Standing All-One and The End of Ego

Beginning with the point of headache, it has been increasing from when I woke up and is now quite intense. I also experience a connection between the headache and the pain in the shoulders. As I woke up this morning (pushing the point of sleeping 6 hours) I experienced myself depleted and I have seen this experience within me increasing over the last few weeks. An experience of feeling ‘tired’ and ‘used’. I will first find out what the headache is indicating and then see if the two experiences are connected.

Feeling: ‘Humanely’

Quite a fascinating word because it has polarity in it – in system words it means ‘dignity’, treating animals or other human beings humanely, but if I look at the implications of what being ‘human’ is, it is abuse. So humanely is a contradiction in itself, a deception in itself. Okay so this is a point of self-abuse, believing that I am ‘treating’ myself humanely, while I am actually abusing myself in the name of my own ‘humanity’ – it is about how I through being hard on myself from within and as the Mind, have believed that I am ‘doing the right thing’- specifically about how I see myself

Feeling: ‘Care’

I have defined care as something that either pertains to ‘giving attention’ such as ‘care about/recognize and ‘care’ as nourishment, nurturing. I see that I have not cared about myself in self-love, but have been constantly ‘walking’ from a perspective of ‘lack’ and ‘hardship’. I also see that I have defined self-abuse as care, which was placed into perspective when I told my mom about something I had experienced and she said; ‘oooooh, poor you’ – as in pitying me as care.

I see how I have adopted this version of care as self-pity, feeling sorry for self or being hard on self – thus a polarity, without actually caring for myself. I see how I am brutal around the physical, both my surroundings and myself as the physical. For example if I have as now the headache, I would either go into self-pity and feeling sorry for myself or immediately start blaming myself for experiencing the headache, as though something is wrong, I have done something ‘bad’ .

In the first scenario, I have then experienced myself as ‘weak’ and in this given myself permission to not Push myself, so for example use this point of a headache to ‘care’ by watching a movie, eating loads of candy and then feeling as though that is caring for myself. In the second scenario, I will feel more like a hero, but from a perspective of being burdened, carrying myself as a burden and being proud of the fact that I am hard on myself.

I specifically see this having played out in my childhood where I will tend to say that my mother was pitying me and pitying herself and the other scenario I have thus played out for myself to ‘get away from’ the self-pity application, because I saw the ‘weakness’ and self-deception and also manipulation within that. I can also see that it has only been through feeling sorry for myself that I have been able to allow myself to ‘let go’ and ‘relax’ within my idea about what that is, because of this idea that I must ‘work’, ‘fight’, ‘be tough’ to not become like my mother.

So I have virtually made it impossible for me to relax in any other way, thus generating self-pity and feeling sorry for myself as a balance point to the constant pushing. Yesterday I was in the supermarket, I felt depleted and sorry for myself (adjusting to sleeping 6 hours) and I instantly wanted sugar and a movie to ‘get through’ the experience, to ‘deal with’ the experience. So I see this very much being about me developing Self-Support methods to Care for myself and to Allow myself to relax and specifically to not use this pattern of self-pity vs. being tough as Self-Care.

Action Applied within this pattern: ‘Dim’

              adjective (dimmer, dimmest)

(of a light or illuminated object) not shining brightly or clearly. made difficult to see by darkness, shade, or distance. (of the eyes) not able to see clearly.

not clearly recalled or formulated in the mind: dim memories.

informal stupid; unintelligent.

              verb (dims, dimming, dimmed) make or become dim. North American dip (a vehicle’s headlights).

What I see within this is as I am having the experience, for example of a head-ache, my immediate response will not to be to see it for what it is and how I can support myself within it, but to see it and myself as a problem that I must ‘deal with’ – in this basically complying to the experience and then reacting energetically to it, either through self-judgment or self-pity or both. It is interesting that as I am opening up this point, it seems to be more about how I approach for example a point of experiencing a headache, rather than about the headache in itself, but the headache itself might still be a part of this pattern.

Emotion to the head-ache I am currently experiencing: ‘petrified’.

The only things immediately I can see I have been petrified about, have been the point of smoking and the point of failing process. In relation to this it is pertaining to the fear of failing process. How I see this come up is when I listen to Bernard’s videos, but there I have become quite effective with not allowing the experience to consume and posses me, simply focusing on the Common Sense of what Bernard speaks, but also seeing the point of self-dishonesty that must be applied within and as me, for me to experience fear towards Bernard’s words. This is however something that I’d like to push myself more within, so that the point is not simply to stop the experience and sort of soothe the fear by pointing out to myself that it is not real, but also to stop this point entirely.

