Yeay – This is my blank piece of paper where I can Write myself out in Self-Support. For the first time through out having Walked this Process, or maybe it is simply because I have not been grateful before, I Enjoy this Moment of Facing myself. I have even looked with enjoyment at creating another Mind-Construct – This is definitely a First for me within This Process – And I am Grateful for those Walking with me for The Support and Ass-Whooping Provided with Care.
What is Fascinating is that up to the Moment of Writing, I experience lots of Resistances. Even now as I Place myself within the position of Writing, I experience Resistance. It can be inflowing at first, however when I Allow myself to Open myself up to myself, look at what is going on, I open myself up and I Start Realizing myself within the Context of Who and What I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be and become. There is so much to write about and so little time – this is a continuous experience I have created for myself. If you have read my Dreams lately, this has been a part of the dream.
Today I looked at this, only in a Moment and I saw myself Rushing and Hasting as if reaching for something above me – Some days ago X and I had a chat, where I exposed to her a point of Superiority I had Allowed myself to Participate within and as and she showed me how it was (obviously) a balancing-point to how I have believed, seen and experienced myself as Inferior in this Process. I have Realized for myself that Inferiority is Self-Deception, I have Denied and Suppressed Superiority as myself and only Accepted myself as Inferior – creating a double Polarity-Relationship Personality-Entity.
When I say that Inferiority is Self-Deception, I do not only when Hiding from Self but also a Deliberate CON of Self – whereas the only way, (which is not even real, but that’s how we’ve created it) to Abdicate Self-Responsibility for What is Here, is to make Ourselves “Less than” what we have Cre-hated. This is another Point that has been surfacing by the way – I am seeing that it is the same Points coming up, over and over again, even when I look back over my writings over the last two years, it is almost literally the same 5 or 10 “problems” that I am constantly Faced with. Now – I have looked at whether or not this is “where” I have “reached” or gotten to in my Process of Stopping myself as The Mind or whether these 5 or 10 Points literally (with all the layers they encompass) makes up the totality of me as a Mind-Consciousness-System.
I have started to get quite unsatisfied that the same points keep re-emerging which to me indicates that I have not Face myself fully within each of these Points or Stood Equal and One as the Individual points of Self-Deception as Personality that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Exist within and as. There is the point of Compromising myself when I am with others (the desire to be seen, heard, liked, loved, accepted) – There is the point of smoking – there is the Point of Rushing and Participating from, within and as Polarity and Energy – There is the sex-point – there is the point of Self-Judgment and not Accepting/Supporting myself – There is the point of not disciplining myself and allowing myself to be Directed by bullshit. There is the point of addictions and obsessions in general – There is the fear of being alone – there is the point of desiring to be important and responsible and the equivalent polarity of desiring to be free and not responsible. Obviously none of this is interesting or relevant within the context of Life and What is Best for All. However if this is how I keep fucking myself around, compromising and holding myself enslaved – it is important to sort out and clear up – Once and for Fucking all. I have gotten to this point within myself, where I am sick and tired of only doing things half-way, half-assed – especially when Self-Realization IS HERE!!!!! Is Fucking RIGHT HERE!!!!! And then I see for example: Ah – the Point of Desiring to be seen by others, is the desire to see myself – is because I don’t see myself. And then I leave it at that, do not go all the way. And all these points come together in one fucked up conglomerate of Self-Deception and Enslavement that I call “myself”. The last 5 or 6 lines I went into the Mind. – STOP – STARTING OVER – SELF-SUPPORT – FOCUS ON SOLUTIONS .
Alright so if I am to Share a bit about my day, it has been a day of endless rushing. I have participated within and from energy, but not as specific reactions or within thoughts – simply as a constant energy felt as a pulling together in my stomach, almost as pulling myself through, forcing myself through and I see that the starting-point has been that of inferiority – fascinating – that as soon as I Move and Direct myself to Equality – The Separation Stops.
The Point of inferiority as self, is what has driven me to push myself today. Within this not Realizing that the point I am trying to reach is impossible – because within it – I have already denied myself. If I act superior in my vlog, it is because I am coming from a starting-point of inferiority and thus I am not within that Moment Standing at a Point of Equality. And I order to do so the only, only Point I can Stand at in Self-Honesty is the Point of Self-Responsibility.
For example: Today there was something I agreed to do as a point of taking Responsibility within the group. In that moment, I felt important. Someone asked me to do it and when someone asks me to take Responsibility I very often experience gratefulness – within energy as a child craving to prove itself worthy to be an adult. I have been willing to do almost anything to get that experience. When I realized that I was not 100% clear on what to do, I feared making a mistake and thus I asked someone a question on what to do, that I actually already knew the answer to, I abdicated the responsibility that I had agreed upon taken – As result she offered to take over the Point.
