When Your Child Prefers Someone Else. 406

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My daughter has been progressively been turning more and more towards her grandmother over the past couple of weeks, preferring her grandmother over me, calling out her name at night and pushing me away when I come to take her home. My experience and perception is that my mother in law revels in being favorized and this adds to my experience of dread and shame when I come to take my daughter home and she says no and clings to her grandmother.

It is a very strange – new – experience for me. Because at my core, I am glad that my daughter loves her grandmother. I am glad she has a grandmother that loves her and wants to do what is best for her. My mother in law is very protective of my daughter and as for her faults, they are (from my perspective) minor compared to the joy the two ladies feel for each other.

But at the same time I cannot help reacting, taking it personal and feeling so hurt and rejected. Interestingly enough, I see that the signature of the reaction comes from my memories from having girlfriends as a child, and us fighting over being friends with each other.

What happens within me is that I feel rejected, cast aside, and I start second guessing myself, wondering what I am doing wrong since I am not the favorite anymore. And ultimately at its very worst moments, I noticed how I respond by conceding which is a default mechanism of mine when things doesn’t go my way, and I back down and pull myself away from her, as if saying: “alright, if you don’t want to be with me, fine. Then I’ll pull away.”

But as I did self-forgiveness and reflected on this, I saw how this is the reaction of a narcissist and that one of the lessons I have to learn / stand as as a mother is to love my child fully, wholly, unconditionally, no matter what she says or does – that my love is an unwavering certainty, that I am here no matter what.

Coincidentally the pinnacle of this progression towards favoring her grandmother, happened at the same time as my family, including my mother and sister came to visit. My mother and sister have a strained relationship, and as I observed them I could see how a big part of the problem lies within my mother’s total narcissism, which for some reason is much more triggered when she’s with my sister than when she is with me. She makes everything about her, and she waits for my sister to show her love – something that is totally impossible because she is the adult in the dynamic, at least when one follows traditional family dynamic patterns. To a great degree I am proud to say that I’ve released myself from almost all such patterns, which makes it possible for me to have a relationship with my mother without much expectations towards her being “motherly” as such. Early on I realized that if I were to have a relationship with her, it would to some extent have to be on her terms, and I would have to accept her as the woman she is, not as the mother she’ll never be.

But as I watched how she behaved towards my sister, in a selfish and self-absorbed way, and remembered what that was like for me as a child, I started fearing that this is how I am towards my daughter, and that she’s choosing her grandmother over me, for this reason. But the ironic thing about it is that me taking her preferences personal, is exactly that point of narcissism in a nutshell. And being like that is the last thing I want to be. But it did get me reflecting on where I AM lacking in my parenting, and where my mother in law has strengths that I could learn from.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my child’s preferences about who she wants to be within in a moment, about me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take it personal that my child prefers to be with her grandmother over me, and that she will actively push me aside when I come to get her from her grandmother

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how I’ve contributed to creating a polarized situation where I desperately wants my daughter to prefer me, most likely causing her to be somewhat uncomfortable with me, as she picks up on me not being natural and unconditional with her, and with me wanting something from her, wanting her to be something and do something for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel rejected by my daughter, and take it personally, when she prefers her grandmother over me, when the fact of the matter is that there can be a thousand different reasons why she has this preference, that has nothing to do with me or our relationships

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make my relationship with my child dependent on her prefering to be with me, and her expressing herself positively towards me, and as soon as she doesn’t I retreat, concede and start backing out of the relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a habit and pattern of conceding almost immediately whenever things don’t go my way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define relationships as exclusive within me, where I have created a belief that someone can only have one meaningful and loving relationship, and as such that a relationship is a scarce resources that must be fought over

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to start second guessing myself when my daughter prefers her grandmother, as though my value and quality as a mother is exclusively determined by my daughter liking me and wanting to be with me – a problem because there is likely to be times where she’ll react to me, which doesn’t make me any less of a good or decent mother

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make my relationship with my child about me, about her being or doing something for me, that makes me feel a certain way, because that is how I’ve always related to other people – having no stable or solid relationship with myself and not having developed any self-value and therefore tying my value to other people liking me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge my mother for being narcissistic and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel paranoid and afraid that I am towards my daughter like my mother has been towards me and my sister, when I know for a fact that it is not true – and yet in some aspects it is, like in my needing her to love me, but in contrary to my mother, I have the tools of self-forgiveness and self-correction, so I have a direct opportunity and responsibility to change

Self-correction

When and as I see that I react to my daughter preferring to be with her grandmother or someone else, I stop and I breathe and let go of my reaction.

I commit myself to open myself up and push myself to be curious and open towards my daughters preference of someone else, and I remind myself that it has nothing to do with my relationship with her – and I stand back inside myself in the certainty of my love for her.

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Fear that My Child Will be an Outcast and an Outsider. 405

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I have a fear that I will make it difficult for my daughter to make friends, and that this will make her lonely and an outcast. The the feeling is very intense. I was speaking to my partner about it, and what came up is that this fear of not having friends – and all the things we do to avoid that fear – is due to a built-in survival instinct that tells us that “alone I am nothing.” In ancient societies you could effectively use outcasting as the ultimate punishment as a person would not survive in the wilderness by themselves. It is also why the silent treatment is so effective. No one wants to be kicked out or isolated from the group.

It came up strongly when we were at the local pool. There were other kids in the kiddie pool and my girl was clearly interested in them. In not going to daycare she already stands out from her peers, as she doesn’t spend very much time with other children, and it is something I as a mother am acutely aware of (and stressed out about), particularly in not wanting her at an disadvantage, and therefore feeling that I constantly have to compensate because it is assumed in the culture I come from that it’s best for you to go to daycare and be ‘socialized’ around other children.

At the pool there were some older children playing and as they were going down the slide next to her, my girl tapped herself on her chest and said her name, meant for them to hear it. They didn’t hear her or probably care about her as they were much older than her, and she did not seem to care that they didn’t respond, but in me it sparked an intense reaction of emotional pain.

Reflecting on it, what I saw is a fear of her innocently welcoming herself into the world, completely open and vulnerable, only to be ignored, rejected, teased or ridiculed by other children. I looked at how it would break my heart to see her that way, and at the same time, it was such a beautiful gesture of her, not even two years old, announcing herself to the world, and making it known that she’s here, that she matters.

The other point that has come up in relation to this point, is a memory of my own mother, whom I experienced as socially difficult and awkward as a child, at least in certain situations. At my school functions I experienced her as severely self-conscious and having emotional reactions of feeling rejected, isolated and excluded, due to her age and due to her being single whereas a lot of the other children had both a mom and a dad with them.

I took it very, very hard. Too hard probably, and as I’m beginning to understand myself more, I can see how a part of my being is a point of seriousness and depth, which has not always served me to my favor. Another is the fact that I as a person am all about relationships, and was so as well as a child, and I really needed an adult who could help me navigate friendships and relationships – and my mom basically had the opposite effect, of creating even more issues in me, due to her own issues. So in that sense, we were a bad combo. Although I’m actually certain that it might not have even been as big a deal to her as it was to me. But that’s because of my signature.

It was difficult for me that people didn’t like my mother, and subconsciously I internalized that and developed a great fear from it. I developed a belief that “If people don’t like you, they won’t help you, they’ll be against you, and you’ll be all alone having no one to call on, having to fend for yourself.” So somehow, along the way, I made it my mission to become likable. I studied what made other people likable and tried to copy and emulate that. So I would be helpful without being genuinely helpful for example. I learned how to be funny by studying sound, pitch, and timing of language.

