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I’m here to talk about my experiences with stopping smoking and how I have used smoking as one tool to completely suppress myself and create a system of suppression within me and how I have been dealing with that since I stopped smoking. So I stopped smoking a month ago and it has been quite a horrible experience in terms of all the stuff that has been coming up, together with stopping smoking. Like… singular experiences or like… individual experiences and emotions has been depression, sadness, anger… desperation and then these two major, general categories almost, that I will call: One is Self-Pity in which all this emotion fall under and the other one is… In a way I can call it anxiety or fear, but its more specific than that, because its a specific experience from when I was a child of being not safe, of being unsafe, of being uncomfortable and not being able to pinpoint whats wrong with the world. An experience of being all alone, of not having any connection… even now as I am speaking, the emotion is coming up, so what I’m gonna do is, I’m just gonna put… that’s the only, the only Solution I have found, at all, so far in all my years of working with myself, is to put my feet on the ground, to feel my feet, to feel, not a connection, but just to feel my feet… and to Breathe. So… and its not a matter of having to meditate or stop talking or anything, just like: Okay, now the emotion is coming up, I stop and then I continue. But this overall feeling of not belonging, of something being off, in the world and in my world and… I mean, I’m still in the process of investigating how and to what extend I have suppressed myself and how it has been working, but this feeling, this particular feeling is one that I can see and experience, re-experience, from when I was quite a small child, like 3,4 years old. So okay, so I stopped smoking, while I was in an agreement with Matti and we stopped smoking together and it was like a spontane(ous) decision, but its something that Ive been working with for a while like: Okay, I’m gonna stop smoking at some point because I’m…. I could see that I was very attached and very committed or dependent on smoking. So I stopped and I was surprised how the part of, actually not smoking, was not as difficult as I had imagined, because its just a matter of not smoking, not smoking and especially when you, if you can keep your environment without cigarettes, its fine. I mean, here where I’m living, a lot of people are smoking, most people are smoking, so that was just a matter of… that’s just how it is. What I found surprisingly difficult was like I said, all the emotions that came up and I have, since I stopped smoking, several times gone into a mind-possession, mind-fuck, mind-trip that lasted for several days, where I was basically just crying the whole time, feeling sorry for myself the whole time, beginning to get paranoia and I mean, I cannot say with absolute proof that this is caused by me stopping smoking, but its very definitely linked, to this experience. So initially the point for me was to stop smoking all together, not start again and it was something I was doing within my Agreement and then the Agreement ended and I was like: “Huh, so what now?” – and I decided that I was gonna not start smoking again. Then after 21 days, I had another of these ‘self-pity-parties’ with myself where I was crying and feeling sorry for myself and not being able to do anything… and I talked to Esteni and she said something that was very interesting: that the whole thing, the whole emotional reaction was about not getting attention and not being recognized for having stopped smoking. And in that I very quickly started smoking again, realizing that it had in fact been dependent on other people, again – and basically just justifying for myself: “Oh, I might as well just start smoking again”, and: “it’s been 21 days…”, and “I don’t need to stop” and… but as I was smoking the first few cigarettes, I kept getting a headache and I did see the link: “Okay, it’s peculiar that I’m getting a headache as I’m smoking” – and I was wondering about this whole point of having brought the suppressions up that, that I was now re-installing the suppressions with the cigarettes, basically opening a system up and saying: “I’m not gonna participate anymore” and then – basically ‘giving up’ because of these emotional experiences and being overwhelmed by that, not believing that I’m able to stop it for myself and then start smoking to ‘close’ the whole thing down again . So – as I started smoking again, it was quite amazing to see that everything became calm, everything became smooth – I was in ‘control’ again. I was able to work, I was effective, I was not emotional at all. If I became emotional, I was able to stop it immediately. Still thinking, still thoughts, but not as ‘insane’ or, not as obsessive as it was when I was not smoking. Then at some point I had another headache and… well, I was talking to Bernard about it and he said: “well that’s suppression” – and I realized in that moment that it made complete sense – I mean this whole ‘line’ of events that had happened, wherein I… basically believed that I wasn’t able to ‘cope’ myself and deal with myself… without cigarettes. I’ve been smoking since I was twelve and besides cigarettes, I have within this process found using food, using specifically other people, being in a Relationship, entertainment in the form of television, movies, what else? Thinking obviously – to suppress myself. And I am closing in on myself from the perspective right now, of not being able to do that anymore… and having to and being willing and allowing myself to Face this point and…. Yeah, so after three days of smoking again, where it was wonderful and I just went back, as if nothing had ever happened and I’ve always been smoking and… ‘the good old days’, ha ha – so I stopped again last night and what I found, what I have found to be extremely fascinating is that these experiences that I experienced as I was stopping came back immediately: Depression, sadness, feeling sorry for myself, desperation, anxiety, not belonging, not having connections with anyone, being isolated. So… this is where I am. I’m going to walk through this point and I don’t know what’s on the other side… as I am looking at it now, it’s the point of for the first time being comfortable with just me. Not requiring anyone or anything else to make who I am, to make me safe, to give me stability, to hold onto and actually Allow myself to be that stability be that Support – because I mean how else? How am I going to exist, without being dependent or anything or on other people, if I’m not able to… basically live with myself? And trust that whatever comes up and whatever happens, I trust myself to Direct it and to deal with it and to Face it, be Self-Honest and to not suppress or hide myself.