The word that tests out as the priority point is ‘German’ –

I see German as strict, sadistic, past evil, depressive environment, compensating for past mistakes by being ‘extra open’ now, dark past, stuck in the past, guilt, sadistic woman/man

The relevant definitions that I am working with in this session is ‘past evil’, ‘depressive environment’, ‘compensating for past mistakes by being ‘extra open’ now’

Okay so this is the basis of how I have justified my ‘fall’ – that what I have Accepted and Allowed cannot be forgiven, the regret of not being able to change the past. And I have allowed myself to keep falling and keep falling through this. Here I am going to Support myself to Stand through exposing myself. I have Allowed myself to exist within and as a personality that enjoys Self-Abuse. The evil past is obviously this, which I have seen as evil, but also every point where I have part-taken in the evils of this world. What happened last week was that I was finally Breathing, Applying Self-Forgiveness and slowly getting into writing again. Then all the points of how I have deserted started coming up. Actually this has been ever present, thinking about how disgusting I am to sit here, with all the luxury in the world, feeling sorry for myself, inventing flaws that are entirely irrelevant to not have to Stand, when people are literally Living in Hell out there. Knowing that I was Standing at a point of actually taking Responsibility for the World as myself, then to abandon Everything and Everyone for my own little bubble of horror and perverted pleasure. Because there is a perverted pleasure in it, perverted because it feels good to be bad, something like that. Knowing that what I am doing, is literally pissing on everyone else and then actually feeling good about it – talk about exposing evil. And within this wondering, what is it the System wants? Why did we create ourselves like this? So Germany has an evil past, where they did unforgivable things and I have actually often felt annoyed that the holocaust was so often brought up again, justified through the saying that we should never forget it to prevent it from happening again, even though there are things going on now that are just as horrific. And then Germany in the 80’s, the Christiane F image with the depressive suburbs and freeways, like a punishment or like a mark of the beast to remind them of what they have done, to Germany now, which I have seen as a hip place of openness.  So this description is of me – The evil acts of self-interest, the punishment into depression and the compensation by being open and outgoing and on the beat. But when I look at myself straight on, it is all excuses and I cannot believe how I have Allowed this – yet it is clearly me, myself who have walked myself into this, every step of the way. It does not matter if it has been through Resonant possessions or patterns being triggered – None of that is relevant for this point, because the point is that I have done it. And that I have done it, because of what? The odd thing is that there is no logical answer to that. All the answers are excuses. That I did not want to change, well who cares? That I did not believe I could change? That I did not deserve to Change? That it was too late to Change? The signature of this possession or mind-fuck or personality or entity or whatever the fuck it is, is that of a sneaky fox or an eel, it is so smooth, saying ‘I don’t need to do that’, ‘I smoke a cigarette’, ‘I watch a movie instead of writing’ – even now as I write this, can I feel the pull of it. The strength of this entity, the ‘life’ of it as me, is totally my Responsibility – I have Allowed it every step of the way. And what I feel mostly ashamed and sick about, is how it feels good – It literally feels good. And I cannot but see the analogy to for example paedophiles or sadistic serial killers or actually the feeling I have gotten many times, seeing a story in the news paper about some girl being abducted and abused – it feels good. And then because it is so horrid, I have checked myself out, gone into complete Suppression so that I do not have to face myself and ultimately so that I don’t have to change, but can remain as ‘this’ – which is absurd to say the least. Why would anyone want to exist like this? And obviously this is not me alone – this is so many people, doing one thing or another that they know are abusive, but doing it anyway, because it makes them feel good.  It is important to this point that it feels good – because that is the ‘real evil’ that I see in it – In the beginning I was not even aware that it felt good, because I Suppressed it and later on I defended it through feeling guilty and like I was controlled by some foreign entity. But in the end, it simply felt good. The acts themselves are relevant because of how I experience myself within them – Basically I feel safe when I do it. And it has to be the correct constellation for it to work and it only works as long as all components are within order. So within these actions specifically I experience and define within my mind that I am taking a Stand for evil – Specifically because of the point of not ‘doing what I am supposed to’ and because of the self-abuse there is inherent within it. There is also an aspect of it where I am holding myself back, not sharing or giving, but keeping myself to myself – actually this seems to be an important aspect of it. And this is me by permission – no matter what else is involved of structural design points that would suggest how I did not have a chance, it does not change the fact that I am my Responsibility – and because I am my Responsibility, I am also my own power. It has gone to the point of full-on possession, where I don’t even exist anymore – all that exists, is this pattern. I am this pattern. Something I find fascinating, but also obviously extremely sad, and which might actually be my point of break-through, is that this is not about some external influence of ‘The Matrix’, like falling in love or desiring success – It is a self-invented bubble with extremely limited movement within the pattern and I can see exactly where it will ‘lead me’ – this is obviously only within the pattern. I do not see anything else besides it. But within the pattern, if I keep letting it posses me, and keep allowing myself to be it, I will Suppress and Abuse myself until I die. And I Realize that this is what people do. When we see fat people or alcoholics on the street, they are under the same ‘spell’ that I have been on, caught in this web, created carefully through their own personal elements and memories and self-acceptances and definitions – but obviously all part of a larger system – which is so utterly absurd. It is a Eating myself Alive Pattern. So the pattern itself is the Evil Past Me which I have held onto as a trap, from there into depression and justification and from there into compensation as a cover up – Hide and cover your tracks. The other day I stopped in a moment, realizing that this is who I am, because I have Allowed it. And this is who I will ever be, unless I Stop. And the Stopping