Working on this Point with Viktor

Information to open up the Primary Point (Utilizing SRA/Muscle-Communication with Viktor):

  • “Communication Technique” – Unconscious Defense Mechanism
  • “Normal Dosage”– in relation to “Mushy” (How I saw my mother)
  • I would justify my mother’s abuse and accept it because otherwise I would ‘break her down’ and she was too sensitive
  • “Insolent” – Rude and too straight forward Impertinent (How I would justify and accept my mothers manipulation)
  • This is the defense-mechanism that I go into in Communicating with Viktor – believing I have no choice but to submit myself

I had the experience with my mother that I could not trust her words, that she would abuse me, manipulate me, deceive me and twist my words. I experienced that I had to interpret and find what she was actually saying, because she was not speaking directly, but in code. This is something that has come up extensively through out my relationship with my mother and in other relationships as well. I have basically believed that I cannot trust others, that they will use my words against me, keep secrets – this has been prominent towards all people, but specifically in relationships with boyfriends. Interesting because I wrote boy-fiends – and this is something that I have experienced towards Viktor. I was basically looking at how I have seen Viktor and realized that I had seen him as an enemy, as someone that was out to hurt me, that he would abuse me and in this I have feared him. And I can see how I have used this to keep up a wall between myself and Viktor and within myself as well and also as a backdoor and a defense-mechanism that I’ve held onto. Why this has then been creating conflict within me and towards Viktor, has been based on how I have developed a technique to deal with this point. I would either see my mom as sensitive and “mushy” and thus justify within me why I was not Standing up and through that I would believe and Accept that I was rude and ‘bad’ if I spoke up, if I did not allow it – and thus I Accepted this and accepted that I had to submit myself to my mother. Thus obviously in relationships and now with Viktor I have carried this whole pattern through where I would fear, expect, believe and accept that he would abuse, manipulate, deceive and keep secrets from me and within that believe, experience, and accept that I had to submit myself to it, because otherwise I will hurt his feelings and thus be ‘bad’.  It is fascinating to see both how this point has been created, but specifically and more importantly, how I have Directly Participated in re-creating it and upholding it. Something else that is fascinating as well, is that the ‘victimize’ point is ‘glowing’ like a beacon – because this is most certainly a point of self-victimization as well as it was for my mother. But there is also another interesting point in this, because through-out the day as I was focusing on and writing about this point and also as I was working on it with Viktor, I could not believe that this was the point – I believed that there must be more to it, signifying that I am ‘bad’. And what is fascinating is that this is the point as well of the reversed ego, and that I have held onto this self-definition in self-protection but clearly also as a point of manipulation, self-victimization and abdication of self- responsibility within always being able to blame and fear others, keeping them at a distance. So basically when Viktor writes about me or even talks to me, I will have a basic experience that ‘he is probably deceiving me’ and that ‘I have to decipher his words to find the abuse’. All of this is very closely connected to the point I wrote about yesterday, yet it is a specific pattern of it. And it was very cool to be able to Communicate with Viktor openly about this and work through the structure of the point.

Self-Forgiveness

1.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe, and for having held onto the belief that Viktor will Abuse me, deceive me, manipulate me and keep secrets to me

2.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe, experience, validate, justify and accept that I am able to be abused, deceived, manipulated and lied to by another, when in fact another can only abuse, deceive, manipulate and lie to me, if I Allow myself to submit myself to it

3.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to justify not opening myself up and not allowing myself to be vulnerable with Viktor, based on the belief, fear and acceptance that I will be abused by Viktor

4.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be abused, deceived and manipulated by my mother, thus having allowed myself to abuse, deceive and manipulate myself

5.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to justify having allowed myself to be abused, deceived, manipulated by my mother, based on the fear of hurting her, breaking her and thus being ‘a bad person’, ‘a bad daughter’

6.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear and believe that if I did not allow my mother to abuse, deceive and manipulate me and stand up, that I would hurt her feelings and thus be ‘a bad person’, ‘a bad daughter’

7.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to hate, resent and blame my mother for having abused, deceived and manipulated me, instead of Realizing that no one can abuse, deceive or manipulate me, if I have not already accepted and allowed myself to be abused, deceived and manipulated and thus if I have not already accepted abuse, deception and manipulation within and as myself

8.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that to be ‘a good person’ and ‘a good daughter’ I had to submit myself to the abuse, deception and manipulation of my mother

9.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Compromise and Suppress myself in order to see, define and experience myself as ‘a good daughter ’and ‘a good person’

10.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to see, define, experience and believe myself to be a victim of my mothers abuse, deception and manipulation, instead of taking Self-Responsibility for what I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Participate within and as and thus Standing up in Self-Honesty not Allowing Abuse anywhere in my Reality

11.   I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to let go of the fear of being abused and the belief that if I stand up to Abuse, I am not ‘a good person’ or ‘a good friend’ or ‘a good girlfriend’

12.   I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Stand up to and Not Allow Abuse in myself or anywhere in and as my Reality

13.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be Directed by and as the fear of not ‘being good’ and thus having Accepted and Allowed and Justified Abuse to exist in and as my Reality

Self-Corrective Statements

  • I do not Accept or Allow Abuse in and as my Reality
  • I Trust me to Direct me in Self-Honesty when Communicating with others
  • I Allow and Trust myself to Express myself Directly and Self-Directed  in Self-Honesty and according to What is Best For All
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