Exploring the Deeper Levels of Jealousy and Competition. DAY 394

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JealousyIn the recent weeks, I have started to open up the pattern and reaction of jealousy within myself and with jealousy; also competition and comparison as I see are interconnected in and as a trinity, also connected with superiority, inferiority and judgment as specified in this recording.

So I have very slowly been lifting the lid on how jealousy exists within me, besides in the very obvious ways that I have written about in previous posts. The other day I was writing on a DIP assignment in which jealousy, competition and comparison is a major part of the pattern I am exploring, and I saw a specific dimension of jealousy that I hadn’t considered as clearly before.

I saw that jealousy and competition is based on a flawed calculation of facts within my mind where I perceive and believe myself to be in a situation of social or relational scarcity in and through which I go into fear of losing the relationship I experience that I have or could have with other people, not realizing that relationships doesn’t have to be based on a principle of scarcity.

Often the jealousy I have experienced has been related to relationships with people or with personal or physical attributes of other people. I have seldom for example been jealous of what people own. So it is quite interesting to look at jealousy in the context of fear of scarcity because that would mean that I believe that I exist in scarcity specifically when it comes to relationships and personal/physical attributes.

As I was looking at this, I started having memories coming up from when I was a child and I was part of several ‘girl groups’ where we would fiercely compete over and with each other. There was this idea that only two or three could play together or be friends, so there would always be someone ‘voted off the island’. I was not the most popular girl in the group, and so I was fighting with some of the other girls for the popular girls attention and friendship.

As recently as in my work, I noticed how this pattern crept up again within how I (very subtly under the radar of my own awareness) started becoming jealous at a co-worker, fearing that this co-worker would ‘take my place’ and then very subtly started taking actions to ensure that that wouldn’t happen.

Another way that this can play out is through deliberately blaming and finding faults and flaws in others where I realize that I was doing so deliberately because I felt threatened by them, somehow, in some perceived position that I fear losing, or that they have and that I want to gain. It is quite a nasty system that competition and jealousy system.

There can only be one god right? And we all want to be it. We all want to be on top, be the ones that succeed, and we couldn’t care less about the ones we have to trample to get there. It is a strange thing that is built into us and to our world because when people live according to this notion, the collective cannot be sustained, and in a very real sense this world is actually dependent upon its collective organism functioning to survive.

So when we act out in this notion of “there can only be ONE, and that ONE is ME”, we are actually enchanted by a form of insanity, a self-destructive mechanism because rather than protecting our survival, we become a threat to it.

Isn’t this also what cancer is and does? Where the cells turn against each other and try to take over the body, but without having the foundation of nurture and sustainability on a collective level. Maybe this is what happens when the principle of oneness is lived without the principle of equality, which could also explain the point of fear that sets the whole thing into motion – the fear of losing out, the fear of someone else being more, having more.

So I realize that these are the two positions one can have in relation to jealousy, comparison and competition. It is like we’re all in this long line and each one has their ticket, and the whole game is to get ahead and eventually be the one who is at the front of the line, whatever heaven or endgame we believe to be at the end of that rainbow. But you both have to protect the ticket you have now AND try to win the tickets of those who are ahead of you. So the one experience has to do with fearing that those who you perceive to be behind you (this could be in relation to a work position, in relation to physical appearance or any other parameter of competition that you deem valuable) will rob you of your ticket and push you back in the line. The other experience has to do with wanting the tickets of those who are in front of you in line and trying all sorts of schemes to get their tickets.

So if I bring this back to myself and to the experiences I have had with subtle notions of jealousy that emerges through a competitive fear of loss, I see that the solution is that I do/become the exact opposite of what I am within this experience, namely being generous, giving, open, sharing.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and accept a negative experience of jealousy and feeling threatened by another within fearing that they will take what I believe to be mine OR when they have/express something that I would like for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed that jealousy exists within me and that I have accepted and allowed myself to act out on jealousy and at times treat others in a not supportive way because I was so possessed with jealousy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trigger a possessive reaction within myself where I go into momentary insanity when I feel that someone is trying to take what I believe to be mine and I fear losing that which I believe to be mine, where I will virtually do or say anything to ensure I don’t loose what I believe to be mine

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a world of perceived scarcity in my mind where, I do not experience much physical scarcity due to living in a relatively supportive system, but where I have experienced what I perceived as social scarcity as a child and therefore believe myself to be living in a socially scarce world where I have to compete for attention, for positions and even for people that I want in my life – not realizing that this scarcity is entirely fabricated, as it is not actually so that there is only room for so many people in a person’s life and that people have to compete to ‘win’ a position. Obviously it is somewhat like this in the employment system, but even still, I live in a country with relatively little scarcity on that front which implies that my experience is irrational.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react immediately within a state of fear when I perceive scarcity and that I immediately trigger a behavior of start grabbing what I can for myself as a survival mechanism, instead of actually questioning the premise of the scarcity and see if I can challenge it and even invert it into abundance, create more rather than accepting the premise of less and then perpetuating it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to respond with fear and self-preservation as an automated reaction whenever I perceive that someone is out to get what I believe is mine and thus respond to it as a real threat that I must protect myself against instead of stopping up and questioning the premise of my experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a subconscious undercurrent pattern of perceiving myself to be in a constant competition with everyone else in this world, causing me to see others as a threat, calculating and analyzing them and myself in a constant competition to see who’s where on the ‘scoreboard’ and whether they are either a threat to me or I need to be a threat to them

Self-Corrective Statement

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in competitive thoughts or backchat I stop and I breathe

I realize that this pattern of competition is a self-sabotage and self-destruction mechanism and that its purpose is to ensure that we do not realize ourselves in oneness AND equality and therefore that the solution to stopping this is to emphasize equality on a real and practical level

I commit myself to change my relationship with other people from being competitive and fear-based to being based on mutual support, sharing and equality

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to act out in jealousy towards another, I immediately stop myself

I realize that acting out in jealousy is a possession of fear of loss /desire to win based on competitive programming and that it is in no way based on real or sound principles

I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to act out in jealousy.

I will continue in writings to come.

To learn more about jealousy and competition:

The History, Origin and Nature of Jealousy

Life Review – Comparison, Judgement and Competition

Self Forgiveness on the Experience of Jealousy

Learn more about this way of living:

Is this what a Perfect Mother looks like? DAY 393

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the perfect motherBeing pregnant I have been facing some interesting points and experiences that I had no idea existed before becoming pregnant. One of the reasons is that pregnancy in how it is displayed in the media, is very one-dimensional and paints a romantic picture of the wonderful harmonic pregnant woman, without also relaying all the shocking and sometimes painful and horrible experiences one might go through.

This particular experience surprised me because it was not at all something I was expecting to experience.

In looking back at my childhood, I’ve mostly had a rather negative relationship with how I grew up. I have specifically focused on the lack that I experienced, both on a social, emotional and physical level. When I got pregnant however, I suddenly started thinking about all the awesome things my mother especially did for me when I was a child. She did in fact do a lot of things that I now would like to be able to do with my child, which surprised me a lot.

When I was a small child, we didn’t own a TV so our nights would consist of listening to the radio, read books, do chores or do something creative. I didn’t grow up with much. The first 6 years of my life we lived in a small apartment in the middle of the city. We never owned a car. I rarely got new clothes. My mom is a nature lover and would take me on bike rides and walks in nature as well as on travels that focused on spending time in nature. She would make sure to feed me wholesome and healthy home-cooked food every day. For the Danish equivalent of Halloween where kids dress up called Fastelavn, she would make me these incredible homemade costumes. When I was two, we started going on weeklong canoe trips every year with a friend of my mother’s and her children where I would sit in the middle of the canoe with a blanket around me as the adults and older children rowed. She spent endless hours reading to me, all the way up until I was 9 or 10 years old where I started reading more independently by myself.

Looking back at all this now that I am pregnant, I have wondered how life will be for my child. I have totally different lifestyle than I did growing up. It is almost the exact opposite in fact. I live on farm with my husband. We have two cars. Although we don’t have a TV, we both spend most of our free time on our computers, either working, researching, attending to our personal process or watching tv-series or movies. We don’t spend a lot of time in nature and we rarely go traveling. We do cook every day more or less and we use vegetables from our garden, but I am definitely also prone to a more ‘unhealthy’ way of eating, liking candy and the occasional pizza (which I never used to get as a child).

So in looking back, and comparing the life my mother provided me with, with the life I will be offering my child, I have started to worry that what I will offer is not good enough. I mean, I don’t want to be the kind of parent who never goes out and explores, who spends all their free time watching TV or on the computer, and yet, that is the example I am mostly living at the moment.

There is however also a different perspective which is that my husband and I can give our child something that I never had as a child; parents who are more self-aware, who are walking a process of becoming self-responsible, who doesn’t take their personal issues out on their children, whether directly or indirectly because of not knowing any better.

