-tie out of Fear.
Starving for attention – Not seeing Self – This sentence is also multifaceted, because it is both a Point of literally not Seeing as in blind, but also as in not seeing as in appreciating/accepting as well as seeing not Self, because of the Acceptance/Self-Definition of Self as personality. So I don’t see myself, because I see myself as something else than Self. LOL – why is it even necessary to See Self? This can only be done in reflection. I was looking at the post I made with the title “grateful for the mirror, now let’s break it”. Because I was looking at this Point of having to have Self mirrored to Self, in order to Self to See who and what Self has Allowed Self to Exist within and as – and that at some point Self has to Break the mirror, Realize that there is no mirror and only then will Self be able to See – until then, all Self sees is mirrors. Even this writing is mirrors upon mirrors. So when the mirror is broken, there is no reason to See Self – and what are mirrors for anyway? Why do we have to see ourselves, when we are Right Here So the mirror provides some experience, where we for example prepare ourselves to be seen by others. Where we judge ourselves. So the reason I desire attention and recognition from others, is because I don’t see myself – but it is not only that – it is also the belief that I require to be seen – because when this point is taken out of the Equation, what is left is Self and more specifically the Expression and Experience of Self Here, Being Self – instead of Seeing Self. So what is seeing? An interpretative tool? Is this really about me NOT wanting to see myself? So is the Real reason why I desire to be seen by others, so that I don’t have to see myself?
I don’t Live Equality – not in Actuality – this is why. If I did, I would not require anything at all besides the Physical requirements that are currently required within the world as it is at the moment. It is the same with this Process – If we were Self-Realized within Equality, we would not Require a Process – We require the Process, only because We’ve Fucked Ourselves into Oblivion.
When I look at all parts of my participation during my day, there are many moments and breaths, where I am not Here – which is in itself indicate of Self-Delusion, because: How can I not be Here? I see and experience myself as a personality, as this specific combination of memories, self-definitions, beliefs, judgments, backchats and desires and throughout my day, I believe, accept and support myself as that. So – “who” is it that I am when I am “not here”? What I see as the most prominent is: The desire to be seen, heard, touched, accepted, loved, appreciated, respected and found important by someone outside myself. This is something that I have become possessed by and obsessed with to a great extend. Equally the desire to be perfect, to be in the middle, the center, be special, be important, be strong, be diligent, be disciplined. Obsessive. The fear of making mistakes, of being bad, of not being good enough, of not getting it all done, of not being effective. The judgment of self as lazy, inefficient, self-interested, deceptive – Self-Doubt – Allowing myself to not Trust myself leaves “room” for excuses, justifications and backdoors. Backchat as envy, judgment, jealousy, comparison, inferior/superior and the consequential self-judgment, shame, guilt and suppression of the same. The Polarity of Pushing to hard and Caving in. Then there is the physical/mind-physical experience of self as I participate in the above stated: most prominently an energy of nervousness, anxiety, haste, pushing and pulling, eratic movements and pain I specific parts of my body.
If I am not Here, Equal and One – it is because I am Accepting myself as more or less – my starting-Point for Participation is Inferiority/Superiority – Believing myself to be The Separation – The Separate – Apart.
Hanging on to anything of the past, makes me a deceiver – Or is it Self-Doubt as self-sabotage and self-manipulation? This has to be Absolutely Clear because I see both within holding onto the Past. Because the first Point I saw when looking at this was the Point of smoking – and next is the Point of Emotions – which are both related to the past. Why else would I keep Participating and Allowing myself to Participate in this, if it were not because I was holding onto the Past.
Where is it I fall into the trap? Self-Doubt – Doubting my Stance and Participating in these experiences as Real – Thus Participating from a Starting-Point of Perceived lack. As I Stand as The Authority of me, there can be no lack – nothing is missing, nothing of me requires to be more or less, Simply Corrected from the fuck up as Separation that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Exist within and as – To Living Here, as an Equal.
