Reacting to People Who Assume They are Automatically Right. DAY 385

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Superior authorityThere is a person in my world whom I have perceived and reacted to as always thinking that they are right, that their perspective is obviously correct at all times, and that they are going as far as seeing other people’s point of view as ridiculous and stupid, whenever they don’t agree with them. I have been struggling for a long time when having discussions with this person because I perceive – and react to them as being absolutist in assuming that their statements/perspectives are automatically right, no matter their level of expertise or experience with the subject.

So I have been looking at my reactions towards this and asked myself why I react so much to this, because in reality, it is not like I have to care. It is not like something bad happens to me just because someone else makes an absolute statement. The interesting thing however is that it feels that way to me, especially when discussing subjects that are ‘close to my heart’ towards which I may experience myself being more vulnerable and more protective.

An example could be that I say to this person that when I have a child I will co-sleep with my child as I see it as a natural thing to do and then the other person saying something like “Don’t do that. That’s not going to work at all. That’s just some hippie bullshit. I never did that with my children and they are all fine.”

In that moment, I am absolutely clear on my perspective because often times it will be something I have investigated and researched over a lengthy period of time, or I will simply have a different life experience with the point causing me to see things differently from this person.

In looking deeper at the experience that comes up within me when I discuss with this person, it is a feeling of them forcing their ‘reality’ on me, because they are saying (or what I am hearing them say) is “THIS IS THE TRUTH, and whatever perspective you have, it is just dumb and silly and how stupid can you be for ever considering something like that?”

I see where the person is coming from in for example being older than me and therefore coming from a different generation which has affected them in seeing the world a certain way, but I also see myself as having expanded from that into a new world-view while still being aware of the old world view that they hold, but it is entirely impossible for me to share this with them. This is definitely a generational issue and many older people have this issue towards those who are younger, which in fact means that they miss out on a lot by holding onto an idea of knowing more by default.

My current strategy is to get as quickly out of these discussions as possible, because I do not see any practical or constructive point with them and it makes me extremely uncomfortable to engage in, even for five minutes. I can sit and listen passively virtually without reacting, unless I perceive the other person is being demeaning towards people with a different perspective, but I cannot engage without reacting.

So in looking at this, I can see that the reaction stems from childhood and from the experience of being treated poorly and without respect by adults. There would be this general agreement and assumption that, because you are a kid, your perspectives are automatically naïve and unworthy to consider, and obviously in some instances they would be naïve, which shouldn’t really be something to mock or ridicule something over in the first place, but in other instances, I might actually see common sense and the adult might for instance be in a possession of anger, jealousy or in a certain belief-system and STILL they would call me out to be the stupid one whose perspectives didn’t matter.

This I found so horribly unjust and unfair and it frustrated me to a degree where I experienced physical pain because of it and I grew to despise and hate adults and see them as being lying, manipulative and untrustworthy and I stopped asking those (“silly, stupid’) questions and share my perspectives on things, which is a shame.

It is the same experience I have today where I see someone older than me assuming an automatic perception of authority despite sometimes coming from an extremely limited worldview, or even giving themselves the prerogative to make assumptions (that I more experience as commandments) about my life and how I conduct certain things in my life, as though because they automatically know better, they also have a right to interfere with my life decisions.

So as with all reactions, I had to also look at the question: “Where am I doing this in my own life?” Because if I was not reacting I could simply let it slide and assign it to this person being stuck in a self-perception of being an authority, like there is no one that says that I have to be affected by this or allow it to influence me in any way. At best, I could even assist and support the person to see what they are doing and maybe even start transforming their way of communicating with others.

But because I am reacting so strongly, it is showing me that what I am experiencing is not about the other person, but in fact about me. It exists in me. And one side of that is what I mentioned about being reminded about the power dynamics I experienced with adults growing up. The other side is the fact that I equally allow myself to live this ‘self-proclaimed authority figure’ and do so in a way that I suppress it to myself, because I know that it is not actually cool to do, as I have experienced the consequences of it as a child myself.

So how I have seen myself do this is for example towards my partner or in moments of reacting in superiority to other people for whatever reason (like making up reasons of seniority or maturity or whatever) in specific moments, and I have even seen myself go as far as to the point of being ridiculing towards another person, exactly as I have experienced this person being towards me.

It is so interesting to look at it from this other person’s perspective, because obviously it is a dimension of superiority, because the justification of treating another person this way, comes from an idea of being ‘way up there’ beyond them, untouchable, out of their league basically and thus also looking way down on the other person and seeing them as less than, thereby within this fuzzy logic concluding that “my perspectives are automatically ‘right’ or ‘superior’ and their perspectives are automatically ‘wrong’ or ‘inferior’.

When I have experienced myself being in this state, there is this like ‘watertight’ quality to it, from the perspective of it being absolutist in nature, of simply assuming that you are automatically right without even as much as questioning the points.

As such, having discussions with people in this state is in fact completely pointless and it isn’t in fact even a real discussion, because in a discussion one is open to listening and taking the other person’s perspective into consideration.
And as such, I do agree with my strategy of simply not engaging in these discussions and to only do so from the perspective of sharing myself unconditionally and supporting the other to see what they are accepting and allowing.

To get to a point of being able to do that, I will here walk a self-forgiveness process to release myself from the energies of reaction that has come up within me.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume a state of believing that I am automatically and by default ‘more right’ in relation to another person that I then believe to be automatically ‘more wrong’ due to an idea about myself as being more experienced, more knowing or intelligent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is physically impossible to ALWAYS and AUTOMATICALLY be right and that by assuming that this is so, not realize how much I miss out on that I could learn from other people and also how I compromise my relationship with them and compromise them by relating to them as though they are inferior and less than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not for a second question my authority within believing that I am right, because I have created an absolutist belief about who I am in relation to the other person based on comparison, elitism and the polarity of superiority and inferiority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself the prerogative to demean and ridicule another person based on the idea, belief and justification within me that I am superior to them and that they are wrong for being inferior and therefore I have a right and even an obligation to ‘educate’ them by teaching them what’s right, without realizing, caring about or considering how I am affecting them.

I forgive myself that I, as a child, accepted and allowed myself to feel desperate and frustrated and trapped within experiencing that I was being treated unjustly and unfairly by adults, that I couldn’t do anything about because they didn’t see me, but only saw an idea about me, related to an idea about themselves as being an adult, because there was a part of me that respected, honored and believed in their authority over me and therefore accepted that they were right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to respect, honor and believe in others having authority or seniority over me as an automatic default position, which is basically a static idea that has nothing to do with reality and as such, this assumption that some can have automatic authority is flawed which is what I saw as a child but experienced myself unable to do anything about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience that someone who assumes automatic authority over me by for example stating that their opinion about me or my life is automatically correct and that I am stupid for seeing it any other way, is taking something from me, and is threatening me, when in fact, since I am no longer a child and I have legal authority over myself (to a certain extent, but that’s another story), another’s opinion cannot affect or touch me unless I allow it to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate authority and responsibility for myself, by accepting the premise that another’s opinion can affect me and dictate to me what I should and shouldn’t do simply because I am used to others having authority over me and since childhood have accepted that it is a reality and fact that others can and will have absolute authority over me, even know I know instinctually that it is not physically possible

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience bitterness and blame towards the person who exerted authority on me within blaming them for how their behavior makes me feel, when it is in fact a decision I have made on my own, to create and accept that experience as real, instead of realizing that their behavior is habitual, and that they equally as I, have learned to behave this way from adults in their childhood

Self-Corrective Statement

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to react to another making an absolute statement within an opinion where I experience that feeling of being trapped and invaded upon, I stop and I breathe.

I realize that no one can exert authority on me in this context and that I don’t have to respond in any way to their opinion

I commit myself to push the point of seeing how I can support another to realize that they cannot make automatic assumptions about being right and to, if I see that I cannot support them, to simply walk away, not respond or just smile and nod as it is pointless to argue with someone who assumes that they are automatically right.

When and as I see that I, in conversations with another am making assumptions that I am automatically right, I stop and I breathe.

I realize that it is physically impossible for me to automatically be right and therefore that I can be missing out on so much by making this assumption, including creating consequences for another by treating them as inferior to me

I commit myself to humble myself and to remind myself of this whenever I experience myself as superior to another

Life’s a Drag? DAY 384

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dragging your feetHave you ever stopped to consider why life sometimes feels like a drag? Where you are literally dragging your feet behind you on a daily basis and it feels like you just don’t want to do anything?

For almost as far as I can remember, I have on and off perceived life and living as something that I was forced to do, as a burden. There has also been times when I did not have this experience, because what I was doing was self-directed and self-created, but those experiences has been far and few between.

And when I for once had the opportunity to ‘opt out’, ‘play hooky’ and ‘check out’ for a longer period than a couple of hours or a day, I grabbed it, for example when being sick. I threw myself into this ‘break from the burden of life’ and spent the next few weeks doing as little as absolutely possible. Mostly I laid on the couch or the bed, sleeping or watching TV. I didn’t however commit so completely to this that it was just a purely positive experience. I felt constant guilt for not moving, for not doing things, for not getting things done, for letting others do the work for me.

After almost two weeks I started getting very frustrated with myself and I had come to this point of feeling like I cannot move myself, even though I know in self-honesty that I can and that I have induced myself into this state of lethargy and listlessness.

So I started asking myself the following question: With who I am, as who I want to be, why have I accepted and allowed myself to go into this state? It doesn’t match with who I want to be, with the things I want to achieve in life, with the example I want to stand as. And as I looked back on my life, I realized that I for many years, and in periods, more or less, have perceived life as an obligation, a little like school, as something that I am forced to do.

This has especially been the case the last couple of years where I have increasingly experienced more apathy and resistance towards going up in the morning, feeling burdened by the pressures of my daily responsibilities. I had more and more gotten sucked into the experience that I was doing everything only because I had to, because someone, something else told me to.

To this story I have to add that I have spent most of my late teen and early adult life trying to free myself from the grips of authority, from others telling me who to be, what to do, and I succeeded to some degree. But what I did not realize was that I was still being governed by something else telling me who to be, namely the mind, and I had nothing to show for my apparent independence from life. I was in no way making a difference in the world, let alone preventing anyone else from having to go through what I have gone through.

I matured and I eventually realized that there is a purpose to things like having a job and getting an education, and that this purpose first and foremost has to do with actually making a difference in this world, and thus making something more of my life.

But somehow, in all of that, I still carried with me this perception of being forced to do the things I did, where it is basically like school where you are told that you are there for you, that you are there for YOUR learning, but where it is evident that you have no choice or say in the matter.

The thing is though: in life, I do. I decide what my life is going to look like. I decide whether I spend my days on this earth watching TV and eating Cheetos or whether I push myself to get up and make a difference. There is nothing and no one forcing me either way. And yes, there are things that I HAVE to do, because that is just how life is. There are certain physical requirements that life demands that we take care of, like taking the dishes or taking out the trash, if we don’t want to life a life of total squalor. And there are certain structural requirements that the world system demands of us, like showing up for work in order to get paid. There are especially many of those requirements that I do not agree with, or that I see can be changed, or that I even see that it isn’t actually required for me to follow. But there are also many where I understand that I do not have a choice, simply because of how things are set up.

