From Feeling Awkward and Trying to Impress Others TO Embracing My Unique Awesomeness. 414

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In this post I’ll be exploring this ‘thing’ I have about wanting to be seen/adored/recognized, to want to impress others, and although its been with me since I was a child, it is time that I get to the bottom of it and let it go, because I see that it’s hindering me to fully step into the next phase of my life. One of the aspects of this has to do with being willing to be ‘ugly’ and ‘unpopular’ and to stand totally behind my own message without compromising for the sake of impressing others.

So one of the things I’ve noticed in relation to the desire to be seen/adored/recognized, is that it partly stems from my own childhood, and my relationship with my mother, but there is even a generational pattern, that I recognize from my mother and grandmother, that has to do with feeling like we, in our family, have a ‘chip’ on our shoulders, like we’re not ‘fancy’ enough. I could imagine that it goes back multiple generations. And so there’s a need to overcompensate, because there’s a belief that I’m inherently not good enough, that I am an ‘bad apple’.

It is also a convenient program installment to be placed into a person who is as free as I am, because it successfully prevents me from living the full capacity of my being, which may be scary and provoking and which may piss people off. But as long as I am concerned about people ‘liking’ me, I won’t ever take it too far, and that means that it’s safe for the matrix, to not threaten its firewalls. And I’m basically then perpetuating and signaling to everyone else that they too shouldn’t express fully, and as such I contribute to upholding the status quo.

I’ve found it frustrating that I still have this ‘thing’ in me, that tries to impress others, and get others to see me. It has embarrassed me, because it is so obvious to me when others do it, how they try to come off as more, but it is so obvious to everyone around them, that they are feeling insecure and inferior. And I’ve struggled to understand why it’s still ‘in me’, because my sense of self-worth has significantly increased over the past few years. I know that I don’t have any reason to want to be seen as more than I am. I am already enough.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed and ashamed because I try to impress others and show them I am more, when I know very well that the signature that this behavior exposes, is one of feeling less than and inferior, and that people often react to it, which interestingly enough, the fact that I am concerned about this and feel embarrassed is clearly showing an insecurity within me, where I inferiorize myself in relation to other people and worry about what they think about me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of mind, as a mental holding cell of self-limitation and diminishment, where I worry about what others think of me, and desperately try to get them to like me, because I believe that I am dependent on making others like me for my survival in this world.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I connect with people through my being and through my heart, I yield results and support that is transformative, fundamental and substantial in a whole different way, than when I try to please them and coddle them into doing what I want, through being likable.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to develop a habit of saying things to impress people when I feel awkward and disconnected from them, in affect, disconnecting myself even further from them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as weak for trying to impress others, feeling like I shouldn’t still have this behavioral pattern in me, when the fact of the matter is that there must still be a part of me that feels so small that it needs to assert itself as more than it is

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must compensate for my shortcomings of being overweight and of being (feeling, really) socially awkward, and essentially thinking and believing that there’s something wrong with me in the core of my being, that means that others will reject and hate me and won’t want to play with me (yes that’s how my mind phrases it)

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think as a child that there’s something wrong with me, because I don’t fit in in the groups I’m apart of and because I’m seeing them from ‘underneath’ which makes it difficult for me to engage fully as I’m equally observing and perceiving myself, creating a double analysis situation which makes me feel awkward and unnatural because I cannot effectively participate in play with other children, as I’m always conscious of myself and of the dynamics taking place between the children

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react to my own nature, to take it personal and judge myself for being on the outside and feeling awkward, thinking that this makes me wrong

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, as a child deceive myself into believing that ‘the world/society’ IS what it presents itself to be, and so that there must be something wrong with me to not fit in, and so I must try to be better, because I find it scary and daunting to trust what I see, and question the nature of the dynamics going on between people and in groups

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, as a child, feel utterly alone and isolated and cut off, because I don’t see or experience anyone else seeing the world as I do, and instead of approaching myself with love and integrity, turn it inwards towards myself, judge myself and hate myself for being ‘off’, not seeing that this is in fact one of my greatest gifts and something to be honored and cherished

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, as a child, deliberately convince myself to trust what I see as the two-D/three-D reality in front of me that is presented by and interpreted through the mind, and so believe that everyone else is normal, because they’re appearing to have no trouble interacting in an effective way with one another, not realizing or considering that others could equally be seeing me that way as I’ve always agreed to pretend and to act according to the normalized and agreed upon interaction

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to wanting to show others how smart I am, how wise, and brilliant, because it gives me a buzz and a thrill inside my body to show off, and even more when I do get the validation that I’m longing for, not realizing that this is nothing more than an addiction to an energetic ‘high’, where I’m trying to get to a point of self-worth and being comfortable in myself and accepting myself and feeling at home in myself through getting others to like me, but because its based on projections and externalized energy, its merely an experience and doesn’t substantiate in the body, and therefore I have to get a ‘fix’ again and again to generate the experience of feeling good and worthy inside myself, instead of actually focusing on developing a real sense of worth, and making a real home of myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and develop a survival strategy and then a game out of getting others to like me and accept me, and even adore and admire me throughout these years, in an attempt to get away from feeling awkward and wrong and embarrassed about myself because I don’t fit in.

Self-Commitment

I commit myself to stop myself when I feel the need to impress, as I realize that this behavior has become addictive, and that I need to stop myself at a physical level.

I commit myself to embrace and accept myself in my glorious ‘out of the box’ness, without seeing myself as better or more than others, and to humble myself every time I see that I am going into specialness or superiority within me, to remind myself that this is simply me finally opening myself up to my gift, and while it’s totally ok for me to celebrate and cherish that, it doesn’t mean that everyone else isn’t equally awesome. It simply means that they are on their own time-line, in their own process, and I have a responsibility to help them discover and develop their gifts, as I have opened up to mine.

I commit myself to pay attention to where I am at and how I am feeling inside myself when I walk into group situations or interaction type situations because I realize that this is when my need to impress is triggered the most, and to do SF on any awkwardness that comes up, and make sure that I stay connected with myself and with my own integrity of being who I am.

I commit myself to pay attention to my interaction with people online where I most often express myself in writing, which is one of my strengths, and to stop myself as soon as I see that I am going into that energetic ‘buzz’ of feeling more than, and ask myself if I’m expressing just to impress people and whether what I’m saying is relevant.

I commit myself to honor my need to share and connect with the world and with others, and to turn something that has been a weakness into a strength, through keep sharing myself openly and vulnerably and to continue to develop my own relationship with myself, and my seeing of the undercurrents of human interaction and to direct them accordingly, to be best for all.

Check out DIP Lite to learn how to use writing to free yourself.

[Photo by Anton Darius | @theSollers on Unsplash]

Looking at 10 Years through the Review Mirror. 413

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I’ve been wanting to do a 10 year review, because I know that these types of exercises are supportive for me. I tend to have a rather bleak look at my own progress/success, so this type of exercise is supportive for me to push myself to ALSO look at how far I’ve actually come in 10 years. So a couple of days ago I signed up to join Mel Robbins #Bestdecadever prompt, in which we during 6 days in the beginning of January will be exploring our dreams for the decade. This is the first exercise:

Write down the three times you felt most excited or energized in the last ten years. Think of what you were doing, who were you with, and where you were.

