Opening myself to Embrace Peace and Tranquility as a part of Me. 409

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My buddy in the Desteni I Process asked me two questions:

Why have you not decided to stop struggling?

And

Where do you have beliefs that peace and tranquility is not for you?

When I look at the words ‘peace’ and ‘tranquility’, there’s an immediate pushing away inside myself, like I recoil when I hear/see them coming towards me, almost like they are glowing hurt (Freudian slip! I meant to write “glowing HOT), and I would burn myself if I were to try to touch them/associate with them. When I try to relate to the words, I simply feel that “they are not for me,” that they are inaccessible to me. There is also a distinct self-diminishment and holding myself down within looking at these words in this way. Like these words are too good for me, and I am not allowed to associate myself with them.

My life and my mind has been rather the exact polar opposite of peaceful and tranquil. BUT I also see a self-made narrative where I describe and reinforce myself and my life as ‘chaotic’, ‘wild’, ‘insane’, ‘loud, ‘crazy’, ‘a struggle’, ‘a fight’. In my relationship with myself it is very much an inward struggle where I believe that I must always fight myself, because there is a belief that I am inherently ‘bad’ or ‘evil’, and that I must constantly fight myself to try to be a better person.

It’s a strange belief because I don’t see a direct correlation with my life or how I was raised and this belief. In a way, it’s like I’ve always had this ‘sensitivity’ and small things could go wrong, and I’d immediately blame it on myself. Where I can however relate it, is to my mother, because she definitely lived a life of being told/experienced that she was a bad child, and actually struggled to be free of that oppression. And I’ve noticed in the past how I’ve copied mind patterns from my parents that have no ‘root’ in me because they’re essentially not mine, but in a way it makes it more difficult to walk through, because I have no memories to go back and work with as directly. It’s more like a shadow/echo pattern. So I see two possible paths here: One, I do self-forgiveness for my mother, as her, within this pattern. Two, I look at how I can practically release the pattern through practical application.

Why have I not decided to stop struggling?

Because I believe that my life is and must be a struggle. I also fear (admitting) having an easy/privileged life, because I judge people in privileged positions and believe that there is an honor in struggling.
Because I don’t think/believe I am able to. Because I have accepted and resigned to the belief that my life must be a struggle, as though that is my faith (again a Freudian slip. I meant to write “fate”), because it is what I was born into. Because I believe I am an inherently troubled person that deserves to struggle as part of my lesson to become a good, decent person.

Where do I have beliefs that peace and tranquility is not for me?

I believe peace and tranquility is not for me because:

It is wrong to live in peace and tranquility when the rest of the world suffers. Then it is an illusion
I do not have the right temper/nature/life circumstance to be able to experience peace and tranquility. There is something wrong with me/my nature.
I am still too high strung, uptight and emotionally wired. I need to fight these aspects of myself to access peace and tranquility, and thus peace and tranquility are too far way for me to be able to live.

When I see my thoughts and beliefs this way, I can see that I have conditioned myself to live a very limiting and self-deprecating life. I also see that peace and tranquility IS accessible to me, but that the real version of these words is something much more grounded than the way I’ve related to these words as something pristine and sacrilegious that I can’t possibly access. Because even when I live these words, I’d still be me. It’s about allowing myself to access/create/open myself up to a potential expression of me that’s always been here, but that I haven’t allowed to exist as a part of me. It is about making these words part of me, not the other way around.

Where do I see the potential for peace tranquility in my life?

Breathing. When I breathe I commune with my body, and I create space within me. I level and balance myself, and when I breathe directively with awareness, I put my focus on being here with all of me, rather than channeling myself into the mind and suppressing the rest of me.
Moving my body directively, specifically, precisely with awareness, care and grace.
Being in/looking at nature.
Cleaning/tidying/organizing
Working with shapes/geometry creatively/artistically
After/during physical labor and/or yoga/exercise
When I consistently decide to do/be what’s best and open myself to life/myself/my being
When I work through reactions in a self-supportive way and embrace all parts of me
When I sit on the floor, ground myself, do grounding things.

So ultimately, I actually see great potential for me to live peace and tranquility. However, I’ve created so many limiting beliefs and emotions around these words that I’ve warded myself in/kept them out, not actually allowing myself to even explore the potential of these expressions within me.

I will continue more in the next post.

[Photo by Josh Hild on Unsplash]

What being Hard on Yourself has to do with Delusional Self-Glorification. 408

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Throughout my life, I’ve created a pattern that is very self-destructive. It comes up when I make mistakes or when I fail at something (at least in my own eyes). I can be extremely hard on myself, and it is a terrifying feeling that leads me to want to punish and deprive myself. As someone once said, it’s a sadistic little program in the back of my mind. It is what has caused me to do a lot of self-deprecating things, and why I haven’t allowed myself to move or expand or do things to express care for myself. The flipside of it is that I’ve attempted to better myself FROM a starting-point of self-loathing and self-hate, thinking that the only way I could better myself was through external validation, literally trying to change myself from the outside in. I’ve believed (subconsciously) that if I could get others to believe that I’m awesome, and if I can present enough of an awesome image outwards, it WILL change me on the inside. But under that has always been a starting-point of not believing in or valuing myself at all, and therefore not believing that I would ever change my experience of my self-worth.

It has become crystal clear to me over the past year that accepting myself and loving and embracing all of me is the key to my process. Yet self-judgment and self-punishment is a persistent thing within me. I call it “falling into the pit” when it gets really bad. This doesn’t happen very often any longer, but it is quite brutal when it does. And it takes a toll on my body. Even now as I write this, I can see and feel the self-judgment as a ‘base layer’ that taints how I see things, and this is despite having worked with it extensively for many years. So a big question that pops up in me is: how do I let it go.

