What does it mean to Walk and Live Self-Trust? What does it mean to Walk and Live Self-Support? What does it mean to love myself? What does it mean to be Self-Honest? What does it mean to Stand Alone? What does it mean to take Self-Responsibility?
I am Here to Support myself – I am Here to expose myself to myself. The last week or so has been quite intense – I experience it as if everything is flipped around, thrown up into the air. Lots of emotional/energetic reactions and I have experienced it as though my ground has moved away, my stance unbalanced, wavering and then a fall. I can specifically see it in my writings, that have not been consistent, that have been all over the place, I have experienced difficulty in locating the points that mattered, structuring myself within it – and most importantly: I have not been Supporting myself. There are so many points coming up, that I want to rip apart, dislocate, tearing veils of – and it has not been effective. And so I have looped again, instead of stopping up asking: What is going on here? It is fascinating because as we take more self-responsibility, as we Allow ourselves to be Self-Honest, more points of Self-Dishonesty and Self-Deception will be seen – and there it is important to Support oneself. This is what I have experienced – that if I, in that moment, do not forgive and Support myself to let go of these points, I have gone into hiding, suppression, self-judgment and self-abuse. There are lots of points in regards to Viktor where I experience myself as hanging in the air, being unclear as to where to go from here. I am currently studying for my exam and will be done with that in a week. I have not been diligent within reading, and I have made the excuse for myself that Desteni is more important, that my Participation online is more important – and I see how I have shifted one excuse for seeking energy to another.
I see how I have Participated from a state of morality, in which I saw myself “doing the right thing” and I have realized that “doing the right thing” is something I have been doing because it made me feel good – again Energy. I am going to now Here, Allow myself to write it all out, because I experience myself as filled up – “I’ve had enough” –sort of experience. The two things that is influencing me the most is Viktor and the Agreement and where we are going with that and then how I see myself within this Process – I have found a cool way for myself how to deal with the point of comparison as a trigger for me going into a energetic possession, but I have also led one moment slip and in that, I twirled into the possession again. I have considered that comparison is the trigger, but it must inevitably be coming from a point of allowed competition and mixed into this, is also regret. In this I have Allowed myself to Separate myself – that is the basis for these points even being influencing me and me accepting them as real.
I Pushed myself to look at the World as me – Everything I see is myself – then there is no possible room for these experiences, because they are directly related to being in Separation, to there being others and within the separation, I feared losing myself and therefore invented survival. Okay – back to the basics here: Physically I have also experienced a lot of reactions, after I read an email and post from Viktor, I immediately experienced headache. I have experienced pain in my left arm and wrist (control and inferiority), weird heat experiences in my right hand and foot (self-victimization and self-doubt), a point of itching on my right pinky (perception) and the specifically, which I have ignored: coughing and trouble breathing (not focusing on Self-Support and Self-Love). I see within this a test of my Self-Support and Self-Honesty and within this I see that Self-Support is not something that I can simply expect of myself, because I said so. And especially as more and more points open up; it is important to have this as the Solid Foundation of my Stand. So these are the two prominent points at the moment: The Agreement towards which I experience myself unclear (will investigate this in a moment) and the perception of myself in Process (self-defeat, self-dishonesty, self-limitation, self-sabotage and ideals of self).
As I was looking at this sentence of being unclear in regards to the Agreement, what I saw was that this is not so – that the experience of being unclear is a smoke screen, a point of hiding, so that I do not have to Face myself within it. What is fascinating, the point I perceived as unclear, is that it is multi-dimensional – I see many points and I perceived them as unclear. I had a cool chat with Maya where she asked me to look at it in Self-Honesty – that means taking a view that is not Personal, not reacting, that Considers what is Best for All. I see Points of Self-Dishonesty within me both in relation to having wanted the Agreement to “do something” for me – but also in relation to Accepting both Viktor’s and my experiences as Real. And so, if I validate Viktor’s experience or perception of me as Real, it can just as easily be the other way around – that it is Viktor’s who is validating my perception of myself – and in this, showing me how I have Accepted and Allowed myself to define myself as limited, not good enough, behind in my process – and what is fascinating, is that this is the Point where I have looped – Believing that I should be better, do better, do more and then trying to, through Energy and in this in a way “leaving” myself “behind” – Because I can only Support myself Here. I can only work with what is Here, whatever it is that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Exist in and as and ask myself: Where is it that I am limiting myself? The prominent points of possession, in which I have Allowed myself to limit myself has been the Point of doubting myself in this Process (excuse and self-dishonesty) through Comparing myself to those I see is effective. I have also found a Practical Self-Support of how to Stop this Point in the Moment – but somewhere, I either as I said, did not Apply this – or there is something else within this Point, where I require myself to investigate further in Self-Honesty. Because I see that behind Comparison is Competition and behind Competition is Separation – It cannot be any other way.