has scared me so much – which is what was also happening last week – Walking into the same door again. The inevitable door, where I Allow me to Exist without a security net, without addictions, in Actual Self-Responsibility Allowing myself to SEE. There is no way this is gonna go, except around without Self-Forgiveness. That is clear. Because it is the anger, regret, depression, guilt, shame that I have used to trap and deceive myself with. Those are the real excuses – not the acts of ‘misconduct’. Getting to a point of Equality, where I can do anything, because I know that I Stand for what is Best for All no matter what is like the ultimate point of Self-Trust and I have had slight experiences of it, firstly by seeing others do it. Seeing them doing the exact same act as me, yet where I was doing it from self-abuse, they were doing it in Self-Direction and Unconditional Self-Trust. The one thing that is clear – is that everything I can come up with as a reason not to Stand – is a Lie. Forgiving the unforgivable – that is the Solution. So back to Germany – I did not have any problems forgiving Hitler, or not even experienced a need to, although I never quite agreed with him on the ways he conducted his politics. So if Hitler could forgive himself – so can I. I have held onto this judgment o
f myself that I am the worst Human being possibly in Existence, which is what many would say about Hitler and what is interesting is that I had this experience already before this ‘fall’. So thereby indicated that it is the pattern itself, as the backdoor and the Self-Deception scheme that is the point – The ‘fall’ is merely the consequence of what I had already Allowed ,of what I had already Accepted as myself. ‘The Fallen’.  This is another interesting point, because there is a circle back to when I first started participating with Desteni, where I was cycling the same pattern. So it is a prime pattern – not that that really matters either. What matters is how I have used it literally to ‘make myself fall’, literally ‘make’ and how I am going to Stand up from it. Because if one thing is clear, it is that it is totally unacceptable. What ever else happens, this is not how I will Accept myself to Exist. To me now, Equal Money is simply logic – not some grand solution of salvation. And it does not have to be. I do not have to want to change – that is the point exactly. Who am I? But I don’t want to change, I don’t want to Stand up. I don’t want to watch these videos, they make me feel sick. I don’t want to do Sub4Sub, I don’t want to stop smoking. Doesn’t matter what I want – when what I want is so fucking stupid. I just want to be left alone, have sex with children, become a porn queen and get butt fucked and smoke dope and watch actions movies  and eat pizzas– well who doesn’t? Probably lot’s of people, but my point is that this is exactly what Self-Will and Self-Direction is all about. And I cannot allow it to be a war – because that is exactly the same. And this is where Common Sense comes in. If I look at it logically the problem is that I have allowed myself to become possessed to the extend, where I have (deliberately cunningly) made it difficult for myself to get out/stop – and then I have gone to the other end of the extreme in an attempt to ‘fix it’ – which is what Germany is now, trying to over-compensate by going full-on to the level of Application that I find Acceptable for someone who is trying to take Responsibility for All of Existence, yet completely missing the point, going into ego and superiority and then into fear because the ‘foundation’ of the sky rise that I am apparently busy building, is build from mud and random sparks of ‘motivation’ and ‘clarity’. And I am literally back where I started – I am evil, I feel guilty, I smoke, I eat and I watch tv. What is dangerous is that I now have the ‘Desteni words’, which means that I can fuck with Everyone and Fuck with myself in my attempt of either ‘fixing it’ or compensating or basically trying to convince everyone else that I have changed and that I am a ‘good guy’ now – total Self-Deception. And it was revealed (thankfully) in that point, where I did not Stand by my words at all. What I did last week, was Real – It was me. But I did not take into account how possessive the possession is and how easily I give into the slightest notion of being ‘on top’ again from having Experiencing myself at the bottom for so long. So what is important is that I Walk this, Real time – Me Here, Alive, no short cuts. And I know what to do. And I know that I have accumulated a lot of unnecessary shit and now as I say that, I get the ‘Suppress me’ ‘call’ from ‘the inner’ telephone of horror – saying ‘Nope, it is unforgivable, there is nothing you can do’ – Well, hell no! I don’t give a shit. Not running away. Because there is nowhere to run to – just same old, same old Self-Abuse and madness. But back to the point, the point was that I have now accumulated more shit, that was totally unnecessary and I did not want to Stand and I see that as the worst act of Evil there possibly is – but there is only One Single Solution to it – Which is to Stand. And I don’t Stand for some noble cause to save the world – well there is the aspect of all the people Suffering, which is totally unacceptable and unnecessary but they too, are a consequence of what I have Accepted and Allowed. They too are a part of it. It is odd, because I can easily identify with the evil fuckers of the world like the elite or the serial killers or the paedophiles, but I am having a harder time identifying with people who are Suffering. Meaning, I do not see where I am Suffering – Well, that is probably because it is physical – and I do feel pain, lots of it, and obviously the more I make myself clear – the more pain I experience. That is interesting actually, because that indicates that my image of ‘them’ as ‘victims’ holds no ground – There is however the desperation of being caught in a situation that you can’t get out of, but it is almost like I over-identify with that. That is the other side of their Suffering, which is obviously affecting the physical and causing pain indirectly – but that is the ‘mental experience’ – being completely and utterly trapped. Maybe you are not even angry – you just want it to end. You just want a chance. And then their dreams are what makes it so emotionally painful for them – to have these dreams and fantasies about a better life – that simply never comes true. And this is what I have wanted to Suppress and thereby have refused to take Responsibility for – That they are there, unable to do anything and here I am, able to do everything, even take Responsibility for their situation – yet fucking it up on a fucking whim. On fucking wanting fucking comfort and fucking free choice and a fucking personality, and fucking not having to take responsibility for anything, let alone myself. This is the point of unforgiveness – lol – it is funny because unforgiveness does not exist in the dictionary and then I was about to add it to my dictionary in word and I realized that there is no reason for that word to exist.