Another point that has been more prominent, has been what I have ‘considered’ as ‘signs’ of me failing process through basically paranoia towards how people speak and how they approach me. Then what is interesting is the simultaneously experience of pain in the shoulders that literally feels like lifting a massive rock or something, where it is almost like the headache and my head is trying to ‘carry’ some of the weight. I see this specifically related to the point of seeing myself and the points that I face as ‘problems’ and ‘signs’ of failure, instead of standing at a point of self-support. How does this play out? It has interestingly enough not been towards  these writings as I am doing them now for myself and enjoying them as well, but with regards to an idea of how I participate with Desteni online, specifically in relation to watching and rating videos, as well as banning and sub4sub that I have not at all yet been effective within. I have experienced a vast amount of pressure and stress towards these points, believing that I must be up to date rating, banning, watching, commenting everything that comes out through Desteni or the people involved. This has actually resulted in me completely giving up on doing these things often, because I have simply not been able to do it all.

This point however crosses in two ways; because on one point I see how I have made excuses through again feeling sorry for myself for not living up to my own idea about how I should participate, thus allowing myself to not participate at all or to make unrealistic expectations to myself based on an idea about how I should be, how I was in the past, how others expect me to be or in comparison to how I believe others are effective. I see this also relating to the point of fearing to fail, because having created this idea that it is what I do that determines whether I fail or not, based on the belief and acceptance of myself as a ‘presentation’ only. So my application and dis-application has been directly linked to the fear of failing and how I have seen myself and the ideas I have had about my participation.

This then links back to the point of how to Care for myself and the idea of what being ‘humane’ is. The tricky part is that I have also made excuses for, for example not watching the videos so it is important that I do not try to solve this with a backdoor of; ‘it’s okay to not participate’.

But what I do see it is about, is the point of ‘who I am’ within it all. Because if I know and Trust myself without a doubt, that my participation is solid and that I will constantly push myself to become more effective, then it does not matter how many videos I watch or rate. So there is also within this an experience of ‘carrying all of this on my shoulders’.

– I had through-out this writing momentarily ‘breaks’ here where I went online and watched some of the other guys videos. And this point is quite interesting; because what I see is that I still experience Resistance towards Standing up Alone, for and as myself in Absolutely Self-Honesty and Self-Support. This is also what I see as the Solution towards these patterns of polarity, energy and ideas about myself.

To develop Self-Care Unconditionally and to release myself from the energetic and mind-based addiction to others within and as the mind and through a possessive participation.

There is now no more information that is required to be brought up, yet I am not completely satisfied with this point as I still see some loose ends that I have not released. There has been quite a few points coming up here, so I will re-cap and see if I can structure it together.

So there is partly how I approach myself within process and in general which is through seeing the points and myself as ‘problems’ and ‘threats’ – within this I see/experience/believe/define/accept myself as a burden and thus accept everything else as a burden. In this I have seen process as hardship and have looked for the ‘signs’ of failure, expecting myself to fail – basically accepting myself as failure.

There are then two polarity reactions to this, which will either or simultaneously be being hard on myself or pitying myself, through seeing myself, my reality and process through a ‘struggle/survival’ mode. Through this, when a point comes up, I have then immediately seen/experienced/defined/believed and accepted that as a ‘problem’, a ‘burden’, a ‘threat’ and a ‘hardship’ basically because I have seen/experienced/defined/believed and accepted myself as a ‘problem’, a ‘burden’, a ‘threat’ and a ‘hardship’.

The main point what I see here is how I have placed process and living in general into a point of ‘survival’ thus making process of standing up as Life equal to the process of survival within everything that has implied. I have then ‘looked for’ these points of validation to my already accepted experience of ‘failing’ /’not surviving’ – and I see actually in this a cool point of Support that can obviously only be opened up through Self-Honesty – because it is showing an error and an un-alignment, where I have still been directed by the illusion of survival through separation, while showing myself through the physical (the headache, the experience of pressure, burden, depletion) what I was doing. I have done and justified this within and from a belief of what ‘Humanely’ means, here specifically a point of morality towards Desteni and my participation within process, but what I see now is that this can only be another point of survival through separation, as that is the main-point or the starting-point from which this entire pattern of experiences originate.

Thus let’s look a bit more on the Self-Deception towards the belief of ‘humanely’: Something that I have been realizing is how I have felt sympathy and emotional pain towards specifically refugees , old people , handicapped people and animals. These are interestingly enough also some of the people that could commonly be treated in-humanely within and as the system.

