Yesterday I made a Vlog wherein I Shared my decision to Live from and as Self-Love – Today, Obviously, I tested myself within and as that Application. What is cool about haven written and spoken this out, is that I got myself ‘by the hook’ – I cannot run from what I have said or written and thus I cannot run from the decision I have made to Walk from and to Self-Love as Self-Support. So what I am going to do now is to write out the current points that I experience as ‘limiting’ and as ‘a problem’ (the pattern) – to Walk myself to Self-Support. Firstly: I am experiencing difficulty with sleeping and it is something that has annoyed me quite a lot. I have also blamed and judged myself for not being able to sleep and so last night I Applied Self-Forgiveness on this in bed. Secondly: I still experience going into stress – an energetic experience of stress, rushing and fear in relation to time. From Sunettes Support videos, I have understood that the point of rushing, is a point of fear of loss towards that which One is rushing with. For me – this is specifically watching, rating, commenting, supporting, reading the Desteni Material and all its related branches. I experience that I do not have enough time and I do not understand how others can ‘find time’ to do it all. I do however know from my own experience and from others, that in Slowing down as Breath, it is possible to get more done. And thus my experience indicates that I am trying to move myself and be effective from a perspective of Energy and Mind. That is not working very well and this is a pattern that I have entered before and that is similar to other points that I have worked with lately of creating ‘problems’ instead of focusing on Solutions and Self-Support. So – I am Here as Self-Love to Support myself. The point of ‘not being able’ to sleep is directed related to this point of how I see that I am supposed to Participate in Process – I experience myself in an almost constant ‘state’ of alertness – and have in chats with Viktor called myself ‘A Desteni Soldier’ – meaning that my approach to my Participation will be that of a soldier, marching off to war – to kill or be killed, serious all the way through. Obviously within this starting-point I am still seeing my Participation from a perspective of it being ‘a problem’ that I ‘need to kill’ – and no matter how many videos I kill, there just keeps coming more. LOL – So the only ‘problem’ within this, is my Starting-Point. It is definitely not Self-Love. I see two important points to Consider Here: One being the point of ‘making a mountain’, where there is no mountain and the contrast of that of Accepting myself as ‘Not Able to’ as self-limitation – then there is how I have seen myself in relation to Desteni as ‘being able’ to ‘be in front’, ‘be responsible’ – and I can see how I have now turned that into this ‘Desteni Soldier’ in and as the Mind as Ego, expecting something of myself that is unrealistic and unpractical and from which I have Allowed myself to run instead of walk, with the starting-point as Energy instead of Self-Love and Self-Support. So: Time to Stop. The main-point for me through out these days has been to transform my Participation on the Internet from a starting-point of Self-Interest to a Starting-Point of what is Best for All – I am Correcting that, and so it is now the point of not actually turning this point into yet another point of Energy, yet from a different angle.
Word to assist with the point of not sleeping: “Late-comer”- having to ‘catch up’ with that which I believe I have ‘lost’ as time – “Ominous” – here defined as a bad omen which is the emotion connected to this word – Seeing that I have to ‘run’ to catch up with the others, that I have lost a part of the process, due to what I have ‘done’ the last year. What I see within all of this, is that I am still ‘running’ instead of Walking from partly a belief that I can catch up, a belief that I have to catch up, and also within that a specific way of seeing Process in a very limited time-frame. Seeing myself as having to be a “Commissioner”, a leader, a representative for Desteni and having ‘lost’ that shot – that place and now working like hell (literally) to be Accepted back into ‘place’ – and so, ironically, because this is all happening within and from the Mind, as fear, as ego, as Self-interest, in Separation – I have not Considered that my Participation is about ‘Who I am’ within what I do and not simply ‘What I do’. And I cannot become that ‘Who’ through ‘doing the right thing’ – Man I have tried – and never succeeded. I have already worked with this point in writing and through Self-Forgiveness, so this means that there is either more Dimensions to it or that I have simply not Walked the Correction. I can even see how I, in my writing have wanted to get it over and done with, to Publish it and show it to the World, and not focusing fully on Correcting myself in and as Self-Love. Okay – so this is the re-alignment I am doing now. Fascinating that I again experience Resistance towards this point. Okay – Here Pushing through.
