I write this headline and I see that if there is a ‘where’, then I am not Here. And if I am not Here (which I am, because I am Breathing, writing, looking, sitting Here) – I must be ‘somewhere’ diluted and bewildered in the make-up of the Mind. But that is not really possible is it? Because I am Here. So the ‘where’ I was going to describe as I started the headline was my current ‘state of mind’ – but as I am writing this, I can see that this cannot be so. Because it is not Here and therefore it is not Real. That does not mean that I have not experienced it as ‘Real’ or Participated within it as ‘Real’ – and thus it is a layer of Delusion that I have Allowed myself to be covered in – basically (as All Delusions) to Hide from myself.
What is it that I want to Hide? Everything – Everything about me, about what I have Allowed, about who I have become. Even about who I ‘am’ in this moment of writing. Because in this (now it is the previous) moment of writing, I am Ego – I am looking at my words and they look delicious ‘I am a cool writer’ – I am looking at ‘who I am’ and ‘who I am’ is – Full of myself.
I have hided in Self-Disgust – that is amazing that it is even possible to hide in Self-Disgust, because within remaining there, in hiding myself in Shame, Guilt and Self-Disgust, I keep myself Occupied in every sense of that word.
If my writing is going to have any Substance, it’s gotta be for a Solutions, for a Correction, Purification and Perfection of myself – Not to confess my Sins. Because you know why people confess their Sins? So that they wont go to Hell, so that they don’t have to feel bad, so that they don’t have to take Responsibility and Stand Accountable for their Actions.
I have this tendency to confess my Sins – Instead of Correcting myself and Take Self-Responsibility. So there seems to be a point of a ‘balance’ of sorts between Self-Exposure and Confession to avoid Self-Responsibility – Self-Exposure is done to Stand Self-Accountable and that is it.
I watched this video from Desteni (it is in this weeks videos on my website) about asking people for Forgiveness, everyone that I have ever hurt, rejected, neglected, betrayed and ignored. It made me Consider how many people I have actually done that to, and probably I will only recall but a few. Then there are all those ‘anonymous’ on streets and in shops where I have thought and judged about them – To them I should ask Forgiveness too.
I have no Choice – but to Bring myself Here no matter what, no matter How. End the Fear, End the Lies, End the Deception, End the Cowardice, End the Bullshit, End the Me that I have Accepted myself as – Because Who I have Allowed myself to be, is Unacceptable.
Now this is taking shape of a confession again, or rather a plea for redemption – not gonna work. Only gonna work if it is Real – If I am Actually Here, Bringing myself Here, with myself, as myself, as Everything that I have Allowed, without Hesitation and Denial.