From Fear of Making Money to Embracing Money as a Part of Me. 416

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Money blocksI am busy developing my own business, and something that keeps tripping me up, like small roadblocks on the road, is the way I feel about money. So I am going to start writing about my relationship with money, so that I can take responsibility for, and release these blocks, and drive myself steadily into the future.

One of the blocks that I see right now, that is preventing me from moving forward, is that I’ve created the following belief:

You cannot be genuine/real/move from the heart while you’re making money. Making money is about scheming people into giving you their hard earned money, undeserved.

How this is hindering me, is that everything I start looking at or shifting my focus of my services into being that of earning money, these scheming thoughts comes up within me, and I cut off my connection with my heart and my realness, which is what my whole service is based on, and which is also what my goal is to ask people to pay me for, essentially.

So, every time I try to turn what I do into a business, I sabotage it for myself, because I believe that a ‘money mindset’ necessitates an outlook on potential ‘clients’ as ‘targets’ that I’m supposed to scheme into giving me their money.

It is all rather absurd, because I frankly see and feel that I have something substantial to give to the world, and I also see that the world ought to support me financially, because what I have to give is highly valuable, and so in essence, I wouldn’t be scheming people, as that would mean selling them something that isn’t worth the money I ask them to pay, which is not what I’m about. But because I have this belief that this is what selling means, I keep tripping myself up going into this state of mind.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that making money is about scheming people, and thus that making money is essentially an abusive and evil act, not realizing or considering that I’ve been making money all my life, in one way or another, only not for myself, but in representation of something/someone else, and my goal, besides supporting myself, has always been to be of service, to take co-responsibility for the reality that I am in, and help people move through whatever they need to move through to be the best they can be.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not consider, realize or accept the fact that as a co-creator of this world, I have the capacity and power to define what money means to me, and the role that I want money to have in my life, and as such, even though money right now is being earned through deceit and abuse in this world, I can change who I am in relation to money, and thus what money is in relation to me, as a directive creative decision.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold onto a memory from when I was about 9-10 years old, where my mother took me to a shop to buy clothes, and I experienced the shopkeeper as extremely fake and I felt so uncomfortable by the entire situation, that I just wanted to get out of there, this experience cemented within me a deep resentment towards situations where shopkeepers that tries to approach me in a similar way, and a decision that “If this is what making money looks like, I want no part of it.”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have created a positive self-identification narrative as a contrast to me rejecting being a part of making money, where I feel good about myself and proud of myself for “standing up to the man,” when the fact of the matter is that yes, this woman was fake, but she was merely doing her job, which she could’ve done in a non-deceitful way, had she been genuine, and as such the problem doesn’t have to do with earning money itself, but about not wanting to be fake/deceitful.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear asking others for money, because it feels like I am taking something from them, not realizing that I am giving them something of immense value, which I wouldn’t be able to do for very long without them giving me money, so I can survive, and not realizing that I am already ‘taking’ money from others by earning a salary, so the only difference is that I’ll be doing it directly, and through owning up to my own worth and valued for the world and others to support me directly

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel vulnerable in asking others to give me money, because it feels like I’m asking them to place a value on me, not realizing that I am taking money personal, as though it is a personal reflection of me, when it is in fact about delivering a product that supports others, which enables me to support more people and take care of myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see money as a finite resource, as though that if I get money, others won’t have money, when, if they are able to pay me for my services, I have to trust that they are able and willing to pay, and to remember that the value I am giving them, will in turn support them to create the life that they are dreaming of

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable taking a payment from another person directly, because it feels dirty, and like I’m not supposed to do this, not realizing how I’m already part of this system by earning a wage. The only difference is that I’ll be working for myself, and as such, I’ve always accepted the exchange of money, because I knew I needed it to survive, while at the same time judging it and pretending like it wasn’t my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel vulnerable, exposed, embarrassed and ashamed, when I think about saying the price of my service to someone and actually receiving the money from their hand, not realizing that it is actually not my responsibility if they are able to pay, and that all I can do is to deliver a product/service that I can stand by and see as valuable for others to partake in.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be so adamant about not wanting any part of a making money culture, that I’ve deliberately created a life for myself where I have the least possible to do with money, where I am effectively sabotaging my own living, and my future, and where I am deliberately only surrounding myself with people who feel the same way, thus creating a collective positive self-identification, that we’re the “good ones,” the little man, who is ‘pure at heart’ and ‘incorruptible’ and who ‘cannot be bought’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear start focusing on earning money, within a business I created for myself, because I fear that my community will ostracize me, will hate me, condemn me, speak ill of me, and cast me out, as I will now effectively belong on the other side of the fence, and so ‘be the man’, and that I will as such lose my place in my community and be alone.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear expanding myself, in a way that I see would be supportive for me, and that would make me more accessible to make a difference in the world, because I fear my community, and as such, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to be part of a community that I fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see that the community/culture I’ve been a part of all my life, is not Best and is not supportive for me to be my best or for this world to be its best, as it is essentially created out of fear and antagonism, and is creating its positive self-image around being against the system, while at the same time, indirectly profiting from it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe and fear that money is evil and therefore, by getting involved with them, I will become tainted and I will turn evil, not realizing or considering that money is what I decide it to be, as I have the power to define my reality, and as such, whether I am evil or not, is up to me, and not something I can blame on money.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I start focusing on making money, that I am a bad person, because it is bad to want to earn money, and to have money

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that the belief that money is bad and that its bad to want money and to have money is a cultural programming that I’ve been induced with to make sure I stay in, and fully accept and fight to remain in my strata of a being middle class worker bee, with the specific purpose of making sure that others can earn lots of money

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that as a co-creator of this world, I am able to define what money is and isn’t, and to not see, realize or understand that by seeing money as bad and as something to be avoided, by judging it and separating myself from it, I’ve abdicated responsibility for a part of my creation, and I’ve accepted and allowed it to be used for purposes of ill intent, instead of realizing that money is a part of me, as me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience that I would define as greed that comes up within me, when I think about setting myself free to pursue money, where its like I become bloodthirsty and more wants more, and I fear losing myself to that part of myself, that I fear will start slipping and start justifying things that aren’t ok, for the purpose of making more and more money.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not accept the fact that a program or instinct for greed exists within me, and to embrace it and be curious towards it and open myself up to understand it, rather than to shy away from it, and reject it through separating myself from it in fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed greed to exist within me, as a program that gets triggered as soon as I start focusing on money, not realizing that the greed I experience as a symbol of wanting to reach out and grab and take more and more to make myself/what’s mine bigger, is actually founded in a deep fear of lack, which is the exact opposite experience, of being full of holes like a sieve, and not trusting myself/the world to care of me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not to see that greed is ultimately a panic response where we believe that we will be safe if we gain enough worldly assets, but where we’re ultimately coming from a starting-point of feeling unsafe and uncared for, and through that, not connected to the world in a caring way, and as such we become so locked in survival that its all we can focus on.

