I see that I was meant to be in front, be a leader, be an example – that I was on my way to doing that, that I was doing that and then fell/failed – falling is specifically connected to failing, so that means that there is an equal point of succeeding, mastering, winning as well.
I see that I have experienced myself as being in the ‘process’ of getting back to ‘my place’ in the hierarchy and that this is very much connected to who/what I believed myself to be when I was spiritual as well as the opposite of how I have experienced and seen myself with regards to being in groups. And so my point of ‘getting back’ into ‘application’ has basically been about ego. Okay so that point is clear. What I have however not opened up are these two points of ego within on the positive side, the spiritual and on the negative my experiences within being in groups.
What I see within this, is that I used the point of spirituality to be and become someone ‘special’ and ‘important’. I basically only saw myself as being good/worthy of two things: Knowledge and words and spirituality. For what ever reason that is not at the moment clear to me, I disregarded knowledge at some point as a source of perusing ‘becoming someone’ and instead turned towards spirituality. Now there were two movements, maybe three within this point. One was the point of a personal-process, where I sought to free and release myself from myself as personality, which I then connected to spirituality as in freeing myself from karma, past lives and enlightening myself to ‘higher consciousness’ – basically just wanted to escape facing myself and my life experiences, but also saw the bullshit of it. The other connected point was the point of being special, being chosen, the super-ego. And as I am writing about it now, I realize that I have never actually duck into this point, but briefly in self-forgiveness once. I simply executed myself as spiritual when I found Desteni – but I have not, until now, dealt with how I created myself in that period and what that has done to my self-image. The people that are spiritual are seriously fucked up and then I just left it at that. I was ashamed and embarrassed that I believed the bullshit and that I openly supported the white light, in the belief of both a source of goodness and the prospects of being able to rise in the ranks of spiritual masters. So within the point of the source of goodness and within that the justification of atrocities like rape of children (which I never considered at the time) and starvation, I had with my spirituality-buddy many talks about how these people maybe were stronger souls and thus able to take it, like it was a challenge souls would take on because they were able to handle the pain. Anyways with regards to that point, I am able to let go and see the con and forgive myself. But with regards to the other point, the point of the ranking, I have not yet faced myself. And how it has revealed itself, is through how I have seen myself within Desteni – and I realize that it is exactly the same; seeing Bernard as God or the Master or whatever and then the desire to be near him, to be free of pain and reincarnation and to bath in the glory of his light – shit, what bullshit. Lol.
And so, I have secretively within the mind, ranked everyone at Desteni as being more or less and I have actively sought to place myself up high. And so – as I ‘fell’ from this ideal/desire of myself, I found myself once again – back on my ass. And then I have tried getting back to that rank. At least this is one side of it – because there is also another side of this, where I pushed myself to Equality and started to ‘see’ – but then left, because I did not want to change and take responsibility for what I saw – this I have felt so guilty about. I have talked about this and applied self-forgiveness on it before, but I have not seen it within the context of ego before. And I had not seen that I, through asserting myself in spirituality tried to make up for the fact, that I basically saw and experienced myself as a loser on all other accounts. It was the first time that I believed in myself, that I was good at something and I did not want to let that go. So it has carried through and I have not faced myself within and as this, because I wanted to hold onto it – because if I was not that, then what was I? A loser. Then the other point comes in, which is how I have related myself to groups. So now, here was a group where I fit in, it fitted my spiritual desire for rising in the ranks, for being on top, next to god. My focus has been on succeeding within the group, of either being the leader or being in the inner-circle. Why? Because I was crappy at it as a child, because I saw the group as the only place that I could survive, I literally saw it as the most important place to develop myself and my skills – and then also, but more silently – not wanting to be alone, which is the fear of not surviving. Wow – all of this teaches us to give ourselves away to the group, to suppress and compromise all of ourselves to the group. Anyways – I have been looking at this point lately as being the main-point of blockage for me at the moment, this superiority point in relation to Desteni and what I also realize is that I have not been willing to let it go – because that would mean that I am back to square one; me. This is why and how I have been trying to Stand up through the mind and in energy, because I was trying to stand up within this fuckedness of myself. There is not even more to say on the point it seems because it is so clearly what I