I AM THE MAN and The World is My Oyster. 427

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I AM THE MAN and The World is My Oyster. 427

There are a lot of taboos in the world that are keeping us from seeing who we really are, and in turn prevents us from changing. One of these taboos is what I will be working with here.

It is a dimension that exists inside me as an undercurrent personality design, and we all have such ‘secret selves’ that we thoroughly hide from the world and from ourselves, but that comes through in moments through reactions and acting them out.

So as I write, I am diving deeper into this part of myself, to open it up and explore it, with the ultimate goal of forgiving and releasing it. I suggest to, as you read, breathe, and open yourself to the information, and to be open to the possibility that you too have such a figure roaming inside of you. Who knows? You might be surprised. What I’ll be sharing is not an absolute definition of this design. It is merely a dimension that may also be relevant for you. 

Enjoy. 

There’s a part of me that desperately wants to be SEEN, that wants to be glorified and worshiped and adored by the masses, to have the permanent authority and trust of the people, who wants my voice to be the only voice that is listened to, who wants to be the one who is at center and in focus, that others look to for vision, for support, for love, to give money to and to cherish. As I am writing this, I am realizing that this ‘thing’ within me is not ME. Because I recognize it in almost every businessman and politician on the planet.

Sometimes I act out from this place, and sometimes others play along. That makes me feel powerful and invincible and godlike. Righteous. My word is law. 

Other times, I feel deeply insecure and confused, like a small baby who’s taken on a challenge that is way too big for her small body and mind. I think “how did I ever think that I could be so big, so great, so powerful? Look at me, I’m just a puny little human. I’m a baby.”

I talked to my friend about this experience, and she supported me in such a beautiful way to see how, my feeling like a baby is there to balance me, to stabilize me, and ground me, and make sure I don’t lose myself in the smoke of power, in the allure of being ‘greater’ and ‘better’ and ‘more than’ others. And she’s right. 

Humility has been an extremely important part of my process, and when I do not live humility as a constant companion that levels and grounds me, and keeps me connected to everything and everyone else on earth, and I fly off into mental realms of superiority, life will drop me on my ass, and I’ll fall as hard and as brutally as I lifted my ass of the ground, and thought of myself as a heavenly creature. I am always hurt when this happens, and I am always grateful. 

I would rather be dropped on my ass a thousand times, and at least be real, than I would live in a delusion of grandeur while I annihilate others and make them my slaves. It is more important to me to be real, than to be right. 

But then there is the allure. The self-infatuation, the superiority. What to do about that? The first thing that comes to mind, which is also why I’m writing about this, is to kick it to the curb. “You don’t get to be here. You’re wrong and bad and evil, and we don’t want you. Thank you and goodbye.” But wait a minute. What is that voice? Isn’t that the exact same righteous voice that I was going to kick to the curb? Ah, so it’s a loop. I’m the hammer and the head that it’s beating on at the same time. 

I thought about making this a private writing, but I see how important it is to share processes like this, and to embrace the taboo of the delusion of grandeur with forgiveness and understanding. 

I wrote yesterday that “I’m here to celebrate that which is ready to come alive and give radical grace to that which is not.” 

Well, this is one of those points that wants to have all the cake to itself and that doesn’t want to share, or budge, or change, and so it is a point that needs my forgiveness and understanding, not my condemnation. And that is what I will do. 

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to condemn and judge that which I define as my ‘ego’ as that of me which wants to be seen, be powerful, be adored and in charge, because I am ashamed that I have this aspect existing inside me still, which I feel and experience contaminates the rest of me, and therefore is something that I must hide and try to quietly get rid of, instead of embracing this part of me as a part of me that simply needs to be seen, and recalibrated.

I forgive myself that I, because I am ashamed of and is judging my ego, as that of me which wants to be seen, be powerful, be adored and in charge, I suppress and deny it within me, and pretend like it doesn’t exist, so that I don’t have to face it or confront it, when that is in fact the exact thing that is needed for me to be able to change this part of me into something that is supportive and in alignment with what is best for all. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of exploring my own ego, because I am afraid of my own ridicule, judgment and condemnation, and thereby lock myself into a gridlock I can’t get out of, a catch 22, where I can’t change or move forward, and practically condemn myself to keep living in this relationship with myself of being the hammer and the head that I’m hitting it with, and thus giving myself permission and authority to keep living this ego-dimension because I am not here to give it direction or meaning or life. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself that I have a part of me that wants to be seen, be powerful, be adored and in charge, that wants to be the center of attention, and the one people listen to, partly because I’ve made it a taboo inside of me, and because it is a taboo in society, and partly because I want to keep living it, because I like it there, I like the feeling of being powerful and superior and godlike, and I like when people give me that attention and adoration. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of and judge myself for the fact that there’s a part of me that fully believes that I am righteous in this position of being ‘above’ others, that I am so brilliant, so amazing that I absolutely deserve to be the only one that’s listened to, to be the one that inspires and moves everyone else, and that sees others as ‘down below’, as ants to my godlike figure. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience, and seek a sense of safety through the experience of control of being the one that leads, the one that holds the vision, the one that everyone else turns to, because I feel like things gets so unsure and uncertain and complicated when everyone’s voice has to be heard, that things become muddy and I lose my ground, and it becomes chaotic and confusing, which makes me lose my footing and I feel insecure, untethered and ungrounded and paralyzed 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience a sense of indignation when I do NOT get the recognition, fame and adoration that I believe that I am entitled to, that others should be giving me, especially if others are getting it, and I am not 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel robbed and dethroned when someone else gets the attention that I believe that I should be getting, where it leaves me feeling empty and abandoned, frankly like I don’t exist anymore, like I only exist when others are there to confirm and root on me, and follow my lead. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to get high, and be turned on, energetically speaking, at looking at myself inside my mind, and seeing how brilliant I am, how innovative, how eloquent, feeling like the world is my oyster and I have a right to drink that motherfucker in, in any way I please because I am so fucking on top that no one and nothing can touch me. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel good about no one being able to touch me, feeling invincible and on top, like I can’t be caught, no one can catch up to me, because I’m standing on a peak high above them, like I’m above the clouds even, where the air is clear, and I can see for miles and miles, and I don’t have to be part of the sluggish, dense, confusing experience of being a mediocre human being, where everything is so multi-dimensional and uncertain, and you don’t know who you can trust. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create the experience of being THE ONE (in this particular context) based on an experience of needing to cope with the uncertainty and messiness of current life on the planet, where, if I am the one who decides, if it is my way or the highway, and at least I know myself, at least I know my own inner landscape and patterns, and so feel more safe in being the only one in charge

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel small and puny and insecure, when I look at the road I have before me, in terms of the potential that I see within me, and the path that I have chosen in this life, to make a big difference in the world, using all of myself and dedicating my life to this purpose, feeling like my purpose and path is too big for me, especially having to walk the terrain of this world with its pitfalls and garbage dumps and sinkholes and human nasitines and ambiguity, having no one to walk beside me, feeling like it is too much and I can’t do it. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become insecure and uncertain, and feel like I’m an imposter, a baby, a fake, when I see others who are doing what I am set out to do, and feel like they are so much more eloquent than me, that they have great confidence and trust in themselves, like they are beyond me, that it seems like they’ve gotten life sorted out and when I compare myself to them, I feel like the biggest loser, thinking that I have no business following such big dreams and wanting to take such a position in life as they are, and then all I want to do, is hide in shame over having ever thought that I was this big man who could take on the whole world. I cover in shame at seeing my own words, all high and mighty, regretting the promises I made, because now I am nothing but a blob in a human form, useless, worthless and utterly unseen. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience and participate in an internal conflict towards the fact that brilliance and existential leadership and such clarity of being can exist within me at the same time as this puny little blob of unworthiness also exists within me, thinking that the blob inevitably invalidates the brilliance, taints it and makes it invalid, when in fact, it is my blob who is my humanity, who keeps me tethered to the real world and the real experience of the people, whom I am here to assist, as they assist me. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, when I experience moments and periods of a more flow of brilliance, to try to stay in that state, to try to make it sustainable, because everything would be so much more simple, if I was the single point that everyone else followed, and I was validated to do so, without reprisal or fear of attack. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated, weary and uncertain about the prospect of living with everyone else in equality, because it gets so messy, and so complicated and muddy and unclear, and because it is so multi-dimensional, it feels daunting, like being inside a whirlwind or a stormy ocean, where I fear losing my footing any moment. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I’ve been trying to use the mind’s logic to cope with my experience of uncertainty, that if I were on top, the one who defines everything and is given permission by others to do so, everything would be more simple, when in fact the answer lies in diving into the stream of multi-dimensionality without resistance or holding on, to let myself submerge in it, be surrounded and permeated by it and to, through breath, remain centered in the singularity of my own being, holding the particular blueprints that I have uniquely sourced through my process as the beacon for my movement in this world, as a clear canal through the stormy waters, where I don’t fear the waters, but let them absorb me and hold me, and let myself melt into them and merge with them, without losing sight of my own path. 