So how I see it in this Moment, is that as long as I Allow myself to believe, experience, define and Accept myself as Separate, I will keep Competing (as personality and ego as manifested self-separation) and from there automatically go into Comparison. So the question is whether or not this technique of Self-Support is sufficient or whether it requires more work. See – I understand with knowledge that I am not Separate. That we are One – and in that, I do not have to fear or fight anyone – because – lol – we are on the same side. But how do I get from this knowledge to Actually Living Amalgamation? I have had a lot easier time ‘Seeing’ it with inanimate objects, animals and the world as a whole – and more difficulty with people, especially in Relationships. I also understand that my personal process is not about me personally, because as such I do not exist – the purpose of me, is thus to Amalgamate myself, through removing the layers of Separation that is manifested as “who I am” as personality, memories, knowledge, emotions, Energy – as holding onto the fight to survive as Separate. I experience often frustration towards “knowing” this and then Practically experiencing myself as “so far” from “it” – and specifically in having already “given” that Point “away” – through fear and desires. I can however see that it is not through philosophical excursions into “the meaning of life” that I am going to do this. On the contrary – it is through Practical, Humble Application of the tools that are Here with me, as me – writing, forgiving myself, Breathing, Stopping the reactions and points of Separation in the Moment of Breath – YES – this is it. The least Supportive for me, is to react and then judge myself for reacting, or see my self-accepted limitation and then judge myself for limiting myself. These Points do not even require further Realizations, except for those that are done in the Moment, Immediately Seeing and Correcting accordingly.
So: I am currently to Focus on my exam – which I have Resisted of two reasons: feeling uncomfortable in the situation of “doing nothing”, “sitting still” and the experience of feeling inferior to the material, not understanding or obtaining what I am reading. Because when I sit there and read, there is nothing else, no one to be, no energy, no points of distraction – fascinatingly enough – it is simply me, Breathing, Moving myself, my eyes across the page. This is where I will Push. The other Point is the Self-Support – I have already Pushed myself to write everyday and this is simply a matter of Directing myself within the Moment of initiating a writing. This platform is the most Supportive tool of all – that and Breathing and Self-Forgiveness. What I have been experiencing – which is what I see as the reason of my experience of unclarity and being all over the place in my writings, is that I again got possessed with the Point of Comparison – did not sort it out in the Moment – and with a self-definition of myself in this Process – from having focused on “being seen” and “validated” to “doing the right thing” – which is basically the same. Because as I only Focused on me, on Supporting me, on Sorting me out, I was effective within my writing and I enjoy very much the Structure of it – Structuring myself and laying myself out Here I am Realizing that I Realized a Point of Self-Dishonesty and immediately took it personally and judged and then Suppressed myself – instead of looking at it in Self-Honesty and Correcting myself. Because this is the Point: It is not Actually Who I Am – It is Who I have Accepted myself to be, through creating all kinds of smoke-screens and Self-Deceptions – The Power of Creation. So this is the Point: Structure as Self-Support – Self-Forgiveness as Self-Support – but Specifically and I say this again: Slowing myself down, keeping it Simple. This is what I see that I have to do for myself. With regards to the Agreement, there is this Point of multiple facets and aspects. If I look at it from a Perspective of us having Allowed Ourselves to Exist as Systems, and me and Viktor together as Systems, as Life, as One, coming together in a Point of Absolute Separation – The Relationship – to Amalgamate Ourselves Here – what I See is this: The Agreement can definitely be Effective. We have already proved that. In Viktor wanting to end the Agreement however, I was also Faced with Points of my own: Specifically in fearing; what do I do now? In terms of the future. So I see that the emotional dependency is not the primary point any more – I am Actually very cool with Walking for myself. But – the Point of the future and how to Place myself – I have made dependent on the Agreement. Or rather, I saw myself being able to do this in the Agreement and did not see myself able to do it by myself. This is definitely a cool Point to be Face with – because surely that is not the Point of an Agreement. I also see that Viktor and I still have different definitions of the Agreement, both in terms of relationship beliefs that we have not yet sorted out and how we have defined the point of Walking an Agreement for Ourselves. There is another Point that I see have fucked with me, where I have fucked with myself – and that is specifically in seeing Viktor as Superior, as being more effective within his Process – and I see in Viktor’s words that he experiences the same. But this is not Real – and through both of us experiencing, believing and allowing it to be real, we make it so. I see how I have doubted myself in a definition of myself as being “always reacting”, “not stable” and specifically seeing Viktor as “stable”, “in Breath” – and I have several times suddenly Realized that obviously Viktor equally still exists as a System – why else would he react? Why else would he resist? And