Yesterday I listened to an interview on You Tube by Sunette from Desteni. It is called “Shutter Island – the Death of Fear” – and it placed many points into Perspective. The main point that I saw within it, was the point of the refusal to Stand up and take Self-Responsibility – within the fear of letting go of ‘self as ego/mind’ and within fear in general. In this interview Sunette mentions the point of ‘Seeing’ that occur, where one has a window of an opportunity within a Moment’s Self-Realization to Change and that if One does not, One will time-loop and manifest points of experience that will ‘lead’ One back to the same point of Facing Oneself and Transcending Fear and Ego/Mind – this is obviously something we are doing Ourselves, and not something that ‘happens to us’ in any spiritual or magical sort of way. She also mentions how everyone has One Point that One ‘uses’ to hold Oneself onto the Mind in Fear of loss and thus as the Point also, that we love the most. I have been looking at this for myself extensively and when I listened to the interview, I looked at the cigarettes thinking: “am I having a moment of Realization?” – Then I continued smoking. I have decided for myself that I will quit once my exams are done, which will be in approximately two weeks. I can see that I have created a ‘common-sense’ Justification for myself based on the fear of stopping as well as the expectation/belief/fear/excuse that I will ‘become emotional’ once I stop and thus that it is best to wait after the exams. Now – today I have experienced guilt towards this point and it has accumulated to the point, where I was reading a blog post from another Desteni member, who wrote about Self-Trust and Self-Responsibility. I was eating at the same time and the thought of “Oh no, I allowed myself to ‘miss’ the Moment AGAIN” – popped up and right that instant I bit my lip so hard. It is fascinating because I saw within that the saying: “Bite your tongue!” that parents say to children when they’ve said something that they were not allowed to say. How I see this, is a reversed form of Self-Support, where I am showing myself a point of Self-Deception wherein I am ‘not allowed to say that’ – showing myself the point within myself where I am holding on.

I have written before about this point of ‘what I love the most’ and ‘fear the most’ as well as the point of ‘revenge of the ego’ (this is referring to an interview with Bernard Poolman called “The Revenge of Ego”) – where I have seen the point of smoking not as THE Point itself, but as a ‘gate-keeper’, wherein I have kept myself from even ‘getting to the point’. THE Point as I am seeing it so far, is a Point of existing without Energy, in ‘Darkness’ as I experience it, undefined, unbound, un-stimulated, Allowing myself to Die as the Mind (Self-Believed Self-Protection and Survival through Separation within and as the Mind as ego/personality/energy). Stopping smoking last year, was the first step I took towards that point and after that I Pushed through with several other Points of Physical Support. But what I am also seeing is that even though I experienced this as though it was Solely me doing it, for me – for the first time, there were others involved in taking the steps required. Matti asked in one moment if it was now we should quit smoking and then I decided, Bernard talked to me about it not being Supportive to start smoking again when I did, and so I quit. Over the last year, I have quit smoking maybe 10 times and obviously each time it gets harder and the process is unnecessary. Each time it has been with someone else (either directly or within the mind) as the starting-point impulse. And this time – I have to do it on my own. I also see – that if it is in deed this point of Existing without Energy/for Stimulation that is my ‘ultimate challenge’ – then I cannot do what I did the last time, both because it was to a great extend Bernard who Assisted me and because such steps cannot be duplicated or they are not Self Directing Self Here Then I have looked at how this would otherwise ‘occur’ if I were not to Direct it myself. The only way I can see is physically dying or being left somehow in the Darkness of my own Mind crippled in some way. Obviously neither of these is necessary if I Walk through this on my own, Self-Directed in Self-Honesty. So I am now looking at how to Walk through this.

What I can see is that obviously the first step again is to Stop smoking. This time there is no Matti, no Bernard, no Viktor and that is in itself a Step towards Standing Alone – and Standing Alone is in itself a part of or an essential point within this Point. Then I have been looking at ways to remove myself from stimulation: meditate, being placed in a sense-deprivation tank and specifically the point of doing things that I do not like to do and that do not provide me with any sense of stimulation or ‘reward’. This is what I have come up with so far: That I am not able to remove myself from stimulation and therefore I have to walk through it, while Participating and simply not being attached or addicted to these Points. This is specifically something where working on projects is Assisting. Within this I Trust myself, also because I have already Walked some of the way. This has also to do with specifically the Point I have seen myself become possessed by/as in and as the Point of Ego that has been one of the most prominent points of possession throughout my experiences – through the belief that I need others to ‘see me’ ‘feel me’ and all of this and in not Accepting and Appreciating myself, which is actually hiding the Addiction towards Energy and Stimulation that is the main point. I checked if there was a word or an emotion connected to this and the emotion that came up was fascinatingly enough “insubstantiality” – which both means “not solid”, “lacking strength” and “not Real” – to me it simply signified being undefined, no borders, no limits, timeless, darkness, the unknown.