Self-Correction

I realize that to reverse greed is to see my place in the world clearly, as a co-creator, and as part of the whole in oneness and equality, to work on my own lack-traumas so that I don’t reach out to try to fill my ‘holes’ externally, but instead make sure that I fulfill myself from the inside.

I realize that when greed is triggered within me, it is a trauma response, and as such I know that lack is triggered and still exists within me and thus something I can immediately direct and “fill my hole with me” so to speak.

I realize that money isn’t evil, and that I’ve been trained to think that because it ensured that others could make money, and that I would never enter the world and make a difference in a bigger way through being able to reach more people, and through focusing on that which I’m good at.

I realize that money is a part of me, and therefore something I can direct as an extension of me and how I support myself in this world.

I realize that it is OK for me to take payment for my services because I am doing it to support myself and to support more people.

[Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash]

Learning to Dance to the Beat of My Own Drum. 415

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I had quite a profound moment of realization yesterday morning, after having had a chat with my DIP buddy the day prior. I’m also very inspired by my friend Kim who’s walking a very similar process at the moment.

The realization had to do with the fact that I can set myself free to be exactly as I am, that I no longer have to try to chase other people’s standards, and that the reason why I’m constantly failing at that, is because I’m not doing it as a natural expression of me.

See, some people are super tidy and organized and efficient in terms of getting things done. I am not like that. (And here I’m not talking about who I am at the depth of my beingness, because I know it’s something I have the potential to change).

I move more in increments, I often do things in spurts of efficiency, and then I have time in between where I’m either needing to rest, or focused on other things.

For the longest time, I’ve been blaming myself for the physical ailments of my body, of my overweight, of me feeling physically exhausted and unable to do things. And then I realized that, “hey, my body has ALWAYS been sensitive like this”, ever since I was born, or very young at least, so definitely before I was capable of getting myself into trouble.

But that’s the thing, I’ve been seeing myself as trouble for many years. And that self-judgment, has carried through into everything that I am not good at, and even into things that I would simply naturally do differently from others.

I’ve discovered that I function best from a starting-point of self-love and self-value, NOT from a starting-point of doing things because I believe I should. The more I love myself and care for myself, the better I take care of my environment, which is pretty obvious once you really start looking at it. But I’ve been trying to get myself to be more efficient through self-hate, self-loathing and self-judgment.

I also function best in groups, so for example when it comes to yard work, I’ve experienced being part of the Desteni group in South Africa, where we would, every day, go out for about 1 ½ hours and work the ground. In such situations, I become highly motivated, and can even motivate others, because it moves me on a very deep level to do things together. But when I am to approach such a project alone, I simply don’t do it. It’s the same with exercise. I love being in groups, but struggle to do it alone.

And then, with all of these points, because I’ve seen myself as ‘trouble’ or as a ‘bad seed’, I’ve automatically dismissed the way that things work well for me, and have pushed and pressured myself to behave how I believe you’re supposed to behave, with the result of me ending up doing nothing at all, and hating myself even more.

We have these perceptions about how the world, and we as people are supposed to work. And just like there are standards for what a beautiful body looks like, there are also standards for what characteristics that are valued in a person, and these are then impulsed to us from all directions, from movies, books, pictures and from the people around us, trying to live up to the exact same standard.

So I never knew or thought that I was allowed to be different. I believed that being efficient in this particular way was the only way to be. But the thing is, is that there are millions of different expressions and ways of being. Some beings are super slow in their expression, which causes them trouble because they live in a world that is RUN on being fast. I’ve met people who are almost like liquid in nature, you know, the really dreamy kind, who feel like they’re kind of in their own world. They also often get into trouble because they don’t fit in. Or men or boys who are super vulnerable and soft in their expression. Boy, do they get into trouble.

And in my case, I have my own rhythm, just like everyone else. This rhythm is the way that I function and operate on a natural level, its how I am, whether I’d like to be or not. Now, this doesn’t mean that these aren’t things that can’t be changed. I’m certainly not willing to live with the limitation that I’m just not someone who is very good at cleaning deeply for instance. And these things don’t necessarily have to be things that are manifested at a beingness level. I for one, see a lot of my late father in myself, in regards to these points.

But the point is, is that I can’t change myself, unless it is myself I’m changing. Meaning that, if I’m sitting here, judging myself as not being good enough, while trying to force myself to be in a way that’s totally unnatural to me, it’s not going to work. I know, you know. We’ve all tried this for years.

To actually change, I first have to get to know and understand myself. And I can’t do that, if I’m busy hating myself and pushing myself away. I actually have to embrace myself, and my quirks and fuckups, unconditionally, and say: “yes, this is who I am and I accept me.”

Only from that starting-point can I then say: “this is who I am right now, but I see it has its limitations, and it’s not who I am going to accept myself to be forever, so therefore I’m going to change.” See the difference?

And once you start deprogramming yourself, to literally pull your head out of the matrix (the world system integrated into your mind), so that you aren’t defined by its premises, you can actually start to see another layer of reality, in which things function on a completely different level. Like for instance, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter if I am overweight. I can do everything I came here to do, while being overweight. Overweight is only important in the context of how we in the matrix value body image. That doesn’t mean it can’t be supportive for the body to lose weight, but it’s certainly not something I’m going to bend over backwards, and harm myself, to do.

I actually get to be my own quirky self, and move myself based on the things that make sense to me, and be efficient in a way that works for me, and interestingly, the more that I apply this approach, the more efficient I actually become. That is because I’m for the first time in my life, in actual alignment with myself. I’m moving from a place of self-love, and what is best for all, and that is the most healthy place to be.

From Feeling Awkward and Trying to Impress Others TO Embracing My Unique Awesomeness. 414

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In this post I’ll be exploring this ‘thing’ I have about wanting to be seen/adored/recognized, to want to impress others, and although its been with me since I was a child, it is time that I get to the bottom of it and let it go, because I see that it’s hindering me to fully step into the next phase of my life. One of the aspects of this has to do with being willing to be ‘ugly’ and ‘unpopular’ and to stand totally behind my own message without compromising for the sake of impressing others.

So one of the things I’ve noticed in relation to the desire to be seen/adored/recognized, is that it partly stems from my own childhood, and my relationship with my mother, but there is even a generational pattern, that I recognize from my mother and grandmother, that has to do with feeling like we, in our family, have a ‘chip’ on our shoulders, like we’re not ‘fancy’ enough. I could imagine that it goes back multiple generations. And so there’s a need to overcompensate, because there’s a belief that I’m inherently not good enough, that I am an ‘bad apple’.