I will take Mel’s words and then I will explore them from a starting-point of looking at when I was most ME, at peace with myself, in total flow of my being and who I am with my beingness opening up.

1. 10 years ago when I first found Desteni and started listening to and reading the Desteni material. It is the first time in my entire life, that information has penetrated my very core so profoundly as that did, and I’ve read a TON of self-help books and spiritual books. So how I view my life now, there’s a “before Desteni” and “after Desteni.” It is literally two different lives. And those first months, I would sit and absorb everything I possibly could get my hands on. It was like my entire self was cracked wide open, and as painful as it was, it was equally glorious and such a huge relief to finally understand this existence and (to some extent) myself in it. It was literally like finding water in an endless desert.

2. When I teach, write, do tarot readings and support people through my unique way of communicating. I can understand how artists sometimes feels like they are muses of divine inspiration, because it is like all of existence opens itself up, but in a kind of boundless, liquid type of way, where I can see everything at once, yet grab nothing, and all I can do is to let it flow through me, as a point of being creative and a creator. The other aspect of this is when my words and actions support others on a fundamental level. This is my favorite thing in the whole world, to be an instrument of helping all of us on our way Home. It is also why I love Mel Robbins so much.

3. Giving birth to and being a mother to my daughter. I have never enjoyed myself so much as I do with her, and being her mom is a constant source of inspiration and motivation. I am proud of who I am as a mother, and I am proud of who she is as a person. And I simply love being with her.

What big goals have you accomplished in the last ten years? What are you most proud of?

10 years ago, right before finding Desteni I was: 

  • Homeless by choice (bouncing around house sitting in an attempt to free myself of the Matrix. Joke was on me as I realized later that I AM the goddamn Matrix, i.e. it is inside of me.)
  • I had several addictions, including a daily marijuana and cigarettes addiction.
  • I struggled severely with connecting with others on a deeper level. I had few close relationships.
  • I had cut off all contact with my family.
  • I was on welfare or working odd jobs
  • I had no plans for the future
  • I was an emotional mess
  • I avoided paying my bills or doing my taxes.
  • I did not eat well or treat my body well. I ate a lot of sugar and junk.
  • I did no exercise.
  • I talked to no one about how I truly felt inside.

Today after having walked with Desteni for the past 10 years I: 

  • Haven’t touched a drop of alcohol or any form of drug in 10 years.
  • Live on a beautiful and big farm together with my husband, child and mother in law (she owns the farm) and a bunch of animals.
  • Together with my husband I’ve been able to create a small savings account (something I’ve NEVER done in the past)
  • I have a Master’s degree in educational sociology.
  • I have several long term jobs behind me, including, teacher, counselor for refugee youth, process leader, and educational director and community college teacher.
  • I’ve created a new course for teaching assistants all by myself. (my current job)
  • I’ve supported 10+ people as a coach in the DIP program
  • I’ve been an admin and main director for a Facebook group for porn addicts that had over 20.0000 members before Facebook shut it down.
  • I’ve been an admin and creator of many other Facebook groups.
  • I’ve been an admin on DIP Lite.
  • I’ve had a paying coaching client.
  • I’ve run a Women’s circle online for 1 year (had to stop it early due to illness).
  • I’ve written more than 1600 Instagram posts that has been liked over 20.000 times.
  • I’ve written at least 400 personal blog posts, and around 200 blog posts in my Teacher’s Journey to Life.
  • I’ve done a training session/workshop for parents at a festival about Deschooling
  • I’ve brought a class of 20 students through a 1 year degree to become teaching assistants (and am bringing another 20 through now). I’m teaching them everything I know about children and education.
  • I’ve been an activist working for children’s rights for the past 6 years.
  • I’ve gotten married and birthed my first child
  • I’ve changed my diet significantly and now love to cook and experiment in the kitchen.
  • I eat supplements and brush my teeth (I struggled with this in the past).
  • I work tirelessly to inspire parents to change the world from within (and through their parenting) on a daily basis through sharing my insights and journey through parenting on Instagram and Facebook.
  • I am a published author with a chapter written in the International handbook of progressive education about the french educator Celéstin Freinet
  • I have written a foreword to a book about punk in education.
  • I have done more than 100 videos
  • I have started a podcast
  • I have created a family co-op and work to inspire others to do the same
  • I have written several featured articles in national newspapers, both in swedish and in danish.
  • I wrote my master’s thesis in english and now master english nearly as my mother tongue, and I’ve learned to speak swedish. I use all three languages every day.
  • I have two cats that I take care of and about 20 houseplants that are thriving.
  • I’ve decorated a beautiful home.
  • I drew and designed our kitchen.
  • I’ve started learning to master my emotions, and I can now move myself from a ‘mood’ or emotional state and into stability and clarity.
  • I’ve reconnected with my family.
  • I’ve been with the same man for 10 years.
  • I’ve become a part of my partner’s family and love them dearly.
  • I’ve gotten close friends all over the world, that are near and dear to my heart.
  • I’ve gotten feedback from people I’ve never met that I’ve changed their life.
  • Started reconnecting with my beingness and my inner strength, and opened up my inner vision.
  • Have done a ton of Pilates and Yoga.

What did you not complete that you wish you had accomplished?

  • I am overweight, which I wasn’t 10 years ago, but it’s something I want to change, more than anything for my body’s sake.
  • I have the exact same body issues I had 10 years ago, despite weighing 40 kg more.
  • I still have some self-worth issues that I am working on change.
  • I would have liked to have my own (successful) business by this point, and not have to be employed by others.
  • I am not yet effective at being in a relationship.
  • I still tend to get emotional from time to time.
  • I haven’t yet fully learned how to work with money and administrative tasks.

What do you think held you back or kept you stuck?

  • The fact that I still rely too much on my mind and trust what comes up in my mind
  • That I don’t dare to trust myself
  • That I follow and listen to my insecurities
  • That I try to get ahead of myself and forget to bring myself with me
  • That I’ve swung between extreme polarities instead of developing equilibrium
  • That I haven’t stuck to the basics of doing self-forgiveness, breathing and writing
  • I created and founded a network of schools around Sweden.

That’s it for now for Mel Robbins exercise. Next we’re looking at goals for 2020 and the next decade.

I AM READY. BRING IT ON. 

I’d also like to say that I’m a bit gobsmacked in realizing how much I actually accomplished and moved myself in 10 years. And this is by no means an exhaustive list. I could have kept going. And I’m happy to report that yes, I am proud of myself.

Saying NO as an Act of Radical Self-Care (or How Being a Perfect Mother became my Downfall). 412

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The other day, my daughter and I were purchasing things in a local health shop, when the cashier struck up a conversation with me about being a mother. I was a bit distracted and apologized to her. One of the things she said was: “Don’t worry about it. I know what it’s like. I haven’t had a connecting thought for several years”

So I started thinking about that, and looking at it inside myself, and I realized that since having my child, and even more since she started talking, I’ve been forced to change the way I process and deal with things inside me. When you have a child, their needs take precedence, and I know many mothers who become so completely caught up in taking care of their child’s needs, that their own needs disappear into the background, and that’s not healthy. But why do we do it then?