And at the age of 19, I got my first real friend. Until then, it was an extremely stressful experience for me, desperately trying to gain friends, and feeling like the biggest loser in the world because it was difficult for me. I played with other children, but I cannot say that it was the most natural, or enjoyable relationships.

So – I have a fear that it will be the same for my girl, and that I will make the same mistakes that my mother made with me. And I see how I can create issues for her that might not even exist to begin with. Because I AM all about relationships. And I do enjoy getting to know people. And I don’t often create problematic relationships with people or go into isolation. And the other thing is that I have learned that the most important relationship a person can have, is with oneself. And second thereafter comes parents, not friends. Friends are cool for sure, but they’re not a matter of life and death.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow a reaction within me of feeling like my heart is breaking when I see my girl innocently, openly and vulnerably open herself up to other children or people, in my anticipating and expecting that they will ignore her, push her down, laugh at her and ridicule her as that is the association I have towards expressing myself this way, from when I was a child – and because I have tied this association and fear to this expression, I expect that it will happen to my child as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear, but also expect that my child will be pushed down and ridiculed for expressing and sharing herself innocently, openly and vulnerably by other children and by adults, because that is what I experienced as a child, and when I imagine it happening to my child, it’s like it’s happening all over again to me, because this experience still sits within me as a trauma and a fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that what I fear is that my girl will be hurt and wounded and that she will pull back into herself, but in actuality I am afraid of again standing in the experience I had as a child where I expressed and shared myself vulnerably and openly and experienced that I was ridiculed and talked to in a harsh way by other children and adults.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to so extensively start fearing being open and vulnerable as a child, that I deliberately hardened myself, and sought to become smart and cool and calculated and strategic in my communication with others, so that I would never again be caught of guard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself in full and exposed openness as who I am, because I believe and expect that I will be taken advantage of, laughed at, ridiculed or abused in some way, to the extent where there is a part of me that wants to keep my child away from other people, to protect her innocence so that she doesn’t have to lose it, or lose herself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately hide and suppress my pure expression, and to always be on guard and have an edge around me, always being ready for an attack, and never actually allowing myself to fully relax and be myself around other people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the innocent and unconditional openness in my child’s expression when she announces herself to the people, where I react with experiencing it like I’ve been gut punched and my stomach is constricting – because I fear that within myself and do not allow myself to express in this way, not realizing that my child is not me, she may not have the same issues I did, and as opposed to when I was growing up, she actually has me as a parent and her father, as people who are walking their own process towards standing up as who we are in the fullness of our expression, and who will therefore support her to do the same, as well as will be able to support her if she does experience emotional reactions towards someone ridiculing her – and as such support her to keep standing as who she is, no matter what.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try to protect my child by deliberately stepping in when I for example see that she’s expressing herself towards adults and they are, from my perspective, ignoring her – not realizing how I am within doing so projecting my own fear of not being heard, seen and taken serious onto her, and am effectively making my issues her issues, when she might not need my protection and I can’t even protect her from facing reality and the devolved state of humanity, which is something we all have to walk through and take responsibility for as self in each our own way, in order to walk our process from consciousness to awareness, including my child.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will make it difficult for my child to have friends, because I feel socially awkward and struggle with friendships, but also because that is exactly what I experienced happened with my mother, and so I fear the past repeating itself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place extensive value in children having friends, due to this being hyped as extremely important in the culture I live in, and because I have accepted and allowed myself to integrate it as a truth within me, founded upon a deep-seated fear of being outcast and alone, and as such unable to survive

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that everything is in reverse and that the creators of consciousness most certainly would’ve wanted human beings to be split into and between themselves, to actually fear the one place that is the path towards real oneness and equality which is: inside ourselves, alone.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the power within standing alone, is in fact that through standing alone, one has the opportunity to walk one’s process from consciousness to awareness, because developing a connection to one’s body and beingness is crucial, and because the opposite of aloneness, as society and culture currently only exists to promote separation and illusion, whereas aloneness (except for in thinking) is still to an extent “pure”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself and my decision not to place my child into the care of other people, because I experience a distinct push and drive from society and people around me to do exactly that, and because people find me strange and intimidating for not doing it (Like I’m “off” and they don’t like it, and I don’t like THAT lol), because I have developed my value in relation to being liked and accepted by others, and as such am afraid of the exact ostracization I was talking about earlier – when I know for a fact that my child is doing very well, is thriving, has an awesome life, and has a rather minimal need to spend time with other children

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not yet stand fully secure and trusting of myself in my decision to not put my child into care of other people, because there is a part of me that knows that what I am doing is unpopular, and it causes certain people to react to me, and even frown upon my decision, and I have a fear towards that, because I have a fear of being ostracized, because I have not yet stood in the power of being alone inside myself –  not fully realizing or embracing that I’ve got all of existence inside me, as me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame my mom for causing me to struggle making friends as a child, and I forgive my mother for not taking responsibility for walking her own process from consciousness to awareness, and step up as a support for me to learn how to navigate the world effectively, and for example share with me the power and value of being alone.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project my mom’s experience of awkwardness onto myself and to internalize an experience of feeling like an outsider that I interpreted that my mother was experiencing and creating a distinct feeling of being an outsider that I now fear I will transfer to my child – not realizing how, being an outsider has been my saving grace in many respects, and is in fact one of my strengths and one of the things I appreciate the most about my life, and as such nothing I have to fight or fight for, but simply something I rest in and as, as I integrate and immerse myself fully with the groups of people I surround myself with, without it changing who I am at my core – and as such, my child too will be an outsider because she is my child, but I have the opportunity to also show her how to be an insider, as everyone we meet is part of us as we are part of them, and as such there is no distance, separation and nothing to fear – because all we can ever meet, is ourselves.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place extreme value and importance on being liked and accepted by other people, specifically because I believe that I am an outsider, someone that has negative value because of that, and therefore that I MUST struggle in order for other people to accept me – and if they don’t, it will be because there is something wrong with me, and not for instance because they recognize parts of themselves in me, that they don’t want to meet, and as such, whether people align to me and want to create relationships with me or not, is really more about them than it is about me. I can be a total asshole and people might still want to create a relationship with me because that resonated with something in them.

Self-Commitment Statements

When and as I see that a fear of being alone and an outsider in social situations comes up within me, I stop, I breathe and I remind myself of who I am and where I am.

I commit myself to embrace the fact that I am an outsider and be proud of the life I’ve lived and walked, and to use it to actually get “inside” in terms of actually connecting with people on real, deep levels that will bring us together instead of perpetuate separation in this world.

When and as I see that I fear or doubt myself in relation to providing my daughter with proper social relationships, I look at her and make a self-honest assessment in self-trust about her well-being and living conditions and whether they are up to standards that I can accept and condone.

I commit myself to stand within self-trust that I am doing what I see is best for my child and that I am able to assess and take responsibility to do so, if she is not thriving in the environment I have selected for her – and to take action accordingly.

I commit myself to stop living for people to like me and accept me, and to instead live and walk from a starting-point of standing and walking in my aloneness, as all-one-ness. I commit myself to push myself to express myself fully, as who I am without fear.

[Photo by Steve Courmanopoulos for Unsplash]

Bearing Witness to a World in Suffering from a Distance. 404

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The other day there was a discussion about the current world situation, and in particular about nations like Zimbabwe collapsing, and the internet being shut down. It sparked a fear within me, although it’s not something I usually react to, and also something that, if I do, I can quickly speak common sense to myself and calm myself down. This time was different, and it is because I have a child, and it triggers a much deeper reaction within me. I also saw a post recently about a father in a war torn country having to sell his child. The child looked like my daughter in its expression, and the love they felt for one another was obvious. I cannot imagine having to sell my child because I can’t afford to feed it.