So I made a video about refugees and as I was watching myself in the video, I realized how I had projected a point within me onto this situation with the Refugees and how they are being treated in-humanely. So what I briefly looked at and will look more into here now, is what also connects to the point of what Care is: that I have seen/experienced/defined myself as a refugee within myself, towards a ‘power’/’authority’ of both ‘the system’ and ‘people’ resenting ‘the system’ for not treating me as the refugee humanely and instead annihilating, fearing and judging these refugees as criminals. Then the point I have taken on as ‘the observer’ within this, has been the point of ‘care’, which I realize now has actually been the point of pity towards these people as I considered them being ‘weak’ and ‘vulnerable’ – so within this I obviously re-present all three points myself: The System, which I have actually judged, resented and annihilated as ‘inhumane’ based on a moral belief/idea about being humane, which is actually pity and superiority and then the point of the refugees as self, accepting and validating self as ‘weak’ and as ‘a victim’.

But the point where I seem to have separated myself, is the point of Self-Responsibility and also within dividing these ‘parts’ into polarities of ‘strong’/’weak, ‘good/bad’, ‘superior’/’inferior’. It is interesting as well because what I now experience is the point of being ‘dim’ – of not seeing clearly and of reacting towards that in self-judgment and self-pity. Fascinating how this point keeps circling in on it self. Because I see the point, it is right here – and maybe it is simply about believing that there must be something more.

I see how I have defined care in a polarity of ‘pity’ and ‘being hard’ which both manifests as self-abuse and that seems basically to be the endpoint from where I can walk to Correct myself. Today I have had the plan to watch Desteni videos, comment, and ban all day. Interestingly enough I have hardly done any of that because this point came up with the headache and because I have been preoccupied within the point of persona-maintenance/ego towards the internet.

I clearly see that this is one of the reasons why my participation online has not been effective, because I have been doing it from a starting-point of ego, either through this pattern I have described or through trying to keep up a self-image within the same starting-point. So the last few days I have focused more on the point of Standing Alone, not allowing myself to project myself into the future, onto other people in my mind and not to utilize the internet for ‘personal gain’. It is again a point of miss-aligned ‘self-care’ because it is again based on the same delusion as I have described above.

Okay so: What to do. What I see is that I do not Actually know how to Care for myself, or Actually I do know, but I have not fully Walked this point into a Consistent Application of Self-Trust, Self-Acceptance and Self-Honesty, so this is my first point of priority within this point. Pushing myself to not Alone bringing all points back to Self, but also to re-align Self In Oneness and Equality AS SELF. I do this through my Application – but it also requires a different point of Self-Care that is more ‘Active’. Because I see that these points have become automated as a point of ‘Dealing with Self’ and thus as I de-activate them, I must supply myself with a Self-Directed, Self-Created (Yeay) Point of Self-Care that is Aligned to What is Best for All.

I have in previous posts brought up the point of physical Self-Support. I have now taken on the point of food and sleep and one of the next points is the cigarettes, which I will come back to and write about. So those points are covered and as a momentarily Self-Support, I can write myself into Self-Appreciation. Actually at the moment these writings is what I enjoy the most and I have been able to push myself through resistances/fears/experiences and continue writing – so that is very cool. But I see that I require another point of Structured Self-Support that is concrete. I have also structured my days, instead of dividing the tasks into a day, I have divided the days into tasks and at this stage, with the exams, it has been very effective. Then there is a day such as today, where something else happens (I also watched parts of a movie this morning)

– I’d like to Push myself more to become Stable within Self-Trust in this Application of not fearing and stressing about getting it all done, but I see now that this is an outflow point of the above pattern and so, as I stop the pattern and the outflow, I stop this experience entirely. I do however experience a slight resistance to points of Self-Support that I can see would be assisting, like taking a walk or showering. I have simply not seen/appreciated/acknowledged it as Self-Support or Self-Care and I have resisted the Self-Intimacy and lack of energy within these points.

Ha – I realize now that it is because I see them as luxuries that I cannot afford within my struggle to survive. But that is actually an excuse for behind it I have this experience of being shy towards myself and not knowing what to do with myself in these moments of Self-Nurturing. I see lots of points where I can push this; massaging myself, singing, dancing, showering, swimming, taking walks, writing specific articles, drawing – but I see that I require to dis-connect the ideas/beliefs/associations and judgments I have made towards this point of Self-Care within and as Self-Intimacy. The headache is now dissipating by the way and so I will now move myself to the point of Self-Forgiveness and then continue looking at how to Apply myself within this point of Self-Care.