And yet another perspective is that we won’t ever be able to give our children the same childhood as we were given (I am also aware that I shared a very idealized version of it here!), because the times are different. When I was growing up, we didn’t have computers or smartphones, so technology wasn’t as integral a part of every day life as it is now. I am grateful to have access to technology, and I know that there are some awesome, amazing things one can do with it too, also together with a child. We will be able to research anything together. We can have a discussion about the lives of walruses in one moment, and in the next we can watch a documentary about walruses or find templates for how to draw them.

When I browse through the parenting Facebook groups I am a part of (they are typically for mothers adhering to an alternative way of raising their children; attachment parenting/Continuum concept/baby carrying/long term breastfeeding etc.), I see a lot of mothers worry about being bad mothers, even in the most minuscule of things.

In the times of today, mothers even try to control that their children are having the most optimal or perfect upbringing in the smallest detail of things, from feeding them an exact amount of breast milk every day at certain specific times, to only giving them specific foods and not in any way allowing them to come into contact with things like television or candy. It is no wonder that mothers are stressed out and exhausted! Along with having to work full time and pursue careers that fulfill us on a personal level, we also have to make sure we exercise and eat to look at best at all time, not mentioning being the perfect mothers to our children.

So – I would like to prevent this from escalating in my life as a mother. I’ve already walked through a near breakdown in relation to my cats (that I wrote about here) that was triggered by the exact same motherhood pattern, and this is not something I ever want to experience again. But I see how easy it is to fall into these intense and desperate fears of failing as a mother, equally connected with the intense desire to be perfect and in full control at all times.

I will start by releasing the fears, beliefs and desires through self-forgiveness and then I will prescribe a preventive and corrective process for myself so that I can stop this pattern from developing further.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a negative experience of worrying that I won’t be a good enough mother for my child when I look at the life I have now and the life I lived as a child with my mother, where I compare the two in an absolute way and conclude that one was perfect and ideal and another is not, when I know that this is not the case in fact

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and fear that I won’t provide my child with as good a childhood as the one I have because I don’t live in the same way now as I did as a child, because I do don’t the same things that my mother did with me, when in fact there is nothing that is stopping me from changing how I live now or later when I have my child

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, already before having my child, trigger and become preoccupied with the motherhood fear and guilt system that I see in so many mothers that causes us to not be relaxed and natural around our children, expressing ourselves in an authentic and relaxed way, but that instead causes us to be constantly worried, tense and trying to control our children so that they will have and be what is best, actually causing us to not be the best for them that we can be, in trying so hard to be perfect

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold an ideal within my mind of who and how I am supposed to be as a mother, an ideal that I have absorbed from watching movies, television, seeing advertisements and seeing other mothers in my world, not realizing that this is an ideal that is entirely impossible to live where I as a mother am perfect at all times, having a perfect home, perfect body, perfect husband, perfect job, cook perfect cook and everything is simply perfect all the time – not realizing that I have copied this ideal from a one-dimensional still image of a perfect mother that is not only constructed and fake but that is also only containing one split second of a moment where things seemingly are or seem perfect, that I then believe that I must emulate in every moment, in every way and that I then hold myself up against and compare myself according to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I am setting myself up to fail when I believe I must live up to an ideal of being a perfect mother that is physically impossible to manifest into real life, because no matter what I do, I will never be that mother

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, within my mind, measure the success of a mother based on the level and length of perceived perfection she is able to portray, thus for how long and how good she is able to portray herself as the ideal of a still image of perfection, instead of success being measured by who I am in reality with my child as I grow, learn and develop myself with my child, as being and becoming my fullest potential

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an overtly positive expectation towards myself as a mother, where I think and believe that I will be so great at it and it will be so natural for me, which is the other side of the coin of this ideal and the fear I experience towards failing, where I am convincing myself that I am living up to the ideal and try to boost myself in my mind’s eye, instead of letting the entire thing drop and let go of trying to be perfect and in control, since what I will be facing with having a child, is something I’ve never done before, and so I have no idea how it will be or how I will

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in fear and worry towards not being good enough of a mother towards my child, I stop and I breathe. I look at if there’s something in my practical reality I want to change, now or when I have my child that I see will benefit my child, and if there is, then I start implementing it, if not then I let go of the point and trust myself to direct myself here.

I realize that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it was in any way possible for me to control the outcome of having a baby in such a way that I could be perfect and that I therefore should strive for this perfection as anything less than that would be a failure and I now realize that that perfection was an illusion and that if I actually spiraled into this pattern of control, I would do myself and my child a disservice

As such, I commit myself to embrace myself here, as who I am, as and within the process I am walking, in my imperfection, to focus on who I am within and to keep walking the process I am walking of birthing life from the physical as what is best for all and let that be my measure of success as I walk into motherhood – to decide and determine who I am in all moments, as I walk into it with the self-trust that I will change and correct myself when necessary, and so grow and expand in the process.

How to become a perfect mother is thus to embrace my imperfections and within that stand as an example to my child of someone who is willing and able to grow, change and learn from their mistakes.

Learn more about this way of living:

Shortcuts becomes Detours. The Only Way Out is Through. DAY 392

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the mind as a computerHow can the analogy of a slow and virus-infested computer support us to understand how our minds work, and how are directly responsible for creating states of crisis within ourselves? How can we use the exact same analogy as a tool to empower ourselves with in moments of a life crisis?

Firstly, a note on the notion of a life crisis: As I see it at the moment, there are two types of life crises. The first one is where unexpected external events happen that catapult you into a state of crisis within your body, mind and being. This might be triggered by a divorce, or by the onset of illness in yourself or a loved one, or by any other external event that forces you to reevaluate your entire life and who you are within it.

The second type of life crisis is where something happens inside yourself, within your mind, body and being that equally forces you to have to reconsider your entire life. It could be exhaustion that causes you to have to reevaluate your line of work, or it could be an experience of not having any feelings for your husband or wife and wondering if you should stay with them.

The common denominator in the two types of life crisis is that the events taking place are unexpected, and ‘rock the boat’ of the life that you had taken for granted or come to rely on and find stability in. As such, the experience of being in a life crisis is something that prompts you to reevaluate certain aspects of your life and yourself within it.

In my case it is a combination of the two types of life crises, but the ‘crisis’ aspect itself pertains more to the second definition. The external events that have played out in my case aren’t events that are necessarily ‘destructive’ or ‘bad’ in my life. For example: I am currently 7 months pregnant and being pregnant has brought on a lot of new experiences within me. It has triggered or intensified fears that existed within me already, but that I hadn’t walked through. Secondly, there have been some changes in my relationship with certain people in my life, which in turn has prompted me to have a very long hard look at myself and who I am within my life.

Within all this I saw a cool analogy as to explain how I got to the point where I am at now, where I cannot go on, or continue as I have been in the past:

Imagine that I am a computer. I have my body, which are the hardware and my mind, which is the software of the computer. Now – how do many of us handle our computers (or smartphones or tablets or other devices)? What do we do when we get those notifications that we need to update a program or that we might be affected by a virus? Many of us flat out ignore them. Why? Because we’re busy playing a game or watching porn, or we are sending that important email or scrolling through our Facebook feed or we are busy buying shoes. We can’t be bothered with the computer’s prompts for us to take action – to make decisions – to take responsibility. We’ll do it later or we hope the computer somehow will fix itself.

At the very bottom list of our considerations is that it could possibly be our responsibility to ensure that our computer is up to speed and in good condition. Why? Because most of us don’t even understand our computers. We couldn’t be bothered to. We just want to be able to use them without the hassle of having to have an engineering degree or a burning passion for programming. Is that too much to ask for?

As the days progress, the computer starts getting slower and slower. Suddenly some of the programs won’t open. In the beginning you just ignore it. At some point you start to wonder what is causing it, and in the back on your mind you remember that there was that notification that you kept ignoring every time it popped out, but still; you can’t be bothered. You’re busy right now and it really isn’t a good time to have to drop everything to fix your computer, plus who knows what many issues could be hiding in there, and you have no idea how to fix it. So you leave it be and you get used to waiting for programs to open or waiting for the computer to reboot when it crashes. Sure, you loose some documents once in a while that you didn’t save in time, but it isn’t a catastrophe.

Then one day you need to install a new program; let’s say it is Photoshop, and it is really important for your career or your business. For whatever reason, it is something that has to be done. But you can’t. The computer won’t install it, however many times you try. It keep coming up with an error message that your computer is so outdated or compromised by virus that it simply can’t handle the new program effectively. In fact, for the new program to work properly, the computer has to be in tiptop, optimal condition.

And then it hits you: unless you go back and deal with all the things you ignored for so long, you won’t be able to install the new program and you actually might risk loosing your job in the process. So now you HAVE TO do it.

The computer is so compromised that it will take time,  you have no idea how long, and you have no choice but to go through it program by program, learning how to understand it and how to delete or upgrade the programs or install new ones when needed. There is no more “Can’t be bothered” because you don’t have a choice.