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a pattern where I attempt to change myself from the outside in, through external validation of worth, through creating an inflated projection of myself that I present to the world as who I am, and feverishly try to make real, because I have in essence given up on myself inside, because I loathe myself so extensively, that I don’t believe or accept myself as worthy or valuable through simply being me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience that my sense of self-worth is completely entangled with receiving external validation, to the point where I can’t separate the two or detangle them from one another

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of stepping into seeing and standing by my own worth and value, because I do not value it as much as I value the experience I get when I feel validated by others, because I don’t see myself as equally important

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see myself through a constant lens of self-judgment and I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted or allowed myself to be patient with myself and to actually give myself credit for the process I have walked and the steps I have already taken towards change.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience such extreme and intense guilt, shame, self-judgment and self-hate that I feel like I can barely stand being in my skin, like I can’t handle the sheer intensity of the experience, and so to cope with even just being inside myself, I do anything I can to ignore and get away from the experience, by distracting myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as soon as I see that I have made a mistake, or done something that wasn’t acceptable in a certain context that triggers this experience, such as in my parenting, to immediately see myself as a bad and horrible person that doesn’t deserve to live or be a mother, where my entire experience of myself becomes engulfed in this view, like a dark cloud that I wrap myself in

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that I hate myself when I do things that I see as unacceptable because it is so far from my expectations to myself and my image of myself when I am in a ‘high’ point within me and things are going seemingly great

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that the high I experience when I feel ‘on top’ isn’t in fact a natural state, or who or how I’m supposed to be, as it is an energetically charged experience, where I for whatever reason have lots of energy and feel great about myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see or accept that the state I’m in when I’m in a high isn’t in fact real, because I desperately want it to be, because it feels so great, and it would be so awesome if it is was real, because when I’m in that state, I feel invincible, supersmart and overall glowing and fantastic, and I fear that if I let it go, I will be left with myself in a bland experience at best and at worst, I will exist as my shitty self for the rest of my life, a loser and an emotional wreck

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see or accept the connection between me highest high state and my lowest low state, and how neither is attached to actions I take, as the actions serve merely as triggers, and as such, by attaching the energetic state to an action, and to myself, I shift my focus in to a delusion where I believe that my energetic experience of myself is an actual reflection of my reality/myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not put in the actual, physical work involved in self-change, of stopping and changing my thoughts and behaviors, in the small moments, and so through changing the substance of myself, little by little, become the person, with all the fibers in my being, that I have the potential to become, steadily, consistently and irrevocably.

Self-Corrective Statements

I commit myself to focus on changing myself in the small moments throughout my day where I see that I go into thoughts, emotions or backchat, as I realize that these are the real key and core to my swinging back from one polarity to another, and it is here that I am able to change myself, rather than trying to change myself by clinging to the positive polarity only to plunge head first into the negative

I commit myself to focus on remaining level-headed, stable and grounded through the practice of slowing down, focusing on my breath, being in my body, feeling my feet and my toes, doing yoga, be in nature, do self-forgiveness out loud and in writing every day and being with the stillness of myself as often as possible – as well as living specifically, directively and deliberately with intention and focused aim

I commit myself to slow myself down as soon as I see that I am speeding up inside myself because I know that this is an indication that I’m moving into high, positive energy so that I may stop the cycle before it spins into overdrive and extremes

I commit myself to, immediately as I see that I am swinging into self-hate and self-judgment, pull myself through as self-love and self-acceptance, and to specifically go and sit or walk or move with myself with the purposed intent of bringing myself back to stability – deliberately reminding myself that this is the low after a high, it’s a chemically induced experience and I cannot latch it onto actions. Here I also deliberately question the acts that I experience are causing me to hate and judge myself, because through looking deliberately with common sense on my actions, I can see that they don’t warrant hate or judgment, but often merely needs correction.

(Photo by Pim Chu for Unsplash)

Meeting the Mind with an Open Heart. 407

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To say that I have had a rough week would be an understatement. And it’s all about relationships on my part. Today I found out that someone whom I’ve had a strenuous relationship with, but that I thought was going in the right direction, more or less threw me under the buss and tried to deliberately come between myself and another person. Shit like that happens all the time. But this one really got me by the balls. As I reflect on it, it is a common scenario in my life, where I dare to be open and vulnerable and trust someone a little more with my heart, only to find it being stomped on. This is a STORY I’m telling myself through. One filled with remorse, self-pity, regret and blame. It doesn’t have to be who I am anymore. And this is what I will apply SF on today.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel gutted, and like my heart has been stomped on after finding out that someone whom I thought I was developing a closer and deeper relationship with, threw me under the bus and deliberately tried to cause split between myself and another person

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to rely too heavily on the heart/beingness connection I feel with someone, where it is clearly obvious to me that we feel each other on a deeper level, because I then end up feeling shocked and betrayed when they revert into a nasty mind pattern to protect themselves, forgetting and not realizing how deeply immersed into the mind’s patterns most people are – even if there is at the same time a pure connection to their heart that can be felt and seen.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to expect that, because a person and I have a heart/beingness connection, where I feel who they are on a deeper level, we are solid, our relationship is good and we can trust each other, not realizing how – as pure and as intense that feeling is, it is at the moment only a thread of a feeling, surrounded by an array of mind pattern tentacles that weave in and out of the person and fills them up and takes them over, because that is who and what they identify as for the most part

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed and betrayed when someone I thought I was reconciling with and connecting with on a deeper level, suddenly turns on me and does something that completely undermines the trust I thought we had built between us – not realizing that my disappointment is largely based on me creating unrealistic and romantic expectations about what holds a relationship together, when in fact all we had was a small – pure – life connection that hasn’t yet taken root and might not ever be able to

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and sorrowful because I feel like I have lost someone and the depth of my relationship with them, when really, all I’ve lost is my illusion of unrealistic expectations where I thought the relationship was something more than what it is

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that simply because a person does something unacceptable and nasty towards me – doesn’t mean that the real connection between us is gone, or that it wasn’t real to begin with

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not take into consideration the reasoning within which I imagine the person deciding to be nasty – most likely being in a state of fear and remind myself how I too have reacted in a similar way to protect myself and my beliefs about the world – and to instead use this opportunity to make a commitment to not accept or allow myself to do that again

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience that I don’t want anything more to do with this person, that I want to cut ties with them and that if I meet them, I don’t want to be nice to them or treat them as I have in the past, as I no longer feel I can trust them, or have a genuine, mutual connection with them – because they are apparently plotting against me behind my back, making me extremely uncomfortable to be in the same room as them, especially because it is not possible for me to speak with them about this incident

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing myself as vulnerable again, as this is a pattern I experience runs in my life, where when I let my guard down and allow myself to be fully open and vulnerable with someone, they do something – or so I experience it – to betray or hurt me or turn their back against me when I am at my most vulnerable

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel especially vulnerable, and way too open and to judge myself as stupid, when I have let my guard down in a relationship with someone and they do something I perceive as nasty or hurtful in a way that catches me off guard, because I think I should have known and I shouldn’t have let my guard down enough for them to get to me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see, judge and define my vulnerability and openness as a weakness – not realizing that the only weakness in these moments is my expectation of something that isn’t real, which is why I can be caught off guard in the first place, because I’ve created an idealized version of reality in my mind, where I don’t take all the variables of the human existence into consideration, and as such place myself at risk of being blindsided and betrayed

