Social Survival Strategies
I looked forward to starting in school age6. Coming there was quite the shock to me. I had been looking forward to begin to learn and now I was one of the big kids and instead I found myself way down the food chain. I had been more or less comfortable with myself and with my expression  before that, but starting in school brought a whole new bitter level to life. I was alone and I was in the world now. The overall basic experience since then, was that life was a fight. I wanted to be taken serious by my teachers and by the older students. At the same time, I wanted to be accepted by my peers. At some point I started getting teased for the clothes I was wearing. I started becoming self-conscious, but the point of fashion was no where near my mind at that stage. The basic experience was that I simply didn’t get it. One of the most prominent memories is of a situation, where I am around 8-9 years old and standing in a group in break time. I wanted to participate in the conversation, but I constantly found that I did not have the ‘flow’ of humor. I would say things at the wrong time and everyone would stare at me or I would say something ‘off-beat’ and they would laugh. I decided then and there that no matter what I would learn the ‘timing’ of a social conversation. What is also interesting is that I was not preoccupied with the content at all, which is probably why I did not ‘get it’ in the first place – because I was focused on the structure, who was standing where, where was I standing, who was leaving, who listened? Stuff like that. Many years later, timing and saying the right things at the right time, became my force at to some extend ‘real’, but simply in the matter that I finally ‘automated’ it to a personality – specifically developed and designed with the purpose of fitting into a group. At bit later, when the point of boys opened up for real, I was constantly afraid that the boy would not find me cool enough. Interesting that I had not quite gotten the point about looks at that stage. And I found myself entirely submissive to the boys that I liked – I was in any way un-worthy and had to do everything in my power to ‘earn’ their attention. It was my job, my life-challenge. Then after they gave in and actually fell in love or committed themselves, I lost interest. It was always about the fight. My own integrity and well-being was virtually non-existing. I did not care about myself. For a long time I literally thought that there was something wrong with me, because I did not have a sense of humor. I did not seem to have the inter-action level that other people had, where they were enjoying themselves – I was in a state of self-consciousness and interested in the mechanisms that made social situations work. I was interested in the structure of these situations and it made it difficult for me to participate and it was something that took me years to learn to a somewhat satisfying degree. Playing with another child just the two was easier for me than being in a group because it was always more occupied with the dynamics of the group than what was happening. The reason why this is relevant, is because I both at work and in school have noticed that I ‘change’ – I go into a type of survival mode, where I shut Self-Honesty and Self-Awareness off and simply focus on being liked and being seen as cool. I also learned to Suppress myself within an experience of pushing myself forward/surviving  A side-note that is fascinating here is that some people actually pick up on this and thus it back-fires on me, but others do not and accept my picture-presentation. It also seems that the one’s that do not are generally people (mostly men) that are more reserved and self-sufficient, not as occupied with fitting into the group, basically more self-honest people and those are the people I want to impress the most, which is quite impossible. The others are more likely people who have their own or the same point and therefore participate.  I will dress according to this. I will eat according to this. I will speak a certain way, do my job a certain way and participate in school activities a certain way – all of it is obviously happening within a make-belief world in my mind, all though some is also taken place on a interactionistic level, where others participate and influence and are influenced.  Another point within this that has been prominent is the split between men and women , wherein I have been focused on boys and then men  – what I see now is that I had the impression that boys were cool, when they seemed self-sufficient, self-confident and thus I believed that if I could get a boy like that, I would be in the lime-light with him and I needed to get the best boy, the one that were best at this. (he would be the one that were best at surviving socially as well as physically). This is not as specified anymore, although I experience certain reactions to certain impressions in me of expressions.