So what I realized is that I have to WILL myself to do those things anyways. I have to make myself the starting-point of them, even though I may not WANT to or FEEL like doing them, and even though I don’t necessarily agree with them. I WANT to live in a clean and tidy house because I know from experience that it is nicer to live in. That means that I WILL myself to do the dishes, to vacuum and dust and do all the things required to keep my house clean and tidy. That does not mean that I am in any way forced to do any of those things. I can at any point prioritize that it is NOT important to have a tidy house at the moment, because perhaps it is more important to take a rest or spend time with my partner. It is the same with work. I CAN actually opt out of working, but obviously I would have to be ok with the consequences of not having a paycheck, but that doesn’t mean that it is an impossible choice. Virtually anything is possible, if I only I am WILLING to live with the consequences.

If I want the life I want, a life where my partner and I support each other in taking care of the household, a life where our physical environment thrives and is a nice place to life in, a life where I earn a decent living to support myself and my partner, yes there are certain things I HAVE to do. But I am doing them because I WANT TO, because I understand that that is what is required to create the life I want.

Redefining the Word RESISTANCE. DAY 383

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ResistanceWhat is resistance? Is it La Résistance, a courageous 1940’s French underground civil right’s movement, standing up against the oppressors of liberty? Or is it an electrical term for something that blocks current and flow? Could it also be a psychological term for the mechanisms we activate when we face something uncomfortable? Let’s explore the word RESISTANCE

My current understanding of the word.

Resistance is an interesting word, because in a way I have defined it as a positive word as it, before I knew about it in a mind-context, understood the word in a World War II context where the resistance were the ‘good guys’ who fought against the evil occupation. The resistance were the people who had the courage to free us from the oppressors. Another positive definition of resistance is that of something being ’resistent’, like being ’resistent’ towards infection.

On a conscious level I understand that I tend to resist things that requires effort or that requires me to go beyond my comfort zone, things I fear. But I definitely see that I, within the mind, have made quite an ’allegiance’ with the word resistance as something that I honor and adhere to, and therefore also often struggle to push through.

Dictionary Definition

re·sis·tance
(rĭ-zĭs′təns)
n.
1. The act or an instance of resisting or the capacity to resist.
2. A force that tends to oppose or retard motion.
3. often Resistance An underground organization engaged in a struggle for national liberation in a country under military or totalitarian occupation.
4. Psychology A process in which the ego opposes the conscious recall of anxiety-producing experiences.
5. Biology
a. The capacity of an organism to defend itself against a disease.
b. The capacity of an organism or a tissue to withstand the effects of a harmful environmental agent.
6. Medicine The inability of a cell, tissue, or organ to respond to a certain hormone, drug, or other biologically active substance in a desired way: insulin resistance
7. Electricity The opposition of a body or substance to current passing through it, resulting in a change of electrical energy into heat or another form of energy.
8. Thermal resistance.

Etymology (origin of the word):

resistance (n.)
mid-14c., from Old French resistance, earlier resistence, from Late Latin resistentia, from present participle stem of Latin resistere “make a stand against, oppose” (see resist). Meaning “organized covert opposition to an occupying or ruling power” [OED] is from 1939. Electromagnetic sense is from 1860. Path of least resistance is from 1825, originally a term in science and engineering.

resist (v.)
late 14c., from Old French resister “hold out against” (14c.), from Latin resistere “to make a stand against, oppose; to stand back; withstand,” from re- “against” (see re-) + sistere “take a stand, stand firm” (see assist). Related: Resisted; resisting.

Sounding of the Word

RE-SIT-STANCE
RESIST-STANCE
RE-SIT-STANDING-STILL
RISE-AND-STAND-STILL
RE-ZITS-STANCE
RESIST-AND-SEE
CEASE-AND-DESIST
REST-EASY-AND-STILL

Creative writing

When looking at the definitions of the word outlined above, there are a couple of things that stand out. First of all, the definition within electrical terms of resistance being something that prevents a current/flow from passing through a body, reminds me of how resistance affects me on a mental level, how it literally blocks flow. And when I looked at the ‘antidote words’ to live as a means to push through resistance it was exactly words like ‘flow’, ‘fluidity’, ‘flexible’ and ‘push’ which again reminds me of water, but where the solution is then to let things flow through the body rather than trying to block them with resistance.

When I read the etymological definition related to ‘resisting forces’ what I thought of was how the word resistance in a way has been hijacked by the mind, that it is a word that is lived in reverse. Because in this context, we as beings within the body ought to resist the mind (as an occupant ruling force).

What is also interesting in this context is that when I experience resistance, it is the mind reacting to itself. Have a look: the experience of resistance is a mental (projected onto the physical) experience TOWARDS other mental experiences such as fear, meaning where we resist doing something because we fear it. The mind does not protect us with resistance against an ‘evil overlord’. It is doing it all to itself! The mistake we make is to believe the image we are shown, where we focus all our attention on the object of our resistance, and the resistance itself being a ‘logical’, ‘supportive’ and ‘positive’ response for example to fear.

Interestingly enough the words ‘resist’ comes from the two words ‘against’ and ‘take a stand/stand firm’ and so in a way, it is like the word in fact means EXACTLY that: to be AGAINST taking a stand, to be AGAINST standing firm. Because what do we do when fear comes up? We listen to the fear, we believe the fear, we want to soothe the fear and we do as fear commands, which most often are to retreat, to NOT speak, to NOT act, to NOT change.

Even the expression “the path of least resistance” has become something obscure and twisted, and it is an expression I can relate very well to, in the sense of avoiding anything that causes friction or requires pushing – and so to in fact, adhere so much to resistance, than you don’t even have to experience resistance because you have long been avoiding anything that could cause you to experience resistance and have so, made life very easy and safe and convenient and complacent for yourself. Here we could even redefine “the path of least resistance” as the complete opposite whereby through pushing through resistance, through not accepting resistance as a premise that one adhere to, one start creating flow and fluidity in one’s life.

Lastly, I looked at the definition of resistance being a ‘force that prevents motion’, because that is certainly accurate in the context of the mind process. When we resist, we halt our process and the more we resist, the more stagnated we become.

For me, I have created a very intimate relationship with the word resistance, in the sense of it being something that I feel is very close to me, where I ‘choose me’, where I am being ‘nice’ to me. If I were to give it an image, it reminds me of a mother saying to her child “Oh you don’t want to go to school today? Ok then stay home, let’s play hooky and stay home and eat pancakes all day.”

So when I resist something I know I should do/that is best for me, it feels very positive and caring, but obviously because I know it really isn’t, it also creates massive conflict, guilt and worry within me, not to mention self-judgment and blame.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a positive energetic relationship with the word resistance, based on association with the word resistance as something I do where I ‘stand up against oppressors’ and avert danger and so because of this have created a relationship with resistance where I feel protected by it and supported by it and therefore adhere to it without question

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to let go of my positive relationship towards resistance because I use resistance to avoid doing things I don’t feel like or want to do or that I fear and that I then feel protects ‘my interests’, not realizing that these are in fact the interests of the mind, to NOT allow movement or change, but to remain in a state of passivity and non-movement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop such a relationship with resistance where I almost immediately bend, fold and retreat and so have made resistance a directive principle within me that I automatically allow to guide and direct my decisions and movements during my day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not admit to myself and realize that resistance is not an effective way of dealing with things, because all it does is to postpone the inevitable in many instances and it creates an energetic wall that has to be upheld which requires mental and physical strain that could have been used to rather sort through that which I am resistant towards so that I may actually expand and change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship with resistance in my mind where I use backchat and self-talk to talk myself into justifying not doing something that I resist, because I know that it is not self-honest or common sense and so therefore I have to deliberately deceive myself to convince myself that not doing it is ok and acceptable

Self-Corrective Statement

When and as I see something that I need to do/that I know would be supportive for me to do and that I have time for in this moment, I first of all push myself to practice doing it then and there, immediately in the moment, and then when I see the resistance coming up, most often as a feeling and backchat of “but I don’t feel like it” or “I don’t want to do it now”, I stop and I breathe – and I remind myself that I am NOT busy resisting an oppressing authority but am in fact playing mind games in my mind and I instead look in common sense and self-honesty at whether it would be best for me to do this things now. Also, when and as I see that I am starting to speak to myself in the mind, where I start saying things like “oh but I can do that tomorrow, I don’t feel like it right now” I stop and I push myself to not accept the premise of this thought.

I realize that I have associated the word resistance with something positive, as something that protects me from danger and that I owe my allegiance to and that this is the reason why I have refused to let go of my relationship with resistance and because it allowed me to stay in a comfort zone of convenience and complacency.

I realize that resistance in fact is a mind-game that the mind is playing with itself because it resists its own created experiences of fear or discomfort and so the entire validation of resistance of something protective goes completely out the window.

I commit myself to introduce flow and fluidity into my life through pushing through resistance and to remind myself that beyond resistance is flow and fluidity, and so I won’t be in the experience of resistance and pushing forever, like breaking a dam to let the water flow freely for the first time – what a relief.

I commit myself to challenge and change my relationship with resistance in the moment where I see resistance coming up within me, and I commit myself to bring my attention and focus back from focusing on the object of my resistance, which I realize is a smokescreen as it isn’t about this or that, but about resisting something because it makes me uncomfortable, challenges me, scares me or demands an effort from me. And I realize that the more I push through resistance, the less I will resist and the more I will flow.

Redefinition of the word Resistance

A force that prevents movement and flow.

(In the context of the mind, it is how the mind protects itself against itself and thereby creates a loop that prevents movement and change)

Embracing My Shortcomings instead of Sinking into a Hole of Depression. DAY 382

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pit of depressionI have noticed lately that my most recent blogs have been about ‘taboo’ subjects, at least to me; subjects that are hard to write about, that are difficult to admit and difficult to share with others. I share these points here because I see how important it is to share and open up about such subjects, the ‘dark’ or ‘shadow’ sides of our lives and living, which we most often do not talk about or even reflect on in ourselves. I do it to support myself, but also to support others who may be facing the same or similar points in their lives – so that we can all start opening up about these experiences and start working our way through them, to transcend them and empower ourselves through standing up from them.

This is another such point.

I have a pattern in my life that I call a ‘hole’. The hole is a mental space I drop into from time to time, a state of depression. When I drop into this space within my mind, it is usually because I have done something that I am ashamed of or that I know isn’t best for me or others, or when I make mistakes or fall in processes I am walking, and so I go into this space where I starting thinking and feeling like everything is ‘not good’ but primarily that I am not good.

The thoughts and emotions that come up center around me not ‘doing good’ or ‘not being enough’ and as I allow myself to fall further and further into it, I start feeling more and more depressed about my self and I start seeing myself in all areas of my life as ‘not good enough’ and fear starts coming up within me that the whole thing (my life) is going to collapse and fail.

I start becoming ‘numb’ (a state of suppression) within myself, feel lethargic and I experience apathy and I do not want to apply self-forgiveness or work on myself. All I want to do is to be left alone and not have to deal with anything.

In the past, when I went into the ‘hole’ it could get quite bad and there has been times where I am in the ‘hole’ for weeks and a couple of times even months at a time. In the recent years it has not at all been so bad and it is mostly a matter of some hours or at the most a day or two, but what has often happened is that I simply wait it out or I speak with my partner or something ‘positive’ happens that pulls me out of the hole and I forget about it. Very rarely have I written about it, and in those instances, it has mostly been about what my experiences in the hole are centered around, not being good enough for example.

It is however a particular pattern and it is the pattern that I am going to write about here, because I see how the entire ‘circle’ of how this pattern plays out (because it happens in the same sequence each time), is what repeats over time.