It is also a convenient program installment to be placed into a person who is as free as I am, because it successfully prevents me from living the full capacity of my being, which may be scary and provoking and which may piss people off. But as long as I am concerned about people ‘liking’ me, I won’t ever take it too far, and that means that it’s safe for the matrix, to not threaten its firewalls. And I’m basically then perpetuating and signaling to everyone else that they too shouldn’t express fully, and as such I contribute to upholding the status quo.

I’ve found it frustrating that I still have this ‘thing’ in me, that tries to impress others, and get others to see me. It has embarrassed me, because it is so obvious to me when others do it, how they try to come off as more, but it is so obvious to everyone around them, that they are feeling insecure and inferior. And I’ve struggled to understand why it’s still ‘in me’, because my sense of self-worth has significantly increased over the past few years. I know that I don’t have any reason to want to be seen as more than I am. I am already enough.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed and ashamed because I try to impress others and show them I am more, when I know very well that the signature that this behavior exposes, is one of feeling less than and inferior, and that people often react to it, which interestingly enough, the fact that I am concerned about this and feel embarrassed is clearly showing an insecurity within me, where I inferiorize myself in relation to other people and worry about what they think about me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of mind, as a mental holding cell of self-limitation and diminishment, where I worry about what others think of me, and desperately try to get them to like me, because I believe that I am dependent on making others like me for my survival in this world.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I connect with people through my being and through my heart, I yield results and support that is transformative, fundamental and substantial in a whole different way, than when I try to please them and coddle them into doing what I want, through being likable.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to develop a habit of saying things to impress people when I feel awkward and disconnected from them, in affect, disconnecting myself even further from them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as weak for trying to impress others, feeling like I shouldn’t still have this behavioral pattern in me, when the fact of the matter is that there must still be a part of me that feels so small that it needs to assert itself as more than it is

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must compensate for my shortcomings of being overweight and of being (feeling, really) socially awkward, and essentially thinking and believing that there’s something wrong with me in the core of my being, that means that others will reject and hate me and won’t want to play with me (yes that’s how my mind phrases it)

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think as a child that there’s something wrong with me, because I don’t fit in in the groups I’m apart of and because I’m seeing them from ‘underneath’ which makes it difficult for me to engage fully as I’m equally observing and perceiving myself, creating a double analysis situation which makes me feel awkward and unnatural because I cannot effectively participate in play with other children, as I’m always conscious of myself and of the dynamics taking place between the children

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react to my own nature, to take it personal and judge myself for being on the outside and feeling awkward, thinking that this makes me wrong

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, as a child deceive myself into believing that ‘the world/society’ IS what it presents itself to be, and so that there must be something wrong with me to not fit in, and so I must try to be better, because I find it scary and daunting to trust what I see, and question the nature of the dynamics going on between people and in groups

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, as a child, feel utterly alone and isolated and cut off, because I don’t see or experience anyone else seeing the world as I do, and instead of approaching myself with love and integrity, turn it inwards towards myself, judge myself and hate myself for being ‘off’, not seeing that this is in fact one of my greatest gifts and something to be honored and cherished

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, as a child, deliberately convince myself to trust what I see as the two-D/three-D reality in front of me that is presented by and interpreted through the mind, and so believe that everyone else is normal, because they’re appearing to have no trouble interacting in an effective way with one another, not realizing or considering that others could equally be seeing me that way as I’ve always agreed to pretend and to act according to the normalized and agreed upon interaction

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to wanting to show others how smart I am, how wise, and brilliant, because it gives me a buzz and a thrill inside my body to show off, and even more when I do get the validation that I’m longing for, not realizing that this is nothing more than an addiction to an energetic ‘high’, where I’m trying to get to a point of self-worth and being comfortable in myself and accepting myself and feeling at home in myself through getting others to like me, but because its based on projections and externalized energy, its merely an experience and doesn’t substantiate in the body, and therefore I have to get a ‘fix’ again and again to generate the experience of feeling good and worthy inside myself, instead of actually focusing on developing a real sense of worth, and making a real home of myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and develop a survival strategy and then a game out of getting others to like me and accept me, and even adore and admire me throughout these years, in an attempt to get away from feeling awkward and wrong and embarrassed about myself because I don’t fit in.

Self-Commitment

I commit myself to stop myself when I feel the need to impress, as I realize that this behavior has become addictive, and that I need to stop myself at a physical level.

I commit myself to embrace and accept myself in my glorious ‘out of the box’ness, without seeing myself as better or more than others, and to humble myself every time I see that I am going into specialness or superiority within me, to remind myself that this is simply me finally opening myself up to my gift, and while it’s totally ok for me to celebrate and cherish that, it doesn’t mean that everyone else isn’t equally awesome. It simply means that they are on their own time-line, in their own process, and I have a responsibility to help them discover and develop their gifts, as I have opened up to mine.

I commit myself to pay attention to where I am at and how I am feeling inside myself when I walk into group situations or interaction type situations because I realize that this is when my need to impress is triggered the most, and to do SF on any awkwardness that comes up, and make sure that I stay connected with myself and with my own integrity of being who I am.

I commit myself to pay attention to my interaction with people online where I most often express myself in writing, which is one of my strengths, and to stop myself as soon as I see that I am going into that energetic ‘buzz’ of feeling more than, and ask myself if I’m expressing just to impress people and whether what I’m saying is relevant.

I commit myself to honor my need to share and connect with the world and with others, and to turn something that has been a weakness into a strength, through keep sharing myself openly and vulnerably and to continue to develop my own relationship with myself, and my seeing of the undercurrents of human interaction and to direct them accordingly, to be best for all.

Check out DIP Lite to learn how to use writing to free yourself.

[Photo by Anton Darius | @theSollers on Unsplash]

Looking at 10 Years through the Review Mirror. 413

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I’ve been wanting to do a 10 year review, because I know that these types of exercises are supportive for me. I tend to have a rather bleak look at my own progress/success, so this type of exercise is supportive for me to push myself to ALSO look at how far I’ve actually come in 10 years. So a couple of days ago I signed up to join Mel Robbins #Bestdecadever prompt, in which we during 6 days in the beginning of January will be exploring our dreams for the decade. This is the first exercise:

Write down the three times you felt most excited or energized in the last ten years. Think of what you were doing, who were you with, and where you were.

I will take Mel’s words and then I will explore them from a starting-point of looking at when I was most ME, at peace with myself, in total flow of my being and who I am with my beingness opening up.

1. 10 years ago when I first found Desteni and started listening to and reading the Desteni material. It is the first time in my entire life, that information has penetrated my very core so profoundly as that did, and I’ve read a TON of self-help books and spiritual books. So how I view my life now, there’s a “before Desteni” and “after Desteni.” It is literally two different lives. And those first months, I would sit and absorb everything I possibly could get my hands on. It was like my entire self was cracked wide open, and as painful as it was, it was equally glorious and such a huge relief to finally understand this existence and (to some extent) myself in it. It was literally like finding water in an endless desert.