[Image by John Towner for Unplash]

If you want to learn how to do these types of writings for yourself, please visit: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com if you are unfamiliar with writing and http://desteniiprocess.com if you want to do a DEEP dive into yourself and your own mind.

Making a HOME of Myself. 426

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Life has shown me, in no uncertain terms, this past year, that I’ve been trying to live in a fairy tale illusion. Interestingly, it has also been the year, where I have received the most love, care and consideration from other people, and often in unexpected ways, at unexpected times, and from people all over the world. And it reminds me of something Teal Swan said, that resonated so perfectly with what I also mentioned in my last blog, that: “If you don’t have a family, make the world your family.”

I’ve been looking at it a lot during the past few weeks, and I realize that I’ve had this desire to find people to be in relationships with, whom I could trust to be there for me, who wouldn’t leave me, who’d be loyal and compassionate and loving towards me. And I’ve been holding it against people if they could not give that to me. I am cautiously realizing that I may have been a tad bit naive and childish in my desire to find “true love” or “true family”.

When I was a child, I experienced myself as being unwanted a lot of the time. I experienced that my mother especially, who was my sole caretaker, didn’t prioritize me, didn’t want to be with me, and in turn that made me feel unwanted. Now that I look back at it with more clarity, I can see that she did the best she could with what was available to her. By that I mean that I’m actually quite impressed at how much she managed to prioritize me at all, considering that she was a single mom, and not a particularly ‘child-friendly’ one. My mom has never been the most empathic, compassionate, or tender person. She’s an artist and a free spirit, and that’s the way she raised me. And I am quite frankly eternally grateful for that, because already from an early age, she gave me my freedom and let me be who I was. She never tried to get me to be anything else or fit the image that she had of me. 

However – the way that I reacted to some of my mom’s actions and certain aspects of her relationship with me as a mother, has left me wanting and in a state of perpetual emotional lack.

Earlier this year, I realized as I have been walking this earth as an existential homeless person, I have sought refuge anywhere other than the only place I could find it: inside myself.

And once I finally started realizing this, and accepting that I had to make a home of myself, people somehow, in some way, found themselves at home in me. As my friend Phoenix says “Your need is a gift to others”, and my need to come home to myself, also became something I could give to others, to help them find home in themselves. But I have also realized that I will never find a home in anybody else, if I have not first established myself as my home. They say that “Home is where the heart is”. I’ve finally realized what that means: That my home is inside of me, where my beating, pulsing heart lives. 

This past year, I’ve in a significant way, lost many of the relationships that were most important to me, or the idea of what they were supposed to be. I’ve lost my dream of building a family, I’ve lost my support system, I’ve disconnected even more from my physical family, and I’ve lost my future plans for the tribe I was going to create to replace it. And I can see how all of it has been specific, how I have contributed to creating the situations that brought the end to all of these relationships. Because even though I say that I have lost them, I’ve played a role in the way, and reason why all of them have ended. I see now that they had to die, because if they would have continued to live on, I would have hidden myself in them, I would have hidden myself from myself in them, and I would have continued to live as a much lesser version of myself. 

And as such, I have used the image of me walking naked in 2021. I have nothing, and yet I have everything. For the first time in my life, I have a solid relationship with myself. I am making myself my home. And that is what I will continue to do, build a real solid foundation for myself in this world, as myself, one that is reliable and trustworthy, and yet open, and ever-changing. And I will cherish and nourish the love and care and consideration I am receiving, without taking it for granted or wanting to lock it into any specific box or definition. I am going to let it flow freely, into and out of me. 

So it is a strange experience that, from a certain perspective, I come into 2021 having lost everything. But I also come into 2021 feeling more at peace with myself than I ever had before, feeling more solid inside. And as always, whenever these existential rites of passage strip me of my illusions, down to the flesh and bones of who I am, I bow graciously and with immense gratitude, because I would rather be real and naked, than live in a beautiful, dressed-up lie. 

So Life – thank you for never letting me settle. Thank you for making sure I can never ever hide. Thank you for being ruthless in your demand for me to be myself. Thank you for steering me when I lose my senses. Thank you for always seeing the greatest potential of what I am and can become in every given moment. Thank you for keeping me humble. Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for your tenacity and clear vision. Thank you for not accepting anything less than my best self. Thank you for not accepting anything less than what is best for all. Thank you for letting me learn. Thank you for taking me exactly where I need to go. Thank you for being alive and getting to witness this time and space. Thank you for this body. Thank you for this. Thank you for letting me be me. Thank you for being there when I lose myself, to help me realize that I was never lost. Thank you for doing this, over and over and over. Thank you for making sure that this gets done. Thank you life inside me, for recognizing myself as Life, as little sparks of truth and realness and total openness. Thank you me, for finally starting to find my way home. I thank me for my compassion, and openness and fearlessness and passion. I thank me for my tenacity in finding my way home.

Holiday Blues: Feeling Alone and without Connection. 425.

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For a lot of people, the holidays isn’t a time to celebrate, but often a time connected with a lot of emotional pain as well as a feeling of loneliness, especially if you are comparing yourself to all the images of happy families around the globe.

In this post, I share a process of self-forgiveness I walked this Christmas on one of my deepest emotional wounds: feeling connected to and part of a group/family, and being seen as worthy by others to commit to, and for those relationships to break down. Within this process, I came to realize that I had been building a lot of my life on the drive to get away from an experience I had as a child, of feeling unwelcome, unloved and untethered in the world, only to manifest this exact experience again, as it never truly left me. I was the one who left myself, and then expected everyone else to do the same. Now I know better. Now I can continue building the foundation I never had as a child; gathering myself, and coming home to myself, one piece at a time. 

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project my own wound onto other people who are in a relationship, where I create assumptions and ideas about their relationship to feed into my wound, without actually knowing anything about their relationship or connection, beyond what they chose to show me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience a desperate need to connect with others, because of an experience of fear and unease when I think about being all alone in the world 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a subconscious belief that I can solve the problem of feeling scared and uneasy with being alone, by finding someone to connect with, who will commit to me permanently, believing that only then will I feel at ease, feel safe and protected 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold onto an experience of unease, discomfort and anxiety from when I was a child, where I felt like l was all alone in the world, that I didn’t have anyone to protect me, and that I have created a drive and desire to have deep connections and commitments with other people, as a way of dealing with it, not realizing how that would simply sweep the problem under the rug, and that the solution lies in going back and facing this experience

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to attach myself personally to an experience of being alone, of being disconnected and separated, where I created the belief that there was something wrong with me, when the fact of the matter is that I was feeling/sensing a global experience/situation that is as real now, as it is today. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and experience and participate in a strong drive and desire to get away from this experience of dread and disconnect by sticking my head in the sand, through entering into relationships in which I could lull myself into a false sense of safety, love and security, all the while the rest of the world raged on, and nothing was solved, except for me hiding, and eventually that having to fall apart as well, because it wasn’t real

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist living with the sorrow of the world on my shoulders and in my heart, because it is frankly unbearable and excruciatingly painful, and so I’ve done everything I could, to not have to feel it, or be with it, with children that are alone, screaming in the dark with no one to save them, with animals being abused from the moment they are born until they die, with old people being forgotten and mistreated, with people who don’t fit in, who are ostracized and made alien 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated because I don’t know how to live with the sorrow and desperation of the world in my heart, and do something about it, while also living a privileged life, in which so much is built upon a denial of what is really going on in the world 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated and confused because I don’t know how to reconcile living a life of privilege with knowing the depth of the pain this world has to endure, feeling like I must suffer with the suffering, and that my suffering isn’t real or valid, and that it isn’t ok for me to want people around me or to live with

