My experiences with existing within and as “energy-addiction” and polarities and how a ‘Polarity-Tree’ grows in my mind:
Pointers I have found within the construct of how Polarity and Energy works:
Judgment as a way of “balancing” the polarities – When I have been up in the ‘high’ – I judge myself and end in the low – then it goes back up again. (Watch the Desteni videos for perspective on polarities and judgment.)
I specifically experience it as though I play myself as a ball in a tennis-match in my mind, where each side of the polarity are the players, where I am merely the object being beaten from side to side. And in this Not Standing Responsible for that I am Creating these experiences for myself – and thus can Stop and not participate in ‘the game’.
I have experienced it as though I have constantly been projecting myself into the Future, trying to be ten steps ahead of myself (implies wanting to be better/more) and then when I get ‘there’ in my mind – I Realize that I left myself ‘Here’, behind and now have to ‘crawl’ back (often in shame with my head bowed) until I meet myself again Here and start from scratch again. Within this, I waste time and I waste myself.
I knew a girl once with a bipolar/manic depressive ‘diagnosis’ that in her mania, would believe she was a rock-star and do all kinds of crazy things. When she ‘came down’, by herself or through medication, she would be so embarrassed. She would either then remember the whole experience, all the embarrassing details or not remember anything at all – Suddenly her ‘whole life’ in self-imagined ‘glory’ and ‘fame’ would just be gone and she would be sitting on a hospital bed with a pill jar in her hand.
That is an extreme version of the polarity-disease, but it is basically how most of us exist within it – the up´s, the down´s and the ‘in between’.
Energy as the “drug” that is used to justify participation in Polarity and Polarity Created to generate Energy through the friction of the extremes – infinite cycle. The Relationship on which the Mind Exists.
When in experiencing and looking at how I have participated in and existing in polarities, within an addiction to energy as “Life”, I have discovered a pattern that I call “The polarity tree” – In my experiences, it resembles a tree that grows new branches, every time I submit to a new polarity ‘out-swing’ or try to eliminate one polarity, without considering the other or actually Standing as the Creator and get to the Source of exactly How I have Created this.
The Polarity-Tree and how it grows:
A ‘Polarity tree’ is thus in my experiences, the structure of a relationship between polarities, where they are depended on each other to exist and generate Energy through friction, so it starts with one polarity-construct that then like a tree extends out into ‘branches’ and creates more polarities like an outflow from the first one – until it eventually becomes my total experience, like I am wearing or walking around inside this ‘tree’.
An Example – Through having defined and accepted myself as ‘useless’, ‘invalid’, ‘inadequate’, I created a polarity within this of desiring to be ‘important’ and ‘doing enough’. I had already accepted the ‘fact’ that I am not ‘doing enough’, because that is what in my mind justifies and explains the feeling of ‘uselessness’ and ‘inadequacy’ – so within this I started to take myself very serious, not allowing myself to relax and enjoy myself. So I constantly tried to do as much as possible, but it was still from within the same starting-point and thus I soon ‘ran out’ of energy. The next ‘branch’ on this polarity-tree is then to ‘rebel’ against ‘having to do so much’ in which I will begin feeling lazy and compare myself to others, because I experience it as if this feeling of inadequacy and having to make up for it, by doing extra, is something others wants me to do. So by ‘rebelling’ against that, going against my own morality-codex, I can get an outlet for the energy I have desperately put into being ‘useful’ and ‘important’ to others –What makes it even more distant is the experience that I am doing something for others, not being aware that it is all something I am creating and participating in, by experiencing the polarities and definitions of myself as valid.
But what is also interesting is that they need a constant ‘outflow’ to keep going, so from having a ‘high’ experience of being useful to someone, often based on compromising myself and playing a character where I would feel energized and often in power and control, I would go into the opposite of not giving a shit about anyone else and just do ‘what I want’, where ‘what I want’ was simply a reaction to the opposite polarity. The next branch on the tree would be guilt. Because I have now gone against my own morality and must now pay by feeling shitty about myself and being hard on myself because I again is back at the point of uselessness. This is often the state of depression and ‘giving up’. Then the whole ‘cycle’ simply continues rolling. This ‘cycle’ can take months to go through, even years.
How have I given my power, will and authority away in this?
First of all, by accepting myself as ‘useless’ without seeing where this definition comes from, How I have Created it, participated in it, accepted it as myself – passed on from my mother or father, generated through specific experiences etc. So within that, I actually believe that it is me and at the same time, because I know that it is not, I create a friction or a separation within it, of feeling like it is something that is being opposed on me by someone else.
This could for example be someone telling me that I am ‘useless’ and then accepting that as a fact and at the same time fighting against it, not Realizing that no one has the power to define and limit me, but me.
So within that, I will be trapped in my own submission, without even being aware of it, because I gave away my own authority in the very moment I accepted myself as ‘useless’.
From then on, I will then fight to prove this wrong, which is impossible if I have already accepted it as who I am, as valid and real and thus it will keep me busy for eternity trying to undo what I have accepted and allowed, without Realizing that my power lies in what I accept and allow – what I participate in as who I am.
While all of this is moving and controlling me, I slowly diminish and become possessed by ‘filling the void’ that I myself have created through my allowance, whether it is generated and originated through being copied and passed on from someone else or generated through specific experiences.