So in looking at this pattern, what I see is that I am accessing defense and protection mechanisms as well as taking my own mistakes personal. So when I do something, as a mistake or a fall, I could’ve immediately picked myself up again and see how I can correct myself. I could have not seen it as something ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’, but because I do, because I take it persona, I go into self-judgment, and what is so interesting is that, to protect myself from my own self-judgment (which is a form of self-abuse), I access a state of suppression and hiding (the numbness I spoke of earlier) as well as self-victimization and self-pity, which is caused by the polarity of self-judgment. So now I am in a split inside my mind where part of me hates on myself and the other part is trying to defend myself from this hate.

Looking at it from the mind’s perspective (where its single command is to protect its own survival), this is quite an effective cycle, because I am now totally distracted from the original ‘sin’ and am not in any way focused on solutions, or on supporting myself to change, because I am first of all in a state of total suppression and secondly because I am caught in this polarity seesaw of going back and forth between self-judgment and self-victimization. It is perfect in a sense, because one can keep this up for a long time – and the only reason I’ve been able to stop it, is due to the support I’ve been given, having a partner who ‘checks’ me and having worked with stopping self-judgment, so I for the most part do not actually believe or accept myself as ‘not good enough’.

The fact that I do from time to time access this pattern however, indicates that there is still a part of me that accepts me as not good enough, but as I mentioned, it has actually more to do with the fact that I take my mistakes personal and then go into hiding from myself, all ‘perfectly orchestrated’ because it ends up with me NOT going back to the original point and taking responsibility for that.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I take it personal when I make a mistake, miss a point, fall in a process or do something I know is not best, within immediately holding it against myself and judging myself as being ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’ and ‘not good enough’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace my own imperfection within the context of not always being how I would prefer to be, or act in a way I would prefer to act in, and so, within embracing my shortcomings, support myself to stand up and change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect perfection of myself, to expect myself NOT to make mistakes, NOT to miss points, NOT to fall, NOT to do things that I know aren’t best, within having created a delusional ideal of how I believe I am supposed to be, and at times even how I believe that I am, and so when I do not live up to my own expectations of perfection, come down hard on myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and accept as real the belief that I am not allowed, and that it is unacceptable, unforgivable even, for me to make mistakes, miss points, fall in processes I am walking and not always doing what is best from within a starting-point of moral judgment of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ as positive and negative characteristics

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to split myself into two, to separate myself from myself when I make a mistake, miss a point, fall or don’t do what is best, where one part of me goes into self-judgment, self-loathing and self-hate, and the other feels attacked, abused and feels like I need to protect myself from my own judgment by going into suppression, self-victimization and self-pity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how self-judgment is a form of self-abuse where I stand AGAINST myself, in separation of and from myself, causing me to split in two and go into suppression and hiding from my own self-abuse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into suppression to not have to face or experience the abuse of my own self-judgment over what I have done and within that go into another layer of self-abuse where I don’t support myself to stop or change, but go into ‘numbness’ which eventually turns into self-destructive behaviors where I throw my self-support out the window and go into a state of “fuck it” towards myself and the world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within my state of self-suppression and self-destructiveness go into apathy and lethargy where I don’t want to do anything or support myself and within that don’t do anything and simply let things be until I eventually snap out of it or the energy runs out, but where I do nothing to change the original mistake I made or prevent myself from accessing the cycle again, because now everything is apparently ‘ok’ again and I am ‘over it’ and ‘out of the hole’ and so I just forget about it and suppress it all, until it happens again next time

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I make a mistake, miss a point, fall in a process or do something I know isn’t best, and I see myself participating in thoughts of it being ‘wrong’ and that I am supposed to be ‘better’ and ‘perfect’, I stop and I breathe

I realize that me expecting myself to be perfect, to NOT make mistakes, to NOT miss points, to NOT fall or do things that I know isn’t best, is unrealistic and is causing me to take myself personal and think/believe that I am doing something, wrong, unacceptable and unforgivable and in the end causing me to give up on myself and not take responsibility for myself

I commit myself to stop expecting myself to be perfect

When and as I see that I am reacting to the fact that I have made a mistake, missed a point, fallen in a process or done something that I know isn’t best, I stop and I breathe.

I realize that me reacting to something I do, is the starting-point of the cycle of me going into the hole, and I realize that this is a self-sabotage pattern that eventually ends up with me not correcting myself or take responsibility for myself.

I commit myself to embrace myself when I do something that isn’t best, a mistake, miss a point or fall in a process and immediately look at how I can support myself to correct myself

Embracing The Evil Within. DAY 381

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embrace the evil withinIn one of my previous posts, I wrote about a phenomenon where we as women become controlling towards men. I am here diving even deeper into this pattern as I have realized that there are more dimensions to the point, and it is in fact multi-dimensional in nature. There are for example aspects of this pattern that are specifically related to male/female dynamics (and here I was reminded of classic 90’s sitcoms centered around a family where the man is ‘lazy’ and ‘relaxed’ and the female is always cleaning and being grumpy), but other aspects of this pattern are in fact more relate to how we in general interact with each other as human beings, how we were brought up ourselves and what we were taught in school.

How this pattern manifests in my day-to-day living is in my interactions with my partner, especially around housework (cleaning, cooking, maintenance etc.) where I will see (through a filter in my mind, which I will come back to) my partner as being ’careless’, ’inconsiderate’ and ’sloppy’ (a more specific definition of what I defined as ‘stupid’ in my previous post).

The situations that emerge can be as simple as my partner not putting the things he have used back where he took them or brushing up against one of my plants when vacuuming; simple mistakes or moments of inconsideration that could virtually be done by any person, myself included.

The experience that comes up within me in these moments is one of immense irritation, frustration and anger; with the primary charge is one of judgment, condemnation and contempt. When discussing this particular character that I access when my partner, I could see how I, not in a conscious but in an emotional way, experienced myself as being way high above my partner, looking down on him as a puny little thing and wanting to squash him under my foot, obviously not in a literal sense – but that is how I would translate the experience within my to a visual image; quite brutal.

So we started diving deeper into this pattern and investigated where this comes from. Because obviously my partner is not what I see him as within this reaction pattern – it comes from within me and thus is about me.

First of all, I saw that the judgment has to do with seeing it as unacceptable to be inconsiderate, careless and sloppy, the first two more so than the last. In fact, when looking at examples where this reaction comes up, I most often have no issue with the action my partner took, like dragging in dirt onto a clean floor for example. I fully understand and appreciate that this is a mistake we can all make, and it is nothing worse than it can’t simply be corrected by sweeping the floor and making sure one takes off one’s shoes before going into the house. So what I have an ‘issue’ with is not even the actions themselves, but what I believe they represent of my partner, and thus who I believe he is as he does these things, which is ‘careless’, ‘inconsiderate’ and ‘sloppy’. As I allowed this character to come through and speak, so that I could investigate it together with my partner, it was clear that it was a character of righteousness and moral judgment. The backchat that comes up are thoughts like “How CAN he be SO inconsiderate!!??” in a very distinct high-pitched, scorn, self-righteous and subtly victimizing female voice.

My partner asked me to go even deeper in the pattern, because he saw that there must be more to it than me simply adhering to a specific set of rules and principles that I react with judgment to, when they aren’t followed.

So we started looking at and questioning whether I behave in the same or similar ways, where and whether I am inconsiderate, careless and sloppy. When my partner asked me about that, an interesting thing happened: the character inside myself shifted from being this ’up on a high horse’ self-righteous one to feeling incredibly ashamed of myself and memories started surfacing of aspects of myself that I had judged as being careless, inconsiderate and sloppy.

See, I have never seen myself as a perfectionist or as someone who is particularly good at cleaning or taking care of a house. It is in fact something quite new to me as it is something I have been practicing and perfecting during the past couple of years. I was a lazy teenager and I virtually refused to help my mother around the house. It wasn’t until a very distinct moment where I observed my older cousin (she was in her early twenties, I was around thirteen) and how helpful she was and how people around her responded to her in a positive way because of it. I made a conclusion in my mind that if I were more helpful around the house, people would like me better. It is a distinct memory, because it was only after this event, that I decided that it might be best if I were more helpful. Until then, I simply didn’t care.

What I have been able to see from all of this is that I judge being inconsiderate, careless and sloppy as something that is distinctly BAD and WRONG and as something that I have been ashamed about within myself. I also see that I have fully believed and accepted that ’bad behavior’ warrants judgment and condemnation, so I judge others exactly as I judge myself.

This is very similar to another belief that is also connected to this point, which is the belief that it is WRONG and BAD to be selfish, egotistical or vain, and so these aspects of ourselves must be suppressed and hidden because it is so shameful to admit that one has acted in self-interest or vanity, that this behavior is not allowed to see the light of day. Interestingly enough, this way of looking at such behavior does in no way foster change as it simply states that ”It is not allowed to be this way” as though that in itself somehow magically would change a person or how they behave.

To change aspects of ourselves we have to embrace them, because only by embracing them (which is also accepting the premise that they are there) can we see them fully and thus understand them for what they are.

Going a layer deeper, what I have come to realize is at the core of this pattern, is a fear that I am evil, but not just a fear of being evil, but a fear of others seeing me as evil, being exposed as evil and being ostracized, judged and condemned for it.

So whenever my partner does something that I, in my mind considers to be inconsiderate or careless, I judge him as doing something evil, and by distancing myself from this behavior through massive judgment, I believe myself to be distancing myself from my own evil.

A particular memory stands out to illustrate how this works:

When I was four years old, I deliberately hit a younger girl on the playground. I clearly remember how I wanted to hit her, simply because I wanted to – it was in a sense ‘pure evil’. When I hit her she started crying and I panicked in fear imagining the teachers coming and yelling at me and THAT I did not want. So I started goofing around with the girl to get her to stop crying.

I did not feel guilty or remorse for hitting the girl. I didn’t care about the fact that I had hurt her. I cared about being exposed and judged as being BAD and that was what I didn’t want.

This is what is so dysfunctional about child/adult relationships. By yelling at children, by shaming them and judging them, we teach them to fear how others react to them – NOT to understand consequence, not to become emphatic and place oneself in the shoes of another. What this means is that we become ‘stuck’, encapsulated in a way in these moments where, we never get to reflect on or embrace these aspects of ourselves that are not BEST, because we learn to hide, suppress, shame and judge them into oblivion – except it isn’t oblivion because we haven’t actually dealt with them, they are still there, only now we act them out in secret, in shame, in hiding, which makes it even more difficult to confront and change.

So what I have done is that I have defined self-interested and potentially consequential behavioral patterns as taboo, not because I actually see them as such in self-honesty, but because I have adopted my environments reactions in a fear of being exposed, ostracized and categorized as evil and thereby experience shame and isolation (like the kid that is placed outside the door in school).

The solution I see is to embrace our ‘evil’ sides, the sides of ourselves that do not care about others, that acts deliberately in self-interest and without care for the well-being of others, the sides of us that are vain and self-absorbed, the sides of us that are deliberately spiteful and nasty towards others, the sides of us that are abusive and malignant and get a feeling of power from pushing others down. All of these are aspects of being human that we have condemned as being ‘unacceptable’ – but we have done it in such a way that we instead of enabling ourselves to take responsibility for these aspects of ourselves and change, we suppress, hide, ignore, distract, deflect, virtually do anything and everything possible to get away from these sides of ourselves, anything but actually embracing them and standing up within and from them.

