Redefining STABILITY in Relation to Emotions. DAY 388


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redefining the word stabilityI am here continuing to explore my relationship to the word STABLE that I started opening up in the previous blog post. In the days after the previous blog, I realized that virtually all my ‘issues’ in life comes down to my relationship with emotions, including my relationship to the word STABLE. I realized that I have identified and affiliated myself to such a degree with emotions that I time and time again choose emotions over common sense, dive into them, gorge on them and eventually ‘drown’ in a state of possession, before coming back to the surface and going like “what the hell did I just do?”

It is an addiction yes, but it is also a warped sense of loyalty where my sense of self is so tied to my emotions, it is so much ‘me’ that I almost feel like I am betraying myself if I reject or don’t act on my emotions. Going back in my life, there is a clear thread in all this.

From my mother who is a person with a lot of spunk and expression and who grew up in a strict Christian home and spend her whole life freeing herself and learning to accept herself, to my father who was severely bipolar and fought the system, the doctors and himself because he felt invincible and near divine in those moments of manic ingenuity and wanted to stay like that forever.

In my own life as a small child, I felt like my body was controlled, that adults controlled me all the time, with their rules and their morality. I felt weighed down by senseless expectations to fit in, both within my environment and within my own mind. So the more I look at it, the more I see how my relationship with emotions has to do with a warped sense of ‘self-integrity’, that because emotions are MINE and MINE ALONE – especially when they contradict what is considered normal in society, they set me free.

So ironically, I have existed in a state of total enslavement towards something that is essentially a sort of chemically induced hallucination, or rather a self-manipulated mental hallucination that induces chemical alterations in the body and makes you believe that it is real.

By the way, when I say emotions here, I mean all kinds of emotions from negative experiences like fear and depression to positive experiences like desire and pleasure.

I am saying all of this because when I looked at my relationship to the word STABLE and why it is that I don’t live this word as a consistent expression of who I am, it is exactly due to emotions and the way I let emotions override and suppress the natural stability of the body. In fact, you could say that emotions are the exact opposite of stability because of their total volatility.

So when I looked at how to start living the word STABLE, it really mostly has to do with stopping accepting and allowing myself to be emotional so that my natural expression of stability can step forth and be developed.

My current redefinition of the word STABLE is “Standing and staying able” as mentioned in the previous blog post. I will here look at how to start living the word stable by creating a network of supportive words that serves the purpose of supporting me to be able to live the word STABLE.

To stand and stay able to live in a supportive way that is best for all, I saw in the last post the words FOUNDATION, CONSISTENCY, INTEGRITY, BALANCE, FLEXIBILITY and EQUILIBRIUM.

I specifically had a look at how I am preventing myself from living the word STABLE in my day to day living. As I’ve been looking further into this, I will be updating my list with the following point: I have swapped EQUILIBRIUM for SELF-HONESTY as I see EQUILIBRIUM being more of an end-result, where as self-honesty is a very important key when it comes to living something that IS here, but that one isn’t living, because that can only mean one thing: that one is deceiving oneself in one way or another.


The foundation here is the starting-point of why I am doing this (in this case the process of establishing stability), which is something that I see I need as an anchor to not exactly lose myself in the ‘ocean of emotion’. As something that really speaks to my particular mind and setup, my foundation here is the fact that emotions has done anything but set me free, and to truly be free, I need to be absolutely self-directed and self-created, on an individual as well as on a collective level.

As a practical way of establishing this foundation, I see it would be cool with a daily morning routine where I reconfirm/solidify my commitment to walk this process. It can be a text I place on the wall right when I get up that I then read out loud as I stretch and ground myself in the body, or after applying 5 minutes of directed breathing in awareness.


To stay able, consistency in application is necessary. A tree that has its roots planted in the ground, in a solid foundation must be consistent in how it grows. Consistency has for me been a word I have particularly struggled with, which I also see is related to the point of emotion, since following emotion (for example desires) is what leads me to break my consistency of application. Consistency is therefore something I see I have to apply on a constant basis. It isn’t something I see that I can do exercises to maintain and it is also a word I see I need to work with more to establish a foundation within.


In my friend’s writing about stability, she used integrity within the context of ‘inner grit’ to push herself to remain stable. I also see it as a point of self-respect; being able to trust myself to do as I say. It is also what will determine whether I am consistent or not and as such, whether I will remain standing/staying able.


For a tree to stand able, firmly in the ground, it needs to be in balance. It needs to grow and develop in a balanced way, because otherwise it is likely to tumble due to heavy winds or others forces knocking it down. We had an apple tree recently break a huge branch off its trunk because it had gotten too heavy and we hadn’t sufficiently trimmed the tree in advance. If I as a landscaper am going to tend the tree that is my body/being/mind, I need to support myself to remain balanced. In the context of my emotions, it means that I need to ‘trim’ the aspects of me that are weighing me down and the way to do that is through applying the tools of self-forgiveness, breathing and self-corrective application.


Exactly as a tree needs balance, it also needs a certain amount of flexibility. A tree stands outside in rain and snow and heavy winds, and it needs to be able to bend itself to the environment, just enough for it not to lose its foundation and grounding within the earth. This means that there is a certain elasticity in the tree. It can’t be stiff and resisting the influences of its environment, but needs both balance and flexibility to remain stable. This is an interesting point, because in relation to emotions, what I see is that I can’t go around making rules and regulations for myself where I judge myself or blame myself. I also see that I have to deal with resistance in this context and learning how to embrace emotions from the perspective of not accepting and allowing them to move me, but at the same time not resisting or suppressing them.


Self-honesty is probably one of the most important ‘support’ words in this context, but also in the context of living words in general. I see it as being relevant both when becoming emotional and reacting and I might deny the fact that I am reacting, or even admit it but want to hold onto it anyways. It is also especially important in the moment where urges come up and I use thoughts to manipulate myself to justify following the urges. An example could be the urge for a food that I know isn’t supportive to my body, and I speak to myself in the thoughts and make it ‘ok’ to do – even though I know it is not. Here I need to be able to call my own bullshit.

Finally, it has been suggested to not try to work with ALL dimensions of a word in all aspects of one’s life but to rather start working with it in relation to a specific aspect. To me at the moment, the most important dimension has to do with emotions, both becoming emotional as well as accepting and allowing myself to be directed by ‘urges’.

I basically need to have an inner ‘support system’ in place for when I enter those moments where I tend to give myself over to the mind and allow the mind to take over my body. The specific situations I see where this is particularly relevant are A) in relation to other people, because that is when I mostly would have emotional reactions and B) in relation to how I move within the mind, where I literally manipulate myself through the mind to become emotional through first of all allowing thinking and secondly allowing myself to believe the thoughts. C) Having an ‘urge’ and using thoughts to manipulate myself to follow the urge. This however is something that I see I need to work more with in writings.

For now, I will work with establishing stability in relation to becoming emotional – something that prevents me from staying/standing able (STABLE).

More to come…

Living the Word STABLE. DAY 387


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STABLEIf there is a word I wouldn’t often use about myself, it is the word STABLE. Ironically however, when I look at certain aspects of myself and my life there are moments of stability, moments where I am stable. I water my plants regularly every week. When I work with children, I immediately assume a deliberate inner stability because I know how much we as adults can influence children, also through that which isn’t spoken or obvious. So it is not to say that my entire being, body and mind don’t know what stability is in any form or fashion.

When I however look at the general pace and process of my life, it has exactly been signified by being unstable, both through the circumstances I was born into and brought up in and through the way my mind has worked, particularly with being emotional and using emotions as a navigation and self-identification system. So when I look at the word stable, I look at it as a word that I am generally inferior to, as something that I am not, but that I look up to, and would like to be.

The word STABLE is part of my Beingness signature recording that I mentioned in my previous blog, and as such, it is a word that is an essential/inherent part of my being that I am thus not fully embracing/expressing/living. I will therefore here explore my relationship to the word stable and how I can implement it into my life as a Living Word.

Dictionary definition.

sta·ble 1
adj. sta·bler, sta·blest
a. Resistant to change of position or condition; not easily moved or disturbed: a house built on stable ground; a stable platform.
b. Not subject to sudden or extreme change or fluctuation: a stable economy; a stable currency.
c. Maintaining equilibrium; self-restoring: a stable aircraft.
2. Enduring or permanent: a stable peace.
a. Consistent or dependable: She has been stable in her support for the project.
b. Not showing or marked by erratic or volatile emotions or behavior: He remained stable even after he lost his job.
4. Physics Having no known mode of decay; indefinitely long-lived. Used of atomic particles.
5. Chemistry Not easily decomposed or otherwise modified chemically.

Etymological origin

stable (n.)
early 13c., “building or enclosure where horses or cows are kept, building for domestic animals,” from Old French stable, estable “a stable, stall” (Modern French étable), also applied to cowsheds and pigsties, from Latin stabulum “a stall, fold, aviary, beehive, lowly cottage, brothel, etc.,” literally “a standing place,” from PIE *ste-dhlo-, suffixed form of root *stā- “to stand” (see stet).

Meaning “collection of horses belonging to one stable” is attested from 1570s; transferred sense of “group of fighters under same management” is from 1897; that of “group of prostitutes working for the same employer” is from 1937.
For what the grete Stiede
Is stole, thanne he taketh hiede,
And makth the stable dore fast.
[John Gower, “Confessio Amantis,” 1390]
stable (adj.)
mid-12c., “trustworthy, reliable;” mid-13c., “constant, steadfast; virtuous;” from Old French stable, estable “constant, steadfast, unchanging,” from Latin stabilis “firm, steadfast, stable, fixed,” figuratively “durable, unwavering,” literally “able to stand,” from PIE *ste-dhli-, from root *stā- “to stand” (see stet). From c. 1300 as “well-founded, well-established, secure” (of governments, etc.). Physical sense of “secure against falling” is recorded from late 14c.; also “of even temperament.” Of nuclear isotopes, from 1904.

direction to printer to disregard correction made to text, 1755, from Latin stet “let it stand,” third person singular present subjunctive of stare “to stand, stand upright, be stiff,” from PIE root *stā- “to stand, set down, make or be firm,” with derivatives meaning “place or thing that is standing” (source also of Sanskrit tisthati “stands;” Avestan histaiti “to stand;” Persian -stan “country,” literally “where one stands;” Greek histemi “put, place, cause to stand; weigh,” stasis “a standing still,” statos “placed,” stater “a weight, coin,” stylos “pillar;” Latin sistere “stand still, stop, make stand, place, produce in court,” status “manner, position, condition, attitude,” stare “to stand,” statio “station, post;” Lithuanian stojus “place myself,” statau “place;” Old Church Slavonic staja “place myself,” stanu “position;” Gothic standan, Old English standan “to stand,” stede “place,” steall “place where cattle are kept;” Old Norse steði “anvil,” stallr “pedestal for idols, altar;” German Stall “a stable;” Old Irish sessam “the act of standing”).

