Wanting Support, Yet Not Being Willing to Change. 422

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So – I was recently made aware that I have a pattern of taking support for granted, to want the support, but then not follow through with the suggestions I am given, or only do them half-assed. In addition to this, I also tend to sometimes seek support from multiple sources in a superficial way. All of this has consequences for the people from whom I seek support from, and obviously for me as well. What I’ve realized is that this is a self-sabotage pattern that I’ve created to avoid having to come to a place where I have to integrate the support for real. It could be both psychological support and physiological support, but how I realized it was when I went to a physiotherapist and she started me on an exercise regime. I had so much resistance to it, but now because I am enrolled, and have no more excuses left, I can’t get out of it. And so I am in the exact place I have avoided getting to, by shopping for support and postponing the point of actually receiving the support.

Now I have to do the actual work, and I don’t want to. And it is such a significant point because it is showing me how I’ve been bullshitting myself (and others) claiming I want support, when in fact, I don’t. I’m realizing though that it goes even deeper, and that it has to do with a way in which I relate to others, where I don’t take them into consideration. It is often due to me being disconnected from myself/my own body/reality, and specifically also that I take on way too much than I can handle. I have started realizing that I tend to be kind of “air-headed” actually, and just say yes to anything and everything, while not having a steady grasp on any one thing. And so due to this pattern, I get other people involved, without first looking at whether I can commit to bringing them on board, and as such it ends up creating consequences in their lives, because I cancel appointments, or are not fully present at a meeting because my focus is elsewhere, and they feel like I don’t value them, because I don’t. This is something that makes me feel very ashamed, but I’m also glad that I am seeing it so clearly, finally. Because this is not who or what I want to be like. And I wouldn’t want anyone to be this way towards me. And ultimately, it has to do with the way I relate with myself.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to treat other people in my life as something that exists for me to use according to my need in the moment, and as such not in any way be considerate of the other person’s life, or their participation in or experience of our interaction

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to treat other people like props or extras in “my show” that is centered solely around me, and me alone, not seeing or realizing that I am part of an interconnected reality, and that everyone else has their own lives, and matter just as much as I do

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take people in my life for granted, who is offering to support me, to not take their support serious, but instead take it for granted, and see it in a superficial way as something that I don’t have to take seriously

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for taking others for granted and for seeing them as props in my life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist in a superficial state, where most of my awareness is projected into the mind, where I exist as a self-image of myself that I have created to serve a purpose, like feeling good about myself and hiding the parts of me that I don’t want to be confronted with or admit are a part of me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to pretend like I want support, but then when it is given to me, to not at all take it serious or follow-through with the support I am given, because it was never my intention to follow through with it, as the whole purpose was to keep living as I am, while justifying it to myself through deceiving myself into believing that “I am changing.”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create consequences in the lives of other people, when I pretend that I want their support, when I don’t really, and so go through the motions, but without ever being fully present in the moment, or follow through with the suggestions I am given

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a habit and pattern and a way of ‘relating’ where I use other people and take them for granted, and in no way take them or their life into consideration, as I see them primarily as “props” for me to use in whatever mind-game I got going on in the moment

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see other people as real, but to see them only as an extension of my mind, because there is a part of me that does not see or accept me as real, but it is living through mind-patterns and agendas according to various fears and desires that I allow to lead me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to play with and manipulate people for personal gain, because I saw that I could get something out of them, but without ever really intending to get to know them on a real level

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to treat others as though they are worthless to me, but not want them to notice and so keep pretending like I like them or like I’m listening to them, because there’s something I want from them, or that I find them useful for

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to waste other people’s time by pretending like I want their support when I do not, self-honestly

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel trapped as soon as I’ve agreed to receive support by someone, especially in a long-term setting, because I’m not consciously aware of my own self-deception scheme of pretending like I want support, and so have to find a to back out, or end up losing a lot of money, because I quit as soon as I’ve started

Self-Commitment statements

I commit myself to only seek out support when I’m actually ready to receive it and to appreciate the person supporting me, in a way I would have like to be treated myself

I commit myself to stop wasting other people’s time by pretending I want their support, when I self-honestly don’t

I commit myself to be self-honest about whether or not I truly want to be supported

I commit myself to stop pretending like I want support, to fool myself into believing that I’m changing when I’m clearly not

I commit myself to embrace myself in and as the part of me that do not want support, to stand face to face with this aspect of me, and understand that I am resisting changing and that it is something that can only happen through me pushing myself, little by little, even though I don’t feel like it.

I commit myself to respect the time of the person who is supporting me, through showing up on time for appointments and through committing to the exercises or instructions laid out and to be honest with the person if I for some reason cannot or won’t do them.

Paranoid People Pleaser. 421

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Ok so – being a paranoid people pleaser is something that recent circumstances is nudging me to look at.

What it looks like is for example me trying to please someone by interpreting their words and signals without actually asking them about it, often leading to misunderstandings, because I think I’m being considerate, when in fact I misinterpret them.

An example is that someone says something like “I need space” or “I don’t always feel like doing this” and I take that extremely seriously and interpret it as I now have to back off from contacting that person entirely “to give them space” or I now have to take over this task permanently. The paranoid aspect is a deep fear of being disliked, of being seen as too much, as clingy, needy, annoying or a bother. So in my paranoid mind, I must do everything I can to avoid ending up in a place where the other person could think even the slightest bit bad about me, so that I can stay in their good graces. The deeper fear is being cast aside, rejected, turned away, and the belief that’s adjecting is that I am worthless and not good enough, and therefore must be on my best behavior to not risk upsetting someone, because I fully expect them to cast me aside. This ties very well with what I wrote in my last post about aloneness and self-rejection, that if I have rejected and pushed myself aside, it is no wonder that I cling to relationships with other people for validation and care and love, because it’s the only place where I’m even likely to find it, although even that is unrealistic if I don’t love myself in the first place.

It is ironic too, because this point is showing its teeth right as I am deeply immersed in a process of standing alone, on my own two feet, and am pushing the point of showing myself love and care.

It is such an incredibly unpleasant experience, feeling slightly desperate and paranoid, and it makes me ashamed and embarrassed about myself, because I judge it as something only losers would experience. I see it as weak basically.

And it is interesting too, how I’ve been hiding this aspect of me from myself for so many years, and I’ve learned to kind of just cope and survive and somehow manage to create relationships still, but it has not been without massive mental effort on my part.

It has been coming up in relation to this new friend I’ve made, whom I like very much, and have deep respect and admiration for. The depth of my affection for this friend, has triggered me to go into a state of deep inferiority, where I worry that I am not good enough for them, or that they will cast me aside due to my insecurity and tendency to become slightly neurotic. So it kind of tailspins, and I then try to compensate for my apparent inferiority and to manage my fear of being rejected, by trying to be what I think they want me to be. Like act as if I’m ok with something I’m not ok with, be extremely accommodating and flexible to the point of being self-effacing.

So – the point is that my insecurity runs way deeper than I was aware of, and I have a deep anxiety in relation to my relationship with other people. I can’t even really explain where it all started, because I remember having this experience of insecurity even as a young child, in relation to the other children on the playground.

