I AM THE MAN and The World is My Oyster. 427
There are a lot of taboos in the world that are keeping us from seeing who we really are, and in turn prevents us from changing. One of these taboos is what I will be working with here.
It is a dimension that exists inside me as an undercurrent personality design, and we all have such ‘secret selves’ that we thoroughly hide from the world and from ourselves, but that comes through in moments through reactions and acting them out.
So as I write, I am diving deeper into this part of myself, to open it up and explore it, with the ultimate goal of forgiving and releasing it. I suggest to, as you read, breathe, and open yourself to the information, and to be open to the possibility that you too have such a figure roaming inside of you. Who knows? You might be surprised. What I’ll be sharing is not an absolute definition of this design. It is merely a dimension that may also be relevant for you.
There’s a part of me that desperately wants to be SEEN, that wants to be glorified and worshiped and adored by the masses, to have the permanent authority and trust of the people, who wants my voice to be the only voice that is listened to, who wants to be the one who is at center and in focus, that others look to for vision, for support, for love, to give money to and to cherish. As I am writing this, I am realizing that this ‘thing’ within me is not ME. Because I recognize it in almost every businessman and politician on the planet.
Sometimes I act out from this place, and sometimes others play along. That makes me feel powerful and invincible and godlike. Righteous. My word is law.
Other times, I feel deeply insecure and confused, like a small baby who’s taken on a challenge that is way too big for her small body and mind. I think “how did I ever think that I could be so big, so great, so powerful? Look at me, I’m just a puny little human. I’m a baby.”
I talked to my friend about this experience, and she supported me in such a beautiful way to see how, my feeling like a baby is there to balance me, to stabilize me, and ground me, and make sure I don’t lose myself in the smoke of power, in the allure of being ‘greater’ and ‘better’ and ‘more than’ others. And she’s right.
Humility has been an extremely important part of my process, and when I do not live humility as a constant companion that levels and grounds me, and keeps me connected to everything and everyone else on earth, and I fly off into mental realms of superiority, life will drop me on my ass, and I’ll fall as hard and as brutally as I lifted my ass of the ground, and thought of myself as a heavenly creature. I am always hurt when this happens, and I am always grateful.
I would rather be dropped on my ass a thousand times, and at least be real, than I would live in a delusion of grandeur while I annihilate others and make them my slaves. It is more important to me to be real, than to be right.
But then there is the allure. The self-infatuation, the superiority. What to do about that? The first thing that comes to mind, which is also why I’m writing about this, is to kick it to the curb. “You don’t get to be here. You’re wrong and bad and evil, and we don’t want you. Thank you and goodbye.” But wait a minute. What is that voice? Isn’t that the exact same righteous voice that I was going to kick to the curb? Ah, so it’s a loop. I’m the hammer and the head that it’s beating on at the same time.
I thought about making this a private writing, but I see how important it is to share processes like this, and to embrace the taboo of the delusion of grandeur with forgiveness and understanding.
I wrote yesterday that “I’m here to celebrate that which is ready to come alive and give radical grace to that which is not.”
Well, this is one of those points that wants to have all the cake to itself and that doesn’t want to share, or budge, or change, and so it is a point that needs my forgiveness and understanding, not my condemnation. And that is what I will do.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to condemn and judge that which I define as my ‘ego’ as that of me which wants to be seen, be powerful, be adored and in charge, because I am ashamed that I have this aspect existing inside me still, which I feel and experience contaminates the rest of me, and therefore is something that I must hide and try to quietly get rid of, instead of embracing this part of me as a part of me that simply needs to be seen, and recalibrated.
