How much of me is really here right now, present? Expressing all as me?
In Jacks Hom95, he talks about a choice that everyone makes. It is the choice of creating life from the physical in this life, in this body.
He also says that that choice has already been taken from within and that the reason for not taking it, is that the being already knows that it is not going to make it.
This question causes a lot of anxiety in me, and I constantly wonder what my choice really is. (of course the issue of choice it self comes up as well)
Up until one year ago, I was damn sure that I was becoming ONE, even with distractions in life, I knew that this was the way for me to go. Of course at that point it was wrapped in love-and-light-shit, being special etc. Then something happened. I found myself becoming more and more present. Speaking to animals. listening from within. The very talkative person became suddenly silent and it Was wonderful. At that point I had been walking with a friend for 8 years, sharing process. She was always the strong one, always relentless and secure of her path. When it was at its peak, she told me, that there was no turning back for her now. She said: “I am running now Anna”. And that she did. She became highly psychotic in process over a week, doing all sorts of weird stuff. I had an idea that it was a high speed version of a mind-breakdown, due to her live experiences and that I could help her, by using holistic tools etc.
Unfortunately her family got to her first, and out of fear, they committed her to hospital and medication. She of course, changed completely.
I was so sensitive at the time, that I could not stand being in the same room with her. Slowly my feeling of Oneness disappeared. Next point was me trying to release myself from my personality, by getting rid of all things and people in my life. At some point in that, I chickened out, and ended up, using the excuse of a love affair, to walk straight into “my life” again. I have been using the last six months to become honest with myself again, to face what there is to face.
I see my friend again. She is out of the psychosis, but on medication and just wants a normal life now with her little son.
So that is very weird for me, and I do not know where to place her or myself.
I really actually felt that I was growing towards birthing life from the psychical, and I did not even know at the time what it was. Then everything slipped out of my fingers. I became numb again. Trying to kill myself slowly using food, weed, TV and self destructive thoughts. In a way I feel that I have fought my way back, but I am still not in that place. And I wonder if I will ever be, if its all gone.
Have I already made the decision that I will not make it?
Am I just waiting to die?
If that is the truth, I guess there is no option but applying breath, self forgiveness, honesty anyway. Because the issues will be the same after my body dies.
I am tired of being a slave to my own persumed needs and wants. I am tired of feeling I missed out on something last year.
I am tired of going back to the past, thinking that it can be that way again. I am tired of no longer knowing what life truly is, what I truly am.