Two days in the hole – It sounds like a prison movie, where I was the guy that stabbed the other guy with a fork in the neck, getting two days of isolation in a dungeon because of it – at least I have seen that in a movie once. Goes to show that there are still movies in my head – Still voices that I have believed to be myself. The difference between existing in the Mind and not existing in the Mind is profound – Well I cannot actually say that I have existed without the Mind, but in terms of being in Breath, not being controlled by the thoughts and emotions and then to the full-on possessed state of Mind-Fuckedness beyond Mind-Fuckedness, there is quite the difference. Something that is fascinating is that in thinking about stopping the Mind and what it will be like, I have had these undefined fantasises, while in Fact, not being in the Mind simply means Being Here – Where I have been all along. I was thinking yesterday about how we Created ourselves to this point. And I don’t think that it was absolutely deliberate for us to get Here – It was more a progress towards more and more Greed, Desire, Fear and thus Separating ourselves more and more and more into all these confined ideas and images of Mind to keep ourselves trapped – But this was not the plan from the beginning. Another point that is fascinating is the Brutal Simplicity of the situation in which Everything that I Participate in that is not Here, in the Physical, while I am Breathing, One and Equal, Best for All – Is Bullshit and Distractions, Deception and Manipulation. Manipulation is to twist things deliberately to get it the way you want it. I have done that a lot and I have found it hard to Face myself within it (obviously manipulating) because I took the word very personally, Manipulate, Dishonest and Deception – Instead of Seeing the utter simplicity that if it were not for the Acceptance of myself within and as these components, Life would not Exist the way it does. I cannot get around them – It is what it is. There is nothing left but Standing up – I am an expert on Falling, who is not?
At this stage, I require Absolute Specificity of myself, because otherwise I fall and I fall and I fall, before I hardly get to Stand up. I have loads of future projections about what I should do and who I should be and none of the matter – because I am Here. And I am Here as What I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be. What I require of myself is Self-Honesty as the Basic Starting-Point. I am ‘back’ at the point where I don’t give a shit – The moves are still there and so are the words, but the starting-point is not and that makes me a robot, a tool. I can be jerked around and used by anything and anyone – Because that is what I have Accepted as myself. This is a point of Integrity. Something I find interesting is that I have looked at Ann and her application and it has been pissing me off how she does not listen and take the Support that is given. I have seen posts from here as far as three years back, where she is in the exact same mind-set as she is now. This of course is going nowhere but back to myself, because what frustrated me with Ann and I see that this is the point of being Abusers, is that it is Deliberate – Obviously the conscious version will not see that, but it is how we Deceive and I have done exactly the same. What I see her doing, what I have been doing is holding on to myself as a fucking special point of Personality instead of letting go, allowing myself to be vulnerable and finally Standing up. It is fucking evil in the sense that it is like waving a steak in front of a starving person – that steak being personality and starting-point. Right now I have a thudding headache. I will write some Self-Forgiveness and take a walk and sort this point out. I will be back….
- Get Real – Feet on the Ground
- Let go of Personality for fuck sake
- I am Here