2. When I teach, write, do tarot readings and support people through my unique way of communicating. I can understand how artists sometimes feels like they are muses of divine inspiration, because it is like all of existence opens itself up, but in a kind of boundless, liquid type of way, where I can see everything at once, yet grab nothing, and all I can do is to let it flow through me, as a point of being creative and a creator. The other aspect of this is when my words and actions support others on a fundamental level. This is my favorite thing in the whole world, to be an instrument of helping all of us on our way Home. It is also why I love Mel Robbins so much.

3. Giving birth to and being a mother to my daughter. I have never enjoyed myself so much as I do with her, and being her mom is a constant source of inspiration and motivation. I am proud of who I am as a mother, and I am proud of who she is as a person. And I simply love being with her.

What big goals have you accomplished in the last ten years? What are you most proud of?

10 years ago, right before finding Desteni I was: 

  • Homeless by choice (bouncing around house sitting in an attempt to free myself of the Matrix. Joke was on me as I realized later that I AM the goddamn Matrix, i.e. it is inside of me.)
  • I had several addictions, including a daily marijuana and cigarettes addiction.
  • I struggled severely with connecting with others on a deeper level. I had few close relationships.
  • I had cut off all contact with my family.
  • I was on welfare or working odd jobs
  • I had no plans for the future
  • I was an emotional mess
  • I avoided paying my bills or doing my taxes.
  • I did not eat well or treat my body well. I ate a lot of sugar and junk.
  • I did no exercise.
  • I talked to no one about how I truly felt inside.

Today after having walked with Desteni for the past 10 years I: 

  • Haven’t touched a drop of alcohol or any form of drug in 10 years.
  • Live on a beautiful and big farm together with my husband, child and mother in law (she owns the farm) and a bunch of animals.
  • Together with my husband I’ve been able to create a small savings account (something I’ve NEVER done in the past)
  • I have a Master’s degree in educational sociology.
  • I have several long term jobs behind me, including, teacher, counselor for refugee youth, process leader, and educational director and community college teacher.
  • I’ve created a new course for teaching assistants all by myself. (my current job)
  • I’ve supported 10+ people as a coach in the DIP program
  • I’ve been an admin and main director for a Facebook group for porn addicts that had over 20.0000 members before Facebook shut it down.
  • I’ve been an admin and creator of many other Facebook groups.
  • I’ve been an admin on DIP Lite.
  • I’ve had a paying coaching client.
  • I’ve run a Women’s circle online for 1 year (had to stop it early due to illness).
  • I’ve written more than 1600 Instagram posts that has been liked over 20.000 times.
  • I’ve written at least 400 personal blog posts, and around 200 blog posts in my Teacher’s Journey to Life.
  • I’ve done a training session/workshop for parents at a festival about Deschooling
  • I’ve brought a class of 20 students through a 1 year degree to become teaching assistants (and am bringing another 20 through now). I’m teaching them everything I know about children and education.
  • I’ve been an activist working for children’s rights for the past 6 years.
  • I’ve gotten married and birthed my first child
  • I’ve changed my diet significantly and now love to cook and experiment in the kitchen.
  • I eat supplements and brush my teeth (I struggled with this in the past).
  • I work tirelessly to inspire parents to change the world from within (and through their parenting) on a daily basis through sharing my insights and journey through parenting on Instagram and Facebook.
  • I am a published author with a chapter written in the International handbook of progressive education about the french educator Celéstin Freinet
  • I have written a foreword to a book about punk in education.
  • I have done more than 100 videos
  • I have started a podcast
  • I have created a family co-op and work to inspire others to do the same
  • I have written several featured articles in national newspapers, both in swedish and in danish.
  • I wrote my master’s thesis in english and now master english nearly as my mother tongue, and I’ve learned to speak swedish. I use all three languages every day.
  • I have two cats that I take care of and about 20 houseplants that are thriving.
  • I’ve decorated a beautiful home.
  • I drew and designed our kitchen.
  • I’ve started learning to master my emotions, and I can now move myself from a ‘mood’ or emotional state and into stability and clarity.
  • I’ve reconnected with my family.
  • I’ve been with the same man for 10 years.
  • I’ve become a part of my partner’s family and love them dearly.
  • I’ve gotten close friends all over the world, that are near and dear to my heart.
  • I’ve gotten feedback from people I’ve never met that I’ve changed their life.
  • Started reconnecting with my beingness and my inner strength, and opened up my inner vision.
  • Have done a ton of Pilates and Yoga.

What did you not complete that you wish you had accomplished?

  • I am overweight, which I wasn’t 10 years ago, but it’s something I want to change, more than anything for my body’s sake.
  • I have the exact same body issues I had 10 years ago, despite weighing 40 kg more.
  • I still have some self-worth issues that I am working on change.
  • I would have liked to have my own (successful) business by this point, and not have to be employed by others.
  • I am not yet effective at being in a relationship.
  • I still tend to get emotional from time to time.
  • I haven’t yet fully learned how to work with money and administrative tasks.

What do you think held you back or kept you stuck?

  • The fact that I still rely too much on my mind and trust what comes up in my mind
  • That I don’t dare to trust myself
  • That I follow and listen to my insecurities
  • That I try to get ahead of myself and forget to bring myself with me
  • That I’ve swung between extreme polarities instead of developing equilibrium
  • That I haven’t stuck to the basics of doing self-forgiveness, breathing and writing
  • I created and founded a network of schools around Sweden.

That’s it for now for Mel Robbins exercise. Next we’re looking at goals for 2020 and the next decade.

I AM READY. BRING IT ON. 

I’d also like to say that I’m a bit gobsmacked in realizing how much I actually accomplished and moved myself in 10 years. And this is by no means an exhaustive list. I could have kept going. And I’m happy to report that yes, I am proud of myself.

Saying NO as an Act of Radical Self-Care (or How Being a Perfect Mother became my Downfall). 412

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The other day, my daughter and I were purchasing things in a local health shop, when the cashier struck up a conversation with me about being a mother. I was a bit distracted and apologized to her. One of the things she said was: “Don’t worry about it. I know what it’s like. I haven’t had a connecting thought for several years”

So I started thinking about that, and looking at it inside myself, and I realized that since having my child, and even more since she started talking, I’ve been forced to change the way I process and deal with things inside me. When you have a child, their needs take precedence, and I know many mothers who become so completely caught up in taking care of their child’s needs, that their own needs disappear into the background, and that’s not healthy. But why do we do it then?

When my daughter started speaking, she also never stopped lol. She’s a talker (like me, I was exactly the same) and she’ll chew my ear of the entire day. So when I for example am busy preparing for us to go somewhere and want to check everything inside myself, she’s there, asking for things, demanding my attention. It is also often so that I have just started doing something, when I’m interrupted and have to take care of her instead.