Sounding of the word STABLE

Stabel – in Danish it means “to stack/stack on top of each other)
STA – in Scandinavian STÅ means “Stand/to stand”

Creative writing

If we look at the dictionary definition, the general understanding of STABLE is pretty much the same as the one I have, where the word specifically has to do with a person’s physical or mental health, though mostly with mental health, and as such refers to the mental state that one is in. This then also comes through in terms in for example biology where something stable is something that isn’t compromised/unpredictable/changeable.

The other side of the word, which also comes through in the etymological origin, is the more specific/practical side, of the word STABLE referring to the word STAND. Another interesting observation, is how the word literally refers to a physical stable as a “standing place” but even has connections to the word “stan” that in some languages means “place/land/country” (like AfghaniSTAN). But also “the act of standing” and “place I stand” are interesting in this context.

According to the dictionary’s definition of the word, let’s have a closer look at my relationship to/with the word STABLE

a. Resistant to change of position or condition; not easily moved or disturbed: a house built on stable ground; a stable platform.

With the way my mind has developed and how I have developed my mind, I have throughout my life in some situations been easily moved and disturbed. For example through my relationships with other people where I have defined myself based on my perception of their judgment of me. This has caused me to change who I am to fit in for example. Another example is in relation to being emotional, which is probably the biggest source of instability I can think of.

b. Not subject to sudden or extreme change or fluctuation: a stable economy; a stable currency.

This I again see relating to emotion where instability comes from accepting and allowing emotions to take over and possess one’s body, mind and being. Interestingly enough I’ve also had an unstable relationships to money and economics

c. Maintaining equilibrium; self-restoring: a stable aircraft.

This point I see relates to one’s ability to stabilize after a moment of instability, where one has tools and resources available on a consistent level that one will initiate if one starts becoming unstable and so maintain or correct oneself to a level of equilibrium. In this case these tools are self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements, writing and breathing in awareness.

2. Enduring or permanent: a stable peace.

This is then the next phase of restoring equilibrium where one has specific ‘maintenance’ tools of prevention to ensure that one doesn’t become unstable again.

a. Consistent or dependable: She has been stable in her support for the project.

This I see specifically relates to how my instability may cause ripple effects on other people around me and on my environment.

b. Not showing or marked by erratic or volatile emotions or behavior: He remained stable even after he lost his job.

This one is self-explanatory lol

4. Physics Having no known mode of decay; indefinitely long-lived. Used of atomic particles.

5. Chemistry Not easily decomposed or otherwise modified chemically.

So these two are really interesting because they also refers to how mental instability affects the physical body and how stability on a mental level supports us to remain stable physically as well.

A friend of mine later shared her redefinition of the word STABLE which I also found very supportive:

“What I found was the word s-table – so for practical purposes I have placed a picture within that word of a table, the four legs equally balancing the top planted in the earth. So to be stable is like standing as a table, solid and balanced because if you hit it on any sides it can not be moved within it’s shape, it moves as a solid piece yes, but it always remains a table solid on the ground. Next I have placed within this word, the word courage – as core gauge to look within myself and who am I in my core? I like to check where I stand within myself, my core, as this supports with understanding if I am indeed standing stable or in reaction/movement. If I see movement, I support myself with moving into the word courage to support to stand within self honesty and what is best and change in that moment, so it’s like a check in of sorts. I also placed the word integrity within the word stable as well, here I have redefined this word as internal grit = integrity, like in situations where I need to stand stable, who am I in my internal grit – am I willing to grind the point to change, is a cool reference to access the point of ‘who will I be?’ do I react or do I stand (s)table through accessing my core – gauge = courage to live what is best for all, be the example, and do my best.”

I very much like her table analogy and completely understand it and see the value of it, like how the way the table is designed support it to remain standing because it is in equilibrium and also how she incorporates other words into a word – I haven’t played with that yet. Because for instance, I see that it would be cool for me to incorporate consistency into how I live stability.

What mind friend did which is so cool is that she doesn’t just work with the word in a superficial/pretend-like way, where one kind of things that just redefining the word will sort itself out like magic lol (I’ve done that in the past). But where she actually looks at where her ‘mental weaknesses’ are, also in relation to living a word effectively – and where she’ll then need support-words to assist her to actually fully live that word.

It is very cool as well to practically support yourself in moments of instability, for example through applying a specific supportive image or word. I also see that the only source of instability really is to be emotional – because emotions MOVE – whereas it is like thoughts are more one-dimensional/static.

I am realizing that the whole point of instability comes down to my relationship with emotions and how I have allowed emotions to literally envelop me. I have been very loyal to emotions throughout my life, blindly following them wherever they take me, defending them, protecting them, and emphasizing them.

This is what my friend wrote:

“When the emotions are moving in the moment of instability, there is like an imprint now of the words redefined as how I shared with the picture of the table, so I remember the whole point of what I wrote and redefined within this word, it brings up courage and also integrity, etc. as I expand within it, so these words become like networked or web to eventually be something in one moment I can see the whole network and transcend the instability into the new living words. I also practice these in not so intense times like always looking within myself can I live words here, what word can I live, does this word apply, if it’s a new word how can I redefine it and have it be supportive. Like the integrity word, I redefined rather recently, so it’s cool as it becomes more and more and practicing until the words become natural and I indeed live the word.”

I really like my friend’s perspective on courage and inner grit/integrity in relation to living the word STABLE. For myself I see that consistency would also be a cool word to focus on, so not just “how do I stand and keep standing?” but also “what/who do I stand as?”

What I find interesting about this exploration of the word STABLE is that it has so many connections to the word STAND. The most obvious and straightforward definition of the word I see so far is Standing Able, where it refers to how one in a situation remains able to direct oneself and the situation and stands through it, no matter what happens. Another dimension is the point of position of “where one stands”, where being stable is to “stand one’s ground”, stand with/up for oneself, which in the case of the mind means to not accept or allow oneself to be directed, controlled or pushed around by the mind.

So I kind of see two perspectives on STABLE where one has to do with a CURRENT state of being, being stable in the moment, where the other has more to do with a continuous stability, being stable over a longer period of time, as Still Standing Able or Staying Standing Able.

The image that I have, along with my friend’s image of the table, is an image of a tree. A tree stands within a solid foundation in the ground (GROUNDED) and because of that can be moved and swayed in its branches without being compromised. A tree thus isn’t stiff or inflexible, but can move to quite an extent because it has such a solid foundation. For me, I see what is so important here is therefore to focus on creating a solid foundation because that is from where stability comes from.

It is the same as with my friend’s image of the table. The table must be in equilibrium or things you place on it would fall off, as it would be wobbly and insecure. It is built through using specific measurements that ensures its stability.

Living the word STABLE for me right now is thus about STANDING ABLE and STAYING ABLE – like a tree stands and stays able to nurture itself despite of storms and snow falling on its branches, or like a table stands and stays able to carry what is placed on it through its balanced equilibrium. In my case it means standing and staying able to direct myself and my mind, to become the living principle of my being, body and mind, and to through this process, birth myself as life from the physical.

What I specifically see I have to work with to live the word stable are the words FOUNDATION, CONSISTENCY, INTEGRITY, BALANCE, FLEXIBIITY and EQUILIBRIUM.

In my next post, I will apply my friend’s method to create a network of words to support myself to live the word STABLE.

Thank you for reading!

Living the Word “ME”. DAY 386


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Living the word MEA couple of months ago, I got what is known as a “Beingness Signature” recording based on the drawing of my Beingness signature. The drawing is a symbol of my life and existence as a being and with it comes a recording that explains the symbols. It was a highly profound experience to get my drawing and recording and I can warmly recommend it.

In my recording I was given a series of words that represent me, words that are part of my ‘core being’ and that I am either, living or that I have suppressed or denied, and that when I redefine and start living them, will support me to expand myself more to live the essence of who I am as a being.

The word I will be working with in this writing is the word “ME”. When this word came up in my recording I was quite surprised and I did not quite understand how such a word could be significant, when it comes to defining who I am as a being. Looking at it now, I also see how I’ve held a slight negative association with the word “ME”, connecting it with selfishness and narcissism.

Looking at the word in the context of what I have been facing recently, and in my life as a whole however, I do also see a different depth to the word which has to do with recognizing and resonating with the core of myself, in essence, resonantly ‘knowing who I am’ and standing by myself in that recognition.

Interestingly enough, this is at the same time something that I have struggled with greatly in my life too, where I have accepted and allowed myself to accept a definition of ‘me’, of my relationship with myself and my life that is filtered in and through the mind, through myriads of ideas and beliefs about ‘who I am’.

Looking at the particular challenges and limitations that I have created for myself in this process and that continuously causes me to struggle, it specifically and exactly have to do with as who/how/what I have defined as ‘me’.

What I see is that I have made “ME” into a polarity between the “Right ME” and the “Wrong ME”. The right me is the ideal of who and what I believe and think I should/would/could/desire/wish to be and the wrong me is then the failing to achieve that, the falling from the pedestal of ideals in my mind. The ‘wrong’ me is thus a point of morality, of judging myself and creating rules and regulations for how I am supposed to achieve to become the ‘right’ me. (As I side-note I can here mention that I despise being morally policed by other people, probably because I do it so extensively to myself.) The two “ME’S” are thus existing interconnected, one existing only because of the other.

Looking back, I am not even sure if I started with existing as the right or the wrong me or whether I created them in conjunction with one another. I remember being a child and reacting a lot to being corrected by adults, experiencing myself as wrong. I also know that this theme of “wrong or right me” has been a distinct theme in my mother’s life and what her journey has been about has been about embracing ‘wrong me’ and allowing herself to live that without fear or guilt. For me, wrong me is not something I have seen myself as embracing but rather something to get away from, an inner ‘enemy’ aspect if you will.

How I deal with the wrong me and the right me in my daily life has been through a process of polarity where I either ‘go with the flow’ in the sense of just completely giving in to the mind and letting the mind take over, and within that finding solace in the ‘path of least resistance’ from the perspective of giving into my resistance and therefore experiencing life being easier and more comfortable, because I didn’t have to fight or make an effort. The opposite polarity of that have been moments where I put fire under my ass and in a fit of morality went into a state of “getting my shit together”, none of which has been particularly effective or supportive, again splitting myself into two polarity extremes.