A bit later I asked my girl if she wanted to go upstairs and play in the bed together. Usually we don’t do that in the evening so it was a bit different. When we came up, a shift suddenly happened within her, and she froze completely, only to cling to me desperately. I had to hold her very tight, as though she wanted me to encompass her totally. Every time I tried letting go, she started wimping. It took about ten minutes. I held her in my heart and breathed and I shared with her how she could center herself inside herself and hold herself inside. Eventually I asked Viktor to come. I had a sense that it would be better if we held her together.

He came, and she climbed into his arms, sat with him, but holding herself, and in a few minutes she was fine. She’s never done that before, as she usually seeks me. But it was obvious that he was the one who could support her with stability in that moment.

I looked at the point and how I could relate, and I remembered how as a child I would experience this “existential insecurity” and I can definitely see that in my girl’s experience, and in it being directly related back to MY experience of going into this “fear of survival” which is not a common experience for me.

When looking at “Who would I be in that situation?” there is no doubt that I’d do whatever I can to protect myself. I’d go into “Let’s do this” mode. There’s not really anything to say about that.

However – the fact of the matter is that thousands and billions of people – and children right now are living under conditions that are not acceptable for anyone. And so I am confronted with feeling deeply ashamed. Ashamed that things are going so well for me, that I have it so easy. That I live in such a bubble wrapped reality (online and in the physical system here in Sweden) that I can, if I want to, completely forget about all the suffering that people experience here in this world. I’m ashamed that I can sit down and “relax” and “have fun” and take life and things for granted, beings spoiled and complain about things that others would kill to have.

Obviously a nation or world collapse can hit me as well, on a direct level, but what matters is that it’s ALREADY hitting me, as all the other parts of me. And it’s important for me to remember that, to carry that with me, and to not delude myself that the happiness I feel is real, because life might be going great for me, but for the whole as a whole its not. I’m not used to things going great for me either, so it’s definitely felt like “I made it!” and just wanting to revel in that. But I definitely also see and understand that it means that I have a greater responsibility to give back, and to do what I can to make a difference. It’s about carrying the world – as it is – with me inside my heart, and to never lose sight of that or what we’re here to do. When painful stuff comes up on my SoMe feed, I quickly scroll over it, because I feel so sick to my stomach when I see animals, humans or the planet suffering. It’s like my heart is breaking every time, and it feels like if I were to look at it, it will break. And maybe it has to. Maybe the only self-honest way to live is to walk around with a broken heart, for me at least. Cause otherwise I’d be living on a lie, and by living on a lie, I’m also capitalizing on the suffering of others standing on their backs, and there’s a deliberateness in that, when i KNOW that it’s possible to create a world where no one has to suffer. So how do one live with the state of the world in one’s heart, while at the same time remain diligent to make a difference, and perhaps even be successful at doing exactly that? I don’t know yet but I have to find out.

In the culture I live in we talk so much about how we can do “little things” to make a difference to things like climate changes, or we donate to charity or go vegan and think that we’ve done our part. But what we often don’t realize is all the myriad of other little things we do, through which we contribute to things being fucked up in this world. We are so far removed and separated from our own creation and ourselves as one, that we don’t even see the direct correlations between things we do (or don’t do), and thoughts we think, with the current state of the world. I was for instance just watching a video of two children at the same age as my girl hit by an airstrike in Syria. I feel incredibly sad and angry and despairing for these children, and when watching it, it’s almost like I can’t stand being inside myself… but at the same time, I am seeing it from a distance, I’m not a part of it, and it’s not (really) a part of me. There is a level of distance, through which I relatively comfortably allow myself to right after continue scrolling aimlessly in a state of comfortable numbness.

When looking at the world situation from a holistic perspective, it is like seeing all these dark spots of suffering around the world, and then in the middle there are these tiny white bubbles, and inside them are the rich countries of the world, the places where almost no one suffers in a fundamental sense of the word. And I am in one of those countries. And for us to change the world, only the people in these countries has the capacity to do so, because to even be capable of conceiving of creating greater ripples in society, you got to be fed, you got to sleep. You can’t worry about getting raped, or your child freezing to death. So where this whole thing lands is on the responsibility I have to do my part to make a difference in the world, which I first and foremost do through changing myself and walking through my own mind. If I don’t, if we don’t, we who actually have the opportunity to, the darkness will little by little seep into even our bubbles, and in the end, only suffering will be left.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get lost in my own privileged life, because it is so easy for me to “turn the world off” as there is very little in my culture to remind me of the true nature of the world, unless I seek it out myself. On contrary, everything in my culture supports me to remain within my little bubble, and I allow it to, directly and indirectly.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to remain in my bubble where life is great and everything is comfortable, and not want to be disturbed in my bubble by real life events that remind me how fucked up the world is, because that brings me down, makes me sad and angry and scared, and that takes me out of my little bubble of comfort and fun and then I don’t know what to do with myself because I can’t just go and make those people’s lives better, so there’s a level of having to accept and impossible, and unacceptable situation that makes me feel desperate and powerless and I don’t like feeling desperate and powerless so therefore I do nothing.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react when hearing about collapsing governments and the internet disappearing and people not having access to food, because I don’t want that to happen to me, instead of realizing that it is ALREADY happening to ME, as another me, as all the people in the world who are living in suffering RIGHT NOW who are also a part of me, and my fear is really bound in me not wanting to lose what I have, deep down knowing that what I have is built on a lie, a lie of safety and prosperity and equality and fairness – and the truth is that suffering can happen to any of us, and is, and tomorrow it might be me, and as such, this reaction is showing me that I’ve been living in an illusion in my mind, where I have been hiding from the reality of me as the greater me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actively accept and allow myself to NOT care about what is going on in the world, in the real lives of real people, and despite knowing inside me the level of suffering that is going on – and that I am accepting through my creatorship – pretend like it’s all good and well in the world, because if it’s not happening to me directly, it’s not my problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that it is only through me standing up, in and as my full responsibility as a creator in this world that we will be able to stop the suffering that is currently the every-day life of billions of people and animals

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately avoid looking at images of people or animals suffering or reading such stories, because of how it makes me feel inside myself, like my heart is breaking and I can’t stand existing inside myself – giving myself the possibility to LOOK AWAY and pretend like it isn’t real, and that it isn’t happening to a part of me, and so convince myself that it’s ok for me to not concern myself with, because it’s not good for me to become upset or sad – instead of realizing that I SHOULD be upset and sad and use that to motivate me to make a difference – and to stand up in and as my creatorship in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of unawareness of what’s really going on in the world, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a mechanism and a habit to exist within me, where I deliberately will try to turn off any awareness I have of what’s really going on in the world, in terms of the extent to which people are actually really suffering

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of living in a country where suffering barely exists, and where I experience problems that aren’t real problems compared to the suffering many must go through, feeling tainted and undeserving and even unjustly targeted for my “white privilege”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel sorry for myself because I feel targeted and guilty for living a painfree elitist life style compared to most people in this world

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not diligently remove and shut down all the noise of my mind that is prohibiting me from taking full responsibility as a creator in this world, and of myself

Self-Commitments

I commit myself to push myself to stand WITH the suffering of this world, and to push myself until I do everything I can in my power to make a difference, and to end suffering.