I forgive myself that I, because I am ashamed of and is judging my ego, as that of me which wants to be seen, be powerful, be adored and in charge, I suppress and deny it within me, and pretend like it doesn’t exist, so that I don’t have to face it or confront it, when that is in fact the exact thing that is needed for me to be able to change this part of me into something that is supportive and in alignment with what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of exploring my own ego, because I am afraid of my own ridicule, judgment and condemnation, and thereby lock myself into a gridlock I can’t get out of, a catch 22, where I can’t change or move forward, and practically condemn myself to keep living in this relationship with myself of being the hammer and the head that I’m hitting it with, and thus giving myself permission and authority to keep living this ego-dimension because I am not here to give it direction or meaning or life.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself that I have a part of me that wants to be seen, be powerful, be adored and in charge, that wants to be the center of attention, and the one people listen to, partly because I’ve made it a taboo inside of me, and because it is a taboo in society, and partly because I want to keep living it, because I like it there, I like the feeling of being powerful and superior and godlike, and I like when people give me that attention and adoration.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of and judge myself for the fact that there’s a part of me that fully believes that I am righteous in this position of being ‘above’ others, that I am so brilliant, so amazing that I absolutely deserve to be the only one that’s listened to, to be the one that inspires and moves everyone else, and that sees others as ‘down below’, as ants to my godlike figure.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience, and seek a sense of safety through the experience of control of being the one that leads, the one that holds the vision, the one that everyone else turns to, because I feel like things gets so unsure and uncertain and complicated when everyone’s voice has to be heard, that things become muddy and I lose my ground, and it becomes chaotic and confusing, which makes me lose my footing and I feel insecure, untethered and ungrounded and paralyzed
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience a sense of indignation when I do NOT get the recognition, fame and adoration that I believe that I am entitled to, that others should be giving me, especially if others are getting it, and I am not
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel robbed and dethroned when someone else gets the attention that I believe that I should be getting, where it leaves me feeling empty and abandoned, frankly like I don’t exist anymore, like I only exist when others are there to confirm and root on me, and follow my lead.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to get high, and be turned on, energetically speaking, at looking at myself inside my mind, and seeing how brilliant I am, how innovative, how eloquent, feeling like the world is my oyster and I have a right to drink that motherfucker in, in any way I please because I am so fucking on top that no one and nothing can touch me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel good about no one being able to touch me, feeling invincible and on top, like I can’t be caught, no one can catch up to me, because I’m standing on a peak high above them, like I’m above the clouds even, where the air is clear, and I can see for miles and miles, and I don’t have to be part of the sluggish, dense, confusing experience of being a mediocre human being, where everything is so multi-dimensional and uncertain, and you don’t know who you can trust.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create the experience of being THE ONE (in this particular context) based on an experience of needing to cope with the uncertainty and messiness of current life on the planet, where, if I am the one who decides, if it is my way or the highway, and at least I know myself, at least I know my own inner landscape and patterns, and so feel more safe in being the only one in charge
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel small and puny and insecure, when I look at the road I have before me, in terms of the potential that I see within me, and the path that I have chosen in this life, to make a big difference in the world, using all of myself and dedicating my life to this purpose, feeling like my purpose and path is too big for me, especially having to walk the terrain of this world with its pitfalls and garbage dumps and sinkholes and human nasitines and ambiguity, having no one to walk beside me, feeling like it is too much and I can’t do it.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become insecure and uncertain, and feel like I’m an imposter, a baby, a fake, when I see others who are doing what I am set out to do, and feel like they are so much more eloquent than me, that they have great confidence and trust in themselves, like they are beyond me, that it seems like they’ve gotten life sorted out and when I compare myself to them, I feel like the biggest loser, thinking that I have no business following such big dreams and wanting to take such a position in life as they are, and then all I want to do, is hide in shame over having ever thought that I was this big man who could take on the whole world. I cover in shame at seeing my own words, all high and mighty, regretting the promises I made, because now I am nothing but a blob in a human form, useless, worthless and utterly unseen.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience and participate in an internal conflict towards the fact that brilliance and existential leadership and such clarity of being can exist within me at the same time as this puny little blob of unworthiness also exists within me, thinking that the blob inevitably invalidates the brilliance, taints it and makes it invalid, when in fact, it is my blob who is my humanity, who keeps me tethered to the real world and the real experience of the people, whom I am here to assist, as they assist me.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, when I experience moments and periods of a more flow of brilliance, to try to stay in that state, to try to make it sustainable, because everything would be so much more simple, if I was the single point that everyone else followed, and I was validated to do so, without reprisal or fear of attack.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated, weary and uncertain about the prospect of living with everyone else in equality, because it gets so messy, and so complicated and muddy and unclear, and because it is so multi-dimensional, it feels daunting, like being inside a whirlwind or a stormy ocean, where I fear losing my footing any moment.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I’ve been trying to use the mind’s logic to cope with my experience of uncertainty, that if I were on top, the one who defines everything and is given permission by others to do so, everything would be more simple, when in fact the answer lies in diving into the stream of multi-dimensionality without resistance or holding on, to let myself submerge in it, be surrounded and permeated by it and to, through breath, remain centered in the singularity of my own being, holding the particular blueprints that I have uniquely sourced through my process as the beacon for my movement in this world, as a clear canal through the stormy waters, where I don’t fear the waters, but let them absorb me and hold me, and let myself melt into them and merge with them, without losing sight of my own path.
[Image by John Towner for Unplash]
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