It is like I only have two gears; full throttle or zombie mode and neither is getting me where I need to go.

Looking at the solution to this, I see that I need to “tune in, turn on and drop out” of the polarity game and actually embrace and merge these polarities and see how I can develop these weaknesses within me into strengths. How can I for example transform the ‘go with the flow’ tendency I have, from being undirected and random to being self-directed and specific? How can I turn my ‘full throttle’ mode into a supportive expression that doesn’t originate in fear and trying to compensate?

When discussing this with my husband, he said to me that I need to embrace the nothingness of “This is me”, that when I see something in/of myself, I do not attach anything to it, like judgments or emotions. When he said that I saw how I have come to define me as this ‘sticky’ word, and I’ll just stick anything to it, like “I am an emotional person” or “I am just not good enough” or “I don’t have very much will power” OR it can also be positive as in “I am very intelligent” or “I don’t have to do this thing because I am highly advanced.” It is kind of like getting a pimple on your cheek and going “OMG, I AM A PIMPLE” lol, where you basically take one part of your entire body and you define the entirety of you based on that.

Whatever it is, I have come to pin a lot of things onto “ME” and what it is doing is that I am being spun around and around until I have no idea who I am and just go with the flow of my immediate experiences and default strategies which are (conveniently so) coming from the mind, because that’s what I am used to.

The word No-Thingness reminded me of the saying we have around the word “thing” where we’ll say: “Oh don’t go making a thing out of it” or “At least that’s some-thing.” The word “thing” is in this context like me taking myself seriously and personal and taking everything I see about myself on face value as “Alright then, THAT is who I am. Period.” And by doing that I have trapped myself in all kinds of beliefs and limitations and time-loops of emotional suffering, because every time I for example have realized something ‘bad’ about myself, I go into a fit about it and go “this is who I am, this is who I am, this is who I am, oh god.” Instead of doing the opposite, of applying no-thingness and saying: “Right, what is this now? It is a part of me obviously and I created it surely and I’ve lived it, but the buck stops here. There is nothing that says that IT IS WHO I AM, that it is ME. And this goes for patterns I’ve lived my entire life, several lifetimes even.

So that leaves me with the question: If I am not all these ‘things’ that I have stuck onto myself and labeled as ‘ME’, then what am I? I once, during a spiritual session on psychedelic drugs had a profound experience where everything of me that wasn’t real, the personalities, the fears, the fakeness, all of it was stripped and what was left was the essence of me, the pure me, like all that existed in me was just me, only me. I am not sure how else to explain it, like ME is WHO I AM. That is what I can say. “ME” has nothing attached to it. It is everything that I ever have been, everything that I ever will be and nothing.

When I speak the word “ME” to myself, it has a grounding, soothing, intimate resonance, like coming home, embracing and accepting myself, seeing that Here I am and I accept me. Because the thing is that ME incorporate everything of me, everything I’ve ever done and said and by accepting that premise, by accepting that conglomerate, I also accept and embrace all the mistakes that I have done. I say to myself that despite all the shit I’ve done, I am still here. I still see me, I am still with me, I still stand by me, because I acknowledge and actively encourage that I as “ME” exist.

The next question is then: How will I live ME as a word that connects me/grounds me back in the essence of who I am, as ALL of what I am and STOP living me as a ‘sticky’ word to which I attach anything and everything of myself and take so personal?

One thing I can do is to watch out for those moments where I am busy defining myself, whether in writing, in speaking or in thinking for example through using the words “I am…” and especially also in moments where I become stuck and time loop in relation to a certain aspect of me (like the pimple example I shared before) because I now think that “OMG, THIS IS WHO I AM” and even solidify myself further into this particular aspect by accepting and insisting even on identifying myself as this aspect and making it a “thing” inside myself, something emotional and horrible and embarrassing mostly, something that cripples me and prevents me from living my potential and then spend all my time focusing on it being that, instead of focusing on supporting myself to change who I am and use supportive aspects of myself to do that. Another point is to remind myself of ALL that I am, see the totality of me (that I can see), the whole body instead of just the pimple on the chin.

What about/of ME do I have to change to live in a way that is supportive for myself?

I know I have to change my relationship with my body. In my process, this is a major point. And obviously, to not accept or allow myself to “go with the flow” of the mind, but to direct myself in awareness, in every moment. Interestingly enough, when I look at it this way, it becomes very simple.

Reacting to People Who Assume They are Automatically Right. DAY 385


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Superior authorityThere is a person in my world whom I have perceived and reacted to as always thinking that they are right, that their perspective is obviously correct at all times, and that they are going as far as seeing other people’s point of view as ridiculous and stupid, whenever they don’t agree with them. I have been struggling for a long time when having discussions with this person because I perceive – and react to them as being absolutist in assuming that their statements/perspectives are automatically right, no matter their level of expertise or experience with the subject.

So I have been looking at my reactions towards this and asked myself why I react so much to this, because in reality, it is not like I have to care. It is not like something bad happens to me just because someone else makes an absolute statement. The interesting thing however is that it feels that way to me, especially when discussing subjects that are ‘close to my heart’ towards which I may experience myself being more vulnerable and more protective.

An example could be that I say to this person that when I have a child I will co-sleep with my child as I see it as a natural thing to do and then the other person saying something like “Don’t do that. That’s not going to work at all. That’s just some hippie bullshit. I never did that with my children and they are all fine.”

In that moment, I am absolutely clear on my perspective because often times it will be something I have investigated and researched over a lengthy period of time, or I will simply have a different life experience with the point causing me to see things differently from this person.

In looking deeper at the experience that comes up within me when I discuss with this person, it is a feeling of them forcing their ‘reality’ on me, because they are saying (or what I am hearing them say) is “THIS IS THE TRUTH, and whatever perspective you have, it is just dumb and silly and how stupid can you be for ever considering something like that?”

I see where the person is coming from in for example being older than me and therefore coming from a different generation which has affected them in seeing the world a certain way, but I also see myself as having expanded from that into a new world-view while still being aware of the old world view that they hold, but it is entirely impossible for me to share this with them. This is definitely a generational issue and many older people have this issue towards those who are younger, which in fact means that they miss out on a lot by holding onto an idea of knowing more by default.

My current strategy is to get as quickly out of these discussions as possible, because I do not see any practical or constructive point with them and it makes me extremely uncomfortable to engage in, even for five minutes. I can sit and listen passively virtually without reacting, unless I perceive the other person is being demeaning towards people with a different perspective, but I cannot engage without reacting.

So in looking at this, I can see that the reaction stems from childhood and from the experience of being treated poorly and without respect by adults. There would be this general agreement and assumption that, because you are a kid, your perspectives are automatically naïve and unworthy to consider, and obviously in some instances they would be naïve, which shouldn’t really be something to mock or ridicule something over in the first place, but in other instances, I might actually see common sense and the adult might for instance be in a possession of anger, jealousy or in a certain belief-system and STILL they would call me out to be the stupid one whose perspectives didn’t matter.

This I found so horribly unjust and unfair and it frustrated me to a degree where I experienced physical pain because of it and I grew to despise and hate adults and see them as being lying, manipulative and untrustworthy and I stopped asking those (“silly, stupid’) questions and share my perspectives on things, which is a shame.

It is the same experience I have today where I see someone older than me assuming an automatic perception of authority despite sometimes coming from an extremely limited worldview, or even giving themselves the prerogative to make assumptions (that I more experience as commandments) about my life and how I conduct certain things in my life, as though because they automatically know better, they also have a right to interfere with my life decisions.

So as with all reactions, I had to also look at the question: “Where am I doing this in my own life?” Because if I was not reacting I could simply let it slide and assign it to this person being stuck in a self-perception of being an authority, like there is no one that says that I have to be affected by this or allow it to influence me in any way. At best, I could even assist and support the person to see what they are doing and maybe even start transforming their way of communicating with others.

But because I am reacting so strongly, it is showing me that what I am experiencing is not about the other person, but in fact about me. It exists in me. And one side of that is what I mentioned about being reminded about the power dynamics I experienced with adults growing up. The other side is the fact that I equally allow myself to live this ‘self-proclaimed authority figure’ and do so in a way that I suppress it to myself, because I know that it is not actually cool to do, as I have experienced the consequences of it as a child myself.

So how I have seen myself do this is for example towards my partner or in moments of reacting in superiority to other people for whatever reason (like making up reasons of seniority or maturity or whatever) in specific moments, and I have even seen myself go as far as to the point of being ridiculing towards another person, exactly as I have experienced this person being towards me.

It is so interesting to look at it from this other person’s perspective, because obviously it is a dimension of superiority, because the justification of treating another person this way, comes from an idea of being ‘way up there’ beyond them, untouchable, out of their league basically and thus also looking way down on the other person and seeing them as less than, thereby within this fuzzy logic concluding that “my perspectives are automatically ‘right’ or ‘superior’ and their perspectives are automatically ‘wrong’ or ‘inferior’.

When I have experienced myself being in this state, there is this like ‘watertight’ quality to it, from the perspective of it being absolutist in nature, of simply assuming that you are automatically right without even as much as questioning the points.

As such, having discussions with people in this state is in fact completely pointless and it isn’t in fact even a real discussion, because in a discussion one is open to listening and taking the other person’s perspective into consideration.
And as such, I do agree with my strategy of simply not engaging in these discussions and to only do so from the perspective of sharing myself unconditionally and supporting the other to see what they are accepting and allowing.

To get to a point of being able to do that, I will here walk a self-forgiveness process to release myself from the energies of reaction that has come up within me.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume a state of believing that I am automatically and by default ‘more right’ in relation to another person that I then believe to be automatically ‘more wrong’ due to an idea about myself as being more experienced, more knowing or intelligent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is physically impossible to ALWAYS and AUTOMATICALLY be right and that by assuming that this is so, not realize how much I miss out on that I could learn from other people and also how I compromise my relationship with them and compromise them by relating to them as though they are inferior and less than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not for a second question my authority within believing that I am right, because I have created an absolutist belief about who I am in relation to the other person based on comparison, elitism and the polarity of superiority and inferiority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself the prerogative to demean and ridicule another person based on the idea, belief and justification within me that I am superior to them and that they are wrong for being inferior and therefore I have a right and even an obligation to ‘educate’ them by teaching them what’s right, without realizing, caring about or considering how I am affecting them.

