For as long as I can remember, I knew that there was something wrong in this world. When I look back, already as child it felt like the world was unreal. But at the same time, I did not know any other way, and thus my biggest desire was to fit in and actually be a part of the systems. I was kind of a psychic already as a child, always knowing what people were feeling and thinking. It was very confusing because most people are not honest and as I later discovered; Not even with them selves! This caused me to not trusting myself, due to many occasions where people let me to believe that I was the one lying. It also made me very afraid of the world, always with the weird feeling that I have been here before, I have done this a million times. Later I began searching for myself through spirituality, finding that I was “special” which probably set me back a few million years. I remembered past lives, or at least thought I did.
Last year, I felt like I lost my soul one day. I cannot explain it any other way. I did not have personified Gods or guides talking to me or anything like that. But I have been following some kind of path of karma or what ever you want to call it. One day, it was like my soul was gone. The karma, and all I had build up about myself was gone! I was no longer special, in fact I had no idea at all, what or who I was. Which I actually still do not. I am just HERE. There is no history or past lives or even the heavenly ever after to rely on.
When I think back, there was always this sense of knowing everything to the bone. I could actually smell in situations that I had been there before. Often I could log on to a certain system, and know exactly how to behave, or know what would happen. Suddenly, all that was gone. All that was left, were me! Sorry old me, with all my restrictions, and ideas about myself. From that point, I felt like I was sole creator of my reality where as before it was as was merely following a system or a manuscript that had already played out. You would think, that that could have been a wonderful feeling. No, it was horrible. Because all of the sudden, things started to happen that I could not explain or justify, cause I knew it was only being created by myself. And often it seemed, for no reason at all!
So now I sit here, tired of being in existence , tired of not standing up as life, tired of being afraid of my own judgment towards myself. The more I dive into this process, and now with bigger determination that ever, the more all the magic to existence goes a way. It is sad, because that is one of the things I enjoyed most about life.
The more I reveal, the more I face JUST ME. And this is all that I have accepted and allowed in this life. No other life, no future life, just this one right here.
And it is saddening me to go back and see just how much I have allowed and accepted.
The crazy thing is, and this I have a hard time figuring out; That I allowed and accepted most of it, not because I believed in it, but because I desperately desired to be part of the group, of the systems I guess. So I just played along, knowing deep inside and sometimes even conscientiously that I was lying to myself. And I still do. I must stop.
I know I still have issues about being better – worse, smaller – bigger, special – non-existing and I am working with all of those, all the time.
I am HERE, I am.
I am so sorry for the pain I caused in other people through not being honest with them or with my self. I am so sorry for the pain I caused in myself for not standing up in honesty.
I am so sorry that I have played a long, keeping the system intact, when I knew that something was wrong.
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to stand up, when I know that I am participating or acting out of fear or dishonesty
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge myself for believing that I am special or better than anyone else
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I am special or better than anyone else
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I do not exist and that I am dangerous or bad