I see, this is very much tied to my desires towards relationships, that he should be “honorable” and “100 % Honest” the whole time, as though only by him Standing at this Point, can I let go and Allow myself to be Supported. So when there has been a Point of seeing Viktor fucking with himself, I have doubted myself within it and been wavering on how to Support him, in the belief that “It is probably just me”. There is no doubt that the chat with Lindsey and Joe sparked a lot of this, but fascinatingly enough, we did not open up this Point – that speaking about this and Facing Ourselves within this – that we are not experiencing ourselves as we see them experiencing themselves; Trusting, supporting, having fun together. And I see that this Specifically in Viktor sparked a desire to end the Agreement. What is cool is that it does not Really Matter – But I see that it would be stupid to end it on unclear grounds – Because it is Actually Possible – We can Actually be effective – but some changes are then required, which is cool. Another Point I also saw within me, was this shame and embarrassment – and in this I started doubting myself – and seeing Viktor wanting to end the Agreement as a proof that I am not good enough. But this is bullshit – because there is no doubt within me that I am Moving myself – I am Facing Points that I have never Faced before and al though I might not be Walking through them as fast as I’d like to – There is Movement. So – All I can do is Direct myself in Self-Honesty and Humbleness. I have definitely learned a lot about Agreements so far and can see how much Dedication they require. So this is cool. I Realize in this writing, that I am writing as a reply to Viktor’s post about ending the Agreement and that I have wanted many times, where he has written about me, to explain and defend myself. I see in this, a fear of what others think of me – and feeling of being unjustly portrayed – and this is again a Moment, where I have to bring it back to Simplicity and Self-Support. This is a Point that I have Faced many times – the Point of running from myself, of wanting to be more and better than Who I am Here – in this implying self-judgment and unwillingness to Face and take Self-Responsibility – this is my Point of Stability. That I am Here to Support myself no matter what – I want to say that it does not matter what anyone says about me, but I see that this is a point of Self-Dishonesty, of wanting to make myself feel better – so instead I’ll say that Self-Honesty is Self-Honesty and it cannot be pampered with. If someone judges me and I Accept their judgment, I am equally Responsible for it – and is Actually quite stupid, because I know that judgment is always Self-Judgment. Wow – went into a point of Self-Judgment there again. Shit – lol – Okay: Self-Support – I am Here. I am not Separate from Viktor – I am not Separate from anyone. I am One. I am Sound. I am Whole. I do not Accept myself to not Support myself, because in this, I am tacitly Accepting the World and myself to continue as is. And this I will not – so whatever is required for me to Amalgamate myself – is what I will do. Right now it is 1.20 and I experience Resistance towards Applying Self-Forgiveness and continuing writing. I see the excuse of going to bed – but I am not Actually tired – so I don’t. I also see that the main point of experience currently is experiences towards Viktor. And I experience Resistance to reveal them, partly because I want to hold onto them, want them to be right and partly because I am ashamed of having had these experiences. Oh – I also just realized the desire to be “better than Viktor” in seeing his writings as Self-Deceptive and Self-Righteous not Considering me as an Equal – and so – fuck – I strike back by “being a better person”. The bottom line is that I see that Viktor is much more effective than me – at the same time I see points of Self-Dishonesty Equal in him as in me, but I do not see him Realizing this. And perhaps it is the same for me – that is just fucked up – and it makes me not wanting to be in the Agreement – I experience a lot
of resentment towards Viktor – That he is abusive, lying and dishonest and that he is using his apparent “stand” as a way to get the control that he experience he has lost to me. I experience him as unfair as well. And I see in several of these points, how they are projected Self-Judgment – because I have Realized that I have done this: been Standing “fake” in my writings and thus been lying and dishonest. The only point of secrecy I have seen within myself is the Point of still smoking. Other than that I experience that I have been willing to share, open and expose Everything. I experience shame that Viktor and I have been fighting each other and I experience doubt towards myself with regards to the Points I see as Self-Dishonesty in Viktor – because of this definition of him being “more effective” and thus he should be able to see this, if it was there and I am vice versa not to be trusted with what I see, because I am “behind”. So there is a Self-Revelation of me not Trusting me – at all – in this, that I see as being quite relevant to this whole Point. I still want to hold onto the resentment towards Viktor – and I also want to let it go. What I experience is that if I let this resentment go, I will Allow him to fuck around and be self-dishonest, primarily because I don’t experience myself as Absolutely Directive towards these Points. If I ask Viktor if he is reacting for example and he says “no” I experience that I am forced to believe him because “he knows better” and thus my Self-Honesty is compromised, because I cannot Trust what I see either way. My Self-Honesty also shouldn’t be dependent on another’s Self-Honesty. But that leaves me with the question