Whenever I am about to write about something towards which I experience Resistance, I will tend to go online and find ‘more important things to do’ – What I did last night as this was happening again, was that I Allowed myself to go online quickly and then every time bringing myself back Here to the Point I was Writing about. That was quite cool as a way of Self-Support saying; I” know I don’t wanna do this, so we take a break, but I am not letting myself off the hook”. Okay – so I have tested with muscle-communication the most prominent point for me to take on in this writing, because at the moment there are several Points ‘Accessible’ and I did not see one of them as the ‘Prime-Point’.

So – the main-Point is Ego and below that are two sub-points:

1.       Self-Definitions within Ego

2.       Reversed Ego

Let’s see: Reversed Ego is pertaining to Self-Diminishing, which I would not have Considered as ‘Ego’ – because it is Accepting Self as ‘Less than’, but as I have come to discover the Ego has in its Polarity Foundation, both high points and low points. And I have through-out my experiences, seen Superior Ego as Bad and Inferior Ego as ‘natural’ in some ways.

Then there is the point of Self-Definitions within Ego. These are points that I access through-out my day in specific ways, of both ‘high’ and ‘low’ connotations. My right hand is ‘burning’ by the way – there is a distinct burning sensation in the palm of my right hand. And I have the last few weeks experienced extensive pain in my neck, in the plug-in points as well as the lower neck, it is sore, tense. The palm point represents the emotion: “Victimize” and I have noticed how I, especially when I am doing work with my study-buddy will lay my entire right arm in front of me, as though it was lame, as though it is not functioning. I see that clearly as an indicator of ‘self-victimization’. The neck-point is represented by the emotion: “Hopeful”.  This one is not as clear to me. So I have to now open up these points. Where I see that I the most Participate within and from Ego, is in relation to myself as a ‘project’ – what I have written much about, where I will Participate in my Reality from a Perspective of ‘collecting points’ or ‘money’ for the ‘piggy bank’ that ‘is me’ – these points consist of Energy and attention from others, either validating me – so when someone says; “good job” or “cool points” or “well said” or whatever, I will experience a proud-ness within myself and also as if I have been thirsting excruciatingly for this. There is another experience which is where I will ‘see’ myself as ‘together’, ‘in control’, ‘getting it’ as a: “I’m on top of it all” sort of experience, which I experience as a ‘pulling together’, specifically something happens with my lips, my ‘a-where-ness’ is focused in the lips. Then there is another funny point which I have noticed and that is when I chew gum, especially on the street. This I have seen as being a heritage point from when gum was exotic and expensive and so only the ‘cool kids’ (aka: rich) would be able to chew gum. Through my childhood chewing gum was seen as a symbol of coolness and so sometimes, when I chew gum, I will get that experience of “I got it together.” Then there is another point that I’ve experienced quite extensively in relation to this “I got it together” sort of experience and that is when I am ‘doing the right thing’ according to my self-created moral-standards, which would be these writings, ratings, writing self-forgiveness and basically a lot of things that are Desteni-related. Within this is what I have come to call: ‘the Desteni soldier’ where I experience myself as ‘serious’ and ‘taking on the points’, but behind it is a surge of Energy. But it is not relevant that it is Desteni related, because I would have probably experience them with any other point of ‘success’, like when I was smoking weed it would be the ability to make the perfect joint or if it is at school, it can be when the teacher says that what I said was correct. The last one is actually something that has annoyed me and which I have experienced shame towards, but at the same time been completely obsessed about. What else? These are all the points of ‘collecting’ points to boost the self-definitions of and as ego. Then there are also the reversed ones, which is where I have ‘made myself small’ – The word “Raged” comes up and I do not see it in relation to this point, except for where I have deliberately ‘made myself small’ within the belief that I ‘have to’ and then blamed the world or someone else for ‘making me do it’ – this is something that I realized within the point I was writing about yesterday, wherein I’ve Abdicated myself to a belief/idea/moral code and then blamed it on the world or the person that I experience the submission towards. So I realize that the submission that I’ve allowed within myself, has been towards ideas/beliefs and moral-codes and not towards the Actual person or situation. And within this, I’ve ‘honored’ myself as a victim, been proud of being a victim and from there also and specifically have manipulated others. “I have made up this rule for myself and you are making me do this, so now you have to follow my rule and do as I say” – Fucked up really. I have also used this point of making myself small in relation to down-grading myself, to not piss other people off and risk being judged, rejected and abused. This is actually something through which I have Suppressed and Abused myself to a great extend. Wow – I experience now a sharp pain on the inside of my thigh, actually on the pelvic or buttocks bone, but on the inside, right next to the vagina. The emotion that this pain indicate is the word “reject” – and I can see how the fear of being rejected and the expectation of being rejected has been quite the factor in me developing this pattern of Self-Suppression and Submission. As a child I was quite Directive and I basically learned that I had to Compromise to avoid not being rejected, I had to be diplomatic and soothing and friendly and all of these ‘traits’ was something that I taught myself by watching others, specifically and directly so that I could become part of a group, so that I could have friends. I have also through out my childhood experienced myself as ‘a reject’ and then later having run and fought my way out of this self-definition, through ‘polishing my edges’ and becoming ‘a pleasant person’ – and I have cherished this ability in myself because I was finally able to interact with people – but it also meant that I had to Suppress myself in order to do so. Both these points are points of Survival – where one is meant for ‘upgrading’ and the other is meant for ‘downsizing’ , constantly and continuously to ‘remain in play’.

