A point that have been quite prominent the last few days is a point I within me call ‘the effectiveness of other people’ – Within which and through I have Allowed myself to limit and compromise myself by. It is done and triggered through the point of comparison which is fascinatingly enough showing me a self-dishonest point. What I see within this are two points: One is that I through seeing another’s effectiveness, react with fear, resistance and self-doubt, knowing and being well aware that I am not applying myself as this person, I am not Standing One and Equal with and as these words, this expression, this self-honesty as myself. The other is that I through this point of comparison have limited and deceived myself, by accepting myself as inferior and through that ‘making myself into a problem’, seeing everything through these serious, judgmental, shameful “I’s”. In this I have believed that I must ‘move faster’, ‘do better’, ‘be more’, ‘do more’ – which is to some extend quite accurate, but at the same time, in coming from a starting-point of self-accepted inferiority, will be self-depleting and actually self-dishonest. Because in Self-Honesty, I Stand One and Equal to another as myself – and if they are effective in their writing, their application, their process and I see that at that specific point, I have points to Push myself within, then that is what the point is. I see that I have allowed the point of making excuses become a pattern – in various self-deceptive ways. But one of these ways is by Accepting myself as inferior, triggered by the comparison towards others (based on the competition of survival within separation), thus ‘clouding’ the self-honest point of not having stood One of Equal to the effectiveness that the other is ‘re-presenting’ to me in that moment with excuses and emotional/fear-based reactions. I have then also ‘applied’ myself from the mind and from energy in trying to ‘catch up’ based on the secret belief that the other is winning, only depleting myself further, chasing ghosts of my own imagination. So what I gotta do is stick to the Principles – test my application, See, Recognize and Appreciate my effectiveness – That I AM pushing, because within doing so, I hack the pattern of competition. If I Accept myself, Trust myself, Love myself, am Here with and as myself in Self-Honesty, Pushing Self-Honesty to the utmost extend possible within the Moment – there is no backdoor, no excuses. That does however not mean that I am then ‘off the hook’ towards Facing this point of having made excuses and having procrastinated, creating ‘processes’ in plural instead of Walking in and as Breath – I can actually see that my last words, the last sentence was a robotic sentence where I went ‘off’ for a moment, going into ‘the idea about what to write, how to look like I am ‘applying’ myself, actually based on another point of comparison, wherein I have tried to ‘copy’ another’s words and application instead of again: Standing One and Equal with these words as myself. I have got to Walk my Process – I cannot walk as another, applying myself exactly the same way, in exactly the same words as they do. And at the same time I can – because it is all One and Equal. So the point of me walking my process for ME, as ME – is more a point of Supporting myself currently to Move and Direct myself to a point of Standing Alone, in Stability, Self-Honesty and Self-Love. The way I can do that is by continuing to Push for Self-Honesty. I already know the experience of ‘retracting’, ‘suppressing’, ‘resisting’ and allowing myself to make excuses – Often I will experience this physically as a pressure on the chest, like a ‘pulling down’ within me and also a point of secrecy and comfortability within this secrecy of ‘getting away from danger’. The danger is obviously me Facing myself in Self-Honesty and in letting go of all pre-conceived points of self-limitation and self-deception. But the other point, the point of Accepting Self as inferior, of blaming myself for not being effective, of judging myself for not being effective, of comparing myself and then generation energy and separation, has not yet in clarity ‘revealed itself’ – or rather I have not yet revealed it to and as myself. I have seen before in clarity how the Acceptance of Self as inferior for instance, is yet another point of excuse for not Standing Equal and One, Here as Life and thus is Self-Deception – but within seeing that, I reacted often with self-judgment (yet another self-deception) and also expected and believed that I must let this go in one moment. What I see is that even though a Process is essentially not necessary and from a certain perspective self-deceptive, it can be required for a moment to Support Self through a Process of Walking Self into correction as the Living word – and that expecting myself to do it in One moment, is from that perspective, just as self-deceptive as creating a process where one is not required. So – I will walk the Process that is required, that I have already laid out for myself. Because within that I Support myself. But I will also at the same time Push myself to Walk through every possible point in the moment that I can and to check and check and check myself for possible excuses and self-deceptions where I