  • So – letting go of the ‘past evil’ because it is nothing but an excuse and a trap, holding on to the past to not Change.
  • Letting go of ‘the depressive environment’ of and as myself as another excuse and ‘consequence’ of keeping the ‘evil’ ‘alive’
  • Stopping the compensation for evil, because there is no evil  – I let go and then I Stand
  • Untrapping/untwining myself from this Self-Deception

Self-Forgiveness Self-Support

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to use smoking as the symbol of my apparent ‘Fall’

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept ‘Falling’ as real and valid

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to make ‘Falling’ Real and Valid through my participation, permission and allowance of ‘Falling’ as real and valid

I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Realize that I have used the idea of ‘Falling’ as an excuse not to Stand

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to manifest myself as ‘Falling’ through having Accepted myself as ‘Falling’ as Real and Valid

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to ‘Fall’ within stopping smoking as a symbol of Standing up for Life

I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Forgive myself for haven ‘Fallen’

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept it as possible and probable that I would ‘Fall’ – thus having used ‘Falling’ as a backdoor not to Change and Stand up in Self-Honesty an honour of Life

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself as ‘weak’ and thereby justifying why I have ‘Fallen’

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to make ‘Standing’ and ‘Falling’ a matter of faith, belief and feeling – thus having understood ‘Standing’ and ‘Falling’ only from a one-dimensional self-permeated Mind-Fuck

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to create a self-permeated religion based on the ideas about ‘Standing’ and ‘Falling’ from a perspective of morality, polarity emotions and thus energy – accepting only that which ‘feels right’

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe only that which ‘feels right’

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be Directed, Dictated and Controlled by emotions and feelings

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear letting go of emotions and feelings, having believed, because of having held onto past experiences, that I must protect myself within and as emotions and feelings

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to bind myself to ‘past evil’ and ‘past mistakes’ as ‘unforgivable’ and I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe this to be true, while in fact it was self-manipulation from the perspective of not changing