I was more preoccupied with the relationship structures and dynamics, than I was with the content of the interaction. I’ve always been like that. I find interactive dynamics deeply fascinating, and apparently deeply frightening too lol.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that, due to having rejected myself and deemed myself as unworthy, believe that I must compensate through being acutely perceptive of other people’s boundaries and needs, and through anticipating what they want and need and feel, prevent that they become dissatisfied, angry and disappointed with me, and cast me aside.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try to please others by trying to be as I think they want me to be, but base this purely on my perception and interpretation of them, that I assume is real, and as such not be considerate of them at all.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to trust and believe that what I perceive and interpret about another and what they need and want and feel is real and true, without question.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that they best way to get someone to like me and love me and attach themselves to me, is through being exactly what they want me to be, and through avoiding showing them aspects of myself that they might not agree with or find pleasing or acceptable – and as such place myself under great pressure.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be something I am not, in order to please others and have them want to be in a relationship with me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, when there’s someone I like, place myself into a position of inferiority, thinking that because they are so fantastic, I am not, and that I must prove myself worthy of their greatness in order for them to want to have a relationship with me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a skewed and unbalanced relationship with other people and what they mean to me, because I have annihilated and rejected myself to the extent where my only option for experiencing myself as valuable or worthy is through the good graces of other people, and even with that, because I have already rejected myself and dismissed myself as unworthy, I constantly expect other people to come to the same conclusion and therefore I treat myself as unworthy in my relationship with others, because it is all I know.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react strongly when someone sets a boundary towards me or share something in my behavior that they don’t like, where I immediately recoil and pull myself away and make an instant commitment to never do that thing again, even if they may have only meant it as a momentary thing, because I am so caught in the fear of being rejected and cast aside that I won’t dare pissing them off – and at the same time underneath, there’s a part of me that’s pissed at them for blocking me in this way

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame other people and hold them responsible for the relationship I create towards them, where I put myself under constant pressure to satisfy them and never piss them off, because it is exhausting and debilitating and limiting in so many ways, but because I apparently don’t exist or get a say, it must be the other person’s fault, even though this is all my very own self-creation

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can control the outcome of my relationships with other people by acting in the exact way that I think they want me to, and by never making mistakes or stepping out of line, by always being accommodating and flexible and nice, and always take it upon myself to be better and change if something isn’t working between us, not realizing that I’ve created my relationships out of fear, and on the basis of fear, and that this isn’t in any way the foundation to create a relationship upon

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear and subconsciously forbid myself from making demandments in a relationship, because I believe that I am in such a position of inferiority, being a bad person who’s only been lucky enough to be accepted into the relationship at the behest of the other person’s good graces, that I have no right to make any demands, and it is my job to rather be as accommodating as possible, to compensate for my apparent horribleness that the other person now have to keep up with.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become so flexible and so accommodating in relationships that I completely ignore my own needs and wants, only to then resent and blame the other person for making me be this way, when all along it was my own decision out of fear, and out of a belief that I am worthless.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel terribly scared and afraid that I have done something wrong whenever I do set a requirement or boundary in a relationship, because it feels like I am doing something that I’m not allowed to, that might risk the other person being angry with me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to do anything I can to avoid making others angry, disappointed or upset with me, by trying to be perfect and wonderful and accommodating and flexible, never even questioning what a relationship is worth, if one person is being fake and pretending like they’re something that they’re not.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I can avoid someone becoming angry, disappointed or upset with me, then I can avoid them leaving and abandoning me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to grow up with an experience of feeling unwanted, not prioritized and not worthy or important to the people around me, not realizing that other people’s actions does not reflect in any way on who I am, but on their own inadequacies and subsequent neglect; something I know too well in my own relationship with my child

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to let me define my entire being, and create my entire life’s relationships with other people, on the basis of believing that I am inherently unworthy, because adults in my childhood neglected me due to their own inadequecies, probably born out of them being neglected and not prioritized when they were kids.

Commitment statements

I realize that my worth is not contingent upon being in a relationship with others, or upon them deeming me worthy or important

I realize that my worth is not contingent upon whether others are upset or angry due to me having set a boundary for myself.

I commit myself to honor my worth by being self-honest about what I want to participate in and what not, and I commit myself to honor my worth by sharing my wants, needs and desires with those whom I wish to be in a relationship with.

I commit myself to push through the fear of setting boundaries for myself in my relationship with others and my fear of them leaving me if I say something that upset them.

Into The Alone, or The Journey of Coming Fully into my Weirdness. 420

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Throughout my life there has been a distinct theme of feeling alone vs. belonging to someone/something. And in many ways, this theme is now coming to the forefront in various ways in my life, where I find myself alone.

Why it is specifically relevant for me, is because I have created a life of self-rejection. I have rejected myself and so have sought everything I needed from outside myself: love, approval, safety, warmth, friendship, communication, support. I’ve sought it everywhere but the very place I needed to go to truly find it; myself.

And now it is like life is conspiring to make sure that I face this point once and for all, and for that I am grateful. I often wake up in the morning with a sad, melancholic experience that I relate to this aloneness. It is an experience of being untethered, and having no solid ground under me, provided by having the guidance and presence of others in my life previously.

So – I see how I’ve used others to anchor myself to, as I’ve felt untethered and unsafe in life. Inside of me, I am a very free being, with few limits, and I tend to be very ‘mental’, like I spend a lot of time in the mind, rather than grounded in physical reality, and so I’ve often felt and experienced that I don’t belong in this world, and certain not in this practical world lol where one has to do practical things in a certain order and organization. But I realize that I thrive when I am part of a structure, when there is a frame around me, and certainly when I focus on being more physically present.

But it has been a dilemma for me, because I have rejected myself. I’ve seen myself as a loser and as a bad person, because I struggle with simple every-day things that other people seem to handle easily.

I realize now that I am on my own, totally personal journey through this universe, through this time-line, that can not be compared or measured up against anyone else’s. And I realize that my problem mostly has to do with a) rejecting myself and reacting to myself and b) being out of balance.

Because who I am is essentially awesome lol. All I gotta do is to come fully into myself in a sustainable and supportive way, meaning that I’ve got to ground myself. I’ve got to be that for myself which I’ve sought in other people; stability, structure, belonging, support.

And then I also realize another thing, and that is that I am still immersed in a mind-based way of living that sees everything in a very linear, inflexible way. An example is the idea that you’re supposed to have reached a certain level in life by a certain age. But that is not real stability, or a real or supportive frame.

So a lot of this also has to do with creating a new, framework that is flexible enough to accommodate for the multidimensional nature of reality where everything constantly moves an changes.

And in this, I realize that I can shift my relationship from ‘other people’ to ‘everyone’, like when I see myself being a part of and in a relationship with everyone and everything that exists, I don’t feel alone anymore. But I can contextualize my aloneness as a necessary point in time that I need to be, in order to fulfill my part in this whole thing; to bring myself home to the whole.

I’ve felt such a desperation to “be a part of “, to “belong”, to be “connected”. Like, if I go for a physical treatment like a massage for instance, I am soaking it up and dreading the moment when it’s over. If I get a hug, I want the hug to continue, and then I want more hugs all the time. I have this weird relationship with life where I just so want to be in it, and yet I feel like its never enough. And I most certainly feel like I’m too much for other people lol.

And I can’t really explain it, but I see that the solution lies in surrendering myself to life as a whole – and actually, rather than receiving, being the one who gives all these things – but before I can give it to anyone else, I got to give it to myself.

I have such a deep passion and love for life, and for the journey that we’re all on here.

And so I see that I need to come fully into my weirdness lol, and bring all of me to the table, but it scares me to do so, because I’m still part of this world system, and I’m scared to be rejected, but even having to reject people and situations myself, in order to stand in full integrity with myself, truly living in the moment, and not holding myself to anything else besides the truth of who I am in this here moment. This is where I get scared of becoming too ‘liquid’, too flowy, too untethered. And this is where I have to stand totally and utterly alone. Because no one can walk this but me. I’m not even sure anyone else could understand this strange journey that I’m on, truly feeling like Alice going into a rabbit hole, yet everything still looks ‘normal’, and on the outside, nothing has changed. I still got to do dishes, go to work, take care of my kid.