Self-Forgiveness

Definitions of Humanely

1.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to feel that I am Humane towards myself when I experience self-pity towards myself

2.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I am Humane towards myself when I act according to the feeling of self-pity

3.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to define Humane within and as the Self-Deception of the Human-System-Condition of having a definition of ‘dignity’ that is pertaining to and as the extend of Self-Abuse that we have Allowed

4.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that there is such a thing as Humane

5.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I was Humane towards myself when I was pitying myself, based on having defined humane as Care through my mother showing care as pity

6.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed care as pity and self-pity towards myself and also projected onto seeing people that I consider ‘weak’ and ‘vulnerable’ such as children, animals, old people and refugees and immigrants

7.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that the pity I felt for children, animals, old people and refugees and immigrants was actually Care, when in fact I saw them as ‘weak’ and thus as ‘less than’ me

8.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself not to see that ‘Humanely’ within the definition of treating others with Dignity in Equality, without inflicting Suffering upon others as Care does not Stand Equal and One as the Human itself and as myself

9.      I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Stand Equal to myself and myself as others with Dignity in Equality, without inflicting Suffering upon others or myself

10.  I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Realize the deceptive nature of the word ‘Humane’ and ‘Humanely’ because within it is the justification of the Self-Abuse that we have allowed ourselves to inflict on ourselves, through the belief and illusion that we were superior in our standard of living and that we thus were inherently ‘caring’

11.  I Forgive myself that I have through having Accepted and Allowed myself to believe and accept the deception of the word ‘Humane’ as Care, only have allowed myself to Care as Self-Abuse and Self-Pity within the Polarity of Superiority and Inferiority

12.  I Forgive myself that I through the definition of the word ‘Humanely’ as ‘Care’  have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I as a Human Being Care – when in fact I have proved to myself that I as a Human Being have not Cared about Live

Dimming myself from seeing myself

1.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to dim myself to not see what I am doing within a moment of reaction, a point being seen or a physical response and instead have gone into an automated pattern of self-abuse and self-pity, without stopping up and checking my starting-point

2.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to dim myself within and as seeing myself, the world and the points that come up through a pattern/personality/energy of and as survival through separation and through seeing myself, the world and everything else as ‘problems’ to be fixed

3.      I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Realize that my approach to and as myself has been dimming Self-Honesty and Self-Acceptance

4.      I Forgive myself that I within having Accepted and Allowed myself to dim myself, have created an unnecessary process for myself

Seeing Everything as a ‘problem’ I must ‘deal with’

1.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to allow my immediate response in seeing a point to not to be to see it for what it is and how I can support myself within it, but to see it and myself as a problem that I must ‘deal with’

2.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to see/experience/define/judge/accept myself and all points and all people and the world and everything as ‘problems’ that I must ‘deal with’ and ‘fix’

3.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to, within the definition of seeing/defining/judging/accepting Everything as ‘dealing with a problem’, have allowed myself to negotiate with and accept ‘problems’ as more than me

4.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to make myself ‘less than’ the ‘problems’ that I have seen/defined/Judged/experienced and accepted myself, the world, other people, points coming as

5.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to make everything as people, the world, points that come up and myself into ‘problems’ by accepting everything as people, the world, points that come up and myself as ‘problems’ as real

6.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe and perceive everything as people, the world, points that come up and myself as ‘problems’ that I must ‘deal with’

7.      I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Realize I through having defined/experienced/judged/believed and Accepted everything as people, the world, points that come up and myself as ‘problems’ that I must ‘deal with’, have made everything as people, the world, points that come up and myself into a ‘problem’

8.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that through seeing ‘problems’ as something that must be fixed, I was being constructive, self-honest and positive, instead of realizing that my starting-point was negative and not constructive or self-honest

9.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that ‘positive’ is ‘good’ and ‘negative’ is ‘bad’, instead of Realizing that all of these are polarity points to which I have submitted and subjected myself to as ‘less than’, thus having accepted all points of polarity as ‘more than’ me, thus enslaving myself to polarity

10.  I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Realize what I have seen/defined/experienced/judged and accepted as ‘problems’ is not really ‘problems’, but that it is through me having accepted myself within a starting-point of myself as a ‘problem’ that I have accepted everything else as ‘problems’ as well

11.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept myself within a starting-point of seeing/defining/experiencing/judging myself as a ‘problem’

12.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to submit and subject myself to the belief/definition/experience/judgment and acceptance of myself as a ‘problem’ and within that having accepted myself as ‘less than’ the belief/definition/experience/judgment and acceptance of myself as a ‘problem’, accepting the belief/definition/experience/judgment and acceptance of myself as a ‘problem’, as ‘more than’ me