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not to realize that vulnerability and openness is me opening my heart and being to connect on a deeper level – and that it is not something I can expect to be respected or received with care or love, because of who we as human beings have accepted and allowed ourselves to become in and as the mind and in and as our systems of separation

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel bitter towards the person whom I perceive have betrayed me and thrown me under the bus, not realizing how, my reactions are in direct proportion with my expectations of my relationship with this person being deeper than it really was – and that the one who is responsible for my experience, is thus me, and me alone.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist meeting the person whom I perceive have betrayed me with the same warmth and vulnerability and connection as I have met them with before, because I know now that their intentions towards me perhaps aren’t as pure as I thought they were, in terms of actually wanting to creating a real, trusting and respectful relationship with me, not considering how this most likely was already the case before when I had greater expectations towards them and as such, the risks are exactly the same as before, only now I actually know that the trust and depth of the relationship is not as solid as I thought it was – which is ok.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that there is nothing weak or dangerous in exposing myself and standing vulnerable and open before another person, even if I perceive that they’ve betrayed me or have been nasty towards me, as long as I don’t accept or allow myself to have blind spots caused by unrealistic expectations and beliefs – and as such, that it is in fact a position of strength and a position of standing as what is best for all as Iife, and that it is not something I do FOR someone else, but for/as ME, because it is the change that I want to be in this world

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel resentment and distrust towards this person whom I perceive as though they have betrayed me, feeling like they’ve been fake and pretending to be my friend while actually scheming against me – when I first of all have no idea whether that is true, and I very well know how one can be several people at once, and secondly, the person is the same today as they were yesterday – the problem is with me creating unrealistic expectations and projections towards them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience that I cannot and do not want to be kind and natural towards this person, or to speak with them in the same ease as I have been doing, because I no longer trust them, when the fact of the matter is that I couldn’t trust them before either – as there has been no agreement or commitment to remain respectful with one another – and I know the person has not developed their awareness or self-honesty to the point of holding themselves accountable for their thoughts and backchat, and as such, I have proven to myself that it is indeed possible for me to be open hearted and vulnerable towards someone I don’t trust, and that the difference does not lie within whether they can be trusted, but in how I decide to express myself, and who I decide to be.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold someone’s actions of deceit and nastiness against them, when the fact of the matter is that it just as easily could have been me, and that it has been me, and that I very well understand the extremes to which we allow ourselves to go when we accept and allow ourselves to get caught in mind patterns of fear – where our single minded focus becomes to protect what we see as ours, no matter the consequence or cost, and as such I realize that I can’t hold it against them. And the only thing I can change here, is my own expectations towards the people around me, to simply know and remember and take into account, that people are still very much immersed in the mind, despite there being beautiful openings into their heart – and that I need to keep an open heart to walk with them, as best as I can, through it.

Self-Commitment

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to resist communicating with this person whom I perceive have betrayed me, or to allow myself to be open and vulnerable in front of them, I stop and I breathe. I realize and remind myself that being open-hearted is my decision, and is something I do for myself and for all of us and not something I do because a person has earned it through being trustworthy. I realize that my being open and another being trustworthy is not connected – as I can stand completely strong and safe in my openness, no matter how another expresses themselves or how they act towards me.

I commit myself to push myself to remain open-hearted towards this person. And I commit myself to not create expectations towards what a relationship is, based on there being a heart/beingness connection, because I realize that most of us here are still very much immersed in the mind, and will, if triggered go into destructive mind patterns. I also realize that I have a responsibility to help guide us through this – with my open-heartedness and my vulnerability and strength. I commit myself to dare to keep my heart open this time. And to stand within/as it, solidly planted on my own two feet.

When Your Child Prefers Someone Else. 406

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My daughter has been progressively been turning more and more towards her grandmother over the past couple of weeks, preferring her grandmother over me, calling out her name at night and pushing me away when I come to take her home. My experience and perception is that my mother in law revels in being favorized and this adds to my experience of dread and shame when I come to take my daughter home and she says no and clings to her grandmother.

It is a very strange – new – experience for me. Because at my core, I am glad that my daughter loves her grandmother. I am glad she has a grandmother that loves her and wants to do what is best for her. My mother in law is very protective of my daughter and as for her faults, they are (from my perspective) minor compared to the joy the two ladies feel for each other.

But at the same time I cannot help reacting, taking it personal and feeling so hurt and rejected. Interestingly enough, I see that the signature of the reaction comes from my memories from having girlfriends as a child, and us fighting over being friends with each other.

What happens within me is that I feel rejected, cast aside, and I start second guessing myself, wondering what I am doing wrong since I am not the favorite anymore. And ultimately at its very worst moments, I noticed how I respond by conceding which is a default mechanism of mine when things doesn’t go my way, and I back down and pull myself away from her, as if saying: “alright, if you don’t want to be with me, fine. Then I’ll pull away.”

But as I did self-forgiveness and reflected on this, I saw how this is the reaction of a narcissist and that one of the lessons I have to learn / stand as as a mother is to love my child fully, wholly, unconditionally, no matter what she says or does – that my love is an unwavering certainty, that I am here no matter what.

Coincidentally the pinnacle of this progression towards favoring her grandmother, happened at the same time as my family, including my mother and sister came to visit. My mother and sister have a strained relationship, and as I observed them I could see how a big part of the problem lies within my mother’s total narcissism, which for some reason is much more triggered when she’s with my sister than when she is with me. She makes everything about her, and she waits for my sister to show her love – something that is totally impossible because she is the adult in the dynamic, at least when one follows traditional family dynamic patterns. To a great degree I am proud to say that I’ve released myself from almost all such patterns, which makes it possible for me to have a relationship with my mother without much expectations towards her being “motherly” as such. Early on I realized that if I were to have a relationship with her, it would to some extent have to be on her terms, and I would have to accept her as the woman she is, not as the mother she’ll never be.