I forgive myself that I, as a child, accepted and allowed myself to feel desperate and frustrated and trapped within experiencing that I was being treated unjustly and unfairly by adults, that I couldn’t do anything about because they didn’t see me, but only saw an idea about me, related to an idea about themselves as being an adult, because there was a part of me that respected, honored and believed in their authority over me and therefore accepted that they were right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to respect, honor and believe in others having authority or seniority over me as an automatic default position, which is basically a static idea that has nothing to do with reality and as such, this assumption that some can have automatic authority is flawed which is what I saw as a child but experienced myself unable to do anything about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience that someone who assumes automatic authority over me by for example stating that their opinion about me or my life is automatically correct and that I am stupid for seeing it any other way, is taking something from me, and is threatening me, when in fact, since I am no longer a child and I have legal authority over myself (to a certain extent, but that’s another story), another’s opinion cannot affect or touch me unless I allow it to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate authority and responsibility for myself, by accepting the premise that another’s opinion can affect me and dictate to me what I should and shouldn’t do simply because I am used to others having authority over me and since childhood have accepted that it is a reality and fact that others can and will have absolute authority over me, even know I know instinctually that it is not physically possible

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience bitterness and blame towards the person who exerted authority on me within blaming them for how their behavior makes me feel, when it is in fact a decision I have made on my own, to create and accept that experience as real, instead of realizing that their behavior is habitual, and that they equally as I, have learned to behave this way from adults in their childhood

Self-Corrective Statement

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to react to another making an absolute statement within an opinion where I experience that feeling of being trapped and invaded upon, I stop and I breathe.

I realize that no one can exert authority on me in this context and that I don’t have to respond in any way to their opinion

I commit myself to push the point of seeing how I can support another to realize that they cannot make automatic assumptions about being right and to, if I see that I cannot support them, to simply walk away, not respond or just smile and nod as it is pointless to argue with someone who assumes that they are automatically right.

When and as I see that I, in conversations with another am making assumptions that I am automatically right, I stop and I breathe.

I realize that it is physically impossible for me to automatically be right and therefore that I can be missing out on so much by making this assumption, including creating consequences for another by treating them as inferior to me

I commit myself to humble myself and to remind myself of this whenever I experience myself as superior to another

Life’s a Drag? DAY 384


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dragging your feetHave you ever stopped to consider why life sometimes feels like a drag? Where you are literally dragging your feet behind you on a daily basis and it feels like you just don’t want to do anything?

For almost as far as I can remember, I have on and off perceived life and living as something that I was forced to do, as a burden. There has also been times when I did not have this experience, because what I was doing was self-directed and self-created, but those experiences has been far and few between.

And when I for once had the opportunity to ‘opt out’, ‘play hooky’ and ‘check out’ for a longer period than a couple of hours or a day, I grabbed it, for example when being sick. I threw myself into this ‘break from the burden of life’ and spent the next few weeks doing as little as absolutely possible. Mostly I laid on the couch or the bed, sleeping or watching TV. I didn’t however commit so completely to this that it was just a purely positive experience. I felt constant guilt for not moving, for not doing things, for not getting things done, for letting others do the work for me.

After almost two weeks I started getting very frustrated with myself and I had come to this point of feeling like I cannot move myself, even though I know in self-honesty that I can and that I have induced myself into this state of lethargy and listlessness.

So I started asking myself the following question: With who I am, as who I want to be, why have I accepted and allowed myself to go into this state? It doesn’t match with who I want to be, with the things I want to achieve in life, with the example I want to stand as. And as I looked back on my life, I realized that I for many years, and in periods, more or less, have perceived life as an obligation, a little like school, as something that I am forced to do.

This has especially been the case the last couple of years where I have increasingly experienced more apathy and resistance towards going up in the morning, feeling burdened by the pressures of my daily responsibilities. I had more and more gotten sucked into the experience that I was doing everything only because I had to, because someone, something else told me to.

To this story I have to add that I have spent most of my late teen and early adult life trying to free myself from the grips of authority, from others telling me who to be, what to do, and I succeeded to some degree. But what I did not realize was that I was still being governed by something else telling me who to be, namely the mind, and I had nothing to show for my apparent independence from life. I was in no way making a difference in the world, let alone preventing anyone else from having to go through what I have gone through.

I matured and I eventually realized that there is a purpose to things like having a job and getting an education, and that this purpose first and foremost has to do with actually making a difference in this world, and thus making something more of my life.

But somehow, in all of that, I still carried with me this perception of being forced to do the things I did, where it is basically like school where you are told that you are there for you, that you are there for YOUR learning, but where it is evident that you have no choice or say in the matter.

The thing is though: in life, I do. I decide what my life is going to look like. I decide whether I spend my days on this earth watching TV and eating Cheetos or whether I push myself to get up and make a difference. There is nothing and no one forcing me either way. And yes, there are things that I HAVE to do, because that is just how life is. There are certain physical requirements that life demands that we take care of, like taking the dishes or taking out the trash, if we don’t want to life a life of total squalor. And there are certain structural requirements that the world system demands of us, like showing up for work in order to get paid. There are especially many of those requirements that I do not agree with, or that I see can be changed, or that I even see that it isn’t actually required for me to follow. But there are also many where I understand that I do not have a choice, simply because of how things are set up.

So what I realized is that I have to WILL myself to do those things anyways. I have to make myself the starting-point of them, even though I may not WANT to or FEEL like doing them, and even though I don’t necessarily agree with them. I WANT to live in a clean and tidy house because I know from experience that it is nicer to live in. That means that I WILL myself to do the dishes, to vacuum and dust and do all the things required to keep my house clean and tidy. That does not mean that I am in any way forced to do any of those things. I can at any point prioritize that it is NOT important to have a tidy house at the moment, because perhaps it is more important to take a rest or spend time with my partner. It is the same with work. I CAN actually opt out of working, but obviously I would have to be ok with the consequences of not having a paycheck, but that doesn’t mean that it is an impossible choice. Virtually anything is possible, if I only I am WILLING to live with the consequences.

If I want the life I want, a life where my partner and I support each other in taking care of the household, a life where our physical environment thrives and is a nice place to life in, a life where I earn a decent living to support myself and my partner, yes there are certain things I HAVE to do. But I am doing them because I WANT TO, because I understand that that is what is required to create the life I want.

Redefining the Word RESISTANCE. DAY 383


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ResistanceWhat is resistance? Is it La Résistance, a courageous 1940’s French underground civil right’s movement, standing up against the oppressors of liberty? Or is it an electrical term for something that blocks current and flow? Could it also be a psychological term for the mechanisms we activate when we face something uncomfortable? Let’s explore the word RESISTANCE

My current understanding of the word.

Resistance is an interesting word, because in a way I have defined it as a positive word as it, before I knew about it in a mind-context, understood the word in a World War II context where the resistance were the ‘good guys’ who fought against the evil occupation. The resistance were the people who had the courage to free us from the oppressors. Another positive definition of resistance is that of something being ’resistent’, like being ’resistent’ towards infection.

On a conscious level I understand that I tend to resist things that requires effort or that requires me to go beyond my comfort zone, things I fear. But I definitely see that I, within the mind, have made quite an ’allegiance’ with the word resistance as something that I honor and adhere to, and therefore also often struggle to push through.

Dictionary Definition

1. The act or an instance of resisting or the capacity to resist.
2. A force that tends to oppose or retard motion.
3. often Resistance An underground organization engaged in a struggle for national liberation in a country under military or totalitarian occupation.
4. Psychology A process in which the ego opposes the conscious recall of anxiety-producing experiences.
5. Biology
a. The capacity of an organism to defend itself against a disease.
b. The capacity of an organism or a tissue to withstand the effects of a harmful environmental agent.
6. Medicine The inability of a cell, tissue, or organ to respond to a certain hormone, drug, or other biologically active substance in a desired way: insulin resistance
7. Electricity The opposition of a body or substance to current passing through it, resulting in a change of electrical energy into heat or another form of energy.
8. Thermal resistance.

Etymology (origin of the word):

resistance (n.)
mid-14c., from Old French resistance, earlier resistence, from Late Latin resistentia, from present participle stem of Latin resistere “make a stand against, oppose” (see resist). Meaning “organized covert opposition to an occupying or ruling power” [OED] is from 1939. Electromagnetic sense is from 1860. Path of least resistance is from 1825, originally a term in science and engineering.

resist (v.)
late 14c., from Old French resister “hold out against” (14c.), from Latin resistere “to make a stand against, oppose; to stand back; withstand,” from re- “against” (see re-) + sistere “take a stand, stand firm” (see assist). Related: Resisted; resisting.

Sounding of the Word


Creative writing

When looking at the definitions of the word outlined above, there are a couple of things that stand out. First of all, the definition within electrical terms of resistance being something that prevents a current/flow from passing through a body, reminds me of how resistance affects me on a mental level, how it literally blocks flow. And when I looked at the ‘antidote words’ to live as a means to push through resistance it was exactly words like ‘flow’, ‘fluidity’, ‘flexible’ and ‘push’ which again reminds me of water, but where the solution is then to let things flow through the body rather than trying to block them with resistance.

When I read the etymological definition related to ‘resisting forces’ what I thought of was how the word resistance in a way has been hijacked by the mind, that it is a word that is lived in reverse. Because in this context, we as beings within the body ought to resist the mind (as an occupant ruling force).

What is also interesting in this context is that when I experience resistance, it is the mind reacting to itself. Have a look: the experience of resistance is a mental (projected onto the physical) experience TOWARDS other mental experiences such as fear, meaning where we resist doing something because we fear it. The mind does not protect us with resistance against an ‘evil overlord’. It is doing it all to itself! The mistake we make is to believe the image we are shown, where we focus all our attention on the object of our resistance, and the resistance itself being a ‘logical’, ‘supportive’ and ‘positive’ response for example to fear.

Interestingly enough the words ‘resist’ comes from the two words ‘against’ and ‘take a stand/stand firm’ and so in a way, it is like the word in fact means EXACTLY that: to be AGAINST taking a stand, to be AGAINST standing firm. Because what do we do when fear comes up? We listen to the fear, we believe the fear, we want to soothe the fear and we do as fear commands, which most often are to retreat, to NOT speak, to NOT act, to NOT change.

Even the expression “the path of least resistance” has become something obscure and twisted, and it is an expression I can relate very well to, in the sense of avoiding anything that causes friction or requires pushing – and so to in fact, adhere so much to resistance, than you don’t even have to experience resistance because you have long been avoiding anything that could cause you to experience resistance and have so, made life very easy and safe and convenient and complacent for yourself. Here we could even redefine “the path of least resistance” as the complete opposite whereby through pushing through resistance, through not accepting resistance as a premise that one adhere to, one start creating flow and fluidity in one’s life.

