This morning before I got up I thought of how my experience of procrastination, sleeping in, not pushing myself – all ends in the experience/acceptance/definition of myself as inferior and how I have used that perceived inferiority as an excuse for not Standing Up, for not changing, for not taking Responsibility. When I looked at for myself why I was doing it, it was very simple, yet also quite disturbing: I don’t want to and I am scared of changing. I want to stay existing in Self-Interest, because that is where I am safe, cannot fall cause I am already in the mud. Absurd reasoning, but never the less how I have reasoned this for myself. Laziness, so that I could stay in bed or not work till the late hours, justified by the thoughts and beliefs that I am not good enough anyway. And all I do is spite myself, spit myself in the face. It is not the first time I have seen this for myself. But what has happened time and time again, is that I get ‘caught’ in the experience of inferiority – which I at the moment see as the way to exist in a constant excuse and justification for not Standing Up. If I believe that I am less, that I am weak, that I am inferior – then I can hide within that and do less than what I am actually capable of. This is a pattern and a cycle I have been cycling for months, if not years and years. What is even more absurd is that once the experience is accepted as ‘who I am’ – it literally manifests in my physical experience – tiredness, hunger, laziness, illness. All to signify or almost testify what I have already accepted (as) myself – that I am less, not good enough, a bad person, weak, inferior and so on and so on.
What would actually happen if I let go of inferiority? In my own mind-constructed defence of this belief, I would say that it would make me act superior, that it would bring out the most nasty, dominant side of me that I do not wish to be seen, let alone lived. Then I remind myself that I am already living this – It might be hidden in that I only think it, but there is no doubt that I also project this when it is there lived… in my mind. There is no difference really, both physical actions and mind actions has consequences. And at this point, these consequences are beyond my reach. I do not know down to the last detail how everything works. I have emancipated my creation and it has become my master. The inferiority is something I have believed strongly in. I have felt in my bones how worthless I was, how pathetic and will-less. But I have no solid argumentation for how I precisely have become that way – except for the fact that this is what I have believed myself to be, and so I have become it – almost as a request from myself. It is absurd how this world, how the mind, how I operate. What happens if I no longer allow myself to be caught in inferiority and self-pity? I have no more excuses left, I have no where left to hide. I am all I’ve got and no one else is ever gonna give me or make me anything else. This is who I am and I am Here.