This is what I Realized as I wrote last night: That the Self-Forgiveness I Applied was the first Real Act I have done in a long time. As I was writing about writing Self-Forgiveness from and as the Mind as ego, I Realized that I could simply Apply myself, for myself – that I did not require any Direction from anything outside, separate from me – and so in that Moment, I Acted. I Applied Self-Forgiveness in a Physical Movement as me, with no thought or energy telling me what to do. I Realized that this is me Actually Moving me and I see that when I have done this before, it has been the same, yet I have not been aware of the difference to such an extend.

At one time I applied the following method as also suggested in several Desteni videos: I only acted when there was no thought or mind-based movement directing me. This resulted in some interesting Realizations, because I saw how many of my actions was Actually directed by and as the Mind. It is an important and not insignificant step to take – because it is the Actuality in Action of Stopping the Mind. Obviously the Point is not be of the Mind in any way what so ever, however while One is Practicing Stopping the Mind, this is a cool Support.

In relation to this, there is something else that I have Realized. I have noticed how I have said in several situations: “When I am Here…” or “When I am in the Mind…” – and I have Realized that within speaking/standing as/living these words, I have tacitly Accepted myself as the Mind, in past, future, presence – indicating that I am not going to stop, that I am not taking Directive action and Will to Change and Correct myself, but basically accepting the status quo of who and what I have Accepted and Allowed myself to become. This is also an indicating of Walking this Process half-assed, which literally means not Walking at all, and which also means walking as Self-Deception – because if I am not Stopping myself as the Mind in Every Moment of Every Breath – If I am not Bringing myself Here as Life in Every Breath, there is no Process. Then my Walking have been a show on display. Okay – enough talk about this. I have written about this before, no need to write about it again.

I see what I must do, which is to Apply myself Here in the Physical, which is to override all back-chats (the soft whispering voice in the head) and to Direct myself according to what is Best for All. My resolve is getting stronger – or rather: I am Strengthening my resolve, because what the fuck else is there to do in this Existence? – Why the fuck else should I exist? The Abuse and Deception in this World is Extensive and just as surely as I have been Living proof of this, do I Push myself to be and become Living proof of Standing up from the bottom of the pit and Actually Live Here. If I were to say something to someone else Walking into this Process, I would say: do not make the mistakes that I have made, it is unnecessary and you will regret it – it is also not worth it, seriously, it is not worth it. And the tools we Share Here are really Simplistic – however they obviously require Self-Honest Application and Action.

It is fascinating to see my Agreement Partner Changing and there is a point that I mentioned yesterday, which I see as relevant to bring up again. My partner often Shares with me how he experiences himself in his daily Participation and there are especially two points that I’d like to bring into this writing: 1. in our chat last night, he mentioned how he Moves himself like water through his day, simply Trusting himself to do whatever requires to be done. 2. He has shared with me how he is Pushing himself to Stand Alone in his school and class.

Both of these Points I have reacted to with envy – not jealousy, because there has been no spite or anger towards my partner. The experience is more that of agony that I am not Living this and thus I have experienced myself as far away from these points, blaming myself for who and what I have Allowed myself to Live. Now I have Realized that when I compare myself to another, what I have to do, is to bring the Point back to Self – and to see in Common Sense: Why am I not Living this myself? Because Common Sense is that I AM NOT SEPARATE – and thus the experience and the following experience of being apart from this Point is indicating to me a Point of Self-Limitation – that I will not Accept within and as me. Furthermore there is within the comparison a desire to be/live the same right Here, right now – where I also have to Apply Common Sense for myself – and this is a Point of Self-Honest Self-Responsibility – because within this I Face – Directly – Who and what I have Accepted and Allowed myself to become.