Lastly, I looked at the definition of resistance being a ‘force that prevents motion’, because that is certainly accurate in the context of the mind process. When we resist, we halt our process and the more we resist, the more stagnated we become.

For me, I have created a very intimate relationship with the word resistance, in the sense of it being something that I feel is very close to me, where I ‘choose me’, where I am being ‘nice’ to me. If I were to give it an image, it reminds me of a mother saying to her child “Oh you don’t want to go to school today? Ok then stay home, let’s play hooky and stay home and eat pancakes all day.”

So when I resist something I know I should do/that is best for me, it feels very positive and caring, but obviously because I know it really isn’t, it also creates massive conflict, guilt and worry within me, not to mention self-judgment and blame.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a positive energetic relationship with the word resistance, based on association with the word resistance as something I do where I ‘stand up against oppressors’ and avert danger and so because of this have created a relationship with resistance where I feel protected by it and supported by it and therefore adhere to it without question

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to let go of my positive relationship towards resistance because I use resistance to avoid doing things I don’t feel like or want to do or that I fear and that I then feel protects ‘my interests’, not realizing that these are in fact the interests of the mind, to NOT allow movement or change, but to remain in a state of passivity and non-movement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop such a relationship with resistance where I almost immediately bend, fold and retreat and so have made resistance a directive principle within me that I automatically allow to guide and direct my decisions and movements during my day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not admit to myself and realize that resistance is not an effective way of dealing with things, because all it does is to postpone the inevitable in many instances and it creates an energetic wall that has to be upheld which requires mental and physical strain that could have been used to rather sort through that which I am resistant towards so that I may actually expand and change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship with resistance in my mind where I use backchat and self-talk to talk myself into justifying not doing something that I resist, because I know that it is not self-honest or common sense and so therefore I have to deliberately deceive myself to convince myself that not doing it is ok and acceptable

Self-Corrective Statement

When and as I see something that I need to do/that I know would be supportive for me to do and that I have time for in this moment, I first of all push myself to practice doing it then and there, immediately in the moment, and then when I see the resistance coming up, most often as a feeling and backchat of “but I don’t feel like it” or “I don’t want to do it now”, I stop and I breathe – and I remind myself that I am NOT busy resisting an oppressing authority but am in fact playing mind games in my mind and I instead look in common sense and self-honesty at whether it would be best for me to do this things now. Also, when and as I see that I am starting to speak to myself in the mind, where I start saying things like “oh but I can do that tomorrow, I don’t feel like it right now” I stop and I push myself to not accept the premise of this thought.

I realize that I have associated the word resistance with something positive, as something that protects me from danger and that I owe my allegiance to and that this is the reason why I have refused to let go of my relationship with resistance and because it allowed me to stay in a comfort zone of convenience and complacency.

I realize that resistance in fact is a mind-game that the mind is playing with itself because it resists its own created experiences of fear or discomfort and so the entire validation of resistance of something protective goes completely out the window.

I commit myself to introduce flow and fluidity into my life through pushing through resistance and to remind myself that beyond resistance is flow and fluidity, and so I won’t be in the experience of resistance and pushing forever, like breaking a dam to let the water flow freely for the first time – what a relief.

I commit myself to challenge and change my relationship with resistance in the moment where I see resistance coming up within me, and I commit myself to bring my attention and focus back from focusing on the object of my resistance, which I realize is a smokescreen as it isn’t about this or that, but about resisting something because it makes me uncomfortable, challenges me, scares me or demands an effort from me. And I realize that the more I push through resistance, the less I will resist and the more I will flow.

Redefinition of the word Resistance

A force that prevents movement and flow.

(In the context of the mind, it is how the mind protects itself against itself and thereby creates a loop that prevents movement and change)

Embracing My Shortcomings instead of Sinking into a Hole of Depression. DAY 382


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pit of depressionI have noticed lately that my most recent blogs have been about ‘taboo’ subjects, at least to me; subjects that are hard to write about, that are difficult to admit and difficult to share with others. I share these points here because I see how important it is to share and open up about such subjects, the ‘dark’ or ‘shadow’ sides of our lives and living, which we most often do not talk about or even reflect on in ourselves. I do it to support myself, but also to support others who may be facing the same or similar points in their lives – so that we can all start opening up about these experiences and start working our way through them, to transcend them and empower ourselves through standing up from them.

This is another such point.

I have a pattern in my life that I call a ‘hole’. The hole is a mental space I drop into from time to time, a state of depression. When I drop into this space within my mind, it is usually because I have done something that I am ashamed of or that I know isn’t best for me or others, or when I make mistakes or fall in processes I am walking, and so I go into this space where I starting thinking and feeling like everything is ‘not good’ but primarily that I am not good.

The thoughts and emotions that come up center around me not ‘doing good’ or ‘not being enough’ and as I allow myself to fall further and further into it, I start feeling more and more depressed about my self and I start seeing myself in all areas of my life as ‘not good enough’ and fear starts coming up within me that the whole thing (my life) is going to collapse and fail.

I start becoming ‘numb’ (a state of suppression) within myself, feel lethargic and I experience apathy and I do not want to apply self-forgiveness or work on myself. All I want to do is to be left alone and not have to deal with anything.

In the past, when I went into the ‘hole’ it could get quite bad and there has been times where I am in the ‘hole’ for weeks and a couple of times even months at a time. In the recent years it has not at all been so bad and it is mostly a matter of some hours or at the most a day or two, but what has often happened is that I simply wait it out or I speak with my partner or something ‘positive’ happens that pulls me out of the hole and I forget about it. Very rarely have I written about it, and in those instances, it has mostly been about what my experiences in the hole are centered around, not being good enough for example.

It is however a particular pattern and it is the pattern that I am going to write about here, because I see how the entire ‘circle’ of how this pattern plays out (because it happens in the same sequence each time), is what repeats over time.

So in looking at this pattern, what I see is that I am accessing defense and protection mechanisms as well as taking my own mistakes personal. So when I do something, as a mistake or a fall, I could’ve immediately picked myself up again and see how I can correct myself. I could have not seen it as something ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’, but because I do, because I take it persona, I go into self-judgment, and what is so interesting is that, to protect myself from my own self-judgment (which is a form of self-abuse), I access a state of suppression and hiding (the numbness I spoke of earlier) as well as self-victimization and self-pity, which is caused by the polarity of self-judgment. So now I am in a split inside my mind where part of me hates on myself and the other part is trying to defend myself from this hate.

Looking at it from the mind’s perspective (where its single command is to protect its own survival), this is quite an effective cycle, because I am now totally distracted from the original ‘sin’ and am not in any way focused on solutions, or on supporting myself to change, because I am first of all in a state of total suppression and secondly because I am caught in this polarity seesaw of going back and forth between self-judgment and self-victimization. It is perfect in a sense, because one can keep this up for a long time – and the only reason I’ve been able to stop it, is due to the support I’ve been given, having a partner who ‘checks’ me and having worked with stopping self-judgment, so I for the most part do not actually believe or accept myself as ‘not good enough’.

The fact that I do from time to time access this pattern however, indicates that there is still a part of me that accepts me as not good enough, but as I mentioned, it has actually more to do with the fact that I take my mistakes personal and then go into hiding from myself, all ‘perfectly orchestrated’ because it ends up with me NOT going back to the original point and taking responsibility for that.


I forgive myself that I take it personal when I make a mistake, miss a point, fall in a process or do something I know is not best, within immediately holding it against myself and judging myself as being ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’ and ‘not good enough’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace my own imperfection within the context of not always being how I would prefer to be, or act in a way I would prefer to act in, and so, within embracing my shortcomings, support myself to stand up and change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect perfection of myself, to expect myself NOT to make mistakes, NOT to miss points, NOT to fall, NOT to do things that I know aren’t best, within having created a delusional ideal of how I believe I am supposed to be, and at times even how I believe that I am, and so when I do not live up to my own expectations of perfection, come down hard on myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and accept as real the belief that I am not allowed, and that it is unacceptable, unforgivable even, for me to make mistakes, miss points, fall in processes I am walking and not always doing what is best from within a starting-point of moral judgment of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ as positive and negative characteristics

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to split myself into two, to separate myself from myself when I make a mistake, miss a point, fall or don’t do what is best, where one part of me goes into self-judgment, self-loathing and self-hate, and the other feels attacked, abused and feels like I need to protect myself from my own judgment by going into suppression, self-victimization and self-pity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how self-judgment is a form of self-abuse where I stand AGAINST myself, in separation of and from myself, causing me to split in two and go into suppression and hiding from my own self-abuse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into suppression to not have to face or experience the abuse of my own self-judgment over what I have done and within that go into another layer of self-abuse where I don’t support myself to stop or change, but go into ‘numbness’ which eventually turns into self-destructive behaviors where I throw my self-support out the window and go into a state of “fuck it” towards myself and the world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within my state of self-suppression and self-destructiveness go into apathy and lethargy where I don’t want to do anything or support myself and within that don’t do anything and simply let things be until I eventually snap out of it or the energy runs out, but where I do nothing to change the original mistake I made or prevent myself from accessing the cycle again, because now everything is apparently ‘ok’ again and I am ‘over it’ and ‘out of the hole’ and so I just forget about it and suppress it all, until it happens again next time

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I make a mistake, miss a point, fall in a process or do something I know isn’t best, and I see myself participating in thoughts of it being ‘wrong’ and that I am supposed to be ‘better’ and ‘perfect’, I stop and I breathe

I realize that me expecting myself to be perfect, to NOT make mistakes, to NOT miss points, to NOT fall or do things that I know isn’t best, is unrealistic and is causing me to take myself personal and think/believe that I am doing something, wrong, unacceptable and unforgivable and in the end causing me to give up on myself and not take responsibility for myself

I commit myself to stop expecting myself to be perfect

When and as I see that I am reacting to the fact that I have made a mistake, missed a point, fallen in a process or done something that I know isn’t best, I stop and I breathe.

I realize that me reacting to something I do, is the starting-point of the cycle of me going into the hole, and I realize that this is a self-sabotage pattern that eventually ends up with me not correcting myself or take responsibility for myself.

I commit myself to embrace myself when I do something that isn’t best, a mistake, miss a point or fall in a process and immediately look at how I can support myself to correct myself

Embracing The Evil Within. DAY 381


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embrace the evil withinIn one of my previous posts, I wrote about a phenomenon where we as women become controlling towards men. I am here diving even deeper into this pattern as I have realized that there are more dimensions to the point, and it is in fact multi-dimensional in nature. There are for example aspects of this pattern that are specifically related to male/female dynamics (and here I was reminded of classic 90’s sitcoms centered around a family where the man is ‘lazy’ and ‘relaxed’ and the female is always cleaning and being grumpy), but other aspects of this pattern are in fact more relate to how we in general interact with each other as human beings, how we were brought up ourselves and what we were taught in school.