Scenario at work where this played out:
I want them to respect me and take me serious – so I tell them that I don’t smoke or drink and that I have to get home to work on this NGO (Desteni)
Then I fear that they will not find me cool because I don’t drink and that is threatening their drinking. They might think that I think I am better than them (which I have) and so I stayed even though I wanted to go home
Beliefs/definitions/constructs based on this:
I cannot trust myself
Life cannot be trusted
Others cannot be trusted
I have to fight to survive
I am in a competition with others
I am an idiot – no one must know – I have to become cool
I am cool
I have to learn how to time and be intelligent to survive
Experiences/Consequences
Fear of being exposed as ‘off’/stupid
Confirming/bullying myself in being an idiot
Cannot relax and be myself without the level of Self-Consciousness
Compromising Self-Honesty to fit it/be liked – not be laughed at
Not Accepting myself – Always chasing others
Not caring for anything or anyone
Suppressing my actual experience
1.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience, define, judge and Accept that there was/is something ‘wrong
’ with me, because I did not fall naturally into conversations and social events
2.       I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to realize, see and consider that everyone has this experience of it not being natural and thus that it is not defining or describing me in any way
3.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in being ashamed of myself when I was not ‘timed’ and ‘flowing naturally’ in conversations with others and instead was preoccupied with how I felt and with what was going on a ‘Resonant’ level
4.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to secretively define myself as ‘better than’ the others for ‘seeing behind the scene’ , when in fact I did as everyone else did and do, gave into the situation and let the system run – none of us was ‘there’ – it as all system
5.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience, define, judge and Accept myself as ‘a freak’ and as being ‘over sensitive’ (someone else’s expression) towards social situations and for taking things way to serious
6.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience, define, judge and Accept myself as ‘an idiot’ and as ‘not cool’ because timing and humor did not come ‘naturally’ to me and therefore having Accepted that there was something wrong with me
7.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I was the only one experiencing myself like this, ‘uncomfortable’ and ‘unnatural ‘ in these social situations specifically in groups, when in fact everyone (or most) have this experience, with it being based on Survival and being Fake as a System
8.       I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to be authentic  and in believing that who I was when I was Honest and Authentic was/is ‘an idiot’
9.       I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept myself as ‘an idiot’
10.   I forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Suppress myself and to Submit myself to Surviving by being Fake, based on the experience of the shock of coming to school unconditionally, looking forward to learn and be in the world and then experiencing the dog eat dog world of competition and comparison
11.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept competition as a Base-Line experience/condition of Existing
12.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself to compete with others
13.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear and resent break time and lunch break, because it has been within those situations where I did not know what to do with myself, where I felt pressure to ‘perform’ specified in making friends, having fun and becoming popular, all to ensure my own survival in the system and to rectify myself as ‘an idiot’ as ‘wrong’ as ‘a freak’
14.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience, define, judge and Accept myself only according to my experience of myself in a competitive social situation of being ‘off’ and ‘inadequate’ as well the experience I had of myself when I was being bullied and teased for how I was dressed
15.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience myself as uncomfortable and uneasy in social situations, specifically in groups of peers and for having experienced, defined, judged and Accepted that there is ‘something wrong’ with me because of this experience
16.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to expect myself to feel comfortable and natural in these group situations
17.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that everyone else was participating authentically, naturally and comfortably in these group-situations, instead of realizing that most people have the same experience as me, and that by not sharing and challenging these experiences, we allow ourselves and each other to be trapped in them – as fake faces
18.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to be part of the group, to experience myself as and being seen by others as cool
19.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire for others to respect me and take me seriously
20.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to suppress my starting-point of having Accepted myself as ‘wrong’, ‘stupid’, as ‘off’, as  ‘a freak’, as ‘an idiot’ because I wanted to eradicate and get away from that experience of myself, believing that if I annihilated myself from myself, I would be able to re-design myself as ‘cool’ and ‘intelligent’  – which I then did
21.   (another memory from this period pops up now that is in relation to this point, but also an entirely different point. Henriette)
22.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to try to ‘get away’ from the experience of myself as ‘wrong’, ‘stupid’,  as ‘off’, as ‘a freak’, as ‘an idiot’ while at the same time having Accepted myself as ‘wrong’, ‘stupid’,  as ‘off’, as ‘a freak’, as ‘an idiot’ and thus never getting away from this experience, no matter how much I have ‘corrected the mistake’
23.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that if/when I was able to express myself and participate with others in a ‘correct way’ according to my idea about being cool, specifically with regards to timing, humor and ‘flow’, then I would stop being ‘wrong’, ‘stupid’,  as ‘off’, as ‘a freak’, as ‘an idiot’
24.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately annihilate, suppress and push myself away, within and as Self-Honest Self-Expression as a child, because I believed that ‘Who’ I was, was a mistake, was wrong, would never fit it and thus not survive and therefore I believed I had to become someone else
25.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience, define, judge and Accept myself as a threat to my own survival, based on the experience of ‘not fitting in’ because I was looking too much behind the scene, which made it difficult for me to participate ‘naturally’ in conversations and social situations with other children and therefore having believed that I had to eradicate myself and transform myself into ‘someone’ that would be respected and seen as cool
26.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately and specifically transform  myself to the point of being perfect with timing, in saying things at the exact right time that would make people laugh  or simply respect me as cool and strong and intelligent
27.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear that people would discover ‘who’ I ‘really’ was and then would bully me, laugh at me and reject me
28.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to bully myself
29.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to ridicule myself
30.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to reject myself
31.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to define myself as ‘unworthy’