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is perfectly ok for me to want to align myself with people in committed relationships, especially if it supports me to make a difference and place myself in the best possible position to be my best self, and that what I need to let go of is the motivation originating in fear and lack and desperation 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not fully accept or admit to myself that I am a strong, powerful, resourceful human being, who yes, has some fucked up sides and some faults that aren’t too helpful, but that in the grand scheme of things, I have absolutely no problems with operating my life on my own, and that it is fully understandable that I can’t do all of it myself, all the time, and never make any mistakes. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to devalue myself so much, and think so little of myself, that I never allowed myself to set any requirements or standards for how I wanted relationships in my life to play out, because I felt in so much of a state of inferiority, that I believed that if I wanted a relationship, it would be up to me to adapt and adjust and be flexible, because I almost kind of believed that the other person was performing an act of charity by taking me in. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not to realize that my extreme self-devaluation and feeling of unworthiness was based on the belief that I had to make myself smaller, because the world did not want me to be big, did not want me to be strong, or fierce or powerful, and so I used my force, my fierceness, my power to make myself small, and thereby nearly destroyed myself in the process. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must take what I can get when it comes to being in a relationship with others, that I must always be ready to jump when they ask me to, because if I don’t show them that I can be valuable to them, I am out 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience a deep need to connect with others, to get under their skin, and be adored by them, so that they will be devoted to me, love me, and never leave me, in contrast to my experience with my parents, where my dad wasn’t there and later died, and my mom often didn’t seem that interested in being with me, and I felt wasn’t there for me, or accessible to me, when I needed her 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not to realize or admit to myself that my great need to connect with others, stems from my disconnect from myself, where I ultimately don’t like myself very much, deem myself unworthy, and practically speaking leave myself by going into suppression and mind-dimensions where I get caught up in energetic waves that interests me much more than being with myself – because when I am with myself, I am reminded how much I don’t like myself, of all the parts of me that I see as a failure and a disgrace 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hide my actual real relationship with myself, because I don’t want it to be real, I don’t want to be confronted with it, and so my tactic is to exist in a state of disconnect, in an alternate mind reality, where I can dream up a new version of myself that I do like and feel good about. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not to realize that, until I fully embrace myself, and connect with me, others won’t be able to connect with me, even how much I want to, and even how open I am, they won’t be able to connect with me as deeply as I want to, and the relationships will fall short every single time, because they are a direct reflection of my relationship with myself. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not to realize that I am safe, I am sound, I am held by life, and I do not need to rush into connecting with others, that it is ok that I take my time

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept that my self-worth is dependent on others showing me love, caring for me, being there for me, being considerate and giving me attention 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel untethered and unsafe in the world because I don’t have a close-knit family, or a close-knit friend group or any other constellations of human beings whom I know will always be there for me, comparing myself to others and thinking that “everyone else has that” when the truth is that this is a romantic fairytale fantasy comparison that I’ve created in my mind as a form of cruel self-torture, ultimately as part of a program to never realize my true power or potential, or my interconnectedness with and as everything that exists 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live my life with the aim of escaping the feeling I had as a child, of feeling unsafe and untethered, only to end up with the exact same feeling, because it never left me, I was the one who left myself, never realizing that to end this feeling, is to fully welcome it into my heart, and be for myself what I didn’t have then, no matter where I am or who I am with

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to run on a drive to create a different life for myself than the experience I had as a child, never realizing that my drive was coming from a starting-point of fear, of fearing to be in that position again, where I felt unsafe and alone in comparison to everyone else, thus never being able to sustain my dream as it was created on a crumbling foundation of fear 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not make sure that I stand in balance, harmony and agreement with and between all my parts, as the community that I would like to create in the world, to first establish and exist as that within and as me, as a model and example of what I would like to create in the world

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not even be able to recognize support and safety when it is here, because I have been so immersed into and as my fear-self-shadow-run that I haven’t been able to see an accurate reflection of the world around me or what I have been creating in fact, always thinking that I need more commitment, more stability, more harmony, more beauty, to finally, one day, feel safe. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist in a contradictory state where I on one hand, claim to stand strong as a beacon for a new age of solidarity and community, and work hard to create and establish connection between people, and on the other I expect people to abandon me, to give up on me, to ignore me, not consider me, not prioritize me, and so I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for their love and commitment to falter, and I can never allow myself to relax or let go of control, because deep down I know, that soon enough I will be on my own again, and so I give and give and give, to prove my worth to finally be deemed good enough for a full, binding commitment, but I never truly, fully allow myself to open myself up to just that, thus creating a state of permanent limbo for myself and the people who cross my path.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain stuck within and as a childhood fantasy hope that if I just work hard enough on becoming likable and lovable, some day, someone is going to come along who won’t leave me, that if I just provide enough value and worth for other people to see that they should keep me around, then they won’t leave me or deem me unworthy of their time and commitment. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not to realize that I can only be met in the world with the true value and worth that I know that I am capable of, that resides within me, if I live that value and worth in and as, and towards myself in the first place.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live and exist within a starting-point of believing that if I give people everything they want of me, all the time, then at some point something will stick and someone will love me enough to stay by my side.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live and exist in a state of abandoning and neglecting myself, of not treating myself as worthy of my own love, care and consideration, of not sticking by me in the moments that matter, and then feel betrayed and hurt when others in my world treat me the same way, only mirroring and reflecting to me exactly how I am treating myself.  

Self-Commitments

I commit myself to stand by myself. 

I commit myself to honor the value and worth of my being, as something that doesn’t change, no matter how others see me or treat me. 

I commit myself to honor myself by giving myself attention, focus and care. 

I commit myself to honor myself by nourishing myself.

I commit myself to honor myself by taking care of myself, my body and my environment. 

I commit myself to stop devaluing my time by giving everything to everyone, but to instead prioritize so that I can make more of an impact. 

I commit myself to remember that I have a home in this world, and that this home is me. 

I commit myself to connect with me. 

I commit myself to stop disconnecting from myself when I see parts and aspects of myself that I don’t like. 

I commit myself to honor myself by doing things that are good for me and that supports me to grow. 

I commit myself to honor my time and my attention and to whom I give it. 

I commit myself to first establish myself as a home, myself as a community, before I try to create external communities. 

I commit myself to stop creating from a starting-point of running away from my fear. 

I commit myself to face and feel the emotional pain I felt as a child. 

I commit myself to be that for myself that I never had as a child. 

I commit myself to be upfront and honest and direct about what I want from others and to not be afraid of asking for it. 

I commit myself to commit to myself, to be my own family, to be my own partner, to be my own village, and my own parent. 

Lock down Parenting Panic. 424

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I’ve been home with my child in a form of lock down for almost two months. Most days we are together, just her and I, without seeing any other people, for 24 hours straight, sometimes for days on end. 

It’s going better than expected. It was rough in the beginning, but I feel we’re starting to get a hang of it. When I’m with other adults or by myself though, I can feel how much of a toll it is also taking on me sometimes. 

Sometimes I find those long days incredibly rough. But even more so when I have something in my life, where I need to put my attention, simultaneously with taking care of my child. 

And then my child talks, all the time. When we’re together I barely get a few minutes during the day to be with myself and my own thoughts. She talks to me and wants and expects me to engage actively. I feel obligated to reply, but at the same time it feels like a form of torture to constantly have to engage with someone else and their thoughts, and wants and needs. I react when she asks me to do something for example, only to then immediately ask me to also do something else, in a demanding way. I feel this rush of panic and stress, and when this happens a lot during a day, I feel like it’s having a detrimental effect on me. 

But my child is three, so there’s lots of this she can’t understand or be considerate of yet. And therefore, as of right now, it is up to me to change this within myself. And I actually see it as kind of a cool, but cruel form of behavioral therapy lol. 

Because it is challenging the part of me that wants to predict people’s needs, in order to control the outcome of my relationship with them, so that I don’t risk them becoming angry or upset with me and maybe leave me or push me away. 