have done. There is the source points, which are both structural and personal and then there is the trigger and outflow points, which are the points in the current that is showing me that this is where and who I have participated from and within. What I do however experience is shame, but what I am seeing right now is that this is another point of not wanting to let go of this idea of myself. Another point is obviously not to now use this to allow less of myself because I am not apparently part of the top. This also seems like a different point that I manifested simultaneously, but that is not directly related except for how I have related the two to each other. So within the spiritual quest for power and freedom, I basically created a super-personality that could deal with and surpass all that the ‘normal me’ couldn’t. And I have not seen this part of it, until I faced myself with this point of superiority with regards to Desteni. The Physical Indicators of this point of ego and inferiority:
– Right Lower back – Power Point/inferiority – who/what has the power
– Breathing – Living/suppression
– Right Under knee/Calves– ego/desire
– Left shoulder – burden/past
– Left calve – Desire
– Left shoulder blade – Self-Limitation
So the first point is the power point indicating accepted and integrated inferiority at a structural level, which makes sense because it is not in this case on the expressive level – it is within a base of who and what I have accepted myself to be + it is a personal point created from a structural point of: Competition to Survive from two perspectives: spiritually and socially. So the pain indicates that I have given myself and given Power as and of myself to this point. It is basically ‘in charge’. Breathing is something that I have been experiencing more and more strain with, specifically with regards to smoking, that my breathing is shallow and constrained, indicating that through having given my power to this point, I have basically sucked the life out of me, existing within the fear and struggle to survive and not in natural breathing as self-support. The desire point of ego is definitely coming from the acceptance and self-con into believing that it is possible to ‘win’. Physically the point is under the knee, which then indicates a desire, under the ego, hiding under or behind the ego and this is also within the structural point as an integrated self-definition. What I see as relevant with this point is the point of it being hidden under or behind ego – okay, so the ego part of it would be the self-image as either a loser or a winner, accepting self-interest as the base foundation of motivation – there is within this a hidden desire to survive. The last three points activated as I was writing and is all to do with expression, manifestation: burden/past of left shoulder is both the painful memory of ‘who I was’ and don’t ever want to go back to, where I was not part of the group and was alone and on the other side the seductive memory and arousal of being a front figure in the Desteni group and the shame that goes with that after. These are the trigger points in which I have re-engaged this point through energy of emotion coupled with memories, images and self-connection of either painful past (totally blocked and suppressed= This is not who I am, I don’t want to go back), breaking free from the past (I want to go back, this is who I want to be) and the shame of having soiled Desteni with my crap. Here also self-judgment, so opinion about myself within this, again leading back to ‘how I should and want to be=the escape of myself’ vs. ‘who I really am=within the painful memories’. From the perspective of having applied this to Desteni as a group, there is no difference from any other group – so where it differs is how I see Desteni as ‘Pure’ and ‘Innocent’ and ‘they trusted me’ and thus as more than me, comparing myself now with both Desteni as an Ideal and with the ideal of myself. The left calve indicates the desire and the manifestation of this desire through expression of myself as trying to redeem my ‘role’ in various ways, but mainly within participating from this starting-point in thoughts and reactions and thus simply following the pattern without being aware of it, in writing, vlogs and blogs. And I have not been willing to let this go. So – I let go. Left shoulder blade is like a main-point for me and actually this point activated the first time I can remember it, when I had a Kundalini-thing at a meditation session. So even though it indicates self-limitation in general, I also see it as being specifically related to these specific points. I experienced this Kundalini-thing, but was actually there because I wanted these experiences, the high of higher consciousness and then when it actually happened, I could not deal with it. So – it indicates self-limitation in connection with all these other points but more as a point of an entire point in itself that also branches into other points – it is like whatever comes from the starting-point of the mind, will be self-limiting. So what is it specifically in this case? Totally blocking self in to only exist as these polarity points, in this slave mode of satisfying fear and desires, of always having to either be somebody else or run from who I am – not having the space to appreciate myself. And also not allowing myself to participate from myself, in humbleness and equality because of this desire to survive as being more than others, also expecting of myself to be better, more than who I am and thus constantly disappointing myself. Phew!
1. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I can survive and I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to survive
2. I Forgive myself that I have never Accepted and Allowed myself to question the desire to survive within me
3. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe unconditionally in survival as a god and I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to be and become aware that everything I did was motive through this
4. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to become enlightened on the premise of getting closer to god from two aspects: I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to become enlightened from the perspective of wanting to escape myself, escape life, escape death and I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to become enlightened to have power over myself and to be special and superior to others
5. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Face myself within the desire to become enlightened based on the desire to be special and superior, because I did not want to let go of that experience, energy and self-definition and because there behind it, was the fear of not surviving, which I had accepted as the base premise of my life
6. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to design a super-personality in which I, in my mind, have escaped myself as who I have accepted and allowed myself to become
7. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that it was possible to eradicate and erase myself through becoming enlightened and I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to eradicate and erase myself
8. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to continue to live by and participate within this super-personality of spirituality, where I desired to be and saw myself as a master, a world-leader and I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I had dealt with this sufficiently when in fact I have denied and suppressed this within myself with the result that I have superimposed this pattern onto Desteni
9. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I was spiritually superior to everyone else around me and for having energized myself through this belief and I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to validate and justify this for myself through what I was feeling – when in fact and for this: I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to create and invent a super-personality in order to escape my experience and acceptance of myself as a loser, as tacitly inferior to everyone else
10. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience shame and guilt towards having used Desteni to fuel myself within this point of being a super-personality, instead of realizing that because this was my tacit starting-point, I would have superimposed and used it on and into everything that I have participated within and as
11. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in shame of having seen, defined, believed, experienced and validated myself as a Desteni leader and front person
12. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to abuse the Responsibility that I Accepted in Equality of being an Equal Participant within Desteni to fuel my own ego of a super-personality
13. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to validate and accumulate the acceptance and experience of myself as being tacitly inferior, through having given myself over to the desire to be superior
14. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to define, accept and experience myself as inferior and as a loser, based on the experience of not fitting into and being comfortable in a group and within this I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to validate this experience through having fought to escape it through suppressing myself and through satisfying the desire to be a successful member of a group
15. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to realize that this was not only about the desire to be in a group, but also the belief that to survive I had to be a successful member of a group and that I have thus created the desire from there and from the fear of not surviving
16. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to realize that I have been motivated, dictated and controlled by the desire to survive and by the fear of not surviving
17. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be and become enslaved to the desire of surviving and the fear of not surviving
18. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Give power, attention and time to fighting to survive and within this I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Realize that all I have been doing has been fighting to survive
19. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to compromise, suppress and diminish all of myself in order to survive through being part of a group and within this I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept that in order to survive through being part of a group, I had to delete, diminish, compromise and suppress myself and in this I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to delete, diminish, compromise and suppress myself to the greatest extend possible, to fit into a group
20. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that must submit myself to the group in order to survive
21. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept that there was something wrong with me because I did not experience myself as effective in a group and within this I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I must eradicate and suppress myself in order to survive
22. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to carry and continue the belief, self-judgment and self-definition that because I did not fit into the group, I was tacitly wrong and a loser, thus having justified and continued the experience of emotional pain and fear of not fitting into the group
23. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience joy and relief when I finally experienced myself as a successful member of a group and within this I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to hold onto and to be unwilling to face and let go of the importance that I have placed into fitting into and being a successful member of a group
24. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Abdicate and sell myself to this system based on survival and within this I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept fear and desire as more than me, as the directive principle of me
25. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept myself to be Directed by fear and desire of survival
26. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to be willing to let go of the desire and the experience of being a successful member of a group, because it meant that I had to face myself within the fear of not surviving and the self-accepted definition through this of being a loser, an outsider, alone, wrong and thus not able to survive
27. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to participate within and as, validate and accept that my life was about winning and losing survival through social groups and within this I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in shame towards seeing what I have allowed to manifest and exist through having accepted this system as the directive principle of and as me
28. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept and allow suffering to exist and for having validated and manifested suffering, through my participation within and acceptance of life as a system/game of winning or losing survival
29. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to face myself in self-honesty, both towards who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as, and as who I am behind all of this – in this, I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe, accept, validate and experience that who I am that does not fit into the system of survival, is a threat to my survival and in this I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to justify eradicating myself through believing that I am a threat to my own survival, instead of realizing that it is the exact opposite – that by allowing myself to eradicate myself, I am basically sucking the life out of me
30. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept and believe that I have failed and fallen, based on not having lived in and up to my own ideal of myself, instead of realizing that I could actually only participate and continue with my process, once this point is fallen
– Breathing through these points, allowing myself to release these points through Breathing.
– Applying and Allocation my Starting-Point in Constant and Continuous Application and Dedication – meaning: This is both a structural/design and a manifested/expression point and thus I have Participated within, as an from it on several levels – thus it is something that I am required to stop in all moments, where I (through physical indicators amongst other points) see that I am participating in it.
– Specifically be aware of my thoughts, not judging them, but recognizing and flagging them as survival points, not Accepting myself within this starting-Point.
– Standing Alone in the Group
– I do not Allow myself to use the Group for self-interest within the fear or desire of Survival
– I do not Accept survival as the Base Premise for my existence to which I must Submit and Diminish myself to Exist
– I utilize the internet to what is Best for All and not to Promote my own ego and self-image
– I utilize writing to free myself and not to present myself to others