This is where I am at in my life at the moment. I am at a point where I have to install a new and very important program (a new baby!). I am at a point were I have allowed myself to ignore and dismiss certain inner ‘notifications’ telling me that there were points within me I needed to take care of. I’ve abdicated responsibility for the programs that exists within me, by saying to myself that they are too complicated, that I just don’t understand them or that I’ll take care of it later – exactly as many of us do with our computers, compromising them until we can’t work on them anymore and we either have to reinstall an entirely new operating system or send them for maintenance because we can’t fix them ourselves.

When you try to take shortcuts in life, they very quickly become detours, perhaps because you don’t know where you are going, or because you get distracted from following the path you are on. Therefore, the quickest way to any destination in life is often to walk it straight through. It is the same with this point.

I couldn’t be bothered with taking care of things along the way, because I was existing in a La La Land in my mind of “everything is fine” and “I can’t be bothered right now” and so now I have no choice but to walk the entire point through from beginning to end, all at once, whereas I could’ve otherwise handled it one point at a time.

This is obviously also partly what causes the ‘shock’ that I experienced as a life crisis, because I had totally stuck my head in the sand in terms of being observant about what was going on within me, so when everything started resurfacing, it was unexpected to say the least.

If we go back to the computer analogy it means that it would have been much more practical to simply click on those notifications prompting me to take care of the computer as they popped up, instead of waiting until the whole thing became compromised and I could barely work on it and had to go over it in its entirety.

The other point I want to bring up here is the point of self-responsibility. In the analogy I used before with the computer, there is this abdication of responsibility within hoping that the computer will take care of itself OR in a worst case scenario that I can send it to someone who can fix it – which often leads to the whole cycle starting all over again because the I am still not taking self-responsibility for taking care of my computer, and so will again run it down to a point of near destruction, before once again taking it to an expert who is by the way making a decent living off of people like me who do not take care of their things.

Regarding my relationship with my computer, which is an essential and important life line in my life, I realize that I have to take responsibility for learning how to take care of it, at least in the most basic ways that I can. It doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with taking it to an expert, if I can’t boot it or something has happened that I can’t fix, but there’s a big difference between doing that, and then totally mismanaging it in a state of abdication of responsibility.

The same goes for my mind, my body and my life. The primary responsibility for all of that is with me, and if there’s something I don’t understand about myself, I have a responsibility to learn and develop that understanding so that I can take care of myself in the best way possible.

This is the process I am busy with and while it is not necessarily a lot of fun, I am grateful that it has opened up now and that I have the opportunity to give myself a fresh start.

The wonderful thing with computers is that there is most often nothing wrong with the hardware itself (unless it is old, broken or doesn’t have enough RAM) which means that it can go from being barely functional to being in tip top shape simply by one taking care of upgrading, removing, reinstalling programs and software. We can do the exact same in our own minds – and yes, it does sometimes require a systematized and structured and intense process of ‘healing’ or ‘programming’ – but it can be done.

Learn more about this way of living:

Facing The Storm of a Life Crisis. DAY 391

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Life crisisThis post goes out to anyone who is facing turbulence in their lives, who is feeling like everything is upside down, feeling lost or feeling in despair. Maybe you are in a life-changing process, maybe what you are facing cannot be seen by anyone but you. This goes out from one person immersed in a life crisis to another, as a point of support and stability in the storm.

Recently I have been facing some points that have shaken me to such an extent that I have felt like my entire world was upside down and that I couldn’t find any form of grounding within it. I have felt lost, abandoned, alone and very confused within all this – like my whole world was falling apart, and this is something I haven’t experienced in quite some years.

Then something interesting happened.

The other day I spoke with two people in two completely unrelated situations and it turned out that they too were facing points in their lives where they had to reevaluate the very things in life they otherwise rely on for stability. It was almost the exact same as I was experiencing, only our focal points were different.

It was around the same time that Trump was elected president in the U.S and a shockwave swept over a lot of people all over the world. They too felt like their world had been shaken to the core.

Now – I cannot explain to you exactly why this is happening and I am certainly not here to tell you that it is mercury in retrograde and that it will all be over soon. So this isn’t a story to calm the nerves and tell you that the turbulent flight we seem to all be on is going to be over soon or not crash into the ocean. I have no idea if it will or if it won’t.

What I can do is to share some points that I have realized in this process that may be supportive for you, if you too find yourself ‘caught’ in a ‘life-altering tornado’ that seems to be pulling everything you hold dear up by the root, whirling it all up into the air, leaving you completely disoriented not knowing where it will all land, or if it ever will.

Something I realized after nearly breaking down with a panic attack for the 10th time over not understanding what the hell is going on within me, is that a issue in all of this has for me been that I fear the very process I am in.

I don’t like when I don’t understand what’s going on, within me or otherwise. I don’t like when I don’t immediately see from A to Z in a point or at least that I can quickly orientate myself and get back on track. I don’t like that I have no idea when this ‘roller-coaster ride’ is going to be over and I can return to my relatively stable ‘normal’ life and I certainly do not like not knowing IF it ever WILL return to that or if I am now catapulted into a totally unfamiliar territory, seemingly floating without direction, like someone lost at sea or in outer space.

I like when things are simple, clear, easily understandable, neatly organized and approachable. I am not (it is something I am working on) a person who is super excited about having to push through difficulties and hardships. Instead I have during my life created a lot of survival mechanisms that involve ‘slipping under’ and ‘sliding through’. I have to a certain extent had an easy time ‘getting’ things and the things I didn’t get, I simply avoided. But now the thing I don’t get is myself and parts of my life that I have no choice but to take direction over, and so I have no choice but to face this point head on. There’s literally no place to escape to because no matter where I go, I am always with me.

So – I finally realized that I have to embrace the process I am in at the moment. This is a creation process and not knowing what I will create or even how to create it, is not a ‘bad’ thing. It is also not bad or dangerous that I don’t have any immediate or easy answers or solutions for myself.

It is showing me that there are still more points for me to work with and uncover and I cannot force it to be ‘over with’ or ‘return to normal’ because that would be the same as preventing this process of transformation from unfolding – preventing change within wanting to crawl back into my comfort-zone. I don’t understand it yet, and that is OK. I am in no way in control of it – and I never was. I don’t know exactly who I am right now, and that is actually much more cool than walking around being super ‘together’, thinking that I’ve got it all figured out, all the while I am living on a total lie.

In all of this, this is something that I have been able to stabilize myself through:

I would rather be in a total state of crisis within myself, not knowing what’s up or down or who the hell I am – but at least be honest with myself, than I would want to live on a lie, or crawl back into my comfort-zone of self-deception (It reminds me of the scene in Matrix with the guy who wants back into the matrix because he can’t stand the truth about the real world and so compromises everyone just so that he can go back into total oblivion).

Luckily, it is not the first time in my life that I have experienced my world being rocked in the sense that I am facing having to question every part of myself and things I have spent years taking for granted. For each time this has happened, my life has become so much more real and enriched, so much more than I could have ever imagined had I remained in my little cocoon of self-deception and limitation where it was comfortable yes, but not in any way real or true.

So I am no stranger to this type of thing happening, and it has happened so much that I have grown to develop a deep appreciation and gratitude for when it does happen, because it is usually in these moments – these most painful moments – that I have developed myself the most, the fastest and in the most substantial ways. In fact, I owe everything I am now to these and such moments of total crisis.

But this time it was different and it triggered me to react because of this dimension of not being in control of the process, of not understanding what is going on. It is perhaps because, for the first time ever in my life, I have actually had something to lose, (or so I’ve thought). I have had quite a few years of ‘settling in’ to a certain life and I had become rather comfortable in it, and now, all the lies I told myself, all the compromises I made, are coming back with a vengeance to bite me in the ass.

What I have found supportive through all this, is to find a couple of anchor points, points that I DO SEE, and then start from there – because however lost and bewildered we are, there is something, some part of us that haven’t lost all clarity and from there we can start walking ourselves into a new creation as we at the same time face, forgive and let go of what was.

The only thing I can do is to remain completely open and humble towards this process and allow myself to BE in it rather than fight against it or try to make it neat and pretty and control its outcome.

I have no idea where this process will lead me, but I trust that as I push myself to be self-honest and face the lies that I’ve allowed myself to live and dare to question even the parts of myself that I’ve taken for granted the most, who I will be on the other side of this can only be a clearer and more authentic myself.

Life crises are not bad points or moments in our lives – they are beautifully, raw, painful opportunities to wash or burn the parts of ourselves that weren’t nothing but lies in the first place, but that we’ve lived for so long that we came to believe and accept them as all we were. Life crises are opportunities to face and let go of such lies, fears and fake personas in which we’ve been wrapped up, and rise up like phoenixes from the ashes, so that we can start again anew, cleansed and refreshed. But we can only do that if we actually learn from the painful lessons that the ‘fire’ of transformation holds for us, and to do that we have to be willing to be completely naked before ourselves and show ourselves the very worst parts of ourselves and dare to let that go, completely and unconditionally and stand up as something completely new, yet at the core we’re still ourselves, only more ourselves than ever before, but we won’t know what that is, who that is, until we actually create ourselves.

