Continue to work on being HERE, being SELF HONEST, being THE BREATH.
Right now, it is like the breathing is becoming more natural to me, sometimes I actually just do it, without having to think about it first. But it is still a breath, like I have been under the water for a long time, and only just made it to the surface. A survival breath in a way. But at least I do breathe, which is more than I did before with holding my breath, controlling it and simply just ignoring it.
Being HERE is what I find the most difficult. I constantly run away from facing myself HERE. Before I used weed a lot. Now I use TV, which seems to give the exact same reaction as the weed did, just with a different signature and impact on my system. But as I observe myself, the reaction and the reason for doing it, is exactly the same.
It is like my mind is going; “come on, this is to hard, I feel so bad about myself. I need a break, and this is really nice. A luxury and a escape. And for some reason I really beat myself up about it. Within the system, I have never been a good little soldier, at least I do not think so. Always been the rebel, who refuse to follow the straight path. But during this process, I realize that I am as must a soldier as the next. I follow some strict fucked up military system, where mistakes are not allowed and can be dangerous. I vote myself of the island, many times a week. I know that one addiction often replaces another, and I am beginning to wonder if I would rather smoke weed instead of eating candy and watching TV all the time.
Well not really, but it is amazing to me, that the reason for doing it, and the reaction thereof is exactly the same.
About self honesty I am actually doing OK (but that could just be another lie)
I want to write everything out, put myself out there (HERE) and see what happens. It actually feels refreshing and like a good challenge to me to keep writing whatever comes up during the day.
My self forgiveness is for sure what is not working so good. I continue to refuse to forgive myself, finding it unnecessary and when I investigate it further, it is like I still believe that I need to be punished.
Honestly I do not know who I am, or what I have done. But I know that I feel really bad about it, and it is probably a way of avoiding responsibility, that I refuse to forgive myself. So HERE right now, I push myself:
I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that I need to be punished
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to forgive myself
I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that I am special
I forgive myself for allowing myself to refuse to forgive myself just to avoid pain and humiliation
I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that self forgiveness entitles pain and suffering
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see myself in honesty
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to be grateful for the work I do
I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that I take responsibility for the pain in the world by punishing myself for it
I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that I can not change or stand up for myself
I forgive myself for allowing myself to get into fights with other people
I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that other peoples judgment of me, is about me and not them
I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that I am not able to stop my mind
I forgive myself for allowing myself to hold on to past versions of myself
I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that I am something that I am not
I forgive myself for allowing myself to be polite instead of honest out of fear of rejection