And I’m at this point of having to step into it, not knowing where it will take me, and I resist and I hold on, and I don’t know exactly how I take this first step. But one thing is for sure, I’m going there, into the unknown, into the alone.

I’m sharing this because, despite me being on this journey alone, I’m not alone, and I know that there are others who may sit with a similar point. And so I’m sharing this as a point of support for you.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must and need to be in control of life, and in control of myself, and to exert this control by monitoring and managing myself on a mental level through constant analysis, because I fear that I am too free and too open to exist without being controlled and ultimately held down and held back so that I don’t float away

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to attempt to use the mind to create a stability and grounding/anchoring for me, because I had given up on and rejected myself, and deemed myself incapable of being the one who holds myself, as I interpreted myself through the matrix standards and found myself wanting, not realizing that my capacity and capability to hold myself, is at a physical level, and at a beingness level, which runs on totally different parameters, that isn’t necessarily in alignment with the matrix

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear creating and stepping into a trust of myself to guide and hold myself, because I knew that it would mean that I would step out of the rules of the matrix to some extent and that this would create consequences that wouldn’t necessarily be pleasant and that it would mean that I would risk ostracization and attacks.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself by not seeing or realizing that the fear of being ostracized by not following the rules of the Matrix and my mind, is a preprogrammed firewall existing to ensure that we as human beings don’t step out of line and become self-directed

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to force myself to follow rules of the matrix and my mind, out of fear of being bad and doing something wrong, and being told that I am bad, even if it compromises my integrity and self-honesty and me and my body’s well-being.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to seek stability, support, love, compassion, warmth, safety and belonging in the arms of other people only, because I had totally and completely rejected myself, not even considering that it would ever be possible for me to give that to myself, as I saw myself as nothing, as something that is so bad that all hope it has is to by the good graces of other people, and by being in service to them, be allowed in.

I commit myself to develop ways to hold myself and create stability in my life and for myself.
I commit myself to stop depending on other people to give to me, what I haven’t yet given to myself, and rather focus on learning how to give that to myself.
I commit myself to embrace this journey of aloneness as a beautiful and gracious thing.

More to come when the moment allows.

What People-Pleasing my 3-year-old is Teaching me about Self-Respect. 419

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As all other 3 year olds with respect for themselves, my girl can be a demanding little one. Without shame she’ll call out “Mom, food, now!!” Or “I want ice cream!!!” She doesn’t do it in a negative/aggressive way either. It’s simply matter of fact. “I want this and I want it NOW!”

For me, as a recovering people-pleaser, being the mother of a 3 year old can be a challenge to say the least. So for a long time I’ve been examining what happens inside of me, and this is what I’ve found:

Inside myself, I’ve created the subconscious rule that I’m not allowed to say no, to anyone, that saying no is bad, and that I must do everything in my power to fulfill someone’s wishes, if they ask me to do something for them.

So let’s say that I’m busy cooking, standing in front of the stove, immersed in an activity that requires my attention and focus. Now – in this very moment, my child will start demanding things from me. “This thing is broken, fix it!” or “I don’t want this movie, I want a different one” “put new batteries in this thing!”

Here comes the moment where I experience an internal conflict and rift which actually causes me to be much more stressed out than is necessary. I feel an obligation to do what she asks of me, as per the rule I mentioned above, because there is a part of me that believes being a good mother is about always being available and at service to your child.

But I’m busy cooking. I don’t want to leave it. And maybe this is also the first moment throughout the entire day that I’ve had to myself, to be with myself for even 5-10 minutes, to connect with myself and center myself inside.

But because I have colliding interests, and because this rule is so strong inside me, I tend to either do what my child wants, in the hope that this will by me some time later (which it usually doesn’t because 5 minutes later, she’ll want something else from me) OR I will react and become irritated and be short fused with her, and end up feeling terribly guilty afterwards.

I’ve been practicing saying no more, to be more strict, and I’ve always been very direct and open about how I feel, but it feels so taboo to say no, and I’m sure that I sometimes cross the threshold and go to the opposite end of the spectrum and say too much no, unnecessarily.

Being a people pleaser has been a problem for me for years. That and the fact that I have a heightened sense of perception will often send me into a tailspin of worrying about other people and how they’ll react to me.

Lately I’ve also been looking at why I’m so concerned about people saying yes to do things for me without really wanting to, fearing for them to become irritated with me later. And obviously it is because I fear them doing to me what I’ve been doing for years.

Ever so often I’ll say yes, only to end up resentful and feeling compromised, blaming the other person for making me feel this way. Or I’ll try to stand my ground and express my wishes, though being so vague about it, that most often, it doesn’t translate into something the other person will understand. Or when its been really bad, I’d try to emotionally manipulate people to get what I want, through for example making them feel guilty or indebted to me.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to let an emotion of panic, dread and desperation to exist within me, when my child asks me for something in a situation where I’m preoccupied with something else

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create the subconscious rule inside of me that if someone wants something from me, or demands something of me, then I have to give it to them, and do everything in my power to satisfy them

Forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react with a surge of panic, stress, desperation and frustration when my child asks me for something, and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be sensitive to the demands of others, where I feel a pressure to be of service as soon as someone demands something of me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to subconsciously think and believe that it is my responsibility to make sure that my child is happy and content at all times, and that it’s my responsibility and fault if she’s in any way unsatisfied or unhappy and that this is a horrible thing that I must avoid at all costs

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience myself running around like a headless chicken or a waiter at a busy restaurant, trying to constantly satisfy my child’s wants, needs and demands

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define my own experience of myself based on how well I’m able to satisfy my child’s wants, needs and demands and in affect “keep her happy” and as such feel good and on top of the world when I feel like I’m a good mother, and conversely feel like utter shit, when I feel like I can’t satisfy her

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become bitter and resentful and project this towards my child, in blaming her for my conflicted inner experience, believing that it is her fault for being so demanding and feeling sorry for myself that I’m being treated this way, as though she’s the one in power and I’m a victim of her evil ways

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel bothered and frustrated that I now have someone else in my life, whose needs come before mine, and who I therefore believe that I must constantly answer to, and be at their beg and call, not realizing that simply because I have a child that needs me, doesn’t mean that I can’t or shouldn’t set my own boundaries, when applicable

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that “I never have a moment to myself”, feeling frustrated every time I am busy with something, and my child interrupts me, because there is still a part of me that expects live to be as it was before I had a child.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not fully, and unconditionally accept the fact that my life has irrevocably been changed since having a child, and that there will be many situations where I will have to place my child’s needs first, but also that there will be moments and increments where I’ll have time to myself, and that it is up to me to make sure that I value those moments as precious.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that my child is irritating when in fact, she is simply living and expressing herself and very often enjoying my company and wanting to be with me, and as such my experience of irritation is really not about her, but about me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not fully and unconditionally accept and embrace that my life has changed and that I can’t expect a small child to let me go on living as I was before

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not question my own presence in the moment, and whether the state of being that I’m comfortable with and would like to return to, is actually best for all and so best for me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my child is indirectly helping me to step out of my mind and be present in my physical reality AND with learning how to be specific, direct and clear about my time and my boundaries

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see my child as rude and demanding, when she in fact is simply expressing herself unapologetically, stating what she wants, when she wants it, not realizing that for her to learn how to respect my and other people’s boundaries, is something she’ll learn through me actually respecting myself and showing up for myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in a subconscious belief that I must always please others, to avoid them becoming angry or upset with me, because if they get angry or upset with me, that’ll directly affect who I am, not realizing that who I am, is not defined by or dependent on how others react to me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist as a slave to my own fear and desire to be accepted by others, because I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to others reactions to me

Self-Correction

When and as my child calls out for me, and wants something from me, and I feel that surge of urgency and pressure inside me, I stop and I breathe. I remain stable within my own experience of and as myself

When and as I feel constricted and anxious and desperate inside myself when my child is speaking to me or asking me of something, I stop and I breathe. I allow myself to give myself a moment to consider whether I see sense in carrying out her request or whether it would indeed compromise me in some way, according to which I will then abide or respectfully tell her no

I commit myself to be clear, specific and direct with my child, to not compromise my integrity to satisfy her, and so end up becoming bitter with her

I commit myself to place focus and emphasis on regulating myself on the inside rather than focusing on trying to regulate my child on the outside, in an attempt to regulate myself on the inside

I commit myself to learn from my child’s unapologetic expression and let it be known what I want and what I don’t want, clearly and precisely, without fear of how others might react.