Within Self-Doubt, Self-Judgment and Fear – I Abdicate myself. I make myself small and Accept myself as Less than what is Here saying: How can I be Responsible?
Therefore – It is only by Standing Responsible in All ways – that I can Stop existing within and as The Enslavement of Self-Deception. Within Standing Responsible in All Ways, it means that I have to Stop, Let Go of, Correct and Transcend who and what I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be and become. Alright – So where do I not yet Stand Fully Responsible? Within Trusting myself to. And within doing so, I Abdicate Self-Responsibility and Equilibrium because I have already Accepted myself as Less than and is thus Equally trapped within the Polarity of more than. This is one of the prominent experiences during my day. I have fought and battled and Pushed my way to the forefront in the hopes of getting some kind of worth, some kind of recognition – all the While I have refused to See myself Here – Refused to Stand Responsible for myself Here. Therefore, I Return to the Moment – I Allow myself to Change in the Moment –To Push each and Every Moment from Self-Interest in Separation and Self-Deception and Self-Delusion to Standing Self-Responsible for what is Here. This is the Practical Solution in a big scale – However I also require to Place myself within Practicality with Points that are more Practical.
There are currently 3 Points that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Hold onto and thus having hold onto as myself, in Self-Deception:
- Smoking – Self-Suppression, Holding on to the past as control of Self
- Self-Doubt/Self-judgment – Self-Manipulation through emotions and energy
- Looking for others to Direct me/Searching for Acceptance Outside Separate from Self
The Points are connected – I have not yet Dared Standing Alone. I am still looking for bad and good omens and within that I have trapped myself in a position of Inequality, Possession and Inferiority/Superiority. This is the Point of Survival
This is what I have held onto and it is time that I let go – because within holding onto myself within and as these Points, I have Allowed myself to turn my back on Life, on Equality, on myself. My reasoning for continuing to smoke (within and as justifications) is that I am not capable or able to deal with the emotional experiences that comes with Stopping. I Realize that there are specific Points (all of Points) of myself that I have Accepted and thereby Manifested myself as Separate from. Therefore Smoking has made me feel in control of myself = Self-Suppression – This I can Direct myself to replace with Self-Direction and Self-Support within writing, forgiving myself and in stabilizing my physical environment for a Moment as Support. The second Point is cool because within stabilizing myself in and as Breath, Here, it becomes more and more obvious that I am Participating in something and not becoming consumed entirely by the experience.