But as I watched how she behaved towards my sister, in a selfish and self-absorbed way, and remembered what that was like for me as a child, I started fearing that this is how I am towards my daughter, and that she’s choosing her grandmother over me, for this reason. But the ironic thing about it is that me taking her preferences personal, is exactly that point of narcissism in a nutshell. And being like that is the last thing I want to be. But it did get me reflecting on where I AM lacking in my parenting, and where my mother in law has strengths that I could learn from.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my child’s preferences about who she wants to be within in a moment, about me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take it personal that my child prefers to be with her grandmother over me, and that she will actively push me aside when I come to get her from her grandmother

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how I’ve contributed to creating a polarized situation where I desperately wants my daughter to prefer me, most likely causing her to be somewhat uncomfortable with me, as she picks up on me not being natural and unconditional with her, and with me wanting something from her, wanting her to be something and do something for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel rejected by my daughter, and take it personally, when she prefers her grandmother over me, when the fact of the matter is that there can be a thousand different reasons why she has this preference, that has nothing to do with me or our relationships

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make my relationship with my child dependent on her prefering to be with me, and her expressing herself positively towards me, and as soon as she doesn’t I retreat, concede and start backing out of the relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a habit and pattern of conceding almost immediately whenever things don’t go my way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define relationships as exclusive within me, where I have created a belief that someone can only have one meaningful and loving relationship, and as such that a relationship is a scarce resources that must be fought over

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to start second guessing myself when my daughter prefers her grandmother, as though my value and quality as a mother is exclusively determined by my daughter liking me and wanting to be with me – a problem because there is likely to be times where she’ll react to me, which doesn’t make me any less of a good or decent mother

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make my relationship with my child about me, about her being or doing something for me, that makes me feel a certain way, because that is how I’ve always related to other people – having no stable or solid relationship with myself and not having developed any self-value and therefore tying my value to other people liking me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge my mother for being narcissistic and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel paranoid and afraid that I am towards my daughter like my mother has been towards me and my sister, when I know for a fact that it is not true – and yet in some aspects it is, like in my needing her to love me, but in contrary to my mother, I have the tools of self-forgiveness and self-correction, so I have a direct opportunity and responsibility to change

Self-correction

When and as I see that I react to my daughter preferring to be with her grandmother or someone else, I stop and I breathe and let go of my reaction.

I commit myself to open myself up and push myself to be curious and open towards my daughters preference of someone else, and I remind myself that it has nothing to do with my relationship with her – and I stand back inside myself in the certainty of my love for her.

Fear that My Child Will be an Outcast and an Outsider. 405

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I have a fear that I will make it difficult for my daughter to make friends, and that this will make her lonely and an outcast. The the feeling is very intense. I was speaking to my partner about it, and what came up is that this fear of not having friends – and all the things we do to avoid that fear – is due to a built-in survival instinct that tells us that “alone I am nothing.” In ancient societies you could effectively use outcasting as the ultimate punishment as a person would not survive in the wilderness by themselves. It is also why the silent treatment is so effective. No one wants to be kicked out or isolated from the group.

It came up strongly when we were at the local pool. There were other kids in the kiddie pool and my girl was clearly interested in them. In not going to daycare she already stands out from her peers, as she doesn’t spend very much time with other children, and it is something I as a mother am acutely aware of (and stressed out about), particularly in not wanting her at an disadvantage, and therefore feeling that I constantly have to compensate because it is assumed in the culture I come from that it’s best for you to go to daycare and be ‘socialized’ around other children.

At the pool there were some older children playing and as they were going down the slide next to her, my girl tapped herself on her chest and said her name, meant for them to hear it. They didn’t hear her or probably care about her as they were much older than her, and she did not seem to care that they didn’t respond, but in me it sparked an intense reaction of emotional pain.

Reflecting on it, what I saw is a fear of her innocently welcoming herself into the world, completely open and vulnerable, only to be ignored, rejected, teased or ridiculed by other children. I looked at how it would break my heart to see her that way, and at the same time, it was such a beautiful gesture of her, not even two years old, announcing herself to the world, and making it known that she’s here, that she matters.

The other point that has come up in relation to this point, is a memory of my own mother, whom I experienced as socially difficult and awkward as a child, at least in certain situations. At my school functions I experienced her as severely self-conscious and having emotional reactions of feeling rejected, isolated and excluded, due to her age and due to her being single whereas a lot of the other children had both a mom and a dad with them.

I took it very, very hard. Too hard probably, and as I’m beginning to understand myself more, I can see how a part of my being is a point of seriousness and depth, which has not always served me to my favor. Another is the fact that I as a person am all about relationships, and was so as well as a child, and I really needed an adult who could help me navigate friendships and relationships – and my mom basically had the opposite effect, of creating even more issues in me, due to her own issues. So in that sense, we were a bad combo. Although I’m actually certain that it might not have even been as big a deal to her as it was to me. But that’s because of my signature.

It was difficult for me that people didn’t like my mother, and subconsciously I internalized that and developed a great fear from it. I developed a belief that “If people don’t like you, they won’t help you, they’ll be against you, and you’ll be all alone having no one to call on, having to fend for yourself.” So somehow, along the way, I made it my mission to become likable. I studied what made other people likable and tried to copy and emulate that. So I would be helpful without being genuinely helpful for example. I learned how to be funny by studying sound, pitch, and timing of language.

And at the age of 19, I got my first real friend. Until then, it was an extremely stressful experience for me, desperately trying to gain friends, and feeling like the biggest loser in the world because it was difficult for me. I played with other children, but I cannot say that it was the most natural, or enjoyable relationships.

So – I have a fear that it will be the same for my girl, and that I will make the same mistakes that my mother made with me. And I see how I can create issues for her that might not even exist to begin with. Because I AM all about relationships. And I do enjoy getting to know people. And I don’t often create problematic relationships with people or go into isolation. And the other thing is that I have learned that the most important relationship a person can have, is with oneself. And second thereafter comes parents, not friends. Friends are cool for sure, but they’re not a matter of life and death.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow a reaction within me of feeling like my heart is breaking when I see my girl innocently, openly and vulnerably open herself up to other children or people, in my anticipating and expecting that they will ignore her, push her down, laugh at her and ridicule her as that is the association I have towards expressing myself this way, from when I was a child – and because I have tied this association and fear to this expression, I expect that it will happen to my child as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear, but also expect that my child will be pushed down and ridiculed for expressing and sharing herself innocently, openly and vulnerably by other children and by adults, because that is what I experienced as a child, and when I imagine it happening to my child, it’s like it’s happening all over again to me, because this experience still sits within me as a trauma and a fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that what I fear is that my girl will be hurt and wounded and that she will pull back into herself, but in actuality I am afraid of again standing in the experience I had as a child where I expressed and shared myself vulnerably and openly and experienced that I was ridiculed and talked to in a harsh way by other children and adults.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to so extensively start fearing being open and vulnerable as a child, that I deliberately hardened myself, and sought to become smart and cool and calculated and strategic in my communication with others, so that I would never again be caught of guard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself in full and exposed openness as who I am, because I believe and expect that I will be taken advantage of, laughed at, ridiculed or abused in some way, to the extent where there is a part of me that wants to keep my child away from other people, to protect her innocence so that she doesn’t have to lose it, or lose herself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately hide and suppress my pure expression, and to always be on guard and have an edge around me, always being ready for an attack, and never actually allowing myself to fully relax and be myself around other people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the innocent and unconditional openness in my child’s expression when she announces herself to the people, where I react with experiencing it like I’ve been gut punched and my stomach is constricting – because I fear that within myself and do not allow myself to express in this way, not realizing that my child is not me, she may not have the same issues I did, and as opposed to when I was growing up, she actually has me as a parent and her father, as people who are walking their own process towards standing up as who we are in the fullness of our expression, and who will therefore support her to do the same, as well as will be able to support her if she does experience emotional reactions towards someone ridiculing her – and as such support her to keep standing as who she is, no matter what.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try to protect my child by deliberately stepping in when I for example see that she’s expressing herself towards adults and they are, from my perspective, ignoring her – not realizing how I am within doing so projecting my own fear of not being heard, seen and taken serious onto her, and am effectively making my issues her issues, when she might not need my protection and I can’t even protect her from facing reality and the devolved state of humanity, which is something we all have to walk through and take responsibility for as self in each our own way, in order to walk our process from consciousness to awareness, including my child.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will make it difficult for my child to have friends, because I feel socially awkward and struggle with friendships, but also because that is exactly what I experienced happened with my mother, and so I fear the past repeating itself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place extensive value in children having friends, due to this being hyped as extremely important in the culture I live in, and because I have accepted and allowed myself to integrate it as a truth within me, founded upon a deep-seated fear of being outcast and alone, and as such unable to survive