So: the experience of ‘not being able’ to sleep as well as the energetic possession of ‘rushing’ is originating from this belief that I ‘must catch up’ with process, to not ‘fall behind’ and seeing this as a ‘bad omen’ within having believed that I am supposed to be a leader. I see that I have the abilities of being a leader, but that my current understanding of what this means, is limited within and as the bounds of ego – and so my Process, right Here – is to Align myself to Self-Direction – Ha – Leading myself. This is what I see as the guiding Principle of and as myself; Self-Love in and as Self-Direction. It is again as well a point of not going to either extreme of either allowing myself to make excuses for apparent limitation and at the same time being patient with myself. Here – I was just about to Allow myself to watch a movie, but I see that it is a distraction-tactic of suppression of ‘letting this point go’ as though it is now given Direction – but it is not. And who the fuck cares about movies anyway? It is simply a point of Self-Support and Self-Investigation that I can take on at any time. So – again: I Push myself to Specificity, specifically within finishing what I am doing through focusing on Who I am within what I am doing, Here – Stable, no deviation into side-tracks. “Nothingness” – means Here, remaining within the Stability of and as Breath, Focused, Stable, Here – doing what is required to be done in the moment, specifically, to the point. I Direct myself and I Trust myself to see when a Point is Clear and then I Walk and test myself. If my Application is Stable, cool – if not, I go back and Realign. Pinky and throat Itching: Suppressing a point of perception and expression – I perceive that I do not Trust myself, that I am not allowed to write that I Trust myself – that I am not Allowed to vlog that I am walking from and to Self-Love. It is all within the Starting-Point and I see how that I am Allowing myself to be Self-Honest and to Push for Brutal Self-Honesty in moments when I am not, is Assisting me to realign myself to Self-Trust. I see that I ‘miss’ points as well, specifically within behavior and patterns that I have taken for granted and automated myself within and as. Within and from the Starting-Point of and as Ego, will ‘always’ be the Starting-Point of ‘lack’, of ‘fighting’, of ‘separation’, of ‘survival’, thus through being Stable Here in Breath, through being Specific within what I am Participating within and as, through Living Self-Honesty as myself, I stop these points. What I see Here through this writing is the point of on the one side letting go of these points of having believed that I must catch up, and return to Process Here – for me as Life, as All as One as Equal to ‘bring myself back from the dead’ through Self-Love as a tool through which I by-pass and over-ride the Ego as ‘who and what’ I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be and become. On the other side, I require of myself to Actually let these points go in Actuality – through Living the Application. The flagging point for me, is when I have already gone into the energy of stress – on the Osho Card it says: “All private goals are neurotic – I am not Separate from the Whole, and there is no need to seek and search for any destiny on my own” – Fascinating, this is exactly what I have done. I have made Desteni my ‘private project’, a ‘personality project’ in which I must redeem myself from all the ‘bad’ I have believed myself to be. What is also fascinating, which I have mentioned before, and will confirm here again for myself, is that this whole pattern of ‘fighting’ myself ‘as a problem’ – is not new and did not only come ‘into play’ during the last year, where I confirmed my fuckedness for myself – on the contrary, it might well have been the exact starting-point of that. And I have validated the point of stressing for myself within and as a ‘superficial’ logic without investigating what was actually behind that logic: Mind, Personality, Holding on, Energy, Time, Fear and Ego. So back to the drawing board. I am quite satisfied with my Self-Forgiveness Application – I have prioritized it and I have become more and more specific within doing it, although I have also often gotten to a point of wanting to get it over and done with – so that is definitely a point to check. I am quite satisfied with my Correction of the internet point, yet it is still not completely Corrected. I am not so satisfied with my Application in Living Self-Love – this is something that is Completely new to me – to Live Self-Love as a Statement of myself in Walking this Process – so: LOL – I am patient with myself. What is fascinating is that I have always considered the energetic ‘high’s to be the positive and the energetic ‘lows’ to be the negative – but I realize that it is all the same and for example within this application of stressing, I am in a possessive state of an energetic High and through working from this point, generate even more ‘high energy’ and is actually Addicted to it. Ha – so that’s why I have not been willing to let this point go. I conned myself then and there, and I see now why I have kept Participating through these thoughts as beliefs – I was fucking generating energy through them. Which brings me back to Self-Support as Self-Love – because within that Application of Absolute Specificity, Self-Perfecting and Self-Honesty Here in Every Moment of Every Breath, there is no ‘room’ for energy – I Stop. Another dimension of Self-Love I Realize now, is that I Push for this Self-Love for and as All as One as Equal and that is another dimension of stopping Ego. Okay – Thanks!