Therefore I Direct myself to remember until it is perfectly clear and I need no more reminding – that the experience is not Real, is not who I am – is Self-Deception from within and as the Starting-Point of having Accepted myself as the Mind as more and less than who I am. The Point of seeking validation from others, I see that I have to Walk through, over and over until it is Done. I am not completely clear as to whether or not there are more layers within this that I have not yet uncovered, so if there is – which this unclarity could signify – I am able to take it up within the Moment and Investigate it. One of the reasons why I don’t want to investigate it further, in terms of writing about the Past, is a point of self-judgment/desire to be transcended already – I have been ashamed of how I have not Walked this Process to the utmost of my capability and Responsibility for All as One as Equal as Life. This Point requires Self-Forgiveness as I release myself from the energetic experiences and control and Place myself within and as a Self-Directive Stance. I Allow myself and I Direct myself to utilize this Here Moment to Confirm my Stance. I STAND FOR WORLD EQUALITY – I STAND WITHIN THE REALIZATION THAT NO ONE IS FREE UNTIL ALL ARE FREE AND THEREFORE ANY FORM OF “FREEDOM” THAT I HAVE ALLOWED MYSELF TO PARTIPATE WITHIN AND THUS MANIFEST AS REAL FOR MYSELF, IS IN FACT NOT REAL AND IS IN FACT NOT IN SUPPORT OF WHAT IS BEST FOR ALL AS ONE AS EQUAL AS LIFE. I ALLOW MYSELF TO LET GO OF THE DESIRE TO BE HEARD. I ALLOW MYSELF TO LET GO OF THE DESIRE TO BE SEEN. I ALLOW MYSELF TO LET GO OF THE DESIRE TO BE WORTH. I ALLOW MYSELF TO LET GO OF THE DESIRE TO BE TOUCHED. I ALLOW MYSELF TO LET GO OF THE DESIRE AND PERCEIVED NEED TO BE DIRECTED BY ANOTHER, OUTSIDE SEPARATE FROM ME. I ALLOW MYSELF TO LET GO OF THE CONSTRUCT OF AND AS GOD AS A FORCE OUTSIDE SEPARATE FROM ME, AS MORE THAN ME – AND WITHIN THIS I ALLOW MYSELF TO LET GO OF ANY AND ALL EXPERIENCES AND PARTICIPATION WITHIN INFERIORITY – AS I REALIZE THAT THE ONLY PURPOSE FOR INFERIORIRTY IS TO KEEP MYSLEF ENSLAVED TO AND AS THE MIND IN SUPPRESSION AND ABUSE OF MYSELF AS THE PHYSICAL. I ALLOW MYSELF TO STAND UP AND FACE MYSELF. I ALLOW MYSELF TO BE VULNERABLE IN THE FACE OF WHO AND WHAT I HAVE ACCEPTED AND ALLOWED MYSELF TO BE. I ALLOW MYSELF TO FORGIVE MYSELF. I ALLOW MYSELF TO LET GO OF ALL I HAVE EVER KNOW AS MYSELF – BECAUSE I REALIZE THAT I HAVE NEVER KNOWN MYSELF – AND YET I HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN MYSELF, YET HAVE DENIED MYSELF HERE AND THUS NEVER ALLOWED MYSELF TO LIVE. I ALLOW MYSELF TO LIVE. I ALLOW MYSELF TO LIVE. I ALLOW MYSELF TO STOP THE MIND. I ALLOW MYSELF TO MAKE MISTAKES AND CORRECT MYSELF. I ALLOW MYSELF TO BE WHOLE. I ALLOW MYSELF TO BE SOUND. I ALLOW MYSELF TO BE INTIMATE WITH MYSELF.
I DIRECT MYSELF TO STOP MYSELF AS THE MIND AND I DIRECT MYSELF AS THE PHYSICAL TO SUPPORT MYSELF TO STOP MYSELF AS THE MIND.
I ALLOW MYSELF TO STAND HUMBLE, VULNERABLE AND SELF-HONEST I FACING MYSELF AS ALL AS ONE AS EQUAL AS LIFE.
I ALLOW MYSELF TO EXPOSE TO MYSELF ALL I HAVE ACCEPTED AND ALLOWED MYSELF TO BE AND BECOME.
I ALLOW MYSELF TO LET GO OF ALL PERCEPTIONS, DEFINITIONS, BELIEFS, MEMORIES, THOUGHTS, IMAGES, FEELINGS, EMOTIONS, BACK-CHATS, ENERGIES, JUDGMENTS, PERSONALTIES, FEARS, DESIRES – THAT I HAVE ACCEPTED AND ALLOWED MYSELF TO BECOME TRAPPED AND LOST WITHIN AND AS.
I ALLOW MYSELF TO REALIZE MYSELF AS ALL AS ONE AS EQUAL AS LIFE. I ALLOW MYSELF TO STAND UP AS ALL AS ONE AS EQUAL AS LIFE
I ALLOW MYSELF TO LET GO OF THE SELF-DECEPTION THAT I AM SEPARATE FROM MYSELF AND THUS I LET GO OF ALL PERCEIVED NEEDS TO GET ATTENTION FROM OTHERS. I APPRECIATE ME – I WORTH ME – I WALK MYSELF TO IMPORTANCE WITHIN AND AS THE ONLY RELEVANT POINT: TO STOP WHAT WE HAVE ACCEPTED AND ALLOWED OURSELVES TO BE AND BECOME AND TO STAND UP IN AND AS EQUALITY AS ALL LIFE HERE.