When my daughter started speaking, she also never stopped lol. She’s a talker (like me, I was exactly the same) and she’ll chew my ear of the entire day. So when I for example am busy preparing for us to go somewhere and want to check everything inside myself, she’s there, asking for things, demanding my attention. It is also often so that I have just started doing something, when I’m interrupted and have to take care of her instead.

This is a problem, only because I throughout my life have been a peoplepleaser who’s afraid of saying no. It’s literally a taboo inside of me to NOT give my child attention and give her what she wants. This makes me feel under a constant pressure to give. A lot of it probably has to do with how I don’t want to be like I perceived adults when I was growing up. So I’ve taken it to the opposite extreme of feeling like I have to be constantly “open for business” in terms of being present, listening, caring and attentive.

She is also not like this when she’s with my husband who is much more internalized and individualized in his nature. When she’s with him, each of them is doing their own thing, so it’s something that I originate with the way I’m approaching her.

I’ve been thinking about how, the way I feel I’m being disrupted, is actually very similar to how the mind is; constantly chatting and disrupting my natural flow. So I’ve thought that if I can learn to stay centered and focused when she’s chatting, it can help me to also not allow the mind to push me around. My buddy brought up an interesting point here though; that my daughter is actually supporting me to remain grounded, here, instead of going into the mind, and I hadn’t looked at it that way.

Another friend brought up the topic of “ghost mothers” which basically refers to a mother that’s there physically, but who is vacant otherwise; she’s like a ghost. She was saying that it is something that happens a lot to sensitive, empathic moms who tries so hard to be fully, completely present, that they lose their sense of Self, and end up as shells of a ghost, doing the motions, but not being fully there.

I also talked to my partner about it, and he brought up the fact how he actually avoids thinking about, or looking at things when he’s with our daughter. So he for example prepares everything they need for the day before hand, so that he doesn’t have to stress about it when he’s with her (and she’s chewing his ear off lol). He also doesn’t look at work stuff inside himself when he’s with her. All of these things I do. I try to be everywhere at once, be everything at once, have everything present with me all the time, and it becomes like a pressure cooker that eventually erupts because I hold everything within me, and never let go. And then I do “ME” time but all I have the energy for (because I’ve given all of me all day) is watching a show or reading a mindless book on my phone, which does not support me to release energy and come back to my being.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I, in my attempt of being totally present and perfect for my child, and for everyone and everything else, actually have become the exact opposite, where I check out, become irritated and annoyed and emotional, and cannot function properly, because my mind is constantly everywhere at once

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try to hold and manage my entire world inside of me at once, constantly, all the time, instead of utilizing the physical tools and methods I have available for me, to make things more practical and tangible and to take the pressure of myself, my body and my mind

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be overly ambitious and arrogant about what I think I am able to handle, and to just pile on more and more things and responsibilities, without having effective ways of managing or handling them, to the point where I become so stressed, that I start failing at things, and my body takes a huge strain

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take on things that I know deep down that I don’t have the capacity to handle right now, and yet I do it anyway, because I feel like I can’t say no, because I feel like I’ll be missing the train on an opportunity that I don’t know will come again

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to waste other people’s time, and to cause consequences in their lives because I haven’t taken proper responsibility to admit to myself what I can, and cannot handle, and so say yes to things I shouldn’t

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a delusional idea about what it means to be a good mother, where I think that it’s about being at my child’s beg and call, to constantly keep her satisfied and satiated, and to constantly compromise my own wants and needs in her favor, not realizing how this behavior is actually causing me to become the exact opposite – where it causes me to pull away, disengage, become irritated and disconnected from her, because I disconnect from myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being a bad mother if my child become dissatisfied because I don’t engage with her the way she wants me to in the moment, or give her what she wants, instead of realizing that in my fear of being a bad mother, I’m actually becoming exactly what I fear

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not to realize that I can be present, connected, caring and attentive towards my child, without loosing my connection with myself. That its about me not being everywhere all at once, but about being present here in the moment, and being here for ME and for whomever or whatever I’m with in the moment, and that’s it.

Self-Commitment

I commit myself to work on creating routines that allows me to remain focused with my child because I don’t have to think about and look at things inside myself when I am with her.

I commit myself to push myself to focus on the present moment and what I am doing here right now

I commit myself to focus on reconnecting with myself, and to allow myself to give myself focus, attention and care, and to say no

I commit myself to show and express more care for myself, by checking in with my own wants and needs

I commit myself to give more care, attention and focus to ME

I commit myself to say NO as an act of radical self-care.

[photo by Steinar Engeland]

Check out http://lite.desteniiprocess.com to learn how to use the writing technique I’m using here to empower myself on a deep level.

How to Stop Being High Strung. 411

Throughout my life, I’ve been what I would describe as a ‘high strung’ individual. I get angry easily, I get sad easily, and I also get easily excited and passionate. A couple of things have been happening in my life lately, that has shown me that I really need to learn how to be LESS high strung, and MORE chill and relaxed. I wish I could just flick my fingers and it would happen, because I know all the rational reasoning behind WHY I would need this, but as it goes with human nature, it’s been molded and folded into a certain shape, and it takes time, and a process to unbend from that.

When I went to the dentist for an operation the other day, I had to get an excessive amount of anesthesia. The dentist explained that it is primarily people with red hair OR people who are stressed who doesn’t respond well to the medicine. I don’t have red hair, and I know that I live in a state of constant urgency-emergency (as explained in a QCK session by my friend Kim.)

When I have my sudden fits, whether from excitement or from anger or frustration, people around me react and jump. Especially my daughter can get worried. And it is also very much for her that I want to change this point. I want to be more stable for her, less volatile and unpredictable.

I’ve always had trouble relaxing, whether it was when I’m about to sleep or when getting a massage or something else ‘relaxing’. So I struggle with unwinding, and when I was young, I used weed to medicate myself, and otherwise its been through suppression and other addictions, which only makes the problem worse, because I don’t truly relax, but merely bottle it up.

I also see that this is not all a bad thing, or that it means that I should now suppress my expression of liveliness. Because I am expressive as a person, and that’s ok. So it is the high strung aspect that I’d like to change.

As I see it right now, there’s no magical formula for me to learn to relax. As I see it, it is very much about ‘muscle memory’ and repetition, and about becoming aware of the state I am in, in the body. Yoga helps, breathing helps, anything physical helps, and writing helps.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for and to be ashamed of being high strung

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a bad person and as a bad mother ( a bad influence) because I am high strung, and easily get emotional and upset

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take being high strung personal, to define myself as BEING high strung, instead of realizing that it is a certain frequency setting of the mind that is aligned to the expressiveness of my beingness and set to “INTENSE” – for good and for bad.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed about becoming so easily emotional and high strung

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see how, it is specifically in periods where I’ve been neglecting my self-care and using the tools of self-forgiveness and breathing that I become emotionally unstable, and that I am actually capable of being stable and grounded

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want something/someone outside myself to change me and to change this problem for me, because I feel defeated and disempowered towards it inside myself, feeling like it’s too intense and too demanding for me to change, not considering how it is a different way of being that I have to practice, which requires a consistent commitment to change, and not something I can do with the flick of a finger

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not reach inside myself and use my natural, grounded intensity to work on changing from being high strung to being more stable and chilled, and that I’ve instead allowed myself to live in apathy and suppression inside myself, going with the dysfunctional ‘flow’ of my mind.