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to manipulate and  deceive myself deliberately to trap myself in an apparent ‘impossible’ situation that I am not able to Stand up from, when it is actually not so in Fact

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to manipulate and deceive myself to not have to change

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself as ‘Evil’

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience righteousness within accepting myself as ‘evil

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to create separation within having made ‘Standing’ and ‘Falling’ a matter of morality, thus having projected the principles onto an idea in my mind of what is right and wrong

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to hold onto a definition of myself as ‘evil’

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself as ‘evil’ in spite of a projected external moral authority of ‘Standing’  – that in fact was an idea in my mind

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to go into, accept, permit and allow myself to participate in and manifest depression and a state of being depressed as a way of compensating and repenting for being ‘evil’ and as a ‘consequence’ of having Accepted myself as ‘Falling’

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I have to ‘want to’ Change and Stand up in order to be able to, when in fact Changing and Standing up is only possible when I Direct and Will myself to Change and Stand

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to create an entity that I have experienced, defined and accepted as myself, based on not having been willing to Change, fearing Change and letting go – and I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to within that, having Accepted, defined and Lived according to an idea of what is ‘Evil’ and what is ‘unforgivable’

I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Face my own Self-Dishonesty

I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Face my own Self-Abuse as Abuse, but instead having experienced and defined Self-Abuse as ‘freedom’ from being controlled by others

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience frustration that I am not as clear as I have been before

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to regret having accumulated shit that was absolutely unnecessary, simply based on fearing to change  and accepting this fear as valid, thus having trapped myself in self-dishonesty and thus having diminished myself in the process

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to use self-abuse directly, specifically as a validation for my apparent ‘Fall’ and thus as a backdoor and justification for not Changing and Standing up in Self-Honesty and Self-Direction

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to use self-abuse, specifically through smoking, eating, sleeping, watching tv, bullying myself mentally and in general suppressing myself as a justification and backdoor to not have to Change, Face myself and Stand up as Life

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deceive and convince myself into believing that the process of Stopping the Mind and taking back Self-Responsibility through Self-Honesty, Self-Forgiveness and Self-Writing is too ‘long’/’complicated’ and immense and thereby justifying giving up on myself, as though I can escape having to face myself in Self-Honesty and take Self-Responsibility – when his is exactly what we are Here for, finally and we wont ‘leave’ until it is done

I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to let go and stop defining and Accepting myself according to from and as the past

I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to let go and stop defining and Accepting myself based on memories of past experiences and self-definitions

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself  to Accept and define myself according to, from and as the past

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and believe that the process of Standing up in Self-Honesty, Self-Forgiveness and Self-Investigation is ‘too hard’ and ‘too difficult’ and I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to within that having believed that giving up on myself is ‘the easy way out’ – when in fact it is clear that I within having accepted this, have done nothing but prolong the Suffering and Abuse

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to prolong Suffering and Abuse based on Self-Deception and abdication of Self-Honesty, Self-Will, Self-Direction, Self-Forgiveness and Self-Responsibility

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself in and as Self-Abuse as myself

I forgive myself that I have Not Accepted and Allowed myself  to Stand Equal to and as myself as Self-Abuse – and instead having deceived myself into believing that it was others that was abusing me and that the abuse I inflicted on myself was not abuse at all, but ‘self-liberation’ and ‘pleasure’ and ‘safety’

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to project the Self-Abuse I have inflicted on myself, onto others as separate from me, thus having Separated myself from the Self-Abuse I have inflicted on myself through my own permission, thus having abdicated Self-Direction and Self-Authority in having created the Self-Abuse myself and in justifying myself to Abuse myself through Accepting and Allowing myself to Submit, Self-Deceive and Self-Abdicate myself to self-abuse, thus having validated why I am not able to Change and within that, having Accepted that I have no power or control of myself and can thus not be held accountable or Responsible, even though I am the Creator of myself and of my experience and Acceptance of myself

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience/define/judge/perceive myself as ‘unforgivable’

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deceive myself into justifying an Acceptance of myself as ‘unforgivable’ and ‘unforgiving’ of myself

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to hold Self-Forgiveness from myself

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to hold Self-Direction from myself

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to hold Standing up from myself

I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately deceive myself into believing that I cannot be ‘forgiven’ – thus having placed ‘forgiveness’ outside, Separate from me – indicating that I am not Responsible of myself, thus requiring someone else to forgive me – instead of Giving me back to me – giving me back to Life – Giving Life back to me standing Equal and One as Self-Forgiveness

I Allow myself to let go of the past

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