How this pattern manifests in my day-to-day living is in my interactions with my partner, especially around housework (cleaning, cooking, maintenance etc.) where I will see (through a filter in my mind, which I will come back to) my partner as being ’careless’, ’inconsiderate’ and ’sloppy’ (a more specific definition of what I defined as ‘stupid’ in my previous post).

The situations that emerge can be as simple as my partner not putting the things he have used back where he took them or brushing up against one of my plants when vacuuming; simple mistakes or moments of inconsideration that could virtually be done by any person, myself included.

The experience that comes up within me in these moments is one of immense irritation, frustration and anger; with the primary charge is one of judgment, condemnation and contempt. When discussing this particular character that I access when my partner, I could see how I, not in a conscious but in an emotional way, experienced myself as being way high above my partner, looking down on him as a puny little thing and wanting to squash him under my foot, obviously not in a literal sense – but that is how I would translate the experience within my to a visual image; quite brutal.

So we started diving deeper into this pattern and investigated where this comes from. Because obviously my partner is not what I see him as within this reaction pattern – it comes from within me and thus is about me.

First of all, I saw that the judgment has to do with seeing it as unacceptable to be inconsiderate, careless and sloppy, the first two more so than the last. In fact, when looking at examples where this reaction comes up, I most often have no issue with the action my partner took, like dragging in dirt onto a clean floor for example. I fully understand and appreciate that this is a mistake we can all make, and it is nothing worse than it can’t simply be corrected by sweeping the floor and making sure one takes off one’s shoes before going into the house. So what I have an ‘issue’ with is not even the actions themselves, but what I believe they represent of my partner, and thus who I believe he is as he does these things, which is ‘careless’, ‘inconsiderate’ and ‘sloppy’. As I allowed this character to come through and speak, so that I could investigate it together with my partner, it was clear that it was a character of righteousness and moral judgment. The backchat that comes up are thoughts like “How CAN he be SO inconsiderate!!??” in a very distinct high-pitched, scorn, self-righteous and subtly victimizing female voice.

My partner asked me to go even deeper in the pattern, because he saw that there must be more to it than me simply adhering to a specific set of rules and principles that I react with judgment to, when they aren’t followed.

So we started looking at and questioning whether I behave in the same or similar ways, where and whether I am inconsiderate, careless and sloppy. When my partner asked me about that, an interesting thing happened: the character inside myself shifted from being this ’up on a high horse’ self-righteous one to feeling incredibly ashamed of myself and memories started surfacing of aspects of myself that I had judged as being careless, inconsiderate and sloppy.

See, I have never seen myself as a perfectionist or as someone who is particularly good at cleaning or taking care of a house. It is in fact something quite new to me as it is something I have been practicing and perfecting during the past couple of years. I was a lazy teenager and I virtually refused to help my mother around the house. It wasn’t until a very distinct moment where I observed my older cousin (she was in her early twenties, I was around thirteen) and how helpful she was and how people around her responded to her in a positive way because of it. I made a conclusion in my mind that if I were more helpful around the house, people would like me better. It is a distinct memory, because it was only after this event, that I decided that it might be best if I were more helpful. Until then, I simply didn’t care.

What I have been able to see from all of this is that I judge being inconsiderate, careless and sloppy as something that is distinctly BAD and WRONG and as something that I have been ashamed about within myself. I also see that I have fully believed and accepted that ’bad behavior’ warrants judgment and condemnation, so I judge others exactly as I judge myself.

This is very similar to another belief that is also connected to this point, which is the belief that it is WRONG and BAD to be selfish, egotistical or vain, and so these aspects of ourselves must be suppressed and hidden because it is so shameful to admit that one has acted in self-interest or vanity, that this behavior is not allowed to see the light of day. Interestingly enough, this way of looking at such behavior does in no way foster change as it simply states that ”It is not allowed to be this way” as though that in itself somehow magically would change a person or how they behave.

To change aspects of ourselves we have to embrace them, because only by embracing them (which is also accepting the premise that they are there) can we see them fully and thus understand them for what they are.

Going a layer deeper, what I have come to realize is at the core of this pattern, is a fear that I am evil, but not just a fear of being evil, but a fear of others seeing me as evil, being exposed as evil and being ostracized, judged and condemned for it.

So whenever my partner does something that I, in my mind considers to be inconsiderate or careless, I judge him as doing something evil, and by distancing myself from this behavior through massive judgment, I believe myself to be distancing myself from my own evil.

A particular memory stands out to illustrate how this works:

When I was four years old, I deliberately hit a younger girl on the playground. I clearly remember how I wanted to hit her, simply because I wanted to – it was in a sense ‘pure evil’. When I hit her she started crying and I panicked in fear imagining the teachers coming and yelling at me and THAT I did not want. So I started goofing around with the girl to get her to stop crying.

I did not feel guilty or remorse for hitting the girl. I didn’t care about the fact that I had hurt her. I cared about being exposed and judged as being BAD and that was what I didn’t want.

This is what is so dysfunctional about child/adult relationships. By yelling at children, by shaming them and judging them, we teach them to fear how others react to them – NOT to understand consequence, not to become emphatic and place oneself in the shoes of another. What this means is that we become ‘stuck’, encapsulated in a way in these moments where, we never get to reflect on or embrace these aspects of ourselves that are not BEST, because we learn to hide, suppress, shame and judge them into oblivion – except it isn’t oblivion because we haven’t actually dealt with them, they are still there, only now we act them out in secret, in shame, in hiding, which makes it even more difficult to confront and change.

So what I have done is that I have defined self-interested and potentially consequential behavioral patterns as taboo, not because I actually see them as such in self-honesty, but because I have adopted my environments reactions in a fear of being exposed, ostracized and categorized as evil and thereby experience shame and isolation (like the kid that is placed outside the door in school).

The solution I see is to embrace our ‘evil’ sides, the sides of ourselves that do not care about others, that acts deliberately in self-interest and without care for the well-being of others, the sides of us that are vain and self-absorbed, the sides of us that are deliberately spiteful and nasty towards others, the sides of us that are abusive and malignant and get a feeling of power from pushing others down. All of these are aspects of being human that we have condemned as being ‘unacceptable’ – but we have done it in such a way that we instead of enabling ourselves to take responsibility for these aspects of ourselves and change, we suppress, hide, ignore, distract, deflect, virtually do anything and everything possible to get away from these sides of ourselves, anything but actually embracing them and standing up within and from them.

So – when something is unacceptable, it does not mean that the solution is to condemn it or pretend it isn’t there. This is however not the same as enabling such behavior, in oneself or in another. By admitting/exposing that something is unacceptable due to the starting-point and consequence it creates, we can support ourselves and one another to walk a process of changing that, which is unacceptable within us. We can accept the fact that it is here now and at the same time not accept it to continue into the future.

By not accepting it, we deny, suppress, ignore which ironically has the opposite effect of what we intend: it remains active and functional within us, albeit in the shadows and secrets of our minds, to which we have less access because these suppression mechanisms use veiling and deception to remain hidden.

Evil has been a theme throughout my life. I have often believed myself to be evil, for various reasons, but one of them being that I did not seem to have the same moral compass that others had, and at some point I asked someone why I always saw myself as evil. He said: “because you don’t trust yourself.” I pondered about that for many years and I came to the conclusion that it meant that I wasn’t actually evil and that the problem was simply that I didn’t trust myself to accept that. What I realize now is that what I did not trust was myself with evil. I did not trust myself to be able to direct myself as the evil inside of me, and so I got caught up in hiding the parts of myself I judged as evil, instead of focusing on changing them – which is ultimately what we as adults ought to support children to do.

By embracing my own evil, I embrace all of me, not just the parts that I like or prefer about myself. By embracing my own evil, I no longer have to pretend NOT to be evil, to FIGHT to be good – and this means that I can change these aspects of myself, by no longer seeing them as taboos that I cannot and should not touch or admit exists.

Being inconsiderate and careless are symptomatic effects of who we has become as humanity. Our entire consumerist society is created on this basis. And yet, we constantly try to deny it, fight it, compensate for it and while we do that, it only gets worse and worse. It can be consequential to ourselves, others and the world around us if we are careless and inconsiderate, yes. Our starting-point within being inconsiderate or careless can be self-interested, yes. But condemning these parts of ourselves is not the solution, even when it is done deliberately, within spite or malignancy.

Very few of us have grown up in environments where we have been supported to become whole human beings with effective communication and life skills. Most of what we have learned from the generations that have gone before us has been dysfunctional, destructive and abusive in nature, even in so-called ‘normal’ families. So it is no wonder that we haven’t learned to consider others or to care about others, let alone ourselves. We got quite a process ahead of us to learn how to be supportive and effective human beings, who contribute more worth to this world than we destroy. And in this process we are going to face some nasty truths about each other and ourselves, but based on the evidence I have seen over the past 7 years, we have the tools to change and transform ourselves, even in the most evil parts and aspects – and in fact: we cannot do it, without ALSO facing, embracing and changing these aspects, because they are part of us and who we have become, whether we like it or not.

Yes, I did not care about hurting another human being. Yes, I cheated. Yes I stole and yes I lied. I did not care about you or your family because I cared about was myself, getting ahead in the world, getting applause. Yes, I said something nasty to you, just to see the hurt look in your eyes so I could feel like I was better than you. This was evil. I embrace myself as evil and I am here now, deciding to CARE, deciding to LISTEN, deciding to act in a way that is best for all, deciding to consider the consequences of my actions and expand my considerations until they encompass all of existence. I am here to learn how to care FOR REAL, not because some adult threatens me to, or tells me to apologize, while not caring about whether I mean it. I am walking a process of learning how to live in a way that is not abusive towards anything or anyone, even myself, because I see that this is what is best – this is the best I can do, the best I can become and I do not see how my life can have any worth, value or purpose if I do not walk this process. I am doing it for me yes, for all of us – but I am NOT doing it out of fear of being punished, exposed or isolated by proponents of moral judgments, outside myself or inside my head. I am not hiding my evil or condemning others for the evil in them, because it is the same evil that exists in all of us, and it is a part of us, a destructive, consequential part of us, but still a part of us.