Self-Commitment

I see, realize and understand that when I am high strung, it has a destructive and negative effect on those around me and on myself, and that I cannot do what I came here to do, when I am in an unstable state.

I also realize that this high strung state isn’t who I really and truly am as a being, that the intensity is a reflection of my beingness expression yes, but that the way I am living it, is not healthy or supportive, and that it is something I can change, one step at a time.

And so, I commit myself to not fall back into automation, apathy and suppression, and to instead push myself to develop a supportive routine, where I get up early in the morning and do my writing and my body work as a start.

I commit myself to push myself to be more aware of my body during the day, to slow down, to breathe and to apply self-forgiveness, instead of going into suppression when it becomes too much.

I commit myself to not judge or shame myself for being high strung, but to show myself understanding and empathy in realizing that that this is merely a ‘setting’ that is out of alignment, and that it isn’t who I truly, and deeply am.

[Image for Unsplash by Patrick Fore]

Seeing Opportunities OR Limitations in The Body. 410

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One of my core issues this life is my relationship with my body. As a child I had severe food allergies which caused a lot of pain and limitations in what I could eat and what not. Here I’m exploring that from a perspective on having deliberately dissociated with my body, because I blamed it for limiting me.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pressure myself and my body, by constantly being and doing everything for everyone and everything else, placing myself and my body at the very last priority, often not having time to even care for myself in a basic sense.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist changing this pattern, because I’m quite satisfied with it, and see myself as a good person, who’s doing good and is sacrificing themselves for the higher good, and because I then don’t have to focus on, or confront myself with difficult points in my life.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to develop unhealthy habits and addictions to cope with the situation I’ve created for myself, where I feel like I must have a small, tiny corner of the world that is mine and mine alone, that is hidden and secret from everything and everyone, where no one can reach me or take from me, thinking with fuzzy logic that this is somehow giving me the recharge I need to carry on with everything, despite the fact that its actually yet another thing in my life that takes me away from truly caring about myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist slowing down, and resist changing how I approach my situation, because it in fact, suits my mind perfectly, to live as though I’m invincible and the body doesn’t matter, thinking that I can go on like this forever and ever, even though I know that it’s not possible.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to NOT take responsibility for developing healthy ways to cope with the situation I’ve created for myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist my body, because I fear it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear my body because I believe that it is bad and wrong.

I forgive myself myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that my body is bad and wrong, because I believe it is limiting me by causing me pain and other problems

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, as a child, dissociate with my body, because I was angry at it for the problems I believed it caused for me.

For me to actually live the life I want to live, and be the person I want to be, I have NO CHOICE but to give more priority to myself and my body.

I realize that a theme throughout my life, has centered around avoiding, ignoring and abusing my body, and I see that its not a sustainable way to live or exist.

I realize that it scares me to focus on my body, because I believe my body is bad and wrong, because of the limitations that it causes for me.

I realize that I’ve never really given my body a chance, and then I’ve just been building limitation after limitation on top of each other.

I am seeing that I’ve been missing the point all along, that I could have, as a child, changed my perspective and seen the opportunities in my situation, instead of only seeing limitations.

I realize that I’ve never really known what the body is capable of because I’ve never given it a chance.

I realize that I’ve been blaming the body for limiting me, when its in fact me who’s been limiting myself.

[Image by Anthony Tran for Unsplash]

Opening myself to Embrace Peace and Tranquility as a part of Me. 409

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My buddy in the Desteni I Process asked me two questions:

Why have you not decided to stop struggling?

And

Where do you have beliefs that peace and tranquility is not for you?

When I look at the words ‘peace’ and ‘tranquility’, there’s an immediate pushing away inside myself, like I recoil when I hear/see them coming towards me, almost like they are glowing hurt (Freudian slip! I meant to write “glowing HOT), and I would burn myself if I were to try to touch them/associate with them. When I try to relate to the words, I simply feel that “they are not for me,” that they are inaccessible to me. There is also a distinct self-diminishment and holding myself down within looking at these words in this way. Like these words are too good for me, and I am not allowed to associate myself with them.

My life and my mind has been rather the exact polar opposite of peaceful and tranquil. BUT I also see a self-made narrative where I describe and reinforce myself and my life as ‘chaotic’, ‘wild’, ‘insane’, ‘loud, ‘crazy’, ‘a struggle’, ‘a fight’. In my relationship with myself it is very much an inward struggle where I believe that I must always fight myself, because there is a belief that I am inherently ‘bad’ or ‘evil’, and that I must constantly fight myself to try to be a better person.

It’s a strange belief because I don’t see a direct correlation with my life or how I was raised and this belief. In a way, it’s like I’ve always had this ‘sensitivity’ and small things could go wrong, and I’d immediately blame it on myself. Where I can however relate it, is to my mother, because she definitely lived a life of being told/experienced that she was a bad child, and actually struggled to be free of that oppression. And I’ve noticed in the past how I’ve copied mind patterns from my parents that have no ‘root’ in me because they’re essentially not mine, but in a way it makes it more difficult to walk through, because I have no memories to go back and work with as directly. It’s more like a shadow/echo pattern. So I see two possible paths here: One, I do self-forgiveness for my mother, as her, within this pattern. Two, I look at how I can practically release the pattern through practical application.

Why have I not decided to stop struggling?

Because I believe that my life is and must be a struggle. I also fear (admitting) having an easy/privileged life, because I judge people in privileged positions and believe that there is an honor in struggling.
Because I don’t think/believe I am able to. Because I have accepted and resigned to the belief that my life must be a struggle, as though that is my faith (again a Freudian slip. I meant to write “fate”), because it is what I was born into. Because I believe I am an inherently troubled person that deserves to struggle as part of my lesson to become a good, decent person.

Where do I have beliefs that peace and tranquility is not for me?

I believe peace and tranquility is not for me because:

It is wrong to live in peace and tranquility when the rest of the world suffers. Then it is an illusion
I do not have the right temper/nature/life circumstance to be able to experience peace and tranquility. There is something wrong with me/my nature.
I am still too high strung, uptight and emotionally wired. I need to fight these aspects of myself to access peace and tranquility, and thus peace and tranquility are too far way for me to be able to live.

When I see my thoughts and beliefs this way, I can see that I have conditioned myself to live a very limiting and self-deprecating life. I also see that peace and tranquility IS accessible to me, but that the real version of these words is something much more grounded than the way I’ve related to these words as something pristine and sacrilegious that I can’t possibly access. Because even when I live these words, I’d still be me. It’s about allowing myself to access/create/open myself up to a potential expression of me that’s always been here, but that I haven’t allowed to exist as a part of me. It is about making these words part of me, not the other way around.