13.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to react automated energetically when a point comes up, either within the mind, resonantly or physically

14.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to limit myself to see points that come up only through self-pity, self-judgment or both, thus not allowing myself to Stand within and as Common Sense, Self-Honesty and Self-Forgiveness to effectively Correct myself within and as the point that is unaligned

15.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to limit, compromise and abuse myself through seeing/defining/experiencing/judging/accepting myself as a ‘problem’

16.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to create a pattern of seeing/defining/believing/judging/experiencing and accepting myself as a ‘problem’ that I have taken myself for granted within and as without questioning the validity of this Starting-Point

17.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I am a ‘problem’

18.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept that I am a ‘problem’

19.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to through others having seen/judged/defined/experienced and accepted me as a problem, have having seen/judged/defined/experienced and accepted me as a problem through defining myself according to how I see others react/respond to me, without realizing I can only Accept myself as problem through others seeing/defining/experiencing/judging/accepting me as a ‘problem’ if I have already accepted myself as a problem – and that if others see/define/judge/experience and accept me as a problem, it is about them seeing/defining/experiencing/judging/accepting themselves as a ‘problem’

20.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to adopt/copy and accept my mothers seeing/defining/experiencing/judging and accepting herself as a problem, as myself within validating my mother as a ‘problem’

21.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to validate my mother in seeing/defining/experiencing/judging and accepting herself as a problem, thus allowing her to remain enslaved within this bullshit, as well as having allowed myself to remain enslaved within and as it as well

Not ‘Living up to’ Ideas about Self

1.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to make excuses through feeling sorry for myself for not living up to my own idea about how I should participate, instead of realize that my starting-point within this is unaligned to and as Equality

2.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to manipulate myself through generating/creating and participating within and as the experience/energetic reaction of feeling sorry for myself

3.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to justify not Applying and Pushing myself through the belief/definition/judgment and acceptance of myself as a ‘problem’

4.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to feel sorry for myself, because I do not ‘live up to’ my idea about who and how I should be, not realizing that I within doing so, have accepted myself tacitly as ‘less than’ the idea I have about myself, thus making it impossible for myself to ever become the idea

5.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to create/manifest/generate and participate within and as ideas and ideals about who and how I should be, instead of realizing that these are generated through already having accepted myself as ‘flawed’, ‘failed’ and as a ‘problem’ thus trying to overcome this selv-acceptance, but instead ending up validating it as myself

6.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to create/manifest/generate and participate within and as ideas and ideals about who and how I should be based on the desire to be ‘more than’ I see/define/experience/judge and accept myself as, as a ‘problem’ – instead of realizing that I am Here as Life, undefined and that it is I who Decide, Direct and Create who and what I am and Live within and as

7.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to create/generate/manifest and Participate within and as ideas and ideals in my mind/ego about who and what I should be, that are ‘more than’ me as who I am Here as Life, thus in this having Accepted myself as ‘less than’ these ideas – thus subjecting and submitting and enslaving myself to ideas instead of Living Here in and as Equality as who I am as Life, undefined

8.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to see/experience/define/judge and Accept myself through the Mind’s I as ego, personality and polarity only and within that Separating myself from and as myself – basically accepting myself as something that is not real, trying to make myself ‘equal’ to it, instead of Realizing that I am already Equal Here as Life

9.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Participate, Create, Manifest and Accept myself from within and as a Starting-Point of ‘lack’ and polarity, through which I must always become ‘more’, ‘do more’, ‘be more’ in order to equate this, instead of Realizing that my starting-point is based on a miss-calculation in which I have Accepted myself as something and someone that I am not

10.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to validate the idea of myself as a ‘problem’, as ‘less than’, as ‘lacking’ through having compared myself to ideas about myself in the past, to others in my mind

11.  I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself Here Equal and One as Life

12.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to justify trying to win over others and to want to spite them and bring them down, so that I can feel superior and equate my own self-created experience of myself as inferior – instead of simply not accepting myself as inferior and in not accepting myself to be defined through or as the Mind

13.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately bring others down and spite them both in physical participation and in the mind, to satisfy my own self-created acceptance of myself as inferior

14.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept inferiority and superiority within and as the game of survival through the delusion of Separation as the Directive Principle of me – thus having Accepted and Allowed Suffering and Separation to continue

15.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to annihilate myself through the acceptance of myself Here as ‘less than’ the idea about myself in the mind as ‘more than’ and that I thus have submitted, subjected and enslaved myself to and as the Mind – instead of Realizing that I am not the Mind and I cannot be either inferior or superior, because I am Here as Life, Equal and One

16.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to make the Mind the Directive Principle of and as me, in having abdicated Self-Responsibility for having Created/Manifested and Accepted myself in and as the Mind and through that having Separated myself from who and what I have Created/Manifested and Accepted myself in and as, as the Mind as Separation of and as myself.