So – when something is unacceptable, it does not mean that the solution is to condemn it or pretend it isn’t there. This is however not the same as enabling such behavior, in oneself or in another. By admitting/exposing that something is unacceptable due to the starting-point and consequence it creates, we can support ourselves and one another to walk a process of changing that, which is unacceptable within us. We can accept the fact that it is here now and at the same time not accept it to continue into the future.

By not accepting it, we deny, suppress, ignore which ironically has the opposite effect of what we intend: it remains active and functional within us, albeit in the shadows and secrets of our minds, to which we have less access because these suppression mechanisms use veiling and deception to remain hidden.

Evil has been a theme throughout my life. I have often believed myself to be evil, for various reasons, but one of them being that I did not seem to have the same moral compass that others had, and at some point I asked someone why I always saw myself as evil. He said: “because you don’t trust yourself.” I pondered about that for many years and I came to the conclusion that it meant that I wasn’t actually evil and that the problem was simply that I didn’t trust myself to accept that. What I realize now is that what I did not trust was myself with evil. I did not trust myself to be able to direct myself as the evil inside of me, and so I got caught up in hiding the parts of myself I judged as evil, instead of focusing on changing them – which is ultimately what we as adults ought to support children to do.

By embracing my own evil, I embrace all of me, not just the parts that I like or prefer about myself. By embracing my own evil, I no longer have to pretend NOT to be evil, to FIGHT to be good – and this means that I can change these aspects of myself, by no longer seeing them as taboos that I cannot and should not touch or admit exists.

Being inconsiderate and careless are symptomatic effects of who we has become as humanity. Our entire consumerist society is created on this basis. And yet, we constantly try to deny it, fight it, compensate for it and while we do that, it only gets worse and worse. It can be consequential to ourselves, others and the world around us if we are careless and inconsiderate, yes. Our starting-point within being inconsiderate or careless can be self-interested, yes. But condemning these parts of ourselves is not the solution, even when it is done deliberately, within spite or malignancy.

Very few of us have grown up in environments where we have been supported to become whole human beings with effective communication and life skills. Most of what we have learned from the generations that have gone before us has been dysfunctional, destructive and abusive in nature, even in so-called ‘normal’ families. So it is no wonder that we haven’t learned to consider others or to care about others, let alone ourselves. We got quite a process ahead of us to learn how to be supportive and effective human beings, who contribute more worth to this world than we destroy. And in this process we are going to face some nasty truths about each other and ourselves, but based on the evidence I have seen over the past 7 years, we have the tools to change and transform ourselves, even in the most evil parts and aspects – and in fact: we cannot do it, without ALSO facing, embracing and changing these aspects, because they are part of us and who we have become, whether we like it or not.

Yes, I did not care about hurting another human being. Yes, I cheated. Yes I stole and yes I lied. I did not care about you or your family because I cared about was myself, getting ahead in the world, getting applause. Yes, I said something nasty to you, just to see the hurt look in your eyes so I could feel like I was better than you. This was evil. I embrace myself as evil and I am here now, deciding to CARE, deciding to LISTEN, deciding to act in a way that is best for all, deciding to consider the consequences of my actions and expand my considerations until they encompass all of existence. I am here to learn how to care FOR REAL, not because some adult threatens me to, or tells me to apologize, while not caring about whether I mean it. I am walking a process of learning how to live in a way that is not abusive towards anything or anyone, even myself, because I see that this is what is best – this is the best I can do, the best I can become and I do not see how my life can have any worth, value or purpose if I do not walk this process. I am doing it for me yes, for all of us – but I am NOT doing it out of fear of being punished, exposed or isolated by proponents of moral judgments, outside myself or inside my head. I am not hiding my evil or condemning others for the evil in them, because it is the same evil that exists in all of us, and it is a part of us, a destructive, consequential part of us, but still a part of us.

Exactly as we cannot change societies by opting out of them and pretending like they don’t exist, we also cannot change ourselves by condemning parts of ourselves. We have to change them from within and to do that, we need to understand them, how we created them, what beliefs we are stuck within. And to do that, we need to embrace them within ourselves, because by embracing them we wrap ourselves around them with care, consideration and support, we hold them unconditionally inside ourselves and recognize them as parts of ourselves that needs guidance, forgiveness and support to change. Exactly as the adults should have done with us when we were young.

I’ll share a few other posts I have written on this subject, if you would like to dive more into it:

https://vixensjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2013/03/07/pure-evil-gon-goodie-two-face/

https://vixensjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2013/03/08/a-note-on-the-corruption-of-self-integrity-day-184/

https://vixensjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/09/15/bad-cop-vs-pure-evil-day-111/

Life Quality and Quality Time. DAY 380

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life quality

 

 

 

Do you have Life Quality, Quality of Life? Do you spend your Time within doing things that are of Quality to you, and what does Quality mean to you? I discovered that, to me, Quality means that what I am doing has Worth, Meaning and Purpose and that what I decide to spend my Time on, this Precious Time that we so Humbly have available to us for a Moment, can be of Quality, if I re-authenticate myself as the Directive Principle of my life, as the Authority that makes Decisions based on the Principle of what is Best for All.

The two terms ‘life quality’ and ‘quality time’ are terms that we often use to speak about how it is best to live, and how we should change our prioritizes to have more meaningful lives and for example, more meaningful moments with our children. Quality in the context of ‘quality time’ usually means ‘something that is worth having/meaningful’. Life quality can also be measured in this way and can be seen as something subjective, however there is also a common ‘standard’ as to what ‘life quality’ or ‘quality of life’ is as the general well-being of a person from living standards including recourses, accommodation to mental and physical health. We often discuss ‘life quality’ in the context of tough cases where people are for instance in a coma or where children are born with several handicaps that makes us question whether their life quality will be high enough for life to be worth while for them. We also talk about life quality in the context I mentioned earlier, where it more often has to do with discovering what one is really passionate about in life, to get off the beaten track of survival and into a way of living that is meaningful and purposeful.

I have looked at these terms as points of departure in relation to the questions of:

1. How I live my life
2. How I spend my time

The reason why I bring these concepts up is because I am not always satisfied with how I spend my time and therefore also not with the quality of my life, precisely in the context of whether I spend my time and my life on doing things that are meaningful and purposeful.

There was a really interesting Eqafe recording once that spoke about how, people who are most motivated to do something in life, are often people who are motivated by fear of survival, which also explains why some people are not as motivated (from a mind perspective, obviously) to do something with their lives; simply because they do not have that fear of survival. For some reason, I do not have this fear, and it may have something to do with the fact that my life was already about surviving from the get-go, albeit in a very moderate, ‘rich-western-country’ sense where, yes my mother and I struggled to make ends meet, but we were never starving or without a roof over our heads.

The point that I am unsatisfied with in this context is that I do not always spend my time on things that are purposeful and I find that I have too much ‘waste’ time, which is time spend on things with absolutely no purpose or meaning, but that are often the result of mental preferences or resistances, of being in a comfort zone where I do not feel haunted by life, to constantly produce things of meaning and value. This is not all bad though, because it also means that I can be more creative and flexible with my time, and I can embrace opportunities that to others may seem pointless to pursue and that in the end turns out to be quite practical and that pays off in one way or another.

However, I also question why I am this way, why I do not spend every waking moment on that which I know is meaningful and purposeful, which in the context of my life and process and the path that I have chosen to take, is about contributing to making a difference in the world on one hand, and changing myself from the inside out to become a living example of that difference.

The moments that I speak about here, can be moments of oversleeping whereby I ‘loose’ precious and valuable time that could have been spent in a meaningful way, writing blogs, writing articles, working, connecting with people. It can also be moments of browsing the Internet aimlessly or getting caught up in a YouTube watching marathon of suddenly becoming fascinated by a certain subject that may be entirely meaningless to the purpose I have given my life. It can also be moments where I justify to myself that I ‘deserve’ or even ‘need’ to relax and watch a movie, that I could instead have spent on working on my DIP assignments or writing a blog or being with my partner. And here, I am obviously also speaking about balance, because I am not saying that there are not moments where watching a movie IS the best use of my time. I am speaking about moments where I know within myself that my time would have been better spent writing a blog, that there is actually no reason for me not writing a blog, other than I simply don’t ‘want to’ or ‘feel like it’ and thus where my priorities are out of whack with the purpose I have given to my life.

In many ways, these decisions to not spend my time in a meaningful way are the remnants of a past life, a life where watching TV, or surf the internet when you come home from work, IS what you do, is what everyone does, is totally and completely normal – and the fact that you are wasting time and not doing something meaningful goes completely over your head, and sometimes never hit you, or only hit you much later in life, when you start realizing how little you have accomplished in life and how meaningless it has been. That is not the life I want to create for myself.

Don’t get me wrong; I also have meaningful moments and moments of pushing through and doing what needs to be done. But due to the way my life is, where everything is very flexible and open, I am often left with a CHOICE of what to do next, at least that is how I have experienced it, where I, in my mind, experiences that no consequences will come of me sleeping an extra hour or watching another episode of that show. But the thing is that it accumulates, and before you know it, a whole life has gone by and you have nothing to show for it.

I do not want to live as though I am haunted, by time, by a career, by money, by survival or by the purpose I have given myself. So I am not saying that I should now change gears and go into the opposite polarity of militaristic application, ensuring that every waking moment is spent on something meaningful, and otherwise come down hard on myself.

What I am however saying, is that I need to look at how I have defined ‘quality’ in the context of ‘meaningful’ and ‘purposeful’ when it comes to how I spend my life and my time, because there is a misalignment still where I do not have my priorities straight according to what I see and know to be best.

Why else would we do something that we know deep inside is not what is best? It must be because there is an overriding ‘authority’ that we have given power of attorney to in our minds that is calling the shots, and that we are listening and adhering to without question. Those decisions certainly do not make themselves.

If we look at this issue in a much larger context, we can see how this exact pattern that I am exposing here, is actually what prevents us as humanity from changing the world; because we have so many priorities that are not in alignment with what is best for all life, that we keep arguing for and justifying, to such degrees that we live our entire lives within and through them, whether it involves drinking alcohol, being a sex-addict, watching too much TV, distracting ourselves with hobbies or feverishly climbing the career latter. All of this keeps us from making real MEANING of our lives and from giving our lives real PURPOSE.

I have lived the majority of my life without purpose or meaning, aimless drifting around, grasping for meaning but without ever holding onto it, committing myself to it. It has become a way of life for most of us.

In looking at how to change this, I have made the mistake of making this a moral issue, from a starting-point of feeling guilty towards a ‘higher power’ or someone else wanting me to be productive and driven, which has only caused me to polarize myself even further into opposite driving-forces, because I completely separated myself from meaning and purpose, and saw it as something someone else wanted/needed me to do, and that I owed it to them to make something useful of my life.