Life as A Loser’s Game. 418

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I have had two dreams within days of each other in which the theme is me being a loser basically.

In the first dream, I was with my family and I was playing the role of being codependent, weak and unable to do things for myself. Both my family and myself accepted that this was who I was.

In the second dream, I was with two colleagues/friends, and they rejected me from leading a project without reason, which sent me crying my eyes out, but we all knew that it was because I was a loser. In this dream, I was not ok with not being given a leadership position. I couldn’t understand why, but then instead of speaking up for myself, I just started crying and basically confirmed why they didn’t pick me.

I had both of these dreams right after I started my #PreciousProject which is basically a process I’m walking towards accepting myself as precious, to value my time, my resources, my skills and my body.

So it’s kind of like my subconscious is sending me a signal that there is an undercurrent inner mess I need to clean up, where there is a deep part of me that still sees and experiences myself as a loser.

In both dreams I also felt like an outsider looking in. It was like my family was a unit and my colleagues were a unit, and I was the third wheel who wasn’t supposed to be there.

In many ways, this is the story of my life. I’ve always felt like an outsider. I have an ambivalent relationship with groups. On one hand, it is where I thrive the best, being part of a group, yet on the other hand, it’s also where I’ve felt the most alone.

I’ve been in and out of contexts. I’ve been a leader on projects, and I’ve been a follower. I’ve successfully been part of groups, which is something I never thought was possible as a child and teenager when I felt so extremely different.

I’ve started to see that my difference is one of my biggest strengths. Ironically, my detachment from the system is also what allows me to connect with people on a deeper level.

So there’s an element of embracing my differenceness, and then there’s an element of forgiving my seeing it as something wrong and bad, and then there’s also an element of deliberately making myself an outsider to retain my freedom, and because I’m afraid of being rejected if I truly allowing myself to be part of it.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as a loser, as someone who’s weak and therefore is codependent on others to take care of me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see and judge codependence as being a part thing, while honoring independence as the ultimate goal, instead of considering that we need each other in this world, that I can’t do everything on my own, and that I will need people to support me, who are skilled in areas where I am not

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be codependent in a way of being resigned of my own self-responsibility of myself and to merely let others and the context of existing that I’ve tacitly accepted direct and define me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to tacitly accept that I am a loser, that I am weak, and that I cannot expand beyond my limited existence of being codependent on others in a limiting way

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see, experience and accept myself as a fuckup, a loser and an outsider within my family, and to think and believe and accept that I will always have this role, that it is a part of who I am, instead of realizing and accepting that it is a role that I’ve been playing, because that’s how I’ve come to accept myself, yet it is not all that I am or the totality of my being

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that being an outsider, and being different is automatically the same as being a loser, because I don’t follow societal rules and because I don’t pursue a career or a particular lifestyle, and because I have spent a long time fucking around doing nothing of value

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to enjoy being a loser and a fuckup, that I want to have this title and play this role, because I see it as honorable in an anti-hero kind of way, and because I believe it allows me to be free from pressure and expectations, and because it lets me hide from the world

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be proud of being an outsider because it makes me feel special and different and like I’m more than others who I judge and see as conformists and followers who aren’t as interesting as me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to love defining myself as an outsider, because it lets me stay in safe distance of other people, where I can look in, but not be part of their groups, and risk ostracization and exposure

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that being a loser, a fuckup and an outsider is a role that I’ve been playing, and that I’ve imposed upon myself, due to a reaction to my differenceness AND as survival-protection mechanism, that it has never really been who I am in fact, and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to harm myself, through limiting myself and judging myself and sticking myself into this box of being a loser, and accordingly define myself and my reality based on that.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept that I am a fuckup who will never amount to anything, that I am a loser who doesn’t have the capacity or witt to do something of value, that I am weak and incapable of doing important things, and that I therefore need other people to carry the weight of me through life, not realizing how I am in fact an incredibly independent person, but due to this definition and judgment of myself, I don’t allow myself to rely on other people, because I fear being a loser, and I rely on them too much in certain situations, where I could have actually stood up for myself, but I believe and accept that I can’t, because I believe that I’m too weak and too much of a fuckup

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not to realize that I’ve built my life upon self-rejection, upon believing that I cannot and shouldn’t trust myself or rely on myself, because I see and accept myself as a loser and a fuckup

I forgive myself that I consistently see myself through the lens of judging myself as being a loser, whenever do something that I’m not satisfied with, cementing my loser-status by thinking and believing and accepting that “this is typical me, this is just who I am. Why can’t I change?”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to enjoy seeing myself as a loser, because my self-judgment gives me a perverted sense of satisfaction, and makes me feel better about making mistakes or doing things that I consider to be bad, because then I am at least punishing myself and not being a slacker about being a slacker.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to enjoy seeing myself as a loser, because it means that I have a justification for never expecting more of myself than the standard that I’m already upholding, which means that I won’t let people down, and then they don’t have a reason to reject me or get angry with me or hate me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold onto a positive energetic experience towards defining, seeing and experiencing myself as an ‘underdog’, actually fearing to be a powerful being, because I have conversely defined, seen and experiencing being a powerful being as something negative.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold myself in a self-definition of being a loser, both internally and in some ways externally, because it makes me feel free from obligations and from risking letting other people down

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold myself to a standard of being a loser, and thereby depend on others, because I fear stepping fully into my own power, owning myself, carrying myself and my life, because I fear that I won’t be able to have others in my life, that they will reject me and that I will ultimately be alone and without support unless I need other people

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a narrative inside myself where I believe that others are keeping me on the outside because I am a loser and inherently wrong, when the fact of the matter is that I’m the one who’s kept myself on the outside, deliberately, because I wanted to, and who have thus kept others on the outside of me, not letting them in, or truly giving them a chance to get to know me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately martyr and belittle myself just so that I don’t take the risk of standing fully in my value and worth and risk being torn down by others and losing what I manifest, so that I’d rather remain small and unfulfilled because I believe it to be the safer choice

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to shower myself with misguided love and self-care through ensuring that I stay small as a safety measure against fear of loss and disappointment

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel safer having nothing, because as soon as I have or am ‘something’ I fear losing it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not to realize that in lfe, things constantly move and shift and that its not possible to hang onto things either way, no matter how hard I try to protect myself from fear of failure and loss

Self-Correction

I thank myself for wanting to protect myself by making sure that I always remain small, through reminding myself that I am weak, that I am a loser and a coward without a backbone, so that I don’t risk expecting more of myself or for others to expect more of me, only to be disappointed when I fail, thereby risking people being upset and unsatisfied with me and risk losing people and a life I’ve created

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to talk myself small, either externally or inside my head, confirming that “this is who I am”, I stop and I breathe. I remind myself that this is a defense mechanism that I’ve created due to fear of loss, and that its useless because nothing is permanent anyways, and so I commit myself to let go of that which I’m trying to hold onto and control and instead let life flow freely through me, and allow myself to take part and gift myself to the world unconditionally

I commit myself to stand by my greatness as a unique being, and to honor who I am, without making myself smaller as a security measure.