Exactly as we cannot change societies by opting out of them and pretending like they don’t exist, we also cannot change ourselves by condemning parts of ourselves. We have to change them from within and to do that, we need to understand them, how we created them, what beliefs we are stuck within. And to do that, we need to embrace them within ourselves, because by embracing them we wrap ourselves around them with care, consideration and support, we hold them unconditionally inside ourselves and recognize them as parts of ourselves that needs guidance, forgiveness and support to change. Exactly as the adults should have done with us when we were young.

I’ll share a few other posts I have written on this subject, if you would like to dive more into it:

Life Quality and Quality Time. DAY 380


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life quality




Do you have Life Quality, Quality of Life? Do you spend your Time within doing things that are of Quality to you, and what does Quality mean to you? I discovered that, to me, Quality means that what I am doing has Worth, Meaning and Purpose and that what I decide to spend my Time on, this Precious Time that we so Humbly have available to us for a Moment, can be of Quality, if I re-authenticate myself as the Directive Principle of my life, as the Authority that makes Decisions based on the Principle of what is Best for All.

The two terms ‘life quality’ and ‘quality time’ are terms that we often use to speak about how it is best to live, and how we should change our prioritizes to have more meaningful lives and for example, more meaningful moments with our children. Quality in the context of ‘quality time’ usually means ‘something that is worth having/meaningful’. Life quality can also be measured in this way and can be seen as something subjective, however there is also a common ‘standard’ as to what ‘life quality’ or ‘quality of life’ is as the general well-being of a person from living standards including recourses, accommodation to mental and physical health. We often discuss ‘life quality’ in the context of tough cases where people are for instance in a coma or where children are born with several handicaps that makes us question whether their life quality will be high enough for life to be worth while for them. We also talk about life quality in the context I mentioned earlier, where it more often has to do with discovering what one is really passionate about in life, to get off the beaten track of survival and into a way of living that is meaningful and purposeful.

I have looked at these terms as points of departure in relation to the questions of:

1. How I live my life
2. How I spend my time

The reason why I bring these concepts up is because I am not always satisfied with how I spend my time and therefore also not with the quality of my life, precisely in the context of whether I spend my time and my life on doing things that are meaningful and purposeful.

There was a really interesting Eqafe recording once that spoke about how, people who are most motivated to do something in life, are often people who are motivated by fear of survival, which also explains why some people are not as motivated (from a mind perspective, obviously) to do something with their lives; simply because they do not have that fear of survival. For some reason, I do not have this fear, and it may have something to do with the fact that my life was already about surviving from the get-go, albeit in a very moderate, ‘rich-western-country’ sense where, yes my mother and I struggled to make ends meet, but we were never starving or without a roof over our heads.

The point that I am unsatisfied with in this context is that I do not always spend my time on things that are purposeful and I find that I have too much ‘waste’ time, which is time spend on things with absolutely no purpose or meaning, but that are often the result of mental preferences or resistances, of being in a comfort zone where I do not feel haunted by life, to constantly produce things of meaning and value. This is not all bad though, because it also means that I can be more creative and flexible with my time, and I can embrace opportunities that to others may seem pointless to pursue and that in the end turns out to be quite practical and that pays off in one way or another.

However, I also question why I am this way, why I do not spend every waking moment on that which I know is meaningful and purposeful, which in the context of my life and process and the path that I have chosen to take, is about contributing to making a difference in the world on one hand, and changing myself from the inside out to become a living example of that difference.

The moments that I speak about here, can be moments of oversleeping whereby I ‘loose’ precious and valuable time that could have been spent in a meaningful way, writing blogs, writing articles, working, connecting with people. It can also be moments of browsing the Internet aimlessly or getting caught up in a YouTube watching marathon of suddenly becoming fascinated by a certain subject that may be entirely meaningless to the purpose I have given my life. It can also be moments where I justify to myself that I ‘deserve’ or even ‘need’ to relax and watch a movie, that I could instead have spent on working on my DIP assignments or writing a blog or being with my partner. And here, I am obviously also speaking about balance, because I am not saying that there are not moments where watching a movie IS the best use of my time. I am speaking about moments where I know within myself that my time would have been better spent writing a blog, that there is actually no reason for me not writing a blog, other than I simply don’t ‘want to’ or ‘feel like it’ and thus where my priorities are out of whack with the purpose I have given to my life.

In many ways, these decisions to not spend my time in a meaningful way are the remnants of a past life, a life where watching TV, or surf the internet when you come home from work, IS what you do, is what everyone does, is totally and completely normal – and the fact that you are wasting time and not doing something meaningful goes completely over your head, and sometimes never hit you, or only hit you much later in life, when you start realizing how little you have accomplished in life and how meaningless it has been. That is not the life I want to create for myself.

Don’t get me wrong; I also have meaningful moments and moments of pushing through and doing what needs to be done. But due to the way my life is, where everything is very flexible and open, I am often left with a CHOICE of what to do next, at least that is how I have experienced it, where I, in my mind, experiences that no consequences will come of me sleeping an extra hour or watching another episode of that show. But the thing is that it accumulates, and before you know it, a whole life has gone by and you have nothing to show for it.

I do not want to live as though I am haunted, by time, by a career, by money, by survival or by the purpose I have given myself. So I am not saying that I should now change gears and go into the opposite polarity of militaristic application, ensuring that every waking moment is spent on something meaningful, and otherwise come down hard on myself.

What I am however saying, is that I need to look at how I have defined ‘quality’ in the context of ‘meaningful’ and ‘purposeful’ when it comes to how I spend my life and my time, because there is a misalignment still where I do not have my priorities straight according to what I see and know to be best.

Why else would we do something that we know deep inside is not what is best? It must be because there is an overriding ‘authority’ that we have given power of attorney to in our minds that is calling the shots, and that we are listening and adhering to without question. Those decisions certainly do not make themselves.

If we look at this issue in a much larger context, we can see how this exact pattern that I am exposing here, is actually what prevents us as humanity from changing the world; because we have so many priorities that are not in alignment with what is best for all life, that we keep arguing for and justifying, to such degrees that we live our entire lives within and through them, whether it involves drinking alcohol, being a sex-addict, watching too much TV, distracting ourselves with hobbies or feverishly climbing the career latter. All of this keeps us from making real MEANING of our lives and from giving our lives real PURPOSE.

I have lived the majority of my life without purpose or meaning, aimless drifting around, grasping for meaning but without ever holding onto it, committing myself to it. It has become a way of life for most of us.

In looking at how to change this, I have made the mistake of making this a moral issue, from a starting-point of feeling guilty towards a ‘higher power’ or someone else wanting me to be productive and driven, which has only caused me to polarize myself even further into opposite driving-forces, because I completely separated myself from meaning and purpose, and saw it as something someone else wanted/needed me to do, and that I owed it to them to make something useful of my life.

I did this, instead of going to the source of the problem, which is that I have given the authority of my life, my decisions, my choices to a preprogrammed life-pattern that dictates me to live a ‘mellow’ and ‘chill’ life, facing as little resistance as possible and simply ‘going with the flow’. In my case, this is how my life was supposed to turn out; totally without purpose, simply being a leach on the world, consuming and ingesting under the guise of ‘living large’ and ‘doing what feels good’. I know that for others it has manifested in different ways, of for example giving their authority to the fear of not surviving, which caused them to strive for success, but which made them end up in the exact same position – of not creating something of meaning, value and purpose.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take time and life for granted, within deluding and deceiving myself into believing that life/time goes on and on forever, that there is always more/enough time, instead of realizing that with the way life is currently set up, there is in fact only a very limited amount of time to live and that every second therefore is precious and irreplaceable and should be honored.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my authority to a preprogrammed life-design that has been programmed to ensure that I never create meaning or purpose in my life, but that I in fact spend my life as a total zombie that simply consumes and uses up resources and thus have less than meaning and purpose in that my life is spent ultimately destroying and abusing life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically follow the whims and preferences that I feel and experience through the mind without question and without awareness and thereby and through that, give my power, sovereignty and authority to the mind, to live for me, as me, through me and me therefore not existing or living at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when seeing that I am wasting my time and adhering to preferences that are not best for all and thereby create another level of deception within myself/my mind, within and through which I actually compound myself further into the mind by splitting and polarizing myself and separating myself from myself, taking my actions personal, instead of seeing what I am doing for what it is and looking for practical solutions accordingly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to polarize and split myself through reacting within an experience of guilt and morality where I think and believe that I have done something wrong, that I am wrong and that I must control myself, only causing me to suppress myself further and empower myself in/as the mind in following the mind’s preferences through polarity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself permission to change my priorities and preferences based on the principle of what is best for all, because I have accepted and allowed myself to be automatically governed by the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the mind is not and does not have authority over/as me, except for through my permission, acceptance and allowance where I have accepted and allowed myself to be loyal to the mind because I have accepted and allowed myself to be loyal to feelings, emotions and experiences where I have become addicted to the ‘feel-good’ feelings and have resisted the ‘bad’ emotions, instead of directing myself based on the principle of what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this is not a matter of ‘taking back’ authority from the mind, as the mind never had authority, as I have had the authority all along and I have abdicated it as myself to the mind, to let the mind stand as my authority for me, because of the relationship I have created towards emotions, feelings and experiences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my submission to, and abdication of myself to the mind, in wanting the mind to direct me, be the authority of and as me, comes from a symbiotic relationship I have created with the mind, where the mind gives me feelings and experiences and ‘helps’ me avoid negative emotions – within and through which I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing the illusion and delusion of emotional experiences and have accepted and allowed myself to fully immerse myself in emotions as was that the only thing that is real in this life .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, see and understand that it is through my loyalty and addiction to emotions, feelings and experiences that have maintained my abdication of myself to the mind, where I have deceived myself into believing and accepting that the mind gives me/provides me with what I want; good feelings and experiences and to avoid bad experiences and emotions – not realizing how this is exactly like those mafia movies where the mafia is giving protection money to a shop to protect the shop against the mafia itself, and thus what I have deceived myself into believing and accepting that the mind is doing for me, is something that wouldn’t even be necessary without the mind – or my relationship to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able to imagine or see a life without existing in emotions and feelings and without being directed by and through emotions and feelings, and within and through being so used to existing in/through emotions and feelings; I have accepted emotions and feelings as a comfort zone and as a default state and as something that I identify myself with, as me and that I therefore do not want to let go of .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am in the process of re-authenticating myself through taking back/taking responsibility for the authority that I have given to and projected onto the mind and that this is something that I have to do for every single minute aspect of myself where I am still governed by the mind, because that even with one minute aspect, it still means that I am not the self-directive principle in/of/as myself or my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the mind is not to blame in all of this. It would be like blaming a computer for humans using it to send drone strikes that kill people and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus so much of my attention on the mind itself, instead of focusing on WHO I am within/as/through the mind, which is where the key is to stopping this pattern of not creating meaning or purpose for myself – because it comes down to the question of who and what I accept myself as, on a very real and tangible level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is enough to see what I require changing and that when I do, I will automatically change, when in fact, I have to re-train, re-authenticate myself as the directive principle of and as myself so that all of me understands and accepts that I am the directive principle of me, as the principle of what is best for all in equality and oneness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, see and understand that this process is not about resisting, rejecting or destroying the mind, but about becoming the directive principle of/as myself within taking absolute responsibility for myself within awareness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to take absolute responsibility for myself because that means that I cannot keep doing/living what I do as I then have to stand accountable and self-honest in all that I do, and I have perceived that to be ‘boring’ and ‘not free’ – not realizing that this is yet another mind program firewall kicking in, in fact propelling me once again to the exact opposite direction of freedom – which would be to become fully self-directed and aware so that everything I do, speak, breathe is done within full awareness and decision