Unknowingly of course, she’s pushing that exact button to the max, by yellin demandingly “Give me water!!!” as though she’s perished and would die if I didn’t give it to her, and then when I quickly spring into the kitchen in a slight state of panic, she’ll yell “I need to pee!!!” and now I have two “commands” at the same time, and I can’t do both at once, and that thus means that I’ll end up disappointing her no matter what I do – and so however much I try, I can’t be that person that is totally satisfactory and at her beg and call, because it’s physically impossible with a 3 year old lol. 

So I’m going to do some self-forgiveness to start releasing the energetic buildup and make some changes to how I respond and react. 

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react with going into a state of panic and irritation, when my child asks me to do one thing, and when I do it, she immediately asks me to do another, because I feel interrupted in my rhythm and process 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience that my child is completely disrupting my natural flow of moving through a day or moving through a task, because she will demand my attention to be on her, and when I focus on others I can’t focus on myself 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to struggle with accepting the complexity of having another person occupy my space the most of the time, and with their presence and behavior act in a way that makes it impossible for me to go with the natural flow that I’ve spent 38 years developing in my time with myself 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist adapting and evolving to accommodate for there being another person in my space constantly and continuously, because I secretly believe that she should accommodate to me, or that sooner or later things will go back to normal, in the sense that I will get my system back, and not be as intertwined with hers – instead of embracing the fact that I have expanded my world through inviting this child into my life, and as such that it requires me to expand too, to accommodate for her now taking up part of the space that I previously had all to myself. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react so extensively to my child taking up my space, because I have accepted and allowed myself to become a people-pleaser and because I’ve had poor boundaries when it comes to other people, and as such, my reaction to her, and me not being able to handle the way she comes into my space, is showing me that I need to work on creating a new inner space to live in

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame my child and resent her within feeling like I no longer have a safe space inside my brain where I can be myself, experiencing it like my child has invaded my system, and to some extent has taken it over for herself, not considering or accepting that this is exactly what bringing a child into this world means

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience that it is my child’s responsibility to respect me and my needs, that it is rude and selfish and inconsiderate of her to not pick up on my cues that I need space, when in fact, she is physiologically incapable of doing that, and will need my direction to support her to act in a way that’s supportive for both of us

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in a game of cat and mouse with my child where I pull myself away from her when my system can’t handle any more and become avoidant and try all kinds of coping mechanisms to sort of get her out of my system so I can have a moment to myself 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not throughout this process, actually embrace myself and show myself understanding as I’ve been living 35+ years on my own, and now suddenly have to accommodate to such an extent to another person, coupled with me being a people-pleaser who wants to be a perfect parent – not realizing how I’ve been setting myself up to fail, and then judging myself for it. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the only solutions to my predicament is either to continue my avoidance tactics or to wait my child out until I can reason with her and get her to leave me alone basically – not realizing that if I am to be the parent I want to be, my only option really is to evolve and adapt and to find ways to invite my child into my system, while at the same time maintaining a solid core of self within me that is stable and untouchable 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is possible for me to evolve and expand myself, and that the problem has been that I have not been solid in my core/center of myself and as such I’ve allowed myself to be influenced and directed by my child, rather than standing stable within myself, no matter what, and engaging with her from within and as that stability inside of me. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an uncentered and unbalanced way of living where I was mostly managing various coping mechanisms to survive, and never actually developing a solid inner core of self that I could stand as and live from as my own inner home and sanctuary 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not being able to engage peacefully with my child at all times, thinking and believing I should be able to be constantly engaging and totally stable inside myself as well, and that I am a failure and a bad mom, if I do not want to or cannot engage with my child 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated with my child when I’m in the middle of something where I need to focus and she talks to me, subconsciously thinking that she’s being rude and selfish and that she should know better than to bother me when I’m busy with something important, when she is in fact not capable of that yet, and it is not a responsibility I can place on her – and as such, it is my responsibility to find ways to make sure that I get to focus, by for instance within stability and calm explain to her that I need to focus for a moment, and that I’ll get back to her shortly 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed by the sheer expression of life exhibited by my child, to almost feel crushed by it and like it wants to invade me, not realizing that what is feeling threatened and reactive is the “me” I’ve created within, through and as the mind that is based in thinking and emotions only and is not fully present in this reality. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not to realize that when I react to my child talking to me, I do so because she’s pulling me out of my mind, and I don’t want to be pulled out of my mind, I want to stay in here, because I’ve created a cozy, safe little life for myself in here where no one can touch me  

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react to my child wanting to engage with me, in a manner that I find intense and invasive by going into a flight response of pulling back and hiding within my mind, because I’ve never learned to regulate the experiences that comes into my body, in any other way than through the mind 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a mental world in which I reign, and where I can create any fantastical scenario that I want and imagine myself to be anyone that I want and to prefer to live and stay in here, because I feel empowered, as opposed to how I’ve experienced my life in the physical, in a very disempowered state 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a polarity loop where I try to be a perfect parent to my child, only to then become exhausted and needing to withdraw and becoming irritated only to then feel guilty and try to be a perfect parent in order to compensate. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think that it’s possible for me to be a perfect parent if I just try a little harder and avoid becoming exhausted, not realizing that I am asking something of myself that is impossible, and as such I am setting myself up to fail

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not give myself moments to rest during the day, and instead go full throttle of being present with my child, until I collapse and can’t do it anymore, only to blame and judge myself, feeling terribly guilty and like I’m a bad mother because I have no more to give 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is impossible for me to change and expand so that I can handle my child talking to me, while I am focusing on other things, and therefore that the only solution is to somehow get my child to stop talking, as though she is the problem, rather than the problem being that I accept and allow myself to react

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame myself for not being more patient or accommodating with my child, instead of realizing and accepting that it is impossible for one person to be fully engaged in listening to another person, while also focusing fully on other things that require their attention, while also doing this in a 24/7 scenario where we are virtually alone together for the majority of the time 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place emphasis on the ‘bad times’ and to not at all give myself credit or attention to all the good times, where I expand and move in the best way possible. 

Self-Commitments

I commit myself to take responsibility for myself and to remain the directive principle in my interaction with my child, to calmly and directively explain to her when I need to focus on something else and I can’t listen to what she is saying right now

I commit myself to give myself a break, and to remind myself that I’m in an extraordinary situation which isn’t meant to last forever and that I am working on resolving as soon as possible

I commit myself to take responsibility for regulating my own mind, body and being by taking care of my own needs and living in a way that is best for me, so that I have the capacity to be there for my child

I commit myself to remember that I cannot expect my child to be considerate of me, and to also see things from my child’s point of view, and as such stop myself from reacting when I’ve had enough, and remember that this is a question of me regulating myself, rather than changing my child’s behavior.

If you want to know more about self-forgiveness as a method, I suggest signing up for the FREE course here.

[Photo by Caroline Hernandez for Unsplash]

Suppression and Denial. 423

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I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be taken over by emotions that scare me, and to ‘deal’ with them, I go into a state of deep suppression and denial as an automated response. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that I have trained myself to immediately go into suppression when or if I experience emotions that are extremely intense in nature and that I don’t have a handle on or a relationship with, because I reject that side or aspect of myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into a deep state of suppression whenever I feel guilty as a parent.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a life where I’ve used suppression as my primary tool to “correct” myself and get away from the parts of myself that I didn’t like or care for. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, whenever I feel deeply guilty and see how I am, that I go into suppression, self-punishment and self-pity, instead of facing the behavior and its design head on, embrace myself in it, and support myself to change. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to subconsciously think that it’s a good idea to suppress myself, when I see parts of myself that I don’t like, or that I’m too afraid of walking through, even though it takes me into a state of being that isn’t supportive or healthy for me, and that eventually leaves me at the exact same place of having to face myself, no matter how hard or for how long I suppress the thing I don’t want to deal with, because it was the ‘method’ that I saw adults using as a child, where they would be in denial of things, and sweep things under the rug, and it seemed like that was the way to go about it, even though I didn’t agree at the time, I caved, because it seemed like the easy way out, the path of least resistance, and a sleeping pill to not have to confront the deep powerlessness, pain and emptiness I was feeling. I now know better, and I commit myself to not pass the same dysfunctional behavior onto my child.  