I commit myself to push myself to stop avoiding the real issues of this world, and to directively recognize and see where I with my behavior am contributing to creating and condoning the suffering of others.

I commit myself to look at the images of suffering and allow my heart to break and be broken, and to use that to motivate me to walk my process from automated consciousness to directive awareness as diligently as possible – until no actions taken by me are contributing to suffering, but are instead alleviating it.

If you want to do what I do, check out: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

I also recommend listening to this recording: https://eqafe.com/p/fear-of-death-life-review

[Photo by Franke Kolleman on Unsplash]

Dedicating 2019 to my Body. 403

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I have made a commitment to dedicate this year to BODY LOVE. It is something I’ve been focusing more and more on over the past few years, and that I started really kicking into gear last year. This year I want to dedicate to my body, to have awareness and consideration with me as I move throughout my day, and do what I can to support my body to live its utmost potential. This has not always been a given. And it is not something that’s been easy for me. In fact, it’s been probably the most difficult point in my process to work and walk with. And the key to solving it has been SELF-LOVE.

So today I rubbed my chest muscles with essential oils that I let my body pick out (it chose wintergreen, geranium and ylang ylang). I want to push this point of allowing my body to come to the forefront, and trust myself to communicate with my body and listen when my body communicates. And on Saturday I’ll be going for a full body massage and facial treatment, a gift gifted to me by my in-laws for my birthday. I can tell you that my body is looking SO much forward to that one. I’ve also been pushing daily exercise/body movement, and I must say that a life lived from a place of self-love (rather than self-loathing, hate and punishment as I have in the past) is so much more enjoyable. Even the things I previously considered to be “boring” or “dull” or “annoying” are now meaningful because I come from a place of self-love. Things like broccoli, or exercise or learning how to best support my body online. Things that may be obvious for other people, who do them without hesitation. But for me, it was anything but. And slowly but surely, change is coming through, in small, everyday moments in my life. Small but significant change.

I am sharing so much about this at the moment, because I would like to support others to give themselves the same gift that I’ve been able to give to myself, finally, after so many years of being supported by others having walked the same path before me. I feel like a person who’s been walking in a desert for my entire life and has suddenly discovered that there’s an infinite source of water within me. If I can support someone to be a little less lost or dried out within themselves, I’ll happily do that. All you have to do is ask.

Walking into 2019 from an Empty Feeling to Focusing on What Matters. 402

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It is the first day of the year, the first day of rest of your life. It’s worldwide pizza day. It’s the day when most people are waking up hungover. How are you feeling?

It is January 1st and I am sitting here with an empty, sad feeling. If I recall correctly, it is the same feeling that I’ve had year after year on this exact day, and I wonder if I perhaps am not alone in having this feeling on this exact day; that maybe my experience is about me picking up on a collective emotion that sweeps through the world today. Or maybe the experience is triggered by memories of past January 1sts. I don’t feel connected with the intensity and flow of creativity and inspiration that I’ve felt so much during the past year, and that scares me. I don’t like feeling empty and directionless. In the past I would’ve thrown myself head first into this feeling, addicted to the melancholy of emotional pain. It is something that I’ve started changing in the past year. And as I started this writing, I simultaneously started writing in my notebook about the things I want to change/create in 2019. As soon as I did that, I centered inside myself and came back to the place within myself that’s become more and more familiar; a place where I can envision changes and be ambitious towards what I want to create. It’s play and it’s seriousness at the same time. So rather than remaining in this state of emptiness, I immediately direct myself out of it and focus on creation. I will therefore instead dedicate this post to taking charge and direction over my life by doing a last reflection of the year that’s past and a new commitment for the future.

What I have changed in 2018.

I don’t usually look at what I have changed or how I have improved in the past, and already now I can say that this is a significant change I’ve made in 2018. I’ve become more empowered, I stand by myself more. I’m less ashamed or self-conscious. I allow myself to express more as who I am. The whole point started with me recognizing my inner strength, for the first time in my life. That was the most transformational moment of 2018 for me. I have also started doing yoga in 2018, have been listening more to my body, and quite significantly, I’ve changed my diet 180 degrees. In the beginning of December I stopped watching tv-series and movies and by the end of the month, my husband and I cancelled our streaming subscriptions. Instead we’ve joined Spotify and are considering joining an audio book service. In general, I would say that my quality of life has improved in 2018. I’ve started standing more up for myself and my needs, and I’ve started living more from a place of self-love. I’ve also started working on my relationship with my partner in a much more active way, and of course I started a new job, designing and directing a new course for teaching assistants at a local community college. I now juggle that job with my responsibility as stay-at-home-mom. Thats’ been quite the journey I can tell you.

What I take with me into 2019

In 2019, I want to continue with my diet, and I want to make it more airtight so that I have less and preferably no falls. But I remain embracing of myself if or when I do fall. I want to continue not watching tv-series because I actually find that I do quite nice without them. Maybe I’ll quit them for an entire year and see where it takes me. I also want to continue specifying my relationship with being online, on my phone and on social media. I am committing myself to be more directive and specific with how I use and spend time on social media. I do not want to demonize it or make it at fault for how I use it. And I do see the use for it. Here I also want to spend some time defining what I want my relationship with social media to be. For example, I enjoy sharing myself with the world, and it is cool when people are supported by what I share. That serves a purpose. In general, I have given 2019 the headline FOCUS ON WHAT MATTERS. I want to make sure that I spend my time wisely and directively, that I decide what to do with my time, and don’t spend time doing things and focusing on things that doesn’t matter. Life is so short and we only have this one life, so I want to make the most of it. I want to give it all I got. Focusing on being more authentically me, and especially in my sharing on social media has been liberating and fun. It is also something I take with me and continue to push, including being specific and directive about the people I invite into my life.

What I will change in 2019

One of the most important things that I want to change in 2019, and in light of the headline I’ve given myself, is that I want to focus more on myself. Both in my relationship with my partner and my child, but also in my relationship with myself. In my relationship with my partner, I am committing myself to bring all the parts that are not effective, back to myself, same with my child, and in lue of that I am also committing myself to focus more on breath, writing and forgiveness this year. I also want to focus more on my body. It’s something I started pushing very much last year already, but I want to amp it up a notch this year. In general, I experience this year as an opportunity to level up, and to be more ambitious with the points I’ve already started changing. Oh and something else is that I am committing myself to becoming better at redirecting myself back to stability when I’ve allowed myself to become possessed or emotional. That’s a general point of directing myself more as an authority of myself, having the responsibility to direct myself in an effective way, for myself, my body, my child, my husband, everyone else around me, and ultimately the world as a whole of which I am a part of and an influence towards, for better or worse. Finally, I want to also kick my future plans up a notch and will soon be walking into my first Mastermind meeting with a group of lovely people. I also plan on hosting meetings in the future as well as continue writing on my books.

I plan on kicking ass in 2019… mostly my own, in a good and supportive way.

That’s how I’m laying out my 2019 before me. How is yours looking so far?

 

A NEW YEAR. A NEW Opportunity to Stand. A NEW Opportunity to Change. 401

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I have decided to dedicate the remaining days of 2018 to reflecting on the years that’s passed, and in that, note the points that I will commit myself to change, expand and improve on in the new year.