I have experienced quite some moments of despair and feeling completely stuck in a loop in all this, and in those moments I have pushed myself to reach out and speak up and ask for support from someone that I trust to see common sense when my vision might be fogged all up by my own mind – and I am tremendously grateful for that. But because I know how extreme this can be, I also know that we sometimes make some bad decisions when we are in these states of crisis, especially if we feel like we don’t have anyone to reach out to and everything is so twisted around that we might not ever again land on our two feet.

I want to invite you to reach out to me if you ever feel like you could use someone to stand with you, to stand grounded next to you for a moment until you regain your footing. I am immensely grateful to have such people in my life and I don’t know what I would do without them and at the same time I am committing myself to become that anchor for myself, so that I can face the (cleansing) storms of life within myself without having to lose my ground in the process.

What My Inner Trump Hater Shows about Me. DAY 390

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Trump haterDuring the past couple of days I have seen a lot of people expressing some very negative emotions towards Donald Trump (but also towards Hillary Clinton) and I have noticed how there behind the feelings of ‘shock’, ‘anger’ and ‘disgust’, also is a certain satisfaction that we seldom speak about; how it can feel good to hate someone, to feel disdain for them, to despise them.

At the same time, I have been looking at a point within myself of carrying very subtle and hidden blame towards others; something that’s come up both with my partner but also with other people.

So it made me have a look at this pattern within me, my inner ‘Trump hater’ so to speak, who finds a satisfaction in seeking out enemies and victimizing/sanctifying myself in the process. Now, I know that the experience of satisfaction isn’t as obvious, some may not even experience it as such, and it also is not the focus on this blog post. The point is really that we are very quick to point out scapegoats and faults in others before looking at our own.

It is very easy to claim to have sanctified values and something entirely different to actually live out those values, day in and day out, in every moment. How many of us actually do that? It is very easy to look as someone like Trump (or Hillary) and see the devil, but what about our own inner devils? It is so easy to see ourselves as “good-hearted, hardworking Americans” (literally or figuratively speaking since I am not actually an American) that looks even more benevolent in the light of someone like Trump. But what about our own inner Trumps? When do we ever confront these aspects of ourselves or examine them in minute detail down to every single word ever spoken or publicly written? Maybe we should?

Donald Trump isn’t the reason this world is in the condition it is in. We are that reason, each of us individually and collectively as well all make up a part of the world that is here, whether through seemingly innocent gossiping and exclusion of certain members of our community or through over consumption and obsession with buying the ‘right’ things – we’re all in some way contributing to creating the world EXACTLY as it is OR we would not waste our time being angry at Trump for ‘how bad’ he is. If we were truly doing something about the state of the world, we would be out there doing it, far too busy to worry about the apparent power of another individual. We would be out there using our own.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use another person as a scapegoat and as focal point for which I project everything that’s bad, within me and within the world onto, and so when I put all the focus and attention on them, I look better in my mind’s eye, I can hide behind them and say “see, I’m not so bad” and thereby abdicate responsibility for the evil and nastiness that I contribute with to this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look in a deliberately critical and judgmental way towards people in frontline positions of seemingly power and within that wait for any moment for them to screw up or make a mistake so that they can be taken down and stripped off their power

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be deliberately suspicious towards someone that I perceive having gotten into a position of power, believing that they must’ve necessarily faked and cheated their way to this position

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize, see and understand that what I am confronted with when I react to a person in a position of power that I am critical towards, is my own relationship with power and being in a position of leadership, where I know that I could do more and be more to be a leader in my field – within myself even – but instead of developing my own leadership skills, I come down hard on someone else in a position of power, to keep the negative focus on them so I can keep a positive focus on me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a hidden and subtle experience of satisfaction within being critical, judgmental, spiteful and even hateful towards a person in a power position, because it makes me feel righteous and it makes me feel like the more I hate and despise that person, the more I remove myself from them and the bad things that I perceive they stand for, and thus I rise up within my own mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretively believe that I should have the power that I see another person has, and that I believe they shouldn’t have and that I would make a much better leader than them because I believe that I see EVERYTHING that’s wrong and everything that’s right in this world and thus I place myself in a position of over-power within my mind, but without actually claiming any real power or doing anything lead to take a leadership position

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on being critical and judgmental towards another person in a leadership position rather than looking at who I am as a leader within my own life, towards my own body and mind and myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always conveniently find someone whom I can blame as being the big bad wolf in a situation, and to even seek out ‘signs’ of someone being a big bad wolf in heir words so that I can make them into a big bad wolf in my mind and in conversations with others and thereby get the target off my own back as well as focus my attention of hating them and despising them and so not focus on actually changing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with nitpicking another person’s words and to deliberately and within preconceived judgment ‘look for’ faults and inconsistencies within their words so that I can disempower them within my mind and hold them at fault for what they say, when I in fact hold no such scrutiny towards my own words or what I accept or allow to come out of my mouth

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to focus on another person’s apparent faults and flaws within my mind, I stop and I breathe.

I realize that if I am focusing on another person’s faults and flaws it is an indication that I am looking at them from within a state of ego within me, of sitting on a high horse in my mind, thinking I am better than them when in fact I am merely using them as a scapegoat to not have to focus on myself or my own faults and flaws

I commit myself to stop using other people as scapegoats to not have to focus on myself

I commit myself to stop focusing on other people’s flaws and faults and instead focus on myself and what I can do to change myself, how I can become the best possible leader of myself, my body and my mind, how I can contribute to creating a world that is best for all

Reacting when Others React to Me. DAY 389

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projecting emotionsA couple of days ago I noticed an interesting pattern when I experienced a conflict with another person. In this particular instance the other person was reacting to me and something I said and I noticed how I reacted to them reacting to me. The reaction was one of feeling attacked without cause and resentment towards the person and I noticed how this experience lingered with me for a while within not wanting to speak with them or look at them because I felt betrayed by them.

While this was going on, I was at the same time looking at myself and asking myself what was going on within me and why I was reacting. I had come to take it so much for granted that I hadn’t questioned it or whether or not it was in fact commonsensical. I realized that it makes no sense – there is no practical reason for me to react simply because others react, and it often causes a lot more harm to the situation – it certainly doesn’t help!

It made me look at where else in my life I experience this and I noticed how this is a common experience within me, resenting others for reacting and judging them for reacting, as though reacting in itself is ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’.

Because I had now made myself aware of this pattern, the next time I experienced someone reacting to me, I deliberately stopped myself from going into a counter-reaction towards them, and it made it possible for me to support the other person by explaining to them what I was seeing going on and I was able to make a suggestion for how to solve the point, which in turn supported the person to stop their reaction. I was able to explain to them what I saw them reacting to, in how they saw me, and also share where I was coming from within the situation. I’ve experienced that when you react to someone, it helps to understand where they are coming from, and it adds more dimensions to an otherwise one-dimensional point of view, which can support the person to stop their reaction.

Now – if I had counter-reacted when seeing that the other person was reacting (as would be my pattern), I would have perpetuated the moment of reaction, intensified it and most likely it would have caused the other person to react even more.

So here, I am going to follow up on the point of change, to apply self-forgiveness and prescribe a self-corrective statement for myself, so that I can walk this change through, in any moment where I see another is reacting to me.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a pattern of automatically reacting when I see and perceive that another is reacting to me or something I say or do, from within a starting point of blaming, judging and resenting them for reaction within seeing it as wrong and bad to react

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see/judge it as wrong and bad to react when others react to me and I think/see that I haven’t done anything wrong and as such it is unfair/not ok for them to react to me because I believe that they are essentially attacking me without cause as I perceive others reacting to me as an attack – while at the same time I have accepted and allowed myself to react to others in the exact same way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and believe other people reacting to me as an attack, because I can feel their reaction energetically within the shift taking place from before they were reacting, and because I automatically take it personal and feel it as though it is penetrating my body and causing me to experience energetic and physical discomfort, when I in fact know from myself that when a person reacts it is always about themselves and the person they are reacting to, are merely a mirror for their own reaction within/towards themselves and as such they aren’t even reacting TO another person and as such that means that the other person isn’t actually doing anything TO me when they react to me, even though I am picking up on their reaction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge, define and believe it to be ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’ when I react and therefore judge myself for reacting, and therefore judge others for reacting too

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that reactions are a sign that a person is not in control of themselves and that not being in control of oneself is ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’, when in fact that is the entire premise of who we have become and so the opposite of not being in control of oneself in this context, is actually equally detrimental because it means that one is merely denying, suppressing and holding reactions back and then that is supposed to be ‘good’ and ‘right’ – when in fact the reactions are still here within us and thus, we are still not really truly in control of ourselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge, define and believe it to be ‘good’ and ‘right’ to deny, suppress and ignore reactions as what I have been taught growing up, as a part of fitting into society and ‘getting along’ with other people, when this is in fact based on a self-dishonest starting-point where one isn’t taking responsibility for one’s reactions whatsoever, which is in fact also what tends to lead one to eventually explode because one cannot control/contain one’s reaction forever and hold it inside oneself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and embrace reactions as a part of who I have become within and as my abdication of and separation from myself to the mind, that is showing me where I am specifically abdicating responsibility for myself by projecting parts of myself outside myself onto others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace another when I see that they are reacting to something they are projecting onto me, within and as standing with them, as a mirror of stability and self-honesty, instead of being a mirror of reaction within taking their reaction personal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace myself when and as I see that I am projecting something onto another, that I have created a conflict/separation with/towards within myself, and so stand as a mirror of stability and self-honesty within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that simply because I can feel that another is reacting, it doesn’t mean that this is influencing, changing or harming me in any way, simply that I am picking up on a change in the environment, similar to a change in temperature, only here being an energetic change

Self-Corrective Statement

When and as I see or perceive that another is reacting to something they are projecting onto me and I see that I am reacting towards them, I stop and I breathe.