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create taboos within me, as areas that  I don’t admit or accept and so deny to myself at a very concrete level, so I don’t have to deal with them. 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated because I have created a habit on autopilot that triggers without me consciously being aware of it, and as such feel and experience that I don’t know how to stop it, and within that, accept myself as inferior to the mind-consciousness-system and accept this behavior to continue, instead of insisting on finding solutions for myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for being aware of and directing emotional reactions that comes up within me on a daily basis, within using the excuse that I am relatively stable and within feeling that I got myself covered, when this has been an apparent blind spot for me, that was laying dormant and ready to destabilize me in a significant way, and to ignore it because I quite frankly didn’t want to deal with it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be so afraid of expanding and exposing more of myself and laying claim to have something that others can benefit from, at the risk of pissing people off, that I’d rather become self-destructive and deprecating in order to not have to face this possibility. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get spooked at the advent of potential success, and of sticking my neck out there and risk failing, to the point where I would rather sabotage myself and be self-destructive in order not to have to face the music of the situation I have created 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take on a persona of being cool and self-confident, when in reality I feel insecure and scared and inferior 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create the idea that I can’t be weak and strong at the same time, that I can’t be failing in one area, while succeeding in another, not realizing that its all part of the same process that is me and my life and this journey we are all on; the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Self-commitments

I commit myself to start training myself to work with my emotions on a daily level, and to be there with them as they emerge, to be with myself, and as such I commit myself to slowing myself down, even when everything is going well, to check in with myself – and see if there is any piece of me that I have left behind and gone into denial about

I commit myself to stop creating taboos and I commit myself to stop honoring suppression as the best method of dealing with things I don’t like about myself and that I am afraid of, and instead stand and walk with myself, with my eyes wide open and my arms in a hug around myself and open towards what may come. 

I commit myself to embrace all of me, no matter how successful I get, or how much people see me as a role model, to realize that the hardships I go to, as a mother, as a woman and as a person, are the foundation for my support of others, and without them I wouldn’t be able to support others 

I commit myself to keep pushing through my fears of breaking through glass ceilings, by reminding myself why I am doing this and through that, by not allowing myself to sink into depression, and self-pity, because I know and clearly see that I have a responsibility to stand up and lead a way. 

Wanting Support, Yet Not Being Willing to Change. 422

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So – I was recently made aware that I have a pattern of taking support for granted, to want the support, but then not follow through with the suggestions I am given, or only do them half-assed. In addition to this, I also tend to sometimes seek support from multiple sources in a superficial way. All of this has consequences for the people from whom I seek support from, and obviously for me as well. What I’ve realized is that this is a self-sabotage pattern that I’ve created to avoid having to come to a place where I have to integrate the support for real. It could be both psychological support and physiological support, but how I realized it was when I went to a physiotherapist and she started me on an exercise regime. I had so much resistance to it, but now because I am enrolled, and have no more excuses left, I can’t get out of it. And so I am in the exact place I have avoided getting to, by shopping for support and postponing the point of actually receiving the support.

Now I have to do the actual work, and I don’t want to. And it is such a significant point because it is showing me how I’ve been bullshitting myself (and others) claiming I want support, when in fact, I don’t. I’m realizing though that it goes even deeper, and that it has to do with a way in which I relate to others, where I don’t take them into consideration. It is often due to me being disconnected from myself/my own body/reality, and specifically also that I take on way too much than I can handle. I have started realizing that I tend to be kind of “air-headed” actually, and just say yes to anything and everything, while not having a steady grasp on any one thing. And so due to this pattern, I get other people involved, without first looking at whether I can commit to bringing them on board, and as such it ends up creating consequences in their lives, because I cancel appointments, or are not fully present at a meeting because my focus is elsewhere, and they feel like I don’t value them, because I don’t. This is something that makes me feel very ashamed, but I’m also glad that I am seeing it so clearly, finally. Because this is not who or what I want to be like. And I wouldn’t want anyone to be this way towards me. And ultimately, it has to do with the way I relate with myself.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to treat other people in my life as something that exists for me to use according to my need in the moment, and as such not in any way be considerate of the other person’s life, or their participation in or experience of our interaction

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to treat other people like props or extras in “my show” that is centered solely around me, and me alone, not seeing or realizing that I am part of an interconnected reality, and that everyone else has their own lives, and matter just as much as I do

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take people in my life for granted, who is offering to support me, to not take their support serious, but instead take it for granted, and see it in a superficial way as something that I don’t have to take seriously

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for taking others for granted and for seeing them as props in my life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist in a superficial state, where most of my awareness is projected into the mind, where I exist as a self-image of myself that I have created to serve a purpose, like feeling good about myself and hiding the parts of me that I don’t want to be confronted with or admit are a part of me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to pretend like I want support, but then when it is given to me, to not at all take it serious or follow-through with the support I am given, because it was never my intention to follow through with it, as the whole purpose was to keep living as I am, while justifying it to myself through deceiving myself into believing that “I am changing.”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create consequences in the lives of other people, when I pretend that I want their support, when I don’t really, and so go through the motions, but without ever being fully present in the moment, or follow through with the suggestions I am given

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a habit and pattern and a way of ‘relating’ where I use other people and take them for granted, and in no way take them or their life into consideration, as I see them primarily as “props” for me to use in whatever mind-game I got going on in the moment

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see other people as real, but to see them only as an extension of my mind, because there is a part of me that does not see or accept me as real, but it is living through mind-patterns and agendas according to various fears and desires that I allow to lead me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to play with and manipulate people for personal gain, because I saw that I could get something out of them, but without ever really intending to get to know them on a real level

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to treat others as though they are worthless to me, but not want them to notice and so keep pretending like I like them or like I’m listening to them, because there’s something I want from them, or that I find them useful for

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to waste other people’s time by pretending like I want their support when I do not, self-honestly

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel trapped as soon as I’ve agreed to receive support by someone, especially in a long-term setting, because I’m not consciously aware of my own self-deception scheme of pretending like I want support, and so have to find a to back out, or end up losing a lot of money, because I quit as soon as I’ve started

Self-Commitment statements

I commit myself to only seek out support when I’m actually ready to receive it and to appreciate the person supporting me, in a way I would have like to be treated myself

I commit myself to stop wasting other people’s time by pretending I want their support, when I self-honestly don’t

I commit myself to be self-honest about whether or not I truly want to be supported

I commit myself to stop pretending like I want support, to fool myself into believing that I’m changing when I’m clearly not

I commit myself to embrace myself in and as the part of me that do not want support, to stand face to face with this aspect of me, and understand that I am resisting changing and that it is something that can only happen through me pushing myself, little by little, even though I don’t feel like it.

I commit myself to respect the time of the person who is supporting me, through showing up on time for appointments and through committing to the exercises or instructions laid out and to be honest with the person if I for some reason cannot or won’t do them.

Paranoid People Pleaser. 421

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Ok so – being a paranoid people pleaser is something that recent circumstances is nudging me to look at.

What it looks like is for example me trying to please someone by interpreting their words and signals without actually asking them about it, often leading to misunderstandings, because I think I’m being considerate, when in fact I misinterpret them.

An example is that someone says something like “I need space” or “I don’t always feel like doing this” and I take that extremely seriously and interpret it as I now have to back off from contacting that person entirely “to give them space” or I now have to take over this task permanently. The paranoid aspect is a deep fear of being disliked, of being seen as too much, as clingy, needy, annoying or a bother. So in my paranoid mind, I must do everything I can to avoid ending up in a place where the other person could think even the slightest bit bad about me, so that I can stay in their good graces. The deeper fear is being cast aside, rejected, turned away, and the belief that’s adjecting is that I am worthless and not good enough, and therefore must be on my best behavior to not risk upsetting someone, because I fully expect them to cast me aside. This ties very well with what I wrote in my last post about aloneness and self-rejection, that if I have rejected and pushed myself aside, it is no wonder that I cling to relationships with other people for validation and care and love, because it’s the only place where I’m even likely to find it, although even that is unrealistic if I don’t love myself in the first place.

It is ironic too, because this point is showing its teeth right as I am deeply immersed in a process of standing alone, on my own two feet, and am pushing the point of showing myself love and care.

It is such an incredibly unpleasant experience, feeling slightly desperate and paranoid, and it makes me ashamed and embarrassed about myself, because I judge it as something only losers would experience. I see it as weak basically.

