So – I was recently made aware that I have a pattern of taking support for granted, to want the support, but then not follow through with the suggestions I am given, or only do them half-assed. In addition to this, I also tend to sometimes seek support from multiple sources in a superficial way. All of this has consequences for the people from whom I seek support from, and obviously for me as well. What I’ve realized is that this is a self-sabotage pattern that I’ve created to avoid having to come to a place where I have to integrate the support for real. It could be both psychological support and physiological support, but how I realized it was when I went to a physiotherapist and she started me on an exercise regime. I had so much resistance to it, but now because I am enrolled, and have no more excuses left, I can’t get out of it. And so I am in the exact place I have avoided getting to, by shopping for support and postponing the point of actually receiving the support.
Now I have to do the actual work, and I don’t want to. And it is such a significant point because it is showing me how I’ve been bullshitting myself (and others) claiming I want support, when in fact, I don’t. I’m realizing though that it goes even deeper, and that it has to do with a way in which I relate to others, where I don’t take them into consideration. It is often due to me being disconnected from myself/my own body/reality, and specifically also that I take on way too much than I can handle. I have started realizing that I tend to be kind of “air-headed” actually, and just say yes to anything and everything, while not having a steady grasp on any one thing. And so due to this pattern, I get other people involved, without first looking at whether I can commit to bringing them on board, and as such it ends up creating consequences in their lives, because I cancel appointments, or are not fully present at a meeting because my focus is elsewhere, and they feel like I don’t value them, because I don’t. This is something that makes me feel very ashamed, but I’m also glad that I am seeing it so clearly, finally. Because this is not who or what I want to be like. And I wouldn’t want anyone to be this way towards me. And ultimately, it has to do with the way I relate with myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to treat other people in my life as something that exists for me to use according to my need in the moment, and as such not in any way be considerate of the other person’s life, or their participation in or experience of our interaction
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to treat other people like props or extras in “my show” that is centered solely around me, and me alone, not seeing or realizing that I am part of an interconnected reality, and that everyone else has their own lives, and matter just as much as I do
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take people in my life for granted, who is offering to support me, to not take their support serious, but instead take it for granted, and see it in a superficial way as something that I don’t have to take seriously
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for taking others for granted and for seeing them as props in my life
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist in a superficial state, where most of my awareness is projected into the mind, where I exist as a self-image of myself that I have created to serve a purpose, like feeling good about myself and hiding the parts of me that I don’t want to be confronted with or admit are a part of me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to pretend like I want support, but then when it is given to me, to not at all take it serious or follow-through with the support I am given, because it was never my intention to follow through with it, as the whole purpose was to keep living as I am, while justifying it to myself through deceiving myself into believing that “I am changing.”
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create consequences in the lives of other people, when I pretend that I want their support, when I don’t really, and so go through the motions, but without ever being fully present in the moment, or follow through with the suggestions I am given
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a habit and pattern and a way of ‘relating’ where I use other people and take them for granted, and in no way take them or their life into consideration, as I see them primarily as “props” for me to use in whatever mind-game I got going on in the moment
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see other people as real, but to see them only as an extension of my mind, because there is a part of me that does not see or accept me as real, but it is living through mind-patterns and agendas according to various fears and desires that I allow to lead me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to play with and manipulate people for personal gain, because I saw that I could get something out of them, but without ever really intending to get to know them on a real level
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to treat others as though they are worthless to me, but not want them to notice and so keep pretending like I like them or like I’m listening to them, because there’s something I want from them, or that I find them useful for
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to waste other people’s time by pretending like I want their support when I do not, self-honestly
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel trapped as soon as I’ve agreed to receive support by someone, especially in a long-term setting, because I’m not consciously aware of my own self-deception scheme of pretending like I want support, and so have to find a to back out, or end up losing a lot of money, because I quit as soon as I’ve started
I commit myself to only seek out support when I’m actually ready to receive it and to appreciate the person supporting me, in a way I would have like to be treated myself
I commit myself to stop wasting other people’s time by pretending I want their support, when I self-honestly don’t
I commit myself to be self-honest about whether or not I truly want to be supported
I commit myself to stop pretending like I want support, to fool myself into believing that I’m changing when I’m clearly not
I commit myself to embrace myself in and as the part of me that do not want support, to stand face to face with this aspect of me, and understand that I am resisting changing and that it is something that can only happen through me pushing myself, little by little, even though I don’t feel like it.
I commit myself to respect the time of the person who is supporting me, through showing up on time for appointments and through committing to the exercises or instructions laid out and to be honest with the person if I for some reason cannot or won’t do them.