Photo by Aarón Blanco Tejedor on Unsplash

Living with Being, Body AND Mind. 417

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I am deep in a very personal process, which I am walking predominantly alone. I feel like my entire life and process is coming to a singular hyper-focus, which is so personal and so unique to me, that I wouldn’t know how to share it with anyone. It’s like moving reversely into a birthing canal, immersing myself in more and more internal darkness, getting to the core.

It’s a very strange place for someone like me to be, who otherwise loves nothing more than to share myself with others.

It’s an intense process and I haven’t taken a lot of time to sit down and reflect on it, so I decided to do that now, as I see that I’m not fully grounded in what’s going on.

So – I’m exploring something that’s very mind-based, but nonetheless is something that I feel a deep need to walk through, as a form of catharsis, release and merging of all parts of me, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

That’s really what all this is about, to embrace all parts of me, and not just the ones that are socially acceptable or that I personally like.

It’s a strange experience to walk with awareness into something that’s mind-based, and I can feel that there are moments where I slip away and I sort of lose myself completely to the energy, and I frankly don’t know if it is possible to participate in something mind-based, and not get caught up in the energy. So that’s what I am exploring.

Meanwhile, I have been postponing writing, self-forgiveness and focusing on my body. Ironically, I’m probably more healthy right now, than what I’ve ever been, so it’s definitely moving in the right direction, but I also feel a lack of grounding, like I am not anchored to the ground, but am in a floaty state, which in itself, is not comfortable, and it causes me to miss moments and compromise points.

So – I’m looking here at moving myself in a grounded, connected way, where I am in contact with my beingness awareness, at the same time as I am exploring this new point. And in all likelihood, this mind-based point is not something that will live on with me, but it’s lessons will be integrated as a part of me, and I’m grateful that I have the courage to walk it.

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise things in my physical reality to participate in a mind-based point

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to without question believe and accept that to participate in a mind-based point, I have to give myself over to it, and can no longer direct myself in a grounded way with awareness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that you either participate in the mind, or you direct yourself as awareness, that it is not possible to live WITH the mind THROUGH/AS awareness, and as such, because I’m exploring a mind-based point, I haphazardly gave myself over to it, instead of exploring how its possible to walk this point WITH awareness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I would focus on grounding myself, or slow down and look at this mind-based point in awareness, that I would not want or be able to participate in it anymore, and as such I feared losing it, and instead sabotaged by myself by avoiding grounding myself in awareness IN/AS this point

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself, my body and relationships in my physical reality, because I was fearing to lose my mind point, and didn’t want to let it go

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my mind point only because it is something I’ve suppressed for so long and have denied myself access to, and as such I feel starving for it, and desperate for what would happen if I had to shut it down again, not realizing that the point is not to lose it or to let it go, but to let it fully become a part of me, integrated in me, as me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my mind point, because I know instinctively that a part of my being is channeled into this mind point, but I don’t know how to transfer it from being fully a mind point to being a being awareness point, and that is thus what I am exploring right now.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have created and that I still participate in an automated a deep self-distrust and self-judgment, where I am always suspicious to my own motives, and I always expect myself to do something wrong, thus not realizing, honoring or celebrating the fact that I have come a very long way, and that I do in fact trust myself to walk through this

SELF-COMMITMENT

I commit myself to find a way to explore this mind point, without losing myself in it.

I commit myself to stop compromising points and relationships in my physical reality in order to live with mind-point.

I commit myself to check in with myself throughout the day, and if needed, create a structure for when I get to participate in this mind-point, so that I make sure that I direct it and not me.

I commit myself to create a container in which I can explore this mind point, without losing myself in it, and to walk it with awareness.

I commit myself to trust myself to walk through this.

From Fear of Making Money to Embracing Money as a Part of Me. 416

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Money blocksI am busy developing my own business, and something that keeps tripping me up, like small roadblocks on the road, is the way I feel about money. So I am going to start writing about my relationship with money, so that I can take responsibility for, and release these blocks, and drive myself steadily into the future.

One of the blocks that I see right now, that is preventing me from moving forward, is that I’ve created the following belief:

You cannot be genuine/real/move from the heart while you’re making money. Making money is about scheming people into giving you their hard earned money, undeserved.

How this is hindering me, is that everything I start looking at or shifting my focus of my services into being that of earning money, these scheming thoughts comes up within me, and I cut off my connection with my heart and my realness, which is what my whole service is based on, and which is also what my goal is to ask people to pay me for, essentially.

So, every time I try to turn what I do into a business, I sabotage it for myself, because I believe that a ‘money mindset’ necessitates an outlook on potential ‘clients’ as ‘targets’ that I’m supposed to scheme into giving me their money.

It is all rather absurd, because I frankly see and feel that I have something substantial to give to the world, and I also see that the world ought to support me financially, because what I have to give is highly valuable, and so in essence, I wouldn’t be scheming people, as that would mean selling them something that isn’t worth the money I ask them to pay, which is not what I’m about. But because I have this belief that this is what selling means, I keep tripping myself up going into this state of mind.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that making money is about scheming people, and thus that making money is essentially an abusive and evil act, not realizing or considering that I’ve been making money all my life, in one way or another, only not for myself, but in representation of something/someone else, and my goal, besides supporting myself, has always been to be of service, to take co-responsibility for the reality that I am in, and help people move through whatever they need to move through to be the best they can be.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not consider, realize or accept the fact that as a co-creator of this world, I have the capacity and power to define what money means to me, and the role that I want money to have in my life, and as such, even though money right now is being earned through deceit and abuse in this world, I can change who I am in relation to money, and thus what money is in relation to me, as a directive creative decision.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold onto a memory from when I was about 9-10 years old, where my mother took me to a shop to buy clothes, and I experienced the shopkeeper as extremely fake and I felt so uncomfortable by the entire situation, that I just wanted to get out of there, this experience cemented within me a deep resentment towards situations where shopkeepers that tries to approach me in a similar way, and a decision that “If this is what making money looks like, I want no part of it.”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have created a positive self-identification narrative as a contrast to me rejecting being a part of making money, where I feel good about myself and proud of myself for “standing up to the man,” when the fact of the matter is that yes, this woman was fake, but she was merely doing her job, which she could’ve done in a non-deceitful way, had she been genuine, and as such the problem doesn’t have to do with earning money itself, but about not wanting to be fake/deceitful.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear asking others for money, because it feels like I am taking something from them, not realizing that I am giving them something of immense value, which I wouldn’t be able to do for very long without them giving me money, so I can survive, and not realizing that I am already ‘taking’ money from others by earning a salary, so the only difference is that I’ll be doing it directly, and through owning up to my own worth and valued for the world and others to support me directly

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel vulnerable in asking others to give me money, because it feels like I’m asking them to place a value on me, not realizing that I am taking money personal, as though it is a personal reflection of me, when it is in fact about delivering a product that supports others, which enables me to support more people and take care of myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see money as a finite resource, as though that if I get money, others won’t have money, when, if they are able to pay me for my services, I have to trust that they are able and willing to pay, and to remember that the value I am giving them, will in turn support them to create the life that they are dreaming of