I realize that simply because I am feeling/picking up on another being in a reaction, it doesn’t mean that their reaction is affecting, influencing or harming me.

I realize that when another reacts to something they project onto me, it isn’t actually about me and so there is no reason for me to make it personal

I realize that when I react to another reacting, I perpetuate that reaction within them and within me and I sabotage a potential moment of support and change for another and for myself

I commit myself to not take it personal when another is reacting within projecting a reaction within themselves onto me

I commit myself to remain stable and sound within me when I see another is reacting and to embrace them in their reaction within seeing how I can assist and support them to move through their reaction

Redefining STABILITY in Relation to Emotions. DAY 388

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redefining the word stabilityI am here continuing to explore my relationship to the word STABLE that I started opening up in the previous blog post. In the days after the previous blog, I realized that virtually all my ‘issues’ in life comes down to my relationship with emotions, including my relationship to the word STABLE. I realized that I have identified and affiliated myself to such a degree with emotions that I time and time again choose emotions over common sense, dive into them, gorge on them and eventually ‘drown’ in a state of possession, before coming back to the surface and going like “what the hell did I just do?”

It is an addiction yes, but it is also a warped sense of loyalty where my sense of self is so tied to my emotions, it is so much ‘me’ that I almost feel like I am betraying myself if I reject or don’t act on my emotions. Going back in my life, there is a clear thread in all this.

From my mother who is a person with a lot of spunk and expression and who grew up in a strict Christian home and spend her whole life freeing herself and learning to accept herself, to my father who was severely bipolar and fought the system, the doctors and himself because he felt invincible and near divine in those moments of manic ingenuity and wanted to stay like that forever.

In my own life as a small child, I felt like my body was controlled, that adults controlled me all the time, with their rules and their morality. I felt weighed down by senseless expectations to fit in, both within my environment and within my own mind. So the more I look at it, the more I see how my relationship with emotions has to do with a warped sense of ‘self-integrity’, that because emotions are MINE and MINE ALONE – especially when they contradict what is considered normal in society, they set me free.

So ironically, I have existed in a state of total enslavement towards something that is essentially a sort of chemically induced hallucination, or rather a self-manipulated mental hallucination that induces chemical alterations in the body and makes you believe that it is real.

By the way, when I say emotions here, I mean all kinds of emotions from negative experiences like fear and depression to positive experiences like desire and pleasure.

I am saying all of this because when I looked at my relationship to the word STABLE and why it is that I don’t live this word as a consistent expression of who I am, it is exactly due to emotions and the way I let emotions override and suppress the natural stability of the body. In fact, you could say that emotions are the exact opposite of stability because of their total volatility.

So when I looked at how to start living the word STABLE, it really mostly has to do with stopping accepting and allowing myself to be emotional so that my natural expression of stability can step forth and be developed.

My current redefinition of the word STABLE is “Standing and staying able” as mentioned in the previous blog post. I will here look at how to start living the word stable by creating a network of supportive words that serves the purpose of supporting me to be able to live the word STABLE.

To stand and stay able to live in a supportive way that is best for all, I saw in the last post the words FOUNDATION, CONSISTENCY, INTEGRITY, BALANCE, FLEXIBILITY and EQUILIBRIUM.

I specifically had a look at how I am preventing myself from living the word STABLE in my day to day living. As I’ve been looking further into this, I will be updating my list with the following point: I have swapped EQUILIBRIUM for SELF-HONESTY as I see EQUILIBRIUM being more of an end-result, where as self-honesty is a very important key when it comes to living something that IS here, but that one isn’t living, because that can only mean one thing: that one is deceiving oneself in one way or another.

FOUNDATION

The foundation here is the starting-point of why I am doing this (in this case the process of establishing stability), which is something that I see I need as an anchor to not exactly lose myself in the ‘ocean of emotion’. As something that really speaks to my particular mind and setup, my foundation here is the fact that emotions has done anything but set me free, and to truly be free, I need to be absolutely self-directed and self-created, on an individual as well as on a collective level.

As a practical way of establishing this foundation, I see it would be cool with a daily morning routine where I reconfirm/solidify my commitment to walk this process. It can be a text I place on the wall right when I get up that I then read out loud as I stretch and ground myself in the body, or after applying 5 minutes of directed breathing in awareness.

CONSISTENCY

To stay able, consistency in application is necessary. A tree that has its roots planted in the ground, in a solid foundation must be consistent in how it grows. Consistency has for me been a word I have particularly struggled with, which I also see is related to the point of emotion, since following emotion (for example desires) is what leads me to break my consistency of application. Consistency is therefore something I see I have to apply on a constant basis. It isn’t something I see that I can do exercises to maintain and it is also a word I see I need to work with more to establish a foundation within.

INTEGRITY

In my friend’s writing about stability, she used integrity within the context of ‘inner grit’ to push herself to remain stable. I also see it as a point of self-respect; being able to trust myself to do as I say. It is also what will determine whether I am consistent or not and as such, whether I will remain standing/staying able.

BALANCE

For a tree to stand able, firmly in the ground, it needs to be in balance. It needs to grow and develop in a balanced way, because otherwise it is likely to tumble due to heavy winds or others forces knocking it down. We had an apple tree recently break a huge branch off its trunk because it had gotten too heavy and we hadn’t sufficiently trimmed the tree in advance. If I as a landscaper am going to tend the tree that is my body/being/mind, I need to support myself to remain balanced. In the context of my emotions, it means that I need to ‘trim’ the aspects of me that are weighing me down and the way to do that is through applying the tools of self-forgiveness, breathing and self-corrective application.

FLEXIBILITY

Exactly as a tree needs balance, it also needs a certain amount of flexibility. A tree stands outside in rain and snow and heavy winds, and it needs to be able to bend itself to the environment, just enough for it not to lose its foundation and grounding within the earth. This means that there is a certain elasticity in the tree. It can’t be stiff and resisting the influences of its environment, but needs both balance and flexibility to remain stable. This is an interesting point, because in relation to emotions, what I see is that I can’t go around making rules and regulations for myself where I judge myself or blame myself. I also see that I have to deal with resistance in this context and learning how to embrace emotions from the perspective of not accepting and allowing them to move me, but at the same time not resisting or suppressing them.

SELF-HONESTY

Self-honesty is probably one of the most important ‘support’ words in this context, but also in the context of living words in general. I see it as being relevant both when becoming emotional and reacting and I might deny the fact that I am reacting, or even admit it but want to hold onto it anyways. It is also especially important in the moment where urges come up and I use thoughts to manipulate myself to justify following the urges. An example could be the urge for a food that I know isn’t supportive to my body, and I speak to myself in the thoughts and make it ‘ok’ to do – even though I know it is not. Here I need to be able to call my own bullshit.

Finally, it has been suggested to not try to work with ALL dimensions of a word in all aspects of one’s life but to rather start working with it in relation to a specific aspect. To me at the moment, the most important dimension has to do with emotions, both becoming emotional as well as accepting and allowing myself to be directed by ‘urges’.

I basically need to have an inner ‘support system’ in place for when I enter those moments where I tend to give myself over to the mind and allow the mind to take over my body. The specific situations I see where this is particularly relevant are A) in relation to other people, because that is when I mostly would have emotional reactions and B) in relation to how I move within the mind, where I literally manipulate myself through the mind to become emotional through first of all allowing thinking and secondly allowing myself to believe the thoughts. C) Having an ‘urge’ and using thoughts to manipulate myself to follow the urge. This however is something that I see I need to work more with in writings.

For now, I will work with establishing stability in relation to becoming emotional – something that prevents me from staying/standing able (STABLE).

More to come…

Living the Word STABLE. DAY 387

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STABLEIf there is a word I wouldn’t often use about myself, it is the word STABLE. Ironically however, when I look at certain aspects of myself and my life there are moments of stability, moments where I am stable. I water my plants regularly every week. When I work with children, I immediately assume a deliberate inner stability because I know how much we as adults can influence children, also through that which isn’t spoken or obvious. So it is not to say that my entire being, body and mind don’t know what stability is in any form or fashion.