Because the reason for me not Living these expressions as myself, is because I have not Allowed myself to – because I have allowed myself to exist within and as personality as ego and fear. One of the most significant Points in this, is also an experience of apathy and wanting to give up – in seeing myself far from this expression. However Here it is also cool to see a Being like my Agreement Partner, having followed his Process – knowing that he have Created himself in and as this Expression, that he has Applied himself Diligently to Bring himself to this Point of Expression – and that all it takes for me, is to do the same.
Then there is the Point that I am only able to Walk from where I am – meaning form the entirety of the accumulation of who and what I have Accepted myself to be, to which I cannot compare myself to someone else, and where I am required to Apply Common Sense Self-Honesty for myself and look at what is Practical for me in relation to where I am currently Standing. So – I can make an assessment. There are Points where I am effective, Points where I have been effective before and where I have to Re-Design myself to Walk from the beginning again and there are Points where I have so far not been effective.

The strongest Point from where I can expand to all the other Points, I see as being with regards to seeing Common Sense – However seeing Common Sense and NOT Directing Oneself accordingly – is Self-Deception and Self-Dishonesty and thus this is a Point where I am required to Push myself to Clear myself to Self-Honesty, so that I can Actually Trust myself to Walk this Process – so that there is not doubt that my writing and my Self-Forgiveness is Applied within a Starting-Point of Self-Honesty and Physicality. What I am doing at the Moment is Clearing myself in my Moment-to-Moment Starting-Point – This is necessary, only because I have allowed myself to Compromise myself – and thus even though I would prefer not having to do this, preferring to be able to Simply Live and Write Here Diligently in Self-Honesty, I have shown myself with my Actions – That the Practice Of Self-Direction, Overriding the Mind – is of utmost Importance. I have spoken about this in many of my previous posts: that I see that the most Important Application for me in the Moment, is to Focus on Breath and the Physical. However I have not Lived this into Practical Application and thus my writing has been useless and Self-Deceptive. Even these writings, I find, as I mentioned last night, that I easily tend to write because of a thought, literally a “force” outside, separate from me – a diluted illusion that I have come to believe, accept and protect as myself – is the Directive Principle. So with each Word I Write in Common Sense Self-Honesty, Exposing myself as who and what I have Accepted and Allowed myself to become – is a step towards taking Back the Directive Principle of and as me – (back chat saying: …which can be nothing more or nothing less than what is best for all, even more soft back chat says: …because that is what they want to hear)

Within a thought being the instigator of an action (such as this writing) the starting-point and “source” of Self in that Moment, is and can be nothing but Mind as personality of ego and fear as the manifestation of Self-Delusion. So I can look: What is the Starting-Point as Mind within this writing? (I experience resistance to expose this because it is a reoccurring pattern) – Getting the approval of those above me: god, parents, teachers and friends – obviously figures of made-up-reality. So one part of it, has been getting the approval, based on the acceptance of self as inferior – but within this is also, the belief in and acceptance of a Reality, where everything is measured by appearances – and where the Reality of Who I am, can “justifiably” and should remain private, secrete and self-interested.

Wow – this is definitely opening a can of worms that requires Resolve and exposure. Because if all “I am”- or who I present myself as, even to myself, is appearances and the Actuality and Self-Honesty of me, is a “secret inner world”, then everything I do and Participate in and as, will be Deceptive – and obviously: Self-Deceptive. I see that I can keep writing – and that at this Point what is Required is a re-commitment and foundation of my Resolve to Expose the Bullshit, Stop the Mind and Standing up. If I experience resistance for example, it is not because that resistance is real or that who I am is this resistance – it is because I am indicating to myself that I am at a point of Self-Honesty within Realizing myself as a Point, which I require to Stop, Let go of and Correct to What is Best for All.

I experience this writing as bullshit, with frustration and dissatisfaction that I am even required to write this – this is again exposing the point of having to Walk from and Stand Self-Responsible for what I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be and become. Also it indicates a Point of ego, where I would rather be something else, show myself as someone else – and thus within that Starting-Point, I am not What is Best for All – So I let go. And I give the required Focus and Dedication to Push All and Everything I am to Stop.
I am currently busy doing this within my Practical Reality in different ways. I am attending math classes which has been an amazing point, because it is one where I have rejected and inferiorized myself within and now I am taking back this Point, Embracing it as myself. Within this I have to Practice and Apply what we have learned. Last session I had not progressed very much, but I also had not practiced very much, so this week I have Pushed myself to Practice the lessons. At the moment we are learning multiplication, percentage, adding and subtraction (shame to admit this) – so I am starting over Here as well as in every other Point. This is a fascinating point, because I am Actually not ashamed that I am learning math, quite the contrary – I am very satisfied that I have taken up this point.

