Today a person from the past contacted me on Facebook. She was my ‘soul mate’, ‘best friend’ for ten years and we went through both our spiritual and weed days together. I realize now as I am writing that I have given value to it being a friendship of ten years, like it was important to mention to emphasize the nature of the relationship as being “long” and “firmly placed”. Later on I experienced pain in the shoulders and the neck and it revealed itself as “burden of the Past” which in this specific case had to do with fear of being pulled back into the past, but also the revealing that I am stilling living as myself in the past. Viktor asked me if I see myself as the same as “who” I was in the past and yes: I do. What is fascinating is that I experience myself as being “me”, like I am “who” I have always been – so not in the past, more as a “permanent”. So I am already “pulled back” into the past – and I have been trying to run from myself as the past, get rid of myself as the past. When Viktor asked me, I looked at how I experienced myself at the farm, as if I had not been “of the past” then – but when I look at it, it was exactly the same. I was running – not in all ways and at all times, but to some extend. This is even a pattern in itself, this point about running from the past, has been a survival mechanism that I have applied to move myself with, to cut all bridges in one go – yet at the same time in doing so, clinging myself to myself in and as the past. I experience it as a “suit” that I am wearing, more than it being direct identification or a “feeling”. It is like the acceptance of myself as “permanent” cements me as this “who I am in the past”. How am I holding onto myself in and as the past? I see in this moment three ways: the smoking, “I am a smoker”, the thoughts and memories where people from the past “pops up” “out of nowhere” and within a kind of permeating liquid point almost of making excuses for not changing and in this also holding onto beliefs and definitions about Self. It is and must be specifically through holding on to these beliefs – and I have Realized something: Whenever there is a point that we do not want to let go of or look at, it is because we have invested ourselves in that point, because we believe the belief. And thus I must firstly question the beliefs that are taken for granted. When we do not want to look at or let a point go, it is not because that point is something “valuable” or “real” – it is because we have made ourselves into it, made it into ourselves and it is that “making” that is the first step to letting go. I see this point as being quite unclear to grasp, because it is more like a structure in itself than an actual point. It is like a way of being, an equation or actually miss-calculation in itself. So when we start by making 1 + 1 be 3, all other calculations will be with the same error. Anyways. Why am I holding onto myself as the past? Can I look to the fear for answers? The fear is that I don’t want to live in the past, that I don’t want to be who I was – but who I was is still who I am because I have not let go of myself as the past. I have held onto it, by rejecting it, by running away from it – I re-create it. So I re-create myself in and as the past, by holding onto the past, through fearing the past? Why do I fear the past? Do I fear changing? Do I fear letting go of the Past? What happens when I let go of the past? There can be no more excuses because the excuses can only be validated through the past – what happens if there are no more excuses? “Hard work”, “no fun”, “Suffering”, “boredom”, “enslavement”, “trapped” – shit; this is what I have been running from. And it is exactly the point of miss-calculating and believing the belief: I have believed that were I to let go of the past, this would be my life. This is the one single biggest miss-calculation of my life-experience from what I can see so far. Because I missed it, I missed it in the moment and then I missed it again and again every time I was close to see it. And all it took was a Breath’s Self-Honesty and Common Sense to see what I was doing. WOW – And Now I see it, I cannot run from it. I have no choice but to Face it, but what’s the danger here? That I “risk” loosing this precious belief? That Standing up is hard work and no fun. Shit – I couldn’t be more wrong. Yet – I have to prove this for myself, because however fucked up it may be: I still believe the belief. Time to get it on.

Self-Forgiveness

1.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to run from the past by removing people from my life and by suppressing the past within and as me

2.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I could out-run the past by ignoring it and suppressing it, instead of realizing that by doing so, I have actually be clinging onto the past instead of letting go

3.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to attempt to take a short-cut to ‘get rid of the past’, instead of facing myself within and as all points that I have Accepted myself to exist within and as, as the mind as memories, projections, feelings, and emotions

4.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to run from the past, essentially to desire to run from myself, because I did not like who I had become

5.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself having developed and followed a pattern of running from and suppressing myself, in the belief that I could escape and out-run myself and through that believing that I could and trying to become someone else, instead of realizing that the only way I can change, is by facing and changing all and everything that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as

6.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear that the past would ‘catch-up’ with me and that I would be ‘caught’ in the past, instead of realizing that I have been caught in the past already through having allowed myself to run from the past, instead of facing, directing and changing myself within and as who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become

7.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to place value in the number of years I have known someone and within that validating the relationship as ‘special’ and as ‘solid’, thus justifying why I still identify myself within that relationship, when in fact it is a relationship that I have held onto within and as the mind and thus it is not real

8.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear that by being caught up to by the past, I would be sucked into ‘who I was’ and then react to this by trying to run from the past as people and memories, instead of realizing that I have already allowed myself to exist in and as the past and that by fearing the past, I have given it power to direct and define me

9.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to escape myself and not realizing that this desire is based on fear of facing myself in self-judgment and regret towards the past and that this self-judgment and regret is not real and is not showing me who I am, but who I have accepted and allowed me to be and become