And I can specifically see within this how the cigarettes have ‘served’ as ‘grounding’, ‘binding’, ‘solid’, ‘control’ – exactly as the ‘gatekeeper’ through which I have kept this point of ‘infinity’ at bay. What happens when I have stopped smoking and which have made me start again, has not been the point of Suppressed emotions coming up – at least not the main point. However the point of experiencing myself as ‘free floating’, ‘boundless’ and specifically the point of not ever again receiving any form of ‘reward’ in terms of Energy was what ‘tipped me over’ – This was my Moment of Fall. And I see how it has taken me long to admit this, because I, through this Compromise, spiraled back into the Mind/Ego – it is fascinating, because I have been laying the Osho Zen tarot cards a lot recently and there are several cards that keep coming up: “travelling”, “courage”, “patience” and then the card of “Trust” which has been my favorite card in terms of the image. It is an image of a child that falls into the unknown in Trust – which is interesting, because this is the Main Point within this – not Allowing myself to Trust myself, having used the cigarettes as an anchor to hold myself in the Past – so it is like the cigarettes is the physical-manifestation or symbol of this point as a ‘door’ that I have to Walk through and the next step is Walking into the Darkness in Self-Trust. The card being ‘a favorite’ meaning that it ‘stuck out’ as a Desire/Denial Point. The Point which I see that I am Walking Simultaneously with Walking through this point of Fear is this Point of Self-Trust. This means Standing Alone in All aspects of that – Today I also noticed how I still depend on others to either guide me or stand as the ‘bad omens’ – Actually the point of Self-Doubt and within this Accepting/Defining/Limiting Self as Ego and Personality Only. Because if I require someone else to tell me ‘who I am’ or ‘where I am’ – then ‘who’ am I?

So: What I Will do, is that I will Place myself within a Process of Discipline and ‘Boredom’ – meaning specifically Participate within Points wherein there is no ‘gratification’ – I then have to be very Careful to not Create these points of ‘gratification’ all over again – it seems necessary, but it might not be. The points I have un-covered so far are: reading, specifically reading for classes and school and within this also reading about the System, specifically about the Money-System, which is something I have experienced much Resistance towards. Then I have also decided to take a math-class and read math-books to finally Push through this Fear of math and money (an interesting side note is that I have recently been writing “money” every time I was to write “moment”, like every moment is money as time, the opportunity to buy or sell energy, to buy or sell attention, self.) Then another point which I have specifically had resistance towards Participating within is the Sub4Sub – this is specifically within the same point of not receiving any ‘gratification’, ‘energy’ or ‘reward’ on a ‘personal level’ – these are points that I do, specifically to ‘serve’ what is Best for All – so it is important not to get caught up in the ‘heroic’ of this, which I can see that I have had a tendency to do. Another point is the point of how or from where I Participate – my desire to be a part of politics has been  a desire to be seen, to be up front, where the action is – this is not Practical or Best For All – so unless a Point opens up, wherein I see and others see that this is something I would be effective within, I am simply going to ‘Breathe my own Process’ – I was going to write ‘Mind my own business’ – but that right there is so totally not cool. I will continue Participating within what I am already doing and effective at – but not focus on Placing myself in front, unless it is required/practical or necessary – at least until I am completely Stable within Walking Here in Breath – Standing Alone. I experience a resistance to writing out these points of Self-Correction because “what if I don’t do it?” and “Now I got myself by the hook” – but this is exactly what is required – the first is a point of Self-Trust wherein I Place my Self-Will in front of me and Walk in Common Sense within what I see is Practical and effective. The next is a back-door escape – well they both are and they are both a point regarding backdoors and Self-Trust. Besides this, I Focus on Supporting others, which is a point that is already quite effective and as I become more Specific within Self-Support, this too will be effective. I am going to Allow myself to finish this period of exams though – because after that I will again have stability in the form of regular classes and not as much reading and I am also looking into getting a job, specifically to Support Desteni and the Desteni ‘I’ and Equal Money Process – At the moment my finances are not all that great and so I am not able to donate very much. I also see that I require of myself to Participate more actively within the recruiting and promotion so that I can recruit more people. This is a fascinating point, because I experience fear and resistance towards ‘promoting myself’ as a recruiter. Why? It is two points of Self-Trust, wherein I 1) have not been Trusting that I AM WALKING THIS PROCESS, which is what I am currently in the Process of re-establishing myself within and as and 2) that I feel uncomfortable ‘selling myself’ – there is something morally forbidden within me in doing that, I feel that I am cheating people and I can see how this is a point of morality towards the point of “The Desteni Product” wherein several people have made accusations towards Desteni of being “money-robbing”. What is so fascinating is that this is not even something I feel or believe in any way what so ever, but  I have been resistant towards others might feel that – that if I present myself as a “recruiter” I am first of All STANDING and second of all “Selling the product” – but this is bullshit, because I stand 100% behind what we are doing – so the point has got more to do with specifically placing myself in this position and Actually Trusting myself to do this. It is clear that I have Allowed myself to Compromise myself and thus I now have to re-gain and even in many cases, for the first time: Create Self-Trust – This Product: “The Desteni I Process” is the freaking most Valuable purchase a person can possibly make and I realized something fascinating just now: that promoting the Equal Money System is no problem, promoting the Desteni I Process is no problem – it is specifically about placing myself in this  – which is so freaking fascinating because the whole Point of the Ego that I have been possessed by has been about “self-promoting” –  but obviously from a ‘safe distance’ of Anything and Everything that is Real – that requires Real Change. LOL. This is about it.

