Session notes 15/01/01 – Part 1
Resistance towards writing self-forgiveness – with the experience of it being something ‘I should do’, ‘have to do’ and then rebel against by not doing it.
Writing out the background of the Pattern:
I remember it from when I was very young maybe 3 or 4. In kindergarten we met every morning and was allowed to chose what we wanted to do for the day. When some activities were full, we had to chose something else. I always wanted to do the same, which was 3-4 activities that were either based on physical action or social role-playing. I also liked drawing, but that was more an in between activity. What I specifically did not like, was sitting still and being specific and focused working on a project. We often had to do these presents for our parents when a holiday was coming up, and I was not very good at cutting or drawing at a straight line. Because I was not good at it, I did not want to do it. The whole thing was an experience of pressure. So I always chose the physical activities when I could. One day one of the adults said that today I had to sit down and work with making a key chain out of knots.
I remember this massive resistance towards it, especially the time it would take to do it. I saw the whole thing as being completely unnecessary. I remember blaming and being angry at the adult for forcing me to do this. I kept trying to get out of it, but she was persistent and finally I got the key chain done.
I did not understand in any way what so ever, that they were doing this to assist me in being specific, focused and consistent. Instead I experienced it as being forced upon me, as a punishment for being how and who I was – and I experienced anxiety with the whole point of having to sit still.
This is now opening up another total dimension of the point, of experience anxiety in being still and quiet. It has been as if I have been running away from something my whole Life and that I am faced with it in situations like this one.
I don’t know if this is valid or not, so I am just throwing it out there – that this is a memory of being a small child without language and then applying language as a way of splitting myself into pieces, deliberately to hide from myself, from my actual physical experiences, and thus creating a personality as one dimension, from which I manage myself to survive in this world, while my inner is actual split in thousands of pieces.
That which I fear – sitting still and being focused, consistent, brings up my actual experience of myself within anxiety and an inner shaking, so I do not experience sitting still and being focused and consistent as something I do for me, as it results in an uncomfortable experience, where I stop running and am now faced with the actual feeling of running inside me, and what I am running from.
The construct of this pattern:
Utilizing a past pattern triggered by the idea of self-forgiveness in writing as ‘something I have to do’ and thus placing it within the energetic experience as something ‘I do not want to do’ – wherein I have justified my resistance towards doing it to hide from the fact that I have feared facing myself and my experience of myself. Within this I have also started to compare myself to self-forgiveness in separation of me as ‘something I have to do’ and compared myself to others that are applying self-forgiveness in writing.
Self-forgiveness on resistance of applying Self-Forgiveness in writing based on the idea of self-forgiveness in writing as a ‘chore’ as ‘boring’ – defined as ‘something I have to do’ which then leads to the experience that I ‘don’t want to do it’ and thus being righteous towards not doing it, based on the belief that I am protecting myself from a ‘bad’ experience, justified by the belief that it is others that are forcing me to do something. Which is in fact so, as the pattern is based on a defense that I developed to avoid facing my actual experience of myself.
No mentioning here of Actual Self-forgiveness, as this is related to me bringing ‘self-forgiveness’ into the pre-programmed patterns that I am already playing out. So it was ‘good’ as something I wanted to ‘aspire’ or ‘ascend’ to. Because that was the ‘path’ I was following.
Checking the point through muscle-communication: is this clear?
1. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and comply to a resistance towards applying self-forgiveness in writing, and instead having made excuses for myself as to why it is ok for me to not apply self-forgiveness
2. I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to think and participate in thoughts about applying self-forgiveness in writing
3. I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to create ideas about self-forgiveness in writing as something I should to, have to do – basically as a school
4. I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to associate self-forgiveness in writing as something I am obligated to do instead of doing it for myself unconditionally
5. I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to sabotage self-forgiveness for myself by create ideas about what self-forgiveness is separate from me, as something I have to do
6. I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to justify not applying self-forgiveness in writing based on the idea that it is something that I have to do because I have to
7. I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to separate myself from writing self-forgiveness, based on the idea that it is something that I have to do
8. I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to keep not writing self-forgiveness and thus compound the resistance I have experienced towards it and thus I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately keep justifying for myself not applying self-forgiveness, based on the energetic experience of resistance based on the idea that it is something that I should or have to do
9. I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear what would happen if I did not write out self-forgiveness
10. I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to create ideas about not writing self-forgiveness and having seen myself as being bad and dishonest as bad, instead of simply seeing the consequences of what I am doing – that I become unclear, self-defeated and diminish, because I no longer have Directed myself and have allowed myself to experience self-forgiveness as a ‘chore’.
11. I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to enter a pattern of resisting and complying to a resistance within justification of not wanting to do something that I consider a ‘chore’ or an obligation
12. I forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to simply change my starting-point within writing self-forgiveness and thus Direct myself to make sure that I am forgiving me for me and not for anyone or anything else.