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that everything is in reverse and that the creators of consciousness most certainly would’ve wanted human beings to be split into and between themselves, to actually fear the one place that is the path towards real oneness and equality which is: inside ourselves, alone.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the power within standing alone, is in fact that through standing alone, one has the opportunity to walk one’s process from consciousness to awareness, because developing a connection to one’s body and beingness is crucial, and because the opposite of aloneness, as society and culture currently only exists to promote separation and illusion, whereas aloneness (except for in thinking) is still to an extent “pure”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself and my decision not to place my child into the care of other people, because I experience a distinct push and drive from society and people around me to do exactly that, and because people find me strange and intimidating for not doing it (Like I’m “off” and they don’t like it, and I don’t like THAT lol), because I have developed my value in relation to being liked and accepted by others, and as such am afraid of the exact ostracization I was talking about earlier – when I know for a fact that my child is doing very well, is thriving, has an awesome life, and has a rather minimal need to spend time with other children

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not yet stand fully secure and trusting of myself in my decision to not put my child into care of other people, because there is a part of me that knows that what I am doing is unpopular, and it causes certain people to react to me, and even frown upon my decision, and I have a fear towards that, because I have a fear of being ostracized, because I have not yet stood in the power of being alone inside myself –  not fully realizing or embracing that I’ve got all of existence inside me, as me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame my mom for causing me to struggle making friends as a child, and I forgive my mother for not taking responsibility for walking her own process from consciousness to awareness, and step up as a support for me to learn how to navigate the world effectively, and for example share with me the power and value of being alone.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project my mom’s experience of awkwardness onto myself and to internalize an experience of feeling like an outsider that I interpreted that my mother was experiencing and creating a distinct feeling of being an outsider that I now fear I will transfer to my child – not realizing how, being an outsider has been my saving grace in many respects, and is in fact one of my strengths and one of the things I appreciate the most about my life, and as such nothing I have to fight or fight for, but simply something I rest in and as, as I integrate and immerse myself fully with the groups of people I surround myself with, without it changing who I am at my core – and as such, my child too will be an outsider because she is my child, but I have the opportunity to also show her how to be an insider, as everyone we meet is part of us as we are part of them, and as such there is no distance, separation and nothing to fear – because all we can ever meet, is ourselves.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place extreme value and importance on being liked and accepted by other people, specifically because I believe that I am an outsider, someone that has negative value because of that, and therefore that I MUST struggle in order for other people to accept me – and if they don’t, it will be because there is something wrong with me, and not for instance because they recognize parts of themselves in me, that they don’t want to meet, and as such, whether people align to me and want to create relationships with me or not, is really more about them than it is about me. I can be a total asshole and people might still want to create a relationship with me because that resonated with something in them.

Self-Commitment Statements

When and as I see that a fear of being alone and an outsider in social situations comes up within me, I stop, I breathe and I remind myself of who I am and where I am.

I commit myself to embrace the fact that I am an outsider and be proud of the life I’ve lived and walked, and to use it to actually get “inside” in terms of actually connecting with people on real, deep levels that will bring us together instead of perpetuate separation in this world.

When and as I see that I fear or doubt myself in relation to providing my daughter with proper social relationships, I look at her and make a self-honest assessment in self-trust about her well-being and living conditions and whether they are up to standards that I can accept and condone.

I commit myself to stand within self-trust that I am doing what I see is best for my child and that I am able to assess and take responsibility to do so, if she is not thriving in the environment I have selected for her – and to take action accordingly.

I commit myself to stop living for people to like me and accept me, and to instead live and walk from a starting-point of standing and walking in my aloneness, as all-one-ness. I commit myself to push myself to express myself fully, as who I am without fear.

[Photo by Steve Courmanopoulos for Unsplash]

Bearing Witness to a World in Suffering from a Distance. 404

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The other day there was a discussion about the current world situation, and in particular about nations like Zimbabwe collapsing, and the internet being shut down. It sparked a fear within me, although it’s not something I usually react to, and also something that, if I do, I can quickly speak common sense to myself and calm myself down. This time was different, and it is because I have a child, and it triggers a much deeper reaction within me. I also saw a post recently about a father in a war torn country having to sell his child. The child looked like my daughter in its expression, and the love they felt for one another was obvious. I cannot imagine having to sell my child because I can’t afford to feed it.

A bit later I asked my girl if she wanted to go upstairs and play in the bed together. Usually we don’t do that in the evening so it was a bit different. When we came up, a shift suddenly happened within her, and she froze completely, only to cling to me desperately. I had to hold her very tight, as though she wanted me to encompass her totally. Every time I tried letting go, she started wimping. It took about ten minutes. I held her in my heart and breathed and I shared with her how she could center herself inside herself and hold herself inside. Eventually I asked Viktor to come. I had a sense that it would be better if we held her together.

He came, and she climbed into his arms, sat with him, but holding herself, and in a few minutes she was fine. She’s never done that before, as she usually seeks me. But it was obvious that he was the one who could support her with stability in that moment.