In this example alone, there are several revealing points:
“Taking Responsibility” is from this mind-made starting-point not about seeing within Common Sense Equality what needs to be done, but about getting an experience – that I do not already exist as – why would I else have to create an experience to be important – then there is a point of self-compromise based on the desire to be more, within complying to the acceptance of myself as inferior – then, I allowed the fear of making a mistake to direct me to abdicate responsibility.
I know I can Stand at a Point of Equality – Because I have seen it for myself, I have seen it as myself. But as long as I do not Allow myself to Actually Take Self-Responsibility fully, I will keep abdicating myself to be “less than” who I actually am and what I am actually capable of.
Separation is created and manifested when we do not Stand One and Equal with what is Here in Self-Responsibility. That is Simplistically what is going on.
At the moment I experience tiredness in the eyes and the mind is telling me to stop writing. LOL – I am Here Pushing myself to Self-Honesty and Self-Direction and I Direct myself as The Physical to not Accept this Mirage – tiredness clearing up already LOL LOL LOL (have a cup of coffee)
I would like very much to Move and Direct myself to the Point of Specificity and efficiency, both within my writing and within my daily participation. Last night I realized a fascinating thing: That when I was on the Farm, time stopped and a day felt like a year or a lifetime sometime, very long and full and now it feels like a moment of rushing, where I am trying to squeeze as much as possible into one day. There is obviously an aspect of this at a structural level, with the farm being the farm and where I am here surrounded by middle-class families living the stressful living in the pursuit of happiness. However this is essentially about my Starting-Point – about Who I am within Every Moment of Every Breath. And if that is not Clear – then I am not Clear and I have Allowed myself to be Directed by bullshit. It is fascinating that I have held onto and placed myself within and as a self-definition of being lazy and undisciplined, and I am Realizing now that this is a Polarity Point – because I am equally apt to Push way to much and even enjoy myself within it – I enjoy being hard on myself – LOL. Stupid. So that is how the polarity balances itself out, through justifying itself in the relationship with its opposite, because it is “common sense” that after having pushed soooo hard, I am allowed to “relax” or “have a beer” not that I have ever wanted beer, but that is how human beings normally justify these polarity-enslavement-relationships. And it is the same the other way around: after having been lazy and apathic, I pull myself together like a soldier. Alright so here I can Apply the same Principle as I have with food and eating – locating and directing myself to a Point of Stability and stopping all participation in Polarity.
I STOP ALL PERSONALITIES – I STOP ALL PERSONAL TIES – I STOP TYING MYSELF TO SELF-DEFINITIONS – I STOP LIVING IN SHAME AND I ALLOW MYSELF TO LIVE HERE – I AM EQUALLY RESPONSIBLE – NO ONE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR ME BUT ME – I AM THE DIRECTIVE PRINCIPLE OF AND AS ME – I AM HERE EQUAL AND ONE SOUND AND WHOLE.
At the moment I experience a dilemma exactly as depicted in this writing above. I experience tiredness and I am satisfied with my writings tonight thus far, but I feel that I should push through and Apply Self-Forgiveness on all the Points that has come up here. One of the reasons is that I so often experience that if I do not Direct a Point immediately within the moment, I will “lose it” for now and then only “get it back” later, instead of sorting it out immediately. However on the other side – is this an idea? That this writing is not good enough if I have not applied self-forgiveness? What is tired? The physical or the Mind? I experience tiredness in my eyes and head which is an indicator that the mind is resisting letting go = facing myself and stopping myself as the mind. At the same time, I have not taken a moment to relax or let go all day and in fact this is something that I have found difficult through out this entire process – so the “need” to relax is definitely valid. I also experience a judgment that I am not Allowed to Relax or do something else than push myself – however that is a part of the mind as ego and personality creating idea(l)s about “process” – because who wants to live in a Reality where one cannot relax? And what do I represent as an example of Equality, if I am constantly pushing myself too hard – out of guilt? Fear? Inferiority? I can see that I have now opened another layer rather than clarifying and simplifying the point for myself.
So – can I Allow myself to let go and Relax? YES – I STAND UP WITHIN SELF-TRUST THAT I WILL AND THAT I AM WALKING THIS PROCESS – I WILL DO WHAT EVER IT TAKES TO PERFECT MYSELF AND TO STOP ALL PARTS OF EXISTENCE THAT IS NOT BEST FOR ALL – WOW – IT IS AS SIMPLE AS THAT. THE END.
Alright – I read through this post and I still experience guilt for stopping. I also see within my words an unclarity as to whether or not it is “okay” to let go for tonight. I also see a point of justification within explaining myself… to? To who? To you dear reader – OH MY FREAKIN’ DOG! That is so stupid. LOL
Alright – Over and Out.