This is a problem, only because I throughout my life have been a peoplepleaser who’s afraid of saying no. It’s literally a taboo inside of me to NOT give my child attention and give her what she wants. This makes me feel under a constant pressure to give. A lot of it probably has to do with how I don’t want to be like I perceived adults when I was growing up. So I’ve taken it to the opposite extreme of feeling like I have to be constantly “open for business” in terms of being present, listening, caring and attentive.

She is also not like this when she’s with my husband who is much more internalized and individualized in his nature. When she’s with him, each of them is doing their own thing, so it’s something that I originate with the way I’m approaching her.

I’ve been thinking about how, the way I feel I’m being disrupted, is actually very similar to how the mind is; constantly chatting and disrupting my natural flow. So I’ve thought that if I can learn to stay centered and focused when she’s chatting, it can help me to also not allow the mind to push me around. My buddy brought up an interesting point here though; that my daughter is actually supporting me to remain grounded, here, instead of going into the mind, and I hadn’t looked at it that way.

Another friend brought up the topic of “ghost mothers” which basically refers to a mother that’s there physically, but who is vacant otherwise; she’s like a ghost. She was saying that it is something that happens a lot to sensitive, empathic moms who tries so hard to be fully, completely present, that they lose their sense of Self, and end up as shells of a ghost, doing the motions, but not being fully there.

I also talked to my partner about it, and he brought up the fact how he actually avoids thinking about, or looking at things when he’s with our daughter. So he for example prepares everything they need for the day before hand, so that he doesn’t have to stress about it when he’s with her (and she’s chewing his ear off lol). He also doesn’t look at work stuff inside himself when he’s with her. All of these things I do. I try to be everywhere at once, be everything at once, have everything present with me all the time, and it becomes like a pressure cooker that eventually erupts because I hold everything within me, and never let go. And then I do “ME” time but all I have the energy for (because I’ve given all of me all day) is watching a show or reading a mindless book on my phone, which does not support me to release energy and come back to my being.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I, in my attempt of being totally present and perfect for my child, and for everyone and everything else, actually have become the exact opposite, where I check out, become irritated and annoyed and emotional, and cannot function properly, because my mind is constantly everywhere at once

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try to hold and manage my entire world inside of me at once, constantly, all the time, instead of utilizing the physical tools and methods I have available for me, to make things more practical and tangible and to take the pressure of myself, my body and my mind

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be overly ambitious and arrogant about what I think I am able to handle, and to just pile on more and more things and responsibilities, without having effective ways of managing or handling them, to the point where I become so stressed, that I start failing at things, and my body takes a huge strain

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take on things that I know deep down that I don’t have the capacity to handle right now, and yet I do it anyway, because I feel like I can’t say no, because I feel like I’ll be missing the train on an opportunity that I don’t know will come again

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to waste other people’s time, and to cause consequences in their lives because I haven’t taken proper responsibility to admit to myself what I can, and cannot handle, and so say yes to things I shouldn’t

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a delusional idea about what it means to be a good mother, where I think that it’s about being at my child’s beg and call, to constantly keep her satisfied and satiated, and to constantly compromise my own wants and needs in her favor, not realizing how this behavior is actually causing me to become the exact opposite – where it causes me to pull away, disengage, become irritated and disconnected from her, because I disconnect from myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being a bad mother if my child become dissatisfied because I don’t engage with her the way she wants me to in the moment, or give her what she wants, instead of realizing that in my fear of being a bad mother, I’m actually becoming exactly what I fear

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not to realize that I can be present, connected, caring and attentive towards my child, without loosing my connection with myself. That its about me not being everywhere all at once, but about being present here in the moment, and being here for ME and for whomever or whatever I’m with in the moment, and that’s it.

Self-Commitment

I commit myself to work on creating routines that allows me to remain focused with my child because I don’t have to think about and look at things inside myself when I am with her.

I commit myself to push myself to focus on the present moment and what I am doing here right now

I commit myself to focus on reconnecting with myself, and to allow myself to give myself focus, attention and care, and to say no

I commit myself to show and express more care for myself, by checking in with my own wants and needs

I commit myself to give more care, attention and focus to ME

I commit myself to say NO as an act of radical self-care.

[photo by Steinar Engeland]

Check out http://lite.desteniiprocess.com to learn how to use the writing technique I’m using here to empower myself on a deep level.

How to Stop Being High Strung. 411

Throughout my life, I’ve been what I would describe as a ‘high strung’ individual. I get angry easily, I get sad easily, and I also get easily excited and passionate. A couple of things have been happening in my life lately, that has shown me that I really need to learn how to be LESS high strung, and MORE chill and relaxed. I wish I could just flick my fingers and it would happen, because I know all the rational reasoning behind WHY I would need this, but as it goes with human nature, it’s been molded and folded into a certain shape, and it takes time, and a process to unbend from that.

When I went to the dentist for an operation the other day, I had to get an excessive amount of anesthesia. The dentist explained that it is primarily people with red hair OR people who are stressed who doesn’t respond well to the medicine. I don’t have red hair, and I know that I live in a state of constant urgency-emergency (as explained in a QCK session by my friend Kim.)

When I have my sudden fits, whether from excitement or from anger or frustration, people around me react and jump. Especially my daughter can get worried. And it is also very much for her that I want to change this point. I want to be more stable for her, less volatile and unpredictable.

I’ve always had trouble relaxing, whether it was when I’m about to sleep or when getting a massage or something else ‘relaxing’. So I struggle with unwinding, and when I was young, I used weed to medicate myself, and otherwise its been through suppression and other addictions, which only makes the problem worse, because I don’t truly relax, but merely bottle it up.

I also see that this is not all a bad thing, or that it means that I should now suppress my expression of liveliness. Because I am expressive as a person, and that’s ok. So it is the high strung aspect that I’d like to change.

As I see it right now, there’s no magical formula for me to learn to relax. As I see it, it is very much about ‘muscle memory’ and repetition, and about becoming aware of the state I am in, in the body. Yoga helps, breathing helps, anything physical helps, and writing helps.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for and to be ashamed of being high strung

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a bad person and as a bad mother ( a bad influence) because I am high strung, and easily get emotional and upset

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take being high strung personal, to define myself as BEING high strung, instead of realizing that it is a certain frequency setting of the mind that is aligned to the expressiveness of my beingness and set to “INTENSE” – for good and for bad.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed about becoming so easily emotional and high strung

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see how, it is specifically in periods where I’ve been neglecting my self-care and using the tools of self-forgiveness and breathing that I become emotionally unstable, and that I am actually capable of being stable and grounded

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want something/someone outside myself to change me and to change this problem for me, because I feel defeated and disempowered towards it inside myself, feeling like it’s too intense and too demanding for me to change, not considering how it is a different way of being that I have to practice, which requires a consistent commitment to change, and not something I can do with the flick of a finger

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not reach inside myself and use my natural, grounded intensity to work on changing from being high strung to being more stable and chilled, and that I’ve instead allowed myself to live in apathy and suppression inside myself, going with the dysfunctional ‘flow’ of my mind.