I looked at the point and how I could relate, and I remembered how as a child I would experience this “existential insecurity” and I can definitely see that in my girl’s experience, and in it being directly related back to MY experience of going into this “fear of survival” which is not a common experience for me.

When looking at “Who would I be in that situation?” there is no doubt that I’d do whatever I can to protect myself. I’d go into “Let’s do this” mode. There’s not really anything to say about that.

However – the fact of the matter is that thousands and billions of people – and children right now are living under conditions that are not acceptable for anyone. And so I am confronted with feeling deeply ashamed. Ashamed that things are going so well for me, that I have it so easy. That I live in such a bubble wrapped reality (online and in the physical system here in Sweden) that I can, if I want to, completely forget about all the suffering that people experience here in this world. I’m ashamed that I can sit down and “relax” and “have fun” and take life and things for granted, beings spoiled and complain about things that others would kill to have.

Obviously a nation or world collapse can hit me as well, on a direct level, but what matters is that it’s ALREADY hitting me, as all the other parts of me. And it’s important for me to remember that, to carry that with me, and to not delude myself that the happiness I feel is real, because life might be going great for me, but for the whole as a whole its not. I’m not used to things going great for me either, so it’s definitely felt like “I made it!” and just wanting to revel in that. But I definitely also see and understand that it means that I have a greater responsibility to give back, and to do what I can to make a difference. It’s about carrying the world – as it is – with me inside my heart, and to never lose sight of that or what we’re here to do. When painful stuff comes up on my SoMe feed, I quickly scroll over it, because I feel so sick to my stomach when I see animals, humans or the planet suffering. It’s like my heart is breaking every time, and it feels like if I were to look at it, it will break. And maybe it has to. Maybe the only self-honest way to live is to walk around with a broken heart, for me at least. Cause otherwise I’d be living on a lie, and by living on a lie, I’m also capitalizing on the suffering of others standing on their backs, and there’s a deliberateness in that, when i KNOW that it’s possible to create a world where no one has to suffer. So how do one live with the state of the world in one’s heart, while at the same time remain diligent to make a difference, and perhaps even be successful at doing exactly that? I don’t know yet but I have to find out.

In the culture I live in we talk so much about how we can do “little things” to make a difference to things like climate changes, or we donate to charity or go vegan and think that we’ve done our part. But what we often don’t realize is all the myriad of other little things we do, through which we contribute to things being fucked up in this world. We are so far removed and separated from our own creation and ourselves as one, that we don’t even see the direct correlations between things we do (or don’t do), and thoughts we think, with the current state of the world. I was for instance just watching a video of two children at the same age as my girl hit by an airstrike in Syria. I feel incredibly sad and angry and despairing for these children, and when watching it, it’s almost like I can’t stand being inside myself… but at the same time, I am seeing it from a distance, I’m not a part of it, and it’s not (really) a part of me. There is a level of distance, through which I relatively comfortably allow myself to right after continue scrolling aimlessly in a state of comfortable numbness.

When looking at the world situation from a holistic perspective, it is like seeing all these dark spots of suffering around the world, and then in the middle there are these tiny white bubbles, and inside them are the rich countries of the world, the places where almost no one suffers in a fundamental sense of the word. And I am in one of those countries. And for us to change the world, only the people in these countries has the capacity to do so, because to even be capable of conceiving of creating greater ripples in society, you got to be fed, you got to sleep. You can’t worry about getting raped, or your child freezing to death. So where this whole thing lands is on the responsibility I have to do my part to make a difference in the world, which I first and foremost do through changing myself and walking through my own mind. If I don’t, if we don’t, we who actually have the opportunity to, the darkness will little by little seep into even our bubbles, and in the end, only suffering will be left.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get lost in my own privileged life, because it is so easy for me to “turn the world off” as there is very little in my culture to remind me of the true nature of the world, unless I seek it out myself. On contrary, everything in my culture supports me to remain within my little bubble, and I allow it to, directly and indirectly.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to remain in my bubble where life is great and everything is comfortable, and not want to be disturbed in my bubble by real life events that remind me how fucked up the world is, because that brings me down, makes me sad and angry and scared, and that takes me out of my little bubble of comfort and fun and then I don’t know what to do with myself because I can’t just go and make those people’s lives better, so there’s a level of having to accept and impossible, and unacceptable situation that makes me feel desperate and powerless and I don’t like feeling desperate and powerless so therefore I do nothing.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react when hearing about collapsing governments and the internet disappearing and people not having access to food, because I don’t want that to happen to me, instead of realizing that it is ALREADY happening to ME, as another me, as all the people in the world who are living in suffering RIGHT NOW who are also a part of me, and my fear is really bound in me not wanting to lose what I have, deep down knowing that what I have is built on a lie, a lie of safety and prosperity and equality and fairness – and the truth is that suffering can happen to any of us, and is, and tomorrow it might be me, and as such, this reaction is showing me that I’ve been living in an illusion in my mind, where I have been hiding from the reality of me as the greater me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actively accept and allow myself to NOT care about what is going on in the world, in the real lives of real people, and despite knowing inside me the level of suffering that is going on – and that I am accepting through my creatorship – pretend like it’s all good and well in the world, because if it’s not happening to me directly, it’s not my problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that it is only through me standing up, in and as my full responsibility as a creator in this world that we will be able to stop the suffering that is currently the every-day life of billions of people and animals

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately avoid looking at images of people or animals suffering or reading such stories, because of how it makes me feel inside myself, like my heart is breaking and I can’t stand existing inside myself – giving myself the possibility to LOOK AWAY and pretend like it isn’t real, and that it isn’t happening to a part of me, and so convince myself that it’s ok for me to not concern myself with, because it’s not good for me to become upset or sad – instead of realizing that I SHOULD be upset and sad and use that to motivate me to make a difference – and to stand up in and as my creatorship in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of unawareness of what’s really going on in the world, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a mechanism and a habit to exist within me, where I deliberately will try to turn off any awareness I have of what’s really going on in the world, in terms of the extent to which people are actually really suffering

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of living in a country where suffering barely exists, and where I experience problems that aren’t real problems compared to the suffering many must go through, feeling tainted and undeserving and even unjustly targeted for my “white privilege”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself because I feel targeted and guilty for living a painfree elitist life style compared to most people in this world

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not diligently remove and shut down all the noise of my mind that is prohibiting me from taking full responsibility as a creator in this world, and of myself

Self-Commitments

I commit myself to push myself to stand WITH the suffering of this world, and to push myself until I do everything I can in my power to make a difference, and to end suffering.