Self-Forgiveness

Deliberately Diminishing Self

1.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately diminish myself in order to fit into a group or in order to fit into a relationship with another person

2.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately diminish myself through making remarks about myself as being ‘weak’ or ‘flawed’ to compensate for what I believed to be ‘my big ego’ or the judgment of my Self-Expression as ‘too strong’, ‘too much’

3.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to make remarks about myself, wherein I deliberately diminished myself in order to be a part of a group or to be able to function within a relationship

4.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately diminish myself based on the belief that if I did not, I would be cast from the group or be rejected by the person I was in a relationship with

5.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately diminish myself to manipulate the group or the person to like me and not feel threatened by me

6.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately diminish myself to manipulate the person I was with to feel better about themselves

7.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately diminish myself through speaking down about myself, when another made a common about feeling ‘less than me’ such as: “well also have lots of flaws” or “I am not perfect either”

8.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that deliberately diminishing myself was the only way to have a functioning relationship with someone else

9.       I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Realize that by deliberately diminishing myself, I was Accepting that diminishment as myself and thereby ‘making it real’ for and as myself

10.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that the diminishment I deliberately made of myself, was real

11.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that the deliberate diminishment I made of myself was for the Best of All in the Relationship, when in fact it was either to soothe and satisfy my own fear of being rejected or to soothe or satisfy the other persons feeling of being inferior

12.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to satisfy and soothe the fear of being rejected by deliberately diminishing myself

13.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be Directed by fear of being rejected and alone

14.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe, experience and Accept myself as ‘less than’ the fear of being rejected and alone and thus not able to survive

15.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe, experience and Accept the fear of being rejected and alone as ‘more than me’

16.   I Forgive myself that I through having submitted myself to the fear of being rejected and alone, have Accepted and Allowed myself to Suppress and Diminish myself

17.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to create, manifest, accept and Participate within and as an automated pattern of deliberately and strategically diminishing myself in order to be Accepted by others to satisfy the fear of being rejected and alone

18.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to submit and subject myself to the automated pattern of deliberately and strategically diminishing myself in order to be Accepted by others to satisfy the fear of being rejected and alone

19.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that it was the world, the group, the system or the other person who was forcing me to diminish, suppress and compromise myself and thus blame them, instead of Realizing that I am Responsible for having Created, Manifested, Accepted and Participated within and as this pattern, through the fear of being rejected and alone

20.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to submit and subject myself to a System, where the only way to survive, is to Compromise, Submit, Subject and Suppress myself

21.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Create, Manifest, Accept and Participate within and as a System, where the only way to survive, is to Compromise, Submit, Subject and Suppress myself

22.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to submit, subject and suppress others to Diminish themselves  as I subjected, suppressed and diminished myself

23.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be proud of myself for submitting, subjecting, suppressing and diminishing myself for the group, the system, the world or the relationship