Where do I see the potential for peace tranquility in my life?

Breathing. When I breathe I commune with my body, and I create space within me. I level and balance myself, and when I breathe directively with awareness, I put my focus on being here with all of me, rather than channeling myself into the mind and suppressing the rest of me.
Moving my body directively, specifically, precisely with awareness, care and grace.
Being in/looking at nature.
Cleaning/tidying/organizing
Working with shapes/geometry creatively/artistically
After/during physical labor and/or yoga/exercise
When I consistently decide to do/be what’s best and open myself to life/myself/my being
When I work through reactions in a self-supportive way and embrace all parts of me
When I sit on the floor, ground myself, do grounding things.

So ultimately, I actually see great potential for me to live peace and tranquility. However, I’ve created so many limiting beliefs and emotions around these words that I’ve warded myself in/kept them out, not actually allowing myself to even explore the potential of these expressions within me.

I will continue more in the next post.

[Photo by Josh Hild on Unsplash]

What being Hard on Yourself has to do with Delusional Self-Glorification. 408

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Throughout my life, I’ve created a pattern that is very self-destructive. It comes up when I make mistakes or when I fail at something (at least in my own eyes). I can be extremely hard on myself, and it is a terrifying feeling that leads me to want to punish and deprive myself. As someone once said, it’s a sadistic little program in the back of my mind. It is what has caused me to do a lot of self-deprecating things, and why I haven’t allowed myself to move or expand or do things to express care for myself. The flipside of it is that I’ve attempted to better myself FROM a starting-point of self-loathing and self-hate, thinking that the only way I could better myself was through external validation, literally trying to change myself from the outside in. I’ve believed (subconsciously) that if I could get others to believe that I’m awesome, and if I can present enough of an awesome image outwards, it WILL change me on the inside. But under that has always been a starting-point of not believing in or valuing myself at all, and therefore not believing that I would ever change my experience of my self-worth.

It has become crystal clear to me over the past year that accepting myself and loving and embracing all of me is the key to my process. Yet self-judgment and self-punishment is a persistent thing within me. I call it “falling into the pit” when it gets really bad. This doesn’t happen very often any longer, but it is quite brutal when it does. And it takes a toll on my body. Even now as I write this, I can see and feel the self-judgment as a ‘base layer’ that taints how I see things, and this is despite having worked with it extensively for many years. So a big question that pops up in me is: how do I let it go.

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a pattern where I attempt to change myself from the outside in, through external validation of worth, through creating an inflated projection of myself that I present to the world as who I am, and feverishly try to make real, because I have in essence given up on myself inside, because I loathe myself so extensively, that I don’t believe or accept myself as worthy or valuable through simply being me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience that my sense of self-worth is completely entangled with receiving external validation, to the point where I can’t separate the two or detangle them from one another

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of stepping into seeing and standing by my own worth and value, because I do not value it as much as I value the experience I get when I feel validated by others, because I don’t see myself as equally important

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see myself through a constant lens of self-judgment and I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted or allowed myself to be patient with myself and to actually give myself credit for the process I have walked and the steps I have already taken towards change.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience such extreme and intense guilt, shame, self-judgment and self-hate that I feel like I can barely stand being in my skin, like I can’t handle the sheer intensity of the experience, and so to cope with even just being inside myself, I do anything I can to ignore and get away from the experience, by distracting myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as soon as I see that I have made a mistake, or done something that wasn’t acceptable in a certain context that triggers this experience, such as in my parenting, to immediately see myself as a bad and horrible person that doesn’t deserve to live or be a mother, where my entire experience of myself becomes engulfed in this view, like a dark cloud that I wrap myself in

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel that I hate myself when I do things that I see as unacceptable because it is so far from my expectations to myself and my image of myself when I am in a ‘high’ point within me and things are going seemingly great

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that the high I experience when I feel ‘on top’ isn’t in fact a natural state, or who or how I’m supposed to be, as it is an energetically charged experience, where I for whatever reason have lots of energy and feel great about myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see or accept that the state I’m in when I’m in a high isn’t in fact real, because I desperately want it to be, because it feels so great, and it would be so awesome if it is was real, because when I’m in that state, I feel invincible, supersmart and overall glowing and fantastic, and I fear that if I let it go, I will be left with myself in a bland experience at best and at worst, I will exist as my shitty self for the rest of my life, a loser and an emotional wreck

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see or accept the connection between me highest high state and my lowest low state, and how neither is attached to actions I take, as the actions serve merely as triggers, and as such, by attaching the energetic state to an action, and to myself, I shift my focus in to a delusion where I believe that my energetic experience of myself is an actual reflection of my reality/myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not put in the actual, physical work involved in self-change, of stopping and changing my thoughts and behaviors, in the small moments, and so through changing the substance of myself, little by little, become the person, with all the fibers in my being, that I have the potential to become, steadily, consistently and irrevocably.

Self-Corrective Statements

I commit myself to focus on changing myself in the small moments throughout my day where I see that I go into thoughts, emotions or backchat, as I realize that these are the real key and core to my swinging back from one polarity to another, and it is here that I am able to change myself, rather than trying to change myself by clinging to the positive polarity only to plunge head first into the negative

I commit myself to focus on remaining level-headed, stable and grounded through the practice of slowing down, focusing on my breath, being in my body, feeling my feet and my toes, doing yoga, be in nature, do self-forgiveness out loud and in writing every day and being with the stillness of myself as often as possible – as well as living specifically, directively and deliberately with intention and focused aim

I commit myself to slow myself down as soon as I see that I am speeding up inside myself because I know that this is an indication that I’m moving into high, positive energy so that I may stop the cycle before it spins into overdrive and extremes

I commit myself to, immediately as I see that I am swinging into self-hate and self-judgment, pull myself through as self-love and self-acceptance, and to specifically go and sit or walk or move with myself with the purposed intent of bringing myself back to stability – deliberately reminding myself that this is the low after a high, it’s a chemically induced experience and I cannot latch it onto actions. Here I also deliberately question the acts that I experience are causing me to hate and judge myself, because through looking deliberately with common sense on my actions, I can see that they don’t warrant hate or judgment, but often merely needs correction.