Because of the very nature of polarities and me being the ball that throws myself willingly between them, I am trapped for however long I ‘keep the game going’.
Something else that I have realized within looking at this and seeing how I/it plays out, is that I have been addicted to the ‘high’ of for example feeling ‘useful’ and ‘important’, which makes sense because I have tried to escape or change my experience of myself as ‘useless’ and ‘unimportant’ without even realizing for one moment that it was my acceptance and definition of myself as ‘useless’ and ‘unimportant’ that started this whole ‘cycle’. So because I had already abdicated myself from the beginning, within accepting the conditioning, all I ever did, was staying inside that same ‘cycle’ with no possible way of stopping or changing it.
So I become stuck within my addiction generated through an accepted experience of ‘lacking’ and thereby constantly in need of my ‘fix’. Over the last few weeks and even months, this is what I have been experiencing the most. When I would get into situations or deliberately place myself in situations that according to my own ‘value-system’ would give me a feeling of being useful or important to others, I would get this feeling of ‘rush’ and being ‘charged’, almost similar to being in love. It could last for days, but not much longer. I would find myself energized and capable of doing a lot more than usual, in a state of bliss almost. Finally getting what I have been craving for so long. What amazes me is how little it took for me to get to this experience. It is almost as if I have been starving and even a breadcrumb would be mouth watering.
So it would be little things, like someone offering me a cup of coffee or asking me for help with some task. It would also be me taking on tasks and placing myself as ‘important’ within doing that and feeling like I was finally ‘doing enough’ and could relax. And the same would obviously happen the other way around, where someone only had to say one word and I would immediately experience myself as ‘useless’ again.
So not alone was my experience determined by how I experienced myself as useful to others, but it was also entirely limited and confined within this polarity where I would experience everything and everyone in relation to this pattern – to me as this pattern.
When I read what other people are experiencing, it is often easy to see how they are stuck within a framework of conditioning in their mind. It is so limited and yet within that limitation endlessly vast, because we can keep it going with variations upon variations as long as we participate. And with polarity it can often be tricky to see, because the ‘highs’ and the ‘lows’ might seem different from time to time, so that we are actually not even aware of what we are doing. It is the exact same as with love relationships where we fall head over heels madly in love, only to come down again and then we do it again and again and again, without questioning that we never seem to ‘reach’ that ultimate constant experience of the ‘high’. Because within this is implied that such an experience exists; the ‘eternal bliss’ and ‘satisfaction’, the ‘ultimate orgasm’, ‘together forever’, ‘true love’ etc. And if we are not able to ‘reach’ it, it is either because there is something wrong with us, our partner, the timing or whatever.
My ‘eternal bliss’ in this perspective, was feeling like I mattered. That I was important and useful for others.
In my own experiences I see an origin point of living with my mother, who when I was a child, never was very interested in me. It is interesting because when I see it from her perspective, she did everything she possibly could, but even there, it was from a starting-point of ‘lacking’.
The basics of this pattern of feeling useless to my mothers was several experiences; the most prominent being that the men in her life and having sex always came before me. An extreme example of this, which I have only heard about from my mother herself is when I was around two and someone said to my mother that she had to chose between my father and her wild romance with him or raising me.
Another point wherein this experience originates from is my experience of being an annoyance to other people, because I was always talking, jumping, singing and expressing myself. What has affected me a lot has been the experience that it was specifically when I was exited or expressing myself freely that others would be annoyed and reject me.
But considering it now, this personality of being very ‘outgoing’ and ‘expressive’ might even be an polarity in itself and so the cycles spin on and the tree keeps on growing and growing.
It is my responsibility that I have accepted it as ‘who I am’ and through that having build and designed myself accordingly.
An example to this is that I ended up as an adult actually achieving exactly what I felt deprived of as a child: that my mother saw me as important listened to me and took me seriously. As a result, we ended up in a relationship where she relied on me and I was a stability point in her life. I had finally reached the ‘destination-point’ of my desire – but little did it help. I experienced myself the exact same way.
And obviously it never changed my experience of myself, because I had already accepted the conditions. I had already accepted myself to be addicted to energy and to be a slave to that within the cycles of polarity.
As a result, I never valued anyone else as important, but basically saw them as pieces in my ‘match’ with myself – constantly competing to win over my own experience – impossible and depleting.
What never even crossed my mind was being important to myself – relying on myself and appreciating myself and within this, that Self-Honesty is not possible if it is a part of my polarity-addiction, because in that I will play out Self-Honesty as being “good” and Self-Dishonesty as being “bad” and thus judge and condition and reward myself within it as well as attempting to “not be” Self-Dishonest, which is not alone absurd but also impossible.
I have found that to sort these patterns out – I have to get to the cores of the ‘construct’ itself – Realize exactly How I have Created myself through my participation in and as these ‘constructs’ and actually Stop. Structural Resonance Alignment is awesome, because you can actually test the information out and find out specifically where these patterns originated from. Did you Create it by yourself? Is it inherited? Is it unconscious? Are there specific thought, fear or emotional patterns that ‘triggers’ these patterns? What corrective action is necessary to actually Stop the pattern?
Besides S.R.A, I am basically disciplining myself in Stopping all participation in the mind – and specifically with relation to ‘polarities’, stopping the Energy-addiction and the belief that I need the ‘high’ – because within that, I am always a slave, a ball being beaten around in a tennis-match and the tree just keeps growing and growing.