When I however look at the general pace and process of my life, it has exactly been signified by being unstable, both through the circumstances I was born into and brought up in and through the way my mind has worked, particularly with being emotional and using emotions as a navigation and self-identification system. So when I look at the word stable, I look at it as a word that I am generally inferior to, as something that I am not, but that I look up to, and would like to be.

The word STABLE is part of my Beingness signature recording that I mentioned in my previous blog, and as such, it is a word that is an essential/inherent part of my being that I am thus not fully embracing/expressing/living. I will therefore here explore my relationship to the word stable and how I can implement it into my life as a Living Word.

Dictionary definition.

sta·ble 1
(stā′bəl)
adj. sta·bler, sta·blest
1.
a. Resistant to change of position or condition; not easily moved or disturbed: a house built on stable ground; a stable platform.
b. Not subject to sudden or extreme change or fluctuation: a stable economy; a stable currency.
c. Maintaining equilibrium; self-restoring: a stable aircraft.
2. Enduring or permanent: a stable peace.
3.
a. Consistent or dependable: She has been stable in her support for the project.
b. Not showing or marked by erratic or volatile emotions or behavior: He remained stable even after he lost his job.
4. Physics Having no known mode of decay; indefinitely long-lived. Used of atomic particles.
5. Chemistry Not easily decomposed or otherwise modified chemically.

Etymological origin

stable (n.)
early 13c., “building or enclosure where horses or cows are kept, building for domestic animals,” from Old French stable, estable “a stable, stall” (Modern French étable), also applied to cowsheds and pigsties, from Latin stabulum “a stall, fold, aviary, beehive, lowly cottage, brothel, etc.,” literally “a standing place,” from PIE *ste-dhlo-, suffixed form of root *stā- “to stand” (see stet).

Meaning “collection of horses belonging to one stable” is attested from 1570s; transferred sense of “group of fighters under same management” is from 1897; that of “group of prostitutes working for the same employer” is from 1937.
For what the grete Stiede
Is stole, thanne he taketh hiede,
And makth the stable dore fast.
[John Gower, “Confessio Amantis,” 1390]
stable (adj.)
mid-12c., “trustworthy, reliable;” mid-13c., “constant, steadfast; virtuous;” from Old French stable, estable “constant, steadfast, unchanging,” from Latin stabilis “firm, steadfast, stable, fixed,” figuratively “durable, unwavering,” literally “able to stand,” from PIE *ste-dhli-, from root *stā- “to stand” (see stet). From c. 1300 as “well-founded, well-established, secure” (of governments, etc.). Physical sense of “secure against falling” is recorded from late 14c.; also “of even temperament.” Of nuclear isotopes, from 1904.

stet
direction to printer to disregard correction made to text, 1755, from Latin stet “let it stand,” third person singular present subjunctive of stare “to stand, stand upright, be stiff,” from PIE root *stā- “to stand, set down, make or be firm,” with derivatives meaning “place or thing that is standing” (source also of Sanskrit tisthati “stands;” Avestan histaiti “to stand;” Persian -stan “country,” literally “where one stands;” Greek histemi “put, place, cause to stand; weigh,” stasis “a standing still,” statos “placed,” stater “a weight, coin,” stylos “pillar;” Latin sistere “stand still, stop, make stand, place, produce in court,” status “manner, position, condition, attitude,” stare “to stand,” statio “station, post;” Lithuanian stojus “place myself,” statau “place;” Old Church Slavonic staja “place myself,” stanu “position;” Gothic standan, Old English standan “to stand,” stede “place,” steall “place where cattle are kept;” Old Norse steði “anvil,” stallr “pedestal for idols, altar;” German Stall “a stable;” Old Irish sessam “the act of standing”).

Sounding of the word STABLE

Standing-Able
Stay-Able
Stay-Bull
Stay-Bill
Stale-Ale
Stabile
Stabel – in Danish it means “to stack/stack on top of each other)
Staple
STA – in Scandinavian STÅ means “Stand/to stand”

Creative writing

If we look at the dictionary definition, the general understanding of STABLE is pretty much the same as the one I have, where the word specifically has to do with a person’s physical or mental health, though mostly with mental health, and as such refers to the mental state that one is in. This then also comes through in terms in for example biology where something stable is something that isn’t compromised/unpredictable/changeable.

The other side of the word, which also comes through in the etymological origin, is the more specific/practical side, of the word STABLE referring to the word STAND. Another interesting observation, is how the word literally refers to a physical stable as a “standing place” but even has connections to the word “stan” that in some languages means “place/land/country” (like AfghaniSTAN). But also “the act of standing” and “place I stand” are interesting in this context.

According to the dictionary’s definition of the word, let’s have a closer look at my relationship to/with the word STABLE

1.
a. Resistant to change of position or condition; not easily moved or disturbed: a house built on stable ground; a stable platform.

With the way my mind has developed and how I have developed my mind, I have throughout my life in some situations been easily moved and disturbed. For example through my relationships with other people where I have defined myself based on my perception of their judgment of me. This has caused me to change who I am to fit in for example. Another example is in relation to being emotional, which is probably the biggest source of instability I can think of.

b. Not subject to sudden or extreme change or fluctuation: a stable economy; a stable currency.

This I again see relating to emotion where instability comes from accepting and allowing emotions to take over and possess one’s body, mind and being. Interestingly enough I’ve also had an unstable relationships to money and economics

c. Maintaining equilibrium; self-restoring: a stable aircraft.

This point I see relates to one’s ability to stabilize after a moment of instability, where one has tools and resources available on a consistent level that one will initiate if one starts becoming unstable and so maintain or correct oneself to a level of equilibrium. In this case these tools are self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements, writing and breathing in awareness.

2. Enduring or permanent: a stable peace.

This is then the next phase of restoring equilibrium where one has specific ‘maintenance’ tools of prevention to ensure that one doesn’t become unstable again.

3.
a. Consistent or dependable: She has been stable in her support for the project.

This I see specifically relates to how my instability may cause ripple effects on other people around me and on my environment.

b. Not showing or marked by erratic or volatile emotions or behavior: He remained stable even after he lost his job.

This one is self-explanatory lol

4. Physics Having no known mode of decay; indefinitely long-lived. Used of atomic particles.

5. Chemistry Not easily decomposed or otherwise modified chemically.

So these two are really interesting because they also refers to how mental instability affects the physical body and how stability on a mental level supports us to remain stable physically as well.

A friend of mine later shared her redefinition of the word STABLE which I also found very supportive:

“What I found was the word s-table – so for practical purposes I have placed a picture within that word of a table, the four legs equally balancing the top planted in the earth. So to be stable is like standing as a table, solid and balanced because if you hit it on any sides it can not be moved within it’s shape, it moves as a solid piece yes, but it always remains a table solid on the ground. Next I have placed within this word, the word courage – as core gauge to look within myself and who am I in my core? I like to check where I stand within myself, my core, as this supports with understanding if I am indeed standing stable or in reaction/movement. If I see movement, I support myself with moving into the word courage to support to stand within self honesty and what is best and change in that moment, so it’s like a check in of sorts. I also placed the word integrity within the word stable as well, here I have redefined this word as internal grit = integrity, like in situations where I need to stand stable, who am I in my internal grit – am I willing to grind the point to change, is a cool reference to access the point of ‘who will I be?’ do I react or do I stand (s)table through accessing my core – gauge = courage to live what is best for all, be the example, and do my best.”

I very much like her table analogy and completely understand it and see the value of it, like how the way the table is designed support it to remain standing because it is in equilibrium and also how she incorporates other words into a word – I haven’t played with that yet. Because for instance, I see that it would be cool for me to incorporate consistency into how I live stability.

What mind friend did which is so cool is that she doesn’t just work with the word in a superficial/pretend-like way, where one kind of things that just redefining the word will sort itself out like magic lol (I’ve done that in the past). But where she actually looks at where her ‘mental weaknesses’ are, also in relation to living a word effectively – and where she’ll then need support-words to assist her to actually fully live that word.

It is very cool as well to practically support yourself in moments of instability, for example through applying a specific supportive image or word. I also see that the only source of instability really is to be emotional – because emotions MOVE – whereas it is like thoughts are more one-dimensional/static.

I am realizing that the whole point of instability comes down to my relationship with emotions and how I have allowed emotions to literally envelop me. I have been very loyal to emotions throughout my life, blindly following them wherever they take me, defending them, protecting them, and emphasizing them.

This is what my friend wrote:

“When the emotions are moving in the moment of instability, there is like an imprint now of the words redefined as how I shared with the picture of the table, so I remember the whole point of what I wrote and redefined within this word, it brings up courage and also integrity, etc. as I expand within it, so these words become like networked or web to eventually be something in one moment I can see the whole network and transcend the instability into the new living words. I also practice these in not so intense times like always looking within myself can I live words here, what word can I live, does this word apply, if it’s a new word how can I redefine it and have it be supportive. Like the integrity word, I redefined rather recently, so it’s cool as it becomes more and more and practicing until the words become natural and I indeed live the word.”