I did this, instead of going to the source of the problem, which is that I have given the authority of my life, my decisions, my choices to a preprogrammed life-pattern that dictates me to live a ‘mellow’ and ‘chill’ life, facing as little resistance as possible and simply ‘going with the flow’. In my case, this is how my life was supposed to turn out; totally without purpose, simply being a leach on the world, consuming and ingesting under the guise of ‘living large’ and ‘doing what feels good’. I know that for others it has manifested in different ways, of for example giving their authority to the fear of not surviving, which caused them to strive for success, but which made them end up in the exact same position – of not creating something of meaning, value and purpose.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take time and life for granted, within deluding and deceiving myself into believing that life/time goes on and on forever, that there is always more/enough time, instead of realizing that with the way life is currently set up, there is in fact only a very limited amount of time to live and that every second therefore is precious and irreplaceable and should be honored.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my authority to a preprogrammed life-design that has been programmed to ensure that I never create meaning or purpose in my life, but that I in fact spend my life as a total zombie that simply consumes and uses up resources and thus have less than meaning and purpose in that my life is spent ultimately destroying and abusing life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically follow the whims and preferences that I feel and experience through the mind without question and without awareness and thereby and through that, give my power, sovereignty and authority to the mind, to live for me, as me, through me and me therefore not existing or living at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when seeing that I am wasting my time and adhering to preferences that are not best for all and thereby create another level of deception within myself/my mind, within and through which I actually compound myself further into the mind by splitting and polarizing myself and separating myself from myself, taking my actions personal, instead of seeing what I am doing for what it is and looking for practical solutions accordingly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to polarize and split myself through reacting within an experience of guilt and morality where I think and believe that I have done something wrong, that I am wrong and that I must control myself, only causing me to suppress myself further and empower myself in/as the mind in following the mind’s preferences through polarity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself permission to change my priorities and preferences based on the principle of what is best for all, because I have accepted and allowed myself to be automatically governed by the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the mind is not and does not have authority over/as me, except for through my permission, acceptance and allowance where I have accepted and allowed myself to be loyal to the mind because I have accepted and allowed myself to be loyal to feelings, emotions and experiences where I have become addicted to the ‘feel-good’ feelings and have resisted the ‘bad’ emotions, instead of directing myself based on the principle of what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this is not a matter of ‘taking back’ authority from the mind, as the mind never had authority, as I have had the authority all along and I have abdicated it as myself to the mind, to let the mind stand as my authority for me, because of the relationship I have created towards emotions, feelings and experiences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my submission to, and abdication of myself to the mind, in wanting the mind to direct me, be the authority of and as me, comes from a symbiotic relationship I have created with the mind, where the mind gives me feelings and experiences and ‘helps’ me avoid negative emotions – within and through which I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing the illusion and delusion of emotional experiences and have accepted and allowed myself to fully immerse myself in emotions as was that the only thing that is real in this life .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, see and understand that it is through my loyalty and addiction to emotions, feelings and experiences that have maintained my abdication of myself to the mind, where I have deceived myself into believing and accepting that the mind gives me/provides me with what I want; good feelings and experiences and to avoid bad experiences and emotions – not realizing how this is exactly like those mafia movies where the mafia is giving protection money to a shop to protect the shop against the mafia itself, and thus what I have deceived myself into believing and accepting that the mind is doing for me, is something that wouldn’t even be necessary without the mind – or my relationship to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able to imagine or see a life without existing in emotions and feelings and without being directed by and through emotions and feelings, and within and through being so used to existing in/through emotions and feelings; I have accepted emotions and feelings as a comfort zone and as a default state and as something that I identify myself with, as me and that I therefore do not want to let go of .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am in the process of re-authenticating myself through taking back/taking responsibility for the authority that I have given to and projected onto the mind and that this is something that I have to do for every single minute aspect of myself where I am still governed by the mind, because that even with one minute aspect, it still means that I am not the self-directive principle in/of/as myself or my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the mind is not to blame in all of this. It would be like blaming a computer for humans using it to send drone strikes that kill people and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus so much of my attention on the mind itself, instead of focusing on WHO I am within/as/through the mind, which is where the key is to stopping this pattern of not creating meaning or purpose for myself – because it comes down to the question of who and what I accept myself as, on a very real and tangible level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is enough to see what I require changing and that when I do, I will automatically change, when in fact, I have to re-train, re-authenticate myself as the directive principle of and as myself so that all of me understands and accepts that I am the directive principle of me, as the principle of what is best for all in equality and oneness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, see and understand that this process is not about resisting, rejecting or destroying the mind, but about becoming the directive principle of/as myself within taking absolute responsibility for myself within awareness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to take absolute responsibility for myself because that means that I cannot keep doing/living what I do as I then have to stand accountable and self-honest in all that I do, and I have perceived that to be ‘boring’ and ‘not free’ – not realizing that this is yet another mind program firewall kicking in, in fact propelling me once again to the exact opposite direction of freedom – which would be to become fully self-directed and aware so that everything I do, speak, breathe is done within full awareness and decision

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated, because every time I try to change these patterns I find myself falling back into them again, thereby causing myself to think and believe that it is pointless and hopeless, causing me to eventually give up and give in again – not realizing how this is yet another clever program that ensures that I do not get to the point of manifesting substantial change and transcendence, which I realize comes from a diligent and stubborn process of PRACTICE, over and over, willing myself, no matter how many times I fall

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not honor the quality (worth, purpose and meaning) of life that I have been given and have given myself the opportunity to live in this life, through this very process in every moment, in every breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not honor the quality (worth, purpose and meaning) of the time that is available to me, within humbly being aware of the uncertainty of life and not knowing how long I have to live in this physical world and make the most of it, through becoming a living example of worth, purpose and meaning, not only for my own sake, but for the sake of all of us, so that my existence on this planet may be of use and value and contribute to creating a life that is best for all

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to be directed by/directing myself in/as the mind, through emotions, feelings and experiences to make decisions of what to do with myself/my life/my time, I stop and I breathe.

I realize/remind myself that I am in the process of transforming all parts and aspects of myself into becoming the living principle of equality and oneness as what is best for all and that this is one of those aspects, where I need to become/stand as the authority and directive principle of myself.

I realize/remind myself that this experience I have, is an addiction, and a deception and that this exact pattern, of automatically following mental experiences, desires, preferences, is exactly what is causing the world to be in the mess it is in right now, causing people to not care, to be disempowered and zombified, that is causing us to destroy this planet and thus ourselves – and even with a little bit of common sense, one can see that this makes completely no sense, and so no matter how we ended up here, or ‘who’s fault’ it was, what matters now is to re-authenticate ourselves as the proper authorities of these individual bodies and from there, re-authenticate ourselves in the communities and collective levels, so that we may re-authenticate ourselves as life on an existential level.

I commit myself to walk this process of re-authenticating myself as life, in every aspect of myself, my life until it is done and I commit myself to not give up, even though I fall and fall again – to not accept a fall as a failure or a termination or a sign that what I am doing isn’t working – because I know that it is, from points I have already changed and transcended and I know that there is nothing that cannot be walked through or transcended, if I only remain diligent, patient and creative and keep coming up with solutions and deepen myself in awareness and self-honesty to understand myself.

Artwork by Matti Freeman

Male/Female Dynamics: When Women become Controlling towards Men. DAY 379

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Controlling womanI have been noticing lately a pattern that some couples go into where the gender roles have switched from the previous patriarchal ones to now being matriarchal where the woman in the relationship will be dominant and the man will be more passive. It is a tendency I’ve seen increasingly when I observe couples and also to a certain degree in my relationship with my partner.

Both through observing other couples and my own relationship, I’ve come to see that the experience from the woman’s point of view has to do with creating expectations towards ‘how things should be’, where the woman has come to believe that she alone knows what is best for the family and where she doesn’t trust the man or value his perspectives in the same way, often due to mistakes he’s made or points of inconsideration that she then uses to justify being dominant.

When I observe deeper what this pattern is about, there are several dimensions. One of the most primary ones, is the fear some women experience of things not being ‘right’ or even ‘perfect’ and all of this particularly has to do with the ‘realm of the home’; cleaning, house decoration, the garden, clothes, how the children behave etc.

The other day for example when my partner and I were on a restaurant, I observed a family with two kids where the mother was very bossy towards the father and spoke to him in a harsh, demeaning tone about the food they had to order and did the same with the kids, all rather subtle under the guise of presenting themselves as a ‘happy organized family’.

It is as though a transition is happening in our gender roles where, because the males are now more present at home and home life has been given a higher status and because we’ve broken with the patriarchal family dynamics, it has created this switch where women now are becoming dominant, but in a completely different way that males were in the past; something that I am sure by a lot of males is experienced as ‘nagging’ and that probably also is a cause of marriages falling apart and husbands cheating because they feel more and more disempowered and disenfranchised in their relationships.

What I have seen is how the males becomes more and more passive and in the worst case scenarios either accepts themselves to become doormats which also allows the woman’s obsession with perfection to spiral out or they start retracting themselves from the family and eventually may leave or cheat to regain a sense of self-empowerment.

In terms of looking at solutions, I have seen a particularly interesting perspective on these dynamics that had to do with how my partner and I have taken care of our cats (that I’ve also described in previous blogs).

In relation to our cats, I activated a ‘motherhood’ program within my mind where I basically became obsessed with keeping our cats safe and happy and content, and I created this ideal expectation of myself of being a perfect cat owner (or ‘mother’ as it were) which, the more I participated in it, made me more and more anxious and worried and controlling. Even when I wasn’t at home or with our cats, I would worry about them and how they were doing and would feel immensely guilty if I thought I was doing something that didn’t make them happy or content, often causing me to experience immense internal conflict because sometimes making them safe, meant doing something that wasn’t their preference. (I’m sure many mothers can relate to this as well).

The more controlling I became, the more my partner tried pulling in the opposite direction, because he obviously saw that what I was doing wasn’t commonsensical. I saw myself as knowing at all times what was best for our cats and that he was a brute, was inconsiderate and careless and I did not trust him to take care of the cats. He, on his side tried introducing a more relaxed approach that sometimes, in common sense did not consider what was best for the cats, and the more he did this, the more I went into the controlling behavior.

We had many fights and discussions about how to solve the situation, and two particular instances lead to us finally coming together in a mutual solution. First of all, my partner asked that if he was to step up and take more responsibility, I had to back down, stop being controlling and stop distrusting him and saying that he was doing it wrong all the time. He explained to me how demotivating it was for him to expand himself and become better at taking care of the cats that I, even when he tried, scolded him in suspicion. I on the other hand, wanted him to step up more so that I could let go of control and fear that I couldn’t trust him. We both agreed to change our approach. I backed down and backed off and he committed himself to stepping up. I realized that I could never support him to expand who he was in relation to taking care of animals if I didn’t stop distrusting him – I didn’t have a choice.

So slowly but surely I backed off more and more, with the occasional setback of reverting back to the old behavior, which he could then point out wasn’t supportive due to our new agreement.

My obsession with perfection in relation to taking care of the cats, and my fear of doing it wrong and not being right hadn’t stopped though. It started slowly but surely escalating more and more when our living situation changed and our female cat died, which in my mind was partly due to me not honoring what I saw was best but instead backed down. (In that situation I didn’t back down from a common sense perspective, but because I didn’t want to be seen as a nag and as overprotective, so I compromised what I saw was best.)

It culminated in a moment of insanity where I literally felt like I was going mad from the intensity of worry and need to control. I literally broke down on the floor during a conflict with my partner in relation to the cats, and in that moment I realized how unhealthy my experience has been, that it almost took me to the brink of insanity because I had allowed it to escalate and consume me.

I knew that I had to stand down, this time not in relation to my partner because we had by then come to a more mutual understanding and agreement, but within myself. I had to force myself to stop participating in thoughts about the cats and their well-being and my worry of being a bad ‘cat parent’ because I could see what it could lead to if I didn’t.

I also realized how much support my partner could be to me, because his perspective on taking care of animals was so much more relaxed than mine. He was so calm and at ease with it and I suddenly saw how I could actually be supported by his way of doing things, which was facilitated by him also having stepped up within himself. I stopped, and I am still in the process of stopping seeing myself as the ‘matriarch’ when it comes to taking care of our cats and I have started listening to and respecting my partner’s perspectives more as well as asking him for support and perspectives. We are now more equals in our care taking as I am not as controlling or obsessed with perfection and he is more considerate and caring.