Self-Commitment

I see, realize and understand that when I am high strung, it has a destructive and negative effect on those around me and on myself, and that I cannot do what I came here to do, when I am in an unstable state.

I also realize that this high strung state isn’t who I really and truly am as a being, that the intensity is a reflection of my beingness expression yes, but that the way I am living it, is not healthy or supportive, and that it is something I can change, one step at a time.

And so, I commit myself to not fall back into automation, apathy and suppression, and to instead push myself to develop a supportive routine, where I get up early in the morning and do my writing and my body work as a start.

I commit myself to push myself to be more aware of my body during the day, to slow down, to breathe and to apply self-forgiveness, instead of going into suppression when it becomes too much.

I commit myself to not judge or shame myself for being high strung, but to show myself understanding and empathy in realizing that that this is merely a ‘setting’ that is out of alignment, and that it isn’t who I truly, and deeply am.

[Image for Unsplash by Patrick Fore]

Seeing Opportunities OR Limitations in The Body. 410

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One of my core issues this life is my relationship with my body. As a child I had severe food allergies which caused a lot of pain and limitations in what I could eat and what not. Here I’m exploring that from a perspective on having deliberately dissociated with my body, because I blamed it for limiting me.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pressure myself and my body, by constantly being and doing everything for everyone and everything else, placing myself and my body at the very last priority, often not having time to even care for myself in a basic sense.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist changing this pattern, because I’m quite satisfied with it, and see myself as a good person, who’s doing good and is sacrificing themselves for the higher good, and because I then don’t have to focus on, or confront myself with difficult points in my life.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to develop unhealthy habits and addictions to cope with the situation I’ve created for myself, where I feel like I must have a small, tiny corner of the world that is mine and mine alone, that is hidden and secret from everything and everyone, where no one can reach me or take from me, thinking with fuzzy logic that this is somehow giving me the recharge I need to carry on with everything, despite the fact that its actually yet another thing in my life that takes me away from truly caring about myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist slowing down, and resist changing how I approach my situation, because it in fact, suits my mind perfectly, to live as though I’m invincible and the body doesn’t matter, thinking that I can go on like this forever and ever, even though I know that it’s not possible.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to NOT take responsibility for developing healthy ways to cope with the situation I’ve created for myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist my body, because I fear it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear my body because I believe that it is bad and wrong.

I forgive myself myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that my body is bad and wrong, because I believe it is limiting me by causing me pain and other problems

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, as a child, dissociate with my body, because I was angry at it for the problems I believed it caused for me.

For me to actually live the life I want to live, and be the person I want to be, I have NO CHOICE but to give more priority to myself and my body.

I realize that a theme throughout my life, has centered around avoiding, ignoring and abusing my body, and I see that its not a sustainable way to live or exist.

I realize that it scares me to focus on my body, because I believe my body is bad and wrong, because of the limitations that it causes for me.

I realize that I’ve never really given my body a chance, and then I’ve just been building limitation after limitation on top of each other.

I am seeing that I’ve been missing the point all along, that I could have, as a child, changed my perspective and seen the opportunities in my situation, instead of only seeing limitations.

I realize that I’ve never really known what the body is capable of because I’ve never given it a chance.

I realize that I’ve been blaming the body for limiting me, when its in fact me who’s been limiting myself.

[Image by Anthony Tran for Unsplash]

Opening myself to Embrace Peace and Tranquility as a part of Me. 409

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My buddy in the Desteni I Process asked me two questions:

Why have you not decided to stop struggling?

And

Where do you have beliefs that peace and tranquility is not for you?

When I look at the words ‘peace’ and ‘tranquility’, there’s an immediate pushing away inside myself, like I recoil when I hear/see them coming towards me, almost like they are glowing hurt (Freudian slip! I meant to write “glowing HOT), and I would burn myself if I were to try to touch them/associate with them. When I try to relate to the words, I simply feel that “they are not for me,” that they are inaccessible to me. There is also a distinct self-diminishment and holding myself down within looking at these words in this way. Like these words are too good for me, and I am not allowed to associate myself with them.

My life and my mind has been rather the exact polar opposite of peaceful and tranquil. BUT I also see a self-made narrative where I describe and reinforce myself and my life as ‘chaotic’, ‘wild’, ‘insane’, ‘loud, ‘crazy’, ‘a struggle’, ‘a fight’. In my relationship with myself it is very much an inward struggle where I believe that I must always fight myself, because there is a belief that I am inherently ‘bad’ or ‘evil’, and that I must constantly fight myself to try to be a better person.

It’s a strange belief because I don’t see a direct correlation with my life or how I was raised and this belief. In a way, it’s like I’ve always had this ‘sensitivity’ and small things could go wrong, and I’d immediately blame it on myself. Where I can however relate it, is to my mother, because she definitely lived a life of being told/experienced that she was a bad child, and actually struggled to be free of that oppression. And I’ve noticed in the past how I’ve copied mind patterns from my parents that have no ‘root’ in me because they’re essentially not mine, but in a way it makes it more difficult to walk through, because I have no memories to go back and work with as directly. It’s more like a shadow/echo pattern. So I see two possible paths here: One, I do self-forgiveness for my mother, as her, within this pattern. Two, I look at how I can practically release the pattern through practical application.

Why have I not decided to stop struggling?

Because I believe that my life is and must be a struggle. I also fear (admitting) having an easy/privileged life, because I judge people in privileged positions and believe that there is an honor in struggling.
Because I don’t think/believe I am able to. Because I have accepted and resigned to the belief that my life must be a struggle, as though that is my faith (again a Freudian slip. I meant to write “fate”), because it is what I was born into. Because I believe I am an inherently troubled person that deserves to struggle as part of my lesson to become a good, decent person.

Where do I have beliefs that peace and tranquility is not for me?

I believe peace and tranquility is not for me because:

It is wrong to live in peace and tranquility when the rest of the world suffers. Then it is an illusion
I do not have the right temper/nature/life circumstance to be able to experience peace and tranquility. There is something wrong with me/my nature.
I am still too high strung, uptight and emotionally wired. I need to fight these aspects of myself to access peace and tranquility, and thus peace and tranquility are too far way for me to be able to live.

When I see my thoughts and beliefs this way, I can see that I have conditioned myself to live a very limiting and self-deprecating life. I also see that peace and tranquility IS accessible to me, but that the real version of these words is something much more grounded than the way I’ve related to these words as something pristine and sacrilegious that I can’t possibly access. Because even when I live these words, I’d still be me. It’s about allowing myself to access/create/open myself up to a potential expression of me that’s always been here, but that I haven’t allowed to exist as a part of me. It is about making these words part of me, not the other way around.