10.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself having validated and justified why I was running from the past, through validating and justifying the fear of facing myself in and as the past, as who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become, instead of realizing that this fear is based on self-judgment towards myself which I have defined myself by

11.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to validate and justify the fear of facing myself within and as having validated and justified self-judgment and through having  defined myself within self-judgment as real, as who I am

12.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to having validated and justified self-judgment through having accepted myself to define myself according to self-judgment, instead of realizing that self-judgment is not who I am

13.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself having defined myself through self-judgment and for having validated this self-definition through the belief that I am ‘bad’, that I must be punished and punish myself and keep myself on a leash and in control through self-judgment

14.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself having believed myself to be ‘bad’ through having compared  myself as ‘bad’ with how I saw others as ‘good’ because of what I saw and experienced myself as, instead of realizing that I within doing so, have believed what people presented to be who they really were and thus concluded that I was bad in comparison with what I saw

15.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself having believed that what people presented as ‘who they are’ was real , instead of realizing the fakeness and the deception that this world is presenting as ‘real’

16.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept that I too must suppress myself to be ‘good’ as I saw others be and in that fear that who I was, was ‘bad’ because I was not able to suppress myself completely

17.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I was bad, whenever I was not able to suppress myself, within or without

18.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to see, define and experience self-suppression as being ‘good’

19.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to be ‘bad’ because I had associated myself  ‘bad’ and thus the only way I could get to ‘be myself’ was by being and accepting myself as ‘bad’

20.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to be ‘good’ without realizing that the only reason I desired to be ‘good’ was because I believed that  in order to succeed and survive in this world, I had to be and become ‘good’ as what I saw ‘goodness’ be, which was self-suppression and self-sacrifice and molding  and submitting self to fit the world-system

21.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept self-suppression as the base premise of survival

22.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that all deeds are either ‘good’ or ‘bad’

23.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear being ‘bad’

24.   I Forgive myself that I through having Accepted and Allowed myself to accept myself as ‘bad’, believed that I must become someone else, suppress myself to disappear, run away from myself to be ‘good’

25.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear that my presentation of myself would crack and I would be revealed and exposed as ‘bad’ to others and thus be judged, ridiculed and rejected and thus not able to survive

26.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe and attempt to run from the past, to escape myself as the definition, judgment, belief and acceptance of myself as ‘bad’, instead of realizing that it has been by the definition, judgment, belief and acceptance of myself as ‘bad’ that I have suppressed myself and within that I have held onto the past in acceptance of the past as ’who I am’

27.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that who I see myself as in and as the past, is who I am, I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that when I see the past in my mind through and as memories, that it is myself that I see

28.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to re-create the past as real within participating in memories within and as the mind and within this I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to re-create myself as the past through memories within and as the mind

29.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to use the past as an excuse, within and as having defined myself through self-judgment and regret of memories of the past, not allowing myself to change and within this I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself having used self-judgment and regret through memories, to manipulate myself to remain within and as the past in the mind as memories to not have to change

30.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that were I to let go of the past and let go of myself within and as the past as memories of myself within and as self-judgment and regret, I would be faced with a reality of ‘hard work’, ‘no fun’  and ‘enslavement’, instead of realizing that this is what I have already accepted and allowed myself to live out and exist within and as, instead of allowing myself to let go and move into the unknown in self-trust, self-enjoyment, self-honesty and self-expression as who I am Here, in every moment of Every Breath as Life

31.   I Forgive myself that I have  not Accepted and Allowed myself to let of the past and to let go of myself within and as the past as who and what I have Accepted and Allowed myself to define myself as within and through memories of self-judgment and regret as a way to manipulate myself to remain stuck in the past, based on the belief that were I to let go of the past, I would be enslaved – within this I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear hard work and fear being enslaved, instead of realizing that this is what I have already been living and accepting myself within and as, by accepting it as real and by accepting myself within and as it as real

(The point about the excuses and the belief I will take on separately in another document, because I can see that it requires some more writing and Self-Forgiveness)

Self-Corrective Statements

I am not the past – the past is not real as the past is not Here

I am Here

I let go of the Past as Who and What I have Accepted myself to be and become

I Stop the pattern of running from the past and running from myself

I am not defined by memories, thoughts or emotions

I am not defined by anything or anyone outside Separate from me

I am not Separate from anyone or anything

I am not separate from the past, the future, the present – yet I am Here and Here is who I am

I do not Accept myself to Fear the Past

I do not Accept myself to Fear the Future

I Allow myself to Walk through the Process of stopping the mind and stopping myself from Accepting myself within and as the Mind as memories, thoughts, feelings and emotions

I am not the Mind – I have Created the Mind and Accepted the Mind as myself, thus it is my Responsibility to Stop the Mind, as who and what I have Allowed myself to Be and Become

I Face myself in Self-Forgiveness and Self-Honesty as Everything I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be and become

I Allow myself to be new

I Allow myself to Change

I Allow myself to step into the unknown

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