Okay. So I fear death or dying. What is it specifically that I fear about it?
What I fear the most is what I imagine to be the Death Process or Mind Process. I am not sure if it is just something I have conjured up in my imagination, but it is almost like it is something I have experienced before. Oddly enough my fear is to be all alone in my mind. To be insane, crazy, delusional, maybe without knowing it. When I look at that it is quite obvious that the general state of mind is like this and that we are generally not aware of this. The difference I imagine in death might be to be aware of it, to be all alone in darkness, only with my own twisted mind. That is what I fear about death. I fear not being here, I fear seeing my own mistakes, but not as much as I fear my own insanity. It is so fascinating, because I in that experience of fear of death, are not aware of my experience of myself within and as the mind right now, which is exactly as described above. I fear regret, punishment, darkness and delusion, but I do not see why this is any different to how I exist in and as the mind now. The only difference would be that there is no physical experience in the afterlife. It is so funny, because amongst religious people the hope seems to be the after life. ‘Oh well, there’s always the afterlife’. Well to me the afterlife sounds quite scary. It is so strange, because it is only within my already accepted self-definition of myself as a mind-consciuousness-system that something like this can be scary – and ironically that indicates that it is myself I fear – myself as the mind. If I look at existence and me within it in terms of death and dying, it does not really matter or make a difference if, when and how I die. I also have no memories or recollection of what it is like to die – so all I have is knowledge and information, imagination based on fear. I have often imagined that death would be similar to my inner journey on mushrooms. I felt my structure dissolving around me, by body disappeared. All that was left was me. I also fear that it is already settled by someone else, or by my some kind of higher or true self or resonances or whatever. That I did not make it this life, I was too lazy, too scared, the mind got me. It is quite annoying because here I am, and all it takes is simply for me not to participate, not to accept myself within the confinement and isolation of the mind – which is insane and absurd. What would it take for me to stop being scared of death? And by death I do not mean the act of dying, but the experience of myself within it. What if I bring Death Here. It is right now, it is happening. I know I am dying. It is too late to go back now. This is it. Darkness. Emptiness. Silence.