So the shame indicates a self-definition within ego, as also revealed in the previous points that have come up here – where I believe that I should be and desire to be more. With regards to my studies for school, I am not completely satisfied because I have not been reading diligently. For the exams I have been reading, but that again shows the point of only caring about the appearances – of making it – instead of Actually becoming what I study, embracing it as myself as well as utilizing it for What is Best for All. Alright – I am not gonna go into all of this more, because I am resisting to Apply Self-Forgiveness and what is Required is Directive action, not simply Sharing for the fun of it.

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resist applying self-forgiveness and thus resist myself, thus resist changing myself, correcting myself and standing up from within and as the mind, to stop the mind and stand up as Life

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept myself to resist applying self-forgiveness and thus resist myself, thus resist changing myself, correcting myself and standing up from within and as the mind, to stop the mind and stand up as Life

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself define myself according to and as “appearances” while existing within secret, as the secret mind of back-chat, ego and personality

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that all that mattered was my “appearances” and within this having applied myself only to score points for appearances, while actually not Changing or applying myself for Real

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be more concerned with appearances, how others see me, than to be Self-Honest and Stand Self-Responsible in Self-Trust and Self-Intimacy

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to walk a mind-process, which was walking as the mind continued and not walking a process at all

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in anger, regret, shame and guilt towards having misrepresented myself as walking process, while I was allowing myself to remain within and as enslaved to and as the mind

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resist letting go of myself as ego and personality

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to remain as ego and personality

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to distract myself and for being distracted for but a moment, where my Stand and Starting-Point is not what is Best for All here and is thus an acceptance of the Mind, of the System and of the world as it exists, as I exist – within and as Abuse, Suffering and Self-Deception

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that this process is impossible for me to Walk, when I have proven to myself that it is not – that I am in Fact Capable of Directing myself in and as Breath, in Self-Honesty, Common Sense and Self-Responsibility

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to blame myself and experience anger for having recreated points and patterns because I did not walk through them and corrected and stopped them unconditionally

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to diminish myself into oblivion and self-deception within and as having allowed myself to be possessed and directed by the mind as back-chat thoughts, emotions and reactions

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to place value in and focus on my individual process as something important and existing on its own, while in fact the individual process is a representation of the entire process and does not exist by itself – thus within this I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to perceive, define, see. Experience and accept the process of standing up, from within and as self-definition and acceptance of myself as personality and ego and fear
I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to allow everything that I have participated within and as been from a starting-point of self as personality and fear and ego

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resist and fear letting go of, stopping and correcting myself as ego and personality within the silent justification that without it, I have no value or worth, and not realize that the reason why I have had no value or worth, was because I had allowed myself to create and exist within ego and personality in the first place and that it is thus only by stopping myself as ego and personality that I can discover what real value and worth is – that I can discover who I am, without the mind as ego and personality

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to distrust myself within this writing, when the Physical is indicating to me that I am Pushing through a layer through and as an experience of tiredness and heaviness in the eyes as well as with the resistance and desire to do other things

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe and feel that I am worthless based on seeing myself as a failure in process – instead of realizing that I would experience myself as worthless and as a failure in no matter what I participate within, because that is how I have accepted myself to exist in the first place

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that something is real, only because I have felt it emotionally or because a thought says so

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to blame myself and experience frustration because I have to start over in Process

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience shame for having made process longer and more painful because I allowed myself to fall

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that the fall was the mistakes that I made, when in fact the fall was an actual fall, where I walked back into and as the mind and as a reaction to the mistake I made, deceived myself into hiding and self-suppression

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to distract myself and get distracted from writing this Self-Forgiveness – thus indicating to myself that I still allow the Resistance to direct me – thus still not willing to give up what I have accepted and allowed myself to become

(I also see here a point of time – because at the moment I see this self-forgiveness application being able to continue into infinity – I realize that this is because I allowed myself to apply self-forgiveness randomly rather than directed in specificity – which I am more than capable of doing, so I bring it back to the point at hand and I Trust myself to Walk through each point in specificity)

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to apply random self-forgiveness and thus not direct myself within specificity, actually in the moment releasing one point and thus establishing myself here in a firm resolve

I will go back through my writing and locate the core-point and also here is a re-breather to myself about being very specific within my self-forgiveness application.