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated, because every time I try to change these patterns I find myself falling back into them again, thereby causing myself to think and believe that it is pointless and hopeless, causing me to eventually give up and give in again – not realizing how this is yet another clever program that ensures that I do not get to the point of manifesting substantial change and transcendence, which I realize comes from a diligent and stubborn process of PRACTICE, over and over, willing myself, no matter how many times I fall

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not honor the quality (worth, purpose and meaning) of life that I have been given and have given myself the opportunity to live in this life, through this very process in every moment, in every breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not honor the quality (worth, purpose and meaning) of the time that is available to me, within humbly being aware of the uncertainty of life and not knowing how long I have to live in this physical world and make the most of it, through becoming a living example of worth, purpose and meaning, not only for my own sake, but for the sake of all of us, so that my existence on this planet may be of use and value and contribute to creating a life that is best for all

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to be directed by/directing myself in/as the mind, through emotions, feelings and experiences to make decisions of what to do with myself/my life/my time, I stop and I breathe.

I realize/remind myself that I am in the process of transforming all parts and aspects of myself into becoming the living principle of equality and oneness as what is best for all and that this is one of those aspects, where I need to become/stand as the authority and directive principle of myself.

I realize/remind myself that this experience I have, is an addiction, and a deception and that this exact pattern, of automatically following mental experiences, desires, preferences, is exactly what is causing the world to be in the mess it is in right now, causing people to not care, to be disempowered and zombified, that is causing us to destroy this planet and thus ourselves – and even with a little bit of common sense, one can see that this makes completely no sense, and so no matter how we ended up here, or ‘who’s fault’ it was, what matters now is to re-authenticate ourselves as the proper authorities of these individual bodies and from there, re-authenticate ourselves in the communities and collective levels, so that we may re-authenticate ourselves as life on an existential level.

I commit myself to walk this process of re-authenticating myself as life, in every aspect of myself, my life until it is done and I commit myself to not give up, even though I fall and fall again – to not accept a fall as a failure or a termination or a sign that what I am doing isn’t working – because I know that it is, from points I have already changed and transcended and I know that there is nothing that cannot be walked through or transcended, if I only remain diligent, patient and creative and keep coming up with solutions and deepen myself in awareness and self-honesty to understand myself.

Artwork by Matti Freeman

Male/Female Dynamics: When Women become Controlling towards Men. DAY 379


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Controlling womanI have been noticing lately a pattern that some couples go into where the gender roles have switched from the previous patriarchal ones to now being matriarchal where the woman in the relationship will be dominant and the man will be more passive. It is a tendency I’ve seen increasingly when I observe couples and also to a certain degree in my relationship with my partner.

Both through observing other couples and my own relationship, I’ve come to see that the experience from the woman’s point of view has to do with creating expectations towards ‘how things should be’, where the woman has come to believe that she alone knows what is best for the family and where she doesn’t trust the man or value his perspectives in the same way, often due to mistakes he’s made or points of inconsideration that she then uses to justify being dominant.

When I observe deeper what this pattern is about, there are several dimensions. One of the most primary ones, is the fear some women experience of things not being ‘right’ or even ‘perfect’ and all of this particularly has to do with the ‘realm of the home’; cleaning, house decoration, the garden, clothes, how the children behave etc.

The other day for example when my partner and I were on a restaurant, I observed a family with two kids where the mother was very bossy towards the father and spoke to him in a harsh, demeaning tone about the food they had to order and did the same with the kids, all rather subtle under the guise of presenting themselves as a ‘happy organized family’.

It is as though a transition is happening in our gender roles where, because the males are now more present at home and home life has been given a higher status and because we’ve broken with the patriarchal family dynamics, it has created this switch where women now are becoming dominant, but in a completely different way that males were in the past; something that I am sure by a lot of males is experienced as ‘nagging’ and that probably also is a cause of marriages falling apart and husbands cheating because they feel more and more disempowered and disenfranchised in their relationships.

What I have seen is how the males becomes more and more passive and in the worst case scenarios either accepts themselves to become doormats which also allows the woman’s obsession with perfection to spiral out or they start retracting themselves from the family and eventually may leave or cheat to regain a sense of self-empowerment.

In terms of looking at solutions, I have seen a particularly interesting perspective on these dynamics that had to do with how my partner and I have taken care of our cats (that I’ve also described in previous blogs).

In relation to our cats, I activated a ‘motherhood’ program within my mind where I basically became obsessed with keeping our cats safe and happy and content, and I created this ideal expectation of myself of being a perfect cat owner (or ‘mother’ as it were) which, the more I participated in it, made me more and more anxious and worried and controlling. Even when I wasn’t at home or with our cats, I would worry about them and how they were doing and would feel immensely guilty if I thought I was doing something that didn’t make them happy or content, often causing me to experience immense internal conflict because sometimes making them safe, meant doing something that wasn’t their preference. (I’m sure many mothers can relate to this as well).

The more controlling I became, the more my partner tried pulling in the opposite direction, because he obviously saw that what I was doing wasn’t commonsensical. I saw myself as knowing at all times what was best for our cats and that he was a brute, was inconsiderate and careless and I did not trust him to take care of the cats. He, on his side tried introducing a more relaxed approach that sometimes, in common sense did not consider what was best for the cats, and the more he did this, the more I went into the controlling behavior.

We had many fights and discussions about how to solve the situation, and two particular instances lead to us finally coming together in a mutual solution. First of all, my partner asked that if he was to step up and take more responsibility, I had to back down, stop being controlling and stop distrusting him and saying that he was doing it wrong all the time. He explained to me how demotivating it was for him to expand himself and become better at taking care of the cats that I, even when he tried, scolded him in suspicion. I on the other hand, wanted him to step up more so that I could let go of control and fear that I couldn’t trust him. We both agreed to change our approach. I backed down and backed off and he committed himself to stepping up. I realized that I could never support him to expand who he was in relation to taking care of animals if I didn’t stop distrusting him – I didn’t have a choice.

So slowly but surely I backed off more and more, with the occasional setback of reverting back to the old behavior, which he could then point out wasn’t supportive due to our new agreement.

My obsession with perfection in relation to taking care of the cats, and my fear of doing it wrong and not being right hadn’t stopped though. It started slowly but surely escalating more and more when our living situation changed and our female cat died, which in my mind was partly due to me not honoring what I saw was best but instead backed down. (In that situation I didn’t back down from a common sense perspective, but because I didn’t want to be seen as a nag and as overprotective, so I compromised what I saw was best.)

It culminated in a moment of insanity where I literally felt like I was going mad from the intensity of worry and need to control. I literally broke down on the floor during a conflict with my partner in relation to the cats, and in that moment I realized how unhealthy my experience has been, that it almost took me to the brink of insanity because I had allowed it to escalate and consume me.

I knew that I had to stand down, this time not in relation to my partner because we had by then come to a more mutual understanding and agreement, but within myself. I had to force myself to stop participating in thoughts about the cats and their well-being and my worry of being a bad ‘cat parent’ because I could see what it could lead to if I didn’t.

I also realized how much support my partner could be to me, because his perspective on taking care of animals was so much more relaxed than mine. He was so calm and at ease with it and I suddenly saw how I could actually be supported by his way of doing things, which was facilitated by him also having stepped up within himself. I stopped, and I am still in the process of stopping seeing myself as the ‘matriarch’ when it comes to taking care of our cats and I have started listening to and respecting my partner’s perspectives more as well as asking him for support and perspectives. We are now more equals in our care taking as I am not as controlling or obsessed with perfection and he is more considerate and caring.

This is for me a really cool example of the process towards equality that we as couples must create if we are to create a mutually supportive and enjoyable relationship.

As women who have become controlling in our strive towards perfection, we need to back down and step back – and especially realize how this all comes from a starting-point of fear of not being good enough, of not being/doing right and of expecting ourselves to be able to be perfect. As women (and here I’m generalizing) we have an amazing sense of specificity and overview and an ability to see what is best as well as being able to consider others and care for others. This ability gets stifled by our fear and need for perfection and we end up creating fake families or partnerships that are just for show, to present a perfect image, but without actually having a substantial foundation of support and care for one another. When we stop our strive for perfection and fear of things not being ‘just right’ we can begin supporting our partners, with the same care and specificity we tend to give our children and homes, to expand their perspectives, to become caring, compassionate and considerate beings.

I have also met many men who have become passive, withdrawn and who have entered a state of ‘not caring’ and how this is equally a stifling of a set of skills that are most supportive and valuable, namely the ability to respond calmly, to detach oneself in a constructive way in ‘crisis situations’, to keep one’s head cool, to focus and concentrate on one point at a time. All of these are skills and abilities that we women can learn so much from and be supported by, if only we would come together with our men and open ourselves up to learning from one another.

We have to remember the fact that we, for eons of time have been programmed very differently from one another, that females have developed acute awareness when it comes to having overview and seeing practical solutions whereas men have learned more how to focus on the task at hand (like a hunter stalking a pray with full concentration) and that this doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with either of us or that either skill set is more or less valuable than another. On the contrary, we can all expand and learn from each other and grow – and we can do so together as a team in a healthy and supportive relationship.

None of us are the bad guys or the good guys in these dynamics. Both males and females who access these dysfunctional patterns are both responsible and innocent and this is an important factor to consider when deciding to stop these unequal and damaging gender dynamics.

I’ll share with you here a list of self-forgiveness statements written for women (and men) to address, open up and take responsibility for the female ego that is at the core of what I’ve discussed here.