I commit myself to push myself to stop avoiding the real issues of this world, and to directively recognize and see where I with my behavior am contributing to creating and condoning the suffering of others.

I commit myself to look at the images of suffering and allow my heart to break and be broken, and to use that to motivate me to walk my process from automated consciousness to directive awareness as diligently as possible – until no actions taken by me are contributing to suffering, but are instead alleviating it.

If you want to do what I do, check out: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

I also recommend listening to this recording: https://eqafe.com/p/fear-of-death-life-review

[Photo by Franke Kolleman on Unsplash]

Dedicating 2019 to my Body. 403

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I have made a commitment to dedicate this year to BODY LOVE. It is something I’ve been focusing more and more on over the past few years, and that I started really kicking into gear last year. This year I want to dedicate to my body, to have awareness and consideration with me as I move throughout my day, and do what I can to support my body to live its utmost potential. This has not always been a given. And it is not something that’s been easy for me. In fact, it’s been probably the most difficult point in my process to work and walk with. And the key to solving it has been SELF-LOVE.

So today I rubbed my chest muscles with essential oils that I let my body pick out (it chose wintergreen, geranium and ylang ylang). I want to push this point of allowing my body to come to the forefront, and trust myself to communicate with my body and listen when my body communicates. And on Saturday I’ll be going for a full body massage and facial treatment, a gift gifted to me by my in-laws for my birthday. I can tell you that my body is looking SO much forward to that one. I’ve also been pushing daily exercise/body movement, and I must say that a life lived from a place of self-love (rather than self-loathing, hate and punishment as I have in the past) is so much more enjoyable. Even the things I previously considered to be “boring” or “dull” or “annoying” are now meaningful because I come from a place of self-love. Things like broccoli, or exercise or learning how to best support my body online. Things that may be obvious for other people, who do them without hesitation. But for me, it was anything but. And slowly but surely, change is coming through, in small, everyday moments in my life. Small but significant change.

I am sharing so much about this at the moment, because I would like to support others to give themselves the same gift that I’ve been able to give to myself, finally, after so many years of being supported by others having walked the same path before me. I feel like a person who’s been walking in a desert for my entire life and has suddenly discovered that there’s an infinite source of water within me. If I can support someone to be a little less lost or dried out within themselves, I’ll happily do that. All you have to do is ask.

Walking into 2019 from an Empty Feeling to Focusing on What Matters. 402

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It is the first day of the year, the first day of rest of your life. It’s worldwide pizza day. It’s the day when most people are waking up hungover. How are you feeling?

It is January 1st and I am sitting here with an empty, sad feeling. If I recall correctly, it is the same feeling that I’ve had year after year on this exact day, and I wonder if I perhaps am not alone in having this feeling on this exact day; that maybe my experience is about me picking up on a collective emotion that sweeps through the world today. Or maybe the experience is triggered by memories of past January 1sts. I don’t feel connected with the intensity and flow of creativity and inspiration that I’ve felt so much during the past year, and that scares me. I don’t like feeling empty and directionless. In the past I would’ve thrown myself head first into this feeling, addicted to the melancholy of emotional pain. It is something that I’ve started changing in the past year. And as I started this writing, I simultaneously started writing in my notebook about the things I want to change/create in 2019. As soon as I did that, I centered inside myself and came back to the place within myself that’s become more and more familiar; a place where I can envision changes and be ambitious towards what I want to create. It’s play and it’s seriousness at the same time. So rather than remaining in this state of emptiness, I immediately direct myself out of it and focus on creation. I will therefore instead dedicate this post to taking charge and direction over my life by doing a last reflection of the year that’s past and a new commitment for the future.

What I have changed in 2018.

I don’t usually look at what I have changed or how I have improved in the past, and already now I can say that this is a significant change I’ve made in 2018. I’ve become more empowered, I stand by myself more. I’m less ashamed or self-conscious. I allow myself to express more as who I am. The whole point started with me recognizing my inner strength, for the first time in my life. That was the most transformational moment of 2018 for me. I have also started doing yoga in 2018, have been listening more to my body, and quite significantly, I’ve changed my diet 180 degrees. In the beginning of December I stopped watching tv-series and movies and by the end of the month, my husband and I cancelled our streaming subscriptions. Instead we’ve joined Spotify and are considering joining an audio book service. In general, I would say that my quality of life has improved in 2018. I’ve started standing more up for myself and my needs, and I’ve started living more from a place of self-love. I’ve also started working on my relationship with my partner in a much more active way, and of course I started a new job, designing and directing a new course for teaching assistants at a local community college. I now juggle that job with my responsibility as stay-at-home-mom. Thats’ been quite the journey I can tell you.

What I take with me into 2019

In 2019, I want to continue with my diet, and I want to make it more airtight so that I have less and preferably no falls. But I remain embracing of myself if or when I do fall. I want to continue not watching tv-series because I actually find that I do quite nice without them. Maybe I’ll quit them for an entire year and see where it takes me. I also want to continue specifying my relationship with being online, on my phone and on social media. I am committing myself to be more directive and specific with how I use and spend time on social media. I do not want to demonize it or make it at fault for how I use it. And I do see the use for it. Here I also want to spend some time defining what I want my relationship with social media to be. For example, I enjoy sharing myself with the world, and it is cool when people are supported by what I share. That serves a purpose. In general, I have given 2019 the headline FOCUS ON WHAT MATTERS. I want to make sure that I spend my time wisely and directively, that I decide what to do with my time, and don’t spend time doing things and focusing on things that doesn’t matter. Life is so short and we only have this one life, so I want to make the most of it. I want to give it all I got. Focusing on being more authentically me, and especially in my sharing on social media has been liberating and fun. It is also something I take with me and continue to push, including being specific and directive about the people I invite into my life.

What I will change in 2019

One of the most important things that I want to change in 2019, and in light of the headline I’ve given myself, is that I want to focus more on myself. Both in my relationship with my partner and my child, but also in my relationship with myself. In my relationship with my partner, I am committing myself to bring all the parts that are not effective, back to myself, same with my child, and in lue of that I am also committing myself to focus more on breath, writing and forgiveness this year. I also want to focus more on my body. It’s something I started pushing very much last year already, but I want to amp it up a notch this year. In general, I experience this year as an opportunity to level up, and to be more ambitious with the points I’ve already started changing. Oh and something else is that I am committing myself to becoming better at redirecting myself back to stability when I’ve allowed myself to become possessed or emotional. That’s a general point of directing myself more as an authority of myself, having the responsibility to direct myself in an effective way, for myself, my body, my child, my husband, everyone else around me, and ultimately the world as a whole of which I am a part of and an influence towards, for better or worse. Finally, I want to also kick my future plans up a notch and will soon be walking into my first Mastermind meeting with a group of lovely people. I also plan on hosting meetings in the future as well as continue writing on my books.