could have pushed more, but did not and thus fucked myself. So what it means is that I am Equal and One Here, with and as Everyone and Everything as Life, whether I believe myself to be or not. It is not an ideal state of enlightenment to reach or a point of survival. I see how I have used comparison as a trigger to manipulate myself into various excuses and thus I can re-define this point of comparison to check myself for Self-Dishonesty. When I experience resistance or fear towards watching someone’s video or reading their blog, I push myself to do so anyway, because that fear and resistance is showing me something about myself. I have actually experienced these points as being ‘threats’ to me, but the interesting thing is that it is not a ‘threat’ to me, but to the ego – it is not the inferiority that is the ‘threat’ – I have already accepted that for myself, without the projection of another , but it is actually the Self-Honest realization that I have not Applied myself to my full extend that I experience as a ‘threat’ – why? Because within Walking into this Realization, I see that I have to give myself up, as everything I have believed myself to be – ironically also the Acceptance of myself as inferior. Because I have been able to hide within the Acceptance of myself as Inferior. I talked to my study buddy about this today, that if people were to recognize an accept the world as a Whole, they would have to Face themselves and the fact that the conditions that we are Living in, are not Acceptable and thus that we all have a Responsibility to Change the World. The same goes inside me – and therefore I have to Push through these points, to see what it is that I have not Allowed myself to Stand One and Equal with and as and to Push that Point until I Stand One and Equal as it. Thus it is only a threat to something that was not real or beneficial in the first place.
Okay – Point Cleared.
Point 1: Other people’s efficiency – So what I am seeing within this, is how I can Push myself more in Self-Honesty. How these points that I have Accepted as ‘permanent’ and because I have Accepted them as ‘permanent’ are fucking with me and that I have used to fuck myself with. I am also seeing that the only way I can be absolutely effective, is by focusing on myself, is by Supporting myself unconditionally to open up points within me in Trust. This I re-develop and develop through writing, through self-forgiveness, through breathing, through Pushing through Points immediately as they come up and so I establish/re-establish Self-Trust and Self-Care and Self-Responsibility and Self-Authority. There are already several points that I have been able to Push through quite effectively, stabilizing myself within the decision to remain Self-Honest. I also see a point, wherein I tend to want to ‘run’ – which I have now Identified as ‘running from myself’. How do I run from myself when I attempt to run through process?
First of all, I invalidate myself and place myself within the friction of a polarity, by seeing process as more than me, by seeing my idea about myself in process as more than me. I invalidate the point of process in itself, through the belief that ‘I should be able to do it in one moment’. What has happened is that when I start seeing that I am becoming effective, I have tended to want to do it all at once, which is basically running from the point at hand; me running – which is thus the point I have been running from. What has been cool within this is that through SRA sessions alone and with Viktor, the amount of pages to write and the amount of self-forgiveness, has been surprisingly low. I tested one time if it was cool if I wrote more than the 1 page that had tested out as ‘assignment’ on a point and it tested no. I understood within this that with some points, it is possible to over-do and over-complicate the point, when in fact all that is required is to remain Self-Honest, writing out the point in Common Sense, but also a point of Self-Support in not trying to take on everything at once, but to stick to simplicity and going straight for the main-point. I do however see, for example on a day like this, lots and lots and lots of points have been coming up, in realizations of something being un-aligned within and as me and I have experienced stress towards ‘getting it all’. I have been working the whole day with my study buddy on our exam that is due in a few days. I experienced myself as ‘vibrating’ with anxiety/nervousness and what I have tended to do is to keep pushing, pushing the point away and keep pushing myself within what I am doing. This is a point I see, where it is important that I Allow myself to Stop and Slow down. No matter what I am doing – if it is required that I take a walk, lie down or dance, I Allow myself to do so – also within the realization that for me to be effective, for example within the work that we are doing, it requires that I am Stable, Here, Breathing, Participating. I Allow myself to take one point at the time, until I Prove to myself that I can take more than one point at the time, because the point of Stability and Consistency within Breath is at this point Important and Supportive. The point is again thus not to ‘run’ – but to Walk, One step at the time. That is how Walking is done.