And it is interesting too, how I’ve been hiding this aspect of me from myself for so many years, and I’ve learned to kind of just cope and survive and somehow manage to create relationships still, but it has not been without massive mental effort on my part.

It has been coming up in relation to this new friend I’ve made, whom I like very much, and have deep respect and admiration for. The depth of my affection for this friend, has triggered me to go into a state of deep inferiority, where I worry that I am not good enough for them, or that they will cast me aside due to my insecurity and tendency to become slightly neurotic. So it kind of tailspins, and I then try to compensate for my apparent inferiority and to manage my fear of being rejected, by trying to be what I think they want me to be. Like act as if I’m ok with something I’m not ok with, be extremely accommodating and flexible to the point of being self-effacing.

So – the point is that my insecurity runs way deeper than I was aware of, and I have a deep anxiety in relation to my relationship with other people. I can’t even really explain where it all started, because I remember having this experience of insecurity even as a young child, in relation to the other children on the playground.

I was more preoccupied with the relationship structures and dynamics, than I was with the content of the interaction. I’ve always been like that. I find interactive dynamics deeply fascinating, and apparently deeply frightening too lol.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that, due to having rejected myself and deemed myself as unworthy, believe that I must compensate through being acutely perceptive of other people’s boundaries and needs, and through anticipating what they want and need and feel, prevent that they become dissatisfied, angry and disappointed with me, and cast me aside.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try to please others by trying to be as I think they want me to be, but base this purely on my perception and interpretation of them, that I assume is real, and as such not be considerate of them at all.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to trust and believe that what I perceive and interpret about another and what they need and want and feel is real and true, without question.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that they best way to get someone to like me and love me and attach themselves to me, is through being exactly what they want me to be, and through avoiding showing them aspects of myself that they might not agree with or find pleasing or acceptable – and as such place myself under great pressure.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be something I am not, in order to please others and have them want to be in a relationship with me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, when there’s someone I like, place myself into a position of inferiority, thinking that because they are so fantastic, I am not, and that I must prove myself worthy of their greatness in order for them to want to have a relationship with me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a skewed and unbalanced relationship with other people and what they mean to me, because I have annihilated and rejected myself to the extent where my only option for experiencing myself as valuable or worthy is through the good graces of other people, and even with that, because I have already rejected myself and dismissed myself as unworthy, I constantly expect other people to come to the same conclusion and therefore I treat myself as unworthy in my relationship with others, because it is all I know.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react strongly when someone sets a boundary towards me or share something in my behavior that they don’t like, where I immediately recoil and pull myself away and make an instant commitment to never do that thing again, even if they may have only meant it as a momentary thing, because I am so caught in the fear of being rejected and cast aside that I won’t dare pissing them off – and at the same time underneath, there’s a part of me that’s pissed at them for blocking me in this way

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame other people and hold them responsible for the relationship I create towards them, where I put myself under constant pressure to satisfy them and never piss them off, because it is exhausting and debilitating and limiting in so many ways, but because I apparently don’t exist or get a say, it must be the other person’s fault, even though this is all my very own self-creation

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can control the outcome of my relationships with other people by acting in the exact way that I think they want me to, and by never making mistakes or stepping out of line, by always being accommodating and flexible and nice, and always take it upon myself to be better and change if something isn’t working between us, not realizing that I’ve created my relationships out of fear, and on the basis of fear, and that this isn’t in any way the foundation to create a relationship upon

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear and subconsciously forbid myself from making demandments in a relationship, because I believe that I am in such a position of inferiority, being a bad person who’s only been lucky enough to be accepted into the relationship at the behest of the other person’s good graces, that I have no right to make any demands, and it is my job to rather be as accommodating as possible, to compensate for my apparent horribleness that the other person now have to keep up with.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become so flexible and so accommodating in relationships that I completely ignore my own needs and wants, only to then resent and blame the other person for making me be this way, when all along it was my own decision out of fear, and out of a belief that I am worthless.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel terribly scared and afraid that I have done something wrong whenever I do set a requirement or boundary in a relationship, because it feels like I am doing something that I’m not allowed to, that might risk the other person being angry with me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to do anything I can to avoid making others angry, disappointed or upset with me, by trying to be perfect and wonderful and accommodating and flexible, never even questioning what a relationship is worth, if one person is being fake and pretending like they’re something that they’re not.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I can avoid someone becoming angry, disappointed or upset with me, then I can avoid them leaving and abandoning me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to grow up with an experience of feeling unwanted, not prioritized and not worthy or important to the people around me, not realizing that other people’s actions does not reflect in any way on who I am, but on their own inadequacies and subsequent neglect; something I know too well in my own relationship with my child

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to let me define my entire being, and create my entire life’s relationships with other people, on the basis of believing that I am inherently unworthy, because adults in my childhood neglected me due to their own inadequecies, probably born out of them being neglected and not prioritized when they were kids.

Commitment statements

I realize that my worth is not contingent upon being in a relationship with others, or upon them deeming me worthy or important

I realize that my worth is not contingent upon whether others are upset or angry due to me having set a boundary for myself.

I commit myself to honor my worth by being self-honest about what I want to participate in and what not, and I commit myself to honor my worth by sharing my wants, needs and desires with those whom I wish to be in a relationship with.

I commit myself to push through the fear of setting boundaries for myself in my relationship with others and my fear of them leaving me if I say something that upset them.

Into The Alone, or The Journey of Coming Fully into my Weirdness. 420

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Throughout my life there has been a distinct theme of feeling alone vs. belonging to someone/something. And in many ways, this theme is now coming to the forefront in various ways in my life, where I find myself alone.

Why it is specifically relevant for me, is because I have created a life of self-rejection. I have rejected myself and so have sought everything I needed from outside myself: love, approval, safety, warmth, friendship, communication, support. I’ve sought it everywhere but the very place I needed to go to truly find it; myself.

And now it is like life is conspiring to make sure that I face this point once and for all, and for that I am grateful. I often wake up in the morning with a sad, melancholic experience that I relate to this aloneness. It is an experience of being untethered, and having no solid ground under me, provided by having the guidance and presence of others in my life previously.

So – I see how I’ve used others to anchor myself to, as I’ve felt untethered and unsafe in life. Inside of me, I am a very free being, with few limits, and I tend to be very ‘mental’, like I spend a lot of time in the mind, rather than grounded in physical reality, and so I’ve often felt and experienced that I don’t belong in this world, and certain not in this practical world lol where one has to do practical things in a certain order and organization. But I realize that I thrive when I am part of a structure, when there is a frame around me, and certainly when I focus on being more physically present.

But it has been a dilemma for me, because I have rejected myself. I’ve seen myself as a loser and as a bad person, because I struggle with simple every-day things that other people seem to handle easily.

I realize now that I am on my own, totally personal journey through this universe, through this time-line, that can not be compared or measured up against anyone else’s. And I realize that my problem mostly has to do with a) rejecting myself and reacting to myself and b) being out of balance.

Because who I am is essentially awesome lol. All I gotta do is to come fully into myself in a sustainable and supportive way, meaning that I’ve got to ground myself. I’ve got to be that for myself which I’ve sought in other people; stability, structure, belonging, support.

And then I also realize another thing, and that is that I am still immersed in a mind-based way of living that sees everything in a very linear, inflexible way. An example is the idea that you’re supposed to have reached a certain level in life by a certain age. But that is not real stability, or a real or supportive frame.

So a lot of this also has to do with creating a new, framework that is flexible enough to accommodate for the multidimensional nature of reality where everything constantly moves an changes.

And in this, I realize that I can shift my relationship from ‘other people’ to ‘everyone’, like when I see myself being a part of and in a relationship with everyone and everything that exists, I don’t feel alone anymore. But I can contextualize my aloneness as a necessary point in time that I need to be, in order to fulfill my part in this whole thing; to bring myself home to the whole.

I’ve felt such a desperation to “be a part of “, to “belong”, to be “connected”. Like, if I go for a physical treatment like a massage for instance, I am soaking it up and dreading the moment when it’s over. If I get a hug, I want the hug to continue, and then I want more hugs all the time. I have this weird relationship with life where I just so want to be in it, and yet I feel like its never enough. And I most certainly feel like I’m too much for other people lol.