One of the first points that’s come up as I have reflected on the “theme” of my 2018 experience, is that it has been one of the most INTENSE years of my life, on all fronts. I’ve never felt any more alive than I have this year. Every day has been like a roller coaster ride with intense ups and downs, and I’ve experienced myself as very “off centered” and “buzzed” half the time. This is something I would like to change; not the intensity per se (because it’s also an expression of who I am), but the roller coaster experience and then intense emotions – especially because I do not want my child to pick that up from me, and integrate it into herself as part of her. Again, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. But it is not supportive, when one unnecessarily spirals oneself into the belly of emotion, with the purpose of creating drama and stir shit up, but where you end up losing yourself in the emotion and believing it to be real.

I like that this year has been intense too. Like I said, I’ve never felt more alive. But there is something to be said for keeping a nice balance and remaining grounded. I do not enjoy becoming riled up over small things, and losing my shit every two seconds. It’s kind of like being bi-polar and having the manic and depressive mood swings go off at all times of the day at its worst. At its best, I am like a force of nature, a force to be reckoned with. I joked with my partner that it is like I have this new superpower, like having a beam of fire flooding from my chest, and I do not yet have control over it or know how to direct it, and so consequently, I burn everything down half the time. And I am sure my body, however strong it is, is taking a toll because of it. So in the new year, one of my goal is to give specific and clear direction to my fire and my intensity – and to ground it within me.

So what is the solution?

The way I see it, it’s really very much about creating a physical anchoring and grounding within myself, which I do for example through my commitment to start writing again, through my yoga practices, through on-the-spot self-forgiveness out loud. Ultimately I see it being about preventing these explosive moments. Sometimes it is THAT simple. I can used the earthed/earthing side of me to ground the fire that is within me, so that I can nurture and harness it in the best way possible.

Time-Looping a Mistake. 400

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Last week I walked into a time-loop in my mind that I then remained within for the greater part of a week. This is what happened:

I met with someone whom I sort of looked up to and saw as a role model. In already going into the meeting with that attitude, I felt insecure and inferior. During the meeting I felt like the person was better than me, how I should be more like them, and also how I am already, is not good enough. It was like, seeing how great they were, made me see myself in a different light. Looking back, I can see how it was an idea about myself that dropped in that moment I compared myself to the other person, like before meeting them I had way too high thoughts about myself, and after I had way too low thoughts about myself – not really seeing myself there in the middle being equal parts good and bad.

So the point that I compared revolved around what food I am feeding my child, and I had until now seen myself as giving my child healthy and wholesome food. But this person was feeding their children with even MORE awareness, on a whole other level than I was, and compared to them, it was obvious to me that what I was feeding my child was virtually ‘unhealthy’ – and so I judged myself as being not a good enough mom to my child. So in one moment I went from being “quite ok” to being “not at all ok” – but what was even worse was that I reacted so promptly and so subtly to my own self-judgment that I went into a complete shut-down inside myself.

And it was only when my husband yesterday asked me: “Can you center yourself inside yourself?” that I slowly but surely started finding my way back to myself. I realize that this is a tendency I have, to deeply suppress reactions, especially when they are towards myself, realizing that I’ve done something wrong within self-judgment. I liken it to a child hiding a mistake because it knows it will be scolded.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into massive self-judgment and scolding when realizing that the food I have been feeding my child is not as good as I thought it was.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty and ashamed for having fed my child food that isn’t healthy.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to have created a relationship with making mistakes where I immediately go into massive self-judgment and shame the moment my mistake is revealed to me, causing me to in turn go into massive suppression to not have to ‘suffer’ from my own scolding – and so disconnect myself from my awareness to not have to face myself in/as self-judgment and scolding.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make it impossible for myself to learn from my mistakes because I immediately go into such judgment and self-blame that I suppress the mistake and even go into a suppressed state of living in relation to other parts of myself – all so that I don’t have to suffer from my own self-judgment, causing myself even more harm in the process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of self-punishment when I make a mistake that I judge and blame myself for, where I start treating myself and my body in a punishing way of not doing what is best for me but resort to past addictions and habits that I associate with being in that state of self-punishment and suppression.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not create a wholesome relationship with myself in making mistakes where I can face myself and face my mistakes with clarity and self-honesty and gentleness – and immediately and simply move into finding solutions and corrections as well as understanding why I made the mistake in the first place.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feed my child with a particular type of food simply because I saw other parents feeding their children with this food and considered them to be “proper” parents and so didn’t even question or consider the nutritional value of this food for myself because I blindly assumed that if other parents give their child this food, it must be ok.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of internal conflict towards whether to emphasize what is considered ‘healthy food’ or whether to be more relaxed about the food that my child eats, not judge certain foods as unhealthy – where I experience that both approaches are flawed in that one isn’t flexible and the other has the potential of trusting information that isn’t reliable – in which case I realize that I have the ability to make assessments for myself based on common sense in the moment, something that I’ve not dared to trust myself with until now.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold and hang on to a definition of myself as being someone who can’t be trusted to care for a body or provide a body with proper nutrition and so hold onto a judgment of me that keeps me in a limited position of agency – because I then have to rely on the information of others which I see as flawed, exactly because it’s not me having done the research myself and made decisions based on common sense and a holistic perspective on the body and on food.

Self-Corrective Statements.

When and as I see that I am judging myself for a mistake I’ve made where I feel that intense regret and blame towards myself, I stop myself, move myself to gentleness and understanding and drop the judgment so that I can see the mistake for what it is – and instead move to focus on a solution.

I realize that with my current relationship with mistakes, I’ve made it impossible for myself to correct my mistakes and as such I have ‘doomed’ myself to cycle in the same mistakes over and over – which is not what I want to live or model to my child.

I commit myself to take responsibility for myself and for my mistakes, to instead implement gentleness, understanding and self-acceptance in relation to mistakes – and not judge myself for not being perfect.
I commit myself to work on trusting myself through doing proper research and investigation on what foods are supportive for my and my child’s bodies.

The Mother of all Mothers. 399

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I have been facing some quite intense experiences in relation to my role as a mother in the recent weeks, and I have slowly but surely started to wrap my head around what has actually been going on within me, and why it has become so intense.

So what I have found is that I have created an delusional, unrealistic expectation to myself to be a perfect/optimal mother to my daughter, really like placing myself on a high horse in my mind and think that I am ‘polished/well-rounded/elite’ when it comes to my ‘skills’ at being a parent. And yes, for sure, there are aspects of parenting that I am kickass at. But of course there also plenty of aspects that I’m not. Every single personal issue I have with myself will somehow compromise or reflect on my parenting in a potentially consequential way. But I had created this delusional bubble of perfection in my mind (which I’ve realized is not the first time I’ve done), and so all my energy went into feeding that and making that real.

What this meant was that I only accepted the positive aspects of myself as a parent, and completely rejected all the negative aspects. So any experience of frustration or irritation or boredom, I would suppress. I would do my very best to sound upbeat, gentle and calm around my daughter, which I find I’ve been surprisingly good at. The only problem was that I started becoming more and more bitter and negative towards my husband.

Obviously it can be quite a turbulent period in new parents lives when a child arrives, but this was something more than that. The more positively I experienced myself with my daughter, the more negatively I experienced myself in relation to my partner – to the point where I actually considered if it would be best if we ended the relationship. He couldn’t do anything right, and I remember catching myself thinking that I would never treat a child this way. Eventually when it became really bad, the thought that I didn’t want my daughter to see or model me being this way towards her father – I stopped.

Looking back at my life, I see that I have been the same way with my cats which I’ve written about previously, and how I became neurotic in trying to give them the best home possible. But I even see how I’ve created similar delusions in the past, as my own made-up way to try to succeed in life (because I had no idea how to do it for real), so I’d create this elaborate fantasy of how I wanted things to be, and then I’d hold, hold, hold onto that as long as I possibly could, only for that bubble to burst as hard as all the daydreaming I had put into it.