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept the status quo of and as who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to become

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deceive myself into believing and making it appear as though I was applying myself fully, when in fact I was not as indicated by the use of words such as “when I am here” and “when I am in the mind”

I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to make an ABSOLUTE CLEAR STAND within myself – that I AM Walking this Process, no matter what, unconditionally and in Absoluteness and that I do not Accept any form of Diversion or wavering within myself

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to compromise and prolong process through having Allowed myself to deceive and dilute myself into and as the Mind and within this not having Allowed myself to diligently and specifically Apply Self-Forgiveness, Common Sense, Breathing and Self-Honesty

I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Live in a Flow as the Physical and more specifically, I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Discipline myself to Stop the Mind with, through and as Breath and within each Breath Aligning myself Here in and as the Physical as What is Best for All

I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Trust myself to Simply do what is required to be done, Here in the Physical – within this I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to compromise myself and Process, through having Allowed myself to become and exist within and as self-dishonesty, self-deception, self-manipulation and self-abuse – not actually being Able to Trust myself

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to limit myself through and as the self-diminishment of and as myself within an as surrendering myself to the mind, to not change and to remain existing within and as personality of and as ego – within this I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to place self-responsibility of and as myself into and on the Mind, thus having accepted self-deception, self-abuse and self-dishonesty as the Directive Principle of and as me

I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Live and Express that which I am able and capable of Living and Expression and instead having accepted myself as self-diminishment within and as Abdicating myself to the Mind as ego, energy and personality

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience envy when my Partner shares how he moves and experiences himself

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience desires towards Living what my partner expresses that he is Living

I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Realize that the only reason that I do not Live that which is Expressed by and as my partner, is because I have Separated this expression from myself, separating myself from this expression and thus not Allowing myself to Live and Express myself as the expression of Self-Trust and Standing Firmly

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Separate myself from Self-Trust as myself, believing and accepting that I cannot Trust myself – thus within this I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to manipulate and deceive myself through and as the excuse and justification within and as the mind that I cannot trust myself, to remain within and as the mind as self-dishonesty and self-distrust

I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Trust myself to Care for and Work with what is required to be done within the Moment, Instead of Realizing and proving to myself that I am fully capable of caring for and working within what is required to be done within the moment

I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Push myself to be unconditionally and absolutely disciplined within my daily activities – which I am also fully capable of

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be unsatisfied with my participation and be angry with myself and within this having become occupied with the experience of dissatisfaction and anger, instead of simply correcting the points where I am not satisfied

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept back-chat as who I am

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to perceive, experience and accept back-chat as comfortable and safe and within that experience having justified not stopping back-chat

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience, perceive and accept that back-chat as thoughts is difficult to stop and within this experience having justified not stopping the back-chat

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to abdicate myself to back-chat

I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to push myself absolutely to remain within and as Breath in Every Moment

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to allow a thought of “oh no, I have written this, but I will not do this” to form within and as the Mind

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to react to the thought of “oh no, I have written this, but I will not do this” and perceive and accept it as a point of Self-dishonesty

THIS IS EXACTLY THE POINT – THE UNWILLINGNESS TO STAND ABSOLUTE – THIS ENDS HERE – I PUSH MYSELF TO STAND ABSOLUTE NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES – THIS IS NOT A COMMITMENT FROM ME TO BE APPROVED BY OTHERS – THIS IS A COMMITMENT FROM ME TO ME – TO STOP MYSELF AS THE MIND AND TO START MYSELF AS LIFE – THUS I PUSH MYSELF TO BREATHE MYSELF TO LIFE – IN EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY BREATH FROM HERE ON OUT – THERE IS NOT A SINGLE MOMENT THAT IS ACCEPTABLE TO BE OCCUPIED BY THE MIND

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