13. I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resist actually forgiving myself
14. I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to hold onto my self-dishonesty, out of fear of facing myself and thus having allowed the information to compound, in which I have allowed myself to diminish and become completely untrustworthy to myself
15. I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I had to trust self-forgiveness as this magic tool outside of me
16. I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fuck myself up by having applied self-forgiveness in writing from the starting-point of doing it for something, someone else – and thus face the consequences of that now, where I experience massive resistance and very easily justify for myself not writing out self-forgiveness
17. I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to blame self-forgiveness in writing for being un-effective, when I know for a fact that that is not so, as I have experienced how I have strengthened and cleared myself through writing self-forgiveness
18. I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to create the idea that I am not worthy of, good enough at applying self-forgiveness and within that create an energetic experience of defeat in which I turn against that which I find myself unable to do, in this case self-forgiveness, so that I do not have to face myself and take responsibility for myself
19. I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to blame self-forgiveness in writing for being too boring, too specific, too structured for me to apply in Self-Direction, when in fact this is not so, as I have done it before, and thus I see that this experience is based on the fact that I have placed self-forgiveness into an idea of it being a ‘chore’, as ‘homework’ – and thus having placed it into a predefined belief causing me to have the experience of resistance and that it is boring and something I am obligated to do – to get somewhere
20. I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to apply self-forgiveness in complete self-dishonesty and self-denial which is now coming back to bite me in the ass, as I have not trusted myself to actually do it within self-direction and self-honesty
21. I forgive myself that I because I have Accepted and Allowed myself to create an idea and a belief about self-forgiveness as being a ‘chore’, defined as boring, have allowed myself to access a pattern, wherein I justify not applying myself and thus finding myself being righteous in not applying myself, because of the belief that this is something I am doing for something and someone else and thus that I am forced to do it and because I do not want to be controlled by anything or anyone else, I have the right to resist and rebel
22. I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to place self-forgiveness through the idea and the belief that it is a ‘chore’ within the pattern of being forced to do something boring by someone else and thus use this as a justification for not applying self-forgiveness, when in fact I have within doing so, hidden and denied the actual origin of me not applying self-forgiveness in writing, which is based on me not believing that I am not worthy or capable of writing self-forgiveness efficiently and specific and because I simply did not want to face, deal with or stop my dishonesty
Checking this point through muscle-communication:
Is there any of these self-forgiveness points I am required to expand on to clear this point and move on to self-corrective statements and application?
YES – sentence number 22 – line 3 – the words ‘someone else’.
23. I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to within this having blamed the adults in my kindergarten for forcing me to do something boring, which essentially was based on me trying to avoid facing the anxiety I was experiencing that I then interpreted as being boring and thus blamed the adults for ‘making me do’ – when it was in fact my experience of myself that I resisted because of the nature of the activity which was sitting still and being focused.
24. I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to blame Bernard and what I perceive as being ‘those’ that have invented self-forgiveness in writing for making it so ‘boring’ and ‘school-like’ and thus blaming that on me not doing it, instead of taking Responsibility for and Directing myself within my initial experience of resistance towards applying self-forgiveness in writing and in the origin point of fear of facing myself
25. I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to blame and judge self-forgiveness in writing as being ‘boring’ and for within this, not having seen that I am using the experience of ‘boring’ as an excuse to hide the actual point which is the fear of facing myself.
26. I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to define and experience self-forgiveness as a ‘chore’ and within that inherently have the experience of self-forgiveness as being ‘boring’ and something that is forced upon me, that I have to do to fit in/be good based on what the ‘adults wants me to do’ and thus within this creating a polarity counter-effect, where I will on one side justify my resistance through the belief that ‘no one should tell me what to do’ especially backed up by the experience of discomfort and bore and on the other side, comparing myself to self-forgiveness and blaming myself for being incapable of living up to ‘my obligations’.
27. I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to let this point compound for so long, that it has become unbearable for me to be around myself and I have allowed myself to ‘regress’ into a state of mind, where I just wanted to stop existing and be left alone
Checking this point through muscle-communication:
Is there any of these self-forgiveness points I am required to expand on to clear this point and move on to self-corrective statements and application? NO.
Is this point Clear? YES
Checking this point through muscle-communication:
Are there any words within this that require a redefinition? YES
Checking this point through muscle-communication: through testing the list of possible words that are requiring redefinition
Process of defining the word
Sound: Sure – See – Are
See what is required to be done and do it
When I write self-forgiveness, I do it for me – I push through resistance as I am aware that resistance is a point of limitation based on holding onto ideas and beliefs in my mind.
I stand Equal to my mind, as how I have created and accepted myself within patterns, words, symbols and limitation and thus I Direct myself in and through any point, until it is clear.
When I experience that I have to do something, I remind myself that this is based on the idea of a ‘chore’ that is holding an energetic charge, in which I remind myself that this is a pattern and that it is based on an idea in my mind and thus is not real.
A chore is simply seeing what is required to be done and do it.