So what I did today was that I embraced all that suppressed emotions that I had hidden from myself in relation to my daughter and especially also to being home with her alone. I allowed myself to embrace that feeling of being annoyed or irritated because she’s so wiggly and difficult to change clothes on. I embraced the experience of shear boredom I felt over being isolated at home with my child. And you know what, it was liberating and it was empowering, but more than anything, it supported me to relax more.

When you’re constantly trying to uphold a (totally unrealistic) expectation to yourself, a lot of hard work has to go into keeping that delusion going, so dropping all that, and instead facing what is here, gave me some ‘space’ within, to say the least.

I have realized that I resist just being here with my daughter, and I have admitted to myself that that is a problem and indeed very odd. Why would I resist being here, when I am already here? Why would that be something that scares me, bores me? So what I’ve been doing is, when that experience comes up, I deliberately immerse myself in the HERE moment, whatever it is. And the more I push myself to be here with my daughter, the less bored I feel, and the less irritated I feel.

And I have had this sneaking idea that it is like my daughter being here and me having the incredible privilege of staying home with her, is my chance and opportunity to learn how to be here, because in the past I’ve been able to resist it and blame it on not having time for example. But at the moment at least, I’ve got nothing but time. There are moments, and days where I can’t do much housework because my daughter needs me to be physically close to her at all times. Or I put her in her ‘backpack’ and strap her to my back. And since we live far out on the countryside, there isn’t many places to go, so we are for all intents and purposes ‘stuck’ here (today we went to the little local supermarket just to get out for a bit and see some people) – but maybe that is not a curse, but a tremendous blessing in disguise.

To be continued…

Escaping to Imagination Land, and its Consequences. DAY 398

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When I was a child, I used to lay in bed at night and as I was about to go to sleep I developed this technique of doing positive visualization or imagination to basically lull myself to sleep. So I would lay there and imagine my future life, the house I would live in, my future husband, how we’d meet etc. until I basically went into a state of unconsciousness and eventually fell asleep. I spent a lot of my childhood and early adult years being afraid or sad before going to sleep, so lulling myself to sleep this way became a way to soothe myself, as being alone in the dark would otherwise trigger anxiety and sadness within me.

Fast forward to today, I’ve been having an issue with severe pain in my hands over the past year or so and it has gotten so bad that I wake up with terrible pain in the middle of the night and can’t fall asleep again. The pain is of the nature where the hand feels like it is sleeping, it is incapacitated and feels totally numb. I can barely grab things or for example operate the keys on my phone with my fingers. But at the same time, it is like this numbness comes from or correlates with an experience of having way too much energy surging through the hands, because it basically feels like I’m being electrified on the inside, causing me to feel completely numb on the outside.

I asked a friend who is also a kinesologist for a consultation on my pain, to see if she could help with identifying any mind points that might be causing or contributing to my pain experience (I’m also going to the doctor again, but last time I went everything checked out fine).

So in consulting with my friend over several sessions, she showed me that the point has to do with a mental loop or infinite ping pong match of sorts between a negative foundation experience of myself and a positive imagination ‘cover-up’ that I use to not have to face my general negative experience of myself. I use positive imagination to suppress and hide my negative experience of myself, my sadness, my self-judgment.

The first immediate reference I could see, also because this pain in my hands is worst at night, is to this habit I have had of using positive visualization to lull myself to sleep. But really when I look at it, I’ve created an entire larger pattern of immediately using positivity as something soothing to suppress the negative inside me, whether I fear it or don’t want to face myself as it.

What comes up now as I write this is that this is not unlike how many parents give their children a pacifier or a piece of candy to get them to stop crying. I’ve recently discussed this with my partner in fact in relation to our daughter because I could see how, when she was sad and crying I would feel so bad in my heart for her, so I would start saying these soothing things and ‘shower’ her with love, like “Oh no, don’t cry baby. You’re ok. Mama loves you”. My partner on the other hand would go very upbeat and would try to distract our daughter from her pain/crying by trying to make her laugh/feel happy. It was quite interesting to see how both our strategies was to use positivity to get her to stop feeling sad/in pain/cry.

As I had investigated this point before and knew that it isn’t supportive for children, I then discussed it with my partner and together we looked at the potential consequences of us using positivity as a way to deal with sadness/pain/crying – and how it would be much more supportive to stand as an example of stability for our daughter and show her how she can remain stable and breathe through the pain/emotions.

But it is interesting how our first instinct (because that’s what we’ve been brought up with as children ourselves) is to respond to negativity with positivity, which, rather than being aimed at neutralizing the negativity is wanting to push it down – make it go away basically. When you do this, you don’t learn to deal with or look at the negative experience. You only learn that it is bad and dangerous and must be pushed away. And you learn that the positive will make the bad feelings go away.

As I kept investigating my own relationship between positive imagination and negative self-experiences, I could see how this is a pattern I’ve developed to a rather extreme degree, almost as a form of OCD, where, as soon as I experience anything negative inside myself, I immediately look to a positive experience to push it down. It could be food, watching TV series, speaking with someone or doing positive visualizations inside my mind.

Looking at a solution here, it is about stop trying to run away from facing what is inside me and to develop supportive tools of handling and embracing what comes up inside me or in my world – without running away from it/pressing it down being my go-to strategy.

Another experience perfectly related to this one that I’ve had in the past is an experience of finally getting ‘above water’, as though I am in a constant state of drowning (negativity) and then once in a while, I manage to get myself above water (feeling good/positive) and then I desperately want to stay there and want to believe it is real, and so I desperately flax my arms to stay above water, but eventually sink down below the surface again as my newfound state of positivity wasn’t real or substantiated in reality. While I am there, I convince myself it is real (because it would be so much easier) and I try to maintain this state for as long as possible – but it never lasts.

This also correlates with another experience I’ve had (this is the ping-pong I talked about earlier) of being stretched – or compartmentalized, in a tension field between this positive self-definition that’s like a veneer on the surface and a negative undercurrent experience of negativity. What I hadn’t realized however was that this positive experience existed with the sole purpose of holding the negative in check – and keeping it alive.

Here, I am somehow reminded of the Osho Zen tarot card called “The burden” which shows an image of a man carrying another man, that remarkably resembles him. The man who is being carried is pointing sternly to a direction in the distance while the man carrying him is looking completely exhausted. They’re walking up a mountain. Meanwhile a rooster sits on top the man who points his finger. The man below is dressed in rags while the one he is carrying is dressed in proper clothes like a noble man or something.

“A man’s true life is the way in which he puts off the lie imposed by others on him. Stripped, naked, natural, he is what he is. This is a matter of being, and not of becoming. The lie cannot become the truth, the personality cannot become your soul. There is no way to make the nonessential the essential. The nonessential remains nonessential and the essential remains essential, they are not convertible. And striving towards truth is nothing but creating more confusion.

The truth has not to be achieved. It cannot be achieved, it is already the case. Only the lie has to be dropped. All aims and ends and ideals and goals and ideologies, religions and systems of improvement and betterment, are lies. Beware of them. Recognize the fact that, as you are, you are a lie. Manipulated, cultivated by others. Striving after truth is a distraction and a postponement. It is the lie’s way to hide.
See the lie, look deep into the lie of your personality. Because to see the lie is to cease to lie. No longer to lie is to seek no more for any truth–there is no need. The moment the lie disappears, truth is there in all its beauty and radiance. In the seeing of the lie it disappears, and what is left is the truth.”