This is for me a really cool example of the process towards equality that we as couples must create if we are to create a mutually supportive and enjoyable relationship.

As women who have become controlling in our strive towards perfection, we need to back down and step back – and especially realize how this all comes from a starting-point of fear of not being good enough, of not being/doing right and of expecting ourselves to be able to be perfect. As women (and here I’m generalizing) we have an amazing sense of specificity and overview and an ability to see what is best as well as being able to consider others and care for others. This ability gets stifled by our fear and need for perfection and we end up creating fake families or partnerships that are just for show, to present a perfect image, but without actually having a substantial foundation of support and care for one another. When we stop our strive for perfection and fear of things not being ‘just right’ we can begin supporting our partners, with the same care and specificity we tend to give our children and homes, to expand their perspectives, to become caring, compassionate and considerate beings.

I have also met many men who have become passive, withdrawn and who have entered a state of ‘not caring’ and how this is equally a stifling of a set of skills that are most supportive and valuable, namely the ability to respond calmly, to detach oneself in a constructive way in ‘crisis situations’, to keep one’s head cool, to focus and concentrate on one point at a time. All of these are skills and abilities that we women can learn so much from and be supported by, if only we would come together with our men and open ourselves up to learning from one another.

We have to remember the fact that we, for eons of time have been programmed very differently from one another, that females have developed acute awareness when it comes to having overview and seeing practical solutions whereas men have learned more how to focus on the task at hand (like a hunter stalking a pray with full concentration) and that this doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with either of us or that either skill set is more or less valuable than another. On the contrary, we can all expand and learn from each other and grow – and we can do so together as a team in a healthy and supportive relationship.

None of us are the bad guys or the good guys in these dynamics. Both males and females who access these dysfunctional patterns are both responsible and innocent and this is an important factor to consider when deciding to stop these unequal and damaging gender dynamics.

I’ll share with you here a list of self-forgiveness statements written for women (and men) to address, open up and take responsibility for the female ego that is at the core of what I’ve discussed here.

 

I have Changed. DAY 378

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self-transformationI have changed. I have not only changed a little, but in fact become almost an entirely new Being. I say almost because I still have some patterns, behaviors and personalities that I access and go into that has been with me for many years, but mostly, I have changed. 7 years ago I was a reactionary person. Almost anything I did and experienced was reactionary. When I say reactionary I mean that virtually all I did was to react, to things that came up inside me, to other people, to situations. I would handle one reaction by going into another reaction. When I look back at how I was, it as though I was a zombie, I existed only as reactions, desperately trying to grasp onto something real, something substantial – BECOME real, but every where I looked, I only found more deceptions, more pitfalls of fantasy that took me further and further from reality.

I knew I had potential, I have always known that, but I channeled that knowing into ego and into spiritual delusions about becoming this enlightened, ‘higher’ being – it had absolutely no grounding in reality and I did nothing to actually change or improve myself on a practical level in terms of learning skills or developing capabilities. I only focused on improving myself on a mental level and I wasn’t even very successful at that, because whatever spiritual mind game I played with myself, I always ended up with the same shitty experience of myself.

At the same time as I engaged in extreme delusions of grandeur, my self-esteem was at an absolute low. But I wasn’t even consciously aware of it, I simply reacted. I was very fearful of people, of relationships and friendships and I engaged within them reluctantly because it always made me so uncomfortable, so tense, while at the same time, there was nothing I wanted more than to really connect with another human being, with a group of people, belong somewhere and actually make something meaningful out of my life.

When I look back I can see how desperate I was, and how I wandered around my life in a haze. It was as though I had a road map to life but the drawings and writings on it had been washed away so that all I could make out was faded lines and markings that I had no idea what meant and I desperately tried following those, hoping that they would lead me somewhere where I could live my potential.

That all changed 7 years ago, in 2009 when I one day came across a group online that was nothing like anything else I had ever seen or experienced in all my years chasing after spiritual groups and communities, trying to find myself a place to belong. This group called Desteni called it like it is. There was nothing warm and fuzzy about it. In fact, it scared the living daylights out of me more than once during those first initial months. I was shocked to the core of my being of what I read and heard – but at the same time, the truth of what I heard echoed with the most certainty that I’ve ever experienced in my life. I had not a single seconds doubt that this was real. If you have not experienced it I am not sure you can understand, and it is easy to say that this is the same as what religious people experience when they ‘find god’ – but in having experienced plenty spiritual delusions in the past, I can tell you that this was something very different.

There is a stark difference between hearing something that one can use in one’s mind to feel better about oneself and to dull the fear one experience, and to hear something that literally rips your heart open and exposes every single lie you’ve ever told about yourself.

So I started – in fact for the first time – actively walking a process of changing myself, through facing all the lies inside me that I had told myself throughout my life, lies such as “the universe is good” and “it all happens for a reason” and “I was born this way I can’t help myself” and all other lies that we as human beings tell ourselves on a daily basis to keep the deception of who we are going.

At first, I wasn’t at very genuine about it. I would do the work but I wasn’t fully committed with all of myself. I am still not satisfied about the way I walk my process. But someone once said to me that the fact that I don’t easily become satisfied actually isn’t a bad thing because it means that I keep pushing myself to excel.

And this is definitely something that has changed. During these past 7 years, I have become better and better and not taking shit from myself, although I still do it from time to time. And in my case, taking shit from myself means coming up with excuses as to why I don’t push myself, why I don’t apply myself fully, why I accept myself to become emotional and let my emotions rule me, why I don’t stop when I see I become emotional. Taking shit from myself also includes being extremely harsh with myself, loathing and hating myself and taking all of that out on the body.

I am a completely different person today – and for some reason, this has been difficult for me to admit openly in this way. I think it is some ‘taboo self-censoring’ mechanism inside me where I see it as ‘wrong’ to openly express the fact that I know that I have some pretty awesome qualities. Another reason is that I often doubt myself and I still tend to go into low self-esteem where I think poorly of myself and start doubting whether I’ve changed at all.

What is really cool however is that the proof is in the physical, so even if I doubt myself in my mind, I can see in my physical reality that I have in fact changed, not only a little – but a lot.

I can see it in my communication with other people, how I have so much more space within me to embrace other people. How can I access this ‘timeless’ dimension of seeing ‘behind the veil’ of a person’s mind and in real time give them support to empower themselves within what they are facing. I have always been quite ‘sharp’ in terms of ‘seeing through’ the veils of the world, but this ability has been heightened to an extent where I’ve sometimes – almost with fear – wondered whether it was some kind of magic I accessed.

And what’s even crazier is that I know deep within me, that I’ve only just scraped the surface of what I am capable of. Even with everything I have changed, I am still only at the brink of what is possible. And sometimes I fall into a trap of accepting myself to remain in this place, because it is 100 times more awesome than where I was before and my life is so much better and richer and more enjoyable, so I sometimes get a bit lazy in thinking that I don’t have to push myself further because this is basically where I’ve always wanted to be: to be somewhere where I make a real impact in the world, to have a lovely home, a career, a man, a group of friends and a satisfying life.

But I know that I can’t stand still – and considering that I’ve barely scraped the surface of what I am capable of, I cannot even imagine what’s to come. It is almost like becoming a ‘superhero’ through a process of directively self-transformation where I am creating ‘super powers’ within me – but in reality those aren’t actually super powers, because first of all, everyone has them (although each one is different) and secondly, we only see it as super powers because we’ve lived a life of totally wasting our potential and having no idea what we’re really – and naturally – capable of.

I have matured and I have developed space inside myself (which also gives space to supporting others) and I have become so much more specific than what I was before. It has taken a very long time and I am no where near done, in fact the more I walk, the more I become aware that I have only really started and sometimes I realize that I haven’t even really started yet – and still, I have started to access this potential inside of me that was always there, which has to do with becoming the utmost version of myself.

It is kind of like taking your best qualities and amping them up to the best they can be, while becoming the directive principle over the worst qualities of yourself so that you can stop them and eventually disengage from them completely, thus leaving space for even more of the best qualities to flourish.

For me, a lot has happened to bring me to that point and I have certainly had a lot of help along the way from others who stand as examples through the process they have walked of developing their own potential – but a significant difference for me was the day I gave myself a purpose in life.

When I look back, and even now, I realize that I could have picked anything really – and that in itself is empowering – and made that my purpose, by being tenacious and creative and by using my ability to hack through the systems, but what supported me so much was to give my life a specific direction – any direction really – that supported me to become focused and driven. After that I have pushed myself so much more and especially when I have started to see that my process have started to impact others and my relationships with them, where my work has been confirmed by others independently of the inner process I am walking.

I have been able to solve conflicts both internally and externally that I would have never been able to solve before, because back then I did not have the understanding I have now, I didn’t have the capacity to take full responsibility for myself – as I mentioned: I just reacted.

I have changed, already now with my existential baby steps, more than I ever imagined was possible. I knew I had potential, but I had no idea that it was this much and this real and something that I can actually use to make a difference in the world, where my life becomes more than just me, where the fact that I exist is something beneficial to the world as a whole – now THAT is empowering.

I can only recommended walking the process that I have walked and that I am walking every day – but your process will be totally different from mine, so there’s no point in comparing or trying to become exactly like someone else. You are totally and awesomely unique and no one can walk your process for you, because it is YOUR process – you are the only one who can be self-honest with you and see where you need to push more, where you are being delusional, where you are selling yourself short, where you are giving yourself excuses for not changing – only you can walk through that. But the beauty of that is actually that YOU CAN walk through it.

You can walk through the shit you were exposed to as a child, even the shit that you tell yourself is totally irrelevant and that you shouldn’t be bothered by as an adult, but that does in fact bother you. You can walk through the low self-esteem, the self-judgment, the addictions, and the delusions of grandeur. I guarantee you: if I can, so can you. And I do not say this lightly, because I was in many ways a sucky human being (as I have realized now: I also had some awesome sides to me that I am now starting to give more room to grow and develop) but I was a coward and I was an emotional wreck and I was an addict. I had very little control over myself, if any at all. Yet despite this, I also had a tiny little flicker of life and awareness and integrity within me – and that was what resonated with that message I heard 7 years ago. The real in me could hear the real in what I was listening to and it’s was physically impossible to turn my back on it.

I have changed – and so can you. And I will gladly walk with you and beside you, because there is nothing more honoring than to be part of another person’s self-transformation and seeing someone accessing the potential they have inside them, is the most beautiful sight in the world. It is like seeing the kids who had their lights put out when they stated school, get the light of life back into their eyes.

I could write a list and write all the things I have changed, from how I’ve developed in my professional life – which is an area in which I’ve taken quantum leaps, to how my communications skills have developed and been specified, but I will rather let you see it for yourself, in who I am in my day to day life and in yourself.

Because if I can change – so can you.

What are you waiting for?

Seriously, what are you waiting for? Because your potential is waiting for you. It’s right here, it’s always been right here. And you know what it is – you know exactly what it is. All you have to do is to start living it, even if what you start with is a tiny wobbly baby step of uncertainty and insecurity. One step is all it takes…. and then another… and another.