Where do I see the potential for peace tranquility in my life?

Breathing. When I breathe I commune with my body, and I create space within me. I level and balance myself, and when I breathe directively with awareness, I put my focus on being here with all of me, rather than channeling myself into the mind and suppressing the rest of me.
Moving my body directively, specifically, precisely with awareness, care and grace.
Being in/looking at nature.
Cleaning/tidying/organizing
Working with shapes/geometry creatively/artistically
After/during physical labor and/or yoga/exercise
When I consistently decide to do/be what’s best and open myself to life/myself/my being
When I work through reactions in a self-supportive way and embrace all parts of me
When I sit on the floor, ground myself, do grounding things.

So ultimately, I actually see great potential for me to live peace and tranquility. However, I’ve created so many limiting beliefs and emotions around these words that I’ve warded myself in/kept them out, not actually allowing myself to even explore the potential of these expressions within me.

I will continue more in the next post.

[Photo by Josh Hild on Unsplash]

What being Hard on Yourself has to do with Delusional Self-Glorification. 408

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Throughout my life, I’ve created a pattern that is very self-destructive. It comes up when I make mistakes or when I fail at something (at least in my own eyes). I can be extremely hard on myself, and it is a terrifying feeling that leads me to want to punish and deprive myself. As someone once said, it’s a sadistic little program in the back of my mind. It is what has caused me to do a lot of self-deprecating things, and why I haven’t allowed myself to move or expand or do things to express care for myself. The flipside of it is that I’ve attempted to better myself FROM a starting-point of self-loathing and self-hate, thinking that the only way I could better myself was through external validation, literally trying to change myself from the outside in. I’ve believed (subconsciously) that if I could get others to believe that I’m awesome, and if I can present enough of an awesome image outwards, it WILL change me on the inside. But under that has always been a starting-point of not believing in or valuing myself at all, and therefore not believing that I would ever change my experience of my self-worth.

It has become crystal clear to me over the past year that accepting myself and loving and embracing all of me is the key to my process. Yet self-judgment and self-punishment is a persistent thing within me. I call it “falling into the pit” when it gets really bad. This doesn’t happen very often any longer, but it is quite brutal when it does. And it takes a toll on my body. Even now as I write this, I can see and feel the self-judgment as a ‘base layer’ that taints how I see things, and this is despite having worked with it extensively for many years. So a big question that pops up in me is: how do I let it go.

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a pattern where I attempt to change myself from the outside in, through external validation of worth, through creating an inflated projection of myself that I present to the world as who I am, and feverishly try to make real, because I have in essence given up on myself inside, because I loathe myself so extensively, that I don’t believe or accept myself as worthy or valuable through simply being me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience that my sense of self-worth is completely entangled with receiving external validation, to the point where I can’t separate the two or detangle them from one another

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of stepping into seeing and standing by my own worth and value, because I do not value it as much as I value the experience I get when I feel validated by others, because I don’t see myself as equally important

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see myself through a constant lens of self-judgment and I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted or allowed myself to be patient with myself and to actually give myself credit for the process I have walked and the steps I have already taken towards change.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience such extreme and intense guilt, shame, self-judgment and self-hate that I feel like I can barely stand being in my skin, like I can’t handle the sheer intensity of the experience, and so to cope with even just being inside myself, I do anything I can to ignore and get away from the experience, by distracting myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as soon as I see that I have made a mistake, or done something that wasn’t acceptable in a certain context that triggers this experience, such as in my parenting, to immediately see myself as a bad and horrible person that doesn’t deserve to live or be a mother, where my entire experience of myself becomes engulfed in this view, like a dark cloud that I wrap myself in

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that I hate myself when I do things that I see as unacceptable because it is so far from my expectations to myself and my image of myself when I am in a ‘high’ point within me and things are going seemingly great

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that the high I experience when I feel ‘on top’ isn’t in fact a natural state, or who or how I’m supposed to be, as it is an energetically charged experience, where I for whatever reason have lots of energy and feel great about myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see or accept that the state I’m in when I’m in a high isn’t in fact real, because I desperately want it to be, because it feels so great, and it would be so awesome if it is was real, because when I’m in that state, I feel invincible, supersmart and overall glowing and fantastic, and I fear that if I let it go, I will be left with myself in a bland experience at best and at worst, I will exist as my shitty self for the rest of my life, a loser and an emotional wreck

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see or accept the connection between me highest high state and my lowest low state, and how neither is attached to actions I take, as the actions serve merely as triggers, and as such, by attaching the energetic state to an action, and to myself, I shift my focus in to a delusion where I believe that my energetic experience of myself is an actual reflection of my reality/myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not put in the actual, physical work involved in self-change, of stopping and changing my thoughts and behaviors, in the small moments, and so through changing the substance of myself, little by little, become the person, with all the fibers in my being, that I have the potential to become, steadily, consistently and irrevocably.

Self-Corrective Statements

I commit myself to focus on changing myself in the small moments throughout my day where I see that I go into thoughts, emotions or backchat, as I realize that these are the real key and core to my swinging back from one polarity to another, and it is here that I am able to change myself, rather than trying to change myself by clinging to the positive polarity only to plunge head first into the negative

I commit myself to focus on remaining level-headed, stable and grounded through the practice of slowing down, focusing on my breath, being in my body, feeling my feet and my toes, doing yoga, be in nature, do self-forgiveness out loud and in writing every day and being with the stillness of myself as often as possible – as well as living specifically, directively and deliberately with intention and focused aim

I commit myself to slow myself down as soon as I see that I am speeding up inside myself because I know that this is an indication that I’m moving into high, positive energy so that I may stop the cycle before it spins into overdrive and extremes

I commit myself to, immediately as I see that I am swinging into self-hate and self-judgment, pull myself through as self-love and self-acceptance, and to specifically go and sit or walk or move with myself with the purposed intent of bringing myself back to stability – deliberately reminding myself that this is the low after a high, it’s a chemically induced experience and I cannot latch it onto actions. Here I also deliberately question the acts that I experience are causing me to hate and judge myself, because through looking deliberately with common sense on my actions, I can see that they don’t warrant hate or judgment, but often merely needs correction.

