Fear of being rejected by my partner because of:
1. Seeing/experiencing/accepting myself as a looser
2. Believing/defining/seeing men as by default better than me
Outflow: Fearing/Expecting that my partner will be merciless towards me – essentially because it is me that is and have been merciless towards myself, both with regards to judging myself as a woman (as weak) and with regards to seeing and defining myself as a loser. I have worked before with this point, but I see that it has been laying like a layer of film over my eyes (myself) and that I have also suppressed/denied the experience within me, so that it has manifested in other ways, for example the secret desire/jealousy towards ‘being normal’, ‘being pure’ and the promotion of myself as ‘different’, ‘better because I was more free than normal people’. I have also specifically mostly had boyfriends who came from ‘good families’ – almost like I was trying to ‘move myself up in the world’. Lol. What I also see within this, is that it is coming straight up from my mom, almost slipping or pouring from her into me like a liquid of emotion/self-definitions. So with regards to this point of men by default being better than me, it is both a personal self-created point, a family point and a general point. So I have created my own version of this, which is that men are by default stronger, more assertive, better because they are not emotional, more direct – all actually from judging and seeing my mom as weak. So – I have tried not becoming like her and obviously ended up exactly like her. Lol – So what I have done in my relationships is that I have censored myself extremely towards fitting myself into the image that I believed that they wanted. And at the same time I have flipped this around on them, finding faults in them, not sharing myself, trying to be dominant, belittling them, manipulating them – all to assert myself within myself as being NOTHING LIKE MY MOTHER. So all of my ‘being open’, ‘sharing myself’ has been a load of crap because it has all been censored and measured to fit the situation and the person that I was with – Actually opening up and Allowing myself to be vulnerable, is not something that I have Allowed myself to. But the most important point in all of this is that I have created and done this to myself. And I have deliberately sought to validate this experience through the relationships I was in, in every way possible – and then I would create a cover-up through being extra pleasing and self-censoring to please the fear basically, trying extra hard to be assertive with the things that I knew I was good at or that I knew the other appreciated – now that I look at it, it has been following a fuzzy logic. So the point of Self-Correction within this is that I now flag two points for myself to Support myself within situations where I experience this pattern/participate within , as and from this pattern – the one is not Allowing myself to Express and Share myself with Viktor in Trust and Vulnerability. These are the moments where I have refrained myself from Sharing and opening up, justified through the fear/expectation and belief that Viktor will reject, judge and terminate me basically by being ‘merciless’, but even behind that is something else – which is using this belief as an excuse to hide behind. Because really the experience is that I have done something bad, that I will get in trouble, that he will not like me anymore if I were to share myself openly. So I have basically justified creating a Performa personality to satisfy this fear and self-definition and have manipulate others and secretively blamed them. So to push this – I push myself to Share everything and anything, being aware of not suppressing, censoring myself. This is not about anyone else ‘doing something to me’ – It is about what I have Accepted and Allowed. And the other flag point is when I go into this pleasing persona, which is basically the same but in reverse. This I flag with Viktor and also with everyone else.
1. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to copy, validate and accept the self-definition, belief, self-acceptation of myself as a loser and as being weak as a woman from my mothers experience, acceptance and definition of and as herself
2. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to create, manifest, accept and allow the self-definition, belief, self-acceptation of myself as a loser and as being weak as a woman
3. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to, through having seen, judged, defined , believed, accepted and experienced my mom as being weak, having seen, judged, defined , believed, accepted myself as weak
4. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to see, judge, define, believe, accept and experience my mom as weak
5. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to, through having accepted myself tacitly and by default as a woman as weak (because my mom was my only reference point), to see, experience, believe, accept men by default to be better, stronger and more than me
6. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself see, believe, experience and accept myself as a loser based on having judged my life experience as ‘not normal’
7. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to glorify my life experience as being ‘not normal’ within attempting to stop the experience of myself as a loser in judging myself for having a life experience that is ‘not normal’
8. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be proud of having had a life experience that is ‘not normal’
9. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe, see, define, judge and experience myself as better, more fee, more seeing than others in having had a ‘not normal life experience’
10. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to see, define, judge and experience myself as a loser because I did not have money, because my mother did not have money, because my mother was drinking, because my mother was old and alone and lonely, because we were living with my step dad who I saw as a loser
11. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be ashamed of being ‘not normal’
12. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to judge and define everyone, including myself into boxes of ‘normal’ and ‘not normal’, seeing either one as either ‘losers’ or ‘winners’
13. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Realize that the desire to be normal and the fear of being not normal is a feature that is installed into the mind and into the world system to prevent us from deviating
14. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear that if my boyfriend (in this case Viktor) were to see ‘who I really am’, that he would reject me, judge me and leave me
15. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Realize that I am and have been the one rejecting, judging and leaving me and I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to see ‘who I really am’ and within this I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to hide from myself and that I have not allowed myself to see that ‘who I really am’ is NOT Who I really am, but in deed who I have Accepted myself as and is thus is real from the perspective of me accepting myself as ‘me’ within an as it, as real and that by suppressing myself and hiding from myself, I have actually given power to this ‘me’ instead of Stopping up and Facing myself in gentleness and self-honesty, realizing that in order for me to Change, I have to Face All and Everything that I have Accepted as myself and I have to Change myself in real time, from this Acceptance – it is the only way I am going to Change.
16. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to blame my partner justified through the belief, fear and expectation of him not accepting me, for judging me, fearing him to reject and judge me and in believing that I must hide ‘who I really am’ from him, please him, be extra good, satisfy him by becoming someone else, so that he will stay with me – when in fact this has always been in, as and about me and no one else but me and within this I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to place the Responsibility of what I have Accepted and Allowed within and as me upon someone else, outside, separate from me, to not have to see, face and take responsibility for who and what I have Accepted and Allowed myself to exist in and as
17. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to use and abuse another to hide from and within myself
18. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I could become someone else, by rejecting, judging and leaving myself behind, through becoming the perfect girlfriend for a ‘normal boy’ and through him believing and accepting this as ‘who I am’ not considering that within doing so, I have suppressed, rejected and diminished myself to the greatest extend possible to make myself go away, all to satisfy a fear and a self-judgement
19. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself wanting to make myself go away and I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that by pretending that I am someone who I am not and by convincing others as well, I can make myself go away
20. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to try and fit myself into the perfect image that I have believed that my boyfriend wanted, based on the fear of facing myself and what I have accepted and allowed and then to judge him as ‘abusing’ me in ‘making me do this’ and not accepting me as ‘who I am’, which I kept secret and never shared, essentially because I did not accept myself
What I see is that the starting-point of this is coming from my mother – I have equally Accepted myself within and as the same pattern and thus I have Equally become it, as myself. Through having Suppressed, judged and hided myself within and from myself, I have allowed myself to exist in the constant fear and desire of ‘being dis-covered’ as ‘who I really am’. Within this pattern, I have extended myself to do anything and everything the man I was with or the man that I chased wanted or even that I believed he wanted – I have abused me and I have used and abused these men for this purpose. It has amongst other points, been the point of holding on to a resentment towards my mother that I have kept myself enslaved within this pattern, and I have not wanted to let it go, because I feared becoming my mother – what I did not realize was that I had already become her – by accepting and judging her as weak – I became and accepted myself as weak, and I associated this with being a woman, my mother being the main stereo-type in my life for ‘who I was suppose to be’. I have become myself as a woman that is weak and judged, through me judging and accepting my mother as weak and though me accepting my mother to judge herself as weak. I have believed and accepted myself to be a loser, because I believed and accepted my mother to be a loser, because I believed and accepted her experience of herself as ‘having lost’. I have accepted myself as a loser and as a woman as weak and bad by default because it is a feature that is pre-installed into the system, like an app that once you hit it the first time, it infuses you until you accept and accept and accept it as real – and it becomes who you are. Thus the only points of this that is about me and my mom personally, is how we have accepted this system application as ourselves – and have not Accepted and Allowed ourselves to Express ourselves Innocently, Unconditionally without fear. Instead we have been fighting the world, our parents, trying to please these fears and beliefs.
Till Here – No Further. I recognize my mother as myself and myself as my mother. I will not Accept myself to use or abuse my mother or my partner to justify my own experience of myself. I have Created me as who I have Accepted and Allowed me to be and thus I am the only One who can Change me – and I can only do that by recognizing myself as who I have Accepted myself to be and become. To this my mother is a mirror, my partner a trigger and thus I am grateful for their Support. I Walk through this in Living Application.