I had my first work day today, which was quite interesting. I have had some resistances towards this work, which I found to be unfounded. One point was that I was embarrassed of having to take such a low paying job, that my bosses were younger than me – and I realized how utter bullshit this was and I decided to give the job and myself a chance. The other point was the work being a job where I am to fundraise for some of the major charity NGO’s. In a way it seemed silly to do this work, when I could be fundraising for Desteni instead and because I know that even though they for example set up mobile animal hospitals to treat stray dogs, the dogs will still be born and abused because of who we as Humans are. But I did not go into this job expecting that I could make a difference. It was simply the only job of all of those I have applied for, that I got and therefore I took it. I started with 5 other girls, who are all younger than me. I noticed that they in a way was looking up to me and from one perspective it felt uncomfortable and as though it gives me a bigger Responsibility to ‘lead’ and from another perspective uncomfortable, because I actually enjoyed it and found it to be ‘natural’. We started calling out to various people and even though they did not expect us to recruit any members on our first shift, I recruited 2. 2 of the others had recruited before I did and I was wondering if I was being too aggressive in my approach – so I tried different techniques and it worked. I actually found it to be fun work, but also a little exhausting to be so intensely focused on One person in the other end of the telephone. On my way home I was thinking about how I got 2 members, while some of the others did not get any and I felt a little guilty, like I had an unfair advantage from where I am coming from, but at the same time it is cool that I now know that I can ‘sell’. Then I visited my mother and was, as I have lately balancing between allowing her to Direct and resisting it at the same time. Sometimes I experience that I literally have become her, too such an extend that I cannot see where I begin and she ends. It is mostly a physical experience, where I suddenly in a situation realize that I am moving or acting exactly as her. I still experience some resentment towards her, mainly within the experience that she manipulates me or that there are so many layers to decipher when she says something or asks me something, that I cannot keep my feet on the ground. What happens, not only when I am with my mother, but also in other situations (I’ve especially experienced it when I am alone, with friends or boyfriends/lovers) that I sort of ‘check out’ in order to ‘survive’ the situation and simply act as I am supposed to/expected to. Both with my mother and in other situations it has become more and more difficult to do so. What happens with her as an example, is that she will offer me something like food, money or other things. It has been how our relationship has been playing out for the last couple of years, in a way how we ‘found our ground’ in a tolerable way to spend time together. I accept whatever she gives me and then I experience that she expects either gratitude or a ‘ relation of quality’, where we are supposed to enjoy ourselves a certain way or at a certain standard, as a measurement of her investment (in the meal for example) – and I have not been very grateful. More like a zombie, just managing barely to say thanks. I came home and knew that I was supposed to write on this Self-Forgiveness sheet because that was what I had agreed with myself earlier. And I did not want to at all. Through out the last couple of months, I have given into all resistances and accepted it if there was something that I did not want to do. But I also know that I am only cheating and betraying myself by doing so, and so finally I pushed through the Resistance and sat down to write. It is so odd, because when I AM writing Self-Forgiveness or writing in general, when I give into it, I find it to be so assisting and in spite of my belief that I have lost the ability to write, ‘it’ is still there and I still enjoy writing. Now I just have to de(re) program myself again to actually do it and not take no for an answer and simply accept the resistance I experience towards it.
A lot of the time I feel like such and idiot and I beat myself in the head for having accepted myself to diminish as I have – I am well aware that there is no one else to blame, and that what I have Accepted for myself, shows in absolute clarity how fucked we have become – so it is like no matter what I do, I AM and idiot – but even more so by allowing myself to remain an idiot by calling myself names, abusing myself and then feeling sorry for myself. IT IS STUPID! There is not so much else to say about it.
On Sunday Viktor is going to come to visit me – I am a little nervous about it, because I am unsure if we are even able to communicate. I have not be very good at communicating with anyone as of late, especially not straight forward and Self-Honestly – which obviously just reflects the Self-Accepted ‘state of mind’ that I’ve allowed myself to be in. At the same time, this ‘ordeal’ has brought up a different and more inverted, quiet side of me, which is new to me, where I do not in the same way long for the attention of others. When I do speak, it is not as long or as vivid. However I have also experienced like in Amsterdam and at work, that I automatically go into a certain way of speaking/acting that is much more outward and Directive than how I experience myself when I am alone. This I find a bit disturbing, because even though it is nice to experience that I am ‘myself’ again and that I have not ‘lost’ my ‘kapow’, I am unsure which/who is Real, as/when it is not a Constant stable way of being. But not that I look at it, I actually do enjoy this new ( or old) side of myself, that is more calm and quiet. I am actually quite surprised at that, because it seems to have been born out of misery and isolation, but still with the ability of being turned/changed/transformed into a Directive way of Being that is actually Supportive. Well, anyways. I am going to take it slow and I am going to push myself at the same time. It seems that it can be no other way. As the Resonances said: when I fight it and try and pull myself together, I sink even deeper into the hole and if I don’t push myself, one day takes the next and I am not Here. I wanted to be different, to be someone else, to be better and in result I ended up being exactly that which I judged and deemed myself as, only times ten, instead of actually walking with myself, from where I was, in Self-Honesty and Common Sense. It is the ‘problem’ with Seeing and not Being, because I’ll See how it/I should be, but am have still not Lived it/me into absolute manifestation and thus interpret it through the mind and it/I come out all mushed up and attached with ego and past, instead of it being a Living Expression of and As myself – with no personality.