Artwork by Taylor James

Narcissism Vs. Self-Worth and the Real Value of Life. DAY 377

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NarcissistA couple of weeks ago I had an experience that brought a point to the forefront regarding my preoccupation with myself. I was talking to a colleague whom I admire, about a presentation they had done where I had afterwards been rather harsh towards them and it had affected them to the extent that they hadn’t been able to sleep the following night. I was completely shocked because it had not been my intention to be harsh at all. I realized that I had been preoccupied with myself the whole time and I had not given a moment’s consideration to my colleague or being there for her. I was going to give a presentation a couple of days after her and I was feeling somewhat nervous and insecure about it. So while they were giving their presentation, my entire focus was on what I wanted to take from her presentation and what I didn’t want to take, to better improve my own. I didn’t for one minute consider that they might have wanted me to focus on her and to give her constructive feedback afterwards.

After we had the conversation where she shared with me how they had experienced the situation and I realized that I had been completely egotistical within my own insecurity, I started seeing more and more situations in which I was so focused on myself that I didn’t notice or consider other people.

Another example of this is when I am in conversations with others and I tend to speak more than I listen, and when others are speaking, I can’t wait for them to stop so that I can speak and I struggle to listen in an unconditional way because I keep feeling this urge to speak. Then another thing that I’ve noticed that happens in relation to speaking is that I sometimes can become all infatuated with hearing myself speak, kind of going “OMG, I sound so good. That was SO intelligent/well put” inside myself. What I have also noticed is that when someone is telling a story about something, what immediately comes up within me is a similar story or something I’ve experienced that I then can’t wait to tell them. Another example which is a really nasty one is where I’d be super nice to someone and experience myself all altruistic but where the whole purpose is for me to look better, look like I’m being very supportive, when in fact I am doing it to look better in my own eyes or in the eyes of others.

When looking at what is at the cause of these behavioral tendencies to be self-absorbed what I see is that it has to do with an experience of lacking and inferiority where one seeks to constantly ‘elevate’ one’s experience of oneself, both in the eyes of others and in one’s own eyes. There is also an experience of the world revolving around you, which I would say is nothing more than a misaligned worldview that somehow has been integrated through childhood. I was the child of a narcissist mother but I was also an only child, so while it wasn’t like I got spoiled, I didn’t have any experiences with siblings and I got to see first hand what narcissism is like from my mother.

So I have been looking at what is required to stop being so self-absorbed and a logical answer is that I need to see and recognize myself as valuable, so that I don’t feel the need to seek it out through others – through placing myself in the spotlight. Another point here that I have seen as sort of being the opposite of narcissism is altruism which is basically the unconditional care and support of others where one doesn’t look to gain something from supporting another. Here I looked at the sounding of the word All-True-Is-Me that I basically see as meaning that everything is already me/life, and therefore there is no need to seek extra value or fear losing value by not being seen/heard.

Over the past few years, as I have developed my own potential, I have also started to appreciate and celebrate the potential in others more and this is something I would like to continue expanding – to rest in myself and be grounded and stable within who I am, so that I can fully support another – without me having to be given any credit or shine.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be self-absorbed and narcissist within focusing on only myself, how I feel, what I want, how I see the world and within that have disregarded and not cared about others – except for in what they could do for me or how they could benefit me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immerse myself in an experience of inferiority from within which I only focused on how to improve myself, to such an extent that I did not care about or see the needs of another and how another may equally be supported by me as I am supported by them and how, by only focusing on myself and what I believe I need, I deny them the support that I could have given them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach a situation from within a state of inferiority where my only focus is on how I can look better, seem better, be better and where I, because of this, give little to no consideration of other people around me – what they might need, how they might be experiencing themselves or how I can support them where they are at

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship of inequality with a person in my life, where I explicitly see them as more experienced and therefore as superior and myself as inferior and inexperienced and within that justify why I need their support and attention, without for a moment considering that they might equally benefit from my support and attention because they in fact are not superior to me, but equal to me and therefore I might equally be able to support them as they support me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be egotistical and selfish in only concerning myself with how I can look better, advance, improve myself in the eyes of others as well as obtain the things and the experiences that I want – where others do not even exist in my consideration as anything but ‘extras’ in the ‘Anna show’ that’s all about me – when in fact, I exist in a world with many people and beings who all are equal in reality and who all have an equal right to express and be supported and nurtured – just like I would want to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I am sharing food or drinks with other people, always want the best and biggest piece for myself and to uninhibitedly take it for myself without considering the other person or their needs – to not be nice or show fake humility but in considering what’s best in the moment and in also genuinely wanting what’s best for another equally as I would want it for me

I forgive myself that I, when I am speaking with others want to hear myself speak and feel infatuated with hearing myself speak and to a great extent ignore and be disinterested in the other person and what they have to say and only want them to get on with it so that we can get back to listening to me speak

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in conversations with others wait for them to finish without even really listening to what they are saying, just so that I can speak, hear myself speak and hopefully impress them and receive recognition and admiration from them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be infatuated with hearing myself speak where I don’t even care about the conversation or the person I am speaking with but where I get so caught up in hearing myself speak and being amazed at what I see as my own brilliance and intelligence that I keep going within a form of addiction to hearing myself speak

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to hearing myself speak and within that experience a positive energetic experience of seeing myself as this amazing and brilliant speaker and as being super intelligent and eloquent, not realizing that, yes I can enjoy speaking and hearing myself speak, but what is valuable in a conversation is the interaction and the understanding created between two or more individuals

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist listening to others and to experience a sensation of pressure on my chest and restlessness in my body where I feel like I want to move away from the person because listening requires me to remain stable here without generating any energy or movement within me which is something that I haven’t practiced or lived because I’ve been so preoccupied with upping my own experience of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to a positive energetic experience of getting attention and admiration from others where I get an energetic kick out of others seeing me a certain way which I realize partly has to do with the fact that I haven’t fully accepted my own worth or value as something real and valuable – and not as something that I need to chase or that I need others to constantly validate and confirm for me because I have the capacity, through self-honesty and common sense to recognize whether I am contributing with value to this world or not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to being infatuated with myself in and through which I created a positive energetic experience of self-infatuation that very much resembles the positive energetic experience I got as a young woman being hit on and flirted with by males

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that there’s nothing wrong with being prod of myself and enjoying my own expression, but that I have taken this to a level of obsession and energetic addiction where it is no longer a pure self-expression but in fact an ego and energetic experience that is like magnifying an enlarging something that is real in its essence but that stops being real the moment I try to savor it and feed myself off on it within and as the mind

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that me having certain qualities and abilities that I see are at times heightened in comparison with others, does not make me special or more-than others, but that these are in fact merely unique aspects of me that I have developed within/as who I am, that exist equal to that which is unique in every other person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as a stage of ego where I, as the mind, interpret seeing myself expanding myself as though I am becoming more than and better than others, as specialness and as such contaminate something that is an expansion of my expression and something I can enjoy and celebrate for a moment but that doesn’t change who I am or how I experience myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed inferiority and feeling less-than/not good enough to exist within me as an experience that I direct myself from and define myself according to within accepting it as real and valid and because of that not recognize/admit my own worth and value to myself as the manifestation and development of my utmost and unique potential and that I have then tried to compensate by trying to become more-than and thus distance myself even further from the potential of who I can become

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience myself terrible when I get the sense and feeling that another doesn’t like me or is irritated with me and within that believe that I must get everyone to like me, to love me even and adore me and think I am the most amazing – and if I don’t then I have failed and it is proof that I am just not good enough

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of being where all that matters is me, how I feel, what I want and how I experience myself, where I am the center of the universe in my own eyes and other people, the rest of the world barely exists and only exists to the extent of how it affects me or reflects back on me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize, see and understand that I am a part of a vast universe and that this world is inhabited by many people and beings who all exist here equally with me and how, for us to turn this ship around, everyone needs to develop and grow themselves to their utmost potential – not just me. It is not going to help anyone for me to become some kind of rockstar, guru type individual who everyone looks up to and who is untouchable (which is like the ultimate ego fantasy)

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize, see or understand that my value as an individual is intrinsically linked to the value of everyone else. It is in fact entirely in reverse of how I have experienced it – like to change it; I have to turn myself inside out.

Let me test this idea:

So at the moment I feel like I as a personality am at the center of the universe and the world exists to cater to my needs. At the same time I also feel like I am worth nothing and that my value can only come from other people valuing me. This is what I see is entirely in reverse. I can only value myself and understand my own value OR actually BE valuable in a practical sense, which doesn’t have anything to do with people saying it or showing it to me. You can have someone who is a super valuable human to humanity but that everyone hates because they don’t understand them – and so value has to do with the value I actually create in reality, and even then it is not about me because once it is created it is out of my hands. But I am valuable because I can contribute with creating value. I actually don’t understand the point of having intrinsic value as in “You’re valuable just because you are you” – I don’t buy it. But that’s because value is a real word, a real physical proof. The question is then why I take value so personal, like it would destroy me to not have value. Because see, maybe it is all one grand delusion. Maybe I don’t need value or have value – but maybe I never did. Maybe value is really just this practical assessment of contribution and not some existential quality that says anything about your right to exist or not. If that is so – then I can let go of the whole point of trying to value myself. I don’t have to be valuable – BUT I would definitely like to contribute with something valuable to this earth and why else exist? And I would be proud of myself if I made a difference.

Back to the other point of being the center of the universe: so if we look at that totally in reverse, the universe is then at the center of me and I am here to cater to its needs. But is that so? Isn’t that just a martyred version of the same egotistical personality? I would rather say it like this: that we’re all here equally and we have to work together to change this world and for the first time in the history of existence establish a world that is best for all – and to do that, we need every single individual part to contribute – and to do that, I cannot be solely focused on myself, because it is equally important that everyone else are a part of it – and so the mistake I’ve made is to see the world as a reality game show where we’re all fighting and competing with each other to get a place in the spotlight, a space that is perceived as a ‘nirvana/heaven’ type place where you can’t be touched and where you’d forever bask in the glory of your name.

In the past, when I have looked at this point I have looked at how I wanted to become this altruistic being who rested so much in themselves that they could just lean back and let everyone else take the stage. I imagined the calm and satisfaction I’d feel by not feeling the need to be at the center of attention and how relieved I would be to be at peace with myself. What is interesting is that there, even in this image is a point of narcissism, because of how I’ve glorified such beings in my mind – so it is essentially about wanting to be a saint.

But if I look at it now more commonsensically, I can see that the point is much more about letting go of false beliefs, for example the belief that I lack value and that I must get others validation to feel valuable. I don’t need to feel valuable; I don’t even need to be valuable, except for in a practical sense of our survival being dependent on how we each contribute with valuable skills to changing this world. So in that sense, we can take value out of the equation as an intrinsic self-experience, because that isn’t at all what it is.

What I can on the other hand do, is to recognize where I CAN create value or have the potential to create value, to not be blind or ignorant towards that due to self-judgment and to not go into inferiority when it comes to value and thereby sabotage my opportunity to contribute. Value is thus about that which benefits the greater good and is not something that can stand alone in an individual context.

Then, with the narcissism, something I see I can do is to deliberately establish/develop a viewing point of having the bigger picture with me in my considerations as I move and act in the world – where me being part of the world as a whole, and of the world as one, I stop existing within the limited focus of just thinking about myself.

I don’t have any relevance or value on my own. This doesn’t mean that I am not an individual, because obviously I am here as a singular human being, a specified entity, but the value I have or contribute with is always relative to the world as a whole. And the puzzle of sorting myself out is thus about becoming equal with all that exists – becoming an expression of life.