32.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept myself as ‘unworthy’
33.   I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to care for myself in fact
34.   I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to care for others in fact
35.   I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to care in fact
36.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that only by eradicating and destroying myself, would I be able to survive in social situations
37.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to eradicate and destroy myself in order to survive in social situations
38.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to experience myself as cool
39.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire for others to experience me as cool
40.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately eradicate and ridicule those that I saw as ‘weak’ because they reminded me of  my own experience of myself, which I was scared to be exposed within and as and therefore I resented when others were not able to hide their  ‘weakness’
41.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in shame of having eradicated and ridiculed others for not being ‘cool’
42.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to be cool
43.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to define being cool as being ‘indifferent’, ‘insensitive’, ‘timed’, ‘self-sufficient’ and ‘self-confident’
44.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to be uncaring and for having Accepted and defined that as ‘cool’  – as ‘elite’ and ‘best’
45.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Participate in, Create and Accept that there is such a thing as ‘cool’– which basically is a judgment of being ‘better’ than something else/someone else, being ‘Elite’ compared to something/someone else, thus being based on competition and comparison in and of the mind –  and not having anything to do with the Practical Reality
46.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Believe and Accept that having a ‘Cool Image’ is the most important thing in the whole world and that being seen/defined as cool by others, gives me points of ‘worth’ that is ensuring ‘my survival’
47.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resent myself for not being cool
48.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resent my mother for making me wear ‘uncool’ clothes
49.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resent myself for not knowing which clothes are cool
50.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resent myself for not knowing which music is cool
51.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that if I do not find a way to be cool, I will not survive
52.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to compromise myself and others to be cool
53.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself for having participated in and supported ‘cool’ as real, when it is a make-belief idea of the mind, based on fear and survival within the Acceptance of myself as Separate
54.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself for having participated in and supported ‘cool’ as real and for within that tacitly having accepted judgment as a starting-point for how I exist, how I experience myself and others
55.   I do not Accept judgment as a starting-point . The only Starting-Point that is Valid and Real, is Life Supporting Life
56.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear losing myself within the personality of being cool, based on having designed myself to perfection within timing, speaking  and expressing myself and fearing that when I stop that and myself as that, that I will be exposed as ‘an idiot’ – when all this is actually showing is that I have Accepted myself as ‘an idiot’ the whole time, but that I have suppressed it and thus  fear losing my face fake, because I fear facing how I actually have experienced myself and the fact that I have annihilated myself for a make-belief world of competition
57.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I cannot and should not trust myself, based on the shock I experienced when I entered school for the first time
58.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept that Life cannot be trusted, when in fact it is the ideas about Life that cannot be trusted and how we have shaped Life according to these ideas
59.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that others cannot be trusted, but within that basing on a hope/desire/expectation towar
ds trusting others, instead of realizing that as longs as well Accept ourselves in and as the Mind-System of Self-Interest, Survival and Fear – No one can be trusted
60.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept that I must fight to Survive
61.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I must Fight to Exist
62.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience Life, within and a Fight for Survival
63.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Fight others based on the belief that Life is a fight to Survive
64.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be shocked to discover this when I was 6 years old and for having been stuck in that shock ever since
65.   I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Challenge that which I took for granted, in and as myself, in and as others and in my relations with others and in the world
66.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Unconditionally Accept the World and The System and for having Submitted myself unconditionally into it, to fit in, Survive and satisfy the system
67.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Define, Experience and judge myself as a subject to the System
68.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to submit myself to the system, because I wanted to be cool, because I wanted to escape my experience of myself as not-cool
69.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience and participate in anger and resentment towards my mother for not having prepared me for entering school  and within that I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resent all parents for not preparing the children for entering school
70.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to Accept that I must fight and compete with others to Survive
71.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I must be the Best in order to Survive
72.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to be the Best at surviving
73.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to ‘catch’ a man that is the best in surviving (successful, good looking, intelligent) and thus believing that by hooking up with a man like this, my chances of surviving will increase
74.   I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Realize that everything within this System is based  on Survival – and Survival is based on the Acceptance of
75.   Separat
ion and within that the creation of Fear of Losing Oneself to another ‘part’
76.   I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately design myself as ‘cool’ within the definition of cool as being ‘indifferent’ (smoking weed and self-suppression) self-sufficient and self-confident, which I never was and thus had to deny and annihilate myself being fake in order to ‘achieve’ this.
I Let go of the belief that I have to Fight to Exist
I Stop Fighting
I Let go of the Desire to be Cool
I Let go of the personality in which I am Cool
I Let go of Fear of being Exposed as uncool
I Stand by me
I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to have this point cleared now so that I can share it with others – instead of taking my time to clear it effectively and sufficiently for myself. I have to go to work soon – which is cool, because then I can practice all of this. So It is not done – but I finally got it opened up.

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