Throughout my life there has been a distinct theme of feeling alone vs. belonging to someone/something. And in many ways, this theme is now coming to the forefront in various ways in my life, where I find myself alone.
Why it is specifically relevant for me, is because I have created a life of self-rejection. I have rejected myself and so have sought everything I needed from outside myself: love, approval, safety, warmth, friendship, communication, support. I’ve sought it everywhere but the very place I needed to go to truly find it; myself.
And now it is like life is conspiring to make sure that I face this point once and for all, and for that I am grateful. I often wake up in the morning with a sad, melancholic experience that I relate to this aloneness. It is an experience of being untethered, and having no solid ground under me, provided by having the guidance and presence of others in my life previously.
So – I see how I’ve used others to anchor myself to, as I’ve felt untethered and unsafe in life. Inside of me, I am a very free being, with few limits, and I tend to be very ‘mental’, like I spend a lot of time in the mind, rather than grounded in physical reality, and so I’ve often felt and experienced that I don’t belong in this world, and certain not in this practical world lol where one has to do practical things in a certain order and organization. But I realize that I thrive when I am part of a structure, when there is a frame around me, and certainly when I focus on being more physically present.
But it has been a dilemma for me, because I have rejected myself. I’ve seen myself as a loser and as a bad person, because I struggle with simple every-day things that other people seem to handle easily.
I realize now that I am on my own, totally personal journey through this universe, through this time-line, that can not be compared or measured up against anyone else’s. And I realize that my problem mostly has to do with a) rejecting myself and reacting to myself and b) being out of balance.
Because who I am is essentially awesome lol. All I gotta do is to come fully into myself in a sustainable and supportive way, meaning that I’ve got to ground myself. I’ve got to be that for myself which I’ve sought in other people; stability, structure, belonging, support.
And then I also realize another thing, and that is that I am still immersed in a mind-based way of living that sees everything in a very linear, inflexible way. An example is the idea that you’re supposed to have reached a certain level in life by a certain age. But that is not real stability, or a real or supportive frame.
So a lot of this also has to do with creating a new, framework that is flexible enough to accommodate for the multidimensional nature of reality where everything constantly moves an changes.
And in this, I realize that I can shift my relationship from ‘other people’ to ‘everyone’, like when I see myself being a part of and in a relationship with everyone and everything that exists, I don’t feel alone anymore. But I can contextualize my aloneness as a necessary point in time that I need to be, in order to fulfill my part in this whole thing; to bring myself home to the whole.
I’ve felt such a desperation to “be a part of “, to “belong”, to be “connected”. Like, if I go for a physical treatment like a massage for instance, I am soaking it up and dreading the moment when it’s over. If I get a hug, I want the hug to continue, and then I want more hugs all the time. I have this weird relationship with life where I just so want to be in it, and yet I feel like its never enough. And I most certainly feel like I’m too much for other people lol.
And I can’t really explain it, but I see that the solution lies in surrendering myself to life as a whole – and actually, rather than receiving, being the one who gives all these things – but before I can give it to anyone else, I got to give it to myself.
I have such a deep passion and love for life, and for the journey that we’re all on here.
And so I see that I need to come fully into my weirdness lol, and bring all of me to the table, but it scares me to do so, because I’m still part of this world system, and I’m scared to be rejected, but even having to reject people and situations myself, in order to stand in full integrity with myself, truly living in the moment, and not holding myself to anything else besides the truth of who I am in this here moment. This is where I get scared of becoming too ‘liquid’, too flowy, too untethered. And this is where I have to stand totally and utterly alone. Because no one can walk this but me. I’m not even sure anyone else could understand this strange journey that I’m on, truly feeling like Alice going into a rabbit hole, yet everything still looks ‘normal’, and on the outside, nothing has changed. I still got to do dishes, go to work, take care of my kid.
And I’m at this point of having to step into it, not knowing where it will take me, and I resist and I hold on, and I don’t know exactly how I take this first step. But one thing is for sure, I’m going there, into the unknown, into the alone.
I’m sharing this because, despite me being on this journey alone, I’m not alone, and I know that there are others who may sit with a similar point. And so I’m sharing this as a point of support for you.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must and need to be in control of life, and in control of myself, and to exert this control by monitoring and managing myself on a mental level through constant analysis, because I fear that I am too free and too open to exist without being controlled and ultimately held down and held back so that I don’t float away
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to attempt to use the mind to create a stability and grounding/anchoring for me, because I had given up on and rejected myself, and deemed myself incapable of being the one who holds myself, as I interpreted myself through the matrix standards and found myself wanting, not realizing that my capacity and capability to hold myself, is at a physical level, and at a beingness level, which runs on totally different parameters, that isn’t necessarily in alignment with the matrix
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear creating and stepping into a trust of myself to guide and hold myself, because I knew that it would mean that I would step out of the rules of the matrix to some extent and that this would create consequences that wouldn’t necessarily be pleasant and that it would mean that I would risk ostracization and attacks.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself by not seeing or realizing that the fear of being ostracized by not following the rules of the Matrix and my mind, is a preprogrammed firewall existing to ensure that we as human beings don’t step out of line and become self-directed
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to force myself to follow rules of the matrix and my mind, out of fear of being bad and doing something wrong, and being told that I am bad, even if it compromises my integrity and self-honesty and me and my body’s well-being.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to seek stability, support, love, compassion, warmth, safety and belonging in the arms of other people only, because I had totally and completely rejected myself, not even considering that it would ever be possible for me to give that to myself, as I saw myself as nothing, as something that is so bad that all hope it has is to by the good graces of other people, and by being in service to them, be allowed in.
I commit myself to develop ways to hold myself and create stability in my life and for myself.
I commit myself to stop depending on other people to give to me, what I haven’t yet given to myself, and rather focus on learning how to give that to myself.
I commit myself to embrace this journey of aloneness as a beautiful and gracious thing.
More to come when the moment allows.