This is how it goes:
I was applying myself and I was not happy about it. A lot of anxiety and fear was dispersed and I experienced it as if everything was taken away from me. As I was coming down from the energy, I started realizing that I would not get anything out of what I was doing, that I would be enslaved and existing as a robot or a slave. What I did not Direct myself to realize was that everything was in reverse and that the major resistance I was experiencing was exactly because what I was doing was working; I was freeing myself. So a thought popped up, that I could ‘escape’ and ‘go back’ to my old life. 1 was the point of seeing my old friend again and the other was one single thought that I could smoke cigarettes if I went to Denmark. I applied self-forgiveness on both points, but ‘somewhere’ I had already accepted/taken the backdoor. And it was a backdoor into hell. A self-manifested, self-created- self-accepted hell. I was not consciously aware of it at the time, but I slowly began abdicating myself to the mind again, to thoughts, to fear, to secrecy, to shame. I was at the time working with the point of comparison that I had not yet Directed myself through, but when I look back at it now I can see that I was working with a lot of other points that I was not even aware of. I even secretively regarded myself as a success (as opposed to the coward that I have experienced myself as the last 8 months). So I took the backdoor, one thing led to another and I was back in Denmark. The first thing I did was starting smoking again. Smoking had been the first point, where I had stood my ground and stood up for myself, for life – not for energy or for ego or for mind. So this was the first point that I ‘crossed back into’. The next thing that happened was that I was so ashamed of what I had done. I did not fully realize the point of abdication and self-betrayal (actually until now), but I was ashamed of having started smoking again. I created a secret personality from that point, a personality that slowly has taken over, specifically created (by me of course) to take over all of me, until all I was left as was that personality. What I can see now is that I designed it as me, as who I have accepted myself as and what I have existed within and as through out my life – specifically hitting myself where it hurt the most, at my ‘weakest spots’; addiction, energy, emotions, comparison, self-judgment, self-destruction and sabotage, which by the way are the same exact points that I can see has been prominent within both my parents. These were the exact same points that I stood in front of transcending and walking through as I took the backdoor, so obviously I had already abdicated myself to them, accepting them as more than me, as stronger than me, willing them to be more than me, to control and direct them as me.
Then through that, other points has accumulated as I within this ‘new life’ had experiences that I do not recall having ever had before – specifically regret and the desire to ‘go back’ and change everything. As I moved further away from my time in South Africa, I started seeing myself within that through a positive polarity, I literally started comparing myself to how I ‘remembered’ and saw myself looking back. It was obvious logic: At the time I was to walk through the points and instead took the backdoor I was applying myself as never before. I was becoming fully dedicated and was slowly beginning to accept my strength. So I started comparing myself to that memory, but I did not realize that it was a mind-manipulated memory of an idealized self-image and that I at the time did not experience myself as this what so ever. But within comparing myself now and then, in seeing the obvious contrast, it made sense. What I failed to realize was that I was still comparing myself through polarity and images in Separation exactly as I was doing at the time. That I was still accepting myself to judge myself, exactly as that time – and that This was the ‘me’ that I had accepted all along.
So now – I am standing with the accumulated effect of all of this. Because it has been 8 months and I have put all my time, all my energy, all my breaths into hating myself, despising myself, denying myself, enjoying myself within the ‘escape’ – totally trapped in reverse, knowing it, but unable to move out of it, because of the accumulation effect through the abdication to energy. I am standing within an actual entity creating by accumulated energy. It is an entity because it has become me, I have become it. What I mean by that is that I have placed myself in a position of no control and therefore even when I say STOP, I keep going. So what I realize is that before I can even deal with any other point, I have to first deal with the point of the accumulated energy. What I have also begun is actually seeing the mathematical (for a lack of a more fitting word) structure within this and thereby removing the point of personality and oddly enough with that the point of self-judgment within it and can therefore start seeing what is actually going on.
So the point that has opened up is a point of ego. Already the self-judgment is ‘here’. I am not going to Allow self-judgment to control me. The self-judgment was a point of seeing that such a seemingly small point has had an offset into oblivion. But it has and it did and I was the one that was doing it. I am always ‘the one doing it’. This whole ‘thing’ is stemming from one singular moment where I ‘slipped’ in my application. I have walked through it many times. What really happened? What ‘made me’ ‘fall’? – I DID. I MADE ME FALL. I FELL ME. I became the fall, the falling. I Accepted the Fall, I instigated the fall, I wanted the fall. I made me fall. So enough of that. That is not what I am here to talk about. I am here to talk about a point of ego. Because within that falling, I could have, at any point cached ‘the ball’, the ball that is myself and said: STOP! I could have Directed myself to STOP. But I did not. Instead I 1) went along ‘for the ride’ by simply accepting the premises and the experience and 2) I made the experience more than what it was by judging myself. What is so fascinating is that I was already judging myself before hand, so there is nothing new about that. Even now as I write, there is this sense, that I should be able to write better, more profound (note: that I used to) that is the ego-point. That is the point where I sincerely fucked myself way up, because through that I had to keep going with the lie. Otherwise I would blow my own cover. None of this is news, but that doesn’t matter because I require of myself to write it out, so that I can get it straight. The ‘tools’ I have used to fuck myself up with has also been old familiar patterns. Mind-Structures that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be enslaved within, by and as and that I clearly did not Direct and Stop, because otherwise I would not have Allowed myself to be possessed, to loop, to fall or whatever I can call this ‘experience’ that I have been having the last 8 months. It is interesting because the word ‘experience’ has been flashing a lot lately. A word I use to describe how I exist. But there is a certain distance to it, something that is not really happening, but only happening like being in a movie or being a bystander to something – certainly not the creator of myself, for whatever I Accept and manifest myself as. Gotta slow down. I very easily ‘go into’ (that is another experience-type phrase of distance) a point of ego, where I write to be seen and heard and applauded. So the way to work with it, is to slow the hell down so that I can see what I am doing, one step at the time, make sure that I don’t fuck with myself. Back to the point of ego. So the moment occurred, like a temptation and I gripped onto it. And in any moment after that I could have Stopped. But I did not, because I was proud. Because I was ashamed of what I had done. Because I did not want to Stop. And the rest of it has been accumulation upon accumulation, repeating the same cycle over and over again, until it seemed that nothing else existed. I have been wondering where polarity has been, because from my ‘conscious experience’ (whatever the hell that is) everything has been dead-end negatives. Then I realized that the positive aspect was in two points: 1) the point of projecting myself back through the past, in idolizing a self-image and literally comparing myself now to an image of myself then, how absurd that may seem. But at the same time it is perfectly ‘normal’ because it is what people do when they talk about ‘the good old days’. I have just never before been in that position. I have always run from and towards something, never actually wanting to go back. For the first time, I do. I want to go back to that moment and stop myself. But that is not possible and I have to face the consequences.2) The pleasure I have experienced within ‘the escape’ which is basically based on the idea that if I ignore myself long enough, I will go away.
It is all the moments after that one moment of not Directing myself, where I did not stop and where I instead kept going, even though I knew that I was destroying myself. So it was a point of pride. Not wanting to face what I had done in that one singular moment and from then on running like hell (in my mind) to not have to Stop and face myself. And now, I not only have to face that moment itself, but all the accumulated moments after that, where I kept allowing myself to compromise and back out. It has been costly. And it has not been worth it, not a damn.