I really like my friend’s perspective on courage and inner grit/integrity in relation to living the word STABLE. For myself I see that consistency would also be a cool word to focus on, so not just “how do I stand and keep standing?” but also “what/who do I stand as?”

What I find interesting about this exploration of the word STABLE is that it has so many connections to the word STAND. The most obvious and straightforward definition of the word I see so far is Standing Able, where it refers to how one in a situation remains able to direct oneself and the situation and stands through it, no matter what happens. Another dimension is the point of position of “where one stands”, where being stable is to “stand one’s ground”, stand with/up for oneself, which in the case of the mind means to not accept or allow oneself to be directed, controlled or pushed around by the mind.

So I kind of see two perspectives on STABLE where one has to do with a CURRENT state of being, being stable in the moment, where the other has more to do with a continuous stability, being stable over a longer period of time, as Still Standing Able or Staying Standing Able.

The image that I have, along with my friend’s image of the table, is an image of a tree. A tree stands within a solid foundation in the ground (GROUNDED) and because of that can be moved and swayed in its branches without being compromised. A tree thus isn’t stiff or inflexible, but can move to quite an extent because it has such a solid foundation. For me, I see what is so important here is therefore to focus on creating a solid foundation because that is from where stability comes from.

It is the same as with my friend’s image of the table. The table must be in equilibrium or things you place on it would fall off, as it would be wobbly and insecure. It is built through using specific measurements that ensures its stability.

Living the word STABLE for me right now is thus about STANDING ABLE and STAYING ABLE – like a tree stands and stays able to nurture itself despite of storms and snow falling on its branches, or like a table stands and stays able to carry what is placed on it through its balanced equilibrium. In my case it means standing and staying able to direct myself and my mind, to become the living principle of my being, body and mind, and to through this process, birth myself as life from the physical.

What I specifically see I have to work with to live the word stable are the words FOUNDATION, CONSISTENCY, INTEGRITY, BALANCE, FLEXIBIITY and EQUILIBRIUM.

In my next post, I will apply my friend’s method to create a network of words to support myself to live the word STABLE.

Thank you for reading!

Living the Word “ME”. DAY 386

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Living the word MEA couple of months ago, I got what is known as a “Beingness Signature” recording based on the drawing of my Beingness signature. The drawing is a symbol of my life and existence as a being and with it comes a recording that explains the symbols. It was a highly profound experience to get my drawing and recording and I can warmly recommend it.

In my recording I was given a series of words that represent me, words that are part of my ‘core being’ and that I am either, living or that I have suppressed or denied, and that when I redefine and start living them, will support me to expand myself more to live the essence of who I am as a being.

The word I will be working with in this writing is the word “ME”. When this word came up in my recording I was quite surprised and I did not quite understand how such a word could be significant, when it comes to defining who I am as a being. Looking at it now, I also see how I’ve held a slight negative association with the word “ME”, connecting it with selfishness and narcissism.

Looking at the word in the context of what I have been facing recently, and in my life as a whole however, I do also see a different depth to the word which has to do with recognizing and resonating with the core of myself, in essence, resonantly ‘knowing who I am’ and standing by myself in that recognition.

Interestingly enough, this is at the same time something that I have struggled with greatly in my life too, where I have accepted and allowed myself to accept a definition of ‘me’, of my relationship with myself and my life that is filtered in and through the mind, through myriads of ideas and beliefs about ‘who I am’.

Looking at the particular challenges and limitations that I have created for myself in this process and that continuously causes me to struggle, it specifically and exactly have to do with as who/how/what I have defined as ‘me’.

What I see is that I have made “ME” into a polarity between the “Right ME” and the “Wrong ME”. The right me is the ideal of who and what I believe and think I should/would/could/desire/wish to be and the wrong me is then the failing to achieve that, the falling from the pedestal of ideals in my mind. The ‘wrong’ me is thus a point of morality, of judging myself and creating rules and regulations for how I am supposed to achieve to become the ‘right’ me. (As I side-note I can here mention that I despise being morally policed by other people, probably because I do it so extensively to myself.) The two “ME’S” are thus existing interconnected, one existing only because of the other.

Looking back, I am not even sure if I started with existing as the right or the wrong me or whether I created them in conjunction with one another. I remember being a child and reacting a lot to being corrected by adults, experiencing myself as wrong. I also know that this theme of “wrong or right me” has been a distinct theme in my mother’s life and what her journey has been about has been about embracing ‘wrong me’ and allowing herself to live that without fear or guilt. For me, wrong me is not something I have seen myself as embracing but rather something to get away from, an inner ‘enemy’ aspect if you will.

How I deal with the wrong me and the right me in my daily life has been through a process of polarity where I either ‘go with the flow’ in the sense of just completely giving in to the mind and letting the mind take over, and within that finding solace in the ‘path of least resistance’ from the perspective of giving into my resistance and therefore experiencing life being easier and more comfortable, because I didn’t have to fight or make an effort. The opposite polarity of that have been moments where I put fire under my ass and in a fit of morality went into a state of “getting my shit together”, none of which has been particularly effective or supportive, again splitting myself into two polarity extremes.

It is like I only have two gears; full throttle or zombie mode and neither is getting me where I need to go.

Looking at the solution to this, I see that I need to “tune in, turn on and drop out” of the polarity game and actually embrace and merge these polarities and see how I can develop these weaknesses within me into strengths. How can I for example transform the ‘go with the flow’ tendency I have, from being undirected and random to being self-directed and specific? How can I turn my ‘full throttle’ mode into a supportive expression that doesn’t originate in fear and trying to compensate?

When discussing this with my husband, he said to me that I need to embrace the nothingness of “This is me”, that when I see something in/of myself, I do not attach anything to it, like judgments or emotions. When he said that I saw how I have come to define me as this ‘sticky’ word, and I’ll just stick anything to it, like “I am an emotional person” or “I am just not good enough” or “I don’t have very much will power” OR it can also be positive as in “I am very intelligent” or “I don’t have to do this thing because I am highly advanced.” It is kind of like getting a pimple on your cheek and going “OMG, I AM A PIMPLE” lol, where you basically take one part of your entire body and you define the entirety of you based on that.

Whatever it is, I have come to pin a lot of things onto “ME” and what it is doing is that I am being spun around and around until I have no idea who I am and just go with the flow of my immediate experiences and default strategies which are (conveniently so) coming from the mind, because that’s what I am used to.

The word No-Thingness reminded me of the saying we have around the word “thing” where we’ll say: “Oh don’t go making a thing out of it” or “At least that’s some-thing.” The word “thing” is in this context like me taking myself seriously and personal and taking everything I see about myself on face value as “Alright then, THAT is who I am. Period.” And by doing that I have trapped myself in all kinds of beliefs and limitations and time-loops of emotional suffering, because every time I for example have realized something ‘bad’ about myself, I go into a fit about it and go “this is who I am, this is who I am, this is who I am, oh god.” Instead of doing the opposite, of applying no-thingness and saying: “Right, what is this now? It is a part of me obviously and I created it surely and I’ve lived it, but the buck stops here. There is nothing that says that IT IS WHO I AM, that it is ME. And this goes for patterns I’ve lived my entire life, several lifetimes even.

So that leaves me with the question: If I am not all these ‘things’ that I have stuck onto myself and labeled as ‘ME’, then what am I? I once, during a spiritual session on psychedelic drugs had a profound experience where everything of me that wasn’t real, the personalities, the fears, the fakeness, all of it was stripped and what was left was the essence of me, the pure me, like all that existed in me was just me, only me. I am not sure how else to explain it, like ME is WHO I AM. That is what I can say. “ME” has nothing attached to it. It is everything that I ever have been, everything that I ever will be and nothing.

When I speak the word “ME” to myself, it has a grounding, soothing, intimate resonance, like coming home, embracing and accepting myself, seeing that Here I am and I accept me. Because the thing is that ME incorporate everything of me, everything I’ve ever done and said and by accepting that premise, by accepting that conglomerate, I also accept and embrace all the mistakes that I have done. I say to myself that despite all the shit I’ve done, I am still here. I still see me, I am still with me, I still stand by me, because I acknowledge and actively encourage that I as “ME” exist.

The next question is then: How will I live ME as a word that connects me/grounds me back in the essence of who I am, as ALL of what I am and STOP living me as a ‘sticky’ word to which I attach anything and everything of myself and take so personal?