I plan on kicking ass in 2019… mostly my own, in a good and supportive way.

That’s how I’m laying out my 2019 before me. How is yours looking so far?

 

A NEW YEAR. A NEW Opportunity to Stand. A NEW Opportunity to Change. 401

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I have decided to dedicate the remaining days of 2018 to reflecting on the years that’s passed, and in that, note the points that I will commit myself to change, expand and improve on in the new year.

One of the first points that’s come up as I have reflected on the “theme” of my 2018 experience, is that it has been one of the most INTENSE years of my life, on all fronts. I’ve never felt any more alive than I have this year. Every day has been like a roller coaster ride with intense ups and downs, and I’ve experienced myself as very “off centered” and “buzzed” half the time. This is something I would like to change; not the intensity per se (because it’s also an expression of who I am), but the roller coaster experience and then intense emotions – especially because I do not want my child to pick that up from me, and integrate it into herself as part of her. Again, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. But it is not supportive, when one unnecessarily spirals oneself into the belly of emotion, with the purpose of creating drama and stir shit up, but where you end up losing yourself in the emotion and believing it to be real.

I like that this year has been intense too. Like I said, I’ve never felt more alive. But there is something to be said for keeping a nice balance and remaining grounded. I do not enjoy becoming riled up over small things, and losing my shit every two seconds. It’s kind of like being bi-polar and having the manic and depressive mood swings go off at all times of the day at its worst. At its best, I am like a force of nature, a force to be reckoned with. I joked with my partner that it is like I have this new superpower, like having a beam of fire flooding from my chest, and I do not yet have control over it or know how to direct it, and so consequently, I burn everything down half the time. And I am sure my body, however strong it is, is taking a toll because of it. So in the new year, one of my goal is to give specific and clear direction to my fire and my intensity – and to ground it within me.

So what is the solution?

The way I see it, it’s really very much about creating a physical anchoring and grounding within myself, which I do for example through my commitment to start writing again, through my yoga practices, through on-the-spot self-forgiveness out loud. Ultimately I see it being about preventing these explosive moments. Sometimes it is THAT simple. I can used the earthed/earthing side of me to ground the fire that is within me, so that I can nurture and harness it in the best way possible.

Time-Looping a Mistake. 400

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Last week I walked into a time-loop in my mind that I then remained within for the greater part of a week. This is what happened:

I met with someone whom I sort of looked up to and saw as a role model. In already going into the meeting with that attitude, I felt insecure and inferior. During the meeting I felt like the person was better than me, how I should be more like them, and also how I am already, is not good enough. It was like, seeing how great they were, made me see myself in a different light. Looking back, I can see how it was an idea about myself that dropped in that moment I compared myself to the other person, like before meeting them I had way too high thoughts about myself, and after I had way too low thoughts about myself – not really seeing myself there in the middle being equal parts good and bad.

So the point that I compared revolved around what food I am feeding my child, and I had until now seen myself as giving my child healthy and wholesome food. But this person was feeding their children with even MORE awareness, on a whole other level than I was, and compared to them, it was obvious to me that what I was feeding my child was virtually ‘unhealthy’ – and so I judged myself as being not a good enough mom to my child. So in one moment I went from being “quite ok” to being “not at all ok” – but what was even worse was that I reacted so promptly and so subtly to my own self-judgment that I went into a complete shut-down inside myself.

And it was only when my husband yesterday asked me: “Can you center yourself inside yourself?” that I slowly but surely started finding my way back to myself. I realize that this is a tendency I have, to deeply suppress reactions, especially when they are towards myself, realizing that I’ve done something wrong within self-judgment. I liken it to a child hiding a mistake because it knows it will be scolded.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into massive self-judgment and scolding when realizing that the food I have been feeding my child is not as good as I thought it was.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty and ashamed for having fed my child food that isn’t healthy.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have created a relationship with making mistakes where I immediately go into massive self-judgment and shame the moment my mistake is revealed to me, causing me to in turn go into massive suppression to not have to ‘suffer’ from my own scolding – and so disconnect myself from my awareness to not have to face myself in/as self-judgment and scolding.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make it impossible for myself to learn from my mistakes because I immediately go into such judgment and self-blame that I suppress the mistake and even go into a suppressed state of living in relation to other parts of myself – all so that I don’t have to suffer from my own self-judgment, causing myself even more harm in the process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of self-punishment when I make a mistake that I judge and blame myself for, where I start treating myself and my body in a punishing way of not doing what is best for me but resort to past addictions and habits that I associate with being in that state of self-punishment and suppression.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not create a wholesome relationship with myself in making mistakes where I can face myself and face my mistakes with clarity and self-honesty and gentleness – and immediately and simply move into finding solutions and corrections as well as understanding why I made the mistake in the first place.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feed my child with a particular type of food simply because I saw other parents feeding their children with this food and considered them to be “proper” parents and so didn’t even question or consider the nutritional value of this food for myself because I blindly assumed that if other parents give their child this food, it must be ok.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of internal conflict towards whether to emphasize what is considered ‘healthy food’ or whether to be more relaxed about the food that my child eats, not judge certain foods as unhealthy – where I experience that both approaches are flawed in that one isn’t flexible and the other has the potential of trusting information that isn’t reliable – in which case I realize that I have the ability to make assessments for myself based on common sense in the moment, something that I’ve not dared to trust myself with until now.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold and hang on to a definition of myself as being someone who can’t be trusted to care for a body or provide a body with proper nutrition and so hold onto a judgment of me that keeps me in a limited position of agency – because I then have to rely on the information of others which I see as flawed, exactly because it’s not me having done the research myself and made decisions based on common sense and a holistic perspective on the body and on food.

Self-Corrective Statements.

When and as I see that I am judging myself for a mistake I’ve made where I feel that intense regret and blame towards myself, I stop myself, move myself to gentleness and understanding and drop the judgment so that I can see the mistake for what it is – and instead move to focus on a solution.

I realize that with my current relationship with mistakes, I’ve made it impossible for myself to correct my mistakes and as such I have ‘doomed’ myself to cycle in the same mistakes over and over – which is not what I want to live or model to my child.

I commit myself to take responsibility for myself and for my mistakes, to instead implement gentleness, understanding and self-acceptance in relation to mistakes – and not judge myself for not being perfect.
I commit myself to work on trusting myself through doing proper research and investigation on what foods are supportive for my and my child’s bodies.