And I can’t really explain it, but I see that the solution lies in surrendering myself to life as a whole – and actually, rather than receiving, being the one who gives all these things – but before I can give it to anyone else, I got to give it to myself.

I have such a deep passion and love for life, and for the journey that we’re all on here.

And so I see that I need to come fully into my weirdness lol, and bring all of me to the table, but it scares me to do so, because I’m still part of this world system, and I’m scared to be rejected, but even having to reject people and situations myself, in order to stand in full integrity with myself, truly living in the moment, and not holding myself to anything else besides the truth of who I am in this here moment. This is where I get scared of becoming too ‘liquid’, too flowy, too untethered. And this is where I have to stand totally and utterly alone. Because no one can walk this but me. I’m not even sure anyone else could understand this strange journey that I’m on, truly feeling like Alice going into a rabbit hole, yet everything still looks ‘normal’, and on the outside, nothing has changed. I still got to do dishes, go to work, take care of my kid.

And I’m at this point of having to step into it, not knowing where it will take me, and I resist and I hold on, and I don’t know exactly how I take this first step. But one thing is for sure, I’m going there, into the unknown, into the alone.

I’m sharing this because, despite me being on this journey alone, I’m not alone, and I know that there are others who may sit with a similar point. And so I’m sharing this as a point of support for you.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must and need to be in control of life, and in control of myself, and to exert this control by monitoring and managing myself on a mental level through constant analysis, because I fear that I am too free and too open to exist without being controlled and ultimately held down and held back so that I don’t float away

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to attempt to use the mind to create a stability and grounding/anchoring for me, because I had given up on and rejected myself, and deemed myself incapable of being the one who holds myself, as I interpreted myself through the matrix standards and found myself wanting, not realizing that my capacity and capability to hold myself, is at a physical level, and at a beingness level, which runs on totally different parameters, that isn’t necessarily in alignment with the matrix

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear creating and stepping into a trust of myself to guide and hold myself, because I knew that it would mean that I would step out of the rules of the matrix to some extent and that this would create consequences that wouldn’t necessarily be pleasant and that it would mean that I would risk ostracization and attacks.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself by not seeing or realizing that the fear of being ostracized by not following the rules of the Matrix and my mind, is a preprogrammed firewall existing to ensure that we as human beings don’t step out of line and become self-directed

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to force myself to follow rules of the matrix and my mind, out of fear of being bad and doing something wrong, and being told that I am bad, even if it compromises my integrity and self-honesty and me and my body’s well-being.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to seek stability, support, love, compassion, warmth, safety and belonging in the arms of other people only, because I had totally and completely rejected myself, not even considering that it would ever be possible for me to give that to myself, as I saw myself as nothing, as something that is so bad that all hope it has is to by the good graces of other people, and by being in service to them, be allowed in.

I commit myself to develop ways to hold myself and create stability in my life and for myself.
I commit myself to stop depending on other people to give to me, what I haven’t yet given to myself, and rather focus on learning how to give that to myself.
I commit myself to embrace this journey of aloneness as a beautiful and gracious thing.

More to come when the moment allows.

What People-Pleasing my 3-year-old is Teaching me about Self-Respect. 419

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As all other 3 year olds with respect for themselves, my girl can be a demanding little one. Without shame she’ll call out “Mom, food, now!!” Or “I want ice cream!!!” She doesn’t do it in a negative/aggressive way either. It’s simply matter of fact. “I want this and I want it NOW!”

For me, as a recovering people-pleaser, being the mother of a 3 year old can be a challenge to say the least. So for a long time I’ve been examining what happens inside of me, and this is what I’ve found:

Inside myself, I’ve created the subconscious rule that I’m not allowed to say no, to anyone, that saying no is bad, and that I must do everything in my power to fulfill someone’s wishes, if they ask me to do something for them.

So let’s say that I’m busy cooking, standing in front of the stove, immersed in an activity that requires my attention and focus. Now – in this very moment, my child will start demanding things from me. “This thing is broken, fix it!” or “I don’t want this movie, I want a different one” “put new batteries in this thing!”

Here comes the moment where I experience an internal conflict and rift which actually causes me to be much more stressed out than is necessary. I feel an obligation to do what she asks of me, as per the rule I mentioned above, because there is a part of me that believes being a good mother is about always being available and at service to your child.

But I’m busy cooking. I don’t want to leave it. And maybe this is also the first moment throughout the entire day that I’ve had to myself, to be with myself for even 5-10 minutes, to connect with myself and center myself inside.

But because I have colliding interests, and because this rule is so strong inside me, I tend to either do what my child wants, in the hope that this will by me some time later (which it usually doesn’t because 5 minutes later, she’ll want something else from me) OR I will react and become irritated and be short fused with her, and end up feeling terribly guilty afterwards.

I’ve been practicing saying no more, to be more strict, and I’ve always been very direct and open about how I feel, but it feels so taboo to say no, and I’m sure that I sometimes cross the threshold and go to the opposite end of the spectrum and say too much no, unnecessarily.

Being a people pleaser has been a problem for me for years. That and the fact that I have a heightened sense of perception will often send me into a tailspin of worrying about other people and how they’ll react to me.

Lately I’ve also been looking at why I’m so concerned about people saying yes to do things for me without really wanting to, fearing for them to become irritated with me later. And obviously it is because I fear them doing to me what I’ve been doing for years.

Ever so often I’ll say yes, only to end up resentful and feeling compromised, blaming the other person for making me feel this way. Or I’ll try to stand my ground and express my wishes, though being so vague about it, that most often, it doesn’t translate into something the other person will understand. Or when its been really bad, I’d try to emotionally manipulate people to get what I want, through for example making them feel guilty or indebted to me.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to let an emotion of panic, dread and desperation to exist within me, when my child asks me for something in a situation where I’m preoccupied with something else

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create the subconscious rule inside of me that if someone wants something from me, or demands something of me, then I have to give it to them, and do everything in my power to satisfy them

Forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react with a surge of panic, stress, desperation and frustration when my child asks me for something, and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be sensitive to the demands of others, where I feel a pressure to be of service as soon as someone demands something of me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to subconsciously think and believe that it is my responsibility to make sure that my child is happy and content at all times, and that it’s my responsibility and fault if she’s in any way unsatisfied or unhappy and that this is a horrible thing that I must avoid at all costs

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience myself running around like a headless chicken or a waiter at a busy restaurant, trying to constantly satisfy my child’s wants, needs and demands

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define my own experience of myself based on how well I’m able to satisfy my child’s wants, needs and demands and in affect “keep her happy” and as such feel good and on top of the world when I feel like I’m a good mother, and conversely feel like utter shit, when I feel like I can’t satisfy her

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become bitter and resentful and project this towards my child, in blaming her for my conflicted inner experience, believing that it is her fault for being so demanding and feeling sorry for myself that I’m being treated this way, as though she’s the one in power and I’m a victim of her evil ways

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel bothered and frustrated that I now have someone else in my life, whose needs come before mine, and who I therefore believe that I must constantly answer to, and be at their beg and call, not realizing that simply because I have a child that needs me, doesn’t mean that I can’t or shouldn’t set my own boundaries, when applicable

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that “I never have a moment to myself”, feeling frustrated every time I am busy with something, and my child interrupts me, because there is still a part of me that expects live to be as it was before I had a child.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not fully, and unconditionally accept the fact that my life has irrevocably been changed since having a child, and that there will be many situations where I will have to place my child’s needs first, but also that there will be moments and increments where I’ll have time to myself, and that it is up to me to make sure that I value those moments as precious.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that my child is irritating when in fact, she is simply living and expressing herself and very often enjoying my company and wanting to be with me, and as such my experience of irritation is really not about her, but about me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not fully and unconditionally accept and embrace that my life has changed and that I can’t expect a small child to let me go on living as I was before

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not question my own presence in the moment, and whether the state of being that I’m comfortable with and would like to return to, is actually best for all and so best for me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my child is indirectly helping me to step out of my mind and be present in my physical reality AND with learning how to be specific, direct and clear about my time and my boundaries

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see my child as rude and demanding, when she in fact is simply expressing herself unapologetically, stating what she wants, when she wants it, not realizing that for her to learn how to respect my and other people’s boundaries, is something she’ll learn through me actually respecting myself and showing up for myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in a subconscious belief that I must always please others, to avoid them becoming angry or upset with me, because if they get angry or upset with me, that’ll directly affect who I am, not realizing that who I am, is not defined by or dependent on how others react to me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist as a slave to my own fear and desire to be accepted by others, because I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to others reactions to me

Self-Correction

When and as my child calls out for me, and wants something from me, and I feel that surge of urgency and pressure inside me, I stop and I breathe. I remain stable within my own experience of and as myself

When and as I feel constricted and anxious and desperate inside myself when my child is speaking to me or asking me of something, I stop and I breathe. I allow myself to give myself a moment to consider whether I see sense in carrying out her request or whether it would indeed compromise me in some way, according to which I will then abide or respectfully tell her no

I commit myself to be clear, specific and direct with my child, to not compromise my integrity to satisfy her, and so end up becoming bitter with her

I commit myself to place focus and emphasis on regulating myself on the inside rather than focusing on trying to regulate my child on the outside, in an attempt to regulate myself on the inside

I commit myself to learn from my child’s unapologetic expression and let it be known what I want and what I don’t want, clearly and precisely, without fear of how others might react.