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable taking a payment from another person directly, because it feels dirty, and like I’m not supposed to do this, not realizing how I’m already part of this system by earning a wage. The only difference is that I’ll be working for myself, and as such, I’ve always accepted the exchange of money, because I knew I needed it to survive, while at the same time judging it and pretending like it wasn’t my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel vulnerable, exposed, embarrassed and ashamed, when I think about saying the price of my service to someone and actually receiving the money from their hand, not realizing that it is actually not my responsibility if they are able to pay, and that all I can do is to deliver a product/service that I can stand by and see as valuable for others to partake in.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be so adamant about not wanting any part of a making money culture, that I’ve deliberately created a life for myself where I have the least possible to do with money, where I am effectively sabotaging my own living, and my future, and where I am deliberately only surrounding myself with people who feel the same way, thus creating a collective positive self-identification, that we’re the “good ones,” the little man, who is ‘pure at heart’ and ‘incorruptible’ and who ‘cannot be bought’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear start focusing on earning money, within a business I created for myself, because I fear that my community will ostracize me, will hate me, condemn me, speak ill of me, and cast me out, as I will now effectively belong on the other side of the fence, and so ‘be the man’, and that I will as such lose my place in my community and be alone.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear expanding myself, in a way that I see would be supportive for me, and that would make me more accessible to make a difference in the world, because I fear my community, and as such, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to be part of a community that I fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see that the community/culture I’ve been a part of all my life, is not Best and is not supportive for me to be my best or for this world to be its best, as it is essentially created out of fear and antagonism, and is creating its positive self-image around being against the system, while at the same time, indirectly profiting from it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe and fear that money is evil and therefore, by getting involved with them, I will become tainted and I will turn evil, not realizing or considering that money is what I decide it to be, as I have the power to define my reality, and as such, whether I am evil or not, is up to me, and not something I can blame on money.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I start focusing on making money, that I am a bad person, because it is bad to want to earn money, and to have money

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that the belief that money is bad and that its bad to want money and to have money is a cultural programming that I’ve been induced with to make sure I stay in, and fully accept and fight to remain in my strata of a being middle class worker bee, with the specific purpose of making sure that others can earn lots of money

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that as a co-creator of this world, I am able to define what money is and isn’t, and to not see, realize or understand that by seeing money as bad and as something to be avoided, by judging it and separating myself from it, I’ve abdicated responsibility for a part of my creation, and I’ve accepted and allowed it to be used for purposes of ill intent, instead of realizing that money is a part of me, as me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience that I would define as greed that comes up within me, when I think about setting myself free to pursue money, where its like I become bloodthirsty and more wants more, and I fear losing myself to that part of myself, that I fear will start slipping and start justifying things that aren’t ok, for the purpose of making more and more money.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not accept the fact that a program or instinct for greed exists within me, and to embrace it and be curious towards it and open myself up to understand it, rather than to shy away from it, and reject it through separating myself from it in fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed greed to exist within me, as a program that gets triggered as soon as I start focusing on money, not realizing that the greed I experience as a symbol of wanting to reach out and grab and take more and more to make myself/what’s mine bigger, is actually founded in a deep fear of lack, which is the exact opposite experience, of being full of holes like a sieve, and not trusting myself/the world to care of me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not to see that greed is ultimately a panic response where we believe that we will be safe if we gain enough worldly assets, but where we’re ultimately coming from a starting-point of feeling unsafe and uncared for, and through that, not connected to the world in a caring way, and as such we become so locked in survival that its all we can focus on.

Self-Correction

I realize that to reverse greed is to see my place in the world clearly, as a co-creator, and as part of the whole in oneness and equality, to work on my own lack-traumas so that I don’t reach out to try to fill my ‘holes’ externally, but instead make sure that I fulfill myself from the inside.

I realize that when greed is triggered within me, it is a trauma response, and as such I know that lack is triggered and still exists within me and thus something I can immediately direct and “fill my hole with me” so to speak.

I realize that money isn’t evil, and that I’ve been trained to think that because it ensured that others could make money, and that I would never enter the world and make a difference in a bigger way through being able to reach more people, and through focusing on that which I’m good at.

I realize that money is a part of me, and therefore something I can direct as an extension of me and how I support myself in this world.

I realize that it is OK for me to take payment for my services because I am doing it to support myself and to support more people.

[Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash]

Learning to Dance to the Beat of My Own Drum. 415

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I had quite a profound moment of realization yesterday morning, after having had a chat with my DIP buddy the day prior. I’m also very inspired by my friend Kim who’s walking a very similar process at the moment.

The realization had to do with the fact that I can set myself free to be exactly as I am, that I no longer have to try to chase other people’s standards, and that the reason why I’m constantly failing at that, is because I’m not doing it as a natural expression of me.

See, some people are super tidy and organized and efficient in terms of getting things done. I am not like that. (And here I’m not talking about who I am at the depth of my beingness, because I know it’s something I have the potential to change).

I move more in increments, I often do things in spurts of efficiency, and then I have time in between where I’m either needing to rest, or focused on other things.

For the longest time, I’ve been blaming myself for the physical ailments of my body, of my overweight, of me feeling physically exhausted and unable to do things. And then I realized that, “hey, my body has ALWAYS been sensitive like this”, ever since I was born, or very young at least, so definitely before I was capable of getting myself into trouble.

But that’s the thing, I’ve been seeing myself as trouble for many years. And that self-judgment, has carried through into everything that I am not good at, and even into things that I would simply naturally do differently from others.

I’ve discovered that I function best from a starting-point of self-love and self-value, NOT from a starting-point of doing things because I believe I should. The more I love myself and care for myself, the better I take care of my environment, which is pretty obvious once you really start looking at it. But I’ve been trying to get myself to be more efficient through self-hate, self-loathing and self-judgment.

I also function best in groups, so for example when it comes to yard work, I’ve experienced being part of the Desteni group in South Africa, where we would, every day, go out for about 1 ½ hours and work the ground. In such situations, I become highly motivated, and can even motivate others, because it moves me on a very deep level to do things together. But when I am to approach such a project alone, I simply don’t do it. It’s the same with exercise. I love being in groups, but struggle to do it alone.

And then, with all of these points, because I’ve seen myself as ‘trouble’ or as a ‘bad seed’, I’ve automatically dismissed the way that things work well for me, and have pushed and pressured myself to behave how I believe you’re supposed to behave, with the result of me ending up doing nothing at all, and hating myself even more.

We have these perceptions about how the world, and we as people are supposed to work. And just like there are standards for what a beautiful body looks like, there are also standards for what characteristics that are valued in a person, and these are then impulsed to us from all directions, from movies, books, pictures and from the people around us, trying to live up to the exact same standard.

So I never knew or thought that I was allowed to be different. I believed that being efficient in this particular way was the only way to be. But the thing is, is that there are millions of different expressions and ways of being. Some beings are super slow in their expression, which causes them trouble because they live in a world that is RUN on being fast. I’ve met people who are almost like liquid in nature, you know, the really dreamy kind, who feel like they’re kind of in their own world. They also often get into trouble because they don’t fit in. Or men or boys who are super vulnerable and soft in their expression. Boy, do they get into trouble.

And in my case, I have my own rhythm, just like everyone else. This rhythm is the way that I function and operate on a natural level, its how I am, whether I’d like to be or not. Now, this doesn’t mean that these aren’t things that can’t be changed. I’m certainly not willing to live with the limitation that I’m just not someone who is very good at cleaning deeply for instance. And these things don’t necessarily have to be things that are manifested at a beingness level. I for one, see a lot of my late father in myself, in regards to these points.