24.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to define, experience, believe, see, feel, justify, validate and accept Deliberately Diminishing myself as being ‘good’, as being ‘doing the right thing’ based on the experience of responses when I did that

25.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear  that if I do not diminish myself by for example complying with peoples bullshit or smiling to them when they smile to be or being diplomatic, they will rejected me and thus I will be alone and not able to survive

26.   I Forgive myself that I have not ever Accepted and Allowed myself to Realize how fucked up it is to believe and accept that I have to Diminish myself in order to exist and within this I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Dare to ask questions or to challenge this belief

27.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to justify deliberately diminishing myself to not hurt another’s feelings or ego and thus having allowed myself to be self-dishonest, dishonest and to participate within and accepting another’s feelings and ego as real

28.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear hurting another’s feelings or ego and within this having justified deliberately diminishing myself to make them feel better

29.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to participate within and accept myself to deliberately diminish myself to make another feel better about themselves to that they would not leave or reject me, as that would make me feel better about myself

30.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to equate “not hurting another’s” feelings as “being a good person” and “doing the right thing”

31.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to equate another’s feelings or ego being hurt with me “being a bad person” and “doing a bad thing”

32.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately diminish myself to make another feel good about themselves

33.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately manipulate another to feel inferior to me, so that I can feel superior and then when they do, compensate by presenting myself as inferior as well to ‘level’ and keep the relationship intact and functioning

34.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear that another would leave or reject me and that I would then be alone and thus having deliberately diminished myself to make them feel better and to feel superior, so that they would not leave me or reject me

35.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to submit and subject myself to the fear of being alone, to the fear of not surviving if I was alone and within this having validated, justified, believed, experienced and accepted myself to diminish and suppress myself for a relationship

Accepting Abuse out of fear of rejection

1.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be abused by both myself and another, based on the fear of being rejected and left alone and thus not able to Survive

2.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to justify, validate, honor and accept that myself to be abused within relationships

3.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I must allow myself to be abused in a relationship, because otherwise the other will not like me anymore and they will then reject and leave me and I will be alone

4.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to submit and subject myself to the fear of being alone and within this having justified, validated and accepted myself to be abused by myself and by another

5.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe, justify, validate and accept Abuse as ‘normal’ within relationships and that I within this have forced myself to accept the abuse, based on the Acceptance of myself as ‘less than’ the other in the relationship, based on the fear of being rejected and left and thus being alone

6.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to feel, experience, accept and convince myself that I must endure the abuse of another, because otherwise they will leave me

7.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that it is the other in the relationships, or the group, the system or the world who is forcing me to diminish myself and that is thus Abusing me, instead of Realizing that I have Accepted this as a base premise for and as myself and that thus I am Self-Responsible and thus have been self-diminishing and self-abusive and also abusing and diminishing the other through blaming them for abusing and diminishing me, when in fact it is I who have Accepted this as a base premise for the relationship in the first place

8.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Abuse myself through having abdicated and submitted and subjected myself to the fear of being rejected and left and thus left alone and not able to survive by another, thus having believed and accepted that I must submit myself to the other in order to keep the relationship going

9.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe, experience, validate, justify and accept myself as a victim of the person I am in a relationship with, the group, the system and the world, when in fact it is the fear of being rejected, of being alone and not surviving that I have made and accepted myself as a victim to

10.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to make, experience, justify, validate and accept myself as a victim of the fear of being rejected  by others

11.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe and fear  and accept that if I am rejected by another, by the group, by the system, by the world, I will be alone and thus not able to survive

12.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe and fear  and accept that if I am alone, I will not be able to survive

13.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe, justify, validate, experience and accept that another has a right to abuse me if we are in a relationship and that I should accept and submit myself to this abuse in order to keep the relationships going

14.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe, validate, experience, justify and accept that I must be in a relationship, a group or a system in order to survive

15.   I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Stand up in Self-Honesty and not Allow Abuse anywhere in my Reality and thus through this I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to validate, justify and accept Abuse in and as my Reality, in and as myself

16.   I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Stand Alone in Self-Honesty according to what is Best for All as One as Equal as Life

17.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself live and exist according to self-interest within and as the fear of not surviving and in and through this have Accepted and Allowed Abuse to continue