17.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear failing and for having satisfied and validated this fear, instead of realizing that I have already Accepted myself as failed in defining/experiencing/believing/judging and Accepting myself in and as the mind as Separation

18.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to validate the fear of failing based on the Accepted of the game of survival through separation, having Accepted that I must fight everyone and everything, including myself to Survive

19.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to enslave myself to the illusion of survival through separation

20.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to create/manifest and participate within and as an idea that what I do is either ‘good’ or ‘bad’, thus judging everything I do accordingly, limiting myself to exist within and as polarity only

21.  I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Realize that I have already Created/Manifested and Accepted myself as a failure and thus everything I do, everything I see, everything ‘I am’ from that starting-point will be failure

22.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept and believe myself to be ‘presentation’ only, thus having believed that it is what I do that determines ‘who I am’, instead of realizing that it is who I have Accepted myself as that determines who and how I Participate

23.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear failing and for having validated through believing/creating/accepting the idea that what I do determines whether I will fail or not, based on the belief and acceptance of myself as ‘presentation’ and ego only

24.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be and become ‘presentation’ only, believing that ‘who I am’ is who and what I ‘present myself as’, instead of realizing that this is based on the idea of who and what I should be and the annihilation of myself as who I am Here, undefined as Life

25.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to present an image of myself as who and what I want to be seen as, in the belief that it is who and how others see and reflect me as, that make me ‘who I am’ as ‘who’ want to be seen as, instead of realizing that ‘who I am’ has been in separation with and of myself Here as Life and is thus not real

26.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to suppress, deny, ignore, invalidate and judge who I am Here as Life, because I did not live up to the idea I had about who and What I should be

27.  I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to realize that within submitting myself to the idea about who and what I should be and in suppressing myself here as life, I have enslaved, subjected and submitted myself to the Mind and to the Mind-System of and as the world

28.  I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Realize that I can never become who and what I have desired to become, because this is an image within the mind and is not real, but a reaction to having judged myself for who I am Here as Life

29.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to subject, submit and enslave myself to the world system that dictates that Who we are Here as Life is a threat to the System and therefore it is programmed to be seen as ‘bad’ and thus we will willingly suppress, deny, judge and annihilate ourselves Here as life to Survive

30.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to create, manifest, generate, uphold and participate in a system of separation and in that having Accepted and Allowed ourselves to annihilate us from who we are Here as Life

31.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to validate Separation by having Participated in Separation as real through the fear of not surviving as ego and personality, instead of realizing that separation is an illusion that I have submitted, subjected and enslaved myself to as real

Annihilating Self through Separation to Survive

1.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to define/perceive/experience/judge/accept Care as self-abuse through either feeling sorry for myself or Judge myself

2.      I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Stand Equal and One to and as Myself Here as Care

3.      I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Care for myself for real and only ‘care’ for myself as ego/personality/mind and within that only caring about my own survival through separation – thus only caring for myself as the self-delusion that I have accepted myself within and as

4.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept Care as Self-Abuse

5.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that to ‘Care for myself’ is to feel sorry for myself and protect myself within the fear of facing that which I have believed was threatening me – instead of realizing that this ‘care’ is to ‘care’ for myself as self-delusion and fear only

6.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to feel/believe/experience that I was caring for myself when I watched movies and ate candy and smoked weed in self-pity

7.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to feel/believe/experience that I was caring for myself when I resisted facing myself in Self-Honesty and in allowing myself to be directed by fear

8.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I was protecting myself through fear – instead of realizing that I was cre-hating myself as fear

9.      I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to be intimate and vulnerable with an as me, basically perceiving myself as an enemy to my own survival through the belief that only by separation will I survive

10.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to perceive/believe/experience/define/fear/judge/manifest/cre-hate and accept myself as an enemy to my own survival in and through separation

11.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I must remain separated and fighting within and as me to survive

12.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to survive

13.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to define/experience/believe/trust/manifest/cre-hate and accept survival as ‘self-care’

14.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that ‘caring for myself’ is to survive in and through separation of myself Here as Life

15.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to com-part-mentalize myself into separate parts and for having desperately upheld these ‘borders’ fighting each other in the belief that it was the only way to survive