But the point is, is that I can’t change myself, unless it is myself I’m changing. Meaning that, if I’m sitting here, judging myself as not being good enough, while trying to force myself to be in a way that’s totally unnatural to me, it’s not going to work. I know, you know. We’ve all tried this for years.

To actually change, I first have to get to know and understand myself. And I can’t do that, if I’m busy hating myself and pushing myself away. I actually have to embrace myself, and my quirks and fuckups, unconditionally, and say: “yes, this is who I am and I accept me.”

Only from that starting-point can I then say: “this is who I am right now, but I see it has its limitations, and it’s not who I am going to accept myself to be forever, so therefore I’m going to change.” See the difference?

And once you start deprogramming yourself, to literally pull your head out of the matrix (the world system integrated into your mind), so that you aren’t defined by its premises, you can actually start to see another layer of reality, in which things function on a completely different level. Like for instance, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter if I am overweight. I can do everything I came here to do, while being overweight. Overweight is only important in the context of how we in the matrix value body image. That doesn’t mean it can’t be supportive for the body to lose weight, but it’s certainly not something I’m going to bend over backwards, and harm myself, to do.

I actually get to be my own quirky self, and move myself based on the things that make sense to me, and be efficient in a way that works for me, and interestingly, the more that I apply this approach, the more efficient I actually become. That is because I’m for the first time in my life, in actual alignment with myself. I’m moving from a place of self-love, and what is best for all, and that is the most healthy place to be.

From Feeling Awkward and Trying to Impress Others TO Embracing My Unique Awesomeness. 414

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In this post I’ll be exploring this ‘thing’ I have about wanting to be seen/adored/recognized, to want to impress others, and although its been with me since I was a child, it is time that I get to the bottom of it and let it go, because I see that it’s hindering me to fully step into the next phase of my life. One of the aspects of this has to do with being willing to be ‘ugly’ and ‘unpopular’ and to stand totally behind my own message without compromising for the sake of impressing others.

So one of the things I’ve noticed in relation to the desire to be seen/adored/recognized, is that it partly stems from my own childhood, and my relationship with my mother, but there is even a generational pattern, that I recognize from my mother and grandmother, that has to do with feeling like we, in our family, have a ‘chip’ on our shoulders, like we’re not ‘fancy’ enough. I could imagine that it goes back multiple generations. And so there’s a need to overcompensate, because there’s a belief that I’m inherently not good enough, that I am an ‘bad apple’.

It is also a convenient program installment to be placed into a person who is as free as I am, because it successfully prevents me from living the full capacity of my being, which may be scary and provoking and which may piss people off. But as long as I am concerned about people ‘liking’ me, I won’t ever take it too far, and that means that it’s safe for the matrix, to not threaten its firewalls. And I’m basically then perpetuating and signaling to everyone else that they too shouldn’t express fully, and as such I contribute to upholding the status quo.

I’ve found it frustrating that I still have this ‘thing’ in me, that tries to impress others, and get others to see me. It has embarrassed me, because it is so obvious to me when others do it, how they try to come off as more, but it is so obvious to everyone around them, that they are feeling insecure and inferior. And I’ve struggled to understand why it’s still ‘in me’, because my sense of self-worth has significantly increased over the past few years. I know that I don’t have any reason to want to be seen as more than I am. I am already enough.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed and ashamed because I try to impress others and show them I am more, when I know very well that the signature that this behavior exposes, is one of feeling less than and inferior, and that people often react to it, which interestingly enough, the fact that I am concerned about this and feel embarrassed is clearly showing an insecurity within me, where I inferiorize myself in relation to other people and worry about what they think about me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of mind, as a mental holding cell of self-limitation and diminishment, where I worry about what others think of me, and desperately try to get them to like me, because I believe that I am dependent on making others like me for my survival in this world.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I connect with people through my being and through my heart, I yield results and support that is transformative, fundamental and substantial in a whole different way, than when I try to please them and coddle them into doing what I want, through being likable.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to develop a habit of saying things to impress people when I feel awkward and disconnected from them, in affect, disconnecting myself even further from them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as weak for trying to impress others, feeling like I shouldn’t still have this behavioral pattern in me, when the fact of the matter is that there must still be a part of me that feels so small that it needs to assert itself as more than it is

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must compensate for my shortcomings of being overweight and of being (feeling, really) socially awkward, and essentially thinking and believing that there’s something wrong with me in the core of my being, that means that others will reject and hate me and won’t want to play with me (yes that’s how my mind phrases it)

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think as a child that there’s something wrong with me, because I don’t fit in in the groups I’m apart of and because I’m seeing them from ‘underneath’ which makes it difficult for me to engage fully as I’m equally observing and perceiving myself, creating a double analysis situation which makes me feel awkward and unnatural because I cannot effectively participate in play with other children, as I’m always conscious of myself and of the dynamics taking place between the children

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react to my own nature, to take it personal and judge myself for being on the outside and feeling awkward, thinking that this makes me wrong

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, as a child deceive myself into believing that ‘the world/society’ IS what it presents itself to be, and so that there must be something wrong with me to not fit in, and so I must try to be better, because I find it scary and daunting to trust what I see, and question the nature of the dynamics going on between people and in groups

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, as a child, feel utterly alone and isolated and cut off, because I don’t see or experience anyone else seeing the world as I do, and instead of approaching myself with love and integrity, turn it inwards towards myself, judge myself and hate myself for being ‘off’, not seeing that this is in fact one of my greatest gifts and something to be honored and cherished

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, as a child, deliberately convince myself to trust what I see as the two-D/three-D reality in front of me that is presented by and interpreted through the mind, and so believe that everyone else is normal, because they’re appearing to have no trouble interacting in an effective way with one another, not realizing or considering that others could equally be seeing me that way as I’ve always agreed to pretend and to act according to the normalized and agreed upon interaction

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to wanting to show others how smart I am, how wise, and brilliant, because it gives me a buzz and a thrill inside my body to show off, and even more when I do get the validation that I’m longing for, not realizing that this is nothing more than an addiction to an energetic ‘high’, where I’m trying to get to a point of self-worth and being comfortable in myself and accepting myself and feeling at home in myself through getting others to like me, but because its based on projections and externalized energy, its merely an experience and doesn’t substantiate in the body, and therefore I have to get a ‘fix’ again and again to generate the experience of feeling good and worthy inside myself, instead of actually focusing on developing a real sense of worth, and making a real home of myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and develop a survival strategy and then a game out of getting others to like me and accept me, and even adore and admire me throughout these years, in an attempt to get away from feeling awkward and wrong and embarrassed about myself because I don’t fit in.

Self-Commitment

I commit myself to stop myself when I feel the need to impress, as I realize that this behavior has become addictive, and that I need to stop myself at a physical level.

I commit myself to embrace and accept myself in my glorious ‘out of the box’ness, without seeing myself as better or more than others, and to humble myself every time I see that I am going into specialness or superiority within me, to remind myself that this is simply me finally opening myself up to my gift, and while it’s totally ok for me to celebrate and cherish that, it doesn’t mean that everyone else isn’t equally awesome. It simply means that they are on their own time-line, in their own process, and I have a responsibility to help them discover and develop their gifts, as I have opened up to mine.

I commit myself to pay attention to where I am at and how I am feeling inside myself when I walk into group situations or interaction type situations because I realize that this is when my need to impress is triggered the most, and to do SF on any awkwardness that comes up, and make sure that I stay connected with myself and with my own integrity of being who I am.