Life as A Loser’s Game. 418

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I have had two dreams within days of each other in which the theme is me being a loser basically.

In the first dream, I was with my family and I was playing the role of being codependent, weak and unable to do things for myself. Both my family and myself accepted that this was who I was.

In the second dream, I was with two colleagues/friends, and they rejected me from leading a project without reason, which sent me crying my eyes out, but we all knew that it was because I was a loser. In this dream, I was not ok with not being given a leadership position. I couldn’t understand why, but then instead of speaking up for myself, I just started crying and basically confirmed why they didn’t pick me.

I had both of these dreams right after I started my #PreciousProject which is basically a process I’m walking towards accepting myself as precious, to value my time, my resources, my skills and my body.

So it’s kind of like my subconscious is sending me a signal that there is an undercurrent inner mess I need to clean up, where there is a deep part of me that still sees and experiences myself as a loser.

In both dreams I also felt like an outsider looking in. It was like my family was a unit and my colleagues were a unit, and I was the third wheel who wasn’t supposed to be there.

In many ways, this is the story of my life. I’ve always felt like an outsider. I have an ambivalent relationship with groups. On one hand, it is where I thrive the best, being part of a group, yet on the other hand, it’s also where I’ve felt the most alone.

I’ve been in and out of contexts. I’ve been a leader on projects, and I’ve been a follower. I’ve successfully been part of groups, which is something I never thought was possible as a child and teenager when I felt so extremely different.

I’ve started to see that my difference is one of my biggest strengths. Ironically, my detachment from the system is also what allows me to connect with people on a deeper level.

So there’s an element of embracing my differenceness, and then there’s an element of forgiving my seeing it as something wrong and bad, and then there’s also an element of deliberately making myself an outsider to retain my freedom, and because I’m afraid of being rejected if I truly allowing myself to be part of it.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as a loser, as someone who’s weak and therefore is codependent on others to take care of me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see and judge codependence as being a part thing, while honoring independence as the ultimate goal, instead of considering that we need each other in this world, that I can’t do everything on my own, and that I will need people to support me, who are skilled in areas where I am not

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be codependent in a way of being resigned of my own self-responsibility of myself and to merely let others and the context of existing that I’ve tacitly accepted direct and define me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to tacitly accept that I am a loser, that I am weak, and that I cannot expand beyond my limited existence of being codependent on others in a limiting way

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see, experience and accept myself as a fuckup, a loser and an outsider within my family, and to think and believe and accept that I will always have this role, that it is a part of who I am, instead of realizing and accepting that it is a role that I’ve been playing, because that’s how I’ve come to accept myself, yet it is not all that I am or the totality of my being

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that being an outsider, and being different is automatically the same as being a loser, because I don’t follow societal rules and because I don’t pursue a career or a particular lifestyle, and because I have spent a long time fucking around doing nothing of value

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to enjoy being a loser and a fuckup, that I want to have this title and play this role, because I see it as honorable in an anti-hero kind of way, and because I believe it allows me to be free from pressure and expectations, and because it lets me hide from the world

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be proud of being an outsider because it makes me feel special and different and like I’m more than others who I judge and see as conformists and followers who aren’t as interesting as me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to love defining myself as an outsider, because it lets me stay in safe distance of other people, where I can look in, but not be part of their groups, and risk ostracization and exposure

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that being a loser, a fuckup and an outsider is a role that I’ve been playing, and that I’ve imposed upon myself, due to a reaction to my differenceness AND as survival-protection mechanism, that it has never really been who I am in fact, and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to harm myself, through limiting myself and judging myself and sticking myself into this box of being a loser, and accordingly define myself and my reality based on that.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept that I am a fuckup who will never amount to anything, that I am a loser who doesn’t have the capacity or witt to do something of value, that I am weak and incapable of doing important things, and that I therefore need other people to carry the weight of me through life, not realizing how I am in fact an incredibly independent person, but due to this definition and judgment of myself, I don’t allow myself to rely on other people, because I fear being a loser, and I rely on them too much in certain situations, where I could have actually stood up for myself, but I believe and accept that I can’t, because I believe that I’m too weak and too much of a fuckup

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not to realize that I’ve built my life upon self-rejection, upon believing that I cannot and shouldn’t trust myself or rely on myself, because I see and accept myself as a loser and a fuckup

I forgive myself that I consistently see myself through the lens of judging myself as being a loser, whenever do something that I’m not satisfied with, cementing my loser-status by thinking and believing and accepting that “this is typical me, this is just who I am. Why can’t I change?”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to enjoy seeing myself as a loser, because my self-judgment gives me a perverted sense of satisfaction, and makes me feel better about making mistakes or doing things that I consider to be bad, because then I am at least punishing myself and not being a slacker about being a slacker.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to enjoy seeing myself as a loser, because it means that I have a justification for never expecting more of myself than the standard that I’m already upholding, which means that I won’t let people down, and then they don’t have a reason to reject me or get angry with me or hate me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold onto a positive energetic experience towards defining, seeing and experiencing myself as an ‘underdog’, actually fearing to be a powerful being, because I have conversely defined, seen and experiencing being a powerful being as something negative.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold myself in a self-definition of being a loser, both internally and in some ways externally, because it makes me feel free from obligations and from risking letting other people down

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold myself to a standard of being a loser, and thereby depend on others, because I fear stepping fully into my own power, owning myself, carrying myself and my life, because I fear that I won’t be able to have others in my life, that they will reject me and that I will ultimately be alone and without support unless I need other people

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a narrative inside myself where I believe that others are keeping me on the outside because I am a loser and inherently wrong, when the fact of the matter is that I’m the one who’s kept myself on the outside, deliberately, because I wanted to, and who have thus kept others on the outside of me, not letting them in, or truly giving them a chance to get to know me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately martyr and belittle myself just so that I don’t take the risk of standing fully in my value and worth and risk being torn down by others and losing what I manifest, so that I’d rather remain small and unfulfilled because I believe it to be the safer choice

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to shower myself with misguided love and self-care through ensuring that I stay small as a safety measure against fear of loss and disappointment

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel safer having nothing, because as soon as I have or am ‘something’ I fear losing it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not to realize that in lfe, things constantly move and shift and that its not possible to hang onto things either way, no matter how hard I try to protect myself from fear of failure and loss

Self-Correction

I thank myself for wanting to protect myself by making sure that I always remain small, through reminding myself that I am weak, that I am a loser and a coward without a backbone, so that I don’t risk expecting more of myself or for others to expect more of me, only to be disappointed when I fail, thereby risking people being upset and unsatisfied with me and risk losing people and a life I’ve created

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to talk myself small, either externally or inside my head, confirming that “this is who I am”, I stop and I breathe. I remind myself that this is a defense mechanism that I’ve created due to fear of loss, and that its useless because nothing is permanent anyways, and so I commit myself to let go of that which I’m trying to hold onto and control and instead let life flow freely through me, and allow myself to take part and gift myself to the world unconditionally

I commit myself to stand by my greatness as a unique being, and to honor who I am, without making myself smaller as a security measure.

Photo by Aarón Blanco Tejedor on Unsplash