(Photo by Pim Chu for Unsplash)

Meeting the Mind with an Open Heart. 407

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To say that I have had a rough week would be an understatement. And it’s all about relationships on my part. Today I found out that someone whom I’ve had a strenuous relationship with, but that I thought was going in the right direction, more or less threw me under the buss and tried to deliberately come between myself and another person. Shit like that happens all the time. But this one really got me by the balls. As I reflect on it, it is a common scenario in my life, where I dare to be open and vulnerable and trust someone a little more with my heart, only to find it being stomped on. This is a STORY I’m telling myself through. One filled with remorse, self-pity, regret and blame. It doesn’t have to be who I am anymore. And this is what I will apply SF on today.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel gutted, and like my heart has been stomped on after finding out that someone whom I thought I was developing a closer and deeper relationship with, threw me under the bus and deliberately tried to cause split between myself and another person

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to rely too heavily on the heart/beingness connection I feel with someone, where it is clearly obvious to me that we feel each other on a deeper level, because I then end up feeling shocked and betrayed when they revert into a nasty mind pattern to protect themselves, forgetting and not realizing how deeply immersed into the mind’s patterns most people are – even if there is at the same time a pure connection to their heart that can be felt and seen.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to expect that, because a person and I have a heart/beingness connection, where I feel who they are on a deeper level, we are solid, our relationship is good and we can trust each other, not realizing how – as pure and as intense that feeling is, it is at the moment only a thread of a feeling, surrounded by an array of mind pattern tentacles that weave in and out of the person and fills them up and takes them over, because that is who and what they identify as for the most part

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed and betrayed when someone I thought I was reconciling with and connecting with on a deeper level, suddenly turns on me and does something that completely undermines the trust I thought we had built between us – not realizing that my disappointment is largely based on me creating unrealistic and romantic expectations about what holds a relationship together, when in fact all we had was a small – pure – life connection that hasn’t yet taken root and might not ever be able to

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and sorrowful because I feel like I have lost someone and the depth of my relationship with them, when really, all I’ve lost is my illusion of unrealistic expectations where I thought the relationship was something more than what it is

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that simply because a person does something unacceptable and nasty towards me – doesn’t mean that the real connection between us is gone, or that it wasn’t real to begin with

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not take into consideration the reasoning within which I imagine the person deciding to be nasty – most likely being in a state of fear and remind myself how I too have reacted in a similar way to protect myself and my beliefs about the world – and to instead use this opportunity to make a commitment to not accept or allow myself to do that again

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience that I don’t want anything more to do with this person, that I want to cut ties with them and that if I meet them, I don’t want to be nice to them or treat them as I have in the past, as I no longer feel I can trust them, or have a genuine, mutual connection with them – because they are apparently plotting against me behind my back, making me extremely uncomfortable to be in the same room as them, especially because it is not possible for me to speak with them about this incident

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing myself as vulnerable again, as this is a pattern I experience runs in my life, where when I let my guard down and allow myself to be fully open and vulnerable with someone, they do something – or so I experience it – to betray or hurt me or turn their back against me when I am at my most vulnerable

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel especially vulnerable, and way too open and to judge myself as stupid, when I have let my guard down in a relationship with someone and they do something I perceive as nasty or hurtful in a way that catches me off guard, because I think I should have known and I shouldn’t have let my guard down enough for them to get to me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see, judge and define my vulnerability and openness as a weakness – not realizing that the only weakness in these moments is my expectation of something that isn’t real, which is why I can be caught off guard in the first place, because I’ve created an idealized version of reality in my mind, where I don’t take all the variables of the human existence into consideration, and as such place myself at risk of being blindsided and betrayed

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not to realize that vulnerability and openness is me opening my heart and being to connect on a deeper level – and that it is not something I can expect to be respected or received with care or love, because of who we as human beings have accepted and allowed ourselves to become in and as the mind and in and as our systems of separation

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel bitter towards the person whom I perceive have betrayed me and thrown me under the bus, not realizing how, my reactions are in direct proportion with my expectations of my relationship with this person being deeper than it really was – and that the one who is responsible for my experience, is thus me, and me alone.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist meeting the person whom I perceive have betrayed me with the same warmth and vulnerability and connection as I have met them with before, because I know now that their intentions towards me perhaps aren’t as pure as I thought they were, in terms of actually wanting to creating a real, trusting and respectful relationship with me, not considering how this most likely was already the case before when I had greater expectations towards them and as such, the risks are exactly the same as before, only now I actually know that the trust and depth of the relationship is not as solid as I thought it was – which is ok.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that there is nothing weak or dangerous in exposing myself and standing vulnerable and open before another person, even if I perceive that they’ve betrayed me or have been nasty towards me, as long as I don’t accept or allow myself to have blind spots caused by unrealistic expectations and beliefs – and as such, that it is in fact a position of strength and a position of standing as what is best for all as Iife, and that it is not something I do FOR someone else, but for/as ME, because it is the change that I want to be in this world

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel resentment and distrust towards this person whom I perceive as though they have betrayed me, feeling like they’ve been fake and pretending to be my friend while actually scheming against me – when I first of all have no idea whether that is true, and I very well know how one can be several people at once, and secondly, the person is the same today as they were yesterday – the problem is with me creating unrealistic expectations and projections towards them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience that I cannot and do not want to be kind and natural towards this person, or to speak with them in the same ease as I have been doing, because I no longer trust them, when the fact of the matter is that I couldn’t trust them before either – as there has been no agreement or commitment to remain respectful with one another – and I know the person has not developed their awareness or self-honesty to the point of holding themselves accountable for their thoughts and backchat, and as such, I have proven to myself that it is indeed possible for me to be open hearted and vulnerable towards someone I don’t trust, and that the difference does not lie within whether they can be trusted, but in how I decide to express myself, and who I decide to be.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold someone’s actions of deceit and nastiness against them, when the fact of the matter is that it just as easily could have been me, and that it has been me, and that I very well understand the extremes to which we allow ourselves to go when we accept and allow ourselves to get caught in mind patterns of fear – where our single minded focus becomes to protect what we see as ours, no matter the consequence or cost, and as such I realize that I can’t hold it against them. And the only thing I can change here, is my own expectations towards the people around me, to simply know and remember and take into account, that people are still very much immersed in the mind, despite there being beautiful openings into their heart – and that I need to keep an open heart to walk with them, as best as I can, through it.

Self-Commitment

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to resist communicating with this person whom I perceive have betrayed me, or to allow myself to be open and vulnerable in front of them, I stop and I breathe. I realize and remind myself that being open-hearted is my decision, and is something I do for myself and for all of us and not something I do because a person has earned it through being trustworthy. I realize that my being open and another being trustworthy is not connected – as I can stand completely strong and safe in my openness, no matter how another expresses themselves or how they act towards me.

I commit myself to push myself to remain open-hearted towards this person. And I commit myself to not create expectations towards what a relationship is, based on there being a heart/beingness connection, because I realize that most of us here are still very much immersed in the mind, and will, if triggered go into destructive mind patterns. I also realize that I have a responsibility to help guide us through this – with my open-heartedness and my vulnerability and strength. I commit myself to dare to keep my heart open this time. And to stand within/as it, solidly planted on my own two feet.

When Your Child Prefers Someone Else. 406

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My daughter has been progressively been turning more and more towards her grandmother over the past couple of weeks, preferring her grandmother over me, calling out her name at night and pushing me away when I come to take her home. My experience and perception is that my mother in law revels in being favorized and this adds to my experience of dread and shame when I come to take my daughter home and she says no and clings to her grandmother.

It is a very strange – new – experience for me. Because at my core, I am glad that my daughter loves her grandmother. I am glad she has a grandmother that loves her and wants to do what is best for her. My mother in law is very protective of my daughter and as for her faults, they are (from my perspective) minor compared to the joy the two ladies feel for each other.