One thing I can do is to watch out for those moments where I am busy defining myself, whether in writing, in speaking or in thinking for example through using the words “I am…” and especially also in moments where I become stuck and time loop in relation to a certain aspect of me (like the pimple example I shared before) because I now think that “OMG, THIS IS WHO I AM” and even solidify myself further into this particular aspect by accepting and insisting even on identifying myself as this aspect and making it a “thing” inside myself, something emotional and horrible and embarrassing mostly, something that cripples me and prevents me from living my potential and then spend all my time focusing on it being that, instead of focusing on supporting myself to change who I am and use supportive aspects of myself to do that. Another point is to remind myself of ALL that I am, see the totality of me (that I can see), the whole body instead of just the pimple on the chin.

What about/of ME do I have to change to live in a way that is supportive for myself?

I know I have to change my relationship with my body. In my process, this is a major point. And obviously, to not accept or allow myself to “go with the flow” of the mind, but to direct myself in awareness, in every moment. Interestingly enough, when I look at it this way, it becomes very simple.

Reacting to People Who Assume They are Automatically Right. DAY 385

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Superior authorityThere is a person in my world whom I have perceived and reacted to as always thinking that they are right, that their perspective is obviously correct at all times, and that they are going as far as seeing other people’s point of view as ridiculous and stupid, whenever they don’t agree with them. I have been struggling for a long time when having discussions with this person because I perceive – and react to them as being absolutist in assuming that their statements/perspectives are automatically right, no matter their level of expertise or experience with the subject.

So I have been looking at my reactions towards this and asked myself why I react so much to this, because in reality, it is not like I have to care. It is not like something bad happens to me just because someone else makes an absolute statement. The interesting thing however is that it feels that way to me, especially when discussing subjects that are ‘close to my heart’ towards which I may experience myself being more vulnerable and more protective.

An example could be that I say to this person that when I have a child I will co-sleep with my child as I see it as a natural thing to do and then the other person saying something like “Don’t do that. That’s not going to work at all. That’s just some hippie bullshit. I never did that with my children and they are all fine.”

In that moment, I am absolutely clear on my perspective because often times it will be something I have investigated and researched over a lengthy period of time, or I will simply have a different life experience with the point causing me to see things differently from this person.

In looking deeper at the experience that comes up within me when I discuss with this person, it is a feeling of them forcing their ‘reality’ on me, because they are saying (or what I am hearing them say) is “THIS IS THE TRUTH, and whatever perspective you have, it is just dumb and silly and how stupid can you be for ever considering something like that?”

I see where the person is coming from in for example being older than me and therefore coming from a different generation which has affected them in seeing the world a certain way, but I also see myself as having expanded from that into a new world-view while still being aware of the old world view that they hold, but it is entirely impossible for me to share this with them. This is definitely a generational issue and many older people have this issue towards those who are younger, which in fact means that they miss out on a lot by holding onto an idea of knowing more by default.

My current strategy is to get as quickly out of these discussions as possible, because I do not see any practical or constructive point with them and it makes me extremely uncomfortable to engage in, even for five minutes. I can sit and listen passively virtually without reacting, unless I perceive the other person is being demeaning towards people with a different perspective, but I cannot engage without reacting.

So in looking at this, I can see that the reaction stems from childhood and from the experience of being treated poorly and without respect by adults. There would be this general agreement and assumption that, because you are a kid, your perspectives are automatically naïve and unworthy to consider, and obviously in some instances they would be naïve, which shouldn’t really be something to mock or ridicule something over in the first place, but in other instances, I might actually see common sense and the adult might for instance be in a possession of anger, jealousy or in a certain belief-system and STILL they would call me out to be the stupid one whose perspectives didn’t matter.

This I found so horribly unjust and unfair and it frustrated me to a degree where I experienced physical pain because of it and I grew to despise and hate adults and see them as being lying, manipulative and untrustworthy and I stopped asking those (“silly, stupid’) questions and share my perspectives on things, which is a shame.

It is the same experience I have today where I see someone older than me assuming an automatic perception of authority despite sometimes coming from an extremely limited worldview, or even giving themselves the prerogative to make assumptions (that I more experience as commandments) about my life and how I conduct certain things in my life, as though because they automatically know better, they also have a right to interfere with my life decisions.

So as with all reactions, I had to also look at the question: “Where am I doing this in my own life?” Because if I was not reacting I could simply let it slide and assign it to this person being stuck in a self-perception of being an authority, like there is no one that says that I have to be affected by this or allow it to influence me in any way. At best, I could even assist and support the person to see what they are doing and maybe even start transforming their way of communicating with others.

But because I am reacting so strongly, it is showing me that what I am experiencing is not about the other person, but in fact about me. It exists in me. And one side of that is what I mentioned about being reminded about the power dynamics I experienced with adults growing up. The other side is the fact that I equally allow myself to live this ‘self-proclaimed authority figure’ and do so in a way that I suppress it to myself, because I know that it is not actually cool to do, as I have experienced the consequences of it as a child myself.

So how I have seen myself do this is for example towards my partner or in moments of reacting in superiority to other people for whatever reason (like making up reasons of seniority or maturity or whatever) in specific moments, and I have even seen myself go as far as to the point of being ridiculing towards another person, exactly as I have experienced this person being towards me.

It is so interesting to look at it from this other person’s perspective, because obviously it is a dimension of superiority, because the justification of treating another person this way, comes from an idea of being ‘way up there’ beyond them, untouchable, out of their league basically and thus also looking way down on the other person and seeing them as less than, thereby within this fuzzy logic concluding that “my perspectives are automatically ‘right’ or ‘superior’ and their perspectives are automatically ‘wrong’ or ‘inferior’.

When I have experienced myself being in this state, there is this like ‘watertight’ quality to it, from the perspective of it being absolutist in nature, of simply assuming that you are automatically right without even as much as questioning the points.

As such, having discussions with people in this state is in fact completely pointless and it isn’t in fact even a real discussion, because in a discussion one is open to listening and taking the other person’s perspective into consideration.
And as such, I do agree with my strategy of simply not engaging in these discussions and to only do so from the perspective of sharing myself unconditionally and supporting the other to see what they are accepting and allowing.

To get to a point of being able to do that, I will here walk a self-forgiveness process to release myself from the energies of reaction that has come up within me.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume a state of believing that I am automatically and by default ‘more right’ in relation to another person that I then believe to be automatically ‘more wrong’ due to an idea about myself as being more experienced, more knowing or intelligent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is physically impossible to ALWAYS and AUTOMATICALLY be right and that by assuming that this is so, not realize how much I miss out on that I could learn from other people and also how I compromise my relationship with them and compromise them by relating to them as though they are inferior and less than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not for a second question my authority within believing that I am right, because I have created an absolutist belief about who I am in relation to the other person based on comparison, elitism and the polarity of superiority and inferiority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself the prerogative to demean and ridicule another person based on the idea, belief and justification within me that I am superior to them and that they are wrong for being inferior and therefore I have a right and even an obligation to ‘educate’ them by teaching them what’s right, without realizing, caring about or considering how I am affecting them.

I forgive myself that I, as a child, accepted and allowed myself to feel desperate and frustrated and trapped within experiencing that I was being treated unjustly and unfairly by adults, that I couldn’t do anything about because they didn’t see me, but only saw an idea about me, related to an idea about themselves as being an adult, because there was a part of me that respected, honored and believed in their authority over me and therefore accepted that they were right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to respect, honor and believe in others having authority or seniority over me as an automatic default position, which is basically a static idea that has nothing to do with reality and as such, this assumption that some can have automatic authority is flawed which is what I saw as a child but experienced myself unable to do anything about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience that someone who assumes automatic authority over me by for example stating that their opinion about me or my life is automatically correct and that I am stupid for seeing it any other way, is taking something from me, and is threatening me, when in fact, since I am no longer a child and I have legal authority over myself (to a certain extent, but that’s another story), another’s opinion cannot affect or touch me unless I allow it to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate authority and responsibility for myself, by accepting the premise that another’s opinion can affect me and dictate to me what I should and shouldn’t do simply because I am used to others having authority over me and since childhood have accepted that it is a reality and fact that others can and will have absolute authority over me, even know I know instinctually that it is not physically possible

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience bitterness and blame towards the person who exerted authority on me within blaming them for how their behavior makes me feel, when it is in fact a decision I have made on my own, to create and accept that experience as real, instead of realizing that their behavior is habitual, and that they equally as I, have learned to behave this way from adults in their childhood

Self-Corrective Statement

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to react to another making an absolute statement within an opinion where I experience that feeling of being trapped and invaded upon, I stop and I breathe.

I realize that no one can exert authority on me in this context and that I don’t have to respond in any way to their opinion

I commit myself to push the point of seeing how I can support another to realize that they cannot make automatic assumptions about being right and to, if I see that I cannot support them, to simply walk away, not respond or just smile and nod as it is pointless to argue with someone who assumes that they are automatically right.

When and as I see that I, in conversations with another am making assumptions that I am automatically right, I stop and I breathe.

I realize that it is physically impossible for me to automatically be right and therefore that I can be missing out on so much by making this assumption, including creating consequences for another by treating them as inferior to me

I commit myself to humble myself and to remind myself of this whenever I experience myself as superior to another