(Photo by Pim Chu for Unsplash)

Meeting the Mind with an Open Heart. 407

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To say that I have had a rough week would be an understatement. And it’s all about relationships on my part. Today I found out that someone whom I’ve had a strenuous relationship with, but that I thought was going in the right direction, more or less threw me under the buss and tried to deliberately come between myself and another person. Shit like that happens all the time. But this one really got me by the balls. As I reflect on it, it is a common scenario in my life, where I dare to be open and vulnerable and trust someone a little more with my heart, only to find it being stomped on. This is a STORY I’m telling myself through. One filled with remorse, self-pity, regret and blame. It doesn’t have to be who I am anymore. And this is what I will apply SF on today.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel gutted, and like my heart has been stomped on after finding out that someone whom I thought I was developing a closer and deeper relationship with, threw me under the bus and deliberately tried to cause split between myself and another person

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to rely too heavily on the heart/beingness connection I feel with someone, where it is clearly obvious to me that we feel each other on a deeper level, because I then end up feeling shocked and betrayed when they revert into a nasty mind pattern to protect themselves, forgetting and not realizing how deeply immersed into the mind’s patterns most people are – even if there is at the same time a pure connection to their heart that can be felt and seen.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to expect that, because a person and I have a heart/beingness connection, where I feel who they are on a deeper level, we are solid, our relationship is good and we can trust each other, not realizing how – as pure and as intense that feeling is, it is at the moment only a thread of a feeling, surrounded by an array of mind pattern tentacles that weave in and out of the person and fills them up and takes them over, because that is who and what they identify as for the most part

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed and betrayed when someone I thought I was reconciling with and connecting with on a deeper level, suddenly turns on me and does something that completely undermines the trust I thought we had built between us – not realizing that my disappointment is largely based on me creating unrealistic and romantic expectations about what holds a relationship together, when in fact all we had was a small – pure – life connection that hasn’t yet taken root and might not ever be able to

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and sorrowful because I feel like I have lost someone and the depth of my relationship with them, when really, all I’ve lost is my illusion of unrealistic expectations where I thought the relationship was something more than what it is

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that simply because a person does something unacceptable and nasty towards me – doesn’t mean that the real connection between us is gone, or that it wasn’t real to begin with

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not take into consideration the reasoning within which I imagine the person deciding to be nasty – most likely being in a state of fear and remind myself how I too have reacted in a similar way to protect myself and my beliefs about the world – and to instead use this opportunity to make a commitment to not accept or allow myself to do that again

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience that I don’t want anything more to do with this person, that I want to cut ties with them and that if I meet them, I don’t want to be nice to them or treat them as I have in the past, as I no longer feel I can trust them, or have a genuine, mutual connection with them – because they are apparently plotting against me behind my back, making me extremely uncomfortable to be in the same room as them, especially because it is not possible for me to speak with them about this incident

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing myself as vulnerable again, as this is a pattern I experience runs in my life, where when I let my guard down and allow myself to be fully open and vulnerable with someone, they do something – or so I experience it – to betray or hurt me or turn their back against me when I am at my most vulnerable

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel especially vulnerable, and way too open and to judge myself as stupid, when I have let my guard down in a relationship with someone and they do something I perceive as nasty or hurtful in a way that catches me off guard, because I think I should have known and I shouldn’t have let my guard down enough for them to get to me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see, judge and define my vulnerability and openness as a weakness – not realizing that the only weakness in these moments is my expectation of something that isn’t real, which is why I can be caught off guard in the first place, because I’ve created an idealized version of reality in my mind, where I don’t take all the variables of the human existence into consideration, and as such place myself at risk of being blindsided and betrayed

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not to realize that vulnerability and openness is me opening my heart and being to connect on a deeper level – and that it is not something I can expect to be respected or received with care or love, because of who we as human beings have accepted and allowed ourselves to become in and as the mind and in and as our systems of separation

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel bitter towards the person whom I perceive have betrayed me and thrown me under the bus, not realizing how, my reactions are in direct proportion with my expectations of my relationship with this person being deeper than it really was – and that the one who is responsible for my experience, is thus me, and me alone.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist meeting the person whom I perceive have betrayed me with the same warmth and vulnerability and connection as I have met them with before, because I know now that their intentions towards me perhaps aren’t as pure as I thought they were, in terms of actually wanting to creating a real, trusting and respectful relationship with me, not considering how this most likely was already the case before when I had greater expectations towards them and as such, the risks are exactly the same as before, only now I actually know that the trust and depth of the relationship is not as solid as I thought it was – which is ok.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that there is nothing weak or dangerous in exposing myself and standing vulnerable and open before another person, even if I perceive that they’ve betrayed me or have been nasty towards me, as long as I don’t accept or allow myself to have blind spots caused by unrealistic expectations and beliefs – and as such, that it is in fact a position of strength and a position of standing as what is best for all as Iife, and that it is not something I do FOR someone else, but for/as ME, because it is the change that I want to be in this world

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel resentment and distrust towards this person whom I perceive as though they have betrayed me, feeling like they’ve been fake and pretending to be my friend while actually scheming against me – when I first of all have no idea whether that is true, and I very well know how one can be several people at once, and secondly, the person is the same today as they were yesterday – the problem is with me creating unrealistic expectations and projections towards them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience that I cannot and do not want to be kind and natural towards this person, or to speak with them in the same ease as I have been doing, because I no longer trust them, when the fact of the matter is that I couldn’t trust them before either – as there has been no agreement or commitment to remain respectful with one another – and I know the person has not developed their awareness or self-honesty to the point of holding themselves accountable for their thoughts and backchat, and as such, I have proven to myself that it is indeed possible for me to be open hearted and vulnerable towards someone I don’t trust, and that the difference does not lie within whether they can be trusted, but in how I decide to express myself, and who I decide to be.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold someone’s actions of deceit and nastiness against them, when the fact of the matter is that it just as easily could have been me, and that it has been me, and that I very well understand the extremes to which we allow ourselves to go when we accept and allow ourselves to get caught in mind patterns of fear – where our single minded focus becomes to protect what we see as ours, no matter the consequence or cost, and as such I realize that I can’t hold it against them. And the only thing I can change here, is my own expectations towards the people around me, to simply know and remember and take into account, that people are still very much immersed in the mind, despite there being beautiful openings into their heart – and that I need to keep an open heart to walk with them, as best as I can, through it.

Self-Commitment

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to resist communicating with this person whom I perceive have betrayed me, or to allow myself to be open and vulnerable in front of them, I stop and I breathe. I realize and remind myself that being open-hearted is my decision, and is something I do for myself and for all of us and not something I do because a person has earned it through being trustworthy. I realize that my being open and another being trustworthy is not connected – as I can stand completely strong and safe in my openness, no matter how another expresses themselves or how they act towards me.

I commit myself to push myself to remain open-hearted towards this person. And I commit myself to not create expectations towards what a relationship is, based on there being a heart/beingness connection, because I realize that most of us here are still very much immersed in the mind, and will, if triggered go into destructive mind patterns. I also realize that I have a responsibility to help guide us through this – with my open-heartedness and my vulnerability and strength. I commit myself to dare to keep my heart open this time. And to stand within/as it, solidly planted on my own two feet.