Osho This Very Body The Buddha Chapter 6

Interestingly enough I am also reminded by a different Osho Zen tarot card. This one is called Trust and it is my favorite card in the whole deck because of its image. It shows a figure, maybe a woman, or a child jumping into the unknown with open arms. All we can see of the unknown is a warm pinkish color and to me there’s always been this inner movement to this card, like I can see/feel myself taking this jump and it is extremely liberating.

So what does these two cards have to do with one another? Isn’t trust exactly about letting go of the burden of the past? The burden of control? Of thinking that I know where I am going. And the image that I relate so much to is about taking the leap into the unknown in/with trust that whatever happens, whatever is out there, I will land on my feet. The two images couldn’t be more different. One is about carrying an overload of unnecessary ideas and beliefs up a mountain, the other about taking a leap from that same mountain, letting go of the old and immersing oneself unconditionally in the new.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to develop supportive and effective ways and methods of directing what comes up within me as thoughts, emotions and feelings and that I have instead accepted and allowed myself to abdicate that responsibility to the mind and within following the mind, use suppression as a tool to stay sane and functional in my every day life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not forgive, and to, through and within self-respect, honor and love, direct and let go of my negative emotions of of shame, self-judgment, remorse, sadness and self-hate and self-loathing and that I have instead used positive imagination as the primary way through which I hide/hide from my emotions and negative experiences and emotions, where I, as soon as something comes up within me that I don’t want to face or fear facing, immediately turn to find something positive to focus on

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist letting go of my positive imagination and my ‘tricks’ to experience positivity because I fear that all I will be left with is the negative aspects of myself, not seeing, realizing or understanding that that is ALREADY what I am living with/within/as, and that all I am doing is playing a game of chasing my own tail in reverse, trying to escape something that is a part of me – AND that the only way to stop existing as these negative aspects, is to actually face – and embrace – myself as them so that I can change them from within

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create what we in Danish call a “infinity machine” as a pattern that is created in such a way that it can keep going without requiring outside fuel/power as it is running on its own momentum and so become stuck within and as it – where I switch between going into extreme negatives to extreme positives to neutral, over and over, without even noticing, because I am too preoccupied with trying to stay in / sustain the positive and trying to forget/erase/get rid of the negative

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see and accept myself as a permanently broken person who cannot be fixed, not realizing that seeing myself this way is a distinct manipulation and self-sabotage feature of the mind because it is like a ‘backdoor to holding backdoors open’ as being broken means that I can always use that as an excuse to not push myself or not change

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and live on a lie because I believe the truth about myself is not worth living, not seeing, realizing or understanding how event his ’truth’ about myself is a mentally constructed idea I have created about myself AND that I’ve to a certain extent made real through perpetuating and repeating it over and over

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to self-loathing and a general negative experience of and relationship with myself because of the energy I generate within me when I participate in these emotions which has a thick dense intensity to it, a depth almost, like it is saturated and filled – and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not consider how immersing myself in this energy could be a replacement for something that I am not living/giving to myself that is of life and support for me like real deep self-nurture and presence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, see or understand that the entire positive imagination and perception of myself that I’ve created in my mind is really nothing but a smoke screen behind which I hide the negative within myself; the shame, the remorse, the depression

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the solution to my negative ‘issues’ of how I see myself within/through negativity is that I have to become better, become a better person, not realizing how I am within that only perpetuating the negative image I have of myself as I am validating it – instead of dropping it all together and seeing and accepting myself as who I am – and correct the parts and aspects of myself that I see aren’t best for all, and celebrate and expand those that are

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in a fantasy, projection and imagination about myself where I believe and convince myself that I am ‘the best’, that I am ‘perfect’ – that I then expect myself to be able to live up to and live out, and when I cannot because it is totally unrealistic, I go into a deep pit of self-hate and self-judgment, where I think and believe that I am a total failure

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am setting myself up to fail by creating unrealistic expectations towards myself and by creating fantasies about my supposed grandeur

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to NOT live here in my immediate and direct reality and that I have instead created an addiction to fake realities in my mind that are based on fantasies, projections and imaginations and that I, because I have participated within them for so many years, aren’t even aware of anymore because it has become second nature to me to not be here

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize or be aware of the extent to which I am not here and that I am instead participating in fantasies, projections and imaginations in my mind

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use fantasies, projections and imaginations as a way to escape facing what is here in and as my current reality as a child because I did not know how to handle what was happening and what I experienced inside, and that I have because of that created an addiction towards escaping in my mind, that is now catching up with me through the consequences I have created in my body because of it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to trap myself in an addictive relationship with my imagination where I resist and refuse to let it go, because I use it to avoid facing myself here and avoid facing and dealing with things that are difficult or painful and so it has become something positive and safe within my mind, like a refuge I seek to to hide in

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise my actual reality and the potential for creating the best possible life here, because I am addicted to projections, fantasies, and imaginations in my mind

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold myself – but even others to the standards of my imaginary self where I am perfect and optimal in all ways, and therefore set myself up to fail because I can’t possibly live up to my own expectations, yet they’ve become second nature to me as I use them to make myself feel better and so I create an infinity loop for myself that I can’t get out of

Self-Corrective Statement

When and as I see that I am for a moment stepping out of my physical reality and into imagination/protection, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back here by for example focusing on something in my physical reality with my eyes or my hands or through feeling my body

I realize that I’ve been using imagination/projection/fantasies as a method to escape facing what is here as myself and I realize that I cannot escape facing what is here as myself and so all I’ve done is to postpone that moment of facing myself and that I have in that process created consequences for myself by building up suppressed inner experiences that have compounded inside my body

I commit myself to take responsibility for facing myself here directly in my reality and with the tools of self-support I have available to me, support myself to walk through what I am facing – and to stop using imagination to try to escape what is here and make myself more than who I am a

Reacting to Feeling Reprimanded and Being Corrected. DAY 397

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being reprimandedLike most people I’m sure, I don’t like being ‘reprimanded’ and as most others, I have developed defense and survival strategies to deal with the experiences that comes up within me when I experience myself being reprimanded. Today I had an experience of being reprimanded where I saw an interesting mechanism unfold within and through my mind.

First of all, I’d like us to have a look at the words “being reprimanded”: I see that the words/perception “being reprimanded” are very specific, because they bring back conscious and subconscious memories of being a child and being “told off” by an adult. In the situation where one is being reprimanded by an adult there is also a very specific dynamic going on, because it assumes that the adult is the authority, has full control over the child and knows what is right and wrong in the situation. The child is completely passive and have no choice but to take the reprimand for example in the form of verbal scolding. Experiencing oneself being reprimanded therefore is specific to feeling victimized, inferior and abused. The ‘correction’ comes from outside oneself with force. This goes hand in hand with feeling blame and resentment towards the adult, but also guilt for having done something that requires one to be reprimanded, where one internalize the judgment/abuse and believes that there’s something wrong with WHO one is due to the nature of the reprimand being somewhat abusive/judgmental in nature. It basically makes you feel bad about yourself.

Did you notice how, in none of this were there any talk about actually learning something, of growing from one’s mistakes, of gaining insight and understanding the world better and thereby being able to prevent mistakes in the future? There weren’t any talk of learning how to take responsibility for oneself either. And yet, we somehow expect children to learn how to do that, as though we can somehow scare them into becoming upstanding citizens, and not the passive aggressive, guilt-ridden people most of us has become, who repeat the same mistakes over and over, because we’ve never actually learned how to embrace our mistakes – and learn from them. To change that, we have to stop the perpetuating the cycles in ourselves.