But at the same time I cannot help reacting, taking it personal and feeling so hurt and rejected. Interestingly enough, I see that the signature of the reaction comes from my memories from having girlfriends as a child, and us fighting over being friends with each other.

What happens within me is that I feel rejected, cast aside, and I start second guessing myself, wondering what I am doing wrong since I am not the favorite anymore. And ultimately at its very worst moments, I noticed how I respond by conceding which is a default mechanism of mine when things doesn’t go my way, and I back down and pull myself away from her, as if saying: “alright, if you don’t want to be with me, fine. Then I’ll pull away.”

But as I did self-forgiveness and reflected on this, I saw how this is the reaction of a narcissist and that one of the lessons I have to learn / stand as as a mother is to love my child fully, wholly, unconditionally, no matter what she says or does – that my love is an unwavering certainty, that I am here no matter what.

Coincidentally the pinnacle of this progression towards favoring her grandmother, happened at the same time as my family, including my mother and sister came to visit. My mother and sister have a strained relationship, and as I observed them I could see how a big part of the problem lies within my mother’s total narcissism, which for some reason is much more triggered when she’s with my sister than when she is with me. She makes everything about her, and she waits for my sister to show her love – something that is totally impossible because she is the adult in the dynamic, at least when one follows traditional family dynamic patterns. To a great degree I am proud to say that I’ve released myself from almost all such patterns, which makes it possible for me to have a relationship with my mother without much expectations towards her being “motherly” as such. Early on I realized that if I were to have a relationship with her, it would to some extent have to be on her terms, and I would have to accept her as the woman she is, not as the mother she’ll never be.

But as I watched how she behaved towards my sister, in a selfish and self-absorbed way, and remembered what that was like for me as a child, I started fearing that this is how I am towards my daughter, and that she’s choosing her grandmother over me, for this reason. But the ironic thing about it is that me taking her preferences personal, is exactly that point of narcissism in a nutshell. And being like that is the last thing I want to be. But it did get me reflecting on where I AM lacking in my parenting, and where my mother in law has strengths that I could learn from.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my child’s preferences about who she wants to be within in a moment, about me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take it personal that my child prefers to be with her grandmother over me, and that she will actively push me aside when I come to get her from her grandmother

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how I’ve contributed to creating a polarized situation where I desperately wants my daughter to prefer me, most likely causing her to be somewhat uncomfortable with me, as she picks up on me not being natural and unconditional with her, and with me wanting something from her, wanting her to be something and do something for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel rejected by my daughter, and take it personally, when she prefers her grandmother over me, when the fact of the matter is that there can be a thousand different reasons why she has this preference, that has nothing to do with me or our relationships

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make my relationship with my child dependent on her prefering to be with me, and her expressing herself positively towards me, and as soon as she doesn’t I retreat, concede and start backing out of the relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a habit and pattern of conceding almost immediately whenever things don’t go my way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define relationships as exclusive within me, where I have created a belief that someone can only have one meaningful and loving relationship, and as such that a relationship is a scarce resources that must be fought over

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to start second guessing myself when my daughter prefers her grandmother, as though my value and quality as a mother is exclusively determined by my daughter liking me and wanting to be with me – a problem because there is likely to be times where she’ll react to me, which doesn’t make me any less of a good or decent mother

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make my relationship with my child about me, about her being or doing something for me, that makes me feel a certain way, because that is how I’ve always related to other people – having no stable or solid relationship with myself and not having developed any self-value and therefore tying my value to other people liking me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge my mother for being narcissistic and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel paranoid and afraid that I am towards my daughter like my mother has been towards me and my sister, when I know for a fact that it is not true – and yet in some aspects it is, like in my needing her to love me, but in contrary to my mother, I have the tools of self-forgiveness and self-correction, so I have a direct opportunity and responsibility to change

Self-correction

When and as I see that I react to my daughter preferring to be with her grandmother or someone else, I stop and I breathe and let go of my reaction.

I commit myself to open myself up and push myself to be curious and open towards my daughters preference of someone else, and I remind myself that it has nothing to do with my relationship with her – and I stand back inside myself in the certainty of my love for her.

Fear that My Child Will be an Outcast and an Outsider. 405

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I have a fear that I will make it difficult for my daughter to make friends, and that this will make her lonely and an outcast. The the feeling is very intense. I was speaking to my partner about it, and what came up is that this fear of not having friends – and all the things we do to avoid that fear – is due to a built-in survival instinct that tells us that “alone I am nothing.” In ancient societies you could effectively use outcasting as the ultimate punishment as a person would not survive in the wilderness by themselves. It is also why the silent treatment is so effective. No one wants to be kicked out or isolated from the group.

It came up strongly when we were at the local pool. There were other kids in the kiddie pool and my girl was clearly interested in them. In not going to daycare she already stands out from her peers, as she doesn’t spend very much time with other children, and it is something I as a mother am acutely aware of (and stressed out about), particularly in not wanting her at an disadvantage, and therefore feeling that I constantly have to compensate because it is assumed in the culture I come from that it’s best for you to go to daycare and be ‘socialized’ around other children.

At the pool there were some older children playing and as they were going down the slide next to her, my girl tapped herself on her chest and said her name, meant for them to hear it. They didn’t hear her or probably care about her as they were much older than her, and she did not seem to care that they didn’t respond, but in me it sparked an intense reaction of emotional pain.

Reflecting on it, what I saw is a fear of her innocently welcoming herself into the world, completely open and vulnerable, only to be ignored, rejected, teased or ridiculed by other children. I looked at how it would break my heart to see her that way, and at the same time, it was such a beautiful gesture of her, not even two years old, announcing herself to the world, and making it known that she’s here, that she matters.

The other point that has come up in relation to this point, is a memory of my own mother, whom I experienced as socially difficult and awkward as a child, at least in certain situations. At my school functions I experienced her as severely self-conscious and having emotional reactions of feeling rejected, isolated and excluded, due to her age and due to her being single whereas a lot of the other children had both a mom and a dad with them.

I took it very, very hard. Too hard probably, and as I’m beginning to understand myself more, I can see how a part of my being is a point of seriousness and depth, which has not always served me to my favor. Another is the fact that I as a person am all about relationships, and was so as well as a child, and I really needed an adult who could help me navigate friendships and relationships – and my mom basically had the opposite effect, of creating even more issues in me, due to her own issues. So in that sense, we were a bad combo. Although I’m actually certain that it might not have even been as big a deal to her as it was to me. But that’s because of my signature.

It was difficult for me that people didn’t like my mother, and subconsciously I internalized that and developed a great fear from it. I developed a belief that “If people don’t like you, they won’t help you, they’ll be against you, and you’ll be all alone having no one to call on, having to fend for yourself.” So somehow, along the way, I made it my mission to become likable. I studied what made other people likable and tried to copy and emulate that. So I would be helpful without being genuinely helpful for example. I learned how to be funny by studying sound, pitch, and timing of language.