18.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to blame and hate another for Abusing me, through my belief, experience, validation, justification and Acceptance that I must submit and subject myself to Abuse in order to keep the relationship

19.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to make, create, manifest, believe, experience and accept myself as dependent on another in a relationship and within this having justified, validated and accepted myself to Abuse, Reject and Diminish myself

20.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to feel safe and secure as long as I was in a relationship, a group or a system that ‘took care of me’, instead of realizing that for me to do this, I had to diminish and suppress myself as well as abusing myself and allowing myself to be abused

21.   I Forgive myself that I within having Accepted fear of not surviving, and within that the belief and acceptance that I must suppress, diminish and subject myself to relationships, groups and systems, as a base premise of my existence,  have not ever Accepted and Allowed myself to Actually Live and Express myself Here as Life in Self-Honesty and Self-Love

22.   I Forgive myself that I have not ever Accepted and Allowed myself to Stop Abuse, towards me or towards another, based on the fear of being rejected and thus alone and thus not able to survive

Justifying Self-Suppression and Self-Submission

1.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to justify the belief that I must submit and sacrifice myself to and suppress myself within relationships with others

2.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to justify suppressing and submitting myself to another, to a relationship, to a group, without realizing that I was submitting and subjecting myself to fear of not surviving and to a system based on separation through survival, thus actually having to either fight others and/or myself to survive

3.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself justify abusing, sacrificing, suppressing and submitting myself to relationships, groups and systems based on having made, accepted, experienced and believed relationships and groups ‘more than’ me

4.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe, experience, justify, define, make and accept relationships and groups as ‘more than’ me, based on the fear that if I am rejected and left alone, I will not be able to survive

5.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe, experience, justify, define, make and accept myself as ‘less than’ relationships and groups based on the fear that if I am rejected  by others and left alone, I will not be able to survive and within this having justified subjecting myself to Abuse from myself and another as myself

6.       I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Realize that everyone has been equally enslaved to the system of survival through separation and thus that I have Equally Participated in validating, creating, accepting and upholding it, through having subjected and submitted myself to it and having accepted, validated, experienced, justified and believed it to be real

7.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience that ‘I am good’ when I have submitted, subjected and sacrificed myself for a relationship

8.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to see, experience, feel, design, validate, justify and accept self-sacrifice as a beautiful and honorable thing to do and thus having participated within and as justifying and upholding Abuse in and as this world

9.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to validate and justify within myself sacrificing, submitting, suppressing, abusing myself through the belief that I was doing it out of ‘love’ and ‘tolerance’ and ‘the goodness of my heart’

10.   I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Realize that I have deceived myself within having submitted myself to the fear of being rejected within the fear of being alone within the fear of not surviving as separation, instead of simply Realizing that I am not Separate, that I do not require to survive or to submit myself to relationships, groups or systems to exist and that I am Here, Equally as Life

11.   I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to take Self-Responsibility and to Live Self-Responsible within and as honoring myself in and as Self-Honesty and Self-Love in and as myself Here as Life in Every Moment of Every Breath

Self-Corrective Statements

1.       I do not Accept the Fear of being rejected by another as the base premise of my existence

2.       I do not Accept Fear as the Directive Principle of me

3.       I Direct me Here as Life In Self-Honesty

4.       I Stand Alone

5.       I do Not Accept and Allow Abuse in and as my World or my Reality

6.       I Allow myself to Consider and Act and Live According to what is Best for All in my Interaction with others

7.       I Trust me

8.       I take Responsibility for Who I am and what I Participate within and as in Every Moment of Every Breath – I Trust myself to Walk the Correction until it is Done

Further Self-Corrective Action

  • I flag for myself the point of speaking to or writing with someone, wherein I have previously ‘softened the blow’ – and instead I Allow myself to Trust myself to Support, Speak and Write Self-Honestly according to What is Best for All in that Moment
  • In Communicating with others I Focus on remaining Here in and as Breath as Self-Trust in Self-Honesty and Direct myself accordingly
  • If another experience themselves as hurt by what I am saying, I remind myself that this is not who they are as Life and that I do not Accept feelings, emotions or reactions as Real or Valid
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