of what to do, when someone fucks around and refuse to see it or correct it – this is the Point I have stood before many times and not yet Walked through – Standing Absolutely Firm on what I will Allow and What I will not Allow. And obviously, if I experience reactions, take things personally or perceive Viktor from within and as the Mind – I cannot, and should not Trust what I see. Is it relevant? Yes and No – but at the Moment, the most important is not whether or not Viktor is fucking around – that is blame, a smoke screen and Abdication of Self-Direction and Self-Responsibility. Bringing it back to Self. I Actually experience myself as more Clear, now that I have written it out. The next Point I’d like to sort out, is how to Face Viktor. Usually we Skype every night and Viktor will call me – I have had no desire to speak with him today and he has also not called me – so there we are – no communication – that is fucked up. I have not wanted to because I was reacting and so all that I would bring would be the reaction, the resentment. So How will I Direct myself, Self-Honestly, Humbly, According to What is Best for All when I communicate with Viktor? The only thing I see is to not focus on him – to stop my reactions in the Moment and here in this writing and to not focus on showing him what he is doing. Thus I will Share myself openly, the Points I have seen in myself, how I see we are and can be effective in the Agreement , How I see that I am Limiting myself. Okay – time for Self-Forgiveness. What are the Points to Forgive Here? I tested through a list of possible Points to find the primary Point for me to Apply Self-Forgiveness on and to my surprise the Point that tested out was “distracting myself” – which is not something I see as a primary point at all, because it is an Action, a doing – however there are definitely Points within doing that of relevance to look at.
Self-Forgiveness – Distracting myself
1. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately distract myself when Facing a Point, through going online and checking for mails or other points that I within that point have justified for myself as “acceptable”
2. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to justify distracting myself from Facing a Point through going online and checking for mails or other points
3. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Distract myself from Facing myself in Self-Honesty
4. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to use Distraction as a way of Suppressing myself and avoid Facing the Point Straight on
5. I Forgive myself that I, through having Accepted and Allowed myself to Distract myself, have become less effective and thus missed Points in the Moment of Self-Realization and Self-Intimacy that I could have opened up and Walked through immediately
6. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to use the internet and TV series as a Distraction from Facing myself and from studying
7. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself having justified within me Distracting myself from Facing myself Directly in Self-Honesty, through accepting myself as “not able” to Face the Point in the Moment
8. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself to Distract myself
9. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Push myself to remain in the Moment when a Point opens up and Walk it through to Correction
10. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Realize that Distracting myself is Self-Sabotage and Self-Abuse
11. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Abuse and Sabotage myself through Allowing myself to Distract myself
12. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to suppress myself through Distracting myself, thus having Allowed myself to prolong my Process as well as time-loop in Points that I could have Walked through effectively within the Moment of Realization
13. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to judge myself for having Distracted myself, which is another evasive tactic of not Facing myself in Self-Honesty and Correcting myself Immediately
14. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Deceive myself into believing and experiencing that what I am doing is not Distracting myself, but that what I do is either required or needed
15. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Deceive myself into believing that I need to watch TV series to relax and bring myself back to Breath
16. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that watching TV series is always a Distraction, when what matters is me Directing myself in Self-Honesty
17. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Distract myself when I Face a Point of Fear or uncomfortability or where I have Allowed myself to be dishonest, instead of Facing myself Directly and Correcting the Point through Self-Forgiveness and Practicality
18. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to justify for myself that it is okay to be distracted
19. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Participate within and as, and follow thoughts of Distraction that come up right in the moment of Self-Realization or Self-Intimacy
20. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Stop myself from distracting myself
21. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Structure my day effectively, and instead having justified this with that the lack of structure that I have is effective
- I Push through Points of Distraction and I Notice what the Point is in the Moment the thought comes up of wanting to do something else than what I am doing
- I Focus on Being Here – Diligently, Self-Honestly and Specifically
- I Structure my day Practically and effectively
- I do not Allow myself to Distract myself
- I Breathe