16.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that by being hard on myself, specifically through self-judgment that I was being self-honest and thus ‘good’ instead of realizing that I through that, have been fighting and separating myself, ultimately suppressing the parts of myself which I did not see as ‘good’

17.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that being hard on myself is the same as being self-honest

18.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I cannot Accept, Love and Appreciate myself in Self-Honesty

19.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to exist only in self-judgment of myself Here as Life, within and through the belief and acceptance of myself as a threat to my own survival and thus believing that I must eradicate, suppress, annihilate myself here as Life to survive

20.  I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Realize that I have been destroying, abusing and annihilating myself in order to survive in and as the system of and as survival through and as separation

21.  I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself

22.  I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Love myself

23.  I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself

24.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to transfer the belief that I must suppress, judge, annihilate and invalidate myself in order to exist, into the Process of Standing up as Life, thus not Giving myself a chance

25.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself to Abuse myself through self-judgment as ‘care’

26.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept fighting and separating myself as a base premise for existence, thus having cre-hated, manifested, charged , upheld, validated and Accepted All as One as Equal as myself to exist within and as self-abuse in survival through and as separation

Maintenance of Ego through the internet

1.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to participate on the internet, only from a perspective of maintaining myself as ego, through both boosting myself and invalidating myself through the participation with others

2.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to let the internet become ‘my world’ and through that not participating in the physical reality with others

3.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to become obsessed and possessed with checking my mail and checking if anyone has liked, commented or shared anything of my stuff on facebook

4.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to become addicted to the energetic rush of ‘fame’ and ‘appreciation’ of people sharing and posting and commenting and liking my stuff on facebook

5.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to define myself according to the amount of attention I get on the internet

6.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to become addicted to getting attention from others on the internet and through that having defined/perceived/experienced and judged myself accordingly

7.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be energetically charged by participating on the internet

8.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to use and abuse the internet for personal gain – to satisfy my addiction of energy and to boost my ego and personality as ‘self-presentation’

9.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to judge myself and to be ashamed of having abused the internet for personal gain in accepting myself as ego

10.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience myself becoming ‘more’ or ‘less’ according to the attention I got from the internet and the energy rush I got from that

11.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to enslave myself to energy and to direct and define myself according to energy only

12.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to create posts only to get attention and energy from others

13.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be self-dishonest on the internet in making posts that are seemingly ‘supporting’ and ‘self-honest’ while my starting-point was self-interest in getting energy from the attention of others and through feeling better about myself in being validated and appreciated by others

14.  I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to realize that the only reason why I would become dependent on the attention and validation of others, is because I do not Stand Alone Absolute Here as Life, Equal and One

15.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I require the attention and validation from others to be who I want to see myself as and through this depleting myself in constantly having to fit myself to this image of myself and to generate attention and energy from others to validate me as this image

16.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to see and experience the internet as a candy-shop of energy, attention and validation of me as ego

17.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that I was participating from a starting-point of self-honesty, while I was actually copying what I saw as the ‘correct image’ in order to get the responses that I wanted as validation

18.  I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Push myself to Stand Alone Here, One and Equal as Life

19.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to create and manifest a pattern and an addiction towards the internet

20.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to create a relationship with the internet of abuse and addiction

21.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be directed and controlled by the addiction to the validation, attention and energy of others

22.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to replace the energy I got from people in the physical with energy through the internet, thus having believed that I had ‘gotten over’ this point and that I had no problem being Alone – LOL – when in fact I have done exactly the opposite

23.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be and become addicted to the energy of the attention from others through believing that I am nothing on my own

24.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to validate/believe/experience/manifest and accept myself as nothing on my own

25.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to submit and subject myself to the ego, in being addicted to the energy of the attention from others and the belief that by others validating me, I become ‘more’ than who I am Here

26.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to utilize the internet to feed a desire for being ‘more’ from a starting-point of having accepted myself as ‘less’

27.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to limit, deceive and manipulate myself to exist as an image of self-presentation with the only function of getting energy through the attention from others and the validation of me as an image from others, based on the belief of myself as ‘lacking’

28.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to submit and subject myself to the belief that I am ‘lacking’ and thus justifying the hunt for becoming ‘more’, instead of realizing that I have never been ‘lacking’ as I am Here, Whole

29.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be petrified of people dis-covering ‘who I really am’ within having split myself into ‘the real me’ that is shameful, evil, bad, secret and the ‘ideal me’ that I present to others as myself, and through that separating and com-part-mentalizing myself and creating an inner conflict in which I must constantly suppress, hide and deny myself Here