There are some points of information that are relevant to bring into this: Osho Card: “Silence”  – Silence is something I have feared, Silence is something I have kept a bay, Silence as myself I have not yet stood One and Equal in and as. One of the main points that I have seen for myself within and towards the point of Silence, is that I have used the ‘chatter’ of the Mind as a self-defense-mechanism, splitting, separating, being loud, quick, moving as a way to avoid Facing myself Here – I see how it started when I was a small child, where I ‘took on the mind’ and split myself into and as it, to “cope” with my Reality – to not Exist as me Here undefined. So what I also see is that I have feared that if I Allow myself to Exist in and as Silence, I will not be able to defend myself against the World represented as other people and their judgment as Abuse – so it is obviously a ‘weapon’ against myself, against my own Self-Judgment, a self-abused/self-abuser point. Today I have Pushed myself to remain within and as Breath. I experience quite a difference between whether I believe that I am Here in Breath or whether I Actually am Here in Breath. What I also experience is that when I am Here in Breath, it is not necessarily a comfortable or pleasant experience, because I will then begin to “see” and “feel” the movements within me of energy and fear, that the Mind loudness was supposed to Suppress with its chatter. I specifically see how this point of Silence is a key-Point within Walking through this entire point and how it is not only about “being silent” within and as not Participating within and as The Mind – but also in “Living Silence” as myself – being Comfortable within and as Silence as myself – not requiring myself to “move” outside myself for entertainment, energy or stimulation.

There is also a Practical Point of not Speaking while I am in the company of others, where speaking has been my main way of dealing with other people, through speaking avoid any points of conflict or judgment with others. So this is most definitely about me Living Silence – Silence as Self-Intimacy and Self-Suffiency – in this is also the point of “insubstantiality” again, but I see how this specific word is a word of fear – because how can I be anything but “Substance”? Unless “I am” The Mind? – So Living Silence as myself I see as the Physical Process of this Point, and also a cool Point, wherein I am able to “measure” “where I am”. I have never Actually Lived Silence as myself – this will be a journey into the unknown and into Darkness. I have existed in and as “Noise” – as the Manifested Fear of myself. This is my Compromise, my demise, my disguise – always moving, loud, light, entertainment – Away, away, away – from Here – And Now – Here: I am Bringing myself back Here. To Allow myself to Stand as Silence, Naked, Vulnerable, Innocent, Undefined, Darkness. The way I am experiencing this Point at the Moment, is that this was inevitable – this was what it was all “leading up to” – And that I have layers of “Noise” to remove and cast off me, before I Return to Silence. I have existed as “Noise” – as Fear – Disguised as Entertainment, as Fun, As Work, As Survival, As “I must”, As “Life”, As “Living”, As “Who I am” – as Fear. I came from Fear and I Re-Turn to Fear to Remove The Fear that I have Allowed me to become.

I experience Fear in this Moment, that what I am writing is “too dramatic”, “too poetic” – but this point is exactly undefined, unexpressed, I have no words for it – only shadows. This requires an Actual Walking – Because otherwise I will “taint” the Point with “knowledge” and drama that will again turn into “Noise” and “light” instead of Silence and Darkness. Osho Card: “Inner Voice” – There is no inner voice that is valid – because when the Voice is One and Equal, there is no difference between inner and outer – it is Simply Expression Here. So how I see this Point is depicting the “Noise” as “inner voice” that I have come to believe is “who I am” – which is basically “blocking” me from Standing as Silence as Who I am Here – So: The Solution I see is to keep Re-Breathing myself in Stopping All Participation in and as “The inner Voice” – which Practically means Breathing, Slowing down, Writing, Applying Self-Forgiveness – and to Allow myself to Stop. I noticed today where I was with my study buddy how easy it has become for me to Participate within conversations with her and how I often experience that I “lose myself” within it, and instead of Stopping, Moving myself and remaining Here – I have been “fighting the battle” in the conversations – which is obviously NOT Common Sense. So when I communicate with others in this way (basically through and as fear) – it is also “The inner Voice” that is speaking. Thus this is an important step and point for me to take. To Allow myself to remain Silent within the presence of others. Today I noticed a Fear and I noticed how I would tend to remain in the same position, ignoring the fear instead of Moving, Facing, Changing – So I did. I got up and I saw how remaining within “position” in that Moment, was to Submit to the Fear, being paralyzed basically, while in front of the other (and myself) going on like “normal” – which is exactly how everyone exist and Participate within this World – Everything “seems normal” – everyone else “seems normal” – and so we keep ourselves locked up within the “inner worlds” and remain “in control” “on the outside” – until we cannot “hold it” anymore and Break Down. “The Inner Voice” is a defense-mechanism – it is Not Real – It is Not Who I am. So – I am Pushing myself to remain in and as the Physical.