Now – what I found so fascinating about today’s incident was that it was nowhere near a situation where I was being reprimanded as I were as a child. YET – I react to it the EXACT same way, as if I was back in my childhood body, feeling scolded and abused by an adult and feeling disgusting inside myself because I knew I had done something wrong and felt I deserved the scolding, while secretly hating the adult for making me feel this way.

In observing what played out today, I realized that this is a general reaction that comes up within me in certain situations where I perceive myself as being “corrected” by others or when others point out flaws or mistakes I have done. It is basically like I’ve created a mental ‘allergy’ towards being corrected that I within my mind place it into the category of “being reprimanded”/” being told off” and react to accordingly, exactly as when I was a child.

The reaction that comes up within me when I experience myself being reprimanded is one of immediate blame and self-victimization. So I’d basically experience myself as though someone is throwing an arrow at me, and before it has a chance to hit my chest, I catch it and send it right back at them so that it can’t hurt me.

Practically speaking it out play out in such a way where I would immediately look for flaws and faults in the other person’s argument. Like let’s say that they are saying to me “You didn’t do that thing that we agreed to last week.” I would immediately start searching for things like them not having been specific enough with the instructions or me not knowing that it was my responsibility to get it done, basically look for any and all excuses to get “off the hook” of having done something wrong.

Fortunately, I was able to see the mechanisms play out and stop them in real time and as I did that, I could see how I had in deed missed a point due to an abdication of responsibility on my part. I had neglected to direct a certain point, because of accepting myself to exist in a state of passivity towards a certain point, where I had come to take for granted that others would do things for me and where I had accepted myself to not put any effort into the point.

I would not have realized this if I hadn’t immediately identified and dropped my defense mechanism which is a shame, because it is actually a GOOD THING to realize bad shit about ourselves lol. I mean, facing what’s flawed about ourselves and directing ourselves to change that, is what self-growth is all about.

BUT because I had associated being “corrected” (which this wasn’t even. It was simply someone showing me what I had done) with being “reprimanded” and because I had created such a negative relationship to being reprimanded as a child, my fire walls immediately went up to justify and excuse my behavior.

Looking at it practically, how many times are we actually as adults being reprimanded by other adults? In my life: never. I mean, it could happen with a boss once in a while sure, or in a marriage, but it is not something I’ve personally experienced since being an adult. In fact, I actually see that we as adults are really bad at being able to tell each other when we’ve done something that might require a correction, exactly because we fear the backlash from the other person reacting to our words as though we’re reprimanding them!

This means that we can barely support each other to change, grow and expand, because we can’t even say “hey that thing you did/said back there, it wasn’t cool and I see that it can create these consequences. I suggest you have a look at changing it.” And when someone says something like this to us, what is the standard reaction of most of us? Feeling insulted, becoming defensive, brushing it off, excusing it – anything BUT actually looking at the point in self-honesty and going “you know what: I see what you are saying. Thank you.”

The reason for this is that we’ve created such a negative relationship to anything remotely related to mistakes/points that requires correction due to the way our mistakes are dealt with by adults when we are young. Adults reprimand children. They think that punishing children, excluding them, scolding them will make the child correct itself, but all it does it scare it into submission, a submission that can be subverted at any point, when the child becomes angry enough to defy the adult.

So – I would like to be able to be open and receptive when others show me points I can change or correct. I would like mistakes to be a thing to be celebrated, a healthy challenge for me to expand myself, to grow, to develop. I would like to meet mistakes head on and immediately look at how I can practically correct myself in the future, to prevent the same mistakes, not out of fear, but because I see the potential within myself to expand, to perfect myself, to become someone that I can be proud of and honor and respect.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate others showing me a point that I can correct/change/expand with being reprimanded and told off and scolded, that I then simultaneously invert into myself where I go into a state of self-judgment and self-blame and blame the person whom I perceive as scolding me for making me feel bad

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take it personal when I perceive and experience myself being reprimanded, scolded and told off and immediately go into a reaction of feeling inferiorized, victimized, abused and guilty and blame the other person for making me feel this way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go into a state of self-defense when I perceive that someone is correcting me because I associate being corrected with being reprimanded, scolded and told off and because I associate that with feeling victimized and abused

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that being corrected is the same as being reprimanded, scolded and abused and therefore immediately shut myself off from hearing anything that’s being said and immediately assume that I have to defend myself and so not listen or hear the person out and actually learn something about myself that I can expand from/within

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately attack someone that I perceive to be correcting me through finding flaws in them/their statement through which I can undermine their argument of correction so that I can justify not listening/hearing or taking what they are saying into myself and instead blame them and make it so that I either didn’t make a mistake/do something wrong OR that if I did, then they’re to blame for it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to immediately look for something I can blame the other person for, if they point out a point in me that requires correction, as a defense mechanism to not have to confront myself with the fact that I’ve possibly made a mistake/done something that requires correction which I’ve come to define as ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’ and something that I will be scolded and judged over and that I will judge and blame myself for and therefore have to avoid at all costs to not have a negative/bad experience within me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that making mistakes and doing things that creates unnecessary and detrimental consequences is not a bad thing and it does not reflect negatively on who I am if or when I do such things and that I can instead celebrate when I see a mistake/point to correct in myself because it is another opportunity for me to expand and become the person I want to be, as someone whom I am proud of, whom I honor and respect

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make mistakes/points that requires correction such a taboo within myself that I fear so much, that I’d rather defame someone else and compromise my relationship with them than admit to them or to myself that I’ve made a mistake/done something that requires correction

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the reason why I’ve repeated mistakes and kept doing things I knew I needed to correct over the years, is because I have been so afraid of admitting/facing mistakes/points that requires correction within myself that I’ve suppressed and denied them within me at all cost, to not risk being confronted with them and as such with the experience I remember from childhood of self-blame, self-judgment, victimization and shame

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame adults as a child, and so blame other adults now for being scolding and judgmental when pointing something out to me that requires correction and so blame them for me not admitting it or changing it and blame them for me feeling bad and suppressing myself – when in fact, I know that they didn’t know better. They were working with the tools available to them based on how they were raised which were in the exact same way in which I would’ve equally raised my kids, had I not started to change this within me, based on thus perpetuating the sins of the fathers in and through which we’re all as equally innocent as responsible

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take it personal and react when others react to things I’ve done that requires correction, instead of simply remaining stable within myself and within my relationship to mistakes as something that isn’t bad or wrong, but in fact a vital part of learning and growing, and so support the other person to see that too

Self-Corrective Statement

When and as another is pointing out something to me that they see I can change or correct and I see that I go into a self-defense reaction and don’t want to listen, I stop and I breathe. I relax and open my body and myself up to be be able to hear what they other person is saying and to unconditionally take their words in with gratitude so that I can learn and grow from them

I realize that it is an awesome opportunity to grow and learn when others are willing to show me my mistakes or points I can correct, because in this world, there are hardly anyone that dares to do that for another, let alone who cares enough about another to want to take the time (and risk the backlash) to support them to grow and develop themselves

I commit myself to embrace others that show me points I can correct and grow from and to be grateful for their assistance and support with showing me points about myself I might have not seen or that might have taken me years to see and that I now have the opportunity to walk through in the moment

I commit myself to humble myself and to be open towards hearing what others have to say, when they show me points I can change/correct

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