30.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to write and make vlogs from the starting-point of imagining them being watched and to fuel myself energetically through the idea of how people will react

31.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to imagine how people will react to my writings and my vlogs

32.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to make myself dependent on others validating me, thus making myself a slave to others opinon of me and essentially to the fear of Standing Alone

33.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear Standing Alone because of the belief that I am ‘bad’, ‘evil’, a ‘problem’, ‘nothing’, ‘not worthy’

34.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to validate and accept ‘inferior experiences’ and invalidate and judge ‘superior experiences’, instead of realizing that none of these are real

35.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to submit myself to the fear of being alone, being excluded from a group, based on the subconscious acceptance of survival as and through separation

36.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to see/define/experience/judge/believe and accept myself as ‘inherently’ weak and that there is thus nothing I can do about this as it is ‘who I am’, instead of realizing that this is something I have adopted and copied from my mom by accepting her belief and acceptance of herself as weak and thus have accepted for myself as valid as well, instead of Realizing that I am Here as Life

37.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to submit and subject myself to the belief that I am threat to my own survival – and thus accepting myself to suppress, judge and annihilate myself in the attempt to become ‘more’ than who and what I am

38.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience that when I am on the internet and ‘maintaining’ myself as ego, that I am caring for myself

39.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to enjoy the energetical experience of maintaining myself as ego on the internet

40.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to focus on and develop only those ‘qualities’ that I have believed to be beneficial for myself as ego in self-interest

41.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to invalidate, judge, ignore and annihilate all qualities and aspects of and as myself that does not support ego as ‘who I am’

42.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept myself as ego as ‘who I am’

43.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Support myself as ego as ‘who I am’ and through that having annihilated and separated myself from myself Here as Life, Equal and One as Everything that is Here

44.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to support myself as a system of and in separation of and as separation of and as myself Here as Life, through having accepted myself as ego in ‘lack’ and in competition with Life to survive

45.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to cre-hate a secret personality in which I can boost myself as ego through participation on the internet

46.  I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Stand Alone, Self-sufficient in Support of and as the Amalgation of myself as Life, Equal and One

47.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to feel ashamed of having an ego, instead of realizing that I have allowed myself to become ego through having accepted myself as separate and thus believed that the only way I could survive, was by keep separating and fighting myself as Life

48.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself equate survival with existing

49.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe and accept that existing is surviving

50.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe and accept that living is surviving

51.  I Forgive myself that I have Not Accepted and Allowed myself to Support myself to Amalgamate myself Here as Life as Who I am, Equal and One with and as Everything that is Here as Life

Not Allowing myself to Care for myself – because ego must survive

1.      I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Care for myself as Life, based on having accepted myself as ego in survival only, thus believing/experiencing/defining everything that does not Support ego to survive, as a threat, as unnecessary, as danger, as a luxury I cannot afford

2.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept myself as ego in survival only, thus perceiving, experiencing ,defining, judging everything that does not support me as ego to survive, as a threat

3.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe, experience and accept that Self-Care and Self-Intimacy is ‘wrong’, ‘unnecessary’, ‘ a danger’, and ‘a waste of time’

4.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to want to post this post on my blog immediately after writing it, within the projection of it being read by someone seeing me as ‘good’ and thus giving me points that will make me ‘more’ – I STOP

5.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to see, define, experience, perceive, judge and accept Self-Intimacy  and Self-Care as a luxury that I cannot afford

6.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to live in annihilation of myself as Life

7.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be afraid and experience fear towards being Alone and Intimate with and as myself – instead of realizing that this fear is designed to keep me from ‘going there’ because then I will as the ego die

8.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to abdicate myself to ego as survival through separation

9.      I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to abdicate myself to the illusion of separation and within that ‘lack’ – and through that acceptance, have been running to and from myself Here ever since in and as the mind as and through survival in and through separation of myself as Here as Life, Equal and One

10.  I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I can and have to either run to or from myself, instead of Realizing that I have always been right Here

11.  I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to recognize and Accept myself Here, One and Equal as Life

–          I do not Accept myself as Survival in and through Separation of and as myself Here as Life

–          I am not beliefs, ideas, thoughts, feelings, emotions

–          I am Here, Equal and One, Amalgamating myself as Life

–          I Stop all Participation within and as ego

–          I Stop all Participation within and as energy

–          I Stop all Self-Judgment

–          I Stop all self-pity

–          I Care for me as Life

–          I am Care

–          I am Life

–          I Breathe Here as Life

Further Self-Corrective Action:

–          Specific Breathing

–          Making a Vlog about these points

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