And at the age of 19, I got my first real friend. Until then, it was an extremely stressful experience for me, desperately trying to gain friends, and feeling like the biggest loser in the world because it was difficult for me. I played with other children, but I cannot say that it was the most natural, or enjoyable relationships.

So – I have a fear that it will be the same for my girl, and that I will make the same mistakes that my mother made with me. And I see how I can create issues for her that might not even exist to begin with. Because I AM all about relationships. And I do enjoy getting to know people. And I don’t often create problematic relationships with people or go into isolation. And the other thing is that I have learned that the most important relationship a person can have, is with oneself. And second thereafter comes parents, not friends. Friends are cool for sure, but they’re not a matter of life and death.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow a reaction within me of feeling like my heart is breaking when I see my girl innocently, openly and vulnerably open herself up to other children or people, in my anticipating and expecting that they will ignore her, push her down, laugh at her and ridicule her as that is the association I have towards expressing myself this way, from when I was a child – and because I have tied this association and fear to this expression, I expect that it will happen to my child as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear, but also expect that my child will be pushed down and ridiculed for expressing and sharing herself innocently, openly and vulnerably by other children and by adults, because that is what I experienced as a child, and when I imagine it happening to my child, it’s like it’s happening all over again to me, because this experience still sits within me as a trauma and a fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that what I fear is that my girl will be hurt and wounded and that she will pull back into herself, but in actuality I am afraid of again standing in the experience I had as a child where I expressed and shared myself vulnerably and openly and experienced that I was ridiculed and talked to in a harsh way by other children and adults.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to so extensively start fearing being open and vulnerable as a child, that I deliberately hardened myself, and sought to become smart and cool and calculated and strategic in my communication with others, so that I would never again be caught of guard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself in full and exposed openness as who I am, because I believe and expect that I will be taken advantage of, laughed at, ridiculed or abused in some way, to the extent where there is a part of me that wants to keep my child away from other people, to protect her innocence so that she doesn’t have to lose it, or lose herself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately hide and suppress my pure expression, and to always be on guard and have an edge around me, always being ready for an attack, and never actually allowing myself to fully relax and be myself around other people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the innocent and unconditional openness in my child’s expression when she announces herself to the people, where I react with experiencing it like I’ve been gut punched and my stomach is constricting – because I fear that within myself and do not allow myself to express in this way, not realizing that my child is not me, she may not have the same issues I did, and as opposed to when I was growing up, she actually has me as a parent and her father, as people who are walking their own process towards standing up as who we are in the fullness of our expression, and who will therefore support her to do the same, as well as will be able to support her if she does experience emotional reactions towards someone ridiculing her – and as such support her to keep standing as who she is, no matter what.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to try to protect my child by deliberately stepping in when I for example see that she’s expressing herself towards adults and they are, from my perspective, ignoring her – not realizing how I am within doing so projecting my own fear of not being heard, seen and taken serious onto her, and am effectively making my issues her issues, when she might not need my protection and I can’t even protect her from facing reality and the devolved state of humanity, which is something we all have to walk through and take responsibility for as self in each our own way, in order to walk our process from consciousness to awareness, including my child.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will make it difficult for my child to have friends, because I feel socially awkward and struggle with friendships, but also because that is exactly what I experienced happened with my mother, and so I fear the past repeating itself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place extensive value in children having friends, due to this being hyped as extremely important in the culture I live in, and because I have accepted and allowed myself to integrate it as a truth within me, founded upon a deep-seated fear of being outcast and alone, and as such unable to survive

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that everything is in reverse and that the creators of consciousness most certainly would’ve wanted human beings to be split into and between themselves, to actually fear the one place that is the path towards real oneness and equality which is: inside ourselves, alone.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the power within standing alone, is in fact that through standing alone, one has the opportunity to walk one’s process from consciousness to awareness, because developing a connection to one’s body and beingness is crucial, and because the opposite of aloneness, as society and culture currently only exists to promote separation and illusion, whereas aloneness (except for in thinking) is still to an extent “pure”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself and my decision not to place my child into the care of other people, because I experience a distinct push and drive from society and people around me to do exactly that, and because people find me strange and intimidating for not doing it (Like I’m “off” and they don’t like it, and I don’t like THAT lol), because I have developed my value in relation to being liked and accepted by others, and as such am afraid of the exact ostracization I was talking about earlier – when I know for a fact that my child is doing very well, is thriving, has an awesome life, and has a rather minimal need to spend time with other children

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not yet stand fully secure and trusting of myself in my decision to not put my child into care of other people, because there is a part of me that knows that what I am doing is unpopular, and it causes certain people to react to me, and even frown upon my decision, and I have a fear towards that, because I have a fear of being ostracized, because I have not yet stood in the power of being alone inside myself –  not fully realizing or embracing that I’ve got all of existence inside me, as me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame my mom for causing me to struggle making friends as a child, and I forgive my mother for not taking responsibility for walking her own process from consciousness to awareness, and step up as a support for me to learn how to navigate the world effectively, and for example share with me the power and value of being alone.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project my mom’s experience of awkwardness onto myself and to internalize an experience of feeling like an outsider that I interpreted that my mother was experiencing and creating a distinct feeling of being an outsider that I now fear I will transfer to my child – not realizing how, being an outsider has been my saving grace in many respects, and is in fact one of my strengths and one of the things I appreciate the most about my life, and as such nothing I have to fight or fight for, but simply something I rest in and as, as I integrate and immerse myself fully with the groups of people I surround myself with, without it changing who I am at my core – and as such, my child too will be an outsider because she is my child, but I have the opportunity to also show her how to be an insider, as everyone we meet is part of us as we are part of them, and as such there is no distance, separation and nothing to fear – because all we can ever meet, is ourselves.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place extreme value and importance on being liked and accepted by other people, specifically because I believe that I am an outsider, someone that has negative value because of that, and therefore that I MUST struggle in order for other people to accept me – and if they don’t, it will be because there is something wrong with me, and not for instance because they recognize parts of themselves in me, that they don’t want to meet, and as such, whether people align to me and want to create relationships with me or not, is really more about them than it is about me. I can be a total asshole and people might still want to create a relationship with me because that resonated with something in them.

Self-Commitment Statements

When and as I see that a fear of being alone and an outsider in social situations comes up within me, I stop, I breathe and I remind myself of who I am and where I am.

I commit myself to embrace the fact that I am an outsider and be proud of the life I’ve lived and walked, and to use it to actually get “inside” in terms of actually connecting with people on real, deep levels that will bring us together instead of perpetuate separation in this world.

When and as I see that I fear or doubt myself in relation to providing my daughter with proper social relationships, I look at her and make a self-honest assessment in self-trust about her well-being and living conditions and whether they are up to standards that I can accept and condone.

I commit myself to stand within self-trust that I am doing what I see is best for my child and that I am able to assess and take responsibility to do so, if she is not thriving in the environment I have selected for her – and to take action accordingly.

I commit myself to stop living for people to like me and accept me, and to instead live and walk from a starting-point of standing and walking in my aloneness, as all-one-ness. I commit myself to push myself to express myself fully, as who I am without fear.

[Photo by Steve Courmanopoulos for Unsplash]