I commit myself to pay attention to my interaction with people online where I most often express myself in writing, which is one of my strengths, and to stop myself as soon as I see that I am going into that energetic ‘buzz’ of feeling more than, and ask myself if I’m expressing just to impress people and whether what I’m saying is relevant.

I commit myself to honor my need to share and connect with the world and with others, and to turn something that has been a weakness into a strength, through keep sharing myself openly and vulnerably and to continue to develop my own relationship with myself, and my seeing of the undercurrents of human interaction and to direct them accordingly, to be best for all.

Check out DIP Lite to learn how to use writing to free yourself.

[Photo by Anton Darius | @theSollers on Unsplash]

Looking at 10 Years through the Review Mirror. 413

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I’ve been wanting to do a 10 year review, because I know that these types of exercises are supportive for me. I tend to have a rather bleak look at my own progress/success, so this type of exercise is supportive for me to push myself to ALSO look at how far I’ve actually come in 10 years. So a couple of days ago I signed up to join Mel Robbins #Bestdecadever prompt, in which we during 6 days in the beginning of January will be exploring our dreams for the decade. This is the first exercise:

Write down the three times you felt most excited or energized in the last ten years. Think of what you were doing, who were you with, and where you were.

I will take Mel’s words and then I will explore them from a starting-point of looking at when I was most ME, at peace with myself, in total flow of my being and who I am with my beingness opening up.

1. 10 years ago when I first found Desteni and started listening to and reading the Desteni material. It is the first time in my entire life, that information has penetrated my very core so profoundly as that did, and I’ve read a TON of self-help books and spiritual books. So how I view my life now, there’s a “before Desteni” and “after Desteni.” It is literally two different lives. And those first months, I would sit and absorb everything I possibly could get my hands on. It was like my entire self was cracked wide open, and as painful as it was, it was equally glorious and such a huge relief to finally understand this existence and (to some extent) myself in it. It was literally like finding water in an endless desert.

2. When I teach, write, do tarot readings and support people through my unique way of communicating. I can understand how artists sometimes feels like they are muses of divine inspiration, because it is like all of existence opens itself up, but in a kind of boundless, liquid type of way, where I can see everything at once, yet grab nothing, and all I can do is to let it flow through me, as a point of being creative and a creator. The other aspect of this is when my words and actions support others on a fundamental level. This is my favorite thing in the whole world, to be an instrument of helping all of us on our way Home. It is also why I love Mel Robbins so much.

3. Giving birth to and being a mother to my daughter. I have never enjoyed myself so much as I do with her, and being her mom is a constant source of inspiration and motivation. I am proud of who I am as a mother, and I am proud of who she is as a person. And I simply love being with her.

What big goals have you accomplished in the last ten years? What are you most proud of?

10 years ago, right before finding Desteni I was: 

  • Homeless by choice (bouncing around house sitting in an attempt to free myself of the Matrix. Joke was on me as I realized later that I AM the goddamn Matrix, i.e. it is inside of me.)
  • I had several addictions, including a daily marijuana and cigarettes addiction.
  • I struggled severely with connecting with others on a deeper level. I had few close relationships.
  • I had cut off all contact with my family.
  • I was on welfare or working odd jobs
  • I had no plans for the future
  • I was an emotional mess
  • I avoided paying my bills or doing my taxes.
  • I did not eat well or treat my body well. I ate a lot of sugar and junk.
  • I did no exercise.
  • I talked to no one about how I truly felt inside.

Today after having walked with Desteni for the past 10 years I: 

  • Haven’t touched a drop of alcohol or any form of drug in 10 years.
  • Live on a beautiful and big farm together with my husband, child and mother in law (she owns the farm) and a bunch of animals.
  • Together with my husband I’ve been able to create a small savings account (something I’ve NEVER done in the past)
  • I have a Master’s degree in educational sociology.
  • I have several long term jobs behind me, including, teacher, counselor for refugee youth, process leader, and educational director and community college teacher.
  • I’ve created a new course for teaching assistants all by myself. (my current job)
  • I’ve supported 10+ people as a coach in the DIP program
  • I’ve been an admin and main director for a Facebook group for porn addicts that had over 20.0000 members before Facebook shut it down.
  • I’ve been an admin and creator of many other Facebook groups.
  • I’ve been an admin on DIP Lite.
  • I’ve had a paying coaching client.
  • I’ve run a Women’s circle online for 1 year (had to stop it early due to illness).
  • I’ve written more than 1600 Instagram posts that has been liked over 20.000 times.
  • I’ve written at least 400 personal blog posts, and around 200 blog posts in my Teacher’s Journey to Life.
  • I’ve done a training session/workshop for parents at a festival about Deschooling
  • I’ve brought a class of 20 students through a 1 year degree to become teaching assistants (and am bringing another 20 through now). I’m teaching them everything I know about children and education.
  • I’ve been an activist working for children’s rights for the past 6 years.
  • I’ve gotten married and birthed my first child
  • I’ve changed my diet significantly and now love to cook and experiment in the kitchen.
  • I eat supplements and brush my teeth (I struggled with this in the past).
  • I work tirelessly to inspire parents to change the world from within (and through their parenting) on a daily basis through sharing my insights and journey through parenting on Instagram and Facebook.
  • I am a published author with a chapter written in the International handbook of progressive education about the french educator Celéstin Freinet
  • I have written a foreword to a book about punk in education.
  • I have done more than 100 videos
  • I have started a podcast
  • I have created a family co-op and work to inspire others to do the same
  • I have written several featured articles in national newspapers, both in swedish and in danish.
  • I wrote my master’s thesis in english and now master english nearly as my mother tongue, and I’ve learned to speak swedish. I use all three languages every day.
  • I have two cats that I take care of and about 20 houseplants that are thriving.
  • I’ve decorated a beautiful home.
  • I drew and designed our kitchen.
  • I’ve started learning to master my emotions, and I can now move myself from a ‘mood’ or emotional state and into stability and clarity.
  • I’ve reconnected with my family.
  • I’ve been with the same man for 10 years.
  • I’ve become a part of my partner’s family and love them dearly.
  • I’ve gotten close friends all over the world, that are near and dear to my heart.
  • I’ve gotten feedback from people I’ve never met that I’ve changed their life.
  • Started reconnecting with my beingness and my inner strength, and opened up my inner vision.
  • Have done a ton of Pilates and Yoga.

What did you not complete that you wish you had accomplished?

  • I am overweight, which I wasn’t 10 years ago, but it’s something I want to change, more than anything for my body’s sake.
  • I have the exact same body issues I had 10 years ago, despite weighing 40 kg more.
  • I still have some self-worth issues that I am working on change.
  • I would have liked to have my own (successful) business by this point, and not have to be employed by others.
  • I am not yet effective at being in a relationship.
  • I still tend to get emotional from time to time.
  • I haven’t yet fully learned how to work with money and administrative tasks.

What do you think held you back or kept you stuck?

  • The fact that I still rely too much on my mind and trust what comes up in my mind
  • That I don’t dare to trust myself
  • That I follow and listen to my insecurities
  • That I try to get ahead of myself and forget to bring myself with me
  • That I’ve swung between extreme polarities instead of developing equilibrium
  • That I haven’t stuck to the basics of doing self-forgiveness, breathing and writing
  • I created and founded a network of schools around Sweden.

That’s it for now for Mel Robbins exercise. Next we’re looking at goals for 2020 and the next decade.

I AM READY. BRING IT ON. 

I’d also like to say that I’m a bit gobsmacked in realizing how much I actually accomplished and moved myself in 10 years. And this is by no means an exhaustive list. I could have kept going. And I’m happy to report that yes, I am proud of myself.