Self-Worth is therefore nothing more than the recognition of the value that one is contributing to reality – to not sell oneself short or miss out on the opportunity to being valuable to the world/existence as a whole. But for example a child who hasn’t made an impact on the world does not exist in a ‘minus value’ state where it is then less-than a person that has accomplished a lot throughout their life, like this is what I am realizing: there is value and there is not yet having created value. Then there is sabotaging the value there is or the potential for it, but neither defines who we are as human beings. So what I am realizing through this introspection is that value is something practical and tangible and not something intrinsic, moral or existential in the sense of it defining our right to exist. This means that if I am not producing anything of value to this world, it doesn’t mean that I am a ‘bad’ person. I see how I have taken value personal as something that defined me.

So, a lack of self-worth is really a misalignment, a misunderstanding of terms where one hasn’t yet recognized or is somehow sabotaging oneself from seeing the value one is contributing with or the potential of that. One is deliberately decreasing the value one contributes with by for example suppressing self or holding oneself back or by being insecure. So in that sense there are only these two points when it comes to value/worth: the potential and manifestation of it or the sabotage and denial of it or the potential of it.

A cell that becomes selfish becomes a cancer cell that mass produces itself for no other purpose than to make more of itself – and in turn destroy its world. Either I contribute with creating a life that’s best for all (i.e become the cell that supports the whole) or I do not and then I have delegitimized my own existence. So really, the EMOTION of feeling a lack of self-worth is a total deception – because it is hiding the fact that one isn’t contributing AS life, or with the potential of life that one actually could be. So basically: If you sabotage life, you already delegitimize your own existence, because then you are not life. So, self-worth is actually important in being able to recognize one’s contribution and the potential of such. That also means that we don’t have to feel bad about not creating worth/value – we can simply correct it, find solutions.

Self-Corrective Statements

Actively seeking out admiration

When and as I see that I am actively searching for admiration and attention by deliberately speaking/sharing from a starting-point of ego, or in retrospect go back and see how someone has reacted to what I wrote, I stop and I breathe.

I realize that I have become addicted to the energetic experience I generate when I feel admired and get attention as a form of ‘getting off’, similar to how I would experience it in the past when guys would look at me or flirt with me.

I realize that I can instead rejoice in myself and what I share and contribute with and be satisfied with myself when I have for example broken through a veil and have had a cool insight that I can share with others.

I realize that I do not need other people’s confirmation or validation any longer that what I say/write/share is cool because I can see in self-honesty whether it is effective or not – though I can still cross-reference with the responses I am getting, to see how I can best reach out to people – but without it being something that changes or heightens my experience of myself on an energetic level.

I commit myself to stop seeking out admiration and attention through what I say/share/write – and to in those moments instead bring myself back to myself and recognize for myself that it was cool – and then let it go.

Hearing myself speak/not listening to others

When and as I am speaking with another person or several people and I see that I am experiencing that pressure on my chest and even have these bursts of speech coming up while the other person is speaking and where I am not listening to them because I want to say something, I stop and I breathe. I

I realize that I have been resisting listening to others speaking partly because I have been so preoccupied with chasing after this experience of admiration and admiring myself and then also using it to feed my energetic addiction but also focusing more on speaking myself because I have felt a need to ’up’ myself in my mind’s eyes and through admiration from others because I have defined myself through the energetic experience I feel based on my perception of how others respond to me.

I also realize that I’ve been resisting listening to people because it means that I have to be still, calm and stable inside myself which are expressions that I have not yet mastered or integrated as a natural part of me and that I have resisted on its own.

So I commit myself to practice and support myself to remain stable and breathing while another is speaking and to not preemt what I am going to say or feel rushed to get to the point where I can speak. I commit myself to practice unconditional listening and hearing of what another is saying and while doing so, breathe and remain stable here.

Being egotistical in wanting more/what’s better for myself – and the failsafe of being benevolent out of narcissism

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to feel greedy and want to take what’s best for myself in a sneaky and secret way, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I’ve been egotistical and greedy and that this is actually a survival and fear based pattern and I realize that the more I accept and allow myself to do this, the more egotistical I become.

So therefore I commit myself to first of all use common sense in seeing what’s best for all in the moment, but to also challenge this part of myself by deliberately gifting another person with what is best in showing myself that I do not loose out by doing this – however I also commit myself to keep myself in check in not doing so with a false sense of humility where I do it to raise my ego in being benevolent – but instead rejoice in gifting another with what is best as I equally would for myself.

Being inferior and insecure without cause – and thereby focus unnecessarily on raising myself from this experience

When and as I see that I am experiencing myself as inferior, less-than or feeling insecure and I see that I am obsessing about this and becoming preoccipied with improving myself, I stop and I breathe. I realize that accepting and allowing myself to go into inferiority and allowing myself to get caught up in it – and in pitying myself is an egotistical thing to do and that when I do this, I disregard the world around me – but I also disregard my own value and what I can contribute with and I am not being self-honest about who I am or what I am capable of and therefore focus my attention on emotions instead of looking at how I can correct and improve myself in pracrical ways when needed and to also remember everyone around me and how I can support them where they are at.

So, I commit myself to push myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to go into a state of inferiority and feeling less than because I realize that this state is in no way valid or an accurate reflection of who I am – and that yes, I may be insecure about things I haven’t done before, but all that requires is practice and dedication.

Artwork: Selfish Man by Molood Mazaheri

From the Ivory Tower to the Gutter: Inferiority and Superiority Patterns. 376

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EgoThere is a part of my mind, and maybe in yours too, that is like sitting on a high horse of moral superiority, a queen in her ivory tower looking down at the mobs of people with despise. There is a part of me that can become cruel and harsh and spiteful – all justified from up above this ivory tower of judgment and elitism, where I believe myself to be inherently right, inherently better and that I therefore have a prerogative – and obligation even – to take people down, expose them to their weakness, destroy their opinions – all to apparently help them better themselves, all the while I raise myself up on a pedestal in my mind.

What I have found is that when we think we are better than others, we tend to also believe that we have a right, a privilege and an obligation to make decisions on their behalf – because we think we know better. This happens in parental relationships, between rich and poor countries, between friends and partners.

So in my case, I have noticed this side of myself coming up in moments where I have ideas about what ‘common sense’ is, what ‘norms’ are and ‘how things should be’, where I assume that I am simply right and that others are not only wrong – but also wrong for being wrong.

So why do we do this? Why do we feel the need to belittle and demolish others and their opinions? Often it stems from a deep insecurity, inferiority and dissatisfaction within ourselves – and from what I have experienced, it is often in those times where I am the harshest with myself, that I will also be harsh with others. So the two goes hand in hand. What is ironic is that when one is feeling insecure and inferior, it doesn’t actually help to raise oneself up by breaking others down – but within the mind, in the moment one does it, it feels good and it feels like one is being raised – but it is an illusion.

The cure as I have found it, to this personality system is to be/live the exact opposite of what this character stands for, namely humbleness, consideration, embracing self and others unconditionally, allowing myself to be vulnerable.

Then, the opposite of this coin is when we go into inferiority and here I had an interesting experience last week where I was feeling less-than someone else and was feeling insecure and because of that I was very preoccupied with ‘improving’ myself and ‘doing my best’ in the context of a new thing I had to do that I was quite nervous about.

What ended up happening was that I completely disregarded to be considerate towards another because I was completely immersed in my own inferiority and I did not at all consider them or what they might need, because I was so stuck in feeling less-than them – that I actually behaved in a way that wasn’t supportive for them because I had been focusing only improving myself. This was a cool wake-up call and made me consider this point of how, when I allow myself to go into inferiority, I am actually robbing both myself and others of the full potential of myself.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become judgmental, and to justify me being judgmental within a starting-point of accepting myself as superior to another, where I believe that I know better than them, and therefore my judgment is justified/appropriate, not realizing how this is a pattern I’ve copied from adults as a child through the inequality of the adult/child relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about judging another, because I feel superior to them and believe that I am automatically right because of it and because in judging them and making them less than me, I experience myself being validated in my superiority, even though I am the one validating it for myself, at the expense of another person

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel good about myself when I am being judgmental and spiteful towards another person, from within a state of superiority because I feel like I have a right and an obligation to tear them down, to break them down, to show them the weakness in their perspective, how wrong they are – and that they are wrong for being wrong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convince myself that I am doing the right thing when I cast my judgments of superiority upon another by justifying to myself that I am doing them a favor because I am right and they are wrong and they need to be educated on what is right because it is wrong to be wrong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the belief that there is something wrong with being wrong and with making mistakes and that the person doing it is deliberately responsible and therefore acting stupidly or malignantly because I believe that “they should know better”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to copy this belief from adults in my childhood who would get so mad at me or judge me when I did something that they thought I should have known better than to not do

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use superiority as a way to deal with my experience of inferiority, as a way that I believe I can ‘get out of’ my inferiority and so by, putting others down, will raise myself up from the little and less-than I believe and accept myself to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the premise of inferiority and superiority as something that I can be when I in fact realize and understand that these are emotional experiences and constructs in the mind based on the mind’s rules of competition and specialness – where the mind cannot possibly fathom or accept the possibility of equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immerse myself in inferiority to such an extent that I become egotistical and only can think about improving and bettering myself (raising myself from the ‘low/fallen’ position I believe myself to be in) and in the process, completely disregard other people

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that as long as I accept myself as inferior or superior I cannot be equal to another – which I am in fact – because I see other people only in context to my inferiority or superiority, as ‘extras’ in my mind’s game of polarity – and that I can only consider and care about others if I am in alignment and are balanced within me, knowing who I am and standing by/with/within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage a relationship with another person and thereby also my opportunity to learn from them and grow from their example, by making and accepting myself as inferior to them – and as inferior in general – because all my focus then goes to judging myself, belittling myself and simultaneously trying to raise myself from my position of inferiority

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself becoming harsh, as indicated by my lips tightening into a line and my eyes becoming wide and stiff within and as a state of superiority and judgment of looking down on another or myself – I stop and I take a breath. I realize that this is the elitist mind kicking in and that it is based on me believing that the other person is doing/saying/thinking/being something wrong that I have learned growing up is wrong and I am therefore treating them as I was treated as a child to teach them a lesson AND/OR I am in a state of inferiority attempting to raise myself up within my ego by bringing another person down. I realize that when I go into this state and when I justify wanting to break others down because what they are doing/saying/being is wrong, I am in fact being abusive and that this can potentially have damming consequences for another person which is not acceptable and I wouldn’t want someone else to treat me this way.

When and as I see myself becoming insecure, inferior, and feeling less-than another as indicated by me thinking about how to become better and talking to people about it in a nervous, insecure way, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I go into this state whenever I have compared myself to an ideal of who/how I believe I am supposed to be like instead of simply embracing whatever I am facing in unconditional self-support. I also realize that when I go into this state, I become egotistical because I only think about myself and how I can improve myself and I disregard others because I believe that my inferiority is more important than them.

I commit myself to stop accepting myself as either superior or inferior. I realize that when I go into either of these states, it is because I am out of alignment with the balance of myself and I commit myself to focus on becoming balanced within me when I do see myself going into either of these states. I commit myself to stop accepting myself as either superior or inferior to other people (or to ideas in my mind) and I commit myself to instead develop myself in and as equality with others, where I support them as I support myself to grow and develop my full potential.

Realization:

We can’t fully appreciate and rejoice in the wonder of another person’s unique expression and being, unless we first rejoice in our own. As long as there is lack of self-confidence and self-trust, we will focus so much on presenting and raising ourselves above the little we believe we are, that we have no capacity to celebrate the wonder in another.

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