Now it is time to Apply Self-Forgiveness on the Points I have written about Here – I Enjoy writing Self-Forgiveness very much, even though I sometimes experience frustration within it – but I also see now that returning to the Starting-Point of Self-Support is a completely different Starting-Point, because it is not about ‘showing’ myself to anyone. I DO ACTUALLY NOT HAVE TO PROVE ANYTHING!! WOW! MAYBE I CAN FINALLY RELAX! LOL – Something else that I have noticed is that maybe it is not Really the “insubstantial” I Fear – but that that Fear is covering up and hiding another Fear, which is Fear of The Physical as Myself – Much to Investigate Here…

Two days later

I have been aware that the most Important Point for me at the Moment is to Breathe – to remain within and as the rhythm of Breath and within that remain Here. I am starting to experience myself being more in the chest as Breathing, but I see also how I in moments will “check out” mainly based on excuses of any kind, but mostly based in Fear. I see how I have shaped ideas and beliefs about these writings, self-forgiveness, about myself within it – and I realize that I to quite an extend, still experience “me” as “me”  – Within this the most frequent reaction is that I will judge myself and “see bad omens” – it is quite interesting to have seen this point of bad omens, because after it came up, I have been seeing them everywhere, or more specifically Realized how I see them everywhere. My arm is itching, then I think “oh now I am suppressing a Point” or if I yawn it is “bad” – I see and experience myself as bad – Last night I did an Osho tarot session within myself and the Point that came up was Aloneness and then Morality as the Point that was “obscuring” this Point – So I checked and the morality was specifically towards myself, meaning “how I should or should not be” – Morality is about “right” and “wrong”, “good” and “bad” – and so I saw that I was still seeing my Participation, basically in everything that I Participate within and as, through this morality – so within my Participation with Desteni for example, I am not doing it because it is Best For All, but because it is “the right thing to do” and thus I feel equally “good” about myself and obviously vice versa. So I more or less decided that today I was gonna explore doing the bad thing. What was very cool was that I woke up, after 6 hours, saw the excuses and got up – finally! I Breathed – but there is still an element of it being “the right thing to do” and so within that I have trapped myself between Polarities – and what I Realize now is that because it is Polarity, it is impossible to be always good – which is actually what I have believed, that if I just Pushed myself hard enough, “cleansed” myself enough, I would be able to “be good” always – LOL – what a mother fucking Self-Deception that is – not Realizing that we are Equally Enslaving Ourselves to both sides of the Polarity – that Polarity is in fact One – an infinite spiraling mechanism of Enslavement – You Play Along or Jump in: you get caught. Okay so I got up – it was dark, that was cool, I enjoyed it. Fascinating to Realize that I enjoy being out of “my comfort zone”. I started reading for the exam which was cool, however I still experience it being a little difficult to “sit still” – to remain within what I am doing. This is what I have noticed being the primary point of thoughts that I have deliberately held onto: self-projection. Within the self-justified reasoning it is so that I can “manage my Reality” – which is Really about Control, which is really about the Fear of Being Here, of being Boundless, simply Breathing, Here – nothing more, nothing less. So after having read what I had decided to read, I got “busy” – and I decided to go to a school to find out if I can take math classes there. This became almost like a whole journey in itself, because it is not often that I go to the city center. I will not go into the details of those points here, other than saying that it was not possible for me to take math classes at the moment, so it looks like I either have to come up with money for it, or find some other way of learning math, for example through the internet.

This writing has become sort of chaotic because I have been writing it through-out Several days and Moments. I decided to not Post what I have written the last couple of days, because I have gone into an energetic state of writing for someone else and so I want to make sure that I am writing for myself – thus this has become one document about lots of Points, instead of it being about One Point. I also see that this is not Practical – it is not Practical that I rather than simply Stopping myself within and as this Point, have to not Participate and not publish my writings as a way of Stopping myself. On the other hand – it has been effective before, where I Pushed myself to write for me, until I was Clear and then could start Sharing again. I am Pushing myself to write everyday and I will post my writings and Push myself to Stop the Energetic Reaction… To be continued